Addictive Obsession ~ Chapter Six | part one
How many of us have asked ourselves how heaven is? Maybe it’s some kind of place where you don’t need to worry about anything. Maybe it’s where you can say without any problems that you are happy, that you have all that you need and that you don’t want anything more. Heaven is that one place where you feel safe, where no one can touch or hurt you.
There are different kinds of heaven and some of us discover the most destructive ones. The one where you think that all is fine and that you’re happy, only to find out how much you were wrong. The one where you hide yourself in a world of your own, where no one can see you but where the eyes of everyone are watching your every move. That supposed-to-be-heaven where you slowly lose your mind because of all the happiness and cheerfulness and fakeness.
In the end, all of us find that there’s no such thing as heaven.
Only hell.
Jin was the first one to wake up that morning, only a few hours after they went to bed. It was still early for him but his body kept tossing around in bed and Jin eventually gave up at falling asleep again and opened his eyes, taking in his surroundings. It had been a long time since he was here. He can’t really remember any time when he came here with another person, but the moments alone in this hut were engraved in his mind. This was his place of quietness, the place where no one could find him or even bother to do it. He would often spend his nights dreaming on the shore and come back here to sleep or just to take a bath and go back to work.
This was the only place where he could be who he really was, letting himself to remember all the good and bad times, getting drunk, hitting walls and destroying things when he felt the need to. There was no one here to get scared of him.
He sighed and looked at the body next to him. Kazuya was still cuddling at his chest, deep in sleep. He giggled and let his eyes examine the thin body that was sleeping in his arms. He knew perfectly well why was Kazuya so arrogant and always liked to be in control. Jin suspected that people let him do what he wants because of that beautiful face of his. He hadn’t seen that many expressions of his yet, only the scared and confident ones, but Jin could still easily imagine his pouting lips, his bright smile or his red cheeks. Kazuya had the most beautiful eyes that he had ever seen and Jin had felt that he could be entrapped by them the first time he saw Kazuya. He had been mesmerized by his charm and Kazuya’s cockiness had made him want to know more about the other. Even if he didn’t know it at that time, that was the moment when Jin decided to never let Kazuya go.
But he was in pain and Jin knew that. A lot of people take refuge in drugs when life’s too hard and Jin had the feeling that it was the same for Kazuya too. He still didn’t know a lot about the younger, even if he basically knew his life at the moment. Jin only knew the basics of his past but there had to be something there that made Kazuya act like this. Jin was still hoping that one day the younger would come and tell him, so he had stopped his investigation, concentrating only on his present life. He had to protect him. Jin didn’t want to see the boy getting hurt because of him.
He closed his eyes and leaned over Kazuya, placing a cast kiss on his forehead. He had never met someone like Kazuya. He was pure in a weird way. His body was tainted but his feelings were still naïve and distrustful. Maybe that’s why Jin was so spellbound by him. Maybe that’s why he wanted to break him.
Kazuya’s eyes fluttered a few times before fully opening, a dreamy gleam in the brown color. He looked at Jin and gave a genuinely smile while a small purr could be heard. He felt like a cat, stretching his arms and legs, stiff with sleep.
“Morning…” he muttered, stifling a yawn.
“Morning.” Jin smiled back, kissing Kazuya on the lips and lingering a little on them, moving slowly and nibbling gently. He didn’t know why, but he felt different this morning. After all, it was the first time he woke up next to someone with whom he didn’t have sex last night. “How do you feel?” he asked, not lifting his head and remaining above Kazuya’s lips, kissing them sweetly a few more times.
“Good.” Kazuya replied, returning the light kisses. “And with a slight headache.” He chuckled when a throbbing pain began to pulse somewhere around his temple. “You?”
“Wonderful.” Jin replied with a big grin. Feeling a little bit mushy and overemotional, he added: “Because you’re the first person I saw this morning!”
Kazuya laughed and turned his back at Jin, hiding his embarrassment. “Don’t say such silly things!” he said, glancing over his shoulder at the man.
“Whyyy?” Jin whined, jumping on Kazuya and straddling him. “It’s the truth.” he murmured into Kazuya’s hair, sighing deeply when he noticed the sweet smell of strawberry.
“It’s silly.” Kazuya replied, shivering a little. The way Jin nuzzled his nose into his hair, the way his breath tickled his ear was pure pleasure. “Why do you sigh?” he then asked, sliding his hand through Jin’s dark mane.
“I love your smell.” Jin simply answered. “It makes me dizzy.” he chuckled lightly. “And warm. And horny.” He added, biting on his ear. “It’s special.” he continued in a dreamy voice.
Kazuya chuckled softly, his cheeks deep red. “What doesn’t make you horny, Jin?” he teased, pulling slightly on his hair. He ignored the word ‘special’ - he had been that way to someone else too. It had a total different meaning back then. He won’t trust it again.
“Mou~” Jin whined again, burying his head in Kazuya’s hair and chuckling to himself. “It’s your fault, you’re the one who makes me horny all the time.” he pouted and hid his face on the younger’s shoulder.
“Yeah, right, like I flutter myself in front of you and wear a sign saying ‘take me, Jin!’” Kazuya snorted and tried to move a little as his eyes fell on the clock upon the bedside table. “Oh, fuck!!” he shouted, rising up and throwing Jin off him who looked confused at Kazuya. “Jin, I’m going to be laaaaate!!” he yelled and got off the bed quickly, exiting the room just to be back in mere seconds. “Where’s the shower?!” he asked looking desperately.
“Second door on the right.” Jin answered, amused by the younger’s antics, and watched him rush out the door once again. He waited for about ten minutes until Kazuya came back, freshly showered and with his hair wet. Jin was already dressed and the boy took advantage of that, ushering Jin to move faster and dragging him out the door. In half of hour, they were already back in the city and it took another ten minutes for Jin to drive to Kazuya’s college.
“Bye!” Kazuya quickly mounted off the bike and started to run towards the gates.
“Have fun!” Jin laughed behind him. Again, he watched the younger’s slim figure until it disappeared beyond the big doors and only then, he turned the engine on and took off.
*
Fear.
He hated its smell that got even into his bones, never to leave his body again. He curled into a ball, hoping to stop what would have to come. His sobs weren’t to be heard to deaf ears and he wasn’t going to cry for help. Though he wanted to, but he wasn’t allowed. Because he would get hit.
Rage.
He felt that too. But what was overwhelming was the rage that banged upon his bedroom’s door. There wasn’t a way out, there was no one to help him. And even if he was to call for help, there would be no one to come. He shivered under the blankets as he watched the doorknob turning furiously in its way of opening the door.
Run.
Where to? He could hear his heart thrumming into his ears, a sound he didn’t find at all comforting. The floor was cold and his feet were trembling. Even if there was no way out, he had to hide. He slipped under the bed, his body shaking madly and his teeth clattering in his mouth. If he was caught, that terrifying pain would pierce through him again. He was going to be hurt again.
Bang!
The light flooded the room, making him retreat in the darkness he had hidden in. He heard the footsteps approaching his bed and he kept his breath, though he was sure that his heartbeats could be heard clearly in the silence that had fallen over the room. In the still atmosphere, there was a hiss, one that sent chills down his spine. He bit his fist in order to not sob out of fear, his eyes filling with tears. He was going to be found. He just knew it and there was nothing to do to stop it.
Come out.
That hoarse and deep voice froze him. He wasn’t going to move from that spot no matter what. But there was nothing he could do, reality was much crueler. In a fraction of second, the long sheets of the bed were thrown and the face that he’d come to despise revealed itself. He yelped in fear and tried to run but the grip on his leg stopped him.
No, please. No… no!!
He was pulled back, hurting his hands as he tried to cling onto something and failed to do so. His night clothes were soon ripped apart, leaving him naked in front of the monster that was going to invade his body once more. The sweaty and cold hands began to rummage on his body, squeezing and pinching harshly, ignoring the crying and shuddering of the tiny figure that was writhing under them. The teeth dug into his skin, leaving marks all over.
Click. Click. Click.
This sound meant the worse. He tried once more to escape, only to be ruthlessly pulled back, the slap over his face resonating in the silence. The monster had unbuttoned his pants and let them fall, while the little child hid his eyes and bit hard on his lip. Those cold and harsh hands clasped around his thighs, forcing the legs to be lifted and spread apart. He tried to cover himself, tried to defend himself, but it was futile. There was nothing to stop what was going to come.
The sudden cry filled the room only to be followed by more. The deep groan of pleasure accompanied it, the big body hovering over the small one. His face came into his view as he was forced to look up at the sweaty face. For a moment it changed.
Jin.
His eyes were round in shock and pain as the thrusts were more violent and urging. He closed them, the tears now streaming freely down his cheeks as he was thinking of the person that made him suffer like this. The only person who turned his life into a nightmare. The smiling and horrid face of his…
Mother.
Kazuya woke up drenched in sweat, his mouth dry and his throat hoarse. He had been screaming, he was sure of that. Now he was panting hard, trying to chase away the fear and terror he felt deep down in his body. He could even feel the pain from that time. That was his memory, his nightmare during childhood which never ceased to haunt him even now. Kazuya realized he was shaking and tried to hold onto his body, to make it stop. It was futile. A scar that ran so deep into his heart and body could never stop. Only if…
He left the bed full with hope and rummaged through his drawers only to meet disappointment. He crumbled down onto the floor and curled into a ball. There was nothing to distract him from the memories, there was nothing to make him forget. He knew that he won’t be sleeping at all the entire night. Because each time he was going to do so, his mother’s clients would come back to haunt him. To rape him.
He stayed curled like that the entire night, the silent crying of the naked child, crouched on a dark and cold floor being an image printed in his fear-glossed eyes.
*
Three days have passed and the nightmares didn’t cease, even more they increased in intensity. And now and then, his mother’s face would be replaced by Jin’s. He was afraid and he didn’t want anything but to forget. He’d have to get them, the drugs. He’d be going again to the clubs, hit on random guys and get his money for the powder.
No.
No, he had to go to Jin. He wasn’t supposed to do that anymore. Yes, he should go to Jin’s and get his medicine. His cure to forget.
He left college as quickly as classes were over, ignoring his friends’ worried calls after him. He knew he was looking like shit, but he couldn’t care less. Once he’d get to Jin’s apartment, he was going to recover, he was going to forget and then he was going to lie that he just had a bad day. Well, several bad days. Kazuya didn’t know how he got to Jin’s apartment, only his need urging him forward. He hadn’t eaten at all in those three days since the nightmares came back; no, to be more precise he had eaten only to vomit all of it. His body requested something else. And that something was with Jin.
He banged on the door desperately, wondering what he’ll do if the man was out. He didn’t have his cell number, he didn’t know how to contact him at all! If he wasn’t home, Jin would have no right to blame Kazuya for going off with someone else!
“For cryin’ out loud! I’m coming.” Jin’s yell could be heard beyond the door. He hurried to answer, cursing out loud and making plans to murder the one who had disturbed his sleep. He didn’t expect to see a distressed Kazuya at his door, looking as if he was on the verge of dying. He quickly dismissed that thought when he saw Kazuya’s red eyes and knew what his behavior means. “Come in.” he simply said, signaling to the boy to follow him in the house.
He needn’t to say it twice. Kazuya barged in, ruffling his already messy hair and looking pleadingly at Jin. “I need it, please.” He muttered, his voice hoarse. “You said you would give it to me!” he added, like Jin had refused to give it to him already. He brought his fingers to his mouth and began chewing on his nails.
Jin raised an eyebrow at Kazuya and wanted to say something, but stopped himself in time. He sighed and opened one of the doors that he usually keeps locked, entering the room and coming back with a small bag which he tossed in the younger’s hands.
“You can’t go out like this. Go into my room. You’ll spend the night here.” he ordered, staring into Kazuya’s eyes and scoffing annoyed at the amalgam that he could see.
Like a starving man, Kazuya sniffed the bag and made an attempt to rip it open when Jin shoved him into his bedroom. He obeyed without restraint, the only thing that mattered being that little bag from his hands. He sat on the floor and with shaking hands he tore the bag slowly and carefully not to spill anything. It would be a waste. He turned some of the white powder in his hand and took some on the tip of his tongue. He closed his eyes appreciatively and he quickly snorted all the powder, leaving almost nothing in his palm. The effect wasn’t as quick as Kazuya wanted so he poured some more in his palm, ready to take another snort.
That was when Jin interfered and stole the bag from his lap, slapping his hand to spread the drug on the floor. He grabbed both of Kazuya’s hands, holding him tight and now sitting on the floor too, his knees between Kazuya’s legs. “I didn’t give you that much so you could use it all once!” he hissed, his eyes sending a dangerous vibe.
Kazuya threw his head back, his lips curved into a grimace. He looked angry at Jin and tried to struggle out of his grip, desperate for the drug that was now on the floor. He would snort it even from there, only to make the pain disappear. Only to make him forget.
“You’re supposed to give all I want!” he spat, eyeing the fine powder.
“I’m also supposed to take care of you!” Jin yelled, annoyed that he had to deal with something like this. He knew that Kazuya is an addict but he didn’t expect it to be so serious. He didn’t think he’ll see the younger like this, crazy for drugs and capable of everything to have them. How did he procure his drugs before he met Jin? How had he managed to not get killed by an overdose?
Jin smiled bitterly. What did he really expect? He had found Kazuya almost dead and with no one to take care of him. He should have realized. How stupid of him.
“Kazuya, calm down or I’ll tie you up and you’ll never see those drugs again!” he threatened, his grip on the younger intensifying.
The last words of the older man dissipated into thin air as Kazuya’s eyes became blank, empty hallows replacing the burning desire that had been in it. His head slumped onto Jin’s chest and his body shook in a fit of giggles.
“Fuck… let me enjoy it.” He said with a clear voice now.
Kazuya felt like floating, had a dreamy sensation and everything seemed so much easier now. There it was - that exalting feeling, that drowning pool of happiness in which he’d plunge without thinking twice. His hands pushed against Jin’s body, wanting release, wanting to let his body feel everything.
“Let me go.” He said once more, a creepy smile spreading on his beautiful and pale face. “I hate being trapped.” He looked at Jin, two deep black orbs in which was nothing but emptiness. “I hate those who trap me.”
He let his body fall back, his hands still being held by Jin. His head was lolling from side to side, laughter exploding from his throat. He totally loved this sensation! Being so free, having the power to change everything at his will, never to care about anything or anyone! There was nothing to make him squirm in fear, there was nothing to entrap him in the claws of terror. He was his own master, he could do anything he liked! And there was no one to stop him, because no one would dare.
“I know.” was Jin’s saddened response as he let go of Kazuya’s wrists. He looked at him and sighed once more. The drug was finally starting to take control of Kazuya’s body and the only thing that Jin could do was to watch him. It was fine this way, this was what he had wanted in the first place. He didn’t regret giving the drug to Kazuya but… he hated his words. He hated his sincerity that was only provoked by the drug. He hated Kazuya because the younger hated him.
The strings were cut and Kazuya floated until he hit the floor which was soft and welcoming. He stayed there looking at a starry ceiling who slowly changed into a smiling sun and then into sparkling water. He could hear the waves, he could feel the quietness and peace of the place he was viewing. He titled his head and chuckled softly as his body arched a little, his hands out-stretched towards the ceiling.
“I want to go there.” He murmured to himself with a huge grin plastered onto his face.
The peace he had been searching, the calm he yearned for was being offered to him, soothing and rinsing the painful memories. There was no dark room, there was no scream, there was no monster to molest him anymore. He felt relief sweep over him and he sat suddenly, looking around excitedly. He spotted Jin and tackled him, laughing like a child.
“There you are!” he said with a cheery voice. “The sunrise is awesome, nee?” he asked, showing Jin the dark ceiling. He began to rocket back and forwards, his hands still clung onto the older’s neck. “I really love it!” he laughed as in his ears a seagull’s scream was heard.
“Yes, it’s wonderful.” Jin chuckled, enjoying Kazuya’s change. He let his arms surround Kazuya’s waist, looking at the blank spot that the boy had showed him. Jin briefly wondered what is Kazuya seeing. The word ‘sunrise’ made a smile appear on the older’s lips, remembering that their last date ended with a sunrise viewing. Maybe it was this? Maybe Kazuya was remembering the moments spent with Jin, even in his world of fantasy?
But Kazuya heard the words yet didn’t process them. It wasn’t like they were important to him, it had no meaning to him or what he was feeling in that moment. That moment of pure bliss. He only wanted to hold that person in his arms, to cuddle in the warmth he had felt before and enjoy the sunrise that was taking place in front of his eyes. He didn’t feel the arms around him, he didn’t feel anything that might be Jin. It was just feelings. As another exalting sensation engulfed his body, Kazuya threw his head back and laughed with joy. His heart was beating hard, he could hear its beats, he might even count them! His sunrise exploded in a world of lights, the glittering shinning into his own eyes, the dying sparks reborn into fireworks.
“Forgetfulness.” He said with a happy expression. He welcomed it, wishing for it to forever remain.
This was the best.
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Part Two
Part Three
Part Four