Addictive Obsession ~ Chapter Fourteen | part two
PART ONE
“Huh?” was Jin’s only answer. “Why?” he asked with a surprised voice, not understanding why was Kazuya saying such things.
“It’s my father’s house.” Kazuya simply replied, like it should have been obvious. “Besides, even if he didn’t say it clearly, he asked me to prepare a room for you…” he trailed off, thinking that even if Kento had been all friendly with Jin, he still had his reserves when it came to him.
“Eeeeeeh?” Jin pouted, stopping in his track and refusing to take even one more step. “But I waited that much and now I can’t stay with you?” he pursed his lips, looking like a winning child. “It’s not fair!” he protested, staring at Kazuya with his puppy eyes, hoping that he’ll make the younger change his mind or at least convince him to make Jin a nocturne visit.
Kazuya looked at him and stopped a smile from forming on his lips. “Fair or not, we can’t sleep together.” He said and made the same puppy face as Jin, wanting to be understood. “But we have rooms close to each other so we’re not that separated, right?” he stuck out his tongue.
Jin continued to pout for a few seconds, but his expression changed suddenly into a wide grin when a thought crossed his mind. “Whatever, this doesn’t mean that I have to let you go now.” He said, taking Kazuya’s hand again and pulling on it to urge the younger to move forward. “We just don’t need to sleep, right?” he asked, a large smile plastered on his face as he turned around to look at Kazuya.
Kazuya sighed and went forward to where their rooms were. As he arrived in front of Jin’s room, he flashed a smile at the other one and opened the door revealing a dim lit room impregnated with the same strawberry smell Kazuya wore. There was a double bed with golden sheets and lots of pillows of all sizes, a small bookcase, a round table where a vase with flowers stood and a wardrobe. Kind of Spartan you’d say if not for the lamps on the bed’s side-stands from where the dim light came, making the golden sheets catch your attention wholly.
“I hope you like it…” Kazuya said smiling and fidgeting. “I tried to make it more comfortable, but beside the bed… there weren’t many. Some are brought from my room.” He gave Jin an apologetic look.
“It’s not like I’m used to living in luxury.” Jin stuck out his tongue at the younger as he threw another look to the room. It was nice and comfy, but what excited Jin more was the smell of strawberry, the same smell that had him mad just because Kazuya used something resembling this. He took a deep breath as he stopped in the middle of the room and then he turned around, stretching a hand towards Kazuya and calling him closer.
And there it was again - that lurch in his stomach, the one that gave his loins a sizzling feeling, making Kazuya feel all of a sudden conscious of everything he was and of everything that Jin was. He looked at the other one with big and round eyes, fearful and wishful, before taking his hand and getting closer to the danger that was the man in front of him. Looking at Jin, Kazuya had known that golden would suit him perfectly, the way the light reflected the sheets’ color gave Jin’s skin a glow like the ones he would usually get glimpses of when the older would lose himself all over Kazuya, control or whatsoever vanishing on the spot. Like when sweat drops would prickle down Jin’s skin and the light would draw shades and tints of golden on it. And reminiscing all of it now, seeing it real, Kazuya gulped down and looked at their clasped hands.
“Jin…” he muttered, not knowing what else he could say. It was so awkward all of a sudden.
Jin sensed the change into Kazuya but he didn’t say anything, just continued to pull onto the younger’s hand, dragging him to the bed and settling down on it, Kazuya in his arms. “Let’s just stay like this for a moment.” he explained, using a low voice as if he was afraid of scaring Kazuya.
Surprised at Jin’s antics, Kazuya simply nodded and settled better in Jin’s arms. It felt good being there, there was a feeling of protection, one he had been craving for way too long. He slid his free hand around Jin’s waist and nuzzled his nose into Jin’s neck, inhaling his scent. “If I fall asleep, take me to my room…” he whispered, feeling so sleepy, so good and so vulnerable.
Jin smiled into Kazuya’s hair and chose to not say anything more, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere spread over them. It was unusual for them to be in such a situation but Jin found himself to enjoy the feeling of calmness and happiness that was trapping him now. Usually, they would be fighting or yelling or just fucking, but moments like this were rare in their relationship so it was a good change, one that Jin was welcoming with open arms and a light heart.
“Kazuya?” He didn’t know how much time had passed until he finally opened his mouth to utter the boy’s name. “Can I ask you something?” Jin continued, sensing the younger moving in his arms, trying to say that he was awake and listening.
“Hmm…?” the other one made a sound, not really wanting to talk; it felt cozy and he wanted to stay like this forever.
“Can I ask you about your mother?” Jin replied with a slightly unsure voice, not knowing if it was a good idea to do this when he had finally seen Kazuya after a long time. But then again, just because he didn’t know if it was good or bad, it just meant that he didn’t know the younger enough.
Kazuya tensed, all the warmth and coziness now driven away by the chilly wind of the memories. “What do you want to know?” he replied after what seemed an eternity. He wasn’t sure why Jin wanted to know about his mom, but Kazuya believed that anyone who’d come to his house and found only his father would ask questions. After all, his friends had been the same but with them had been easy and he wasn’t so sure about Jin.
“For starters, where is she?” Jin asked, feeling now a little more confident seeing that Kazuya hadn’t rejected his question.
“I don’t know and care.” Kazuya replied, a sudden hatred in his voice.
Jin suppressed a scoff, remembering his own words from when Kazuya had asked about his parents. He wondered how much their stories resembled but somehow Jin doubted that they were alike too much, considering their personality and… maybe the fact that Kazuya had been screaming after his mother when he had drunk too much.
“What happened between the two of you?” Jin insisted while he tightened his grip on the younger, wanting to know more and not giving up that easily. He wanted the most to find out the reason behind Kazuya’s addiction to drugs and Jin had a feeling that this should be his starting point.
If Kazuya had been groggy a few minutes ago, now he was fully awake, the subject of his mother being one that could make him feel empty and alone at any time in his life. He shifted some more, wanting to detach himself from Jin, not wanting to taint the place he considered his shelter with the memory of his mother. But Jin was holding him still so he couldn’t do much to get away.
“Not much.” He answered thinking that it wasn’t the best to tell Jin what had his mother made him do. “I was in her care for 18 years of my life and she mostly… left me neglected.” He shrugged, thinking that it wasn’t such a big difference from the truth. She had left him neglected many times after countless men would abuse him. “I grew up with her alcohol addiction and her whore traits until dad came after me. Since then I haven’t heard a thing from her or bothered to search for her.”
“I see…” Jin mumbled under his breath, starting to understanding a little more about Kazuya. Well, it wasn’t that hard seeing as he had grown up with a whore mother too so Jin kind of knew what life the younger had before his father rescued him from the crawls of his mother. “And why didn’t your father came earlier?” he then asked, wondering what the hell had the man been doing when his son was suffering alone.
Kazuya gave a hollow laugh. “Do you think I know? Go and ask him.” He laughed again though there was no humor in his voice. “I don’t care about his reasons as long he had taken me from there. He had given me a motive to live.” He added thinking of his situation when his father had came to pick him up, telling him that everything will end that day and that it will be okay. It had been too much of a hope to be given to an eighteen years old boy who had tried to end his life before. Just to get away from his mother and her clients’ touches.
“Hmm…” Jin murmured, not knowing what to say that wouldn’t displease Kazuya and make him shut himself in front of Jin yet again. He could only kiss the younger on his forehead and hope that he can understand what was Jin trying to say without words. “I fought with my parents a lot too because of their habit of getting drunk and trying to beat me just because it seemed fun.” Instead, he chose to share a little bit of his experience, to let him know that he wasn’t the only one. Jin laughed, thinking at their pathetic faces. “I always fought back,” he explained, “and once I even got my father into hospital because he had fallen on the stairs.” He confessed, remembering that no one had believed them when his parents had tried to make the police arrest their son because of an attempt of murder. They had been the ones to go to jail instead.
“I’m glad you fought back.” Kazuya said and squeezed Jin’s hand. “Parents should not do such things… yet still they do.” He added as a thought, the obvious question never being uttered - why?
“Well, it’s not like we can’t defend ourselves.” Jin shrugged a little, as much as he could when he was in Kazuya’s embrace. “Besides, they’re not the only ones in our life. Good or bad, we can always use the others to get what we want.” He added, thinking that this was the thing he knew best and what got him there, in the position he currently occupied.
“Maybe.” Kazuya replied lazily, too tired to contradict Jin on the fact that people should not be used but cherished. Even if he had been one of the puppeteers for many times in his life, studying psychology had taught Kazuya that people want to be used in order to feel loved. So guilt had been dimmed to a small remorse. “I want to sleep, Jin…” Kazuya yawned, feeling again ready to fall back into a sweet oblivion, a welcoming dream.
Jin chuckled and buried his head into Kazuya’s hair, bringing the younger even closer. “Then let’s sleep…” he answered with a lazy voice, thinking that at least he could enjoy Kazuya’s company over the night.
“Nnh…” Kazuya murmured, then he rose up, leaving Jin’s warm arms. “I have to sleep in my room, you forgot?” he looked with a sleepy but determined expression at Jin. And after a moment, he leaned forward and kissed him. “Sorry…” he whispered against his lips, Kazuya’s eyes now half closed, the younger wearing a cute and fluffy expression.
Jin groaned into the kiss, lifting his hand to cup Kazuya’s cheek and keep him close a little longer. “I haven’t forgotten, I just hoped you did.” He confessed, not feeling ready to let Kazuya go just yet. He hadn’t been with the younger for five days and now, that he finally had him into his arms, Jin felt so frustrated that he couldn’t touch him like he wanted to.
The younger chuckled and closed his eyes for a moment. “I would have if not for my father.” Kazuya said, such words being the closest to what Kazuya will say instead of I missed you too. “That’s why… let’s be good boys and behave like ones, okay?” he smiled and brushed his lips against Jin’s before detaching completely from him. “Sleep tight.” Kazuya wished to Jin with a smile and got off from the bed.
Jin pouted and crossed his arms, still wanting to protest but knowing that it will be useless, so he just kept shut and expressed his displeasure through his body. “Good night.” He mumbled under his breath, sighing as in defeat, only that exactly in that moment he rose from the bed and glued his body to the younger one’s, catching his lips and kissing him with passion and lust, sending Kazuya all of his frustrations and fantasies that he had been keeping under control.
He had been waiting for this, oh God, he had yearned for this with his whole body, Kazuya thought as he returned Jin’s kiss, raw desire meeting desire, all the suppressed passion burst all of a sudden with an intensity that burned both of them. There were sloppy, rushed and needy kisses, rough and trembling touches, harsh and rasp breaths as everything exploded in Kazuya’s body - everything that was Jin. “I so needed you…” Kazuya whispered, his heart beating like crazy, his lips craving for more as his body glued even more to Jin’s. “I need you…” he said again, holding his lover tightly, his nails dug into his shirt and clutched all around the material.
Jin growled, half-excited because he was finally having Kazuya, he was able to taste and kiss him like he wanted to do in that last days, half-annoyed because he knew in the back of his mind that they couldn’t continue this if Kazuya didn’t want to and Jin was pretty sure that he would refuse, seeing as he didn’t even want to sleep in the same bed with him because of his father. He decided to completely shut down his mind and just take advantage of what he could, grinding his body into Kazuya’s and kissing his lips like he hadn’t tasted them for an eternity, letting his hands roam over the younger’s body, sneaking under his shirt and touching Kazuya’s burning skin, only that sweet sensation making Jin feel like going crazy.
“Kazuya…” he whispered with a low and aroused tone, going lower on the boy’s neck, biting and sucking on the soft skin until a small red mark appeared which made Jin feel a little more satisfied with himself. He let one of his hands go up on Kazuya’s body while the other one went down, playing with the waistband of the boy’s jeans and then cupping his ass, digging his fingers into the rough material and wanting more. “I need you…” Jin repeated Kazuya’s words, feeling the desire exploding inside of him and not knowing how to control it anymore.
“Oh, fuck…” Kazuya whispered and his body trembled in Jin’s arms. “Jin…” he muttered, his hands clutching around Jin’s hair as he brushed against the older one’s lower part, moaning at the sweet and teasing sensation of feeling Jin. “Kiss me one more time.” Kazuya asked, his lips half opened and dry and waiting for Jin’s to complete them.
And Jin complied with Kazuya’s request, catching his lips again into a kiss, somehow slow and in the same time fast, but full of desire and passion as it was each kiss of Jin’s. He let his tongue brush against Kazuya’s lips, licking them slowly and teasingly before catching his lower lip between his teeth and slowly pulling on it, his eyes fixed on Kazuya and watching them change with every move of Jin’s. He pecked Kazuya’s lips once and then twice and the third time Jin didn’t detached himself from Kazuya, just stayed there and kissed those lips which seemed to be even more alluring every time it would meet Jin’s. It was a slow kiss, with slow and gentle moves, but Jin’s hands which were still touching every part of Kazuya’s body told that he wanted more. He needed more.
Kazuya broke the kiss chant as his fingers touched Jin’s lips and stayed there stopping them from entrapping his in another devouring and disarming kiss. “I swear that someday you’ll…” Kazuya stopped and got away from Jin’s body, Jin’s hands, though his fingers were still lingering on the older one’s lips. “…kill me.” He completed his sentence and finally removed his fingers.
And typically Kazuya, in a mere second, the younger was already at the door, opening it and looking back at Jin - all shy, flustered and aroused.
“Kazuya?” Jin said, also seeming a little shy but this impression disappeared as soon as the younger blinked at Jin to say that he was listening. He grinned and then, without any shame, Jin happily announced: “Can you tell me where’s the bathroom?”
Kazuya’s eyes widened in shock and coughed a little to hide his laughter. “Sure.” He said with a sheepishly smile. “Down the hall, the last door.” He continued with a perverted glint in his eyes. “Can’t believe you missed me so much.” Kazuya chuckled and stuck out his tongue. “Just don’t make too much noise…” he added with a superior smirk, before exiting the room.
“And who’s fault is it?” Jin shouted after him, sulking again because he had been left… unsatisfied. He hadn’t had sex for five days now and if he had started to think of it, it was the first time Jin had spent so much time without getting laid. Phone sex hadn’t been enough because as much as he could imagine Kazuya next to him, Jin’s hand wasn’t able to draw out of him the same emotions as Kazuya’s body did. And now… “It isn’t fair.” He said to himself, still frustrated because of the lack of Kazuya even if he was so close. He sighed and decided that for starters, he should take care of his little problem. After that… well, Jin hoped he will be able to sleep with Kazuya in the next room.
Oh, the tragedy. So close and yet so far away…
*
Kazuya…
His heart clenched and his body felt the shivers of fear. It crouched in defense and his eyes searched warily around the room. Where did the voice come from?
Come here, Kazuya…
No, he won’t. But he must… if he doesn’t, he’ll be punished. And every time it hurt. But where was she?! Maybe he could still hide, though he had never managed to hide from her completely. She’d always find him and make him do things he didn’t like. Things that made him feel… weak, trapped and dirty. With no one to protect him.
Little Kazuya…
No! She was here, she would come after him, she would tie him, she would touch him, she would tell him that she loves him… “NO!”
“Lies!!”
There she was. That sweet scent of lilies that engulfed him, then another scent that was sprayed at him - the one of strawberries. He tried to get away but her hands would always catch him, her long and red painted nails leaving marks on his skin. And then she would get closer to him, her breath would warm his body, her long hair would tickle his face as her lips would slowly suck onto his lower lip, her eyes never leaving his. There was fear in Kazuya’s eyes, there was desire, but there was also his mom.
“No, leave me alone!!”
Kazuya tried to throw her off, only managing to make her laugh. That insane and rich laugh that prickled his skin, that froze the blood in his veins. And then she would lean closer, she would kiss him, her wet tongue forcing him to open up his lips and sliding into his mouth, taking his breath away. There would be tears in his eyes and she would not care. All she wanted was to…
That’s right, Kazuya. Learn from mommy ‘cause mommy loves Kazuya so much. Aah…
And Kazuya would suck upon her breast, lick her nipple with tears streaming down his face, hating the mother he had once loved. And her voice would ring in his ears like a broken record one that would make him want to scream and run away from the monster that he called mother.
“Please… let me go…”
He would beg and cry, trying to get away and never really succeeding it though. She would simply laugh and because he…
Bad boy Kazuya…
He will be punished and there was no use to contain the screams, to be obedient. Kazuya began to move his body, trashing in the bed while his mother pinned him down, her maddening laugh making his skin cringe. And the cold metal would encircle his wrists tying him by the bed’s front board while his naked body was at her mercy.
“No, no, please!”
Kazuya would whine, would cry for help, but she won’t stop, she would continue touching him, she would use some cold liquid and then would spread his legs, tying them too. Kazuya had no power or whatsoever to win over her and the only thing he could do was to scream, to shout for help that will never come. And all of this will just make her amused, delight written all over her beautiful face. Then her hands would curl around him, wet and slick, moving up and down, drowning slowly Kazuya’s screams with those of whimpering and moans.
There, there… you like it, right? Every man likes it like this, so Kazuya… do this every time they come to you.
And the sudden intrusion between his ass cheeks, made Kazuya forget all the pleasure his mother had been offering to him. There was just one finger, but soon another would follow… then another one and the movement inside of him will make him hurt and bleed for the umpteenth time.
“Please!! STOP!!”
Kazuya was screaming but as usual, there was no one to help him, to protect him from such poisonous words like I love you.
“Kazuya!” his name echoed in the silence of the room, but he didn’t hear it, the screams from his dream were too powerful to know what was happening in real life. “Kazuya, wake up!” Jin tried again, crossing the room in a blink of an eye and sitting down, next to Kazuya, lifting him up and shaking his body in a weak attempt to bring him back.
Then Kento entered the room and saw Kazuya screaming with his eyes closed and sweat sparkling on his son’s face. He approached the bed quickly and made an attempt to touch Kazuya, to calm him down when the younger clutched onto Jin, shaking madly and whimpering. The nightmares were back, was all Kento could think of and he felt powerless seeing his son not relying on him but on another man, a total stranger who knew nothing about Kazuya.
“Don’t let … hurt me…” Kazuya cried, his hands holding dearly onto Jin while he still had his eyes closed.
But as worried as Jin was, he was starting to get sick of this. “Kazuya, listen to me!” he shouted at the younger, but he still tightened his grip on the boy to let him know that he wasn’t alone. Then he continued with a softer voice, one that even he couldn’t recognize. “It’s not real, baby, come back to me.” He said, brushing Kazuya’s hair and moving his body along with the other one’s. “No one is going to hurt you.” He added, rocking his body back and forward, to sooth the younger’s pain. “Kazuya…” he repeated his name, remembering that it had worked the last time they had been into a situation like this.
“I’ll go and bring the pills.” Kento whispered and rushed out of the room, leaving Jin with Kazuya who was now silently crying, his face still buried in the crook of Jin’s neck, his sobs muffled. He was still shaking and mumbling something though nothing could be deciphered. Also he didn’t open his eyes a single moment, fear still towering over his body, over his soul and over his mind.
After two minutes, Kento returned to the room with a flacon of pills and with trembling hands he took out three of them, poured some water in a glass and handed them to Jin. “Give these to him…” he said, his voice shaking a little. “It’ll calm Kazuya down.” He added, looking at the crouching and shaking figure of his son. He was indeed powerless in helping Kazuya or whatsoever.
Jin threw a look at the pills that Kazuya’s father was handing to him and narrowed his eyes on the name written on them. He turned his attention back on the boy in his arms and started to move his hands on the back of his lover, trying to calm him down and totally ignoring Kento. “Throw them away.” He said with a cold voice, seeming mad and furious and wanting to hit something or someone. “Do you even know that your son doesn’t take pills?” Jin continued on the same tone, cursing in his mind the man because he was trying to give his own son amphetamine and wanting to strangulate him only because he had dared to think at this. This was how Kazuya had started to get high, because of his father?!
“He doesn’t take pills?” Kento asked with a surprised voice. “Then has he been in hospital recently?” he added, realizing that he didn’t know much about Kazuya’s physical condition. The last time he had asked, Kazuya said that hadn’t had nightmares in a while so there shouldn’t be worries. “He used to take this when he wanted to calm down.” Kento said, thinking about the period when Kazuya had moved into his house.
“Why the hell should he have been in hospital?” Jin barked at the man, now totally furious and ready to hit Kento for his words, even if Jin’s hands hadn’t released their grip on Kazuya not even one second. “Did you let him take such a thing?!” he accused Kento, staring at him with his eyes and throwing daggers at him. “Do you even have any idea what those fucking pills do to you?!” he continued, now turning his body around to have a better look of the man, while Kazuya was still sobbing in his arms and wasn’t saying anything.
“They give you a state of euphoria…” Kento answered, feeling a little scared by Jin’s murderous stare. “I take them myself.” He then added, wondering where was the wrong in this. “And Kazuya took them too when he first moved here, but because he abused them, he had to be hospitalized.” Kento continued on a small voice, thinking that maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to give them to Kazuya once more. After all, he did spend a year in the rehab.
“And, excuse me, but you think it’s a good thing that he had to be hospitalized because of them?!” Jin slightly raised his voice, his eyes looking dangerous, but his expression still keeping its calm to not scare Kazuya or make him feel fear more than he already was.
And as if Kazuya had sensed Jin’s fury, he began to whimper again and cry muffled no’s, fighting something that wasn’t real but still real enough for him. Kento looked from Jin to Kazuya and remorse swept over him, thinking that the only good thing he had offered to his son had been taking him from his mother. He clutched his hand over the pills and put down the glass, then with a heavy sigh he muttered: “I’ll leave him with you, he doesn’t need me anymore.” And on a whim he leaned forward and caressed Kazuya’s hair but this action only made the boy to shake even more and to whimper in Jin’s arms.
Kento’s guilt deepened so he simply left the room, not looking back.
“Kazuya, look at me.” Jin pleaded the boy as soon as they were left alone. “I need you to come back to me, okay?” he continued with a soft voice, calming and totally different from the one he had used with Kento earlier. “Can you do that for me?” he asked, cupping Kazuya’s cheeks and bringing his head up to look into the younger’s eyes, his thumbs gently brushing over them.
But Kazuya refused to open his eyes and tried to hide his face away from Jin. He was recognizing the voice, he knew whom it belong to but he was afraid… he was afraid to open his eyes and to find himself with his mother and being once more abused. And there were still tears sliding from under his shut eyes and Kazuya was biting his lower lip, trying to suppress his sobs, trying to calm down the scared child within him.
“Kazuya, baby, it’s me, you don’t have to be afraid of anything.” Jin repeated his earlier words, wiping the younger’s tears and kissing his closed eyes. He let one hand run on the boy’s arm in a soothing touch, trying to make him realize who was really touching him now, and sighed when Kazuya’s expression didn’t change. “I’ll protect you, Kazuya, remember that I promised you that?” he added, hoping to at least sense some kind of wish to get away from his nightmare from Kazuya. “I love you, Kazuya, I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you.”
And the words ‘I love you’ triggered fear once more in Kazuya’s mind. His hands clutched on Jin’s shirt turned into fists and he began to hit, wanting to get away. His cries grew louder almost like a child would do. “Don’t say you love me and then hurt me!!” he shouted through tears. “She never loved me, she never did and she said it countless times!!” Then he let his head fall down into his chest, his hands limp between his body and Jin’s. “…she always hurt me.” Kazuya confessed like he had been waiting all along just to say this. “She slept with me, Jin!!!” the younger lifted his head and looked into Jin’s eyes, for the first time awake from his nightmare. Kazuya’s eyes were red from crying, tears were still flowing from them and his beautiful face wore an expression of utmost disgust and fear.
Jin’s face didn’t show anything, he just kept on looking at the younger, his hands circling Kazuya’s waist and bringing him closer so that Jin could place a small kiss on the younger’s forehead. “But it’s okay now.” He said with a gentle voice, showing a small smile. “She isn’t here anymore and she can’t touch you. I’ll never allow anyone to touch you.” He assured the boy with the same serene expression and a confident tone. “Kazuya…” he took a deep breath and his eyes searched for the boy’s ones. “You can’t let her haunt you all of your life. Forget about her or… face her.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about…” Kazuya answered with a hoarse voice. “But thank you for your concern, thanks for being here…” he added and leaned against Jin, feeling weak and vulnerable. “I’m sorry you had to see such a thing.” Kazuya muttered, thinking that probably he hadn’t offered the best show. But he couldn’t help when such nightmares would barge into his life and steal everything he had managed to build. “Stay with me until I fall asleep.” He asked Jin with a plea in his voice, sighing with a soft cry.
“Nothing could keep me away from you.” Jin replied with a wide grin this time, kissing him once again on his forehead and then pecking his lips. He climbed into the bed, next to Kazuya and let the younger cuddle into his arms, offering him the warmth that he was so desperately searching in that moment. “I’m not going to leave, Kazuya. Never.” He promised into Kazuya’s ear with a low and whispered tone, like they were the only ones who needed to know their secret promise. “No matter what happens, no matter what the others do, I’ll always be there for you.”
Kazuya smiled at the words and cuddled even more into Jin. Sleep came over him soon and this time, the younger found himself to be slipping into a dreamless sleep, protected by Jin’s warm arms.
*
Sometimes… we want to help the ones we love, we find ourselves to want to do something for them - anything - no matter as bad as it would seem for others. But we can’t. We can’t because we don’t know what they need most. We don’t know the ones we love and whom we’d give our life for. It’s pitiful.
It’s shameful.
Jin kept tossing in bed, as little as he could to not wake Kazuya up, but still trying to find the right position to sleep in. He couldn’t. He had forced his eyes to shut down, hoping that sleep would eventually come to him, but it didn’t happen this way and two hours had already passed since Kazuya had fallen asleep in his arms. He had never had this problem but then again, he had never seen the younger like this. Jin had known that Kazuya has a lot of problems and a lot of them he doesn’t want to share with anyone, especially with Jin, but he really hoped that Kazuya could count a little more on him, that he could rely on Jin when he needs help.
He still couldn’t believe that his own father had given amphetamine to Kazuya and that Kento was the one responsible for his son’s addiction to drugs. To be honest, Jin didn’t really care if Kazuya was an addict or not, considering the fact that he himself had made a lot of people become like this, but… Kazuya had first come to him for drugs. What if this hadn’t changed? What if Kazuya was staying with Jin just so that he could have his supply of drugs in an easier way?
Jin couldn’t get rid of this thought and every time he thought at it, only one decision came into his mind. He had to make Kazuya give up drugs. He had to help him.
He yawned and detached his body from Kazuya, kissing the younger on his shoulder when a whimper left the boy’s lips. He got off bed and smiled when the younger searched for him in his sleep, finding instead his pillow and hugging it as if it were Jin. He continued smiling as he left the room and headed to the kitchen to drink a glass of water, but it all disappeared as soon as he opened the door and found Kento inside, sitting at the table.
The older man looked up and saw Jin standing in the door’s frame. “Is he okay?” he asked with a hoarse voice, everything in his expression showing that he hadn’t slept since Kazuya had woken up screaming, though there was something else, a haunted expression.
“He will be, if he stays away from any kind of drugs.” Jin replied with a nonchalant tone, but the reproach still hidden in it, as he entered the room and made his way to the fridge.
“D-drugs?” Kento blinked, looking in surprise at Jin. “You mean, the pills?” he then added with an expression of relief.
Jin arched an elegant eyebrow at him and looked intensively at Kazuya’s father. “You do know that those pills contain amphetamine which is also a drug?” he asked with a half-surprised, half-angry voice. “It’s not that powerful as the real thing, but it still gives you addiction if you use it for a long time.”
Kento nodded slightly, but choose not to say a thing. Of course he knew it would get you addicted in case of long term use, he was one of those addicts, but he had no reason to share this piece of information with Jin. But because this was getting awkward, he felt the need to say something, just to fill the silence. “Since when Kazuya doesn’t take pills anymore?” Kento asked, feeling stupid and inutile as he had to ask a stranger about his son’s condition. Yet again he hadn’t been next to Kazuya for eighteen years of the boy’s life and for the last two years they haven’t spoken more than thrice a year.
“Since a long time.” Jin shortly replied, not wanting to give other one information. If the man was stupid enough to make his own son fall into the claws of drugs, then Jin wasn’t going to be merciful with him at all. “How long has he been having nightmares?” he then asked, wanting to get to the bottom of this.
Kento looked down and muttered. “He used to have them when he first came to live with me, but after a year, he stopped having them or at least that’s what he told me. Then he went to college and I didn’t have any choice than to believe his word.” Kento sighed and looked up at Jin. “I guess he lied all along.” He smiled a sad smile.
Of course he lied, who would have wanted to be taken care by someone like you? Jin wanted to say but refrained from doing so, knowing that it won’t do any good to neither of them. “Do you know what his mother used to do to him?” instead, he chose to continue his interrogatory.
Kento’s eyes darkened at the mention of Kazuya’s mother and the feeling of guilt deepened again. “I believe Kazuya hasn’t told you anything about her, right?” he asked with a hollow laugh. “And who would? Having such a mother as Kazuya had…”
“He didn’t tell me much but it’s not hard to fill in the blanks from his stories.” Jin explained as he finally took the bottle of water and sat down on the chair, next to Kazuya’s father. “But I want to know more, to learn exactly what happened so that I can help him. I can’t do much if he doesn’t face his past.” He continued, now with a slightly worried tone, fixing Kento with his eyes, plea obvious in them.
“Kazuya won’t face his past so don’t try to make him do so.” Kento replied, hardness in his eyes. “You think you can fill in the blanks, but you still won’t have the whole picture of the story, least the main breaking point in his child life.” He continued, thinking that if he’d tell this to Jin, maybe the older would believe that Kazuya was with him just because of his past. “And if you’re forcing him into turning back time and fight against his monsters…” Kento shook his head, his eyes sorrowful and full of guilt. “You’ll break him this way.”
“So what? Your method of drugging him was better?” Jin replied, now clearly annoyed. He hated to have someone nagging about him and even more when the person in question was even worse than him. “And if you know so much about what happened to him, why didn’t you go and rescue him earlier? Why did you let him become like this?!” he raised his tone a little, but trying to keep his calm because he didn’t want to wake up Kazuya with his shouts, not after he had managed to finally sleep again.
Kento winced at the accusations Jin brought and he clasped his hands as they began to tremble. “I didn’t drug him and who are you to say all of this to me?!” he looked at Jin and although his words seemed harsh, his voice was small and slightly shaking. “And if he hadn’t become like this, you would have never met him or be his lover.” Kento said a little more confident.
“So now you’re saying it’s a good thing you gave that shit to him?!” Jin hissed with a low voice, but seeming even more frightful and scary. “Then I should thank you that he’s an addict!” he continued on a mocking tone, leaving his chair and taking a few steps away from Kento. He had the feeling he will kill him any time soon if things continued like this.
“He’s not an addict!” Kento replied, shocked by such a statement. “He had that problem with the pills three years ago, but he was in rehab and now he’s fine!” he continued, firmly convinced that his Kazuya wasn’t taking drugs. “And I never said that giving out of mistake such pills to him had been a good thing.” Kento added on a regretful and paid tone. He had never intended to make Kazuya the way he had been back then, but… things happened.
Jin rolled his eyes. “Well, it just shows how much you know about him.” he simply said and then he quickly added, not wanting the man to insist on this topic. “Tell me what you know about his mother.”
Kento looked hurt at Jin’s words, but he had no right to contradict him. Of course he didn’t know much about Kazuya, after all, the boy had shut him out of his life the moment he had left for college. And Kento was no one to blame him. “What do you know about her?” he asked Jin, still not sure if he was supposed to talk about her without Kazuya’s consent. After all, his son himself hadn’t told Jin about his past, his whole past.
Jin narrowed his eyes at him, feeling like he would lose a game if he answered Kento’s question when he was the one who had asked first. He ignored the feeling of losing though and concentrated on the fact that this could actually help Kazuya. “That she beat him. She slept with him. She made him lose his mind.” He finally said, still keeping his threatening look concentrated on the man in front of him.
“You do know a bit…” Kento mumbled and seemed to think a little. “But there are slight differences.” He said and another pause followed. “She didn’t beat him, it was her clients who did so. You see, Kazuya’s mother was a prostitute. Well, a home-prostitute because she had favorite clients and not everyone could have her.” Kento gave a bitter laugh. “And… and Kazuya was there with her. She had always seen him as a girl, because he was cute and all, each of her clients goggling at him and saying that he would have been better if he was girl because he inherited her beauty and it was such a pity because he was a boy.” He said everything in a breath, afraid that if he stopped he couldn’t continue, he couldn’t say what Kazuya had said to him in a stormy night, crying and threatening to kill himself because of the pain inside of him. “She was beautiful, indeed, but mad, you see. Because soon enough she taught Kazuya how to seduce men, she made him a man but with the charms of a woman.” Here Kento stopped, closed his eyes and looked in front of him, not seeing Jin but his son crying and laughing, shouting and whimpering, scared and lost. “Like mother, like son. She made a whore out of her own son, her mirror.”
Jin bit his tongue to not say how much of a whore Kazuya was. Kento had no idea what Kazuya had been doing when he was away from him, but Jin wasn’t the right person to tell him either. Besides, he didn’t want to share something like this with a man who was so despicable in his eyes. “And why did you leave him with her if you knew that she’s a slut?” Jin asked, unable to hide the disgust from his voice.
“Because I was in jail.” Kento simply replied, looking straight at Jin this time, because he had faced his demons and he was not ashamed to talk about his period in prison.
“For twenty years?” Jin cocked an inquiring eyebrow at the man. “What did you do? Murder someone?” he asked, suspecting that the drugs had been the real reason for Kento’s imprisonment.
Kento laughed and nodded. “Yes. I murdered the man who was fucking my slut wife.” He replied with a lopsided smile. “Pretty funny, isn’t it? Of course, Kazuya doesn’t know anything about this, he believes I have abandoned them.” He added with a shrug, though there was a pained expression on his face.
“Oh, God.” Jin sighed as he slumped back on the chair with a tired expression. “How the hell had Kazuya managed to gather such characters around him?” he laughed a bitter laugh, also referring to himself.
“It is said that parents are something you’re born with, not something you choose.” Kento replied as if this explained Kazuya’s unfortunate fate. “So this is how it is. My beautiful, but slutty wife turned my only son into a damned toy for the men who came to visit her.” His eyes were full of hatred when he spoke this, because he couldn’t help but feel different when he had seen the result of his wife’s doing. “And I don’t even want to imagine the ways she had made Kazuya suffer, how those men abused of him…”
Jin had a few ideas, perfectly knowing how men like those like their slut to be, but chose to keep silent, figuring that it was for the best. Instead, he rose from his chair and turned his back on Kento. “I think it’s better if this conversation remains between us.” He said, not bothering to look at the man. He opened the door to the kitchen and stopped in its frame. “I’ll go back to Kazuya, I don’t want him to wake up alone.” He added with a sorrowful voice. He was also hurting Kazuya just by staying next to him. But… what could he do?
“Of course…” Kento replied, looking at Jin. “I didn’t even think otherwise…” he muttered to himself as he lowered his head and let it rest on the table.
“Good.” Was the last thing Jin said before finally exiting the room and going back to Kazuya. It was already morning, the sun will be up soon, but Jin felt he needed a little bit of rest before he would be able to face his lover. He had no idea how will Kazuya react when he’ll wake up, considering this was the first time he had had an attack with Jin near, but… he hoped it will be alright.
It had to be.
“Huh?” was Jin’s only answer. “Why?” he asked with a surprised voice, not understanding why was Kazuya saying such things.
“It’s my father’s house.” Kazuya simply replied, like it should have been obvious. “Besides, even if he didn’t say it clearly, he asked me to prepare a room for you…” he trailed off, thinking that even if Kento had been all friendly with Jin, he still had his reserves when it came to him.
“Eeeeeeh?” Jin pouted, stopping in his track and refusing to take even one more step. “But I waited that much and now I can’t stay with you?” he pursed his lips, looking like a winning child. “It’s not fair!” he protested, staring at Kazuya with his puppy eyes, hoping that he’ll make the younger change his mind or at least convince him to make Jin a nocturne visit.
Kazuya looked at him and stopped a smile from forming on his lips. “Fair or not, we can’t sleep together.” He said and made the same puppy face as Jin, wanting to be understood. “But we have rooms close to each other so we’re not that separated, right?” he stuck out his tongue.
Jin continued to pout for a few seconds, but his expression changed suddenly into a wide grin when a thought crossed his mind. “Whatever, this doesn’t mean that I have to let you go now.” He said, taking Kazuya’s hand again and pulling on it to urge the younger to move forward. “We just don’t need to sleep, right?” he asked, a large smile plastered on his face as he turned around to look at Kazuya.
Kazuya sighed and went forward to where their rooms were. As he arrived in front of Jin’s room, he flashed a smile at the other one and opened the door revealing a dim lit room impregnated with the same strawberry smell Kazuya wore. There was a double bed with golden sheets and lots of pillows of all sizes, a small bookcase, a round table where a vase with flowers stood and a wardrobe. Kind of Spartan you’d say if not for the lamps on the bed’s side-stands from where the dim light came, making the golden sheets catch your attention wholly.
“I hope you like it…” Kazuya said smiling and fidgeting. “I tried to make it more comfortable, but beside the bed… there weren’t many. Some are brought from my room.” He gave Jin an apologetic look.
“It’s not like I’m used to living in luxury.” Jin stuck out his tongue at the younger as he threw another look to the room. It was nice and comfy, but what excited Jin more was the smell of strawberry, the same smell that had him mad just because Kazuya used something resembling this. He took a deep breath as he stopped in the middle of the room and then he turned around, stretching a hand towards Kazuya and calling him closer.
And there it was again - that lurch in his stomach, the one that gave his loins a sizzling feeling, making Kazuya feel all of a sudden conscious of everything he was and of everything that Jin was. He looked at the other one with big and round eyes, fearful and wishful, before taking his hand and getting closer to the danger that was the man in front of him. Looking at Jin, Kazuya had known that golden would suit him perfectly, the way the light reflected the sheets’ color gave Jin’s skin a glow like the ones he would usually get glimpses of when the older would lose himself all over Kazuya, control or whatsoever vanishing on the spot. Like when sweat drops would prickle down Jin’s skin and the light would draw shades and tints of golden on it. And reminiscing all of it now, seeing it real, Kazuya gulped down and looked at their clasped hands.
“Jin…” he muttered, not knowing what else he could say. It was so awkward all of a sudden.
Jin sensed the change into Kazuya but he didn’t say anything, just continued to pull onto the younger’s hand, dragging him to the bed and settling down on it, Kazuya in his arms. “Let’s just stay like this for a moment.” he explained, using a low voice as if he was afraid of scaring Kazuya.
Surprised at Jin’s antics, Kazuya simply nodded and settled better in Jin’s arms. It felt good being there, there was a feeling of protection, one he had been craving for way too long. He slid his free hand around Jin’s waist and nuzzled his nose into Jin’s neck, inhaling his scent. “If I fall asleep, take me to my room…” he whispered, feeling so sleepy, so good and so vulnerable.
Jin smiled into Kazuya’s hair and chose to not say anything more, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere spread over them. It was unusual for them to be in such a situation but Jin found himself to enjoy the feeling of calmness and happiness that was trapping him now. Usually, they would be fighting or yelling or just fucking, but moments like this were rare in their relationship so it was a good change, one that Jin was welcoming with open arms and a light heart.
“Kazuya?” He didn’t know how much time had passed until he finally opened his mouth to utter the boy’s name. “Can I ask you something?” Jin continued, sensing the younger moving in his arms, trying to say that he was awake and listening.
“Hmm…?” the other one made a sound, not really wanting to talk; it felt cozy and he wanted to stay like this forever.
“Can I ask you about your mother?” Jin replied with a slightly unsure voice, not knowing if it was a good idea to do this when he had finally seen Kazuya after a long time. But then again, just because he didn’t know if it was good or bad, it just meant that he didn’t know the younger enough.
Kazuya tensed, all the warmth and coziness now driven away by the chilly wind of the memories. “What do you want to know?” he replied after what seemed an eternity. He wasn’t sure why Jin wanted to know about his mom, but Kazuya believed that anyone who’d come to his house and found only his father would ask questions. After all, his friends had been the same but with them had been easy and he wasn’t so sure about Jin.
“For starters, where is she?” Jin asked, feeling now a little more confident seeing that Kazuya hadn’t rejected his question.
“I don’t know and care.” Kazuya replied, a sudden hatred in his voice.
Jin suppressed a scoff, remembering his own words from when Kazuya had asked about his parents. He wondered how much their stories resembled but somehow Jin doubted that they were alike too much, considering their personality and… maybe the fact that Kazuya had been screaming after his mother when he had drunk too much.
“What happened between the two of you?” Jin insisted while he tightened his grip on the younger, wanting to know more and not giving up that easily. He wanted the most to find out the reason behind Kazuya’s addiction to drugs and Jin had a feeling that this should be his starting point.
If Kazuya had been groggy a few minutes ago, now he was fully awake, the subject of his mother being one that could make him feel empty and alone at any time in his life. He shifted some more, wanting to detach himself from Jin, not wanting to taint the place he considered his shelter with the memory of his mother. But Jin was holding him still so he couldn’t do much to get away.
“Not much.” He answered thinking that it wasn’t the best to tell Jin what had his mother made him do. “I was in her care for 18 years of my life and she mostly… left me neglected.” He shrugged, thinking that it wasn’t such a big difference from the truth. She had left him neglected many times after countless men would abuse him. “I grew up with her alcohol addiction and her whore traits until dad came after me. Since then I haven’t heard a thing from her or bothered to search for her.”
“I see…” Jin mumbled under his breath, starting to understanding a little more about Kazuya. Well, it wasn’t that hard seeing as he had grown up with a whore mother too so Jin kind of knew what life the younger had before his father rescued him from the crawls of his mother. “And why didn’t your father came earlier?” he then asked, wondering what the hell had the man been doing when his son was suffering alone.
Kazuya gave a hollow laugh. “Do you think I know? Go and ask him.” He laughed again though there was no humor in his voice. “I don’t care about his reasons as long he had taken me from there. He had given me a motive to live.” He added thinking of his situation when his father had came to pick him up, telling him that everything will end that day and that it will be okay. It had been too much of a hope to be given to an eighteen years old boy who had tried to end his life before. Just to get away from his mother and her clients’ touches.
“Hmm…” Jin murmured, not knowing what to say that wouldn’t displease Kazuya and make him shut himself in front of Jin yet again. He could only kiss the younger on his forehead and hope that he can understand what was Jin trying to say without words. “I fought with my parents a lot too because of their habit of getting drunk and trying to beat me just because it seemed fun.” Instead, he chose to share a little bit of his experience, to let him know that he wasn’t the only one. Jin laughed, thinking at their pathetic faces. “I always fought back,” he explained, “and once I even got my father into hospital because he had fallen on the stairs.” He confessed, remembering that no one had believed them when his parents had tried to make the police arrest their son because of an attempt of murder. They had been the ones to go to jail instead.
“I’m glad you fought back.” Kazuya said and squeezed Jin’s hand. “Parents should not do such things… yet still they do.” He added as a thought, the obvious question never being uttered - why?
“Well, it’s not like we can’t defend ourselves.” Jin shrugged a little, as much as he could when he was in Kazuya’s embrace. “Besides, they’re not the only ones in our life. Good or bad, we can always use the others to get what we want.” He added, thinking that this was the thing he knew best and what got him there, in the position he currently occupied.
“Maybe.” Kazuya replied lazily, too tired to contradict Jin on the fact that people should not be used but cherished. Even if he had been one of the puppeteers for many times in his life, studying psychology had taught Kazuya that people want to be used in order to feel loved. So guilt had been dimmed to a small remorse. “I want to sleep, Jin…” Kazuya yawned, feeling again ready to fall back into a sweet oblivion, a welcoming dream.
Jin chuckled and buried his head into Kazuya’s hair, bringing the younger even closer. “Then let’s sleep…” he answered with a lazy voice, thinking that at least he could enjoy Kazuya’s company over the night.
“Nnh…” Kazuya murmured, then he rose up, leaving Jin’s warm arms. “I have to sleep in my room, you forgot?” he looked with a sleepy but determined expression at Jin. And after a moment, he leaned forward and kissed him. “Sorry…” he whispered against his lips, Kazuya’s eyes now half closed, the younger wearing a cute and fluffy expression.
Jin groaned into the kiss, lifting his hand to cup Kazuya’s cheek and keep him close a little longer. “I haven’t forgotten, I just hoped you did.” He confessed, not feeling ready to let Kazuya go just yet. He hadn’t been with the younger for five days and now, that he finally had him into his arms, Jin felt so frustrated that he couldn’t touch him like he wanted to.
The younger chuckled and closed his eyes for a moment. “I would have if not for my father.” Kazuya said, such words being the closest to what Kazuya will say instead of I missed you too. “That’s why… let’s be good boys and behave like ones, okay?” he smiled and brushed his lips against Jin’s before detaching completely from him. “Sleep tight.” Kazuya wished to Jin with a smile and got off from the bed.
Jin pouted and crossed his arms, still wanting to protest but knowing that it will be useless, so he just kept shut and expressed his displeasure through his body. “Good night.” He mumbled under his breath, sighing as in defeat, only that exactly in that moment he rose from the bed and glued his body to the younger one’s, catching his lips and kissing him with passion and lust, sending Kazuya all of his frustrations and fantasies that he had been keeping under control.
He had been waiting for this, oh God, he had yearned for this with his whole body, Kazuya thought as he returned Jin’s kiss, raw desire meeting desire, all the suppressed passion burst all of a sudden with an intensity that burned both of them. There were sloppy, rushed and needy kisses, rough and trembling touches, harsh and rasp breaths as everything exploded in Kazuya’s body - everything that was Jin. “I so needed you…” Kazuya whispered, his heart beating like crazy, his lips craving for more as his body glued even more to Jin’s. “I need you…” he said again, holding his lover tightly, his nails dug into his shirt and clutched all around the material.
Jin growled, half-excited because he was finally having Kazuya, he was able to taste and kiss him like he wanted to do in that last days, half-annoyed because he knew in the back of his mind that they couldn’t continue this if Kazuya didn’t want to and Jin was pretty sure that he would refuse, seeing as he didn’t even want to sleep in the same bed with him because of his father. He decided to completely shut down his mind and just take advantage of what he could, grinding his body into Kazuya’s and kissing his lips like he hadn’t tasted them for an eternity, letting his hands roam over the younger’s body, sneaking under his shirt and touching Kazuya’s burning skin, only that sweet sensation making Jin feel like going crazy.
“Kazuya…” he whispered with a low and aroused tone, going lower on the boy’s neck, biting and sucking on the soft skin until a small red mark appeared which made Jin feel a little more satisfied with himself. He let one of his hands go up on Kazuya’s body while the other one went down, playing with the waistband of the boy’s jeans and then cupping his ass, digging his fingers into the rough material and wanting more. “I need you…” Jin repeated Kazuya’s words, feeling the desire exploding inside of him and not knowing how to control it anymore.
“Oh, fuck…” Kazuya whispered and his body trembled in Jin’s arms. “Jin…” he muttered, his hands clutching around Jin’s hair as he brushed against the older one’s lower part, moaning at the sweet and teasing sensation of feeling Jin. “Kiss me one more time.” Kazuya asked, his lips half opened and dry and waiting for Jin’s to complete them.
And Jin complied with Kazuya’s request, catching his lips again into a kiss, somehow slow and in the same time fast, but full of desire and passion as it was each kiss of Jin’s. He let his tongue brush against Kazuya’s lips, licking them slowly and teasingly before catching his lower lip between his teeth and slowly pulling on it, his eyes fixed on Kazuya and watching them change with every move of Jin’s. He pecked Kazuya’s lips once and then twice and the third time Jin didn’t detached himself from Kazuya, just stayed there and kissed those lips which seemed to be even more alluring every time it would meet Jin’s. It was a slow kiss, with slow and gentle moves, but Jin’s hands which were still touching every part of Kazuya’s body told that he wanted more. He needed more.
Kazuya broke the kiss chant as his fingers touched Jin’s lips and stayed there stopping them from entrapping his in another devouring and disarming kiss. “I swear that someday you’ll…” Kazuya stopped and got away from Jin’s body, Jin’s hands, though his fingers were still lingering on the older one’s lips. “…kill me.” He completed his sentence and finally removed his fingers.
And typically Kazuya, in a mere second, the younger was already at the door, opening it and looking back at Jin - all shy, flustered and aroused.
“Kazuya?” Jin said, also seeming a little shy but this impression disappeared as soon as the younger blinked at Jin to say that he was listening. He grinned and then, without any shame, Jin happily announced: “Can you tell me where’s the bathroom?”
Kazuya’s eyes widened in shock and coughed a little to hide his laughter. “Sure.” He said with a sheepishly smile. “Down the hall, the last door.” He continued with a perverted glint in his eyes. “Can’t believe you missed me so much.” Kazuya chuckled and stuck out his tongue. “Just don’t make too much noise…” he added with a superior smirk, before exiting the room.
“And who’s fault is it?” Jin shouted after him, sulking again because he had been left… unsatisfied. He hadn’t had sex for five days now and if he had started to think of it, it was the first time Jin had spent so much time without getting laid. Phone sex hadn’t been enough because as much as he could imagine Kazuya next to him, Jin’s hand wasn’t able to draw out of him the same emotions as Kazuya’s body did. And now… “It isn’t fair.” He said to himself, still frustrated because of the lack of Kazuya even if he was so close. He sighed and decided that for starters, he should take care of his little problem. After that… well, Jin hoped he will be able to sleep with Kazuya in the next room.
Oh, the tragedy. So close and yet so far away…
*
Kazuya…
His heart clenched and his body felt the shivers of fear. It crouched in defense and his eyes searched warily around the room. Where did the voice come from?
Come here, Kazuya…
No, he won’t. But he must… if he doesn’t, he’ll be punished. And every time it hurt. But where was she?! Maybe he could still hide, though he had never managed to hide from her completely. She’d always find him and make him do things he didn’t like. Things that made him feel… weak, trapped and dirty. With no one to protect him.
Little Kazuya…
No! She was here, she would come after him, she would tie him, she would touch him, she would tell him that she loves him… “NO!”
“Lies!!”
There she was. That sweet scent of lilies that engulfed him, then another scent that was sprayed at him - the one of strawberries. He tried to get away but her hands would always catch him, her long and red painted nails leaving marks on his skin. And then she would get closer to him, her breath would warm his body, her long hair would tickle his face as her lips would slowly suck onto his lower lip, her eyes never leaving his. There was fear in Kazuya’s eyes, there was desire, but there was also his mom.
“No, leave me alone!!”
Kazuya tried to throw her off, only managing to make her laugh. That insane and rich laugh that prickled his skin, that froze the blood in his veins. And then she would lean closer, she would kiss him, her wet tongue forcing him to open up his lips and sliding into his mouth, taking his breath away. There would be tears in his eyes and she would not care. All she wanted was to…
That’s right, Kazuya. Learn from mommy ‘cause mommy loves Kazuya so much. Aah…
And Kazuya would suck upon her breast, lick her nipple with tears streaming down his face, hating the mother he had once loved. And her voice would ring in his ears like a broken record one that would make him want to scream and run away from the monster that he called mother.
“Please… let me go…”
He would beg and cry, trying to get away and never really succeeding it though. She would simply laugh and because he…
Bad boy Kazuya…
He will be punished and there was no use to contain the screams, to be obedient. Kazuya began to move his body, trashing in the bed while his mother pinned him down, her maddening laugh making his skin cringe. And the cold metal would encircle his wrists tying him by the bed’s front board while his naked body was at her mercy.
“No, no, please!”
Kazuya would whine, would cry for help, but she won’t stop, she would continue touching him, she would use some cold liquid and then would spread his legs, tying them too. Kazuya had no power or whatsoever to win over her and the only thing he could do was to scream, to shout for help that will never come. And all of this will just make her amused, delight written all over her beautiful face. Then her hands would curl around him, wet and slick, moving up and down, drowning slowly Kazuya’s screams with those of whimpering and moans.
There, there… you like it, right? Every man likes it like this, so Kazuya… do this every time they come to you.
And the sudden intrusion between his ass cheeks, made Kazuya forget all the pleasure his mother had been offering to him. There was just one finger, but soon another would follow… then another one and the movement inside of him will make him hurt and bleed for the umpteenth time.
“Please!! STOP!!”
Kazuya was screaming but as usual, there was no one to help him, to protect him from such poisonous words like I love you.
“Kazuya!” his name echoed in the silence of the room, but he didn’t hear it, the screams from his dream were too powerful to know what was happening in real life. “Kazuya, wake up!” Jin tried again, crossing the room in a blink of an eye and sitting down, next to Kazuya, lifting him up and shaking his body in a weak attempt to bring him back.
Then Kento entered the room and saw Kazuya screaming with his eyes closed and sweat sparkling on his son’s face. He approached the bed quickly and made an attempt to touch Kazuya, to calm him down when the younger clutched onto Jin, shaking madly and whimpering. The nightmares were back, was all Kento could think of and he felt powerless seeing his son not relying on him but on another man, a total stranger who knew nothing about Kazuya.
“Don’t let … hurt me…” Kazuya cried, his hands holding dearly onto Jin while he still had his eyes closed.
But as worried as Jin was, he was starting to get sick of this. “Kazuya, listen to me!” he shouted at the younger, but he still tightened his grip on the boy to let him know that he wasn’t alone. Then he continued with a softer voice, one that even he couldn’t recognize. “It’s not real, baby, come back to me.” He said, brushing Kazuya’s hair and moving his body along with the other one’s. “No one is going to hurt you.” He added, rocking his body back and forward, to sooth the younger’s pain. “Kazuya…” he repeated his name, remembering that it had worked the last time they had been into a situation like this.
“I’ll go and bring the pills.” Kento whispered and rushed out of the room, leaving Jin with Kazuya who was now silently crying, his face still buried in the crook of Jin’s neck, his sobs muffled. He was still shaking and mumbling something though nothing could be deciphered. Also he didn’t open his eyes a single moment, fear still towering over his body, over his soul and over his mind.
After two minutes, Kento returned to the room with a flacon of pills and with trembling hands he took out three of them, poured some water in a glass and handed them to Jin. “Give these to him…” he said, his voice shaking a little. “It’ll calm Kazuya down.” He added, looking at the crouching and shaking figure of his son. He was indeed powerless in helping Kazuya or whatsoever.
Jin threw a look at the pills that Kazuya’s father was handing to him and narrowed his eyes on the name written on them. He turned his attention back on the boy in his arms and started to move his hands on the back of his lover, trying to calm him down and totally ignoring Kento. “Throw them away.” He said with a cold voice, seeming mad and furious and wanting to hit something or someone. “Do you even know that your son doesn’t take pills?” Jin continued on the same tone, cursing in his mind the man because he was trying to give his own son amphetamine and wanting to strangulate him only because he had dared to think at this. This was how Kazuya had started to get high, because of his father?!
“He doesn’t take pills?” Kento asked with a surprised voice. “Then has he been in hospital recently?” he added, realizing that he didn’t know much about Kazuya’s physical condition. The last time he had asked, Kazuya said that hadn’t had nightmares in a while so there shouldn’t be worries. “He used to take this when he wanted to calm down.” Kento said, thinking about the period when Kazuya had moved into his house.
“Why the hell should he have been in hospital?” Jin barked at the man, now totally furious and ready to hit Kento for his words, even if Jin’s hands hadn’t released their grip on Kazuya not even one second. “Did you let him take such a thing?!” he accused Kento, staring at him with his eyes and throwing daggers at him. “Do you even have any idea what those fucking pills do to you?!” he continued, now turning his body around to have a better look of the man, while Kazuya was still sobbing in his arms and wasn’t saying anything.
“They give you a state of euphoria…” Kento answered, feeling a little scared by Jin’s murderous stare. “I take them myself.” He then added, wondering where was the wrong in this. “And Kazuya took them too when he first moved here, but because he abused them, he had to be hospitalized.” Kento continued on a small voice, thinking that maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to give them to Kazuya once more. After all, he did spend a year in the rehab.
“And, excuse me, but you think it’s a good thing that he had to be hospitalized because of them?!” Jin slightly raised his voice, his eyes looking dangerous, but his expression still keeping its calm to not scare Kazuya or make him feel fear more than he already was.
And as if Kazuya had sensed Jin’s fury, he began to whimper again and cry muffled no’s, fighting something that wasn’t real but still real enough for him. Kento looked from Jin to Kazuya and remorse swept over him, thinking that the only good thing he had offered to his son had been taking him from his mother. He clutched his hand over the pills and put down the glass, then with a heavy sigh he muttered: “I’ll leave him with you, he doesn’t need me anymore.” And on a whim he leaned forward and caressed Kazuya’s hair but this action only made the boy to shake even more and to whimper in Jin’s arms.
Kento’s guilt deepened so he simply left the room, not looking back.
“Kazuya, look at me.” Jin pleaded the boy as soon as they were left alone. “I need you to come back to me, okay?” he continued with a soft voice, calming and totally different from the one he had used with Kento earlier. “Can you do that for me?” he asked, cupping Kazuya’s cheeks and bringing his head up to look into the younger’s eyes, his thumbs gently brushing over them.
But Kazuya refused to open his eyes and tried to hide his face away from Jin. He was recognizing the voice, he knew whom it belong to but he was afraid… he was afraid to open his eyes and to find himself with his mother and being once more abused. And there were still tears sliding from under his shut eyes and Kazuya was biting his lower lip, trying to suppress his sobs, trying to calm down the scared child within him.
“Kazuya, baby, it’s me, you don’t have to be afraid of anything.” Jin repeated his earlier words, wiping the younger’s tears and kissing his closed eyes. He let one hand run on the boy’s arm in a soothing touch, trying to make him realize who was really touching him now, and sighed when Kazuya’s expression didn’t change. “I’ll protect you, Kazuya, remember that I promised you that?” he added, hoping to at least sense some kind of wish to get away from his nightmare from Kazuya. “I love you, Kazuya, I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you.”
And the words ‘I love you’ triggered fear once more in Kazuya’s mind. His hands clutched on Jin’s shirt turned into fists and he began to hit, wanting to get away. His cries grew louder almost like a child would do. “Don’t say you love me and then hurt me!!” he shouted through tears. “She never loved me, she never did and she said it countless times!!” Then he let his head fall down into his chest, his hands limp between his body and Jin’s. “…she always hurt me.” Kazuya confessed like he had been waiting all along just to say this. “She slept with me, Jin!!!” the younger lifted his head and looked into Jin’s eyes, for the first time awake from his nightmare. Kazuya’s eyes were red from crying, tears were still flowing from them and his beautiful face wore an expression of utmost disgust and fear.
Jin’s face didn’t show anything, he just kept on looking at the younger, his hands circling Kazuya’s waist and bringing him closer so that Jin could place a small kiss on the younger’s forehead. “But it’s okay now.” He said with a gentle voice, showing a small smile. “She isn’t here anymore and she can’t touch you. I’ll never allow anyone to touch you.” He assured the boy with the same serene expression and a confident tone. “Kazuya…” he took a deep breath and his eyes searched for the boy’s ones. “You can’t let her haunt you all of your life. Forget about her or… face her.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about…” Kazuya answered with a hoarse voice. “But thank you for your concern, thanks for being here…” he added and leaned against Jin, feeling weak and vulnerable. “I’m sorry you had to see such a thing.” Kazuya muttered, thinking that probably he hadn’t offered the best show. But he couldn’t help when such nightmares would barge into his life and steal everything he had managed to build. “Stay with me until I fall asleep.” He asked Jin with a plea in his voice, sighing with a soft cry.
“Nothing could keep me away from you.” Jin replied with a wide grin this time, kissing him once again on his forehead and then pecking his lips. He climbed into the bed, next to Kazuya and let the younger cuddle into his arms, offering him the warmth that he was so desperately searching in that moment. “I’m not going to leave, Kazuya. Never.” He promised into Kazuya’s ear with a low and whispered tone, like they were the only ones who needed to know their secret promise. “No matter what happens, no matter what the others do, I’ll always be there for you.”
Kazuya smiled at the words and cuddled even more into Jin. Sleep came over him soon and this time, the younger found himself to be slipping into a dreamless sleep, protected by Jin’s warm arms.
*
Sometimes… we want to help the ones we love, we find ourselves to want to do something for them - anything - no matter as bad as it would seem for others. But we can’t. We can’t because we don’t know what they need most. We don’t know the ones we love and whom we’d give our life for. It’s pitiful.
It’s shameful.
Jin kept tossing in bed, as little as he could to not wake Kazuya up, but still trying to find the right position to sleep in. He couldn’t. He had forced his eyes to shut down, hoping that sleep would eventually come to him, but it didn’t happen this way and two hours had already passed since Kazuya had fallen asleep in his arms. He had never had this problem but then again, he had never seen the younger like this. Jin had known that Kazuya has a lot of problems and a lot of them he doesn’t want to share with anyone, especially with Jin, but he really hoped that Kazuya could count a little more on him, that he could rely on Jin when he needs help.
He still couldn’t believe that his own father had given amphetamine to Kazuya and that Kento was the one responsible for his son’s addiction to drugs. To be honest, Jin didn’t really care if Kazuya was an addict or not, considering the fact that he himself had made a lot of people become like this, but… Kazuya had first come to him for drugs. What if this hadn’t changed? What if Kazuya was staying with Jin just so that he could have his supply of drugs in an easier way?
Jin couldn’t get rid of this thought and every time he thought at it, only one decision came into his mind. He had to make Kazuya give up drugs. He had to help him.
He yawned and detached his body from Kazuya, kissing the younger on his shoulder when a whimper left the boy’s lips. He got off bed and smiled when the younger searched for him in his sleep, finding instead his pillow and hugging it as if it were Jin. He continued smiling as he left the room and headed to the kitchen to drink a glass of water, but it all disappeared as soon as he opened the door and found Kento inside, sitting at the table.
The older man looked up and saw Jin standing in the door’s frame. “Is he okay?” he asked with a hoarse voice, everything in his expression showing that he hadn’t slept since Kazuya had woken up screaming, though there was something else, a haunted expression.
“He will be, if he stays away from any kind of drugs.” Jin replied with a nonchalant tone, but the reproach still hidden in it, as he entered the room and made his way to the fridge.
“D-drugs?” Kento blinked, looking in surprise at Jin. “You mean, the pills?” he then added with an expression of relief.
Jin arched an elegant eyebrow at him and looked intensively at Kazuya’s father. “You do know that those pills contain amphetamine which is also a drug?” he asked with a half-surprised, half-angry voice. “It’s not that powerful as the real thing, but it still gives you addiction if you use it for a long time.”
Kento nodded slightly, but choose not to say a thing. Of course he knew it would get you addicted in case of long term use, he was one of those addicts, but he had no reason to share this piece of information with Jin. But because this was getting awkward, he felt the need to say something, just to fill the silence. “Since when Kazuya doesn’t take pills anymore?” Kento asked, feeling stupid and inutile as he had to ask a stranger about his son’s condition. Yet again he hadn’t been next to Kazuya for eighteen years of the boy’s life and for the last two years they haven’t spoken more than thrice a year.
“Since a long time.” Jin shortly replied, not wanting to give other one information. If the man was stupid enough to make his own son fall into the claws of drugs, then Jin wasn’t going to be merciful with him at all. “How long has he been having nightmares?” he then asked, wanting to get to the bottom of this.
Kento looked down and muttered. “He used to have them when he first came to live with me, but after a year, he stopped having them or at least that’s what he told me. Then he went to college and I didn’t have any choice than to believe his word.” Kento sighed and looked up at Jin. “I guess he lied all along.” He smiled a sad smile.
Of course he lied, who would have wanted to be taken care by someone like you? Jin wanted to say but refrained from doing so, knowing that it won’t do any good to neither of them. “Do you know what his mother used to do to him?” instead, he chose to continue his interrogatory.
Kento’s eyes darkened at the mention of Kazuya’s mother and the feeling of guilt deepened again. “I believe Kazuya hasn’t told you anything about her, right?” he asked with a hollow laugh. “And who would? Having such a mother as Kazuya had…”
“He didn’t tell me much but it’s not hard to fill in the blanks from his stories.” Jin explained as he finally took the bottle of water and sat down on the chair, next to Kazuya’s father. “But I want to know more, to learn exactly what happened so that I can help him. I can’t do much if he doesn’t face his past.” He continued, now with a slightly worried tone, fixing Kento with his eyes, plea obvious in them.
“Kazuya won’t face his past so don’t try to make him do so.” Kento replied, hardness in his eyes. “You think you can fill in the blanks, but you still won’t have the whole picture of the story, least the main breaking point in his child life.” He continued, thinking that if he’d tell this to Jin, maybe the older would believe that Kazuya was with him just because of his past. “And if you’re forcing him into turning back time and fight against his monsters…” Kento shook his head, his eyes sorrowful and full of guilt. “You’ll break him this way.”
“So what? Your method of drugging him was better?” Jin replied, now clearly annoyed. He hated to have someone nagging about him and even more when the person in question was even worse than him. “And if you know so much about what happened to him, why didn’t you go and rescue him earlier? Why did you let him become like this?!” he raised his tone a little, but trying to keep his calm because he didn’t want to wake up Kazuya with his shouts, not after he had managed to finally sleep again.
Kento winced at the accusations Jin brought and he clasped his hands as they began to tremble. “I didn’t drug him and who are you to say all of this to me?!” he looked at Jin and although his words seemed harsh, his voice was small and slightly shaking. “And if he hadn’t become like this, you would have never met him or be his lover.” Kento said a little more confident.
“So now you’re saying it’s a good thing you gave that shit to him?!” Jin hissed with a low voice, but seeming even more frightful and scary. “Then I should thank you that he’s an addict!” he continued on a mocking tone, leaving his chair and taking a few steps away from Kento. He had the feeling he will kill him any time soon if things continued like this.
“He’s not an addict!” Kento replied, shocked by such a statement. “He had that problem with the pills three years ago, but he was in rehab and now he’s fine!” he continued, firmly convinced that his Kazuya wasn’t taking drugs. “And I never said that giving out of mistake such pills to him had been a good thing.” Kento added on a regretful and paid tone. He had never intended to make Kazuya the way he had been back then, but… things happened.
Jin rolled his eyes. “Well, it just shows how much you know about him.” he simply said and then he quickly added, not wanting the man to insist on this topic. “Tell me what you know about his mother.”
Kento looked hurt at Jin’s words, but he had no right to contradict him. Of course he didn’t know much about Kazuya, after all, the boy had shut him out of his life the moment he had left for college. And Kento was no one to blame him. “What do you know about her?” he asked Jin, still not sure if he was supposed to talk about her without Kazuya’s consent. After all, his son himself hadn’t told Jin about his past, his whole past.
Jin narrowed his eyes at him, feeling like he would lose a game if he answered Kento’s question when he was the one who had asked first. He ignored the feeling of losing though and concentrated on the fact that this could actually help Kazuya. “That she beat him. She slept with him. She made him lose his mind.” He finally said, still keeping his threatening look concentrated on the man in front of him.
“You do know a bit…” Kento mumbled and seemed to think a little. “But there are slight differences.” He said and another pause followed. “She didn’t beat him, it was her clients who did so. You see, Kazuya’s mother was a prostitute. Well, a home-prostitute because she had favorite clients and not everyone could have her.” Kento gave a bitter laugh. “And… and Kazuya was there with her. She had always seen him as a girl, because he was cute and all, each of her clients goggling at him and saying that he would have been better if he was girl because he inherited her beauty and it was such a pity because he was a boy.” He said everything in a breath, afraid that if he stopped he couldn’t continue, he couldn’t say what Kazuya had said to him in a stormy night, crying and threatening to kill himself because of the pain inside of him. “She was beautiful, indeed, but mad, you see. Because soon enough she taught Kazuya how to seduce men, she made him a man but with the charms of a woman.” Here Kento stopped, closed his eyes and looked in front of him, not seeing Jin but his son crying and laughing, shouting and whimpering, scared and lost. “Like mother, like son. She made a whore out of her own son, her mirror.”
Jin bit his tongue to not say how much of a whore Kazuya was. Kento had no idea what Kazuya had been doing when he was away from him, but Jin wasn’t the right person to tell him either. Besides, he didn’t want to share something like this with a man who was so despicable in his eyes. “And why did you leave him with her if you knew that she’s a slut?” Jin asked, unable to hide the disgust from his voice.
“Because I was in jail.” Kento simply replied, looking straight at Jin this time, because he had faced his demons and he was not ashamed to talk about his period in prison.
“For twenty years?” Jin cocked an inquiring eyebrow at the man. “What did you do? Murder someone?” he asked, suspecting that the drugs had been the real reason for Kento’s imprisonment.
Kento laughed and nodded. “Yes. I murdered the man who was fucking my slut wife.” He replied with a lopsided smile. “Pretty funny, isn’t it? Of course, Kazuya doesn’t know anything about this, he believes I have abandoned them.” He added with a shrug, though there was a pained expression on his face.
“Oh, God.” Jin sighed as he slumped back on the chair with a tired expression. “How the hell had Kazuya managed to gather such characters around him?” he laughed a bitter laugh, also referring to himself.
“It is said that parents are something you’re born with, not something you choose.” Kento replied as if this explained Kazuya’s unfortunate fate. “So this is how it is. My beautiful, but slutty wife turned my only son into a damned toy for the men who came to visit her.” His eyes were full of hatred when he spoke this, because he couldn’t help but feel different when he had seen the result of his wife’s doing. “And I don’t even want to imagine the ways she had made Kazuya suffer, how those men abused of him…”
Jin had a few ideas, perfectly knowing how men like those like their slut to be, but chose to keep silent, figuring that it was for the best. Instead, he rose from his chair and turned his back on Kento. “I think it’s better if this conversation remains between us.” He said, not bothering to look at the man. He opened the door to the kitchen and stopped in its frame. “I’ll go back to Kazuya, I don’t want him to wake up alone.” He added with a sorrowful voice. He was also hurting Kazuya just by staying next to him. But… what could he do?
“Of course…” Kento replied, looking at Jin. “I didn’t even think otherwise…” he muttered to himself as he lowered his head and let it rest on the table.
“Good.” Was the last thing Jin said before finally exiting the room and going back to Kazuya. It was already morning, the sun will be up soon, but Jin felt he needed a little bit of rest before he would be able to face his lover. He had no idea how will Kazuya react when he’ll wake up, considering this was the first time he had had an attack with Jin near, but… he hoped it will be alright.
It had to be.