Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Twenty-first | part two

[fighter_of_moon]

PART ONE



Jin carefully opened his eyes and looked around him. There was a strange warmth enveloping him and he still didn’t want to look at the form sleeping peacefully next to him, afraid that his dream will change and that Kazuya will change into someone else. But he knew that this wasn’t the truth and that the person lying next to him and clinging into his arms wasn’t the one that he wanted, wasn’t the one that he desired with his whole being.

He tried to move, the whole time taking care not to even glance at Ueda and feeling awkward for doing this, letting his hands slip from the older one’s form and turning a little in bed as he wanted to get off. He didn’t succeed though because exactly then Ueda’s arms came back to him and pushed him back, the older one snuggling into his chest and smiling happily as he had found the warmth he seemed to have been missing. Jin looked a little dazed at him, for one second not knowing that had happened and then he started smiling and chuckling and he ended up laughing of the cute way Ueda was clinging to him.

The laugh was soft but it was loud enough to have the other one open his eyes and look sleepily at the singer, his brain not registering for a moment what was happening. “If you say anything about this, I’ll kill you.” He breathed as he closed his eyes again and parted from Jin’s warmth to stretch himself and completely wake up.

Ueda had found him drunk when he had come back to Jin’s apartment late in the night and Jin wasn’t that sure when they had ended up in bed, with the older one above him and whispering that he should just relax and forget about everything else that wasn’t him. And he did - for the first time, he actually managed not to think of Kazuya and enjoy doing something with someone else - though it was kind of hard not to enjoy sex. He could remember Ueda laughing at him when he revealed his fear of everything changing because of this and he knew that he had accepted the older one fully conscious of the consequences after he had heard Ueda say that it was impossible for things between them to change - they weren’t in love after all.

“Good morning.” Jin replied with an amused tone as his eyes scanned the other one’s naked form. He didn’t know what he had been so worried about. Waking up naked and in the same bed with your manager - who was also one of your best friends - should have been more awkward than this and Jin had wanted to spare them the strange encounter by sneaking off. But it seemed that it wasn’t necessary as Ueda had transformed everything into a joke and had made Jin feel better with just a few words.

It was good to see that Ueda was still the same person.

“Give me five minutes and maybe then it’ll be good.” The manager answered and Jin chuckled again, obviously more than pleased to discover such a cute part of the other one.

“I never knew that you can be so cute in the morning.” Jin pursed his lips and made a funny face at Ueda for which he was rewarded with a hard pinch, making him yelp helplessly.

“Another word and next time I’ll attack your collarbone.” Ueda threatened and Jin pouted, not happy at all that he wasn’t allowed to make fun of his manager when he had the perfect opportunity. It seemed a pity not to take advantage of it, but Jin knew better than to go against Ueda’s will so he settled down, letting his back fall on the bed and staring at the ceiling as he heard the other one sigh. “I’m usually cranky in the morning but I don’t need that much time to recover, not like you.” He mocked the singer and Ueda knew that Jin was rolling his eyes even if he couldn’t see his expression.

Silence fell between them for a few seconds as Ueda seemed to be trying to wake up and Jin seemed to want to say something but it was clear enough that he didn’t know how to start. The older one sighed again and turned a little to look at Jin, their eyes meeting as the singer let his manager see the worry and uncertainness that were lying in his dark orbs. “Spill it.” Ueda ordered and Jin didn’t need anything else to start talking.

“Are you okay? I mean…” he paused and bit his lips, trying to find the right words while Ueda arched an inquiring eyebrow, visibly starting to become amused by this situation. “I don’t have that much experience with men and it had been a little different with Kazuya, but…”

“Jin.” Ueda interrupted him and Jin reluctantly met his eyes for the second time that day. “I’m gay for a long time, I would have kicked your ass if you had hurt me.” He simply stated with a smile and this earned him another one from Jin, accompanied by a relieved sigh. “Why are you asking this though?” Ueda asked, finding it a little peculiar that Jin was saying such a thing. Sex between two men wasn’t that common, but Jin should have known by now a few things about this and shouldn’t look so worried when everything had been perfect last night.

Ueda watched the younger one as he bit his lips and stood up, his back now facing him. “I don’t know what to do.” He confessed and it was enough for Ueda to start worrying too. He also sat up and leaned closer to his friend, putting his hand on his shoulder in a comforting way, telling him to go further with this simple gesture. “I had sex with Kazuya a couple of days ago and he started bleeding. I didn’t know what to do and he didn’t want me to help, so I don’t even know if he had taken care of that, if he had seen a doctor or if he even needs to see one.” He babbled without stopping, knowing very well that if he stopped to breathe, he won’t have the courage to say anything else.

The older one looked at the other with a thoughtful expression. He hadn’t expected such a thing, he hadn’t known that something like this had happened when Jin had told him a day before that he had had sex with Kazuya again and that was why he was feeling so down. He found himself not knowing what to do or what to say, a part of him wanting to comfort Jin and tell him what it wasn’t that serious while another part wanted to dash out of bed and make sure that this won’t affect Jin’s career. “He needs to see a doctor.” Ueda finally spoke and Jin stiffened a little as he turned to look at the older one. “I don’t think it’s that bad, but he might have an infection and he needs to be examined. You didn’t use a condom, right?” he asked, thinking that Jin had said everything had happened in a rush so he couldn’t have prepared for having sex with Kazuya. His fear increased a bit when he saw the singer nodding. “Sex between men isn’t as easy as it is with a man and a woman and there are some things that you need to think about when you do this.” Ueda gently scolded the other one, looking at the way Jin’s head was falling more and more at his words. “For you, it may have been the same, but for the one receiving it all is totally different. It changes his life, it changes him. Every touch is different and he has to be submissive when usually he would be the one who took care of everything.” He tried to explain, realizing that Jin had never even tried to understand what was it like for the other person.

“I wonder if he regrets making love with me.” Jin whispered with a defeated tone and Ueda could only bring him into his arms and hug him tightly, a small smile settling on his sad lips.

Because even now, Jin was seeing that night as a moment they had made love, not just sex.

It made him wonder if Kazuya thought the same.

*

He had made this decision in a rush. While he still didn’t know what he was doing there, Jin knew that he had to make sure that Kazuya was fine and that he had seen a doctor and he was taking care of himself. He didn’t want to be the one guilty for getting the younger one sick or something like that, but more than that, he didn’t want Kazuya to be sick at all. Even if he had been hurt by him, Jin still loved him and he didn’t want anything to happen to the other one.

And maybe that was why he was now standing in front of Kazuya’s door, knocking nervously on it and not knowing what to expect from this new encounter. He knew that he might be giving new hopes to Kazuya by doing this, but he couldn’t help it. He had to know if he was okay and he didn’t know any other way to find out other than just asking him directly. Of course, it would have been the perfect way to just call him and get it over with without having to meet each other but the problem was that Jin didn’t have Kazuya’s new number.

Somehow, it made him sad because it made him realize that he knew so little things about the other.

But to be honest, the last thing that he expected to happen was nothing. He kept knocking on the door for about five minutes before giving up and accepting the fact that the younger one might not be home - or might not want to see him and was choosing to make it look like he wasn’t home. Either way, Jin had to make sure of it and he wanted to know.

It took him another ten minutes to pull the phone out of his pocket and another fifteen to finally dial the number that he had been staring at it for the last few days, wanting to call but not having the courage to and not knowing what to say either.

“Jin?” Ryo couldn’t mask the surprise as he answered the call. Like Jin, he had stared at it for a few seconds, convinced that he was seeing or imagining things. Why would Jin call him? But it was better to answer and find out - after all, miracles didn’t happen twice a day.

“Hi.” Jin replied with a shy voice and low tone, involuntarily trying to hide away from prying eyes that weren’t there.

“Hi back.” Ryo said, almost as shy as Jin, but maybe a little more anxious. There was silence and Ryo waited to see if the other wanted to say something, but since he wasn’t a patient man - “So… did something happen?” He asked sort of unsure, not letting out what he would have usually said - did you hit your head or something and that’s why you called? There was no way he could have this sort of conversation right now with Jin. Their relationship was too precarious.

Strangely enough, Jin answered like Ryo had asked exactly what he wanted to. “I haven’t hit my head if that’s what you want to know.” He pouted as he leaned with his back on Kazuya’s door and then he sighed, mentally preparing for what he was about to say. “I just need your help with something.” The singer confessed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. It had been too long since he had talked with Ryo, as their relationship hadn’t really been the same since Kazuya had left with him and had worsened even more when Jin had come back and had met them again.

Ryo’s stomach knotted hearing Jin’s reply, making him think about how did he let everything get to this. He should have been wiser three years ago, but… There was no use making up excuses now, what was done was done - he couldn’t change the past no matter what. “I’m glad your head’s okay. It means there’s still hope for you.” He teased a little, unable to restrain himself when it came to Jin. The older one had always made him turn into a bully since, well, Jin was a natural idiot. “And what can I do for you?” Ryo’s voice turned serious, somehow, not being able to stop the hope from sprouting once more in his soul.

Jin bit his lips and took a big breath before talking. “Kazuya told me that you broke up, but I need you to call him.” He said the words fast, like it would be less painful if he were to be quicker. “I think I might have hurt him and he needs to see a doctor, but he’s stupid and stubborn and he won’t listen to me, but I have to know that he’s okay. I’m at his apartment but he doesn’t answer and I don’t have his number and…”

“Wow, hold your horses, Jin.” Ryo cut in, stopping the other’s ranting. “Kazuya is hurt and you’re at his apartment, but he doesn’t answer?” He asked and he could imagine Jin nodding his head frantically. “I’m coming over -” He stopped, took a breath and added “- I have a key of the apartment. If he’s hurt, then he wouldn’t be able to answer the phone, right?” Ryo reasoned more to himself than to Jin. “So… stay there and keep knocking. I’ll be as fast as I can.” He didn’t dare to ask how Jin had hurt Kazuya - he trusted Jin enough to not have hit Kazuya or something.

“Please hurry.” Jin said before hanging up, sounding like a child that was now desperately wanting his mommy and that person seemed to be Ryo for the time being.

Jin didn’t need to say that to Ryo as he hopped into his car and quickly took off. He had been surprised - if not, shocked - to see Jin calling him, but he had never expected to be because Kazuya might be hurt and that Jin might be the cause of it. Oh God, he was meddling once more with their affairs and he wasn’t sure where this might lead again. But he couldn’t help it. Even if he had broken up with Kazuya, he still had feelings for him and naturally, he’d worry about him. And there was Jin too, one of his best friends, one he had betrayed and was now asking for his help. No matter how much he would have liked to stay away, he simply couldn’t.

Ryo had broken up with Kazuya so that the two of them could be together, so that they could finally patch things up and finally let the feelings that have been residing within them surface. He really wished for their happiness even if it made him sad. And the thought of Jin hurting Kazuya kept haunting him as he drove to his ex-lover’s apartment. What could have possibly happened between them to get to physical pain?! Because Jin said that Kazuya was physically suffering, after all he wouldn’t need a doctor otherwise, would he? Damn! Ryo honked a car, feeling the desperation growing inside of him second by second.

And when he had finally gotten to Kazuya’s apartment, he had thought of various scenarios, so he sort of dreaded the moment when he’ll open the apartment. He found Jin standing on the floor and leaning against the door, his head hiding between his legs and at his hurried steps. he looked up at Ryo. The director was breathing hard, evidence that he had climbed the stairs instead of taking the lift.

“No answer?” He asked Jin as he took out the key.

Jin shook his head as he stood up and let Ryo open the door. They both entered and checked the place only to find it empty, but there were signs that showed that Kazuya hadn’t been away for long. It was weird to be there when the younger one wasn’t, Jin realized with a sad smile. He had been in this apartment some time ago, but Kazuya had rejected him then and Jin was still trying to convince the younger one that he still loved him. Now, their roles had changed between them.

Life really was a bitch.

“Now it just feels awkward that we’ve barged into his place.” Jin snorted, feeling kind of stupid that he had done this. But no one could really blame him, as he was really worried and he had wanted to make sure that the younger one was okay and that he didn’t have any infection like Ueda said he could. He took a deep breath and his eyes fell on a certain turtle toy that Jin knew very well - it had been a present from him. With trembling steps, he further entered the bedroom and took the red toy into his hands, feeling how his heart was starting to beat madly into his heart.

Had Kazuya kept it for all this time?

Ryo glanced at Jin and sighed, choosing not to follow him and to leave him alone for the moment. “Well, at least we didn’t break the door.” He shrugged and went to sit down on the couch Kazuya had fallen in love with the first time they went shopping. If Jin was having trouble with being in this apartment, well Ryo wasn’t far behind. “And since we’re here, we might as well wait for him.” He patted a spot next to him as he saw the other one exiting the bedroom with a puzzled and unsure expression plastered on his face, knowing that Jin was as worried - or maybe even more - as he was. “I tried to call him on the way, but he didn’t answer. And you need to know he’s okay, no?” Ryo asked, looking at Jin carefully. Of course he’d want to know, after all, Kazuya was the only one Jin was in love with, right?

“Yeah…” Jin replied, trying to smile but looking uncomfortably while doing so. He took Ryo’s advice and sat down on the couch, still looking a little bit aware of his surroundings and of his company. He had no idea how much time had passed since they had last been like this, but Jin knew that everything was different now. It hadn’t changed that much when Jin had found out about his relationship with Kazuya and he didn’t blame Ryo for this - he couldn’t do it. But after Kazuya had managed to really hurt Jin, some kind of self defense mechanism had been triggered which made him now be careful with Ryo like he was fearing of a heartbreak from him too.

A heavy silence fell on the two of them as neither one knew what to say.

But Ryo wasn’t one to love silence, so he had to say something. Even if it was something stupid. “So… how are things with Kazuya?” He asked, somehow letting the curiosity get the best of him. After all, he really wanted to know how Kazuya got hurt and why Jin seemed so awkward right now and it wasn’t just because of his presence. Ryo had noticed him stiffening the moment he had entered this apartment - it was like he didn’t want to be in here, but he had to.

Jin laughed a bitter laugh. “Well, I’m worried if he needs a doctor, so you can imagine by yourself how well it’s going.” He said and leaned his back on the couch, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. He had missed Ryo, he had really missed his best friend because he was the only one to tell him the truth no matter how hard it was. Ryo could be considered as cruel, but Jin had always admired the way he was frank with everyone even if most of the time he just seemed like really rude. “I really don’t know what to do anymore…” he confessed with a deep sigh, keeping his eyes closed as he didn’t want to see that room anymore.

“What do you mean by this?” Ryo asked confused and his tone was just a tad sharper. He had a bad feeling about this and he didn’t want to track the reason behind it. “I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt him. You love him, right?” He asked and waited for Jin to answer, though he really didn’t need one because it was clear as crystal water. So he continued - “He loves you, he will get over the fact you hurt him. So… what don’t you know?” Ryo asked sort of frustrated, looking at Jin with a frown.

“It’s not that easy!” Jin snapped, opening his eyes and looking with an angry expression at Ryo. “It’s not him that needs to get over the fact that I hurt him.” He then added, his voice calmer though it still seemed on the edge. He shook his head and buried his fingers into his hair, letting his elbows rest on his knees and leaning down to look at the floor. “Everything is just so complicated right now that I don’t know what to do.” He sighed desperately, sounding like he had the problems of the entire world on his shoulders.

“What the fuck is complicated?!” Ryo said through gritted teeth as he himself started to feel angry. He hadn’t broken up with Kazuya just for Jin to be confused! “You can’t forgive Kazuya for leaving you three years ago? Sorry to say it to you, but you were more than desperate to get him back when you found him.” Ryo continued, his voice slightly ironic. “Or you can’t forgive him for being with me?” He asked and you could sense the guilt in his voice. “Jin, you’re better than this.”

“It’s not that.” Jin replied with a small voice, not having energy even to defend himself. He bit his lips, trying to decide if it was wise to say such a thing because while Ryo was his best friend, he had also been Kazuya’s lover and a person that still loved him dearly. Besides, Yamapi and Ueda were the only ones he had told this and Jin wasn’t feeling that ready to face that night for the third time. “After you broke up with him, Kazuya came to me.” He finally started, his voice decreasing in volume as he continued to talk. “He kissed me, said that he had missed me, that he wanted me.” Jin said and his voice trembled a little as the events from that night came back to him. “We made love and then… he started to say things. That he hadn’t been serious, that he had slept with me just to shut me up. He said that it had worked the first time and that it managed to give him three years without me, so he thought that it’d work again.” He explained and lifted his head to look at Ryo, letting his friends see his teary eyes. Ryo was one of the few ones who could understand why those words had hurt Jin so much, why he had lost faith in Kazuya after hearing him say such things. Until then, he had just rejected Jin and said that he didn’t want to be with him anymore. But in that night, he had treated Jin like a scum, like he wasn’t worth anything, like… “I told him to leave.”

Ryo was shocked beyond words. He didn’t expect Kazuya to do such a stupid thing that would bring him and Jin to such a point. “He lied, Jin.” He said all of a sudden, gripping the other one’s shoulder as he looked at him intensely. “He lied about not being serious about you. He is a complete idiot but I know he loves you.” He continued and there was a slight panic in his voice. “And if there is someone who knows this best, then it’s me.” He added, guilt once more in his words. “Kazuya had been and still is in love with you.”

“He lied?” Jin laughed bitterly. “I don’t even know when he lied. When he said that he loves me the first time, when he kept rejecting me all these weeks and saying that he never loved me or now when he insists that he loves me still?” he said and his sad eyes showed how much this pained him, how much it hurt not to know what to believe and what not. “I don’t know, Ryo, and I don’t even want to know anymore.” He said with a broken voice and let his head fall down a little. Maybe he was cruel because he was rejecting Kazuya when Ryo didn’t want anything more than to be with him. But he just couldn’t trust him anymore.

“Well, I’m sorry you don’t want to know, but I’m still going to tell you.” Ryo got up, seeming angrier than Jin should be. And he had every goddammit reason to be! He didn’t give up someone he loved just so they go around and mess everything up! “You should know very well when he lied and the fact that you’re hurt and upset right now shouldn’t cloud your true feelings. If you believe he lied when he said he loved you, then why would he cry for you in the middle of night, shouting your name when he was having a nightmare?” Ryo continued, recalling every fucking moment when Kazuya was down after Yuuya’s death and how he had called for Jin. Back then, it had been a tough time because Ryo had been on the point of calling Jin to tell him about Kazuya, but on several occasions he had been stopped and the phone remained silent. “Why would he secretly buy tickets to go to your concerts when I had some filming overseas? Why would Kazuya do such things if not because he couldn’t really keep himself away from you? Because he was still in love with you?” He asked, pacing from one side to another, his eyes settling on Jin as he decided to stop in front of his friend. “Even if I was with him, he never truly accepted me. He never said I love you and he always stopped me when I wanted more. Kazuya might have hurt you on purpose, but he did it only because he was hurt too. Unlike you, he just didn’t have anyone with whom to discuss all of this.” Ryo said with a sad tone, thinking that Kazuya never considered him to be an option when it came to his problems with Jin. After all, he hadn’t trusted Ryo this far.

Jin looked up at Ryo with puppy eyes, looking like someone had kicked him and he was nearly dying. He didn’t know anymore what to think, he didn’t know what to do. There were so many lies between them and Jin had failed to grasp the thin paper that separated them., leaving him to struggle helplessly in the unknown. He knew that Ryo would never lie to him but this meant that everything he had said was true, it meant that Kazuya had really yearned for him and he had wanted him close. Jin could still remember that night when he had kidnapped the younger one and had made the huge mistake to ask about his little brother, Kazuya’s tears and agony were still engraved in his heart and soul and Jin knew that he would never forget his own pain that he had felt at that point for not being able to be there for the boy and to help him.

But it hadn’t been his fault. Ryo couldn’t blame him for not being there.

“He left for three years without saying a word.” Jin finally said something, averting his eyes from his friend and looking at a spot behind him. “And I waited for him because I believe he loved me and that there might be an explanation for his sudden disappearance.” He continued and looked up at Ryo for the second time, not realizing that his eyes had gotten a bit teary but hearing how broken his voice sounded. “Three damn years, Ryo, in which I trusted him with all my heart and he hadn’t found a second to do the same for me!” he ended up raising his tone, knowing that this was what had hurt him the most. Kazuya had run away at the first sign of problems for them, had preferred to hide and not talk things through. He had come back hating Jin and decided to hurt him even more, he hadn’t even wanted to listen to him to know that everything was a mistake!

Kazuya had never trusted Jin and this had made Jin lose his own trust.

Ryo closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. “I know. I know that he had been reckless, stupid and a coward for not facing you back then.” He said, thinking that he had been a coward too for not wanting to confirm if Jin had really said all that, to confirm that his friend had really turned or not into someone this cruel. “I know he has no excuse for what he did back then, but -” He leaned as he grasped Jin’s shoulder, now their faces at the same level. “- you can’t deny his love. He lied to you, that’s true. But, goddamn, I’m sure he didn’t lie about his love for you.” Ryo lowered his head and chuckled sadly. “You should know him better, Jin. After all, he had never said to me I love you like he had said to you, even after being there for him.” He said with a pained voice, despising this pathetic self.

Ryo moved away from Jin, feeling frustrated and passing a hand through his dark hair, ravishing it a little. “Fuck.” He muttered as he looked up at the ceiling.

But before anything else could be said, the entrance door was heard opening and both men looked towards the dark hallway that led to it. And suddenly, the voice of the one that had brought them into such a situation said with a slight fear in it - “Who is there?”

Ryo rolled his eyes as he went to the hallway, stopping at its arcade. “Are you stupid?” He said with an annoyed voice, clicking his tongue. “If it were a thief, would you ask for his ID too?” He continued and he could hear a relieved sigh coming from the other side of the hallway.

“Ryo.” Kazuya said with a half happy, half insecure voice as he came up to the director, feeling his heart beating a tad faster. Just how long had it been since he hadn’t seen Ryo? Most definitely it had been a while and suddenly he was feeling sort of guilty - since he had set his attention on winning Jin back, he hadn’t thought of Ryo even in the least. “What are you doi -” He asked as he stopped in front of him, but right then Ryo decided to step aside, this way making Kazuya see Jin on his couch. The question he had for Ryo simply melted in a soft and quivering call of the name of the man he was madly in love with. “- Jin.” His heart set on a wild race.

“Um, hi.” The oldest of the three of them said as he stood up and looked a little bit guilty at Kazuya, swinging uncomfortably on his legs as his eyes settled on the younger one. “Sorry for barging in.” he then added, not knowing what to say or what to do in such a situation. After all, you don’t come home everyday to find two of your ex-lovers sitting on your couch and talking about you.

This was way more than awkward.

Kazuya kept looking at Jin as if he was a phantasm he had longed to see for far too long. He blinked slowly, confused and maybe happy. Why was Jin here? And why was Ryo with him too? Somehow, the short happiness he had felt upon seeing the two of them faded and seemed to be a punishment for his mistakes over the years. “Hi.” He said with a small voice, biting his lower lip. He then looked at Ryo and saw that the other one had been attentively watching him. Kazuya gulped as guilt swept over him.

Then he went on automatic. “Oh, I’m sorry. I should serve you with something!” He said hurriedly and proceeded to go to the kitchen, limping his way as he had just come from seeing the doctor. Quickly, he tried to hide this fact, though it was too late.

“Kazuya.” Ryo stopped him and the younger one stiffened. “Why are you limping?” He asked the question Kazuya had feared to hear. He looked at Ryo with a silly expression.

“Fell down the stairs.” Kazuya grinned stupidly and entered in the kitchen where he stopped heaving a sigh. Really, couldn’t they have come just a few days later?! And not in the day when he had had a medical examination for what had happened in the church that day? God, if he wasn’t the luckiest man on planet.

He startled when he heard the door close behind him and when he turned to see who had followed him, Kazuya was surprised to be faced with an angry Jin. “Bullshit.” The older one cursed, feeling like he wanted to wipe that fake smile off of Kazuya’s face with a fist. “You fell down the stairs, my ass.” He continued, taking a few steps into Kazuya’s direction and stopping only at a few inches away as he tried to study the younger one’s face to see any other sign of pain than the obvious limp.

Kazuya stiffened as he tried not to back away from Jin’s anger. “I might have.” He looked at Jin with a guilty expression as it was clear he was bluffing. But really, what could he have said with Ryo there?! That he had seduced Jin and it had ended up literally with a pain in the ass? “And I told you not to worry about this.” Kazuya then admitted with an undertone as he drew back, wanting to go to put some cookies on a plate. Really, he couldn’t discuss such matters with Jin there and especially when he was angry and didn’t want to have anything with him. Jin shouldn’t raise his hopes anymore, Kazuya already had trouble with keeping them under control.

But the older one didn’t seem to care about this as he grabbed one of Kazuya’s arms and turned him around, bringing him into his body a little forcibly but trying not to be too brutal and to make Kazuya’s pain worse. Even so, his hands clutched the boy’s arms with all of his strength as their eyes met and the younger one could see that there wasn’t actually anger in his eyes, but worry and concern. “Did you go to the doctor?” Jin asked, biting his lower lip as he seemed to dread the answer a little. “Does it still hurt even now?” he then added, thinking that the limp must be from that time even if Kazuya’s hadn’t seemed to have a problem the day after that - maybe he had been pretending not to be in pain.

Kazuya looked at Jin with big and round eyes, not sure if he wanted this kind of attention from Jin. While it made his heart race faster as Jin showed concern and care for him, it still wasn’t enough to make him accept Kazuya again. “I went today.” The younger actor mumbled, lowering his eyes, glancing at Jin’s hands and the way they curled around his arms. “I told you not to worry, it’s okay.” He added and there was a sad smile on his lips as he looked back at Jin. He just couldn’t say that he was okay, because he will never be okay since Jin kept his heart closed to him.

Jin heaved a sigh of relief as soon as the words escaped the younger one’s lips. “And what did he say? You’re not sick, aren’t you? There’s no infection? Are you sure you’re okay?” the actor bombarded the other one with questions, not giving him time to answer before he asked another one. He had been a little less worried when he had heard that Kazuya went to the doctor, but now the concern was back when Jin thought about what the doctor might have told Kazuya. “Tell me the truth, Kazuya.” Jin demanded, knowing perfectly well that the younger one would keep the truth for himself if something had really happened and tightening a little his grip on the boy’s arms to show that he wasn’t leaving without a clear and honest answer.

Kazuya fought back the urge to smile upon seeing Jin’s worry, feeling happy that the other one still cared enough for him, that he wasn’t that easily replaced just like Ueda had said the earlier day. “Everything’s fine.” He assured Jin, nodding his head twice. “The limp is because I did the treatment today, but it will pass.” He continued, feeling the need to say this because he was sure that Jin’s concern had been triggered by his limp. “I told you not to worry, right?” Kazuya lifted one numb hand to briefly touch Jin’s face. “I will accept everything if it’s you.” He whispered softly, looking into Jin’s dark eyes, hoping to ease the guilt and worry in them.

“Thank God.” Jin let another sigh of relief escape his lips, this time letting himself fall into the sense of safety that Kazuya had just rewarded him with. His body was suddenly feeling very tired and the older one let his head fall on the boy’s shoulder, closing his eyes and inhaling the younger one’s addictive scent. “Don’t say such things.” He then scolded the other one, feeling the need that he had to clarify this one thing. “I couldn’t stand the thought if you were hurt and even more if I was the one to do it.” Jin confessed, his hands lessening their grip on Kazuya’s arms but keeping them there to hold the boy close to him as he needed to feel his presence to be sure that this was true and that Kazuya hadn’t lied to him and he won’t soon disappear from his embrace.

Surprised by this sudden act, though very pleased, Kazuya closed any distance possible between them, holding Jin back. “Everything’s fine.” He reassured Jin, his hands encircling his waist, happy to feel Jin like this, almost like they still had a chance. And maybe they did, Kazuya just had to insist more. “Thanks for caring…” He added with a mumble, nuzzling his face into the crook of Jin’s neck, deeply inhaling his scent. Only if Jin would forgive him…

“Of course I care!” Jin snapped a little, his arms sneaking around Kazuya’s waist and holding him like he’d lose him if he let go. His body trembled a little at the sudden closeness between them, a closeness that Jin had yearned for but he had also been afraid of for so long. He was letting all of his defenses down yet again, but he couldn’t stop it as the feeling of dread had completely disappeared from his heart only to be replaced with relief. “You’re the stupid one for thinking that I don’t care about you when you should know perfectly well how much I love you.” Jin added, his voice lower and a little scared now, as he was once again confessing his love for Kazuya even if he knew that there was no future for them.

The younger one felt his heart beat faster against his ribs, the feeling of happiness engulfing him whole and suddenly not letting him breathe. “I am stupid, I know.” He said, snuggling closer in the embrace, almost as if he wanted to be fused with Jin. “And… I know you love me.” Kazuya murmured as he moved his head a little, looking at Jin who still had his face hidden on his shoulder. “But I’m afraid that one day… you’ll find someone to love more.” His voice quivered as he said those words and his hold tightened around Jin, wanting to show the other that he didn’t want such a thing to happen. He hid his face again, both scared and anxious about Jin’s reply. Will he back away? Will he leave Kazuya again as he will recall everything that the younger did and what he couldn’t forget and forgive? The happiness he felt upon hearing Jin’s words was now slowly fading away, being replaced by the grim dread.

As expected, Jin’s body stiffened a little at the sudden recollection of what had happened between them and he pulled back, but not enough though as he had remained in Kazuya’s embrace and his hands had stayed on the boy’s waist to hold him close. He smiled a small and gentle smile, letting one of his hands go up and cup softly Kazuya’s cheek, bringing his head closer to catch his lips into a sweet but short kiss, telling him wordlessly what he couldn’t say out loud. It didn’t last long - Jin didn’t allow it to - and they parted with a chuckle from the older one, laughing at the ridiculous situation. “I’d better go.” Were the only words he said and Jin let his hands fall from Kazuya’s body, backing away and preparing to leave.

“No!” The word slipped from Kazuya’s lips and his hands gripped tightly around Jin. He couldn’t let him leave, not now when he had done such a thing, he had kissed him even though it had been briefly. “Stay a little longer.” Kazuya pleaded, hoping that his words won’t have the reverse effect of what he wanted. Lately, they seemed to go in the wrong direction. “I -” He looked at Jin with unsure eyes and there was a slight fear in them. “I need you.” He mumbled the words, probably being the first time he was saying such things not because he wanted Jin to forgive him, but because he really felt like this in this moment. Actually, he was feeling the need of having Jin next to him in every moment, but right now - there was something different. And he wanted Jin to know.

Jin’s heart took a big thump as he looked back at the younger one, feeling a little intimidated by all the feelings that he could read there. He knew that, he would have been a fool not to know in that moment how much Kazuya needed him. Ryo had also told him this and Jin trusted his friend more than anything despite everything that had happened between them, he still remembered that night when Kazuya had clung to him when he had remembered Yuuya and how much he had needed Jin in that moment too. Jin couldn’t help but feel guilty for making the younger one go through all that, but he knew that it wasn’t his fault. Kazuya had been the one to leave.

Kazuya was at fault for everything.

“I know.” Jin said with a low and understanding voice, lifting once more his hand to gently cup the boy’s cheek and letting his fingers softly brush along his skin. “But I can’t.” he then added with a desolated voice, not wanting to hurt Kazuya any more than this. He should have known from the beginning that Kazuya wasn’t lying to him, that he still loved him, but now that he was seeing the truth so clearly in the boy’s eyes, it didn’t change anything. The day from three years ago was still there and it would remain for an eternity between them.

Because Jin couldn’t trust someone like Kazuya. He couldn’t let himself to be together with Kazuya, to love him like he had done all this time without caring for anything, only to be faced with the same thing again when Kazuya would start to feel anxious again. Jin was going to be in America for a long time and he didn’t want to come back to Japan and to find the other one gone because of a stupid thing like seeing a picture of Jin with a woman in a compromising position.

He was sick of all that.

So he tried once more to leave Kazuya’s safe embrace.

But the young actor was determined not to let Jin leave, not yet. So he pulled him back and before letting Jin draw away again from him, he lifted himself a little to meet Jin’s lips, gently claiming them. In Kazuya’s kiss there were unspoken words, but said so countless times, words like - I want you, I need you, I love you. This simple but fervent touch of their lips made Kazuya shiver, melt in such a sweet act. He needed Jin as much as he needed air, but until now he hadn’t allowed himself to feel this way because he had been afraid to face his past mistakes. “Please.” Kazuya whispered against Jin’s lips, not knowing exactly he was begging for - forgiveness, acceptance or simply to stay. He kissed Jin again, passing his tongue over the older one’s lips, asking for permission, asking for a more intimate closeness.

But Jin didn’t grant it.

“Kazuya, no.” he said and pushed the younger one away from him, sounding more confused than ever and even more desperate than Kazuya. His eyes couldn’t bear to look at the other one, feeling that he might slip if he let them meet even if it was a small glance - Jin knew that it would crumble all of his determination to leave that place and leave Kazuya’s arms. But he couldn’t do this because if he accepted the younger one then and there, it would only lead to more despair. Because this won’t mean that he had forgiven Kazuya. It won’t mean that he was willing to go back to him and it will only make the both of them suffer even more.

So they had to stop.

“I can’t do this. Not now.” Jin added and took a step backwards, looking depressed and like he was regretting his action, but having no intention to say that he had been wrong.

Kazuya looked crestfallen at Jin, his heart crumbled under the words the other had said. But there was still hope, he imposed himself to believe, there was still one little ray of hope that Jin might one day return to him. Not now seemed to Kazuya like a promise, a feeble one, but nevertheless a promise. And while he might have broken all of his promises made to Jin, the latter had kept them. And he was clinging on this tiny promise like one would cling to a string of life.

“Jin -” He wanted to say, but then his eyes narrowed at something he spotted on Jin’s neck, something he hadn’t noticed until then. “Stay where you are.” He demanded with a rough voice as he got closer to Jin, his eyes never leaving that beautiful butterfly mark Jin had on his neck. One that hadn’t been done by him. Jin’s eyes widened a little at the sudden request and, instinctually, he took one step backwards, carefully studying the younger one’s every moment. Kazuya stopped and a grimace appeared in the corners of his lips. “Who did it to you?” He asked and his voice was vicious, angry quite, though it was his eyes that spoke of the jealousy and pain he was actually feeling.

“Did what?” Jin asked obliviously, not understanding what was the younger one referring to.

Kazuya’s heart stilled for a moment, wondering if things were going to be like this from now on - having to share Jin with someone that the actor didn’t even know or remembered. He let out a low chuckle, his expression sort of pained and distrustful. “You’re marked.” He said to Jin in a hollow voice. “Someone marked you as his.” Kazuya added and tore his eyes from the hickey to look into Jin’s eyes.

For a moment, Jin still looked like he didn’t understand what was Kazuya talking about, but then the night he had spent with Ueda came back to his mind and he realized that the younger one must be referring to a hickey made by his manager when they had had sex. “Oh.” His mouth formed an O and it stayed like that for a few seconds, Jin trying to think of what to say next. His skin was slightly hurting and had been for a few hours now, but he had ignored it, thinking that he must have hurt himself somewhere - he hadn’t expected there to be a mark on his skin, Jin thought as he unconsciously brought his hand to the aching place and covered it. “Yeah, well…” he tried to say something but found himself to have no recollection of how to speak. And what could he say now? Sorry? He couldn’t because he wasn’t sorry at all. Ueda had been great and he had helped him realize some important things in his life. And even more, he wasn’t Kazuya’s lover anymore, he didn’t have why to give the younger one explanations of what he had done with other people in bed or out of it.

“I really should go.” Jin decided to say, seeing that there really was no point into prolonging this more than necessary.

And with all the pain and restraint Kazuya felt, he couldn’t stop himself from going and hitting Jin as hard as he could. He looked angry, disappointed, but most of all he looked hurt. “Is it a man or a woman?” He asked with a strangled voice, almost insanely hoping to be a woman. He wanted to be the only man in Jin’s life, no matter how ironic this sounded. After all, Jin had been the only man to have him. He hadn’t let anyone else to touch him more, not even Ryo with whom he had had a relationship. That was why he wanted Jin to be the same, as selfishly as it sounded.

“It’s not your business.” Jin snapped, looking with cold eyes at Kazuya. “And you don’t have the right to ask me that either, not to mention to hit me for sleeping with another guy.” He added, very aware of the fact that he had just answered to Kazuya’s question. He felt his blood boiling and he was getting angrier with every second that passed. He had had to live with the thought that Kazuya had slept with his best friend for so long and now the younger one was daring to make such a scene because Jin had slept with someone else?!

Bullshit.

Kazuya’s face paled upon hearing Jin’s words. So, indeed there had been another man except him. And he had thought that they had been special for each other, not letting another one fill the place one of them left empty. “I’ll hit you.” He growled and this time, slapped Jin over the face but before he could back away, Jin grabbed him by the arms.

“Stop it.” The older one ordered with a hiss, his eyes narrowing as he looked at Kazuya with an enraged expression.

But Kazuya didn’t stop or at least, his words didn’t stop. “I’ll hit you, because it hurts.” He said, his eyes suddenly watery at what Jin was doing to him. “It would have been better if it had been a woman. This way, I could’ve said that despite all that happened, you were still the only one who touched me the deepest and I was still the only one with whom you’ve shared all this.” Kazuya said with a disappointed and hurt voice, feeling once more that because of his mistake, everything was crumbling down. “Maybe I don’t have the right, but at least I didn’t jump into someone else’s arms because you were not there and I couldn’t forgive you.” He added with a sad and ironic smile. Once more, he was asking himself why wasn’t he letting go already since Jin did everything he could to get him out of his life? This damn love.

Jin laughed at the irony of Kazuya’s words and his grip tightened yet again. “And the fact that you left with Ryo is called what? A consolation prize?” he snorted, obviously not liking at all this fact even if time had passed and they weren’t together anymore. It didn’t matter, because Ryo had touched Kazuya too, he had kissed him and he had done it in front of Jin too. The younger one didn’t have the right to say anything to him. “Even if you haven’t slept together, you left me to go with him. I woke up and wanted to have the best day of my day and you ruined it.” Jin accused him, all the memories from that morning coming back to him, more vivid than ever. “And while I was desperately searching for you, you were doing what? Jumping into my best friend’s arms and crying to him how bad I was with you?” he said and towards the end, his words had turned into mocking ones, his voice changing along them.

Because Kazuya was special indeed and he’ll remain this way for Jin for the rest of his life. But he was also a fool for not seeing that sex wasn’t what had made him important.

“And what did you do?” Kazuya retorted, not being able to control himself this time. “While searching for me, just how many did you fuck?!” He asked, trying to free himself and hit Jin again. “Ryo helped me because I asked him, that’s true, but we have been together only a few months. When you came back, it didn’t last long and everything between him and me ended.” The younger one continued, wanting to say that even if he had made Ryo betray Jin for his sake, they had been more friends than lovers. What they had tried for a few months had turned to dust, feelings already buried. “And I didn’t leave to go with him, I left because I made a mistake. I never wanted to use Ryo to forget about you, like you apparently do.” Kazuya accused, the brown color of his eyes slightly getting blurred. “But I hope whoever you fucked was better than I was.” The younger one didn’t know why he chose to say such a thing, though in a way, he sort of wanted to let Jin know that when it came to gay sex, Kazuya was still the inexperienced one, unlike Jin now. In a way, Jin had left him behind just like Kazuya did three years ago. They were supposed to discover everything together, no?

Jin made a face which clearly said how much he agreed with what Kazuya had said. The younger one didn’t have the right to say anything about this, not when he had been the first one to abandon their relationship. He couldn’t accuse Jin for sleeping with someone else because Kazuya had ended everything between them and had let him do whatever he wanted to. Even when they had met again after three years, he still hadn’t made a move to stop Jin from going to someone else. And now that Jin had finally given up, he didn’t want him to be with anybody else?

That was too selfish, even for him.

“I slept with Ueda only once and he’s the only one I’ve been with after you disappeared from my life.” The older one finally said, his voice calm and cold and his grip on the boy’s arms loosening a little as he felt like losing his will to continue this fight. It will lead them nowhere anyway. “I’ve searched for you and I’ve waited for you only to find you in my best friend’s arms, but even then I didn’t give up and I thought that we still had a chance. But…” he paused and averted his gaze from Kazuya, biting his lips and continuing the explanation that the younger one didn’t even deserve as his eyes settled back on the boy. “But I don’t want to do this anymore.” He confessed and let Kazuya go, backing away from him and holding his gaze on the other one. “It’s true that I used him to forget about you and he had accepted it, knowing what it meant for me.” Jin added, even if he knew that everything had already ended between him and Ueda as they were better as friends. “And if it doesn’t work with him, I’m going to find someone else.” He stated, his voice low but determined as he wanted to show Kazuya that this really was over between them.

That he didn’t want to feel that pain whenever he looked at the younger one.

Kazuya held Jin’s determined but pained eyes for a while before he let his head fall down, his hair hiding his face.  He didn’t know what hurt more - that Ueda had proved him right about Jin or that Jin was trying with any cost to remove him out of his life. “Is that so?” His voice came out strangled and filled with bitterness. “Then I’ll destroy everything you are.” He lifted his eyes to meet Jin’s again, anger and pain flashing in the sea of brown. “Everything that you’re doing right now, everyone you’re trying to have in order to forget me, I’ll make them all disappear.” The young actor continued and there was a mad edge to his voice. “Because you made me love you, because of you I am the person I am right now. If my love isn’t enough anymore, I’ll do anything I can for you to never forget or escape my memory.” Kazuya’s eyes were burning with determination and his words were dripping with pained love. “I told you before -” tears bristled in his eyes. “- if you hurt me, I’ll do anything to hurt you back twice, thrice as much. Even if I am the one in wrong this time.”

Jin gave a short laugh as he shook his head, disbelief written on his expression at the younger one’s words. “Fine way of loving someone.” He pointed out, a hollow laugh following his words as he turned his back on Kazuya, not feeling ready to see yet again his tears when he knew that he was the cause for them. “With a love like yours, I don’t even need hate.” He said, his tone obviously disappointed at the younger one’s way of showing how unwilling he was to give up at Jin. He had also been in that situation where he didn’t want to lose someone, but… he would have never hurt Kazuya like this. If the other one had said that Jin was hurting him just with his presence - like he was feeling in that moment - he would have left Kazuya alone.

But this was just cruel and unworthy of being called love.

“So you’re saying that it would have been better, you would have been happier if I had never tried to win you back?” Kazuya said, not daring to stop Jin, but still not wanting him to leave. He was still feeling angry about what was happening between them and what Jin was trying to do and while he might not regret the words he had said earlier, he realized that they were wrong. But he couldn’t stop himself from thinking like this. Because he was really going to do anything to get Jin back, even if it meant to destroy everything. After all, a life without Jin was like living on automatic pilot every day - that was how the three years had been and that was how everything will be if he will lose Jin. And how things were looking, he was prone to lose him in the end.

The older stopped at the door, remaining with his back turned to Kazuya for a moment before finally having the courage to turn and face the other one. He saw the younger one biting his lips with a defying expression, the tears still present in his eyes as they hadn’t been shed. He looked as if he was provoking Jin to say yes to his question and it made the actor think a little more about his answer. But it didn’t matter because in the end, he’ll still say the same thing no matter how much he thought of it. “I don’t know.” He confessed, his eyes boring into Kazuya’s as he didn’t want the younger one to make any wrong impression of it. “I don’t regret meeting you and I don’t regret loving you. Even if it hurts so much right now, I know that some day I’ll look at this part of my life and I’ll consider it a happy time.” He said, a small smile grazing his lips as he imagined himself old and thinking back at his youth - he had wanted to do this with Kazuya beside him. “But for now, you’ve broken me too much to be able to stay with you.” He added and you could hear the pain and suffering from his voice. “For now, I just want to be alone.”

Kazuya tried to stifle back a sob, but he didn’t really manage. “I won’t give up.” He said with a strangled and sorrowful voice. “I will never give you up. Not to Ueda, not to anyone, even if you sleep with them.” He continued and tears started falling down. “I lost you once, I’m not losing you twice.” The young actor added and tried to stop himself from crying. He shouldn’t cry any more, not in front of Jin. Sloppily, he wiped his tears away. “It will hurt us both, but… our love is the best I ever had. I’m not giving up.” Kazuya stated firmly, even if his voice was strained with pain and sadness.

Jin sighed in an annoyed away, frustrated and already too tired and angry of this conversation going on and on. It was the same damn thing every time they met and no matter what, he couldn’t get rid of Kazuya or even try to forget about him when the younger one was constantly following him or doing things like this which always made Jin change his mind.

But not this time. He had finally reached his limit and he felt the desperate need to hurt Kazuya as much as the younger one seemed to want to do to him. “Do you really want me back that much?” he asked, his voice sounding exasperated as he looked at the other one and completely ignored his tears.

Kazuya looked at him, hope flashing in his watery eyes. “Are you stupid?” He croaked, not knowing if Jin was going to pull his leg or if he was really offering Kazuya a way to win him back. “Of course I want you back this much. And even more.” He continued, blinking fast, trying to get his tears away as they were fogging his vision of Jin. Could it really be that there was a way, a chance, for Jin to forgive him?

“Then go and find those rings that you have tossed away.” Jin said, feeling merciless for the first time in his life. It was weird because Kazuya was the person he loved the most in this world, but he was also the one that Jin wanted to hurt the most. He wanted Kazuya safe, he wanted the younger one to be happy, but in moments like this one, he couldn’t help but say those poisoning words that he knew would crush the boy one day. “Find the feelings that you have thrown away when I offered them to you and maybe then we’d talk.” He said, knowing perfectly well that Kazuya would never find them because they were still in his possession and Jin had no intention of giving them back. “Find the broken pieces of my heart that you had so desperately refused all this time and maybe then I’ll forgive you.” Jin added, once more turning his back to the younger one and leaving the kitchen, not even noticing that Ryo wasn’t waiting for him anymore - he had left a long time ago.

Kazuya stood rooted to the ground, Jin’s words ringing in his ears on and on. Then a smile fleetingly appeared on his lips. Even though he had known it before, it hurt even more when Jin explained it like this - he will never forgive Kazuya because the younger one could never find the rings he had thrown away in a rainy day. This was Jin telling him that there was no sense to their love anymore.

Even if they loved each other so much.

Kazuya crumbled down again.

PART THREE