Fic: Sold, Chapter 3/3 (Criminal Minds, Reid / Morgan, Hotch / Chad)
Title: Sold, Chapter 3/3
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan,
Aaron Hotchner / Chad Christensen
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
“Please tell me you got…” Morgan paused and took a look Hotch who had just opened the door. “…beer.” He grabbed the offered bottle from Hotch and downed half of it’s content in one large gulp.
“I heard you banging the car door, so I guess your date went well.” Hotch closed the door. “There’s food in the living room.”
“You’re a frigging mind reader…” Morgan groaned. “This was probably the most awful day of my life. Well, in top ten anyway.” He sunk onto the couch and grabbed a handful of cheese snacks from the bowl. “Any dip?”
“I still got it in the fridge. Others should be here pretty soon.”
“Mine’s gonna take some serious groaning and a good amount of beer, so you go first, How was yours?”
“Peaceful.” Hotch walked into the kitchen and came back with a bowl of dip. “We had dinner in a Columbian restaurant, we had a long discussion about Proust and she kept putting her hand on my thigh. It was almost like having dinner with Hailey’s mother when her father’s not attending.”
“That’s all?”
“What did you expect her to do? We were out in public.”
“So were we, and it was just… awful doesn’t even sound horrible enough.”
“Where did you go?”
“He ladies society was having it’s bi-monthly poetry evening.” Morgan dumped his empty beer bottle, grabbed a new one from the coffee table and snapped the cap off. “The visiting poet was from some feministic poetry circle.”
“Couldn’t you just tune out and-”
“They’re called “Neuter them All in the Name of Art”. It was the circle`s militant wing.” He took a long sip. “Three hours of poetry about how all men are pigs and whales would be safe if female vegetarians would be ruling the earth. And everyone would have a mandatory crew-cut. I swear it was like a bad joke. Like someone had taken all the clichés about feminists and wrapped them all up into one angry little package.”
“But you got out of there unharmed.”
“I don’t get it. I’ve known a lot of feminists and none of them was like that. They were pretty and took care of their personal hygiene and didn’t carry woodchoppers wherever they went… You think the department shrink could help?”
“Well…” Hotch took a bite from his taco and chewed slowly, thinking carefully. “We’ve seen several cases where mentally unbalanced persons have benefited from extensive therapy, and in this case we’re not talking about a homicidal unsub, merely someone who-”
“I wasn’t talking about that poetry chick, I meant therapy for me! I gotta get those mental images out of my head somehow. And when we were leaving that old cow I was with turned to me and asked: Did you get excited, honey?”
“What did you say?”
“I ran as fast as I could. That was the end of the date and she got what she paid for.”
“Look what I found.” Chad announced form the foyer and walked into the living room guiding Reid to sit on the couch. “I saw him walking couple blocks from here.”
“We were talking about Cimmeria`s collision with Laurasia during the Jurassic period, and I got confused.” Reid swiped few locks of hair behind his ear and clutched his messenger bag. “I was supposed to tell him where to drop me off and my mind started wandering and that house four blocks from here looks just like this one if you don’t look carefully.”
“You have eidetic memory, how is it possible you didn’t recognise a house you’ve seen who knows how many times?” Morgan asked and took a good look at him. The genius was blushing like an innocent milkmaid on her first visit to the barn.
“He said something and I started wondering…”
“What did he say?”
“I don’t know. I mean I know what he said, but I wasn’t sure if he was serious or if he was making some sort of suggestions with sexual subtext.”
“Tell me and I’ll tell you if he was coming on to you.”
“He said that if I have some spare time next spring, I should come and visit their dig site, because he would love to show me a small statue of Min they found there.”
“Doesn’t really sound like a come-on…”
“Min was a fertility god, who is always described having a very… generous phallic dimensions.” Reid’s cheeks turned even redder. “And people in that area never actually worshipped Min. He was an Egyptian god of fertility, reproduction and lettuce.”
“Lettuce?”
“Yeah, he was worshipped mainly during the pre-dynastic era-”
“No wonder you got confused.” Morgan laughed. Chad couldn’t helping joining him, but Hotch managed to keep a straight face. “I think in the brainiac-normal people phrase book, that would be translated as a come on.”
“I knew it…” Reid moaned. “I think he misunderstood me, when I made that joke about the meaning of Celtic Telesphorus to the medieval concept of collective deities.”
“Yeah, that was probably it.” Chad deadpanned. “But I think I can lift your mood. Remember Jansen, who used to run some of the self-defence classes at Quantico?”
“Unfortunately.”
“You’re not the only one who has said that. Anyway, he’s been badgering me to assign him more classes, so I recruited him to assist me when I did my self-defence class for the ladies.” Chad smile had turned into a predatory smirk. “I showed them the right technique and then I let them practice on him.”
The idea seemed to pull Reid out of his thoughts and his face lit up like a Christmas tree.
“Really?”
“I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t call in sick next week. He had nail scratches and bite marks all over him. I’ve had so many complaints about his classes that I`d say he got off easy.”
“I know…” A shiver ran through Reid`s angular frame. “The screaming and that whistle and he always called everyone "ladies"…” He took a good swig from the beer Morgan had pressed to his hand. “I don’t know why he`s still working there.”
“Because it’s easier to keep him there till he retires next year, than try to fire him. I just don’t sign any classes to him if there`s anyone else free to do them.” Chad explained and glanced down at his watch. “By the way, where`s the fifth musketeer?”
“Dave’s not coming.” Hotch informed. “He called me about an hour ago. He and his date had a nice evening and they were looking for the nearest motel.”
“Were they drunk?”
“Probably. He tried to complain about the Sugo all'amatriciana they had at the restaurant, but he couldn’t pronounce it anymore.”
“Anyway, we’re done.” Morgan lifted his beer to make a toast. “A toast. To charity, poetry, lettuce and women. Not necessarily in that order. And to us for surviving them.”