Words

[fjm]

"Sticks and stones will break my bones
But words will never harm me."

Possibly 1862, maybe earlier.

One of the great lies of the English nursery. Words are what make it possible for people to harm others: they set up legitimate targets, dehumanise the target, and ultimately excuse the attacker.

Comments

[yendi]

I don't think I realized how old that phrase was. I always figured it was from the '50s or so.

And yeah, such a lie, although I've seen people use it less as an aphorism than as a mantra, essentially a way to try to cope with emotional abuse. Never worked for me, alas.

[pogodragon]

It went well with my dad's favourite "What are you crying for? Show me where it hurts", because of course only physical things are real.

The fact that I was crying because someone had died, well, that was selfish because I was crying for me not them...

[fjm]

The ending to Ken MacLeod's Newton's Wake is the result of a conversation we had in which I pointed out that resurrection was not about continuity of the person (the person is dead and doesn't care), but continuity of relationships between people.

[pogodragon]

I'll put that on my 'to read' list. I've been reading some of his stuff recently but not got to that one.

[dungeonwriter]

There's no pain killers for bruised dignity, broken hearts and verbal assault.

[wildeabandon]

I find gin works quite well...

[scribble_myname]

I usually anesthetize with music and writing poetry.

[anna_wing]

In some circumstances, a lawyer's letter can be very soothing.

[the_changeling]

It was a defence line in my childhood. A battered shield to put up when all else failed. A way to try and deny the power of the people using the words, and to make them feel bad.

When thrown, it was usually the last thing to say, to try and end the attack, to make the other person feel defeated that they weren't hurting.

Bravado under duress.

I have always detested 'no one can make you feel inferior without your permission' as the worst possible case of privilege taking out of its ass.

The surprising thing about humans, is not how cruel they can be. Nor how crushed they can be. Or how broken they can be.

It's how they can rise back up, and carry on. That's the human: survives abuse on an epic level.

Which is both sad, and triumphant.

[scribble_myname]

As someone who encountered a lot of bullying and a lot of verbal abuse, I found it quite freeing to realize I could withdraw permission. Sometimes I care enough about a relationship to still have trouble, but I went from being suicidally depressed to a generally confident, competent person because of that phrase.

I can see how it can seem problematic or be used problematically, but in itself it expresses a truth I needed to know and have met others who are blessed when they learn it.

[joyeuce]

My mother used it (along with "just ignore him") as an instruction of how to respond to my brother's taunting. I did try, but there almost always came a point at which I blew my top - and then of course it was All My Fault and he was the victim. The really frustrating thing was that I never got any credit for resisting as long as I did.

[scribble_myname]

I have this problem with a sibling. I think it's a sibling thing. What's bad about it is that I love her dearly anyway, so it's a never-ending cycle. She doesn't even realize half the time that she's very pointedly provoking me.