"I just want you to not think about shit all the time. Every time I look at you, I can tell your mind is racing and your anxiety spikes my anxiety. I just want to do whatever it takes to make you happy and not think about everything for a while."

And then I fell in love with him, more than I've probably felt for anyone else in my life.

So this is everyday.
It starts out fine, then spirals to shit.
Regardless of activity, or inebriation.
Every day turns to shit.

I want my friend back.
Not him; you.

You know it's a hard decision you've made when your body completely shuts down emotionally in preparation for the pain.
This will be the deadest next 22 hours of my life.
Hopefully.

I was almost ready for this year.
And then, suddenly, I wasn't.
Not even a little.
Because I know it's going to just be another year.
And thoughts will still fall like stars.
And sunlight will still feel like rain
And the horizon will still be the most beautiful thing at sunset

I want to give up on everyone and be alone.
I want to be forced to hate.
I want to be forced to love.

Fuck off, motherfucker.
Don't pretend it's
Not you

And what, then
Without any comfort
With self, naked
Does one do to be more alone
When all she feels is
Alone
?

I'm in a hotel in the middle of fucking nowhere in Illinois, and I'm going to go work out in the fitness center, because it's 3AM, and why not?

Bravery.
Eludes me.