First Time Poster :)
I've made one critique. I know the community calls for 3, but it seems so inactive that I didn't want to comment on something thats over 2 months old. If the powers that be deem it necessary I'll sift through older posts and comment
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Comments 9
First, this is mostly an aesthetic thing, how the poem looks on the page, but I don't like your very irregular line breaks. I mean, having them different lengths is good, but the whole two words to six in the next line just jars one's eye.
I like "tires boiled hte gravel drive" but the two lines before it aren't too interesting. Also, I don't understand why you chose to break into a new strophe here, since it seems that this next one is a continuation of the previous sentence-ish-ness. Echo that for the capitalization there.
Your line breaks in the third strophe ... well, starting each line on a nothing word gets repetitive -- try to make lines begin & end with interesting words.
Should "crash curing" be hyphenated?
And ... I don't know. Don't care for the last strophe. Too much to the point I guess? Not sure. Particularly the last two lines.
Other than that, good start.
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When people posted things. When I posted things. The good old days.
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(The comment has been removed)
*Truck Stop T-Girl*
The neon twitched "Twenty Four Hours",as taillights turned brake lights and tires boiled the gravel drive. They sent dust laden steam, soaring, obscuring the view of late night tummy rumbling salvation.
She bumped the door shut with her backside
and sashayed her way to the smoking section
Her fag end flung left to right
hypnotizing haggard truckers hunkering down
for some crash repressing caffeine.
[feels like i need a better transition here]
"Right on" she said, as I produced a light to the cigarette a second ago was mine. It drooped,
damask stained, between her masculine lips. They were pursing ever so slightly to keep it in place.
Her skin rippled revealing a veil of concealer.
It was barely camouflaging the bristles blooming and every spike was exposing her.
[feels unfinished here]
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