Fic: Cuts Marked in the March of Men - Katie, Naomi/Emily
Title: In Keeping Secrets
Chapter: Cuts Marked in the March of Men (Chapter Two)
Pairing: Katie, Naomi/Emily
Rating: R for quite a lot of Katie Fitch swearing
Word Count: 7500
Disclaimer: The characters of Katie Fitch, Naomi Campbell, Emily Fitch, Effy Stonem, Pandora Moon, JJ Jones and Freddie McLair most certainly do not belong to me, but I'm borrowing them and their world for a bit. Hope that's ok.
Summary: 'You'll notice the one that you have loved in dreams is here among the others.' - Chapter Two of 'In Keeping Secrets'
A/N: I'm not sure if I really have to say, but I shall, just in case - this story will not remain as Naomily - that's not to say that I don't love them as a pairing, but that's not where this is going. Cheers!
While Katie would have been quite happy to pretend that the ‘incident’ with Naomi had never happened, she found herself thinking about it more and more often. And the more she thought about it, the less idea she had about why she had reacted the way she did.
She figured that she must have permanent fucking brain damage - that, like, parts of her brain, the bits that knew how to do rational thinking, were left on the floor of the woods, stuck to a rock and decomposing slowly in the shadows.
It didn’t help at all that Naomi had started to look at her differently, less like she wanted to claw Katie’s face off. And Katie really didn’t know what the fuck that meant.
****
Two days later, after Naomi had given Katie a particularly considered glance across the pub, like surveying her, sussing her out, Katie had practically run to Boots and bought a dark brown hair dye.
She felt like it was cleansing as she rinsed it out, watching the muddy coloured water trickle down the plug hole, like she was washing the woods off her all over again.
****
She’d made a promise to her sister that she would really try to get on with Naomi, which she reckoned now would prove more difficult than ever, seeing as there was this kind of pitying look stuck to Naomi’s face whenever she saw Katie, which made Katie’s own face react rather unattractively, and cause her tongue to run away from her.
Katie would swear at and berate Naomi, whenever Emily wasn’t in earshot, which elicited what Katie saw as the correct response from Naomi - either an eyeroll, a sneer or some kind of pathetic jibe about Katie’s sexual habits (false accusations, really, as Naomi new nothing about what Katie was like in bed, and she didn’t feel the need to fucking enlighten her, thanks very much) or clothing.
It was easier this way. Better. It was what Katie knew how to do around Naomi. But it didn’t escape Katie that nothing they were doing was going to help Emily in the slightest.
But then, to Katie, knowing that she should stop doing something was actually a lot different from finding a way to stop.
****
If there was anything that Katie and Naomi could agree on, it was that they both loved Emily and didn’t want to hurt her, which, unfortunately seemed to be the one thing that they were incapable of preventing.
It would start, usually, when Emily wasn’t in the same room. Naomi would have been invited over to watch a film and because Katie was making a fucking effort (and actually, depressingly, had nothing better to do) she would join them. It was often some shit that Emily had picked out, some kind of indie flick that about 2% of people their age were actually interested in seeing, or something slushy and vomitsomely romantic.
Katie would absolutely flat-out refuse to watch anything the involved lesbians. Why would she need to when she had constant and immediate access to the world’s sappiest lesbian love story that probably ever existed ever? The only thing that made confining herself to her room and twatting about on the Heat website more worthwhile was when she bumped into Naomi on her way to the toilet, who, to her credit, looked like she was about ten seconds away from gauging her own eyes out.
On one occasion, she didn’t even try to suppress a laugh as Naomi paused with her hand on the bathroom doorknob, before sighing and turning to look at Katie with an abrupt, “What?”
“Sorry babes,” Katie snorted, raising an eyebrow. “It’s just that you look like you’re about to slit your wrists in, like, some kind of tribute to lost lesbian romances everywhere.” She tried not to wince at the lisp - it never fucked off, even for a fucking second. It made the word ‘lesbian’ even more difficult to say.
“And deprive you of the chance to constantly slag off my ridiculous fashion sense and remind me of how undeserving I am of your sister?” They smirked at one another. “I don’t think I could quite manage to kill myself knowing how devastated you would be about it.”
“Seriously, don’t let me stop you. I’m sure the world could do with one less obnoxious twat mouthing off about things they don’t quite understand.” Naomi sneered at her and shook her head. “Besides, imagine how many girls would be dropping their knickers for my sister when she tells them that her first love died, like, fucking tragically, before her time.”
Katie thought that the quotation marks she made in the air when she said ‘first love’ might have been a step too far. She wasn’t even entirely sure why she did it, or if they were used in the right place. But, then, things like this were happening all over the place - wrong words and wrong actions, all done too quickly, heard and witnessed and never to be taken back.
The tone had changed. Neither of them was smiling any more. Katie noticed Naomi’s grip tighten around the doorknob, her knuckles turning white. There was a look in Naomi’s eyes, fiercely protective - jealous, like the night of the ball. Katie knew she was out of order yet she kept her jaw set and her eyebrow raised, almost daring Naomi to fight back.
It reminded her, then, that this was what they did. Katie would lash out, Naomi would get jealous and angry, and Emily would get upset. She didn’t like it - it had stopped making her feel good about herself, if it had ever done that. It was just... Fuck it.
Naomi opened her mouth to speak at the moment that Emily called up the stairs after her.
“Just coming, hun,” she shouted, trying to keep her voice from sounding strained and still looking at Katie. She lowered her voice. “I think you’re confusing yourself with Emily, Katie.” Naomi leaned in close to Katie’s ear, close enough for her to feel warm breath against her ear. “Most of the time, Emily prefers for her women not to even bother wearing knickers. Quicker access, you know?”
Naomi didn’t stick around long enough to witness Katie’s complete look of shocked disgust. She stared incredulously at the door of the bathroom for what must have been longer than she realised because she had to swiftly retreat to her room when she heard the toilet flush.
“Fucking bitch,” she muttered as she flung herself onto her bed, almost bouncing her laptop off of it. How dare she say, like, repulsive things about her sister? Like Katie ever wanted to know that. And why did she have to get so fucking close and talk about not wearing knickers, for fuck’s sake.
Bringing her hand up Katie rubbed furiously at the ear that Naomi had whispered into, then realised it was a little too close to her scar, which seemed to make her face tingle.
Katie closed her eyes. It’s healing, it’s all healing. It’s fine, she told herself.
It was funny, she thought, how denial didn’t seem to be able to make her feel better any more. Although really, there was nothing funny about anything.
****
Later that night, Emily surprised Katie by entering their room and getting ready for bed. Katie just kind of stared at her, headphones dangling from her ears. She thought that her sister would go off to Naomi’s to sleep without even saying ‘bye’. It’s what she expected, now.
Emily said something that Katie didn’t hear as she sat on the end of her bed, pyjamas in hand.
“What?” She removed one side, looking impatient, holding the headphone out by her ear, ready to put it straight back in once Emily had said whatever pathetic thing it was that she’d come to say.
Emily sighed and blinked slowly. “I said, what the fuck did you say to Naomi earlier?”
Katie broke their gaze and her eyes flicked back to her laptop. “When?” She asked, feigning ignorance.
The lid to Katie’s laptop came down hard, nearly trapping her fingers. She managed a ‘What the fu...” before she realised how close Emily was to her face, eyes glaring. Fuck, she was angry. And it scared Katie. The last time she had seen that look in her eyes they had fought, and Katie had lost.
“No, Katie. Just... no. This has got to fucking stop,” Emily looked away, laughing a crooked kind of laugh. It sounded bitter, Katie thought. It didn’t sound right coming out of her mouth. “I can’t believe I need to tell you this again, Katie. But I love her, and I love you, and both of you are making this fucking unbearable.”
Katie knew it. She knew it was all wrong, all of it. But, if she wasn’t a bitch to Naomi, she didn’t know how else to be.
It would be easy to snap, now. To retaliate, put some of the blame on Naomi, have them face the music together.
But... Katie was tired of it. She could keep it up under the fierce look of her sister’s girlfriend, but not with her sister.
Her expression must have softened as she was thinking because when she looked up again Emily’s had too.
“Ok,” Katie said, defeated. “Fine. But, Ems, you need to understand something too. This thing with Naomi, with her and me, it isn’t just because of you, you know? I’ve never fucking liked her, and just because you’re like, in love, or whatever, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to magically like her, you know?”
She spoke softly, which seemed to exhaust her. It was hard, just being nice. And being honest along with it.
It seemed to do the trick, though, as she felt Emily’s hand cover her own.
“I know that, you silly twat. I’m not asking you to be best friends or anything. Just, be a bit nicer. Like actually try this time. Don’t just fake it when I’m around.”
Katie pulled a face and Emily laughed. “Hard for you to believe I’m not actually that fucking stupid sometimes, isn’t it?”
They shared symmetrical half-smiles. And Katie didn’t even have to force it.
****
Things changed, a bit. The next time she encountered Naomi, when she handed over custody of Emily after a shopping trip (Katie had looked at the entire contents of her wardrobe and found that she hated all of it) Naomi had almost fallen over when Katie cast a friendly look in her direction and offered a pleasant ‘Hi’.
It couldn’t be that hard, she thought, to really try. Seeing as Naomi wasn’t going anywhere fast and the happier Emily was, the easier her life would be. Besides, it was only a year until they all fucked off to Uni anyway... Or they fucked off to Uni and Katie fucked off to the job centre. She hadn’t quite figured stuff out that far in advance yet. The thought had made her shudder until she realised she’d chipped her nail varnish and had to scream at James for stealing the red again when she couldn’t find it.
But anyway, Naomi had looked stunned for a second, like weighing up the chances of her being the punchline of some joke that only Katie was in on, but she must have seen something in Katie’s eyes that reassured her that that wasn’t the case.
She narrowed her eyes anyway, and responded with her own, ‘Hi Katie’ as Emily reached up on her tiptoes and kissed Naomi on the cheek. Katie held back her own eyeroll.
“Blimey, you win on the horses or something?” Naomi nodded towards the ridiculous amounts of bags they were both carrying.
“Or something,” Emily smirked at her, then turned away a little from Katie and covertly directed Naomi to look in one of the bags. Katie hadn’t seen Emily buying it, whatever it was. She saw Naomi flush and had an idea of what she was being shown. Something in Katie’s stomach twisted at the thought of them together, but not in the way that it had done before.
Katie recognised that feeling. She figured that it must just have been because she was single. And no one was buying sexy underwear for her. And she had no one to wear sexy underwear for. And, for once, Emily did. That was all. Just, it was weird, that she was alone. That’s the only reason why she felt her chest constrict when she saw Naomi bite her lip and lean down to kiss her sister quickly, after a subtle look around to check that no one was watching.
Whatever, though. Because Katie didn’t need a boyfriend. It just would have been nice, comfortable, familiar. Something to focus on, rather than...
“Alright, Kay?” She must have zoned out for a second, because Emily was beside her, a gentle hand on her arm.
Katie looked at Naomi, who at some point had begun smoking, and watched it billow out from between slightly parted lips.
“Yeah,” Katie muttered, dragging her gaze back towards her sister’s worried eyes. “Yeah, fine.”
****
The next time they met in the hallway, Naomi looked like she’d been sleeping. Her hair was a little ruffled and her eyes weren’t quite as open as they should have been. Katie hung back by her door, and just watched until Naomi realised she was there.
Naomi blinked through her sleepy haze and smiled.
“What?” Katie asked, not unpleasantly.
“Nothing, it’s just... I meant to say, before.”
“What?” Katie croaked, and then cursed her voice for breaking. It sounded like Emily’s. Naomi must have noticed and her eyes widened a bit further before shaking her head with a smile.
“Just... just that, your hair looks nice. That colour, I mean. It looks good on you.”
In that instant, Katie had never hated herself more. She actually blushed.
“Oh, right. Well, yeah,” she shrugged, forcing out a cocky-looking grin. “Of course it does.”
And, because everything was shocking this evening, Naomi laughed. “Right. Well, I spose I won’t be confusing you and Emily again anytime soon.” She bit her lip and Katie had to steady herself against her doorframe. She must have got up too fast. Five minutes ago.
Naomi missed it, though, as she rubbed more of the sleep from her eyes.
“Thank fuck for that then, yeah?” Katie smiled, but it was one of those strained ones that she’d been having to practice, that usually came out to pacify her mother. She was pretty good at it, she thought. Naomi wouldn’t know the difference. “Come on then, I need a piss. Hurray up so I can go.”
“Right,” Naomi nodded and left Katie to slump even further, waiting for her heart to stop beating quite so fast.
There was a huge ‘what the fuck?’ swimming around inside Katie’s head. This was getting ridiculous.
She was still there when Naomi emerged minutes later. “All yours.”
‘No,’ Katie thought as she watched Naomi descend the stairs. ‘You’re wrong. I have nothing.’
****
It’s what she should have anticipated, really. There was no way Katie, or any of them could have put it off forever, but, perhaps, a bit of a warning would have been nice. Like, a freak storm, or an eclipse or fucking water running the wrong way down the plug hole but, no, of course, none of those things happened. Because that was just the kind of luck that Katie was having.
She was adjusting her tits in the mirror, watching Emily touch up her lipgloss when she walked in.
“I don’t know why you bother wearing that,” Katie gestured towards Emily’s puckered lips.
“What, this? What? Why? Doesn’t it look good?” Emily looked hurt, but Katie just curled her lip upwards, catching her eye in the mirror.
“No, it looks fine. I just mean, Naomi’s going snog it off your face in about five fucking minutes so I don’t see the point.” They’d reached this stage, now, where everyone knew they were joking. Although, sometimes, Naomi didn’t always get the joke and had to wait for one of the twins to laugh to figure out if it were okay for her to do so also.
Emily grinned back at her sister, practically beaming. “Yeah, well, she fucking likes the...”
Katie watched Emily’s smile disappear as her eyes locked on something at in the doorway. Katie hadn’t heard it open. She wished that she had.
Turning to see what Emily had seen, she felt sick.
She looked just how Katie remembered her: hair wild and untamed, black make-up smudged around her eyes, too-short t-shirt/dress-thing showing more of her thighs than Katie would have liked to see.
Like the stupid twat that she was, she was clearly surprised to see them, too. Or, perhaps just Katie.
They stood there, the three of them, just gormlessly staring at each other. She couldn’t see Emily’s face but she guess that it was angry when she spoke.
“What the fuck, Effy?”
Effy, whether by choice or not, didn’t respond to Emily. She hadn’t taken her eyes from Katie’s the entire time.
It wasn’t right. It wasn’t the time, not now. Not when she’d had vodka and a bit of a joint and the evening had been fun and she’d been eyed up by some fit lads and Emily and Naomi had been dancing and laughing with her. Not now.
It was what stopped her from letting Effy talk.
So, before she could even let her begin, Katie stomped towards her, managing to time it so that someone else was coming into toilets, allowing her to slide effortlessly past and out.
It made her stomach turn further still when she realised that Effy had flinched as she approached.
Her pace quickened as she hit the darkness of the club, striding onwards even as she heard Emily call out to her, and then the quieter but distinctive voice of Effy asking her sister to wait, just for a second.
She was panicking, again, shoving through people, heading not for the garden but for the exit. Not one part of her considered slowing as she heard Naomi, who had been waiting for them at the bar, shout her name followed by a loud ‘shit’.
It was a blur yet seemed to take forever until she hit fresh air. It was warm, summer air, thick with the fumes of the city and it burned Katie’s lungs to breathe it in. Her eyes widened as she found a wall to lean against, tilting her head back against it.
Her breathing hadn’t slowed by the time Naomi caught up with her.
“Fuck Katie. Fuck, what happened?” Katie couldn’t speak, couldn’t even mutter a syllable, and could only search around with her hands in front of her until Naomi took hold of them, entwining their fingers and pushing their palms together.
It was comforting, to feel the heat of her, when Katie’s own body felt hot and cold, and to hear her murmuring calming ‘you’re okay’s and reminding Katie to breathe. And she did, then, firmly rooted to reality by Naomi’s hands. Keeping her sane, keeping her safe.
Katie realised that her eyes were squeezed almost painfully shut and opened them to find Naomi’s close and questioning. Fearful.
It would have made Katie laugh, had she had any energy left to do so.
“Effy,” was all Katie could manage and Naomi’s eyes stopped looking confused. It was something, at least, that she didn’t have to explain.
****
Emily found them, only a few minutes later, sat on a curb sharing a cigarette.
“Fucking hell, you two. Don’t you answer your fucking phones?” She took her place next to Katie, rummaging around in her own bag for a smoke. Katie and Naomi both took one more each out of her packet without asking. “Jesus... and people think that Katie and I are the ones who are similar...”
Her half-smile was reassuring. Katie shook her head, puffing out a breath, and took Emily’s hand in her own. She noted, despite herself, that it felt strange after holding Naomi’s. Smaller, rounder. Less... something.
“What did she say to you, then?” Katie felt brave enough after a few moments of quiet inhaling and exhaling.
“She said she was sorry.”
****
As expected, that night Katie dreamed of the woods again. Effy was in front of her, speaking soundlessly. She reached to touch Katie’s head, where the scar was, but when Katie stuck her arm out to stop her, holding her by the wrist, she realised it was Naomi.
“It looks good on you,” she whispered and Katie relinquished her grasp, letting Naomi’s hand free to run through her hair.
When she took her hand away there was blood on it.
Part Two
Chapter: Cuts Marked in the March of Men (Chapter Two)
Pairing: Katie, Naomi/Emily
Rating: R for quite a lot of Katie Fitch swearing
Word Count: 7500
Disclaimer: The characters of Katie Fitch, Naomi Campbell, Emily Fitch, Effy Stonem, Pandora Moon, JJ Jones and Freddie McLair most certainly do not belong to me, but I'm borrowing them and their world for a bit. Hope that's ok.
Summary: 'You'll notice the one that you have loved in dreams is here among the others.' - Chapter Two of 'In Keeping Secrets'
A/N: I'm not sure if I really have to say, but I shall, just in case - this story will not remain as Naomily - that's not to say that I don't love them as a pairing, but that's not where this is going. Cheers!
While Katie would have been quite happy to pretend that the ‘incident’ with Naomi had never happened, she found herself thinking about it more and more often. And the more she thought about it, the less idea she had about why she had reacted the way she did.
She figured that she must have permanent fucking brain damage - that, like, parts of her brain, the bits that knew how to do rational thinking, were left on the floor of the woods, stuck to a rock and decomposing slowly in the shadows.
It didn’t help at all that Naomi had started to look at her differently, less like she wanted to claw Katie’s face off. And Katie really didn’t know what the fuck that meant.
****
Two days later, after Naomi had given Katie a particularly considered glance across the pub, like surveying her, sussing her out, Katie had practically run to Boots and bought a dark brown hair dye.
She felt like it was cleansing as she rinsed it out, watching the muddy coloured water trickle down the plug hole, like she was washing the woods off her all over again.
****
She’d made a promise to her sister that she would really try to get on with Naomi, which she reckoned now would prove more difficult than ever, seeing as there was this kind of pitying look stuck to Naomi’s face whenever she saw Katie, which made Katie’s own face react rather unattractively, and cause her tongue to run away from her.
Katie would swear at and berate Naomi, whenever Emily wasn’t in earshot, which elicited what Katie saw as the correct response from Naomi - either an eyeroll, a sneer or some kind of pathetic jibe about Katie’s sexual habits (false accusations, really, as Naomi new nothing about what Katie was like in bed, and she didn’t feel the need to fucking enlighten her, thanks very much) or clothing.
It was easier this way. Better. It was what Katie knew how to do around Naomi. But it didn’t escape Katie that nothing they were doing was going to help Emily in the slightest.
But then, to Katie, knowing that she should stop doing something was actually a lot different from finding a way to stop.
****
If there was anything that Katie and Naomi could agree on, it was that they both loved Emily and didn’t want to hurt her, which, unfortunately seemed to be the one thing that they were incapable of preventing.
It would start, usually, when Emily wasn’t in the same room. Naomi would have been invited over to watch a film and because Katie was making a fucking effort (and actually, depressingly, had nothing better to do) she would join them. It was often some shit that Emily had picked out, some kind of indie flick that about 2% of people their age were actually interested in seeing, or something slushy and vomitsomely romantic.
Katie would absolutely flat-out refuse to watch anything the involved lesbians. Why would she need to when she had constant and immediate access to the world’s sappiest lesbian love story that probably ever existed ever? The only thing that made confining herself to her room and twatting about on the Heat website more worthwhile was when she bumped into Naomi on her way to the toilet, who, to her credit, looked like she was about ten seconds away from gauging her own eyes out.
On one occasion, she didn’t even try to suppress a laugh as Naomi paused with her hand on the bathroom doorknob, before sighing and turning to look at Katie with an abrupt, “What?”
“Sorry babes,” Katie snorted, raising an eyebrow. “It’s just that you look like you’re about to slit your wrists in, like, some kind of tribute to lost lesbian romances everywhere.” She tried not to wince at the lisp - it never fucked off, even for a fucking second. It made the word ‘lesbian’ even more difficult to say.
“And deprive you of the chance to constantly slag off my ridiculous fashion sense and remind me of how undeserving I am of your sister?” They smirked at one another. “I don’t think I could quite manage to kill myself knowing how devastated you would be about it.”
“Seriously, don’t let me stop you. I’m sure the world could do with one less obnoxious twat mouthing off about things they don’t quite understand.” Naomi sneered at her and shook her head. “Besides, imagine how many girls would be dropping their knickers for my sister when she tells them that her first love died, like, fucking tragically, before her time.”
Katie thought that the quotation marks she made in the air when she said ‘first love’ might have been a step too far. She wasn’t even entirely sure why she did it, or if they were used in the right place. But, then, things like this were happening all over the place - wrong words and wrong actions, all done too quickly, heard and witnessed and never to be taken back.
The tone had changed. Neither of them was smiling any more. Katie noticed Naomi’s grip tighten around the doorknob, her knuckles turning white. There was a look in Naomi’s eyes, fiercely protective - jealous, like the night of the ball. Katie knew she was out of order yet she kept her jaw set and her eyebrow raised, almost daring Naomi to fight back.
It reminded her, then, that this was what they did. Katie would lash out, Naomi would get jealous and angry, and Emily would get upset. She didn’t like it - it had stopped making her feel good about herself, if it had ever done that. It was just... Fuck it.
Naomi opened her mouth to speak at the moment that Emily called up the stairs after her.
“Just coming, hun,” she shouted, trying to keep her voice from sounding strained and still looking at Katie. She lowered her voice. “I think you’re confusing yourself with Emily, Katie.” Naomi leaned in close to Katie’s ear, close enough for her to feel warm breath against her ear. “Most of the time, Emily prefers for her women not to even bother wearing knickers. Quicker access, you know?”
Naomi didn’t stick around long enough to witness Katie’s complete look of shocked disgust. She stared incredulously at the door of the bathroom for what must have been longer than she realised because she had to swiftly retreat to her room when she heard the toilet flush.
“Fucking bitch,” she muttered as she flung herself onto her bed, almost bouncing her laptop off of it. How dare she say, like, repulsive things about her sister? Like Katie ever wanted to know that. And why did she have to get so fucking close and talk about not wearing knickers, for fuck’s sake.
Bringing her hand up Katie rubbed furiously at the ear that Naomi had whispered into, then realised it was a little too close to her scar, which seemed to make her face tingle.
Katie closed her eyes. It’s healing, it’s all healing. It’s fine, she told herself.
It was funny, she thought, how denial didn’t seem to be able to make her feel better any more. Although really, there was nothing funny about anything.
****
Later that night, Emily surprised Katie by entering their room and getting ready for bed. Katie just kind of stared at her, headphones dangling from her ears. She thought that her sister would go off to Naomi’s to sleep without even saying ‘bye’. It’s what she expected, now.
Emily said something that Katie didn’t hear as she sat on the end of her bed, pyjamas in hand.
“What?” She removed one side, looking impatient, holding the headphone out by her ear, ready to put it straight back in once Emily had said whatever pathetic thing it was that she’d come to say.
Emily sighed and blinked slowly. “I said, what the fuck did you say to Naomi earlier?”
Katie broke their gaze and her eyes flicked back to her laptop. “When?” She asked, feigning ignorance.
The lid to Katie’s laptop came down hard, nearly trapping her fingers. She managed a ‘What the fu...” before she realised how close Emily was to her face, eyes glaring. Fuck, she was angry. And it scared Katie. The last time she had seen that look in her eyes they had fought, and Katie had lost.
“No, Katie. Just... no. This has got to fucking stop,” Emily looked away, laughing a crooked kind of laugh. It sounded bitter, Katie thought. It didn’t sound right coming out of her mouth. “I can’t believe I need to tell you this again, Katie. But I love her, and I love you, and both of you are making this fucking unbearable.”
Katie knew it. She knew it was all wrong, all of it. But, if she wasn’t a bitch to Naomi, she didn’t know how else to be.
It would be easy to snap, now. To retaliate, put some of the blame on Naomi, have them face the music together.
But... Katie was tired of it. She could keep it up under the fierce look of her sister’s girlfriend, but not with her sister.
Her expression must have softened as she was thinking because when she looked up again Emily’s had too.
“Ok,” Katie said, defeated. “Fine. But, Ems, you need to understand something too. This thing with Naomi, with her and me, it isn’t just because of you, you know? I’ve never fucking liked her, and just because you’re like, in love, or whatever, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to magically like her, you know?”
She spoke softly, which seemed to exhaust her. It was hard, just being nice. And being honest along with it.
It seemed to do the trick, though, as she felt Emily’s hand cover her own.
“I know that, you silly twat. I’m not asking you to be best friends or anything. Just, be a bit nicer. Like actually try this time. Don’t just fake it when I’m around.”
Katie pulled a face and Emily laughed. “Hard for you to believe I’m not actually that fucking stupid sometimes, isn’t it?”
They shared symmetrical half-smiles. And Katie didn’t even have to force it.
****
Things changed, a bit. The next time she encountered Naomi, when she handed over custody of Emily after a shopping trip (Katie had looked at the entire contents of her wardrobe and found that she hated all of it) Naomi had almost fallen over when Katie cast a friendly look in her direction and offered a pleasant ‘Hi’.
It couldn’t be that hard, she thought, to really try. Seeing as Naomi wasn’t going anywhere fast and the happier Emily was, the easier her life would be. Besides, it was only a year until they all fucked off to Uni anyway... Or they fucked off to Uni and Katie fucked off to the job centre. She hadn’t quite figured stuff out that far in advance yet. The thought had made her shudder until she realised she’d chipped her nail varnish and had to scream at James for stealing the red again when she couldn’t find it.
But anyway, Naomi had looked stunned for a second, like weighing up the chances of her being the punchline of some joke that only Katie was in on, but she must have seen something in Katie’s eyes that reassured her that that wasn’t the case.
She narrowed her eyes anyway, and responded with her own, ‘Hi Katie’ as Emily reached up on her tiptoes and kissed Naomi on the cheek. Katie held back her own eyeroll.
“Blimey, you win on the horses or something?” Naomi nodded towards the ridiculous amounts of bags they were both carrying.
“Or something,” Emily smirked at her, then turned away a little from Katie and covertly directed Naomi to look in one of the bags. Katie hadn’t seen Emily buying it, whatever it was. She saw Naomi flush and had an idea of what she was being shown. Something in Katie’s stomach twisted at the thought of them together, but not in the way that it had done before.
Katie recognised that feeling. She figured that it must just have been because she was single. And no one was buying sexy underwear for her. And she had no one to wear sexy underwear for. And, for once, Emily did. That was all. Just, it was weird, that she was alone. That’s the only reason why she felt her chest constrict when she saw Naomi bite her lip and lean down to kiss her sister quickly, after a subtle look around to check that no one was watching.
Whatever, though. Because Katie didn’t need a boyfriend. It just would have been nice, comfortable, familiar. Something to focus on, rather than...
“Alright, Kay?” She must have zoned out for a second, because Emily was beside her, a gentle hand on her arm.
Katie looked at Naomi, who at some point had begun smoking, and watched it billow out from between slightly parted lips.
“Yeah,” Katie muttered, dragging her gaze back towards her sister’s worried eyes. “Yeah, fine.”
****
The next time they met in the hallway, Naomi looked like she’d been sleeping. Her hair was a little ruffled and her eyes weren’t quite as open as they should have been. Katie hung back by her door, and just watched until Naomi realised she was there.
Naomi blinked through her sleepy haze and smiled.
“What?” Katie asked, not unpleasantly.
“Nothing, it’s just... I meant to say, before.”
“What?” Katie croaked, and then cursed her voice for breaking. It sounded like Emily’s. Naomi must have noticed and her eyes widened a bit further before shaking her head with a smile.
“Just... just that, your hair looks nice. That colour, I mean. It looks good on you.”
In that instant, Katie had never hated herself more. She actually blushed.
“Oh, right. Well, yeah,” she shrugged, forcing out a cocky-looking grin. “Of course it does.”
And, because everything was shocking this evening, Naomi laughed. “Right. Well, I spose I won’t be confusing you and Emily again anytime soon.” She bit her lip and Katie had to steady herself against her doorframe. She must have got up too fast. Five minutes ago.
Naomi missed it, though, as she rubbed more of the sleep from her eyes.
“Thank fuck for that then, yeah?” Katie smiled, but it was one of those strained ones that she’d been having to practice, that usually came out to pacify her mother. She was pretty good at it, she thought. Naomi wouldn’t know the difference. “Come on then, I need a piss. Hurray up so I can go.”
“Right,” Naomi nodded and left Katie to slump even further, waiting for her heart to stop beating quite so fast.
There was a huge ‘what the fuck?’ swimming around inside Katie’s head. This was getting ridiculous.
She was still there when Naomi emerged minutes later. “All yours.”
‘No,’ Katie thought as she watched Naomi descend the stairs. ‘You’re wrong. I have nothing.’
****
It’s what she should have anticipated, really. There was no way Katie, or any of them could have put it off forever, but, perhaps, a bit of a warning would have been nice. Like, a freak storm, or an eclipse or fucking water running the wrong way down the plug hole but, no, of course, none of those things happened. Because that was just the kind of luck that Katie was having.
She was adjusting her tits in the mirror, watching Emily touch up her lipgloss when she walked in.
“I don’t know why you bother wearing that,” Katie gestured towards Emily’s puckered lips.
“What, this? What? Why? Doesn’t it look good?” Emily looked hurt, but Katie just curled her lip upwards, catching her eye in the mirror.
“No, it looks fine. I just mean, Naomi’s going snog it off your face in about five fucking minutes so I don’t see the point.” They’d reached this stage, now, where everyone knew they were joking. Although, sometimes, Naomi didn’t always get the joke and had to wait for one of the twins to laugh to figure out if it were okay for her to do so also.
Emily grinned back at her sister, practically beaming. “Yeah, well, she fucking likes the...”
Katie watched Emily’s smile disappear as her eyes locked on something at in the doorway. Katie hadn’t heard it open. She wished that she had.
Turning to see what Emily had seen, she felt sick.
She looked just how Katie remembered her: hair wild and untamed, black make-up smudged around her eyes, too-short t-shirt/dress-thing showing more of her thighs than Katie would have liked to see.
Like the stupid twat that she was, she was clearly surprised to see them, too. Or, perhaps just Katie.
They stood there, the three of them, just gormlessly staring at each other. She couldn’t see Emily’s face but she guess that it was angry when she spoke.
“What the fuck, Effy?”
Effy, whether by choice or not, didn’t respond to Emily. She hadn’t taken her eyes from Katie’s the entire time.
It wasn’t right. It wasn’t the time, not now. Not when she’d had vodka and a bit of a joint and the evening had been fun and she’d been eyed up by some fit lads and Emily and Naomi had been dancing and laughing with her. Not now.
It was what stopped her from letting Effy talk.
So, before she could even let her begin, Katie stomped towards her, managing to time it so that someone else was coming into toilets, allowing her to slide effortlessly past and out.
It made her stomach turn further still when she realised that Effy had flinched as she approached.
Her pace quickened as she hit the darkness of the club, striding onwards even as she heard Emily call out to her, and then the quieter but distinctive voice of Effy asking her sister to wait, just for a second.
She was panicking, again, shoving through people, heading not for the garden but for the exit. Not one part of her considered slowing as she heard Naomi, who had been waiting for them at the bar, shout her name followed by a loud ‘shit’.
It was a blur yet seemed to take forever until she hit fresh air. It was warm, summer air, thick with the fumes of the city and it burned Katie’s lungs to breathe it in. Her eyes widened as she found a wall to lean against, tilting her head back against it.
Her breathing hadn’t slowed by the time Naomi caught up with her.
“Fuck Katie. Fuck, what happened?” Katie couldn’t speak, couldn’t even mutter a syllable, and could only search around with her hands in front of her until Naomi took hold of them, entwining their fingers and pushing their palms together.
It was comforting, to feel the heat of her, when Katie’s own body felt hot and cold, and to hear her murmuring calming ‘you’re okay’s and reminding Katie to breathe. And she did, then, firmly rooted to reality by Naomi’s hands. Keeping her sane, keeping her safe.
Katie realised that her eyes were squeezed almost painfully shut and opened them to find Naomi’s close and questioning. Fearful.
It would have made Katie laugh, had she had any energy left to do so.
“Effy,” was all Katie could manage and Naomi’s eyes stopped looking confused. It was something, at least, that she didn’t have to explain.
****
Emily found them, only a few minutes later, sat on a curb sharing a cigarette.
“Fucking hell, you two. Don’t you answer your fucking phones?” She took her place next to Katie, rummaging around in her own bag for a smoke. Katie and Naomi both took one more each out of her packet without asking. “Jesus... and people think that Katie and I are the ones who are similar...”
Her half-smile was reassuring. Katie shook her head, puffing out a breath, and took Emily’s hand in her own. She noted, despite herself, that it felt strange after holding Naomi’s. Smaller, rounder. Less... something.
“What did she say to you, then?” Katie felt brave enough after a few moments of quiet inhaling and exhaling.
“She said she was sorry.”
****
As expected, that night Katie dreamed of the woods again. Effy was in front of her, speaking soundlessly. She reached to touch Katie’s head, where the scar was, but when Katie stuck her arm out to stop her, holding her by the wrist, she realised it was Naomi.
“It looks good on you,” she whispered and Katie relinquished her grasp, letting Naomi’s hand free to run through her hair.
When she took her hand away there was blood on it.
Part Two