Friday night, my mom was across the street hanging out with a few of our neighbors. Saturday morning, she told me that they thought I was "18 or 19, 20 tops", and were shocked to be told otherwise.

Back before Drew Carey hosted The Price Is Right, and even before he had a hit sitcom on Disney Presents ABC, he was a stand-up comedian. And one of Drew's most famous bits was telling jokes about how big his allegedly dick was. How come you never see comediennes bragging about how big there vaginas are? That would be comic gold ( Read more... )

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I hate the new Facebook layout more and more everyday. I don't like Twitter. Twitter sucks, and only vapid idiots use it. And if I wanted to use Twitter, I'd use it. But again, I'm not a vapid idiot. There is no reason for Facebook to turn into Twitter Lite. I fell like a great injustice has been visited upon me, and I want Facebook CEO Mark ( Read more... )

When I see that one of my Facebook friends has announced that they're attending 4/20, I die a little inside. You wanna smoke the reefer? Fine. But it's not something you should be proud of. I hope a prospective employer sees that and it costs you a job. With a little luck, your life will be ruined forever.

I think I really hate the Peter Gabriel song "Solsbury Hill". I've seen one too many trailers for pretentious indy films about self-discovery that has employed this song as background music. The song has become cliche through overuse, and the melody irritates in ways I can't describe ( Read more... )

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Well actually, it's FIVE missed calls. From an international number. At fucking 5:30 in the morning. I don't know anyone who lives in any foreign countries and if any of my asshole friends ended up in a Tijuana jail, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be the first person they called. Also, there's no voicemail message ( Read more... )

So earlier I yelled at my mom. She had asked if she could watch Monk and Psych with me, and I said yes. Well, that lasted for all of five minutes. She started tapping her feet during the Monk theme and I asked her to stop. When she didn't stop, I suggested that maybe she shouldn't buy the cheapest wine the liquor store sells because I can smell it ( Read more... )

About 10 years ago, my 90 year old next door neighbor sold her house because she couldn't really get around anymore. She moved into a nursing home and we never heard from her again. We assumed she died, but my mom had obsessively looked for her obit everyday anyway. Well, Monday she found it. Louise Lyons died Sunday in a Melrose rest home at 100 ( Read more... )