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Stormy Weather Ahead
Four months have passed since my last entry and almost seven since she passed. It feels longer. I'm still riding the roller coaster of emotions and still feeling that paralyzing grasp. I want to return to my normal self, but seem to be held at a gridlock of grief. Some days are better than others, but for the most part I feel so lonely and defeated ( Read more... ) -
Gone forever
A part of me seems to have died with the passing of my mother. It's difficult to explain, but I don't feel like myself at all. The world - my world has become so bleak. A lot of time has passed since my last post. In between that time I took a trip to Japan, entertained a friend for a couple of weeks, and have been so utterly crushed by life. The ( Read more... ) -
Comes in Waves
I don't believe there is ever a right time to lose a parent; it doesn't matter if you are twenty or sixty - the pain is indescribable. It's been one week since shes passed and I have been hit my pretty much every emotion one could possibly feel. I have felt anger, depressed, happy, loved, considered, deluded, restless, alienated, introverted, ( Read more... ) -
Broken Rock
She passed away yesterday at 7:40 AM on a Wednesday. I'm still in shock eventhough I knew it was coming. I woke up at 7:30 to my normal routine. I would always wake up, make coffee, sit outside and smoke a cigarette for about 15 minutes and then return to wake my mom up at 8 AM for her meds. She was well aware of this as well, since we had been ( Read more... ) -
Numb
She is still here, despite being on day 16 for not eating and day 10 for not drinking. I'm not quite sure what she is holding onto. I have been so sad lately. I can't stop crying, but this new Pokemon Go is quite the distraction. Late at night, I roam around, sometimes up to three hours. It's my escape. I don't have many people I can talk to and am ( Read more... ) -
Holding On
I cannot believe my mother is still here. She has not eaten for 14 days nor drank anything for 8. She has been in a coma for the last week. I am still talking to her and trying to spend as much time as I can near her, but to be honest it has become quite depressing. I try to make sure she is comfortable and have been making flower arrangements from ( Read more... ) -
Firsts and Lasts
I'm not exactly sure how my mother is still hanging on. In 12 days she has not eaten anything and has drank scarcely, nothing of sustaining amounts. Eighteen out of my twenty-four hours are by her side. Sometimes it can be scary as I'm not exactly sure if I am doing everything she needs. She has loss her ability to speak for the most part, yet ( Read more... ) -
Coming to an End
I finally have a chance to sit down to write down some of my thoughts. Since starting hospice care my mother's condition has drastically declined. She is at the stage where it is only a matter of days. It's difficult to fathom life without her. She has been a major part of my life and an extreme influence on many decisions. For example, I don't ( Read more... ) -
Appreciate the Present
I have been having a difficult time with grasping reality. The last five days I have spent at my mother's side without leaving her. Andrew and I are her sole care takers, but he had a five day trip planned with one of his friends. It helps having someone here to help tend to her needs. These past five days have allowed me to enjoy what little time ( Read more... ) -
Meaning to Post.
It's not like it matters, but I've been meaning to post something here for a while. Things have been a bit hectic as of late ( Read more... )