I'm back I guess

[forever_alone]

I should finally actually make this post. I've been putting it off because it's fucking shitty to have to write this at all. But I have to come back eventually. I'm a terrible LJ friend to you guys. It's not nearly as easy as it used to be to write in this thing

Comments

[gamerchick]

I know that words hardly ease the pain at a time like this, especially coming from a relative stranger, but I am so sorry for your loss.

[forever_alone]

Thank you, truly, thank you. It does mean so much that you comment. I feel so guilty and stupid rereading this post, but I guess I needed to say it... I just wish any of it made any difference for her. I wish she was here...

[xxforsakenlovex]

V, My heart breaks to hear this saddening news. I know how devastating this is and I too still struggle with losing a grandmother, especially one that you know you can go to no matter what the reason and when they're gone, it feels like a part of you is gone.

Just know that your family and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[forever_alone]

Thank you so much, and I'm sorry for your loss too. I hate how something as positive as loving someone can turn into something this painful when they're gone from your life. This was the first person I've ever lost to death, so it's new territory for me. It scares the shit out of me that we'll probably have to deal with this again within the next few years with my grandpa... he's not doing too well either.

[distorted_r]

I'm so sorry. I've just read this...and I can't even start to tell you how much I sympathize. I will eventually go through the same thing (maybe not the same reason of death) because of the closeness to my own grandmother, but it is never real and imaginable until it happens to you

[forever_alone]

Thank you, I read this comment the other day when I was feeling particularly upset and it really helped pick me up. It's terrible that we have to lose our loved ones this way... I've always had a fixation on and fascination with death, but like you said, until now it was never truly real for me. Losing her in such a traumatic way is what has made it so difficult to even THINK of moving on yet. If I ever am emotionally able to post the full story of what happened, ugh... it really is terrible what all our family went through during these last months. We thought hard about filing a lawsuit, but ultimately we don't have the funds to invest in what would be a gamble at best. We didn't keep enough documentation of the events, we're not sure who to even level all or most of the blame at, etc. There's definitely shady bullshit that should be answered for, but going up against the medical industry when you're not emotionally or financially prepared is a fool's errand IMO

[distorted_r]

I'm glad that scary stage is over. Yes, from what I understand the first death of a person you are really close to changes your life forever. I'm terrified of it. My own grandmother says that you finally do "accept" but you never truly forget or get over it. It just hurts less and less and less as the time goes by. I believe that is the case. It's something that will either make you or break you when it comes to living the rest of your life. I just hate the facts of it. Its fucked up, and I believe in no god, nor eternity, at least not the eternity of memories and feelings. I know I will always regret things that I didn't do with her. hell, I regret that even now because I know realistically the years and circumstances (money) do not allow us to do everything we want with our grandparents before they go.

I respect you strength . You've gone through a lot of shit, and you'll get through this too. I do have to wonder why people fear a hell, when then greatest misery lies right here, just going through the natural stages of life?

[forever_alone]

One little tidbit of justice - my grandpa is refusing to pay several of the gigantic medical bills, especially the one for the aforementioned shithead surgeon's 2nd and 3rd surgeries. I'm a little afraid for what could happen if he really refuses to pay a single cent, but I admire the hell out of him for standing up for his wife in such a way.

[dorvie]

I know this is extremely late, and really, I'm not so great at comforting people. Maybe you'll believe me, maybe you wont, but I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I know how much your grandmother mean't to you. I let my mom know, and she sends her condolences as well. She says she was such a nice lady and was very sorry for the way that she died.

Your family is in our thoughts.

[forever_alone]

I thought I replied to this before, hmm... anyway, it's okay that it was late, I appreciate your comment just as much now as I would have if it had been here the day I made this post. Just knowing that you're thinking of me makes me feel better, it really does. Of course I believe you. Thank you and your mom both for your condolences, it means a lot not just to me but to my mother and father too. You have a good heart, always have; I really miss being closer to you. I'm not sure I'm capable of closeness with anyone anymore... but I sure hope we can talk more often in the near future, like how we used to. I never see you on AIM anymore - did you make a new screenname?

[dorvie]

Sorry for such a long delay, but I did make a new AIM name. I've had it for a while, but I haven't been on AIM as often since my laptop charger broke. I missed your call the other day, I was at work. I would have loved to talk to you, I called back but no answer. I know the phone has never been your favorite method of communication, but you're welcome to call again anytime.

I know you may not want to see me, but I'll be in Austin October 18th - October 27th. I'll be there with Mel, but if you want to hang out, just us, I'd be more than happy to see you.