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So, here I am again, over two years down the line, over two stone heavier, and wishing I could rip it all away. I stare at myself like a part of me is alien, like it doesn't belong here. I feel like an insane person - I pinch myself so hard I leave red weals on my skin, I punch my gut so strongly that it feels I've been in a bar brawl.
I can't ( Read more... ) -
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I look at my last entry and I laugh.
Eating disorders never let you go. -
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What a lot of time since I have posted.
And what a lot has changed.
I still have some manic episodes, and I still overthink my weight, but I'm coming to terms with the person I am, inside and out.
I KNOW I don't look bad. There is still a feeling of constantly wanting to improve, and belittling comments in my head, but deep in my heart, I know that I ( Read more... ) -
this feels good to write down.
i should mention that this post contains abuse, graphic SI, and purge related topics. don't read if you are likely to be triggered
my memories of a very early age are not particularly clear but i do remember that i was never particularly a happy child
i remember that i was popular in my first school, and then moved, and everything changed
i don't ( Read more... ) -
fear
today would have felt like a good day except i was supposed to fast
but i got to around 8pm and i was due to watch a film with my friends and that means unhealthy food with them usually
so i thought, shall i pig out or shall i eat something i can control so i can say "no thanks" to popcorn or whatever
so i had: homemade tomato and lentil soup, but ( Read more... ) -
don't call me crazy
i love my boyfriend so much, but sometimes he puts me down without realising it is an extremely bad thing for him to do
he's noticed a change in me recently as i have truthfully become more obsessive about my weight and i've begun to let it show (before i was quite careful to keep it under wraps). i pull at my stomach without even thinking of it, i ( Read more... ) -
fairy godmother
there are so many things that i want, that all circle round the same thing
i want food but i want it to contain nothing bad, no calories, they are the enemy and i can't defeat them
i want to be able to eat what i want, when i want, and look like a supermodel
i feel like it is a need i have, and nobody understands why i can't eat the biscuit they ( Read more... ) -
a new day
i feel slightly better today, i think. i still don't want to eat. i don't have the self-control to eat nothing, and my boyfriend would break up with me if i did...i was doing so well on this before i saw him off work, i was averaging around 500-600 a day, which is still a bit too much, but it was all i could manage without fainting. i'm trying to ( Read more... ) -
gnawing
i don't know where i'm going with this
everybody tells me i'm perfect, i'm womanly, i have curves they would die for. they can die for them. if they had them they'd hate them too. fat covers my hips, which jut out - i want them to look masculine, emaciated. they make me look f a t
my breasts are too big, like bloated balloons, every man's dream, ( Read more... )