I'm not sure if I should say.. "I'm sorry" or "You're welcome"

[fr0w]

I really don't think I have what it takes to put myself out there. Every time I do, all I can remember are all the times I've done before and failed... and I stop dead in my tracks. Yes, I've thought about it all those before too.. but I've drudged through, convincing myself, "This time it'll be different, I'll be different, I'll do well.. maybe

Comments

[youwhowereborn]

When I started to give up on my dreams, I learned how to function/survive better, but I had stopped looking for any kind of larger picture to inspire me. I don't know if you were reading my LJ when I had a sort of religious awakening in the spring... I had gone into something very happy and open, with no expectations, completely satisfied just to take it as it was. And in so doing it escalated into something more amazing and life-changing

[fr0w]

yeah i remember reading that, sometimes I envy people who can find power in something like that, i just know it's not for me.

Usually i don't give a fuck, but sometimes it hits me and all I can think about is how useless and pointless this all is, and like you said we all have to die but sometimes I don't really think thats the worse thing that can happen to you, especially if you believe in some higher power and that power will take you in when you die. But I really don't care what happens to me if anything happens to me.. I just care about now, and how to figure this all out before I'm too old to do anything about it.

[youwhowereborn]

There has to be an element of risk. The project I've been working on (which is not my "ultimate dream", just something interesting that has carried me along for the last few years) has never really made sense logically, but it has worked out in practical and mysterious ways, like weird luck/coincidences mixed with daily work/effort. No one ever really did or said anything to make any real difference. You have to make friends with risk and the unknown, because it is never going to make perfect sense in your head BEFORE it all comes together (or falls apart). You can't think your way through it... sometimes you have to let go and see what happens. If you hate doing something, don't let anyone force you to do it. If you love something, don't let anyone keep you from doing it. It will work itself out without your master planning. Just listen to your gut and ignore everyone/everything else. The further you go, the simpler it gets. It doesn't need to be super complicated to work

[youwhowereborn]

Also, I am never one to believe anything on anyone else's authority unless I am totally persuaded of it on many levels. I can be super skeptical and critical. I am more easily persuaded by firsthand accounts than by people giving their general views/analyses of things. So I didn't really believe in miracles as a phenomenon, and then I remember watching a story about a family who lost their three children in a car accident and then later got pregnant with a set of triplets, and I was like "well that seems pretty goddamn miraculous." And then looking at my own family history, it seems insanely unlikely that I would even be here on earth, given everything that was wrong and fucked up with everyone involved