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[frailing]

Catching my reflection in the mirror to my right, seeing my face parsed into Picasso-esque pieces: cheeks and chin out of proportion, eyes pasted on at random. At long last, I was completely alone.

- Hornbacher, WastedI have a vague understanding of what I look like, but I am unable to get a sense of the bigger picture. I agree and disagree with

Comments

[dannygirl3]

"I have a vague understanding of what I look like, but I am unable to get a sense of the bigger picture. I agree and disagree with various constructions of myself at various times."I imagine most people must look at themselves and feel some sense of ownership. I get no such feeling. I view my body as an ectoplasmic entity, immaterial, prone to metamorphosis, only vaguely recognizable at times. I dress it up, or not, depending on my mood. I wear make-up, or not, depending on my mood. I may succumb to moments of intense femininity, which may lean toward innocent or provocative, depending on my mood. I may do none of this, opting for a thick, gray hoodie and a bowed head that hides my entire identity

[frailing]

I view my body as an ectoplasmic entity, immaterial, prone to metamorphosis, only vaguely recognizable at times. I dress it up, or not, depending on my mood.

May I ask how your eating disorder "started"? I think I actively started trying to lose weight in part because I wanted my body to match my mind--or perhaps vice versa; I wanted to appear ascetic, lean, hawkish, which was the sort of temperament I craved. Yet at the same time it was in part wanting to match a mental image of myself to the real thing; and I felt that my facial features (which are dark and somewhat forbidding) should match a gaunt body. So with your eating disorder, are you trying to erase your physical self or are you trying to alter it in some way but keep it. Or something else.

You are always coherent, but it wouldn't really matter whether you are or not, because my philosophy is that meaning can be derived from anything, even if the original intention was to communicate a different kind of meaning.

[vestural]

unfortunately we can't change some aspects of our bodies, no matter how much weight we lose. we can try as hard as we can and it still won't change. :/

you probably remember me complaining so much about how so many people at homewood were telling me i should model. they meant it as a compliment but it was scathing. i wanted to yell at them too.

[frailing]

Yeah, I think I've accepted a lot about my body, but there are days where I'm just really frustrated about it all and last night I needed to vent. ♥ But in a way it sucks that I've come to this acceptance when I am an unhealthy weight. If I gain any weight my perception will go from back-and-forth-neutral to full-on negative. How are you doing, yourself?

I think people telling ED people they should model, including myself, peeves me from a logical, experiential standpoint, too. I know a lot about the modeling world, and it's so freaking stupid that people think that all it takes to be a model is to be thin and pretty/unusual-looking. You need to have an intuitive feel for how to position your body, which I lack completely, and you also have to have the right proportions, which I generally lack too. In theory, I think people grasp in me what they think a model should be, which is a stylish, thin person, but I would not be good at the actual photographic part. When people say certain people should model, it's more that they

[vestural]

i know what you mean. even from having "America's Next Top Model" around, you'd think more people would understand that there is a lot more to modeling than having the right look. and not everyone wants that kind of attention. ugh.

i was reread your entry before replying to your comment here and this part stuck out to me:

The one thing that remains unchanged is my belief that people are disgusted by me and want me to disappear.i've always felt the same way, that people must just be revolted by me and want me dead. one of the biggest things i've learned in the past few months, going into depression treatment and everything, is that no one sees us much differently as they do other people. everyone is so absorbed in their own lives that they don't think about us nearly as much as it may feel. i don't hate anyone as much as i think everyone must hate me. like, you and i aren't hitler or anything. we are just people, just like everyone else, and if we feel like we are that awful, then maybe we have a much different perspective of

[frailing]

we are kind people, smart people, and much much more deserving than we feel. *HUG*

*hugs back* You're completely right. I know objectively I'm not a "bad" or "undeserving" person. I've begun to think that I'm projecting my own self-dislike onto other people. That is, because I don't like myself, I project that emotion onto other people as the default. Do you think this could be the case for you, too?

Anyway, if you didn't already know it, I don't think anything you've ever said or done has ever even annoyed me in the slightest bit. I'm not exaggerating. It would be tough to dislike you, even if I didn't know you very well. There's something so sweet and wonderful about you as a person. I guess I just think you're really special ♥

[readingbooks]

you don't need to feel guilty. you have a disease. the way you see yourself is not how others see you. body dysmorphia is a really terrible thing. it's so frustrating being unable to see the truth. i think you should say this exact statement to your friend. i don't understand why people think it's okay to comment on someone elses appearance. even if they think they are being complimentary.

[frailing]

The thing is, I might be delusional in saying this, but I don't think I have that bad of body dysmorphia. I used to be completely messed up about my appearance a few years ago, but I feel like I've gotten better about it.

But yeah, I should definitely say something to her. It's so hard to actually speak out loud to someone, but she is always making these remarks that are either tinged with jealousy or annoyance and it's really frustrating/angering me, especially when she does it in the presence of other people. The way she talks, she seems more obsessed with weight than I am.

[thinanimous]

hey! you used to be utopia_frailway yes?
I couldn't believe my eyes when I say your journal I thought you left, got better and never returned...
I am so sorry to read you are instead in this place. further down the goddamn rabbit hole. anyway, I'd like to have you as a friend on here again. I love the way you write and I can relate to so much you have been posting. especially this post that is why I chose to put this here. I was always so confused by my appearance as well. I used to hear I was far too skinny all the time, and I could actually see in the mirror the parts of my body that were emaciated.. my arms, my back, my chest, my stomach... but my legs and hips always stayed 'butch' and in a lot of pictures/angles I didn't even look anywhere near thin. It might have to do with the fact we are small and small built...

I really wish things will get better for you anytime soon I know it sounds corny but whatever.

[thinanimous]

Oh my gosh I am sorry haha! I think I made a mistake. It is really weird though, I used to have someone on my friends list with the name utopiafrailway and a balloon icon resembling yours and she went away for a while and made a new journal, and I thought that was you! so sorry!
anyway I really liked reading your journal so the 'add' still stands haha.

[frailing]

Haha, no worries. I just got out of treatment so it's my fault for not replying earlier and correcting the mistake. You seem like an interesting person so I'm definitely going to add you :)

[thinanimous]

Oh that is really good to hear, I hope everything went ok?
I got out of inpatient treatment 4,5 months ago some days it feels like yesterday some days it feels like it never happened.. especially since I am really struggeling again atm.