your words, her silences

Jan 16, 2012 10:48

LJ idol week 10 prompt: sticks and stones.

I grew up as the ugly duckling, the scapegoat, the punching bag. Primary school through high school was filled with people who said terrible things to me, things I can't forget even now.

You little cunt.

If people try to bully me now, I fight back. I can be ruthless in defending myself. But not then: as a child, I was a willow tree, forever bending under the slightest wind. I was shy, a shrinking violet, and it showed. Bullies knew they could get away with torturing the quiet bookish girl because even though she was teacher's pet, she wouldn't tell.

Fatass bitch, no one will ever love you.

They say silence kills. The emotional scars that cover most of my heart are testament to another adage: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Despite being an art model, a circus performer, and a capable public speaker, confidence does not come easily to me. I still don't fully believe it when I hear someone tell me “I love you”. I am holding my breath waiting for everything to be taken away with a handful of words, small as stones. Even small stones can be weapons.

You're so ugly, you don't even deserve friends.

My mom told me that words wouldn't kill me. She's right: words don't kill you. They can scar you, they can haunt you, and they can leave you bleeding in the gutter. But they don't kill you. If I came home sobbing, mom told me to stop being dramatic. I learned to hide behind my hair, wear black, keep my eyes on the horizon. I wouldn't look at people anymore; I looked through them.

You'd be cuter if I shot you in the face.

Just because something doesn't kill you doesn't make it ok. It doesn't mean that you will ever be able to forget.

pacing while prayingyou are beautifuldigging for buried crapwe should all be narcissistsˌɪnkənˈsiːvəbl̩juicy memoriesrelax. breathe. bupkis.a gypsy hearta month of rainup is the new down

high school, family, childhood, lj idol

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