I think I hate the rain and pdx fall/winter? But really I think I just hate those seasons anywhere. I think today I just wanted to be proactive and really went places and walked back and forth and bought nothing. I am 9 days from surgery and I think it will be the longest 9 days ever. I don't know that even saying I am 9 days from surgery is really ( Read more... )

is in total swoon mode..oh c.k.

Sometimes I know that i wonder what if to much. but what if? because sometimes I still miss you so much and I wonder what if about a lot. I want that life but it wasn't the timing I wish something could have been worked out.

why do i feel so crazy? Is it just a phase in time? because I am starting to hope so. I am over thinking everything..I am being paronid about myself in every possible way. Why? I was looking at pictures of me from the past year and i just didnt care. I need to get back to that. I need to like myself again and I am going to do everything I can to do ( Read more... )

I dont know how to put myself first. Until it's to late and then I want to and it will hurt people. So I am sort of always fucked. As much as all i have ever wanted to do is be alone and be on my own and free. I have to chance to do that now to an extent and can't. I alway just get to scared. I don't know how to not depend on someone for really ( Read more... )

and sometimes i still want to run. not from her. from people places things..sometimes just to do it. i just dont know how.

I have had this journal for a long time and in a way it's good and in a way not bad just weird. I have recently been using it to look at sites for info for working out and stuff. I am trying to get all buff. No not really but I have started going to the gym. Just in a time of worrying often and being stressed it's something that makes me feel ( Read more... )

round and round we go..I have to make things stop or I'll continue to be crazy.
Thank you parents for dinner and being in a good mood and having good talks with your son and also for calling me your son. Thank you other 2 people who will remain nameless just for being you and always making me feel not so insane.