{btob; sungjae/peniel} journey to the heart (ii)
Title: journey to the heart, part ii/ii
part one
They sleep through the entire morning and into the afternoon, finally getting up around three, starving but happy. After grabbing one last meal in Sokcho, they hit the road again, this time headed towards Busan on the southern coast.
It's a bigger distance to cover than it was from Seoul to Sokcho, and by the time night falls, they have to concede to the fact that driving practically the entire length of this half of the Korean peninsula is clearly impossible in half a day. Even with their early start on the next day, Sungjae finds himself in mid-evening staring at what looks like the same stretch of Highway 55, directed towards Daegu, and Donggeun says out loud, "We're crazy." It's the first time either of them had spoken all day.
"Yeah," Sungjae agrees, "we're crazy. And Busan is far." His shoulders feel stiff from being in the same position for so long, but Donggeun drove so much this morning that he doesn't want to switch off just yet.
He almost wants to suggest just stopping in Daegu and calling it a day. Neither of them expected that all of this driving would be so taxing - especially with all of the public transport roads crowding, criss-crossing, and sometimes even overtaking the roads for the automobiles - but Daegu would put them behind their informal itinerary, and Sungjae packed his swim trunks for a reason. There are so many things he still wants to do.
"Let's keep going," Donggeun says, as if he knows exactly what Sungjae is thinking. "Do you want to switch?"
"No, not yet," Sungjae answers. His efforts are paid off that night when they spot the Busan Tower in the distance, the entire expanse before them glittering with city lights as if in welcome. Once they're close enough to the city, they find an open parking lot whose sleepy-eyed supervisor will let them stay nights and immediately knock out in their beds, sleeping deeper than they ever have for a long time.
The next morning, they find a little diner that serves them the city's specialty juk, a delicious type of porridge that Sungjae and Donggeun begin to inhale immediately once it's cool enough to eat. There's really nothing that tastes like this back in Seoul. "What should we do today?" Sungjae asks when he stops to take a sip of water.
Donggeun fishes one of the ice cubes out of Sungjae's cup when Sungjae puts it back down, the ones in his own already melted or eaten. "We could go see the tower," he says thoughtfully, crunching on the ice. "I know you wanted to go to the beach, and it's not peak season right now so we should be fine."
"Beach, please," Sungjae says eagerly and lets Donggeun take another of his ice cubes.
"We can go in the afternoon when it's low tide, that'll be around two in the afternoon. So we can still go to the tower," Donggeun says.
Sungjae agrees. When they finish their porridge and pay, they drive to Yongdusan Park and easily find the tower, which stretches highest into the sky compared to all of the surrounding buildings of the city. The first floor includes a souvenir shop that Sungjae and Donggeun browse, finding gifts for the other BTOB members and the managers and staff back home in Seoul; however overpriced they are, it's worth it. A little piece from the other side of South Korea.
An elevator ride takes them to the top; both of them had turned down the thought of climbing any stairs. Although the musical instruments museum is closed on this day of the week, to both Sungjae and Donggeun's disappointment, they're able to browse the tower's observatory for 4,000 won each. Standing at the top of the tower, staring out at the sprawling city of Busan where thousands of people are going to school and work and living out their everyday lives... It makes Sungjae feel very small.
When he says so, Donggeun doesn't look away from the windows when he replies, "That's kind of good, don't you think? We're so used to being idols, our worlds revolve around us every day. In Chicago, I was just a normal high schooler. Here, I'm just a tourist."
And that is the point of their vacation. But Sungjae kind of feels sad, looking at Donggeun looking out at the city of Busan reduced to rows and rows of the tiny, identical square buildings, dots of vehicles moving along grey road lines. Does Chicago look anything like this from above, too? "Don't think about that kind of thing. What's done is done," he says softly. It doesn't seem like Donggeun hears him.
Once they've seen their fill, they go back to the trailer and Sungjae guns the engine to drive straight down to the coast, parking in the lot directly adjacent to the famous Haeundae Beach. Climbing out of the Jeep, he just barely manages to catch the baseball cap on his head from flying away in a gust of ocean winds and hurries into the trailer to put it away, coming out changed into his swim trunks and wifebeater, tinted sunglasses on his face. "Shin Donggeun!" he shouts, arms akimbo at the sight of Donggeun still in the passenger seat, staring out at the ocean; they are the only ones in the parking lot, surrounded by the silent bodies of other people's cars. "Why are you not in your proper beachwear? The sun waits for no one, you know!"
Donggeun rouses himself and opens his car door, flinching when the wind blows sand up against his legs. "Give me a minute," he says, letting Sungjae follow him back into the trailer. As he digs around his duffel bag in search of his own swim trunks, Sungjae lies down on his bunk bed, wiggling around until his face is at the foot of the bed so he can face Donggeun.
"I see it," Sungjae says, "That navy blue thing over there." He vaguely points at it until Donggeun spots it, yanking it out of the corner it's wedged itself into.
"Thanks, man," Donggeun says. He just starts in on working at the buckle of his belt like it's nothing, it really should be nothing, they've seen each other stark naked before countless times in the years they've spent together. But something about the past few days makes Sungjae turn away, lying on his side so he's facing the walls and trying his best to ignore the all-too-telling rustle of fabric behind him. Trying to ignore the hot flush in his cheeks.
His eyes are closed by the time Donggeun finishes up, so he doesn't see it coming when the other boy decides to tackle him. "Done?" Sungjae gasps out from the weight of Donggeun's body across his torso, surprised to see Donggeun feeling so playful after the atmosphere that loomed over them this morning.
"Didn't you want to go to the beach the most?" Donggeun asks, laughing. "We can go now."
They take a picture together with the beach sprawled out behind them, the shot a bit too bright from the sun directly overhead but their smiles are perfect. Sungjae runs back to put their phones away in the trailer so that they won't get lost; when he steps back out of the trailer, he can see Donggeun waiting a distance away, hands deep in his pockets and shoulders lit, chest lit where the towel around his neck fails to shield him. When Donggeun looks up and sees Sungjae, he grins oh so naturally and Sungjae is sorry that there isn't a camera around for him to keep that smile forever, a smile just for him.
During peak season, umbrellas and towels cover every inch of space on the sandy expanse, but there are still a few months until then so Sungjae and Donggeun are able to scope out a quality piece of sand, spreading out their towel to claim it. But when Donggeun starts to sit down, Sungjae yanks him back up by both hands. "We're at the beach, hyung," he says, mock serious, "and you're going to the ocean with me. Got it?"
Donggeun gives him a look, but there's no real annoyance behind it. "Yeah, got it," he says, pulling on the hem of Sungjae's wifebeater. "Let's do it."
Is it like he thinks Sungjae can't do it, even after all these years? Sungjae strips the shirt over his head in open defiance and drops it down on the beach towel, grabbing Donggeun's hand so he won't have to meet Donggeun's eyes just yet and beginning to drag the other boy towards the sea. Once they get close enough to the waters, Sungjae lets go and directs a mischievous smile at Donggeun, saying, "I'll race you. Ready...set..." and taking off first, before "go."
"What, Sungjae, you cheater!" Donggeun shouts before following in suit, but Sungjae's legs are long and the wind is whipping by his ears, coaxing him forward faster and faster. He doesn't see it coming now, even with his eyes open, when Donggeun tackles him from behind and sends them both falling into the ocean spray, salt on Sungjae's tongue and Donggeun's limbs pressing him into the damp sand.
"What was that for? I was winning!" Sungjae demands as he and Donggeun struggle into a sitting position, covered in sand and seawater, lungs aching from how hard he's laughing.
"That's what you get for starting early," Donggeun huffs against his ear, laughing as well when Sungjae's hands tickle into his side to make him squirm fruitlessly away from Sungjae's reach. "If you cheat, I'll never be able to catch up to you, jerk."
They scramble up to their feet at the sight of an approaching wave, which soaks them up to the middle of their thighs despite their hurried retreat. Since they're drenched anyways, Donggeun makes Sungjae give him a piggyback ride as punishment for running first, pressing his soaked chest into Sungjae's back so the other shouts in protest at the cold contact. The wind is blowing harder than they'd like for a beach day, enough so that some visitors are in coats rather than swim suits, but the sun is bright and the sand hot under their feet; Sungjae is just glad that he has a forgotten hair band in his pocket to tie his bangs out of his face, even if Donggeun laughs at him at the sight of it, hard enough to double over at the waist. Which, of course, makes him the prime victim for pushing him into an incoming wave.
"You are so dead," Donggeun threatens when he gets back to his feet. Even his hair is wet this time, seawater painting streaks across the skin that was once dry along his shoulders and back.
"Only if you can catch me!" Sungjae shouts back, hands cupped around his mouth before he takes off in the opposite direction.
After a decisive move that ends up with Sungjae shaking the water out of his hair, the same mouth that teased and catcalled tasting strongly of sea salt, they call a truce and instead decide to search the sands for the prettiest, most complete shells they can possibly find. Donggeun finds the jackpot when he trips and almost cuts his foot on a perfect sand dollar, which he gives to Sungjae. "Thanks, for the candy," he says when Sungjae squats down next to him. "From when we were watching the sunrise at the lighthouse."
Sungjae turns the smooth sand dollar over in his hands, marvelling at the silky surface - all natural. "Thank you," he says, holding his hand out to help Donggeun to his feet so they can go retrieve their towel and get going. Donggeun shakes his hair out of his eyes, the tips of his bangs beginning to dry, and looks up at him with a smile.
They're rinsing the salt out of their hair at the public showers, Donggeun holding the tap down for Sungjae and vice versa, when they're approached by a small cluster of girls who look about high school age, like Jiwon had been. "Excuse me," one of the girls says breathlessly, and both Sungjae and Donggeun look at her. At the sight of their faces, they squeal and giggle furiously.
"Yes?" Sungjae says, letting go of the tap. The water stops running, and Donggeun puts his arms down.
"You're BTOB, aren't you?" the girl in front continues. "Sungjae and Peniel? Could you sign something for us?"
The water running down Sungjae's arm creates a bit of a mess on the flier he's signing, but he digs up his idol smile and chats politely with the fans as he signs each slip of paper hastily - a receipt, the last page of a notebook; it's not like people carry albums around in their free time. He can hear Donggeun doing the same, the other trying his best to keep up with one girl's rapidfire Korean as he signs her paper. She seems to be the only one among the group who actually knows BTOB well enough, asking after Eunkwang and Minhyuk with genuine concern; Sungjae asks for her name, which is Hyejung. He doodles all over her notebook in quiet thanks when it's his turn to sign, which makes her laugh.
"Thank you," Sungjae replies again and again when the girls take their pens and autographs and leave. The quick encounter drains him, reminding him all too bluntly that this is what his life is now no matter how many days he can run away from it all with Donggeun. After their fourteen days, he'll drive with him to Seoul and there will be hours of fansigning events to do this, again and again.
"Hey," Donggeun says, bumping against him. "At least we're not being followed around like we were afraid of. Let's go, okay?"
"Yeah," Sungjae says. They return to the trailer to change into proper casual clothes and head towards Busan, where they take a walk along the famous Haeundae-Dalmaji Road as their hair dries in the light breeze.
"You have flowers in your hair," Donggeun says. He pulls the hair band out of Sungjae's hair to let Sungjae's bangs sit flat on his forehead again, brushing out the fallen cherry blossom petals without noticing the petals in his own hair. Sungjae kind of desperately wants to kiss him, despite the fact that they're in public. And this is Donggeun.
It's Donggeun.
"Aquarium, next?" Donggeun asks before Sungjae can actually do something stupid like kiss his best friend of the past several years in front of all these tourists.
Sungjae's too busy thinking about how he's never been best friends with anyone longer than he's been with Donggeun to say anything just yet. He had to drop all of his friendships with the people from school when being an idol started taking over his life, but there was always Donggeun there at his side, Donggeun to sing to whenever they had karaoke nights right in the dance practice rooms, Donggeun to accompany him on long car and airplane rides for overseas schedules. Donggeun here, with him, on the biggest trip he's ever had in his entire life. Of course it's Donggeun, he thinks to himself. How could it be anyone else?
"Sungjae? Aquarium?" Donggeun asks again.
"Sure," Sungjae says at last, waving away Donggeun's look of concern.
The aquarium is better than Sungjae expects, the cool blue walls rising around them calming, the creatures inside of them fascinating; they can spend hours in the fish exhibit halls alone. Maybe it's because they're actually underground, two or three floors down. Walking along the seabed tunnel in the third underground floor is like being cut off from the rest of the world.
"Come on," Donggeun laughs, tugging on Sungjae's wrists. "They're going to feed the sea otters soon, and I want to see it."
"Donggeun hyung, have you seen this one?" Sungjae says, staring openly at the rocky spikes on an orange and white fish swimming low along the tank floor. It's bigger than Sungjae's head but faster than it should be, by all means, judging from its size.
Donggeun squats to look at it with Sungjae, making a sound of appreciation. "Very cool."
They look at it for a few moments longer before Donggeun looks at his watch and drags Sungjae to the sea otter exhibit, where they join an eager crowd to see the playful animals eat their dinner. "Look at that!" Donggeun exclaims when an otter catches one of the fish in its paws, pointing at it with childish excitement.
"I'm looking, I'm looking," Sungjae says, and turns his eyes away from Donggeun's profile to watch the otters like everybody else.
After walking through the whale and shark exhibits, they buy matching little dolphin keychains in the gift shop, even though Sungjae very seriously considers buying all of the stuffed animals of the sea creatures at the aquarium. They take the metro back out to where they parked the Jeep, and Donggeun drives them to the Dongnae district so they can visit Heoshimcheong Spa.
"Welcome to the largest hot spring-fed spa in Asia," chirps the woman at the reception desk. Their last entry hour is nine in the evening, so they've made it with time to spare.
The bath house employees point them towards the locker rooms, white and clean like the rest of the building. "We don't go to these places often at home, huh?" Sungjae asks. "I haven't been to a bath house since I was a kid."
"We don't really have these in Chicago," Donggeun murmurs, politely averting his eyes from the blatantly naked man that passes by.
Sungjae doesn't know how to reply, so they just go on and enter the baths, agreeing to the rubdown and exfoliation session for starters. Sometime during the session, Sungjae closes his eyes and vaguely realizes the guy massaging the muscles in his back could just as easily snap his leg with the strength in his hands and arms.
"Cherry bath, mud bath, or one of the extremes?" Donggeun asks when they stumble away from the massage tables. Sungjae feels pleasantly warm, forgetting that they're all standing stark naked on the floor of baths and spas. It's a culture thing, after all, he tells himself when he notices the nervous set of Donggeun's shoulders.
"Cherry?" he picks randomly.
The bath boasts a large statue, mouth open to let the red-tinged water pour into the water of the main bath. It's comfortably warm so they lounge there for quite a while, their home base after they melt their skins off in the sauna only to freeze them back on in the cold bath; only Sungjae is brave enough to try the outdoor cold bath, but only lasts about three minutes before he's yelping and darting back inside. "It's colder than Antarctica out there," he protests, trying to push Donggeun outside to try it too. They end up in the cherry bath, soaking until their fingers prune up and they're told to leave, please, the spa is closing.
"I feel refreshed," Sungjae announces as they walk out, now fully clothed and still warm. "I want to go to bed."
Donggeun laughs and bumps his shoulder into Sungjae's. "We have to walk back to the parking lot first," he says.
"Fine," Sungjae says long-sufferingly. He fumbles around his pockets in search for the keys to the trailer, yawning so hard his jaw cracks; Donggeun produces the keys from his own pocket quietly and Sungjae stares blankly at them as Donggeun unlocks the trailer doors. He hadn't realized that Donggeun had taken them sometime along the day.
Donggeun pushes him into the trailer and in the vague direction of their bunk beds, and Sungjae decides it is very fortunate that he chose to take the lower bunk. Less distance between his body and his sleeping place.
There are a few shuffling noises as Donggeun gets ready for bed, Sungjae having flopped onto his mattress and wiggled into his blankets without changing into his pajamas. He can feel himself drifting, his covers pulled up to his chin, but then Donggeun climbs up the ladder to get into his own bunk. It isn't until then that Sungjae realizes he can hear everything - every shift and yawn coming from overhead, from Donggeun's bed.
And suddenly, sleep feels rather far away.
☂
The drive to Gwangju is decidedly shorter, and saner. More than halfway to their destination, as evening is just beginning to fall, Sungjae hears a worrisome sputtering noise come from the direction of the Jeep's engine. Donggeun, who was dozing in the passenger seat for the last couple hours, sits up. "Do you hear that?"
"Yeah," Sungjae says slowly, listening to the Jeep protest increasingly loudly.
Luckily, there's a garage open for repairs 'as long as you can drag your vehicle in here.' Neither of them is very good at fixing cars, but Sungjae manages to pop the hood of the Jeep and peer into the musty, oily interior of the car. Something is smoking.
"It can be fixed," the owner of the garage says thoughtfully once he too takes a look at the damage. "Just a simple part going through some rusting. It'll have to be replaced." There are some more complicated car parts words involved in the explanation that go over Sungjae's head, but he just nods and pulls out his wallet sadly.
"It'll take an hour and a half to replace," Sungjae reports to Donggeun, who is waiting at the door of the trailer, once he finishes talking to the garage owner. "So we might as well find something to do until the Jeep can get running again."
Donggeun frowns in thought and catches onto Sungjae's wrist, yanking him into the trailer. "Can you do something for me?" he requests, a bit awkward; he rarely asks things of Sungjae. The last time he did was for this road trip. The time before that, he asked whether or not he could stay with Sungjae's family for Chuseok, back in September last year.
"What?" Sungjae asks as he watches Donggeun climb up to his bunk and retrieve his notebook from the mess of blankets. Neither of them have bothered to make their beds for the last week.
"You brought your guitar, right?" Donggeun says even though both of them know the answer to his question, the guitar case under Sungjae's bed still untouched.
"Yeah," Sungjae says, to humor him.
"Do you - would you mind playing something with me?" Donggeun asks nervously, gesturing at his notebook.
This shouldn't be something new, it really shouldn't. Sungjae has practiced harmonizations of both voice and instruments with Donggeun - and Eunkwang, and Hyunsik, and Changsub - plenty of times. But he follows Donggeun up into the top bunk and sets his guitar on his knees, tuning it a little as Donggeun fumbles with the pages of his notebook, clearly anxious. Like this is new and different.
"It's a duet," Donggeun says softly. He finds the right page and props the notebook up against a pillow at the foot of the bed, holding his guitar as well. "Do you want to try the first line?"
Sungjae hasn't sight read for a while, but he manages to make it through the first line of guitar chords with only one or two mistakes; reading Donggeun's shorthand comes so easily, even now. They try it together next, Donggeun stopping to make adjustments often, until they've worked the kinks out of the first page and can play it through, together.
Donggeun's knee knocks against Sungjae's when he leans forward to turn the page. There isn't much room on the narrow bed, and they're sharing one of Donggeun's blankets as a shield from the cold night. "Sorry," he says distractedly.
"Don't apologize," Sungjae says. They should be long past things like this after all these years, even with no cameras and no fans around.
"Ah - yeah," Donggeun replies, his voice quiet, a bit distant. He's fixedly looking away from Sungjae's eyes, focused on the scrawled notes they've been playing.
Feeling lost and doubting he has the proper sensitivity to deal with the odd atmosphere weighing on their shoulders, Sungjae asks to change the subject, "Do you have any lyrics yet?"
Donggeun just might be blushing - it's hard to tell in the scarce lighting from the moon filtering into the trailer through the window curtains. None of the lamps are on, and Sungjae doesn't want to get up to turn them on. Not until Donggeun answers him. It feels like he's sinking deeper and deeper into this weird thing that has mutated from their easy-going friendship into something complicated and confusing, but this is still Donggeun and Sungjae sometimes thinks he'd do anything for Donggeun's smile. He's here, isn't he?
"Yes," Donggeun says at last, playing with the corner of the notebook page, "but I haven't...put them to the melody just yet."
Sungjae nods. "Take your time. I'll practice with you whenever you want." He hesitates, then asks, "It's for us, right?"
"Right," Donggeun says softly. "It is."
There's something weighty about that statement that has Sungjae puzzling over it, like Donggeun is trying to tell him something without using all the direct words. Something is there, right in front of his eyes, but he's missing it. A knock on the door makes him jump, upsetting the guitar on his lap so it slides down to his shins. "Yes?" he shouts in the vague direction of the trailer door as he struggles to figure out where to put his feet so he can get off of the top bunk.
"Your Jeep is ready to go!" the man bellows on the other side. Sungjae finally works out his legs and feet and tumbles out of the bunk bed, running his fingers through his hair before opening the door to thank the garage owner in person for the repairs.
By the time they're done talking, Sungjae thanking the man for the wishes for a safe journey to Gwangju, he can hear the wistful sound of guitar chords. Instead of walking outside to resume driving, Sungjae lingers in the doorway of the trailer, listening without turning around. Donggeun is working on Sungjae's part for the bridge of the song, playing in short bursts interrupted by the sound of pencil against paper - it's usually a more streamlined process by the time Donggeun has been working on a song for this long, but he's a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to composing nowadays.
And this is a song for Donggeun and Sungjae. Who is Sungjae to blame him for wanting perfection?
Gwangju rises in the far-off landscape as a dense cluster of city lights, too, but in a different pattern than Busan looked like. They make it to the outskirts of the city before turning in for the night, Sungjae stumbling out of the driver's seat. For once, Donggeun chose to ride in the trailer instead of the Jeep, leaving Sungjae to a drearily silent drive. Maybe Donggeun is avoiding him, as much as is possible when they're travelling so closely together like this, Sungjae thinks.
Nevertheless, Sungjae finds himself humming to the melody of Donggeun's song as he changes into his pajama shirt. Naturally, Donggeun notices, and Sungjae can hear the smile in his voice when he wishes Sungjae good night. They've exchanged good nights every night in the past several years, texting when Sungjae is at home visiting his parents and Donggeun has happened to go to Eunkwang's or someone else's house for the holiday. But usually, he goes to Sungjae's place, brushing his teeth in Sungjae's bathroom and sleeping on a spare mattress on the floor in Sungjae's bedroom, like a sleepover.
"Good night, Donggeun hyung," Sungjae says back. His bed is surprisingly cold without the warmth of Donggeun's leg pressed up against his.
☂
In Gwangju, it seems like the Mudeungsan Provincial Park is a good place to start. With the promise of a gradual, easy slope, they decide to walk the trail up to the top of Cheonwangbong Peak for the much-esteemed view, though they won't be in Gwangju long enough to stay for another sunrise. In the onset of spring, the hills are a rich green, and the air tastes clean and fresh in a way the air in Seoul may never feel again.
When they end up at the bottom again, they visit the Uijae Misulgwan, an art gallery of Heo Baekryun's landscape, flower, and bird paintings. It's rather quiet in the gallery, the atmosphere comfortable as classical music plays from speakers attached to the ceilings. All around them, the landscape is idyllic and peaceful, like out of a fairytale. Even the tea plantation up the trail is not exempt from the magic of the atmosphere.
Sungjae finds Donggeun lingering in front of a screen titled The Four Gentlemen, ink on paper illustrating bamboo, chrysanthemum. "Hey," he says to jerk Donggeun out of whatever reverie he has sunken into.
Donggeun starts and turns to look at him, disoriented. "Yeah?"
"I don't know about you, but I'm starving," Sungjae says. "Let's get lunch."
Donggeun nods in agreement and they take the public bus into Gwangju so they can eat at Minsokchon, which is apparently famous in the area for its galbi. The line is long but they have the time to wait, eventually sitting at a table for two. A waitress walks over to turn their grill on and take their order for meats.
As Donggeun grills the first pieces of meat, Sungjae bounces in his seat excitedly, his mouth positively watering in anticipation. Donggeun watches with amusement as Sungjae puts the first piece of cooked meat into his mouth, Sungjae closing his eyes and chewing exaggeratedly to entertain him. "Delicious," he proclaims dramatically after swallowing. "Like heaven in my mouth."
Donggeun snorts. They dig in, demolishing several platters of meat, and Sungjae takes a break to drink some water when Donggeun excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Only then does he notice the waitresses fluttering around this half of the restaurant, stealing glances toward Sungjae and whispering to each other.
"You're from BTOB, aren't you?" one of them finally approaches him to ask, eyes wide as she takes in Sungjae's face.
Sungjae resists the urge to sigh a little, and nods. By the time Donggeun is back from the bathroom, Sungjae is signing autographs for the waitresses and the restaurant, and passes the pen to Donggeun to do the same. The manager of the store comes out to thank them personally, giving them a discount on the bill in thanks for the boost in publicity. As she brings them their change, Sungjae beckons her closer and whispers, "Do you know of a ferry that'll go overnight to Jeju Island?"
She looks at him in surprise, then across the room at Donggeun, who's checking his phone for text messages as he waits in the doorway, baseball cap pulled over his forehead. "There's a ferry that goes from Mokpo to Jeju that a friend of mine runs," the manager says thoughtfully. "You can book tickets for the ferry online and leave your vehicle in parking for the days you spend in Jeju. The hotel rooms come with in a package if you choose to get that instead."
"Could I do that?" Sungjae asks. Turns out there's a computer in her office for them to use, so Sungjae goes ahead and buys ferry tickets for the next day. He's sure they can make it to Mokpo by tonight, and he knows Donggeun has always wanted to see Jeju anyways.
He quickly makes the payment and thanks the manager profusely before running back out to join Donggeun. "What was the hold-up?" Donggeun asks, putting his phone away.
"Think we can get to Mokpo by today?" Sungjae asks him in reply, unable to help the grin that spreads across his face.
Donggeun looks at him a bit suspiciously, a bit indulgently. "In two hours of driving, maybe. What did you just do?"
Sungjae starts walking towards the bus stop, feeling Donggeun fall into step beside him, and says nonchalantly, "What do you think about visiting Jeju Island?"
"You didn't," Donggeun says, and Sungjae is glad that he turned around to see Donggeun's expression, shocked and impressed.
"Ferry leaves tomorrow morning," he replies smugly, "so we better get going."
The bus ride takes them back out to the park, where the Jeep and trailer are waiting. The stretch of road between Gwangju and Mokpo is one of the shorter ones, ending with a parking lot along the waterfront in the Hadang area. That night, they sleep with the sounds of the harbor around them, anticipation almost palpable in the air.
The morning that greets them in Mokpo is foggy and overcast, and a light rain is falling by the time Sungjae and Donggeun make it to the ferry, duffel bags carrying two days' worth of clothing in preparation for their little detour. In waiting for the ferry, they're one of the first ones at the passenger terminal, so they take pictures together shamelessly to pass the time, Donggeun laughing at the weird faces Sungjae makes every time either of them clicks the shutter button.
After check-in, the two of them settle in for a three hour-long trip. It's a mostly uneventful journey, Donggeun falling asleep on Sungjae's shoulder after half an hour of staring at the ocean passing by around them and Sungjae cringing in sympathy when he sees some of the other passengers on the ferry suffering from seasickness. Thankfully, neither of them feels too squeamish, and they arrive in Jeju City without any trouble.
The hotel is nice enough, their room on the third floor furnished with two beds and a television, wall curtains opening up to a neat balcony. Sungjae drops his things on the ground and turns to Donggeun, asking eagerly, "Beach?"
"Already?" Donggeun asks, flopping onto one of the beds. "It's still kind of cloudy. Do you want to do something else first and go to the beach when the sun comes out?"
After talking to the people at the front desk of the hotel, they end up at the Olle walking trails to take in the impressive vistas that Jeju Island has to offer: cliffs of rock, eroded away by ocean waves, and majestic waterfalls rise up before them at each trail marker. By the time they finish the southern coastline trail to Sunrise Peak, the sun has come out again, Sungjae squinting up at the sky happily. "It's the sun!" he shouts at the sky, his arms wide open; Donggeun, standing beside him with his hand up to shield his eyes, just laughs and nods.
They stop back at the hotel to change into their swim trunks and to grab a towel for the beach. It's a tough decision between the Samyang, Jungmun, or Iho beaches, but they eventually settle on taking a taxi to the western side of Jungmun Beach, away from the crowds. The sand is pale and fine, quickly finding the cracks and holes in Sungjae's shoes and settling between his toes, and the sea stretches out before them in a gorgeous expanse of blue.
Sungjae manages to persuade Donggeun to take a two-hour surfing lesson with him, which turns out to be the best kind of disaster. Their instructor is infinitely patient despite all of the times they fall off of their surfboards, and Sungjae flails in the ocean waters even after their session on land and watches jealously as the man easily rides one of the bigger waves back to shore, as if his body is part of the sea and it's easier than breathing to move in synchronization with it. Sungjae and Donggeun, being from the city, flounder around and try their best.
By the end of the lesson, Donggeun has successfully surfed for longer than three seconds, but Sungjae keeps falling off before he can stand properly on the board. "It's because my legs are long," he complains, clinging to the board as Donggeun paddles back out to where Sungjae is. Their instructor has gone back already, bidding them both good luck with their surfing.
"You're rushing," Donggeun offers. "You keep trying to get onto the board before the rest of your body can catch up, but if you slow down, it'll be easier."
When the wave comes in again, Sungjae tries out Donggeun's advice and manages to stand upright. He cheers and flails his arms in celebration and ends up wiping out halfway to the shore, falling back into the water with a splash. "I was so close!" he wails when he surfaces, saltwater plastering his hair to his forehead. There's a tug to his ankle from the leash as the surfboard starts to drift away, and he frantically swims to reclaim it.
Donggen laughs, his arms propping him up on his surfboard as he drifts towards where Sungjae is sulking. "You want to head back?"
"No," Sungjae says determinedly. "I want to try again."
It takes another hour out on the waves before Sungjae finally organizes his limbs and gets the hang of it. By then, Donggeun is good enough that he hasn't fallen for the past hour and has moved on to more complicated maneuvers, but Sungjae is counting the fact that he is actually surfing as a success in itself, despite all the times he is still losing his balance once he stands. But he's also recovered it a few times, so he's pretty proud of himself.
"Last one?" Donggeun asks as they paddle back out to sea. The sun is beginning to set upon the horizon, and the droplets of water on Donggeun's arms glisten orange, peach, yellow. His hair is already dry, and he looks so handsome.
Ignoring the kick of his heart in his chest, Sungjae nods and gives him a thumbs up, turning around to watch as the wave begins to roll in. They both manage to stand up properly, coasting back to shore until the water recedes into sand and Sungjae stumbles off onto the beach with an exhilarated shout. "We did it!"
Donggeun holds his hand up for a high-five, grinning broadly, that Sungjae easily returns. They turn in their boards and safety vests to the guy lounging around the rental station and pay for the extra hour they added, and then Donggeun wipes his hands on their towel so he can take his phone out from his shoe and preserve the day with yet another picture.
The Jeju sunset is brilliant behind them, and most of the beachgoers have moved to higher ground to watch the sun from a better vantage point, so their stretch of the beach is quiet in its emptiness. Sungjae can feel the water lick at his heels every so often as he directs his gaze at the camera, but he isn't worried enough to move further up the beach yet. They're soaked through already from the surfing, anyways.
"Smile," Donggeun reminds him.
"I'm smiling," Sungjae protests and puts on his best grin for the camera. Donggeun drapes his arm around Sungjae's shoulders and Sungjae clicks the shutter, capturing the image of his face and Donggeun's face so close together, and thinks about how he's never wanted anything more than this.
He is quiet on the way back to the hotel via taxi, playing with a loose thread along the right thigh of his swim trunks. They're sitting on a towel so that the taxi seats won't get too wet, and Donggeun's body is warm next to his own.
He follows as Donggeun walks into the hotel, and lets Donggeun press the button to summon the elevators, even though he was so terribly excited to do it earlier in the day when they'd first arrived at the hotel. In the elevator, he can feel Donggeun's concerned gaze on the side of his face, but he just stares at the mirroring walls of the elevator and sees himself next to Donggeun - a bit taller, seeing as Donggeun has never caught up those last few centimeters even after all this time, but not as broad because no matter how many times Sungjae went to the gym, Donggeun had already gotten there first, earbuds in to block out the rest of the world.
He remembers one December morning about a year into their careers as BTOB members that just he and Donggeun had gone to the beach, a commemoration picture for Twitter unlike the pictures this time, which are first and foremost for themselves. It had been overcast that day, too, and the sun had refused to come out no matter how Sungjae pleaded at the sky. Neither of them had their swimsuits on hand, either, since there was no time with how they were to be rushed to their next schedule by the end of the hour, but Sungjae and Donggeun had taken their shoes off and basked at the feeling of sand under their feet as they walked around the shore. He had been wearing white and Donggeun black - one of those v-neck shirts that he's always been fond of, even with how much the collars reveal - on that day, constantly checking whether or not his cap was still on his head or not. When they had stood to take the picture together, making sure the ocean landscape was visible behind them, Donggeun's shoulder had been warm against Sungjae's chest despite the cold wind blowing around them. Had this feeling begun then? Or had it been even earlier?
The elevator dings to alert them that they have reached the third floor. When they get back to their room, Donggeun doesn't push him, instead changing into a loose pair of basketball shorts and going out onto the balcony to hang up his wet swim trunks. "Sungjae?" he calls from outside.
"Yeah?" Sungjae answers. He's standing in the middle of their hotel room on Jeju Island, unsure with what to do with himself. This trip had come about because they'd wanted it. Because Donggeun wanted to do this for the sights and the memories, and because Sungjae is afraid enough that things will change, that Eunkwang and Minhyuk leaving meant the end of a chapter of his life, that even if everyone comes back from the military, BTOB will never be the same, that he'll run away from it all.
Running away hasn't changed anything. They will still need to serve their time in the military and any day now, one of them can get into another car accident and everything will be different. Maybe it'll be Ilhoon on the way back from filming his drama or maybe it'll even be them, on the way back to Seoul, and Sungjae will never have told Donggeun anything, not a single Thanks for being my best friend, hyung, not even the beginnings of the feelings inside of his chest whenever he looks at Donggeun's smile in the sunlight.
Donggeun walks back into the room and Sungjae turns his head to look at him, illuminated merely by the lamps in the room, but the feelings are still there. Maybe they've always been there, but Sungjae just never noticed them because of schedule after schedule after schedule demanding his attention.
"Hyung," he says when Donggeun tries to talk. His voice sounds kind of strangled, oddly tight.
"Sungjae, are you okay?" Donggeun asks, reaching out to touch Sungjae's arm lightly. He's a touchy person like that, his fondness for skinship just one of the many facets of Peniel's image, and Sungjae has always felt comfortable when he's with Donggeun. Like it was never the trailer that was home for all this time, but being with Donggeun.
There might have been words, trapped in Sungjae's throat in a strange way - talking and singing have never been a problem before, but his voice fails him now, when he needs it more than ever. Instead, he catches onto Donggeun's hand and pulls him forward, thinking about how BTOB will end, how they might come to a day where they'll walk away from each other to live the rest of their lives, and Sungjae isn't sure whether he'll be able to find his way without Donggeun at his side. He's been spoiled by his years in BTOB, and he's selfish enough that he's going to try to hold onto this.
"Donggeun," Sungjae manages, and thinks to himself that hopefully Donggeun will overlook his use of banmal in light of the situation when he leans in to kiss Donggeun.
It's short, mostly because Sungjae's brain catches up to his body to pull him back and he's never realized how small Donggeun is in his arms until this moment; he's pretended to kiss Donggeun plenty of times throughout their careers, but this is starkly different. Maybe this is all a mistake, he thinks, maybe things work differently in Chicago and Donggeun will never want to speak to him ever again. "Sorry," he says first, squeezing his eyes closed tightly.
"Why are you apologizing?" Donggeun demands, and he looks actually annoyed for once, a strange emotion where he is usually easy-going and cheerful.
Before Sungjae can register what his annoyance might possibly mean, for them and for Sungjae himself, Donggeun is pulling his head back down, his lips warm and slightly chapped against Sungjae's. They're kissing again, Sungjae realizes, his hands naturally finding their way to Donggeun's hips and pulling him closer so their bodies are pressed against each other. This is really happening to him. He closes his eyes again.
When they break apart, it's because of Donggeun, so Sungjae panics and tries to figure out what he did wrong as Donggeun steps back, away from him. "It's your swim trunks," Donggeun explains, gesturing at the wet patches that have newly bloomed along the thighs of his own shorts. "They're still wet."
"Oh," Sungjae says. "Oops. My bad."
Donggeun sends him off to change his shorts and hang his swim trunks outside as he changes into yet another pair of shorts, this time dry. Sungjae walks back into the room a few minutes later to find Donggeun brushing his teeth in the bathroom; he tastes of mint when Sungjae kisses him again, Sungjae pressing him into the bed and both of them laughing when their noses bump.
"Took you long enough," Donggeun mumbles when Sungjae draws back to catch his breath, a while later, once Sungjae too has brushed his teeth and prepared for bed. "I even wrote a song for us, come on."
Sungjae feels like his heart is light enough to lift him into the night sky, but he'd rather be here on Earth, with Donggeun and his Donggeun's hands on Sungjae's back and Donggeun's slightly kiss-swollen lips. "You finished the lyrics, then?"
"Of course," Donggeun says. "But I doubt that we'll be putting this song on the next album."
"That's fine with me," Sungjae says, pressing his lips to the cut of Donggeun's jaw and feeling more than seeing his answering smile. Best friends don't do things like this, but boyfriends do, and Sungjae thinks that this is a change that he'll welcome with open arms.
☂
Things don't really change between them after Jeju Island, and Sungjae is grateful. On the ferry back to Mokpo, Donggeun takes the pen he took from their hotel room out of his pocket and pulls Sungjae's forearm into his lap, writing a line or two in English on the pale skin of Sungjae's arm underside. It takes a moment before the ink begins to run to the tip of the ballpoint pen, so Donggeun tests it on his own hand until it writes.
Sungjae tilts his head to the side and tries to read the words. He knows the letters by now but he isn't too sure about the appropriate sounds, and he doesn't want to mess them up so instead he asks, "Can you read it to me?"
"Okay," Donggeun says, blushing a little. "It says... I will bring the stars in the sky for you; whatever you want, I can do it for you. It's the fourth and fifth lines of the song, since you said you wanted to hear the lyrics."
"Oh," Sungjae says, a bit surprised but very pleased once Donggeun translates the words for him, and spends the rest of the ferry trip stealing glances at the writing on his arm. It's too bad they're in public now, but they have a long drive ahead of them anyways, to Yongin for the last leg of their trip. Donggeun probably won't blame him if they take a break every so often to spend some time together, right?
Driving back to Yongin will take them almost directly to Seoul, laying out hours of driving ahead of them. Donggeun takes the first shift and Sungjae takes his guitar with him to the passenger seat of the Jeep, bringing a smile to Donggeun's face when his random chords slowly end up becoming the chorus of their song. He ends up falling asleep to the monotonous landscape passing by them and wakes a few hours when Donggeun parks the Jeep at a gas station.
Donggeun is outside, standing at the self-service station as he pays for the gasoline. He looks at Sungjae over his shoulder, laughing a little when Sungjae yawns and yelps as his guitar starts to fall from his lap. "Did you sleep well?"
"No," Sungjae complains as he sits up, his neck aching from sleeping in a weird position. "My turn to drive."
He knows from experience over these past two weeks that if he doesn't say anything, Donggeun will just keep going until he starts dozing at the driver's wheel. He wins the resulting skirmish easily - though Donggeun isn't really trying, anyways - when he goes to steal the keys from Donggeun's pocket, putting them in his own pocket as he goes to put his guitar back in the trailer.
As he drives, Sungjae recalls the time when he and Donggeun had an afternoon off and gone to the DMV with their passports and the headshots they had taken a few days previously, Donggeun digging through his things to find the driver's license he had gotten back in America. They'd waited in different lines as Donggeun had gone to swap in his American license and Sungjae applied for his new Korean one, Donggeun finishing up first and waiting for Sungjae as he takes his written test and driving test. He succeeded, though, and had victoriously driven them home with their manager sitting in the passenger seat to celebrate his step towards independence.
Donggeun's new license arrived in the mail a week later, and Sungjae had walked into their bedroom of the dorm to find the other boy sitting on the floor, turning it over and over in his hands. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," Donggeun said. When Sungjae didn't move, waiting impatiently in the doorway of the room, he finally admitted, "I had to turn in my license from Chicago to get this one. They said I can still exchange it again and get the old one back, but it's kind of weird, I guess."
"Oh," Sungjae said, unable to formulate a better reply other than I'm sorry, and he knew Donggeun hadn't said that for an apology out of pity. It was just how things were; Donggeun had chosen this life here by auditioning for JYP Entertainment with his friend all those years ago, by staying with Cube and debuting with BTOB after Minwoo had left.
"It's okay, Sungjae, it's fine," Donggeun said, putting the license into his wallet and standing up. "Want to go get dinner?"
"Sure," Sungjae agreed. They'd closed that conversation that night, but Sungjae had been unable to drive without thinking about that conversation for a long time. He thinks of it now, and wonders whether or not Donggeun still misses that piece of Chicago his license had held for him. Whether Donggeun will go back to reclaim it and fly across the ocean, where Sungjae has never been and might go to and Donggeun will be a Peniel that Sungjae has never known.
They make good progress to Yongin but still aren't halfway there yet. Neither of them is too worried about this, instead spending their time in Donggeun's bunk again with their guitars and their song, Donggeun leaning against Sungjae's side sleepily as it gets late.
Words are on the tip of Sungjae's tongue. Do you miss Chicago? He casts that one aside; of course Donggeun does, with all the video chats home to his parents and sister, and the lonely holidays despite Sungjae's enthusiasm and Sungjae's mother's coddling. Do you miss Chicago enough to want to leave Korea and go back? is too much to ask now, though. Instead, he just smiles and responds when Donggeun quickly kisses him goodnight, and hopes that sleep will be merciful to him enough to quiet the swirl of thoughts in his mind.
☂
On the day they were hoping to reach Yongin, it's the twelfth day of their trip and they get a call from management in the morning, asking them to come back a day early. "I thought we had two weeks, though," Sungjae says, his voice terse. "It's a long way to drive to get back to Seoul at this point."
Management says that they're sorry but Sungjae and Peniel have a schedule on the day they were originally due to come back, and are needed back at the Cube buildings the next evening, which technically means the next morning because of the time demanded by styling. Sungjae wants to argue, but Donggeun shrugs at him in defeat and a schedule is a schedule after all. This is their job, their living.
Yongin comes into view in the afternoon. "Korean Folk Village, or Everland?" Donggeun asks, scrutinizing his phone. "We only have time for one before we need to start heading into Seoul."
"Everland," Sungjae says promptly. This might be the last time they'll ever get to act like kids and play at an amusement park; going back to Seoul means that they'll be falling back into the entertainment industry's endless cycle of sleep deprivation and dieting and constant chasing of goals that just seem to rise higher and higher.
"I was thinking the same," Donggeun replies.
The first thing they do after paying for admission into Everland is to eat a viciously unhealthy lunch at one of the restaurants in the amusement park - however overpriced it is, it's delicious after a day of driving and snacks in the stead of breakfast. After that, they wait in what must be the longest line in the park to ride the famous wooden roller coaster, Sungjae screaming on the top of his lungs without shame at the fastest, scariest parts. It seems like the park never runs out of things to offer, with a fountain and garden opening into the petting zoo, sea lion show, and safari adventure. Donggeun yelps out loud when a lion passes by his and Sungjae's window of the bus, the tourists around them taking pictures madly.
By the end of the day, the park closing and employees waving as families and tourists and Sungjae and Donggeun leave, Sungjae's shirt is still a bit damp from the water-rafting ride. There's a bit of a chill in the evening air, and he sneezes.
"Cold?" Donggeun asks, moving like he's going to hold Sungjae's hand, or maybe wrap an arm around Sungjae's waist, but drawing back when he realizes there's no camera to be their excuse when they're in public.
"Just a bit," Sungjae says. Donggeun's eyes look sad, and their last day is ending, and Sungjae thinks that he'll never forget this. All of this.
They try to go to sleep early that night, because they have no idea when the next time they'll be able to do so is. After a couple of quiet hours of Sungjae staring at the bunk above his head, Donggeun shifts to the edge of his mattress and peers over, asking, "You awake?"
"Yeah," Sungjae says. "Can't fall asleep."
They end up getting back out of bed and staying up late, sitting on the couch with the window curtains wide open behind their heads as they play all the random chords they can think of on their guitars. At one point, Donggeun takes out his phone and plays Big Bang's Oh My Friend as loudly as he can and they jam out on air guitars, just like they used to back in the practice rooms at the Cube offices - before all the fame and the pressure and even the trophies they'd won on music shows, lined up on one of the shelves under the myriad of awards that Beast and 4Minute and G.Na had won as well. Back when Sungjae knew who he was singing for, and it was still himself.
It's still for himself, he realizes.
So when Donggeun leans back against the back of the couch and says, "Man, I've missed this," Sungjae curls his arm around Donggeun's shoulders and replies, "It's still ours. Whenever you want."
And Donggeun's smile is like the sun, just for him.
☂
They're in the parking lot in the Cube building, back in Seoul. The Jeep feels strangely light without the weight of the trailer behind them, the two of them having returned it with profuse thanks to the owners and put their belongings in the trunk for now; the Jeep isn't their Jeep, either, even with how attached to it they are now.
In a few minutes, they'll take their duffel bags and souvenirs to put them in their dorm. The souvenirs will have to wait for sharing with the others after they finish their schedule, which is a photoshoot with Ceci or Vogue or High Cut, Sungjae can't even remember. And they'll take BTOB's Sungjae and Peniel out and go back to work. It's an unsatisfying ending, after all they've seen and done and said these last two weeks; almost two weeks, anyways.
But, Sungjae thinks as he yanks out the car keys and turns to face Donggeun in the passenger seat, there is still something left to say - while the magic of the trip is still in the air around them. "Hyung," he says.
"Yeah?" Donggeun replies.
"I really like you," Sungjae says, forging forward the best he can and trying not to fidget or else he'll miss Donggeun's expressions. "And...and I hope that we can still be together, like this. No matter what happens."
"Sungjae, wha - " Donggeun starts, but Sungjae finds that he still has more to say.
"Even if you leave and go back to Chicago," he says earnestly, "I want us to stay like this. Even if I have to go there with you, if you'll let me, and pretend I understand English. I'll learn it for you. I'll do it." If Donggeun can struggle through years of speaking Korean and only Korean, he can do this. He's sure of it.
Donggeun hesitates, looking a bit overwhelmed, but happy, too. His lyrics come to Sungjae's mind even though the writing has long washed away from Sungjae's arm. Whatever you want, I can do it for you. It's true.
"Yeah," Donggeun says finally. "Yeah, Sungjae, I want to stay with you, too. And I didn't even say anything about Chicago."
"But what if," Sungjae insists. Donggeun's family is there, and his home and his friends and his childhood. That's a lot of things to miss.
"But you're here, in Korea," says Donggeun. "And as far as I'm concerned, this is where I belong."
"Oh," Sungjae says. "Oh."
"Yeah, oh," Donggeun says with a smile, and opens his car door. "You ready to go?"
It's almost like it's a new chapter of Sungjae's life here, unfolding; it looks a lot like the one he closed, two weeks and an intermission ago, but he knows this will be better. He still has Donggeun, after all. "Of course," he answers, and he is. He's ready, no matter what happens next.
part one
They sleep through the entire morning and into the afternoon, finally getting up around three, starving but happy. After grabbing one last meal in Sokcho, they hit the road again, this time headed towards Busan on the southern coast.
It's a bigger distance to cover than it was from Seoul to Sokcho, and by the time night falls, they have to concede to the fact that driving practically the entire length of this half of the Korean peninsula is clearly impossible in half a day. Even with their early start on the next day, Sungjae finds himself in mid-evening staring at what looks like the same stretch of Highway 55, directed towards Daegu, and Donggeun says out loud, "We're crazy." It's the first time either of them had spoken all day.
"Yeah," Sungjae agrees, "we're crazy. And Busan is far." His shoulders feel stiff from being in the same position for so long, but Donggeun drove so much this morning that he doesn't want to switch off just yet.
He almost wants to suggest just stopping in Daegu and calling it a day. Neither of them expected that all of this driving would be so taxing - especially with all of the public transport roads crowding, criss-crossing, and sometimes even overtaking the roads for the automobiles - but Daegu would put them behind their informal itinerary, and Sungjae packed his swim trunks for a reason. There are so many things he still wants to do.
"Let's keep going," Donggeun says, as if he knows exactly what Sungjae is thinking. "Do you want to switch?"
"No, not yet," Sungjae answers. His efforts are paid off that night when they spot the Busan Tower in the distance, the entire expanse before them glittering with city lights as if in welcome. Once they're close enough to the city, they find an open parking lot whose sleepy-eyed supervisor will let them stay nights and immediately knock out in their beds, sleeping deeper than they ever have for a long time.
The next morning, they find a little diner that serves them the city's specialty juk, a delicious type of porridge that Sungjae and Donggeun begin to inhale immediately once it's cool enough to eat. There's really nothing that tastes like this back in Seoul. "What should we do today?" Sungjae asks when he stops to take a sip of water.
Donggeun fishes one of the ice cubes out of Sungjae's cup when Sungjae puts it back down, the ones in his own already melted or eaten. "We could go see the tower," he says thoughtfully, crunching on the ice. "I know you wanted to go to the beach, and it's not peak season right now so we should be fine."
"Beach, please," Sungjae says eagerly and lets Donggeun take another of his ice cubes.
"We can go in the afternoon when it's low tide, that'll be around two in the afternoon. So we can still go to the tower," Donggeun says.
Sungjae agrees. When they finish their porridge and pay, they drive to Yongdusan Park and easily find the tower, which stretches highest into the sky compared to all of the surrounding buildings of the city. The first floor includes a souvenir shop that Sungjae and Donggeun browse, finding gifts for the other BTOB members and the managers and staff back home in Seoul; however overpriced they are, it's worth it. A little piece from the other side of South Korea.
An elevator ride takes them to the top; both of them had turned down the thought of climbing any stairs. Although the musical instruments museum is closed on this day of the week, to both Sungjae and Donggeun's disappointment, they're able to browse the tower's observatory for 4,000 won each. Standing at the top of the tower, staring out at the sprawling city of Busan where thousands of people are going to school and work and living out their everyday lives... It makes Sungjae feel very small.
When he says so, Donggeun doesn't look away from the windows when he replies, "That's kind of good, don't you think? We're so used to being idols, our worlds revolve around us every day. In Chicago, I was just a normal high schooler. Here, I'm just a tourist."
And that is the point of their vacation. But Sungjae kind of feels sad, looking at Donggeun looking out at the city of Busan reduced to rows and rows of the tiny, identical square buildings, dots of vehicles moving along grey road lines. Does Chicago look anything like this from above, too? "Don't think about that kind of thing. What's done is done," he says softly. It doesn't seem like Donggeun hears him.
Once they've seen their fill, they go back to the trailer and Sungjae guns the engine to drive straight down to the coast, parking in the lot directly adjacent to the famous Haeundae Beach. Climbing out of the Jeep, he just barely manages to catch the baseball cap on his head from flying away in a gust of ocean winds and hurries into the trailer to put it away, coming out changed into his swim trunks and wifebeater, tinted sunglasses on his face. "Shin Donggeun!" he shouts, arms akimbo at the sight of Donggeun still in the passenger seat, staring out at the ocean; they are the only ones in the parking lot, surrounded by the silent bodies of other people's cars. "Why are you not in your proper beachwear? The sun waits for no one, you know!"
Donggeun rouses himself and opens his car door, flinching when the wind blows sand up against his legs. "Give me a minute," he says, letting Sungjae follow him back into the trailer. As he digs around his duffel bag in search of his own swim trunks, Sungjae lies down on his bunk bed, wiggling around until his face is at the foot of the bed so he can face Donggeun.
"I see it," Sungjae says, "That navy blue thing over there." He vaguely points at it until Donggeun spots it, yanking it out of the corner it's wedged itself into.
"Thanks, man," Donggeun says. He just starts in on working at the buckle of his belt like it's nothing, it really should be nothing, they've seen each other stark naked before countless times in the years they've spent together. But something about the past few days makes Sungjae turn away, lying on his side so he's facing the walls and trying his best to ignore the all-too-telling rustle of fabric behind him. Trying to ignore the hot flush in his cheeks.
His eyes are closed by the time Donggeun finishes up, so he doesn't see it coming when the other boy decides to tackle him. "Done?" Sungjae gasps out from the weight of Donggeun's body across his torso, surprised to see Donggeun feeling so playful after the atmosphere that loomed over them this morning.
"Didn't you want to go to the beach the most?" Donggeun asks, laughing. "We can go now."
They take a picture together with the beach sprawled out behind them, the shot a bit too bright from the sun directly overhead but their smiles are perfect. Sungjae runs back to put their phones away in the trailer so that they won't get lost; when he steps back out of the trailer, he can see Donggeun waiting a distance away, hands deep in his pockets and shoulders lit, chest lit where the towel around his neck fails to shield him. When Donggeun looks up and sees Sungjae, he grins oh so naturally and Sungjae is sorry that there isn't a camera around for him to keep that smile forever, a smile just for him.
During peak season, umbrellas and towels cover every inch of space on the sandy expanse, but there are still a few months until then so Sungjae and Donggeun are able to scope out a quality piece of sand, spreading out their towel to claim it. But when Donggeun starts to sit down, Sungjae yanks him back up by both hands. "We're at the beach, hyung," he says, mock serious, "and you're going to the ocean with me. Got it?"
Donggeun gives him a look, but there's no real annoyance behind it. "Yeah, got it," he says, pulling on the hem of Sungjae's wifebeater. "Let's do it."
Is it like he thinks Sungjae can't do it, even after all these years? Sungjae strips the shirt over his head in open defiance and drops it down on the beach towel, grabbing Donggeun's hand so he won't have to meet Donggeun's eyes just yet and beginning to drag the other boy towards the sea. Once they get close enough to the waters, Sungjae lets go and directs a mischievous smile at Donggeun, saying, "I'll race you. Ready...set..." and taking off first, before "go."
"What, Sungjae, you cheater!" Donggeun shouts before following in suit, but Sungjae's legs are long and the wind is whipping by his ears, coaxing him forward faster and faster. He doesn't see it coming now, even with his eyes open, when Donggeun tackles him from behind and sends them both falling into the ocean spray, salt on Sungjae's tongue and Donggeun's limbs pressing him into the damp sand.
"What was that for? I was winning!" Sungjae demands as he and Donggeun struggle into a sitting position, covered in sand and seawater, lungs aching from how hard he's laughing.
"That's what you get for starting early," Donggeun huffs against his ear, laughing as well when Sungjae's hands tickle into his side to make him squirm fruitlessly away from Sungjae's reach. "If you cheat, I'll never be able to catch up to you, jerk."
They scramble up to their feet at the sight of an approaching wave, which soaks them up to the middle of their thighs despite their hurried retreat. Since they're drenched anyways, Donggeun makes Sungjae give him a piggyback ride as punishment for running first, pressing his soaked chest into Sungjae's back so the other shouts in protest at the cold contact. The wind is blowing harder than they'd like for a beach day, enough so that some visitors are in coats rather than swim suits, but the sun is bright and the sand hot under their feet; Sungjae is just glad that he has a forgotten hair band in his pocket to tie his bangs out of his face, even if Donggeun laughs at him at the sight of it, hard enough to double over at the waist. Which, of course, makes him the prime victim for pushing him into an incoming wave.
"You are so dead," Donggeun threatens when he gets back to his feet. Even his hair is wet this time, seawater painting streaks across the skin that was once dry along his shoulders and back.
"Only if you can catch me!" Sungjae shouts back, hands cupped around his mouth before he takes off in the opposite direction.
After a decisive move that ends up with Sungjae shaking the water out of his hair, the same mouth that teased and catcalled tasting strongly of sea salt, they call a truce and instead decide to search the sands for the prettiest, most complete shells they can possibly find. Donggeun finds the jackpot when he trips and almost cuts his foot on a perfect sand dollar, which he gives to Sungjae. "Thanks, for the candy," he says when Sungjae squats down next to him. "From when we were watching the sunrise at the lighthouse."
Sungjae turns the smooth sand dollar over in his hands, marvelling at the silky surface - all natural. "Thank you," he says, holding his hand out to help Donggeun to his feet so they can go retrieve their towel and get going. Donggeun shakes his hair out of his eyes, the tips of his bangs beginning to dry, and looks up at him with a smile.
They're rinsing the salt out of their hair at the public showers, Donggeun holding the tap down for Sungjae and vice versa, when they're approached by a small cluster of girls who look about high school age, like Jiwon had been. "Excuse me," one of the girls says breathlessly, and both Sungjae and Donggeun look at her. At the sight of their faces, they squeal and giggle furiously.
"Yes?" Sungjae says, letting go of the tap. The water stops running, and Donggeun puts his arms down.
"You're BTOB, aren't you?" the girl in front continues. "Sungjae and Peniel? Could you sign something for us?"
The water running down Sungjae's arm creates a bit of a mess on the flier he's signing, but he digs up his idol smile and chats politely with the fans as he signs each slip of paper hastily - a receipt, the last page of a notebook; it's not like people carry albums around in their free time. He can hear Donggeun doing the same, the other trying his best to keep up with one girl's rapidfire Korean as he signs her paper. She seems to be the only one among the group who actually knows BTOB well enough, asking after Eunkwang and Minhyuk with genuine concern; Sungjae asks for her name, which is Hyejung. He doodles all over her notebook in quiet thanks when it's his turn to sign, which makes her laugh.
"Thank you," Sungjae replies again and again when the girls take their pens and autographs and leave. The quick encounter drains him, reminding him all too bluntly that this is what his life is now no matter how many days he can run away from it all with Donggeun. After their fourteen days, he'll drive with him to Seoul and there will be hours of fansigning events to do this, again and again.
"Hey," Donggeun says, bumping against him. "At least we're not being followed around like we were afraid of. Let's go, okay?"
"Yeah," Sungjae says. They return to the trailer to change into proper casual clothes and head towards Busan, where they take a walk along the famous Haeundae-Dalmaji Road as their hair dries in the light breeze.
"You have flowers in your hair," Donggeun says. He pulls the hair band out of Sungjae's hair to let Sungjae's bangs sit flat on his forehead again, brushing out the fallen cherry blossom petals without noticing the petals in his own hair. Sungjae kind of desperately wants to kiss him, despite the fact that they're in public. And this is Donggeun.
It's Donggeun.
"Aquarium, next?" Donggeun asks before Sungjae can actually do something stupid like kiss his best friend of the past several years in front of all these tourists.
Sungjae's too busy thinking about how he's never been best friends with anyone longer than he's been with Donggeun to say anything just yet. He had to drop all of his friendships with the people from school when being an idol started taking over his life, but there was always Donggeun there at his side, Donggeun to sing to whenever they had karaoke nights right in the dance practice rooms, Donggeun to accompany him on long car and airplane rides for overseas schedules. Donggeun here, with him, on the biggest trip he's ever had in his entire life. Of course it's Donggeun, he thinks to himself. How could it be anyone else?
"Sungjae? Aquarium?" Donggeun asks again.
"Sure," Sungjae says at last, waving away Donggeun's look of concern.
The aquarium is better than Sungjae expects, the cool blue walls rising around them calming, the creatures inside of them fascinating; they can spend hours in the fish exhibit halls alone. Maybe it's because they're actually underground, two or three floors down. Walking along the seabed tunnel in the third underground floor is like being cut off from the rest of the world.
"Come on," Donggeun laughs, tugging on Sungjae's wrists. "They're going to feed the sea otters soon, and I want to see it."
"Donggeun hyung, have you seen this one?" Sungjae says, staring openly at the rocky spikes on an orange and white fish swimming low along the tank floor. It's bigger than Sungjae's head but faster than it should be, by all means, judging from its size.
Donggeun squats to look at it with Sungjae, making a sound of appreciation. "Very cool."
They look at it for a few moments longer before Donggeun looks at his watch and drags Sungjae to the sea otter exhibit, where they join an eager crowd to see the playful animals eat their dinner. "Look at that!" Donggeun exclaims when an otter catches one of the fish in its paws, pointing at it with childish excitement.
"I'm looking, I'm looking," Sungjae says, and turns his eyes away from Donggeun's profile to watch the otters like everybody else.
After walking through the whale and shark exhibits, they buy matching little dolphin keychains in the gift shop, even though Sungjae very seriously considers buying all of the stuffed animals of the sea creatures at the aquarium. They take the metro back out to where they parked the Jeep, and Donggeun drives them to the Dongnae district so they can visit Heoshimcheong Spa.
"Welcome to the largest hot spring-fed spa in Asia," chirps the woman at the reception desk. Their last entry hour is nine in the evening, so they've made it with time to spare.
The bath house employees point them towards the locker rooms, white and clean like the rest of the building. "We don't go to these places often at home, huh?" Sungjae asks. "I haven't been to a bath house since I was a kid."
"We don't really have these in Chicago," Donggeun murmurs, politely averting his eyes from the blatantly naked man that passes by.
Sungjae doesn't know how to reply, so they just go on and enter the baths, agreeing to the rubdown and exfoliation session for starters. Sometime during the session, Sungjae closes his eyes and vaguely realizes the guy massaging the muscles in his back could just as easily snap his leg with the strength in his hands and arms.
"Cherry bath, mud bath, or one of the extremes?" Donggeun asks when they stumble away from the massage tables. Sungjae feels pleasantly warm, forgetting that they're all standing stark naked on the floor of baths and spas. It's a culture thing, after all, he tells himself when he notices the nervous set of Donggeun's shoulders.
"Cherry?" he picks randomly.
The bath boasts a large statue, mouth open to let the red-tinged water pour into the water of the main bath. It's comfortably warm so they lounge there for quite a while, their home base after they melt their skins off in the sauna only to freeze them back on in the cold bath; only Sungjae is brave enough to try the outdoor cold bath, but only lasts about three minutes before he's yelping and darting back inside. "It's colder than Antarctica out there," he protests, trying to push Donggeun outside to try it too. They end up in the cherry bath, soaking until their fingers prune up and they're told to leave, please, the spa is closing.
"I feel refreshed," Sungjae announces as they walk out, now fully clothed and still warm. "I want to go to bed."
Donggeun laughs and bumps his shoulder into Sungjae's. "We have to walk back to the parking lot first," he says.
"Fine," Sungjae says long-sufferingly. He fumbles around his pockets in search for the keys to the trailer, yawning so hard his jaw cracks; Donggeun produces the keys from his own pocket quietly and Sungjae stares blankly at them as Donggeun unlocks the trailer doors. He hadn't realized that Donggeun had taken them sometime along the day.
Donggeun pushes him into the trailer and in the vague direction of their bunk beds, and Sungjae decides it is very fortunate that he chose to take the lower bunk. Less distance between his body and his sleeping place.
There are a few shuffling noises as Donggeun gets ready for bed, Sungjae having flopped onto his mattress and wiggled into his blankets without changing into his pajamas. He can feel himself drifting, his covers pulled up to his chin, but then Donggeun climbs up the ladder to get into his own bunk. It isn't until then that Sungjae realizes he can hear everything - every shift and yawn coming from overhead, from Donggeun's bed.
And suddenly, sleep feels rather far away.
☂
The drive to Gwangju is decidedly shorter, and saner. More than halfway to their destination, as evening is just beginning to fall, Sungjae hears a worrisome sputtering noise come from the direction of the Jeep's engine. Donggeun, who was dozing in the passenger seat for the last couple hours, sits up. "Do you hear that?"
"Yeah," Sungjae says slowly, listening to the Jeep protest increasingly loudly.
Luckily, there's a garage open for repairs 'as long as you can drag your vehicle in here.' Neither of them is very good at fixing cars, but Sungjae manages to pop the hood of the Jeep and peer into the musty, oily interior of the car. Something is smoking.
"It can be fixed," the owner of the garage says thoughtfully once he too takes a look at the damage. "Just a simple part going through some rusting. It'll have to be replaced." There are some more complicated car parts words involved in the explanation that go over Sungjae's head, but he just nods and pulls out his wallet sadly.
"It'll take an hour and a half to replace," Sungjae reports to Donggeun, who is waiting at the door of the trailer, once he finishes talking to the garage owner. "So we might as well find something to do until the Jeep can get running again."
Donggeun frowns in thought and catches onto Sungjae's wrist, yanking him into the trailer. "Can you do something for me?" he requests, a bit awkward; he rarely asks things of Sungjae. The last time he did was for this road trip. The time before that, he asked whether or not he could stay with Sungjae's family for Chuseok, back in September last year.
"What?" Sungjae asks as he watches Donggeun climb up to his bunk and retrieve his notebook from the mess of blankets. Neither of them have bothered to make their beds for the last week.
"You brought your guitar, right?" Donggeun says even though both of them know the answer to his question, the guitar case under Sungjae's bed still untouched.
"Yeah," Sungjae says, to humor him.
"Do you - would you mind playing something with me?" Donggeun asks nervously, gesturing at his notebook.
This shouldn't be something new, it really shouldn't. Sungjae has practiced harmonizations of both voice and instruments with Donggeun - and Eunkwang, and Hyunsik, and Changsub - plenty of times. But he follows Donggeun up into the top bunk and sets his guitar on his knees, tuning it a little as Donggeun fumbles with the pages of his notebook, clearly anxious. Like this is new and different.
"It's a duet," Donggeun says softly. He finds the right page and props the notebook up against a pillow at the foot of the bed, holding his guitar as well. "Do you want to try the first line?"
Sungjae hasn't sight read for a while, but he manages to make it through the first line of guitar chords with only one or two mistakes; reading Donggeun's shorthand comes so easily, even now. They try it together next, Donggeun stopping to make adjustments often, until they've worked the kinks out of the first page and can play it through, together.
Donggeun's knee knocks against Sungjae's when he leans forward to turn the page. There isn't much room on the narrow bed, and they're sharing one of Donggeun's blankets as a shield from the cold night. "Sorry," he says distractedly.
"Don't apologize," Sungjae says. They should be long past things like this after all these years, even with no cameras and no fans around.
"Ah - yeah," Donggeun replies, his voice quiet, a bit distant. He's fixedly looking away from Sungjae's eyes, focused on the scrawled notes they've been playing.
Feeling lost and doubting he has the proper sensitivity to deal with the odd atmosphere weighing on their shoulders, Sungjae asks to change the subject, "Do you have any lyrics yet?"
Donggeun just might be blushing - it's hard to tell in the scarce lighting from the moon filtering into the trailer through the window curtains. None of the lamps are on, and Sungjae doesn't want to get up to turn them on. Not until Donggeun answers him. It feels like he's sinking deeper and deeper into this weird thing that has mutated from their easy-going friendship into something complicated and confusing, but this is still Donggeun and Sungjae sometimes thinks he'd do anything for Donggeun's smile. He's here, isn't he?
"Yes," Donggeun says at last, playing with the corner of the notebook page, "but I haven't...put them to the melody just yet."
Sungjae nods. "Take your time. I'll practice with you whenever you want." He hesitates, then asks, "It's for us, right?"
"Right," Donggeun says softly. "It is."
There's something weighty about that statement that has Sungjae puzzling over it, like Donggeun is trying to tell him something without using all the direct words. Something is there, right in front of his eyes, but he's missing it. A knock on the door makes him jump, upsetting the guitar on his lap so it slides down to his shins. "Yes?" he shouts in the vague direction of the trailer door as he struggles to figure out where to put his feet so he can get off of the top bunk.
"Your Jeep is ready to go!" the man bellows on the other side. Sungjae finally works out his legs and feet and tumbles out of the bunk bed, running his fingers through his hair before opening the door to thank the garage owner in person for the repairs.
By the time they're done talking, Sungjae thanking the man for the wishes for a safe journey to Gwangju, he can hear the wistful sound of guitar chords. Instead of walking outside to resume driving, Sungjae lingers in the doorway of the trailer, listening without turning around. Donggeun is working on Sungjae's part for the bridge of the song, playing in short bursts interrupted by the sound of pencil against paper - it's usually a more streamlined process by the time Donggeun has been working on a song for this long, but he's a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to composing nowadays.
And this is a song for Donggeun and Sungjae. Who is Sungjae to blame him for wanting perfection?
Gwangju rises in the far-off landscape as a dense cluster of city lights, too, but in a different pattern than Busan looked like. They make it to the outskirts of the city before turning in for the night, Sungjae stumbling out of the driver's seat. For once, Donggeun chose to ride in the trailer instead of the Jeep, leaving Sungjae to a drearily silent drive. Maybe Donggeun is avoiding him, as much as is possible when they're travelling so closely together like this, Sungjae thinks.
Nevertheless, Sungjae finds himself humming to the melody of Donggeun's song as he changes into his pajama shirt. Naturally, Donggeun notices, and Sungjae can hear the smile in his voice when he wishes Sungjae good night. They've exchanged good nights every night in the past several years, texting when Sungjae is at home visiting his parents and Donggeun has happened to go to Eunkwang's or someone else's house for the holiday. But usually, he goes to Sungjae's place, brushing his teeth in Sungjae's bathroom and sleeping on a spare mattress on the floor in Sungjae's bedroom, like a sleepover.
"Good night, Donggeun hyung," Sungjae says back. His bed is surprisingly cold without the warmth of Donggeun's leg pressed up against his.
☂
In Gwangju, it seems like the Mudeungsan Provincial Park is a good place to start. With the promise of a gradual, easy slope, they decide to walk the trail up to the top of Cheonwangbong Peak for the much-esteemed view, though they won't be in Gwangju long enough to stay for another sunrise. In the onset of spring, the hills are a rich green, and the air tastes clean and fresh in a way the air in Seoul may never feel again.
When they end up at the bottom again, they visit the Uijae Misulgwan, an art gallery of Heo Baekryun's landscape, flower, and bird paintings. It's rather quiet in the gallery, the atmosphere comfortable as classical music plays from speakers attached to the ceilings. All around them, the landscape is idyllic and peaceful, like out of a fairytale. Even the tea plantation up the trail is not exempt from the magic of the atmosphere.
Sungjae finds Donggeun lingering in front of a screen titled The Four Gentlemen, ink on paper illustrating bamboo, chrysanthemum. "Hey," he says to jerk Donggeun out of whatever reverie he has sunken into.
Donggeun starts and turns to look at him, disoriented. "Yeah?"
"I don't know about you, but I'm starving," Sungjae says. "Let's get lunch."
Donggeun nods in agreement and they take the public bus into Gwangju so they can eat at Minsokchon, which is apparently famous in the area for its galbi. The line is long but they have the time to wait, eventually sitting at a table for two. A waitress walks over to turn their grill on and take their order for meats.
As Donggeun grills the first pieces of meat, Sungjae bounces in his seat excitedly, his mouth positively watering in anticipation. Donggeun watches with amusement as Sungjae puts the first piece of cooked meat into his mouth, Sungjae closing his eyes and chewing exaggeratedly to entertain him. "Delicious," he proclaims dramatically after swallowing. "Like heaven in my mouth."
Donggeun snorts. They dig in, demolishing several platters of meat, and Sungjae takes a break to drink some water when Donggeun excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Only then does he notice the waitresses fluttering around this half of the restaurant, stealing glances toward Sungjae and whispering to each other.
"You're from BTOB, aren't you?" one of them finally approaches him to ask, eyes wide as she takes in Sungjae's face.
Sungjae resists the urge to sigh a little, and nods. By the time Donggeun is back from the bathroom, Sungjae is signing autographs for the waitresses and the restaurant, and passes the pen to Donggeun to do the same. The manager of the store comes out to thank them personally, giving them a discount on the bill in thanks for the boost in publicity. As she brings them their change, Sungjae beckons her closer and whispers, "Do you know of a ferry that'll go overnight to Jeju Island?"
She looks at him in surprise, then across the room at Donggeun, who's checking his phone for text messages as he waits in the doorway, baseball cap pulled over his forehead. "There's a ferry that goes from Mokpo to Jeju that a friend of mine runs," the manager says thoughtfully. "You can book tickets for the ferry online and leave your vehicle in parking for the days you spend in Jeju. The hotel rooms come with in a package if you choose to get that instead."
"Could I do that?" Sungjae asks. Turns out there's a computer in her office for them to use, so Sungjae goes ahead and buys ferry tickets for the next day. He's sure they can make it to Mokpo by tonight, and he knows Donggeun has always wanted to see Jeju anyways.
He quickly makes the payment and thanks the manager profusely before running back out to join Donggeun. "What was the hold-up?" Donggeun asks, putting his phone away.
"Think we can get to Mokpo by today?" Sungjae asks him in reply, unable to help the grin that spreads across his face.
Donggeun looks at him a bit suspiciously, a bit indulgently. "In two hours of driving, maybe. What did you just do?"
Sungjae starts walking towards the bus stop, feeling Donggeun fall into step beside him, and says nonchalantly, "What do you think about visiting Jeju Island?"
"You didn't," Donggeun says, and Sungjae is glad that he turned around to see Donggeun's expression, shocked and impressed.
"Ferry leaves tomorrow morning," he replies smugly, "so we better get going."
The bus ride takes them back out to the park, where the Jeep and trailer are waiting. The stretch of road between Gwangju and Mokpo is one of the shorter ones, ending with a parking lot along the waterfront in the Hadang area. That night, they sleep with the sounds of the harbor around them, anticipation almost palpable in the air.
The morning that greets them in Mokpo is foggy and overcast, and a light rain is falling by the time Sungjae and Donggeun make it to the ferry, duffel bags carrying two days' worth of clothing in preparation for their little detour. In waiting for the ferry, they're one of the first ones at the passenger terminal, so they take pictures together shamelessly to pass the time, Donggeun laughing at the weird faces Sungjae makes every time either of them clicks the shutter button.
After check-in, the two of them settle in for a three hour-long trip. It's a mostly uneventful journey, Donggeun falling asleep on Sungjae's shoulder after half an hour of staring at the ocean passing by around them and Sungjae cringing in sympathy when he sees some of the other passengers on the ferry suffering from seasickness. Thankfully, neither of them feels too squeamish, and they arrive in Jeju City without any trouble.
The hotel is nice enough, their room on the third floor furnished with two beds and a television, wall curtains opening up to a neat balcony. Sungjae drops his things on the ground and turns to Donggeun, asking eagerly, "Beach?"
"Already?" Donggeun asks, flopping onto one of the beds. "It's still kind of cloudy. Do you want to do something else first and go to the beach when the sun comes out?"
After talking to the people at the front desk of the hotel, they end up at the Olle walking trails to take in the impressive vistas that Jeju Island has to offer: cliffs of rock, eroded away by ocean waves, and majestic waterfalls rise up before them at each trail marker. By the time they finish the southern coastline trail to Sunrise Peak, the sun has come out again, Sungjae squinting up at the sky happily. "It's the sun!" he shouts at the sky, his arms wide open; Donggeun, standing beside him with his hand up to shield his eyes, just laughs and nods.
They stop back at the hotel to change into their swim trunks and to grab a towel for the beach. It's a tough decision between the Samyang, Jungmun, or Iho beaches, but they eventually settle on taking a taxi to the western side of Jungmun Beach, away from the crowds. The sand is pale and fine, quickly finding the cracks and holes in Sungjae's shoes and settling between his toes, and the sea stretches out before them in a gorgeous expanse of blue.
Sungjae manages to persuade Donggeun to take a two-hour surfing lesson with him, which turns out to be the best kind of disaster. Their instructor is infinitely patient despite all of the times they fall off of their surfboards, and Sungjae flails in the ocean waters even after their session on land and watches jealously as the man easily rides one of the bigger waves back to shore, as if his body is part of the sea and it's easier than breathing to move in synchronization with it. Sungjae and Donggeun, being from the city, flounder around and try their best.
By the end of the lesson, Donggeun has successfully surfed for longer than three seconds, but Sungjae keeps falling off before he can stand properly on the board. "It's because my legs are long," he complains, clinging to the board as Donggeun paddles back out to where Sungjae is. Their instructor has gone back already, bidding them both good luck with their surfing.
"You're rushing," Donggeun offers. "You keep trying to get onto the board before the rest of your body can catch up, but if you slow down, it'll be easier."
When the wave comes in again, Sungjae tries out Donggeun's advice and manages to stand upright. He cheers and flails his arms in celebration and ends up wiping out halfway to the shore, falling back into the water with a splash. "I was so close!" he wails when he surfaces, saltwater plastering his hair to his forehead. There's a tug to his ankle from the leash as the surfboard starts to drift away, and he frantically swims to reclaim it.
Donggen laughs, his arms propping him up on his surfboard as he drifts towards where Sungjae is sulking. "You want to head back?"
"No," Sungjae says determinedly. "I want to try again."
It takes another hour out on the waves before Sungjae finally organizes his limbs and gets the hang of it. By then, Donggeun is good enough that he hasn't fallen for the past hour and has moved on to more complicated maneuvers, but Sungjae is counting the fact that he is actually surfing as a success in itself, despite all the times he is still losing his balance once he stands. But he's also recovered it a few times, so he's pretty proud of himself.
"Last one?" Donggeun asks as they paddle back out to sea. The sun is beginning to set upon the horizon, and the droplets of water on Donggeun's arms glisten orange, peach, yellow. His hair is already dry, and he looks so handsome.
Ignoring the kick of his heart in his chest, Sungjae nods and gives him a thumbs up, turning around to watch as the wave begins to roll in. They both manage to stand up properly, coasting back to shore until the water recedes into sand and Sungjae stumbles off onto the beach with an exhilarated shout. "We did it!"
Donggeun holds his hand up for a high-five, grinning broadly, that Sungjae easily returns. They turn in their boards and safety vests to the guy lounging around the rental station and pay for the extra hour they added, and then Donggeun wipes his hands on their towel so he can take his phone out from his shoe and preserve the day with yet another picture.
The Jeju sunset is brilliant behind them, and most of the beachgoers have moved to higher ground to watch the sun from a better vantage point, so their stretch of the beach is quiet in its emptiness. Sungjae can feel the water lick at his heels every so often as he directs his gaze at the camera, but he isn't worried enough to move further up the beach yet. They're soaked through already from the surfing, anyways.
"Smile," Donggeun reminds him.
"I'm smiling," Sungjae protests and puts on his best grin for the camera. Donggeun drapes his arm around Sungjae's shoulders and Sungjae clicks the shutter, capturing the image of his face and Donggeun's face so close together, and thinks about how he's never wanted anything more than this.
He is quiet on the way back to the hotel via taxi, playing with a loose thread along the right thigh of his swim trunks. They're sitting on a towel so that the taxi seats won't get too wet, and Donggeun's body is warm next to his own.
He follows as Donggeun walks into the hotel, and lets Donggeun press the button to summon the elevators, even though he was so terribly excited to do it earlier in the day when they'd first arrived at the hotel. In the elevator, he can feel Donggeun's concerned gaze on the side of his face, but he just stares at the mirroring walls of the elevator and sees himself next to Donggeun - a bit taller, seeing as Donggeun has never caught up those last few centimeters even after all this time, but not as broad because no matter how many times Sungjae went to the gym, Donggeun had already gotten there first, earbuds in to block out the rest of the world.
He remembers one December morning about a year into their careers as BTOB members that just he and Donggeun had gone to the beach, a commemoration picture for Twitter unlike the pictures this time, which are first and foremost for themselves. It had been overcast that day, too, and the sun had refused to come out no matter how Sungjae pleaded at the sky. Neither of them had their swimsuits on hand, either, since there was no time with how they were to be rushed to their next schedule by the end of the hour, but Sungjae and Donggeun had taken their shoes off and basked at the feeling of sand under their feet as they walked around the shore. He had been wearing white and Donggeun black - one of those v-neck shirts that he's always been fond of, even with how much the collars reveal - on that day, constantly checking whether or not his cap was still on his head or not. When they had stood to take the picture together, making sure the ocean landscape was visible behind them, Donggeun's shoulder had been warm against Sungjae's chest despite the cold wind blowing around them. Had this feeling begun then? Or had it been even earlier?
The elevator dings to alert them that they have reached the third floor. When they get back to their room, Donggeun doesn't push him, instead changing into a loose pair of basketball shorts and going out onto the balcony to hang up his wet swim trunks. "Sungjae?" he calls from outside.
"Yeah?" Sungjae answers. He's standing in the middle of their hotel room on Jeju Island, unsure with what to do with himself. This trip had come about because they'd wanted it. Because Donggeun wanted to do this for the sights and the memories, and because Sungjae is afraid enough that things will change, that Eunkwang and Minhyuk leaving meant the end of a chapter of his life, that even if everyone comes back from the military, BTOB will never be the same, that he'll run away from it all.
Running away hasn't changed anything. They will still need to serve their time in the military and any day now, one of them can get into another car accident and everything will be different. Maybe it'll be Ilhoon on the way back from filming his drama or maybe it'll even be them, on the way back to Seoul, and Sungjae will never have told Donggeun anything, not a single Thanks for being my best friend, hyung, not even the beginnings of the feelings inside of his chest whenever he looks at Donggeun's smile in the sunlight.
Donggeun walks back into the room and Sungjae turns his head to look at him, illuminated merely by the lamps in the room, but the feelings are still there. Maybe they've always been there, but Sungjae just never noticed them because of schedule after schedule after schedule demanding his attention.
"Hyung," he says when Donggeun tries to talk. His voice sounds kind of strangled, oddly tight.
"Sungjae, are you okay?" Donggeun asks, reaching out to touch Sungjae's arm lightly. He's a touchy person like that, his fondness for skinship just one of the many facets of Peniel's image, and Sungjae has always felt comfortable when he's with Donggeun. Like it was never the trailer that was home for all this time, but being with Donggeun.
There might have been words, trapped in Sungjae's throat in a strange way - talking and singing have never been a problem before, but his voice fails him now, when he needs it more than ever. Instead, he catches onto Donggeun's hand and pulls him forward, thinking about how BTOB will end, how they might come to a day where they'll walk away from each other to live the rest of their lives, and Sungjae isn't sure whether he'll be able to find his way without Donggeun at his side. He's been spoiled by his years in BTOB, and he's selfish enough that he's going to try to hold onto this.
"Donggeun," Sungjae manages, and thinks to himself that hopefully Donggeun will overlook his use of banmal in light of the situation when he leans in to kiss Donggeun.
It's short, mostly because Sungjae's brain catches up to his body to pull him back and he's never realized how small Donggeun is in his arms until this moment; he's pretended to kiss Donggeun plenty of times throughout their careers, but this is starkly different. Maybe this is all a mistake, he thinks, maybe things work differently in Chicago and Donggeun will never want to speak to him ever again. "Sorry," he says first, squeezing his eyes closed tightly.
"Why are you apologizing?" Donggeun demands, and he looks actually annoyed for once, a strange emotion where he is usually easy-going and cheerful.
Before Sungjae can register what his annoyance might possibly mean, for them and for Sungjae himself, Donggeun is pulling his head back down, his lips warm and slightly chapped against Sungjae's. They're kissing again, Sungjae realizes, his hands naturally finding their way to Donggeun's hips and pulling him closer so their bodies are pressed against each other. This is really happening to him. He closes his eyes again.
When they break apart, it's because of Donggeun, so Sungjae panics and tries to figure out what he did wrong as Donggeun steps back, away from him. "It's your swim trunks," Donggeun explains, gesturing at the wet patches that have newly bloomed along the thighs of his own shorts. "They're still wet."
"Oh," Sungjae says. "Oops. My bad."
Donggeun sends him off to change his shorts and hang his swim trunks outside as he changes into yet another pair of shorts, this time dry. Sungjae walks back into the room a few minutes later to find Donggeun brushing his teeth in the bathroom; he tastes of mint when Sungjae kisses him again, Sungjae pressing him into the bed and both of them laughing when their noses bump.
"Took you long enough," Donggeun mumbles when Sungjae draws back to catch his breath, a while later, once Sungjae too has brushed his teeth and prepared for bed. "I even wrote a song for us, come on."
Sungjae feels like his heart is light enough to lift him into the night sky, but he'd rather be here on Earth, with Donggeun and his Donggeun's hands on Sungjae's back and Donggeun's slightly kiss-swollen lips. "You finished the lyrics, then?"
"Of course," Donggeun says. "But I doubt that we'll be putting this song on the next album."
"That's fine with me," Sungjae says, pressing his lips to the cut of Donggeun's jaw and feeling more than seeing his answering smile. Best friends don't do things like this, but boyfriends do, and Sungjae thinks that this is a change that he'll welcome with open arms.
☂
Things don't really change between them after Jeju Island, and Sungjae is grateful. On the ferry back to Mokpo, Donggeun takes the pen he took from their hotel room out of his pocket and pulls Sungjae's forearm into his lap, writing a line or two in English on the pale skin of Sungjae's arm underside. It takes a moment before the ink begins to run to the tip of the ballpoint pen, so Donggeun tests it on his own hand until it writes.
Sungjae tilts his head to the side and tries to read the words. He knows the letters by now but he isn't too sure about the appropriate sounds, and he doesn't want to mess them up so instead he asks, "Can you read it to me?"
"Okay," Donggeun says, blushing a little. "It says... I will bring the stars in the sky for you; whatever you want, I can do it for you. It's the fourth and fifth lines of the song, since you said you wanted to hear the lyrics."
"Oh," Sungjae says, a bit surprised but very pleased once Donggeun translates the words for him, and spends the rest of the ferry trip stealing glances at the writing on his arm. It's too bad they're in public now, but they have a long drive ahead of them anyways, to Yongin for the last leg of their trip. Donggeun probably won't blame him if they take a break every so often to spend some time together, right?
Driving back to Yongin will take them almost directly to Seoul, laying out hours of driving ahead of them. Donggeun takes the first shift and Sungjae takes his guitar with him to the passenger seat of the Jeep, bringing a smile to Donggeun's face when his random chords slowly end up becoming the chorus of their song. He ends up falling asleep to the monotonous landscape passing by them and wakes a few hours when Donggeun parks the Jeep at a gas station.
Donggeun is outside, standing at the self-service station as he pays for the gasoline. He looks at Sungjae over his shoulder, laughing a little when Sungjae yawns and yelps as his guitar starts to fall from his lap. "Did you sleep well?"
"No," Sungjae complains as he sits up, his neck aching from sleeping in a weird position. "My turn to drive."
He knows from experience over these past two weeks that if he doesn't say anything, Donggeun will just keep going until he starts dozing at the driver's wheel. He wins the resulting skirmish easily - though Donggeun isn't really trying, anyways - when he goes to steal the keys from Donggeun's pocket, putting them in his own pocket as he goes to put his guitar back in the trailer.
As he drives, Sungjae recalls the time when he and Donggeun had an afternoon off and gone to the DMV with their passports and the headshots they had taken a few days previously, Donggeun digging through his things to find the driver's license he had gotten back in America. They'd waited in different lines as Donggeun had gone to swap in his American license and Sungjae applied for his new Korean one, Donggeun finishing up first and waiting for Sungjae as he takes his written test and driving test. He succeeded, though, and had victoriously driven them home with their manager sitting in the passenger seat to celebrate his step towards independence.
Donggeun's new license arrived in the mail a week later, and Sungjae had walked into their bedroom of the dorm to find the other boy sitting on the floor, turning it over and over in his hands. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," Donggeun said. When Sungjae didn't move, waiting impatiently in the doorway of the room, he finally admitted, "I had to turn in my license from Chicago to get this one. They said I can still exchange it again and get the old one back, but it's kind of weird, I guess."
"Oh," Sungjae said, unable to formulate a better reply other than I'm sorry, and he knew Donggeun hadn't said that for an apology out of pity. It was just how things were; Donggeun had chosen this life here by auditioning for JYP Entertainment with his friend all those years ago, by staying with Cube and debuting with BTOB after Minwoo had left.
"It's okay, Sungjae, it's fine," Donggeun said, putting the license into his wallet and standing up. "Want to go get dinner?"
"Sure," Sungjae agreed. They'd closed that conversation that night, but Sungjae had been unable to drive without thinking about that conversation for a long time. He thinks of it now, and wonders whether or not Donggeun still misses that piece of Chicago his license had held for him. Whether Donggeun will go back to reclaim it and fly across the ocean, where Sungjae has never been and might go to and Donggeun will be a Peniel that Sungjae has never known.
They make good progress to Yongin but still aren't halfway there yet. Neither of them is too worried about this, instead spending their time in Donggeun's bunk again with their guitars and their song, Donggeun leaning against Sungjae's side sleepily as it gets late.
Words are on the tip of Sungjae's tongue. Do you miss Chicago? He casts that one aside; of course Donggeun does, with all the video chats home to his parents and sister, and the lonely holidays despite Sungjae's enthusiasm and Sungjae's mother's coddling. Do you miss Chicago enough to want to leave Korea and go back? is too much to ask now, though. Instead, he just smiles and responds when Donggeun quickly kisses him goodnight, and hopes that sleep will be merciful to him enough to quiet the swirl of thoughts in his mind.
☂
On the day they were hoping to reach Yongin, it's the twelfth day of their trip and they get a call from management in the morning, asking them to come back a day early. "I thought we had two weeks, though," Sungjae says, his voice terse. "It's a long way to drive to get back to Seoul at this point."
Management says that they're sorry but Sungjae and Peniel have a schedule on the day they were originally due to come back, and are needed back at the Cube buildings the next evening, which technically means the next morning because of the time demanded by styling. Sungjae wants to argue, but Donggeun shrugs at him in defeat and a schedule is a schedule after all. This is their job, their living.
Yongin comes into view in the afternoon. "Korean Folk Village, or Everland?" Donggeun asks, scrutinizing his phone. "We only have time for one before we need to start heading into Seoul."
"Everland," Sungjae says promptly. This might be the last time they'll ever get to act like kids and play at an amusement park; going back to Seoul means that they'll be falling back into the entertainment industry's endless cycle of sleep deprivation and dieting and constant chasing of goals that just seem to rise higher and higher.
"I was thinking the same," Donggeun replies.
The first thing they do after paying for admission into Everland is to eat a viciously unhealthy lunch at one of the restaurants in the amusement park - however overpriced it is, it's delicious after a day of driving and snacks in the stead of breakfast. After that, they wait in what must be the longest line in the park to ride the famous wooden roller coaster, Sungjae screaming on the top of his lungs without shame at the fastest, scariest parts. It seems like the park never runs out of things to offer, with a fountain and garden opening into the petting zoo, sea lion show, and safari adventure. Donggeun yelps out loud when a lion passes by his and Sungjae's window of the bus, the tourists around them taking pictures madly.
By the end of the day, the park closing and employees waving as families and tourists and Sungjae and Donggeun leave, Sungjae's shirt is still a bit damp from the water-rafting ride. There's a bit of a chill in the evening air, and he sneezes.
"Cold?" Donggeun asks, moving like he's going to hold Sungjae's hand, or maybe wrap an arm around Sungjae's waist, but drawing back when he realizes there's no camera to be their excuse when they're in public.
"Just a bit," Sungjae says. Donggeun's eyes look sad, and their last day is ending, and Sungjae thinks that he'll never forget this. All of this.
They try to go to sleep early that night, because they have no idea when the next time they'll be able to do so is. After a couple of quiet hours of Sungjae staring at the bunk above his head, Donggeun shifts to the edge of his mattress and peers over, asking, "You awake?"
"Yeah," Sungjae says. "Can't fall asleep."
They end up getting back out of bed and staying up late, sitting on the couch with the window curtains wide open behind their heads as they play all the random chords they can think of on their guitars. At one point, Donggeun takes out his phone and plays Big Bang's Oh My Friend as loudly as he can and they jam out on air guitars, just like they used to back in the practice rooms at the Cube offices - before all the fame and the pressure and even the trophies they'd won on music shows, lined up on one of the shelves under the myriad of awards that Beast and 4Minute and G.Na had won as well. Back when Sungjae knew who he was singing for, and it was still himself.
It's still for himself, he realizes.
So when Donggeun leans back against the back of the couch and says, "Man, I've missed this," Sungjae curls his arm around Donggeun's shoulders and replies, "It's still ours. Whenever you want."
And Donggeun's smile is like the sun, just for him.
☂
They're in the parking lot in the Cube building, back in Seoul. The Jeep feels strangely light without the weight of the trailer behind them, the two of them having returned it with profuse thanks to the owners and put their belongings in the trunk for now; the Jeep isn't their Jeep, either, even with how attached to it they are now.
In a few minutes, they'll take their duffel bags and souvenirs to put them in their dorm. The souvenirs will have to wait for sharing with the others after they finish their schedule, which is a photoshoot with Ceci or Vogue or High Cut, Sungjae can't even remember. And they'll take BTOB's Sungjae and Peniel out and go back to work. It's an unsatisfying ending, after all they've seen and done and said these last two weeks; almost two weeks, anyways.
But, Sungjae thinks as he yanks out the car keys and turns to face Donggeun in the passenger seat, there is still something left to say - while the magic of the trip is still in the air around them. "Hyung," he says.
"Yeah?" Donggeun replies.
"I really like you," Sungjae says, forging forward the best he can and trying not to fidget or else he'll miss Donggeun's expressions. "And...and I hope that we can still be together, like this. No matter what happens."
"Sungjae, wha - " Donggeun starts, but Sungjae finds that he still has more to say.
"Even if you leave and go back to Chicago," he says earnestly, "I want us to stay like this. Even if I have to go there with you, if you'll let me, and pretend I understand English. I'll learn it for you. I'll do it." If Donggeun can struggle through years of speaking Korean and only Korean, he can do this. He's sure of it.
Donggeun hesitates, looking a bit overwhelmed, but happy, too. His lyrics come to Sungjae's mind even though the writing has long washed away from Sungjae's arm. Whatever you want, I can do it for you. It's true.
"Yeah," Donggeun says finally. "Yeah, Sungjae, I want to stay with you, too. And I didn't even say anything about Chicago."
"But what if," Sungjae insists. Donggeun's family is there, and his home and his friends and his childhood. That's a lot of things to miss.
"But you're here, in Korea," says Donggeun. "And as far as I'm concerned, this is where I belong."
"Oh," Sungjae says. "Oh."
"Yeah, oh," Donggeun says with a smile, and opens his car door. "You ready to go?"
It's almost like it's a new chapter of Sungjae's life here, unfolding; it looks a lot like the one he closed, two weeks and an intermission ago, but he knows this will be better. He still has Donggeun, after all. "Of course," he answers, and he is. He's ready, no matter what happens next.