(random fic): Saving Private Sungmin, and then some - Part 1
To be clear, this isn’t the crack fic that I was asking everyone’s help for. I’m giving time for more input before I start it, even though right now I actually do have the results I want to see. But yeah, this isn’t it. Keep your eye out for it? =)
(And you haven't yet already, please check this out. It's for aforementioned crack fic)
Title: Saving Private Sungmin, and then some
Pairing: Includes, but is not limited to, Kangteuk, Sihanchul, Qmi, Eunhae, Henbum, Ryeokoma, and Kyucraft.
Rating: A solid PG13
Genre: Crack, random humor.
Word Count: 14,243 words
Summary: Sungmin is discovered to have a rare mutation that would make all of his offspring geniuses, physically beautiful, and nearly immortal. His sperm becomes the most valuable substance on earth, and it's up to the rest of Super Junior to protect him from the crazies at all costs.
Saving Private ______ Archive: here
Saving Private Sungmin, and then some
Part 1
Yesung receives the call while in the middle of feeding his pet turtle Ddangkoma.
“Yesung!” Ryeowook’s voice greets him from his end of the connection. “Did you hear the news?”
“No, I was busy feeding Ddangkoma.” Then, after listening to Ryeowook whine about the turtle, Yesung adds, “Why, is it something I should know?”
“Ya, Yesung, they’re doing auditions!” Ryeowook only exclaims. And Yesung, with wide eyes, drops both Ddangkoma and its food before grabbing a coat and rushing out of his apartment.
Hankyung is busy making Beijing Fried Rice when he receives the call.
“Ya, Hankyung,” Heechul’s voice calls from the table. “I want my damn breakfast.”
“Stop being so impatient,” Hankyung snaps, before turning back to his rice. “Go make yourself productive by reading the paper already.”
“Speaking of the paper, did you hear the news? They’ve finally started auditions.”
“They have?” a voice calls suddenly, and within moments Siwon’s head pokes through the doorway. “Well what’re we waiting for, then?”
“Hush Siwon, no one was talking to you. Go back to your Bible or something.”
“But, but….” Siwon turns to Hankyung desperately. “Hankyung!”
“Why are you asking for my permission? I’m not your father!”
“Of course not,” Heechul quips. “You’re wearing the apron.” Siwon ignores Heechul before looking at Hankyung expectantly-but it only takes moments before Hankyung pulls away, bursting into laughter.
“Ah, Siwon, your eyebrows, they…” but the rest of Hankyung’s coherency gets thrown out the window. And somehow, between Hankyung’s hysterical laughter, it is decided that the three would leave after Hankyung finishes cooking.
Kyuhyun is playing StarCraft when he receives the call.
“Kui Xian!” Zhou Mi yells from the next room over, holding several different outfits in each hand. “They’re doing auditions now! We need to go!”
“Later,” Kyuhyun mumbles dismissively. “I’m in the middle of pwning some-”
“But Kui Xian, the auditions are-”
“Later,” Kyuhyun replies in finality, and Zhou Mi sulks before leaving their apartment alone.
Kibum is in the middle of class in Los Angeles when he receives the call.
“asdjg;lgh! An3eglarksjgh;ghawnlrkl.inhg/.4ogn42nsajlg,” is what bursts into his ear, and Kibum has to remind Henry that he doesn’t quite understand that language.
“And won’t this use up your international minutes?”
“It’s okay,” Henry replies in English cheerfully, “I’ve got free weekend minutes to anywhere in Canada and the continental US!” And when Kibum is finally convinced (“Is today Saturday?-why am I in class on a Saturday? I’m so out of it.”), Henry’s voice screams into the phone once more. “Kibum, did you hear? They’re doing international auditions! But they’re only going to be on the west coast, so I was wondering if I could sleep over at yours during the auditions?”
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Kibum says quickly. “Hey, you think you could call me back later?-or Skype later tonight, maybe. I’m in class.”
“Ah, yeah, fine. But text me first, because I’ll probably be busy catching up on my episodes of LOST.”
“What, LOST?-House is so much better. But yeah, I really need to go. Catch you later?”
“Yup!” Henry replies enthusiastically, and when the line goes dead Kibum sighs with a complete lack of said enthusiasm before returning to his class.
Kangin is accompanying Shindong in shopping for groceries when he receives the call.
“There!” Shindong points suddenly, and Kangin turns around, expecting something exciting or out of the ordinary. “No, on the back of the coupon book!”
And Kangin nearly drops the book when he sees the words: “AUDITIONS BEGIN ON FEBRUARY FIRST.”
“That’s today!” Kangin cries in realization, and as it all begins to set in he turns to Shindong with wide eyes, looking at each other and the still empty cart between them.
And amongst the both of them, they officially decide that auditions are worth starving and skipping a few meals over.
Donghae is busy admiring the colorful fish at the aquarium when he receives the call.
“I just got off the phone with Siwon!” Eunhyuk yells, and every single head turns in his direction. “They’re starting auditions! Finally!”
“Really?” Donghae asks excitedly, and the fish in the background attempt to mirror Donghae’s reaction. “When are they starting?”
“Today, apparently. Meaning we need to go. Like, now.”
“But, but…” Donghae points at the nearby blowfish. “Fish….”
“The line’s probably already miles long,” Eunhyuk hisses, nodding to the exit. “We leave. Now.” And Donghae only pouts and attempts to poke the blowfish through the glass before being dragged out of the aquarium.
Zhou Mi defines his love for Kyuhyun by standing in line for an entire hour to save their spot, by remaining in spot even when it begins to rain and he’s forgotten his umbrella.
Kyuhyun, on the other hand, defines his love for Zhou Mi by showing up with the most gigantic battery attached to the laptop cradled in his arms, and by bringing an umbrella to prevent not Zhou Mi from getting wet but rather the computer.
And though Zhou Mi really does love Kyuhyun, and as Zhou Mi is drenched contemplating about it, he decides that he really, really despises the Kyucraft OTP.
“Nooooooo,” Siwon all but yells when they arrive and see the two-mile long line that’s formed. “Look at the line! Why so long?!”
“There can’t be this many competent people,” Heechul says to himself, glancing at the line. “What the hell. You can’t all be seriously auditioning.”
“And it’s all because Hankyung wanted to finish cooking his rice!” Siwon yells, glaring at the Chinese man. “GOD LOOKS DOWN ON YOU RIGHT NOW.”
“Oh well,” is Hankyung’s only reply, and as Siwon enters a fit about how Hankyung shouldn’t be so apathetic Hankyung turns to Heechul. “So while we’re waiting, want some?”
Ryeowook and Yesung are the first to make their auditions.
“So what can you do?” Leeteuk asks the both of them, giving the two appraising look-downs. “You don’t look anything special.”
“Foresight,” Yesung says simply, and Leeteuk nods subtly.
“That’s… interesting. That could be useful. A demonstration, perhaps?”
“It wouldn’t be anything you can prove anytime soon though,” Yesung warns, but Leeteuk dismisses the warning and waits expectantly. “All right, so right now I could tell you that… you aren’t going to get mugged in a dark alley. Nor will you run into your ex-boyfriend next January 17th.”
When Yesung looks up, he finds Leeteuk nodding impressively. “Could you tell me something I will do, though? Or something that will happen to me?”
And the last response Leeteuk expects is for Yesung to shake his head. “I actually can’t. I can only see things that won’t happen. So like right now, for instance, I saw you getting mugged in an alley, and I also saw you-”
“That’s enough,” Leeteuk interjects, and Yesung quickly catches himself from saying more. “Actually, as fail as that is, it’s still quite useful. Consider yourself in, for the time being.” And as Yesung high-fives Ryeowook Leeteuk turns to the shorter man.
“So what can you do?”
“I can sing at abnormally high pitches and shatter things with my voice?”
Leeteuk only nods passively. “Cliché, but useful. Can you do a demonstration?”
“No, because there’s a chance you’d shatter too.”
“…oh.” And as Ryeowook laughs at the sudden realization and horror that passes through his face, Leeteuk only raises and eyebrow and nods. “Well, fine, you’re both in. Didn’t quite think we’d score so well on the first auditions, but….”
“We passed!” Ryeowook exclaims, and Yesung grins back with the same enthusiasm. But their celebration only lasts for a moment, and it’s only after a premonition involving Ddangkoma becoming obese that Yesung remembers that he’s forgotten to finish feeding his pet turtle, and the two only linger long enough to give their information to Leeteuk before racing home to the turtle’s rescue.
Yesung and Ryeowook dart past Eunhyuk and Donghae the second the latter two realize how long the line is.
“I blame your stupid obsession with fish,” Eunhyuk scowls, even though it had been his money that had granted them admittance into the aquarium.
And Donghae, with hurt and accusing eyes, only points to the air beside Eunhyuk. “I blame your stupid monkey balloon, then.”
“That’s a low blow!” Eunhyuk exclaims. “It was really cool looking, and I’ve never seen one made like this before-”
“And how is that any different than me having never seen a great white shark before?” Donghae protests, and his rage is only amplified further when Eunhyuk points hesitantly at his own head. “Just because I can doesn’t mean I do it, you know!”
“Calm down,” Eunhyuk mumbles, and as Donghae finds himself doing exactly that he pouts.
“…damn it, Eunhyuk, I hate you so much right now.”
By the time Zhou Mi’s and Kyuhyun’s auditions come round, Leeteuk is absolutely enraged.
“Please tell me you have something legitimate to audition,” Leeteuk all but seethes at the both of them. “So far we’ve only had two legitimate performances, both having been the very first two to show up. Everyone else has come as a spy or just to see me.”
“Spy?” Zhou Mi asks, somewhat surprised and worried, but Leeteuk dismisses it without further mention.
Kyuhyun steps forward first, mainly because he’s left his laptop to a n00b just outside the room and doesn’t quite trust him with the imminent and epic battle between Protoss and Zerg units alike.
“I calculate,” is all Kyuhyun says, turning to Zhou Mi for a demonstration, and though the claim is short and simple it certainly gets Leeteuk’s attention.
Zhou Mi pulls out a textbook from his bag and flips it open to a random page. “Solve the initial value problem given by (blah blah blah).”
“ (This answer, expressed in words),” Kyuhyun replies in an instant, without even a second’s hesitance.
“How many inches are in 49.6 centimeters?”
“Exactly 19.5 inches.”
“If a train travels from Town A at 200mph and a train travels from Town B at 250mph, at what hour will they meet each other if the two cities are 3000 miles apart and both trains leave at the same time?”
“Question negligible,” Kyuhyun spits out. “Destinations of trains are not specified.”
“How many Korean boy band members does it take to change a light bulb?”
“Only one, assuming he’s tall enough. But it takes the entire band to show off unnecessary choreography in their victory dance mv.”
“All right, all right,” Leeteuk manages between laughter. “I get the point. But wow, that’s impressive. I can’t say it’s useful necessarily, but compared to everything else I’ve seen… you’re in.”
And without even giving his thanks or his contact information, Kyuhyun races out of the room to retrieve his laptop. Leeteuk and Zhou Mi only stare at his absence for several moments, all before a “Nooooooooooo you killed me!” echoes through the entire room.
“So,” Leeteuk asks Zhou Mi with as much of a straight voice as he can muster. “What exactly can you do?”
“Me?” Zhou Mi asks, turning to the sulking Kyuhyun as he reenters the room. “I give Kui Xian his 1UP’s.”
“Kui Xian?” Leeteuk asks, and it takes a moment for the man to realize that Kui Xian and Kyuhyun are the same person. But then, the more pressing question: “1UP?”
“Yeah, watch.”-and after some form of ritualistic dance a mushroom floats its way over to Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun raises his hand in triumph as the mushroom enters his body and disappears from sight entirely.
Leeteuk stares for a moment, dumbfounded, and for several moments he can’t even find the proper words to say within him. And in fact, it takes a quick reminder from Kyuhyun for Leeteuk to remember that he’s supposed to be speaking before Leeteuk actually speaks.
“I… don’t really see how that’ll be of any help,” is what Leeteuk finally ends up saying. “But granted it’s still legitimate, we’ll take you. Consider yourself in.”
And while Zhou Mi’s reaction is an understatement of elation, Kyuhyun’s is anything but.
“Are we done now?” he asks, almost hisses. “I’m almost out of battery.”
“Those two took a longer time than the others,” Siwon mutters nervously as he watches Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi walk by. “You think their auditions were successful?”
“Probably,” Heechul replies through a mouthful of fried rice. And then, taking a quick glance at Siwon, Heechul shakes his head. “Ya, relax Siwon, if they found everyone they needed we’d have been sent home by now.”
“But, but,” but after Heechul’s annoyed and predatory glare Siwon forces himself to be quiet. And then, after a moment’s pause, he turns to Hankyung and smiles hesitantly.
“Seconds?” Hankyung guesses, and Siwon nods gratefully.
Even though they’re perfectly capable of talking to each other over the phone, Kibum withholds his promise and entertains a conversation with Henry over Skype.
“Korea’s auditions are today,” Henry reminds Kibum, and Kibum only nods weakly as his form of acknowledge. “They’re probably going on right now, actually.”
“And how about ours…?”
“Tomorrow,” Henry replies, in a tone that says something of the I-can’t-believe-you-didn’t-know-that sort. “And I plan on leaving here early tomorrow morning.”
“Good to know.”
A pause.
“So,” begins Henry, “did you see the new episode of LOST?”
“Henry, I told you, I don’t watch LOST.”
“Oh, right, you watch House.” Another pause. “How about Heroes?”
“No. I watch Chuck though.”
Henry sighs. “What a pity.”
“How are they still doing fucking auditions?!” Heechul shrieks when the line moves by yet another person’s gap.
And then, after watching Siwon mutter prayer to himself and after taking a look at Hankyung’s amused expression, Heechul laughs at his fault. “Fucking like, fucking with emphasis, not like auditions with fucking-wait no, fucking as in… ah, forget it.”
Heechul decides that it’s a good thing that Siwon’s too busy purging dirty thoughts out of his head to have heard him. Because when Hankyung raises his eyebrows suggestively, it’s actually rather sexy-but if Siwon had done it, it’d actually be downright awkward and rather disturbing.
Shindong and Kangin are the next to audition.
“I don’t understand,” Leeteuk says flatly. “What’s the big deal about being able to walk incredibly slowly?”
“To go undetected?” Kangin offers, and Leeteuk only shakes his head disbelievingly. “Oh come off it, Teukie, you know perfectly well of my advantages. You’re just trying to be a stick in the mud because I broke up with you.”
“No, I broke up with you,” Leeteuk corrects, but Kangin begs to differ.
“You don’t remember? I broke up with you on my birthday because you were too busy complaining about how your wings were only for show?”
“Lies!” Leeteuk exclaims, hands to his hips. “I broke up with you on your birthday because you were too much of a drunkard to spend the day with me instead of at the-”
“Damn it, Teukie, stop being biased and let me-”
“No!” Leeteuk shrieks, and perhaps in a moment of irrationality Leeteuk picks up a nearby stapler and hurls it at Kangin. But much to Leeteuk’s surprise the stapler never makes it to Kangin’s face as intended; about halfway in its projectile it swerves, makes a sharp left, and makes its way into Shindong’s open and waiting mouth.
A moment of silence spent for the most part by Leeteuk’s disbelieving glare, all before Leeteuk rolls his eyes. “Fine, you’re both in. Happy? Just get out of my sight or something.” And without taking much heed to the complete irony in his decision, Leeteuk dismisses the two without further thought.
Several hours and rainfalls later, Heechul, Hankyung and Siwon get their chance to audition-and Heechul is quite angry when Leeteuk tells them that Siwon doesn’t have to audition.
“How is that even fair?” Heechul demands and Leeteuk kindly explains that he’s seen Siwon’s audition before. And even though Siwon really has no clue what Leeteuk’s talking about, he nods and lets it go anyway.
Hankyung’s audition is an impressive demonstration of martial arts, while Heechul shows off a rather convincing reenactment from a famous drama. And though Leeteuk is aware that they’re simply ordinary talents, he supposes not everyone on the team has to be supernatural by any means.
And so when Leeteuk tells him they’re in, Heechul frowns with dissatisfaction.
“That’s it?” he asks after information has been exchanged and the three are out of the building. “That was… anticlimactic.”
“I can think of several things we could do that would be more climactic,” Hankyung suggests, and Heechul smirks knowingly before following Hankyung and pulling a reverent yet quite willing Siwon back to their apartment.
Donghae and Eunhyuk are the very last to audition, and by this time Leeteuk is absolutely spent.
“So this is how it stands,” Leeteuk explains. “We need four more people, and you’re the last two to audition. So basically, you’d have to be an idiot to flop your audition.”
“Donghae can do idiot,” Eunhyuk says with a snigger, and Donghae quickly explains to Leeteuk that ‘Idiot’ is not his talent.
Eunhyuk goes first.
“I can control things,” he explains, and to demonstrate he asks the stapler to waste a staple (“That better be all you do with that stapler. I just got the thing replaced, and the last thing I need is someone eating it again.”). Then he asks Donghae to hiccup, and before the younger man can voice a protest a hiccup catches his breath.
“Cliché,” Leeteuk remarks, “but it’s definitely not what I’d consider flopping an audition.”
Eunhyuk nods. “I can control things if reasonable to the thing themselves, though. For instance, I couldn’t ask a stapler to dance. However, ‘stop’ is usually a word in everything’s vocabulary.”
“And that’d be useful, definitely,” Leeteuk with a nod, and with that he tells Eunhyuk he’s officially in. After that he turns to Donghae and asks him to begin his audition.
“I have full access to the entire Wikipedia database,” is all Donghae says, and Leeteuk almost chokes on his own saliva. “For instance, Astral projection, or astral travel, is an esoteric interpretation of any form of out-of-body experience that assumes the existence of-”
“Point proven,” interjects Leeteuk, who really is tired and doesn’t care for much of anything. “You’re in.”
Several days later, the eleven men are called back for a general meeting,
“First, you all have to swear an oath, saying that you promise to honor your obligations and your integrity. Basically, don’t sell us out.” And after eleven men make the oath in a low grumble, Leeteuk continues. “So now that that’s out of the way, can anyone tell me if the name Lee Sungmin rings a bell?”
“He’s a well known martial artist,” says Hankyung, and Heechul looks at him incredulously.
“Ya, Lee Sungmin?-the same guy on the news the other day?”
“That’s the one,” Leeteuk replies, waving a hand at Heechul. “Do you remember what he was in the news for?”
Heechul furrows his brow. “Ah, not really… but apparently he’s done something that has the whole world wanting him.”
“Basically. And by wanting him, we really mean wanting him.” Leeteuk laughs at the array of expressions he sees. “Lee Sungmin was recently found to have a rare mutation that would make all of his offspring geniuses, physically beautiful, and nearly immortal. Needless to say, his sperm is probably the most valuable substance on earth, which has got everyone wanting him in more ways than one.
“And that’s where you all come in. Your job is to protect Sungmin from the crazies.”
“The… crazies?” they all ask with slightly worried tones in their voices, but Leeteuk only smiles and leaves them at those words.
Later that day, eleven men discover why the crazies are after Sungmin, because quite frankly he really was the most beautiful man in the world, if not the cutest and most adorable.
“Kui Xian, I want one!”
“…why’d I have to make that stupid oath?”
“Eunhyuk, stop staring! :(“
“No, we are not making this into an OT4!”
“Hi,” Sungmin says rather weakly, mostly out of embarrassment for everyone’s reaction. “I thank you all in advance for taking care of me!”
And when Sungmin bows, eleven men throw their masculinity out of the window-because hell, wasn’t Sungmin’s bow just the cutest thing in the world or what.
Kangin is the first to find the loophole within the oath they’d all made, though he mostly keeps it to himself. And as he’d just recent broken up with Leeteuk, he seizes the moment and decides to exploit the loophole entirely.
“The oath we swore said that we vowed to protect you, that we wouldn’t sell you out to the crazies, that we wouldn’t sell your sperm for personal interest, blah, blah, blah. But we didn’t vow to be romantically involved with you, right?”
Sungmin nods. “It’s not that my sperm is illegal or anything. It’s just, the crazies would probably kill me for it. And I sorta kinda like my life.”
“As do I,” Kangin replies smoothly, and Sungmin can’t help but to chuckle under his breath.
“Kangin, was it?”
“Yeah,” Kangin replies victoriously, and the rest is history.
…or at least, it would have been history, if it hadn’t been for the other ten men’s interference. But before anyone can react to the newly established Kangmin OTP, they’re all hit by a first encounter of the crazies.
“An army of cats?” Sungmin asks in disbelief, but before he can say much more Kangin pushes him away and out of the fray.
They find out that the “army of cats” is the Official Hyaku Fan Club’s attempt at hitting Sungmin’s weak spot of cats, naturally due to his own cat. None of the twelve other men really understand the logic behind it (“Don’t tell me they intend on having the cats kidnap him,” Heechul barks while nursing a wound from a cat’s bite), except perhaps in that it sets a guilty feeling in them for having to fight animals.
As a result, most of them end up being rather useless. Wikipedia ends up being an absolute flop, and so Donghae spends most of his time covering Ryeowook’s mouth to prevent his frightened shrieks from turning possibly-brainwashed kittens into fur balls and mangled bones. Kangin also finds himself useless, so he spends most of his time protecting Sungmin (albeit rather unnecessarily). And Zhou Mi’s 1UP’s for Kyuhyun are rather ineffective, since cats already had nine lives from the very start.
In the end, Eunhyuk is the only one who’s actually capable of doing anything, and with a simple word the cats stop and return to their owners.
“And why couldn’t you have done that earlier?” Hankyung complains, who is still poised in stance. “Do you know how difficult it is to use martial arts on cats less than a tenth of your size?”
“It was amusing to watch you all fail,” Eunhyuk says simply, and for the rest of the day he’s ignored.
In an attempt at some form of team building, the twelve men and Sungmin go out to dinner at a local restaurant, and though conversation lasts the entire time it is both broken and hostile-though the latter is mostly a direct result of Kangin’s romantic involvement with Sungmin.
“It’s not going against the rules,” Leeteuk informs a bitter Siwon, who seems to feel as if he’s been cheated. “Your only job is to keep Sungmin from harm.”
“But, but-” and Siwon raises his hands to make rather crude gestures. “But, but, it’s….”
“Sex?” offers Heechul, and Siwon snaps in his direction with wide eyes, as if the mere mentioning of the word had brought upon the apocalypse. “Ya, Siwon, you’re twenty-two, stop acting like a-”
“And besides,” Hankyung adds, cutting Heechul off, “Kangin’s a guy. Even if he had sex with Sungmin, it’s not like he can use Sungmin’s sperm for his own offspring.”
“But, but….” Siwon bites his lip, turning back to Leeteuk. “Doesn’t that bother you any? Seeing Kangin with Mr. Perfect Sungmin?”
“I’m not even going to ask how you found out about that,” Leeteuk snaps bitterly, “but no, I don’t. It’s his life. He can do whatever the heck he wants.”
“Heck?” Heechul echoes in disbelief. “What’s up with all this watered down language? I swear, if this is all just because you’re trying to convince yourselves that you don’t like Kangin and that you don’t like Sungmin, then I’m going to-”
But Heechul doesn’t quite get the chance to finish, and before anyone can figure out what Heechul’s going to do a sudden “Kui Xian, that’s not fair!” drowns all other conversation.
“He’s a little loud,” Sungmin states rather obviously, and Kyuhyun only responds with an idiotically foolish nod.
“He’s mine,” Kangin and Zhou Mi say in unison, though Kangin barks and pulls Sungmin away, while Zhou Mi whines and clings onto Kyuhyun.
“Why isn’t it fair?” Kyuhyun asks quietly, turning to his shoulder and Zhou Mi’s face. “Wait, scratch that. What isn’t fair?”
“You paying attention to everything in the world except me? Like it’s pretty obvious you’re falling for Sungmin here”-Sungmin turns away shyly upon hearing this-“and it’s not like you already cheat on me with StarCraft.”
“I do not-” Kyuhyun begins to protest, but one challenging glare from Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun decides to stop. He sighs and shrugs, shrugging his shoulder lightly in an attempt to prod Zhou Mi’s head off of him. “Anyway, you’re exaggerating that a little bit, aren’t you? I’m not falling for Sungmin at all.”
“Lies!” Zhou Mi cries, and Kangin gives a similar, nonverbal response. And it’s only Sungmin who ends up believing him, but the fact that he only manages to do so with a shy and small nod gives Kyuhyun an unsettling feeling of false hope-wait, no, uncertainty. Yeah, uncertainty.
The dinner ends on Donghae’s note, who screams “What if aliens invade earth and kidnap Sungmin and force him to breed with them to make perfect offspring will we be prepared what if they abduct us in the process OMG we need to be prepared and we need to make our-”
“Run-on sentence, Hae,” Eunhyuk reminds, and Donghae pauses for a brief moment to look it up.
“Oh, right.” He tries again. “So what if aliens decide to invade earth in an attempt to kidnap Sungmin and to force him to breed with them in order to make perfect offspring? What if they abduct us in the process? We need to be-”
“If aliens really do come,” begins Leeteuk, “then you’ll just have to do your jobs and not let Sungmin get kidnapped. Right?”
It takes two hours of everything before Eunhyuk manages to calm Donghae down after that.
A few days later, Leeteuk happily informs them of the two new and final additions to their team.
“Kim Kibum and Henry Lau, both from the North America auditions we were hosting. Supposedly quite promising.”
“When are they coming?”
“Right about… now.” And though Leeteuk is two seconds too early the other men quickly forget about the error. The room flashes white, blinding everyone in the room, but within moments all is normal-except for the fact that thirteen men are now fifteen.
A moment’s pause, and they all watch as Henry slowly and awkwardly unwraps himself from Kibum waist. And then,
“OMG he’s so cute!” And without another word Donghae runs forward and slings his arm around Kibum-but the moment they make contact the room flashes yet another bright white, and when Donghae’s eyes adjust to the room once more Kibum is nowhere to be seen.
“Let it go, Hae,” Eunhyuk grumbles, and he pulls Donghae back to himself, perhaps a little too possessively.
“dg;hboihadstbg034hbtjk;laxhg08341?” Henry shrieks at Donghae, stepping forward-but he comes to a stop when he sees Donghae’s confused face.
“sabso;thiq3rt0,” Hankyung says quietly, as he dares to place a hand on Henry’s shoulder. “sb;otp39qur18bo;ka.jrtq. f;dslog’asih, sbnkal?”
“Oh, right,” Henry replies apologetically. Then, after a quick sigh, he turns to Donghae again. “What did you do that for?”
“I didn’t know!” Donghae yells back at Henry. And then, in a quieter tone, he adds, “What did he do, anyway?”
“He flashes white to make escape easier,” Henry says. “It’s something like the compression of heat and then releasing them at the same time. That, or it might’ve been the intensification of-”
“…forget I asked,” Donghae interjects, shaking his head. “Wikipedia doesn’t know, so I suppose it’s not something worth knowing.”
“So I suppose you’re the one with teleportation abilities?” Leeteuk asks deductively, and Henry nods brightly. “Impressive-or are there drawbacks beneath the surface?”
Henry nods quietly. “It’s not really a drawback. I just can’t teleport by myself. I sorta have to be holding something to do it… usually it’s Kibum, but my violin also works nicely.”
“That’s… random.” And thereafter Leeteuk takes turns introducing to Henry everyone else in the room. He starts with himself (“I’m sorta just the leader. Nothing special.”), then moves onto Heechul (“He has the power to convince through acting”) and onto Eunhyuk (“He doesn’t really convince people, though. He sorta just makes them. And by words, not actions.”)
At this point Kibum casually enters the room as if nothing had happened, and only Donghae gives him a pleading look before Leeteuk continues.
“Hankyung does martial arts, Yesung sorta has foresight-”
“Sorta?” Henry asks curiously, and Yesung explains to him how he can only ‘foresee’ events that actually won’t happen. “That’s sorta…”
“Fail,” Heechul finishes conclusively, and Yesung only hangs his head and nods.
Leeteuk continues onto Kangin (“No one important, don’t worry.”) and Shindong (“He can swallow anything and everything without consequence. Quite handy.”) before moving onto Sungmin.
“He’s the guy you’re here to protect,” Leeteuk explains, and with glazed eyes and a gaping mouth Henry nods (Kibum lets out a rather throaty growl upon seeing this, and Eunhyuk does the same when Donghae’s eyes widen at the sound of his growl moments later.).
The introductions go quickly after that, with Zhou Mi’s being the only one Henry doesn’t quite catch the first time around (“323rhieobgtg0 h913gwegbk;lzia,” Hankyung had explained). And the moment Henry excitedly asks “So what’s first?” the second wave of crazies decides to attack.
They’re more prepared this time, though it’s mostly as a result of being unable to leave the building.
“So apparently warriors from a Mongolian tribe have the grounds surrounded,” Yesung informs Leeteuk. “And if there’s one thing I can tell you, it’s that they won’t leave voluntarily.”
“You’re so useful,” Leeteuk replies dryly, but he smiles and gives Yesung his thanks before turning to everyone else. “Everyone ready?”
Everyone nods, and with a bright flash of white the battle truly begins.
Click here for Part 2
(And you haven't yet already, please check this out. It's for aforementioned crack fic)
Title: Saving Private Sungmin, and then some
Pairing: Includes, but is not limited to, Kangteuk, Sihanchul, Qmi, Eunhae, Henbum, Ryeokoma, and Kyucraft.
Rating: A solid PG13
Genre: Crack, random humor.
Word Count: 14,243 words
Summary: Sungmin is discovered to have a rare mutation that would make all of his offspring geniuses, physically beautiful, and nearly immortal. His sperm becomes the most valuable substance on earth, and it's up to the rest of Super Junior to protect him from the crazies at all costs.
Saving Private ______ Archive: here
Saving Private Sungmin, and then some
Part 1
Yesung receives the call while in the middle of feeding his pet turtle Ddangkoma.
“Yesung!” Ryeowook’s voice greets him from his end of the connection. “Did you hear the news?”
“No, I was busy feeding Ddangkoma.” Then, after listening to Ryeowook whine about the turtle, Yesung adds, “Why, is it something I should know?”
“Ya, Yesung, they’re doing auditions!” Ryeowook only exclaims. And Yesung, with wide eyes, drops both Ddangkoma and its food before grabbing a coat and rushing out of his apartment.
Hankyung is busy making Beijing Fried Rice when he receives the call.
“Ya, Hankyung,” Heechul’s voice calls from the table. “I want my damn breakfast.”
“Stop being so impatient,” Hankyung snaps, before turning back to his rice. “Go make yourself productive by reading the paper already.”
“Speaking of the paper, did you hear the news? They’ve finally started auditions.”
“They have?” a voice calls suddenly, and within moments Siwon’s head pokes through the doorway. “Well what’re we waiting for, then?”
“Hush Siwon, no one was talking to you. Go back to your Bible or something.”
“But, but….” Siwon turns to Hankyung desperately. “Hankyung!”
“Why are you asking for my permission? I’m not your father!”
“Of course not,” Heechul quips. “You’re wearing the apron.” Siwon ignores Heechul before looking at Hankyung expectantly-but it only takes moments before Hankyung pulls away, bursting into laughter.
“Ah, Siwon, your eyebrows, they…” but the rest of Hankyung’s coherency gets thrown out the window. And somehow, between Hankyung’s hysterical laughter, it is decided that the three would leave after Hankyung finishes cooking.
Kyuhyun is playing StarCraft when he receives the call.
“Kui Xian!” Zhou Mi yells from the next room over, holding several different outfits in each hand. “They’re doing auditions now! We need to go!”
“Later,” Kyuhyun mumbles dismissively. “I’m in the middle of pwning some-”
“But Kui Xian, the auditions are-”
“Later,” Kyuhyun replies in finality, and Zhou Mi sulks before leaving their apartment alone.
Kibum is in the middle of class in Los Angeles when he receives the call.
“asdjg;lgh! An3eglarksjgh;ghawnlrkl.inhg/.4ogn42nsajlg,” is what bursts into his ear, and Kibum has to remind Henry that he doesn’t quite understand that language.
“And won’t this use up your international minutes?”
“It’s okay,” Henry replies in English cheerfully, “I’ve got free weekend minutes to anywhere in Canada and the continental US!” And when Kibum is finally convinced (“Is today Saturday?-why am I in class on a Saturday? I’m so out of it.”), Henry’s voice screams into the phone once more. “Kibum, did you hear? They’re doing international auditions! But they’re only going to be on the west coast, so I was wondering if I could sleep over at yours during the auditions?”
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Kibum says quickly. “Hey, you think you could call me back later?-or Skype later tonight, maybe. I’m in class.”
“Ah, yeah, fine. But text me first, because I’ll probably be busy catching up on my episodes of LOST.”
“What, LOST?-House is so much better. But yeah, I really need to go. Catch you later?”
“Yup!” Henry replies enthusiastically, and when the line goes dead Kibum sighs with a complete lack of said enthusiasm before returning to his class.
Kangin is accompanying Shindong in shopping for groceries when he receives the call.
“There!” Shindong points suddenly, and Kangin turns around, expecting something exciting or out of the ordinary. “No, on the back of the coupon book!”
And Kangin nearly drops the book when he sees the words: “AUDITIONS BEGIN ON FEBRUARY FIRST.”
“That’s today!” Kangin cries in realization, and as it all begins to set in he turns to Shindong with wide eyes, looking at each other and the still empty cart between them.
And amongst the both of them, they officially decide that auditions are worth starving and skipping a few meals over.
Donghae is busy admiring the colorful fish at the aquarium when he receives the call.
“I just got off the phone with Siwon!” Eunhyuk yells, and every single head turns in his direction. “They’re starting auditions! Finally!”
“Really?” Donghae asks excitedly, and the fish in the background attempt to mirror Donghae’s reaction. “When are they starting?”
“Today, apparently. Meaning we need to go. Like, now.”
“But, but…” Donghae points at the nearby blowfish. “Fish….”
“The line’s probably already miles long,” Eunhyuk hisses, nodding to the exit. “We leave. Now.” And Donghae only pouts and attempts to poke the blowfish through the glass before being dragged out of the aquarium.
Zhou Mi defines his love for Kyuhyun by standing in line for an entire hour to save their spot, by remaining in spot even when it begins to rain and he’s forgotten his umbrella.
Kyuhyun, on the other hand, defines his love for Zhou Mi by showing up with the most gigantic battery attached to the laptop cradled in his arms, and by bringing an umbrella to prevent not Zhou Mi from getting wet but rather the computer.
And though Zhou Mi really does love Kyuhyun, and as Zhou Mi is drenched contemplating about it, he decides that he really, really despises the Kyucraft OTP.
“Nooooooo,” Siwon all but yells when they arrive and see the two-mile long line that’s formed. “Look at the line! Why so long?!”
“There can’t be this many competent people,” Heechul says to himself, glancing at the line. “What the hell. You can’t all be seriously auditioning.”
“And it’s all because Hankyung wanted to finish cooking his rice!” Siwon yells, glaring at the Chinese man. “GOD LOOKS DOWN ON YOU RIGHT NOW.”
“Oh well,” is Hankyung’s only reply, and as Siwon enters a fit about how Hankyung shouldn’t be so apathetic Hankyung turns to Heechul. “So while we’re waiting, want some?”
Ryeowook and Yesung are the first to make their auditions.
“So what can you do?” Leeteuk asks the both of them, giving the two appraising look-downs. “You don’t look anything special.”
“Foresight,” Yesung says simply, and Leeteuk nods subtly.
“That’s… interesting. That could be useful. A demonstration, perhaps?”
“It wouldn’t be anything you can prove anytime soon though,” Yesung warns, but Leeteuk dismisses the warning and waits expectantly. “All right, so right now I could tell you that… you aren’t going to get mugged in a dark alley. Nor will you run into your ex-boyfriend next January 17th.”
When Yesung looks up, he finds Leeteuk nodding impressively. “Could you tell me something I will do, though? Or something that will happen to me?”
And the last response Leeteuk expects is for Yesung to shake his head. “I actually can’t. I can only see things that won’t happen. So like right now, for instance, I saw you getting mugged in an alley, and I also saw you-”
“That’s enough,” Leeteuk interjects, and Yesung quickly catches himself from saying more. “Actually, as fail as that is, it’s still quite useful. Consider yourself in, for the time being.” And as Yesung high-fives Ryeowook Leeteuk turns to the shorter man.
“So what can you do?”
“I can sing at abnormally high pitches and shatter things with my voice?”
Leeteuk only nods passively. “Cliché, but useful. Can you do a demonstration?”
“No, because there’s a chance you’d shatter too.”
“…oh.” And as Ryeowook laughs at the sudden realization and horror that passes through his face, Leeteuk only raises and eyebrow and nods. “Well, fine, you’re both in. Didn’t quite think we’d score so well on the first auditions, but….”
“We passed!” Ryeowook exclaims, and Yesung grins back with the same enthusiasm. But their celebration only lasts for a moment, and it’s only after a premonition involving Ddangkoma becoming obese that Yesung remembers that he’s forgotten to finish feeding his pet turtle, and the two only linger long enough to give their information to Leeteuk before racing home to the turtle’s rescue.
Yesung and Ryeowook dart past Eunhyuk and Donghae the second the latter two realize how long the line is.
“I blame your stupid obsession with fish,” Eunhyuk scowls, even though it had been his money that had granted them admittance into the aquarium.
And Donghae, with hurt and accusing eyes, only points to the air beside Eunhyuk. “I blame your stupid monkey balloon, then.”
“That’s a low blow!” Eunhyuk exclaims. “It was really cool looking, and I’ve never seen one made like this before-”
“And how is that any different than me having never seen a great white shark before?” Donghae protests, and his rage is only amplified further when Eunhyuk points hesitantly at his own head. “Just because I can doesn’t mean I do it, you know!”
“Calm down,” Eunhyuk mumbles, and as Donghae finds himself doing exactly that he pouts.
“…damn it, Eunhyuk, I hate you so much right now.”
By the time Zhou Mi’s and Kyuhyun’s auditions come round, Leeteuk is absolutely enraged.
“Please tell me you have something legitimate to audition,” Leeteuk all but seethes at the both of them. “So far we’ve only had two legitimate performances, both having been the very first two to show up. Everyone else has come as a spy or just to see me.”
“Spy?” Zhou Mi asks, somewhat surprised and worried, but Leeteuk dismisses it without further mention.
Kyuhyun steps forward first, mainly because he’s left his laptop to a n00b just outside the room and doesn’t quite trust him with the imminent and epic battle between Protoss and Zerg units alike.
“I calculate,” is all Kyuhyun says, turning to Zhou Mi for a demonstration, and though the claim is short and simple it certainly gets Leeteuk’s attention.
Zhou Mi pulls out a textbook from his bag and flips it open to a random page. “Solve the initial value problem given by (blah blah blah).”
“ (This answer, expressed in words),” Kyuhyun replies in an instant, without even a second’s hesitance.
“How many inches are in 49.6 centimeters?”
“Exactly 19.5 inches.”
“If a train travels from Town A at 200mph and a train travels from Town B at 250mph, at what hour will they meet each other if the two cities are 3000 miles apart and both trains leave at the same time?”
“Question negligible,” Kyuhyun spits out. “Destinations of trains are not specified.”
“How many Korean boy band members does it take to change a light bulb?”
“Only one, assuming he’s tall enough. But it takes the entire band to show off unnecessary choreography in their victory dance mv.”
“All right, all right,” Leeteuk manages between laughter. “I get the point. But wow, that’s impressive. I can’t say it’s useful necessarily, but compared to everything else I’ve seen… you’re in.”
And without even giving his thanks or his contact information, Kyuhyun races out of the room to retrieve his laptop. Leeteuk and Zhou Mi only stare at his absence for several moments, all before a “Nooooooooooo you killed me!” echoes through the entire room.
“So,” Leeteuk asks Zhou Mi with as much of a straight voice as he can muster. “What exactly can you do?”
“Me?” Zhou Mi asks, turning to the sulking Kyuhyun as he reenters the room. “I give Kui Xian his 1UP’s.”
“Kui Xian?” Leeteuk asks, and it takes a moment for the man to realize that Kui Xian and Kyuhyun are the same person. But then, the more pressing question: “1UP?”
“Yeah, watch.”-and after some form of ritualistic dance a mushroom floats its way over to Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun raises his hand in triumph as the mushroom enters his body and disappears from sight entirely.
Leeteuk stares for a moment, dumbfounded, and for several moments he can’t even find the proper words to say within him. And in fact, it takes a quick reminder from Kyuhyun for Leeteuk to remember that he’s supposed to be speaking before Leeteuk actually speaks.
“I… don’t really see how that’ll be of any help,” is what Leeteuk finally ends up saying. “But granted it’s still legitimate, we’ll take you. Consider yourself in.”
And while Zhou Mi’s reaction is an understatement of elation, Kyuhyun’s is anything but.
“Are we done now?” he asks, almost hisses. “I’m almost out of battery.”
“Those two took a longer time than the others,” Siwon mutters nervously as he watches Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi walk by. “You think their auditions were successful?”
“Probably,” Heechul replies through a mouthful of fried rice. And then, taking a quick glance at Siwon, Heechul shakes his head. “Ya, relax Siwon, if they found everyone they needed we’d have been sent home by now.”
“But, but,” but after Heechul’s annoyed and predatory glare Siwon forces himself to be quiet. And then, after a moment’s pause, he turns to Hankyung and smiles hesitantly.
“Seconds?” Hankyung guesses, and Siwon nods gratefully.
Even though they’re perfectly capable of talking to each other over the phone, Kibum withholds his promise and entertains a conversation with Henry over Skype.
“Korea’s auditions are today,” Henry reminds Kibum, and Kibum only nods weakly as his form of acknowledge. “They’re probably going on right now, actually.”
“And how about ours…?”
“Tomorrow,” Henry replies, in a tone that says something of the I-can’t-believe-you-didn’t-know-that sort. “And I plan on leaving here early tomorrow morning.”
“Good to know.”
A pause.
“So,” begins Henry, “did you see the new episode of LOST?”
“Henry, I told you, I don’t watch LOST.”
“Oh, right, you watch House.” Another pause. “How about Heroes?”
“No. I watch Chuck though.”
Henry sighs. “What a pity.”
“How are they still doing fucking auditions?!” Heechul shrieks when the line moves by yet another person’s gap.
And then, after watching Siwon mutter prayer to himself and after taking a look at Hankyung’s amused expression, Heechul laughs at his fault. “Fucking like, fucking with emphasis, not like auditions with fucking-wait no, fucking as in… ah, forget it.”
Heechul decides that it’s a good thing that Siwon’s too busy purging dirty thoughts out of his head to have heard him. Because when Hankyung raises his eyebrows suggestively, it’s actually rather sexy-but if Siwon had done it, it’d actually be downright awkward and rather disturbing.
Shindong and Kangin are the next to audition.
“I don’t understand,” Leeteuk says flatly. “What’s the big deal about being able to walk incredibly slowly?”
“To go undetected?” Kangin offers, and Leeteuk only shakes his head disbelievingly. “Oh come off it, Teukie, you know perfectly well of my advantages. You’re just trying to be a stick in the mud because I broke up with you.”
“No, I broke up with you,” Leeteuk corrects, but Kangin begs to differ.
“You don’t remember? I broke up with you on my birthday because you were too busy complaining about how your wings were only for show?”
“Lies!” Leeteuk exclaims, hands to his hips. “I broke up with you on your birthday because you were too much of a drunkard to spend the day with me instead of at the-”
“Damn it, Teukie, stop being biased and let me-”
“No!” Leeteuk shrieks, and perhaps in a moment of irrationality Leeteuk picks up a nearby stapler and hurls it at Kangin. But much to Leeteuk’s surprise the stapler never makes it to Kangin’s face as intended; about halfway in its projectile it swerves, makes a sharp left, and makes its way into Shindong’s open and waiting mouth.
A moment of silence spent for the most part by Leeteuk’s disbelieving glare, all before Leeteuk rolls his eyes. “Fine, you’re both in. Happy? Just get out of my sight or something.” And without taking much heed to the complete irony in his decision, Leeteuk dismisses the two without further thought.
Several hours and rainfalls later, Heechul, Hankyung and Siwon get their chance to audition-and Heechul is quite angry when Leeteuk tells them that Siwon doesn’t have to audition.
“How is that even fair?” Heechul demands and Leeteuk kindly explains that he’s seen Siwon’s audition before. And even though Siwon really has no clue what Leeteuk’s talking about, he nods and lets it go anyway.
Hankyung’s audition is an impressive demonstration of martial arts, while Heechul shows off a rather convincing reenactment from a famous drama. And though Leeteuk is aware that they’re simply ordinary talents, he supposes not everyone on the team has to be supernatural by any means.
And so when Leeteuk tells him they’re in, Heechul frowns with dissatisfaction.
“That’s it?” he asks after information has been exchanged and the three are out of the building. “That was… anticlimactic.”
“I can think of several things we could do that would be more climactic,” Hankyung suggests, and Heechul smirks knowingly before following Hankyung and pulling a reverent yet quite willing Siwon back to their apartment.
Donghae and Eunhyuk are the very last to audition, and by this time Leeteuk is absolutely spent.
“So this is how it stands,” Leeteuk explains. “We need four more people, and you’re the last two to audition. So basically, you’d have to be an idiot to flop your audition.”
“Donghae can do idiot,” Eunhyuk says with a snigger, and Donghae quickly explains to Leeteuk that ‘Idiot’ is not his talent.
Eunhyuk goes first.
“I can control things,” he explains, and to demonstrate he asks the stapler to waste a staple (“That better be all you do with that stapler. I just got the thing replaced, and the last thing I need is someone eating it again.”). Then he asks Donghae to hiccup, and before the younger man can voice a protest a hiccup catches his breath.
“Cliché,” Leeteuk remarks, “but it’s definitely not what I’d consider flopping an audition.”
Eunhyuk nods. “I can control things if reasonable to the thing themselves, though. For instance, I couldn’t ask a stapler to dance. However, ‘stop’ is usually a word in everything’s vocabulary.”
“And that’d be useful, definitely,” Leeteuk with a nod, and with that he tells Eunhyuk he’s officially in. After that he turns to Donghae and asks him to begin his audition.
“I have full access to the entire Wikipedia database,” is all Donghae says, and Leeteuk almost chokes on his own saliva. “For instance, Astral projection, or astral travel, is an esoteric interpretation of any form of out-of-body experience that assumes the existence of-”
“Point proven,” interjects Leeteuk, who really is tired and doesn’t care for much of anything. “You’re in.”
Several days later, the eleven men are called back for a general meeting,
“First, you all have to swear an oath, saying that you promise to honor your obligations and your integrity. Basically, don’t sell us out.” And after eleven men make the oath in a low grumble, Leeteuk continues. “So now that that’s out of the way, can anyone tell me if the name Lee Sungmin rings a bell?”
“He’s a well known martial artist,” says Hankyung, and Heechul looks at him incredulously.
“Ya, Lee Sungmin?-the same guy on the news the other day?”
“That’s the one,” Leeteuk replies, waving a hand at Heechul. “Do you remember what he was in the news for?”
Heechul furrows his brow. “Ah, not really… but apparently he’s done something that has the whole world wanting him.”
“Basically. And by wanting him, we really mean wanting him.” Leeteuk laughs at the array of expressions he sees. “Lee Sungmin was recently found to have a rare mutation that would make all of his offspring geniuses, physically beautiful, and nearly immortal. Needless to say, his sperm is probably the most valuable substance on earth, which has got everyone wanting him in more ways than one.
“And that’s where you all come in. Your job is to protect Sungmin from the crazies.”
“The… crazies?” they all ask with slightly worried tones in their voices, but Leeteuk only smiles and leaves them at those words.
Later that day, eleven men discover why the crazies are after Sungmin, because quite frankly he really was the most beautiful man in the world, if not the cutest and most adorable.
“Kui Xian, I want one!”
“…why’d I have to make that stupid oath?”
“Eunhyuk, stop staring! :(“
“No, we are not making this into an OT4!”
“Hi,” Sungmin says rather weakly, mostly out of embarrassment for everyone’s reaction. “I thank you all in advance for taking care of me!”
And when Sungmin bows, eleven men throw their masculinity out of the window-because hell, wasn’t Sungmin’s bow just the cutest thing in the world or what.
Kangin is the first to find the loophole within the oath they’d all made, though he mostly keeps it to himself. And as he’d just recent broken up with Leeteuk, he seizes the moment and decides to exploit the loophole entirely.
“The oath we swore said that we vowed to protect you, that we wouldn’t sell you out to the crazies, that we wouldn’t sell your sperm for personal interest, blah, blah, blah. But we didn’t vow to be romantically involved with you, right?”
Sungmin nods. “It’s not that my sperm is illegal or anything. It’s just, the crazies would probably kill me for it. And I sorta kinda like my life.”
“As do I,” Kangin replies smoothly, and Sungmin can’t help but to chuckle under his breath.
“Kangin, was it?”
“Yeah,” Kangin replies victoriously, and the rest is history.
…or at least, it would have been history, if it hadn’t been for the other ten men’s interference. But before anyone can react to the newly established Kangmin OTP, they’re all hit by a first encounter of the crazies.
“An army of cats?” Sungmin asks in disbelief, but before he can say much more Kangin pushes him away and out of the fray.
They find out that the “army of cats” is the Official Hyaku Fan Club’s attempt at hitting Sungmin’s weak spot of cats, naturally due to his own cat. None of the twelve other men really understand the logic behind it (“Don’t tell me they intend on having the cats kidnap him,” Heechul barks while nursing a wound from a cat’s bite), except perhaps in that it sets a guilty feeling in them for having to fight animals.
As a result, most of them end up being rather useless. Wikipedia ends up being an absolute flop, and so Donghae spends most of his time covering Ryeowook’s mouth to prevent his frightened shrieks from turning possibly-brainwashed kittens into fur balls and mangled bones. Kangin also finds himself useless, so he spends most of his time protecting Sungmin (albeit rather unnecessarily). And Zhou Mi’s 1UP’s for Kyuhyun are rather ineffective, since cats already had nine lives from the very start.
In the end, Eunhyuk is the only one who’s actually capable of doing anything, and with a simple word the cats stop and return to their owners.
“And why couldn’t you have done that earlier?” Hankyung complains, who is still poised in stance. “Do you know how difficult it is to use martial arts on cats less than a tenth of your size?”
“It was amusing to watch you all fail,” Eunhyuk says simply, and for the rest of the day he’s ignored.
In an attempt at some form of team building, the twelve men and Sungmin go out to dinner at a local restaurant, and though conversation lasts the entire time it is both broken and hostile-though the latter is mostly a direct result of Kangin’s romantic involvement with Sungmin.
“It’s not going against the rules,” Leeteuk informs a bitter Siwon, who seems to feel as if he’s been cheated. “Your only job is to keep Sungmin from harm.”
“But, but-” and Siwon raises his hands to make rather crude gestures. “But, but, it’s….”
“Sex?” offers Heechul, and Siwon snaps in his direction with wide eyes, as if the mere mentioning of the word had brought upon the apocalypse. “Ya, Siwon, you’re twenty-two, stop acting like a-”
“And besides,” Hankyung adds, cutting Heechul off, “Kangin’s a guy. Even if he had sex with Sungmin, it’s not like he can use Sungmin’s sperm for his own offspring.”
“But, but….” Siwon bites his lip, turning back to Leeteuk. “Doesn’t that bother you any? Seeing Kangin with Mr. Perfect Sungmin?”
“I’m not even going to ask how you found out about that,” Leeteuk snaps bitterly, “but no, I don’t. It’s his life. He can do whatever the heck he wants.”
“Heck?” Heechul echoes in disbelief. “What’s up with all this watered down language? I swear, if this is all just because you’re trying to convince yourselves that you don’t like Kangin and that you don’t like Sungmin, then I’m going to-”
But Heechul doesn’t quite get the chance to finish, and before anyone can figure out what Heechul’s going to do a sudden “Kui Xian, that’s not fair!” drowns all other conversation.
“He’s a little loud,” Sungmin states rather obviously, and Kyuhyun only responds with an idiotically foolish nod.
“He’s mine,” Kangin and Zhou Mi say in unison, though Kangin barks and pulls Sungmin away, while Zhou Mi whines and clings onto Kyuhyun.
“Why isn’t it fair?” Kyuhyun asks quietly, turning to his shoulder and Zhou Mi’s face. “Wait, scratch that. What isn’t fair?”
“You paying attention to everything in the world except me? Like it’s pretty obvious you’re falling for Sungmin here”-Sungmin turns away shyly upon hearing this-“and it’s not like you already cheat on me with StarCraft.”
“I do not-” Kyuhyun begins to protest, but one challenging glare from Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun decides to stop. He sighs and shrugs, shrugging his shoulder lightly in an attempt to prod Zhou Mi’s head off of him. “Anyway, you’re exaggerating that a little bit, aren’t you? I’m not falling for Sungmin at all.”
“Lies!” Zhou Mi cries, and Kangin gives a similar, nonverbal response. And it’s only Sungmin who ends up believing him, but the fact that he only manages to do so with a shy and small nod gives Kyuhyun an unsettling feeling of false hope-wait, no, uncertainty. Yeah, uncertainty.
The dinner ends on Donghae’s note, who screams “What if aliens invade earth and kidnap Sungmin and force him to breed with them to make perfect offspring will we be prepared what if they abduct us in the process OMG we need to be prepared and we need to make our-”
“Run-on sentence, Hae,” Eunhyuk reminds, and Donghae pauses for a brief moment to look it up.
“Oh, right.” He tries again. “So what if aliens decide to invade earth in an attempt to kidnap Sungmin and to force him to breed with them in order to make perfect offspring? What if they abduct us in the process? We need to be-”
“If aliens really do come,” begins Leeteuk, “then you’ll just have to do your jobs and not let Sungmin get kidnapped. Right?”
It takes two hours of everything before Eunhyuk manages to calm Donghae down after that.
A few days later, Leeteuk happily informs them of the two new and final additions to their team.
“Kim Kibum and Henry Lau, both from the North America auditions we were hosting. Supposedly quite promising.”
“When are they coming?”
“Right about… now.” And though Leeteuk is two seconds too early the other men quickly forget about the error. The room flashes white, blinding everyone in the room, but within moments all is normal-except for the fact that thirteen men are now fifteen.
A moment’s pause, and they all watch as Henry slowly and awkwardly unwraps himself from Kibum waist. And then,
“OMG he’s so cute!” And without another word Donghae runs forward and slings his arm around Kibum-but the moment they make contact the room flashes yet another bright white, and when Donghae’s eyes adjust to the room once more Kibum is nowhere to be seen.
“Let it go, Hae,” Eunhyuk grumbles, and he pulls Donghae back to himself, perhaps a little too possessively.
“dg;hboihadstbg034hbtjk;laxhg08341?” Henry shrieks at Donghae, stepping forward-but he comes to a stop when he sees Donghae’s confused face.
“sabso;thiq3rt0,” Hankyung says quietly, as he dares to place a hand on Henry’s shoulder. “sb;otp39qur18bo;ka.jrtq. f;dslog’asih, sbnkal?”
“Oh, right,” Henry replies apologetically. Then, after a quick sigh, he turns to Donghae again. “What did you do that for?”
“I didn’t know!” Donghae yells back at Henry. And then, in a quieter tone, he adds, “What did he do, anyway?”
“He flashes white to make escape easier,” Henry says. “It’s something like the compression of heat and then releasing them at the same time. That, or it might’ve been the intensification of-”
“…forget I asked,” Donghae interjects, shaking his head. “Wikipedia doesn’t know, so I suppose it’s not something worth knowing.”
“So I suppose you’re the one with teleportation abilities?” Leeteuk asks deductively, and Henry nods brightly. “Impressive-or are there drawbacks beneath the surface?”
Henry nods quietly. “It’s not really a drawback. I just can’t teleport by myself. I sorta have to be holding something to do it… usually it’s Kibum, but my violin also works nicely.”
“That’s… random.” And thereafter Leeteuk takes turns introducing to Henry everyone else in the room. He starts with himself (“I’m sorta just the leader. Nothing special.”), then moves onto Heechul (“He has the power to convince through acting”) and onto Eunhyuk (“He doesn’t really convince people, though. He sorta just makes them. And by words, not actions.”)
At this point Kibum casually enters the room as if nothing had happened, and only Donghae gives him a pleading look before Leeteuk continues.
“Hankyung does martial arts, Yesung sorta has foresight-”
“Sorta?” Henry asks curiously, and Yesung explains to him how he can only ‘foresee’ events that actually won’t happen. “That’s sorta…”
“Fail,” Heechul finishes conclusively, and Yesung only hangs his head and nods.
Leeteuk continues onto Kangin (“No one important, don’t worry.”) and Shindong (“He can swallow anything and everything without consequence. Quite handy.”) before moving onto Sungmin.
“He’s the guy you’re here to protect,” Leeteuk explains, and with glazed eyes and a gaping mouth Henry nods (Kibum lets out a rather throaty growl upon seeing this, and Eunhyuk does the same when Donghae’s eyes widen at the sound of his growl moments later.).
The introductions go quickly after that, with Zhou Mi’s being the only one Henry doesn’t quite catch the first time around (“323rhieobgtg0 h913gwegbk;lzia,” Hankyung had explained). And the moment Henry excitedly asks “So what’s first?” the second wave of crazies decides to attack.
They’re more prepared this time, though it’s mostly as a result of being unable to leave the building.
“So apparently warriors from a Mongolian tribe have the grounds surrounded,” Yesung informs Leeteuk. “And if there’s one thing I can tell you, it’s that they won’t leave voluntarily.”
“You’re so useful,” Leeteuk replies dryly, but he smiles and gives Yesung his thanks before turning to everyone else. “Everyone ready?”
Everyone nods, and with a bright flash of white the battle truly begins.
Click here for Part 2