He looks inside himself and finds nothing.

"The first nineteen years of my life, nothing happened. Nothing at all. Ever."

I can't be falling apart like this in my last semester at Brown. I held it together in December; I have to do that again in March.

1. Invert.
2. Confront.
3. Mitigate.

Get up.

The other night, someone guessed that I'm a bad driver. Not because I'm careless or unskilled, but because I keep forgetting that I'm driving. I agreed in part, saying that I have to constantly remind myself to focus, because driving feels like dreaming ( Read more... )

Classes start tomorrow. I need to make a to-do list.

It's hard to daydream about fighting murderers and rapists when I really have to pee. I can't distance myself from my visceral state: even in the fantasy, I'm cutting throats while secretly looking for a bathroom. That's why, right now, imagining having to write a paper is way more awful than it usually is. I'm tired, and so I'm tired in the ( Read more... )

I don't know who I am or what I'm doing. I can't pinpoint when I lost track, or if I ever knew. At the start of Fall '09, I told myself that I needed a non-egocentric life goal, one that didn't fixate on the attainment of personal happiness. Happiness might result from improving some part of the world, I thought, but it would be redundant; I should ( Read more... )

Ask answered questions. Write written papers. Learn redundantly.

"You make me feel at home in my own head like I've never felt before."

Is this enough? Is my life valid yet?

To manipulate others, I think about how I manipulate myself. Most of the time, it works.

Not all of the time.