Ouroboros - Part 6
Fic title:Ouroboros
Author name:Gedry
Artist name:Counteragent
Genre: Gen
Rating:PG
Word count: 32,895
Summary:After Sam gets his soul back his relationship with Dean is rockier than ever. Secrets have piled up and tension is running high between the brothers. Their inability to get along causes problems for Bobby so he orders them to get help or get gone. Working through their problems is more complicated than they thought, and their therapist isn’t who she seems.
Session 13
“Things are not going well for me,” Cas says as he settles into the chair for their session. “We may be interrupted during our session.”
“I seriously doubt that,” Dora snorts. “But we’ll see.”
“Are you so removed from the ways of the world that you think yourself above it?” Cas questions as a feeling of irritation creeps across his grace.
“No,” Dora answers with a shake of her head. “I’m well aware of it. I think your issue with me is that, aside from how it directly impacts you and your feelings, I don’t really care.”
“Heaven is torn asunder, and you don’t care,” Cas growls.
“Castiel,” Dora comments as she sits back against her chair. “Do you remember once telling me you wished the Winchesters could realize that the universe was concerned with more than just their petty concerns?”
“Of course,” Cas replies.
“I wish the same for you at times, as well,” Dora says pointedly. “No offence meant.”
Cas sits still as a statue for a long moment before he nods and whispers, “I understand.”
“Do you?”
“I’m starting to, I think,” Cas sighs. “I’m just very frustrated much of the time. I feel as though what little progress I make costs more than I’m comfortable paying. It’s like ripping off a wing so that I can fly.”
“Interesting analogy,” Dora comments. “What keeps you going?”
“I don’t know.” Cas struggles for an answer. “Sometimes it seems like I only press forward because I have no other option.”
“You’ve walked away before,” she points out.
“They were corrupt,” Cas nods. “Dean and Sam needed me.”
“And now?”
He’s confused. “Now is different.”
“I’m trying to understand how,” Dora explains. “How is it different for you to abandon Heaven to it’s bad choices for Dean and Sam, and for you to think about doing it for your own good?”
“My needs are unimportant,” Cas explains.
“I beg to differ there,” Dora argues. “In fact, I would say your needs are probably more important.”
“But my Father brought me back for some kind of higher purpose,” Cas exclaims. “I can’t just walk away from it.”
“What exactly is this purpose?” Dora asks. “I’m confused about that.”
Cas looks out the window for a long time before he sighs and says, “I don’t know.”
“Okay,” Dora says nodding. “If you don’t know, then how are you certain you’re doing it by staying in Heaven and making yourself miserable?”
“How can I be certain I’m not?” Cas asks.
“You can’t,” Dora admits. “You have to make a choice.”
“I’m not comfortable with that,” Cas immediately argues with a sharp shake of his head. “There’s too much chaos, everything would fall apart. My friends would be in danger.”
“I think you might have described to me exactly how it already is right now,” Dora points out.
He swallows. “I’m no good at this. I wasn’t created to be free-thinking. I’m a warrior. I was brought into my celestial existence to do as I was told.”
“Maybe so,” she says. “But things have changed, and so have you.”
“I didn’t ask to be different,” Cas mutters. “I wish it weren’t the case.”
“Bullshit,” Dora chuckles, smiling as he glares at her. “I mean it. It’s the changed part of you that you are so fond of. It seems to me it’s the angelic part of you that you dislike.”
“I struggle with what is expected of me,” Cas says tonelessly.
“What if nothing was expected of you?” Dora asks. “What if you could do anything you wanted? What would you want?”
He blinks at her.
“I don’t know,” Cas sighs. “I’ve never given it much thought.”
“Maybe it’s time you did,” Dora offers. “Things have changed, Cas, whether you like it or not. Things are different inside you and around you, and you have to learn to adapt.”
“It was easier when I was following orders,” Cas breathes. “Now most of the time, I feel impotent and isolated among my brethren. They look to me for answers, and I have none to provide.”
“You have none, or you’re afraid to answer?”
“I find the concept of making a mistake very difficult to overcome,” Cas answers. “How do people live without the certainty of my Father’s will?”
“You know some people,” Dora comments. “Maybe you should ask them.”
*****
They’re sitting on the beach that night, the three of them. Cas thinks it must have been Sam’s turn to choose a dream to visit.
He’s grateful they aren’t fishing. Cas isn’t sure his nerves could take it.
“Okay,” Dean huffs. “Spill it. I’m aging here.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cas grumbles as he pulls his coat closer around himself, even though he’s not cold.
“Come on, Cas,” Sam says from off to the left where he’s settled on his back looking up at the stars. “Something is bugging you, big-time. You’ve been wound up for days, and you’re practically vibrating over there.”
“How do you know when you’ve made the right choice?” Cas blurts.
Sam sighs and mutters, “I’m going to need to sit up for this one.”
Dean, at the same time, groans, “I want a beer.”
Cas looks at them both for a long time before he shakes his head and snorts, “You don’t know, do you?”
“No, man,” Dean offers sadly. “There’s no real way to tell if you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes I think I feel it in my gut or my heart when I’m headed in the right direction, other times I don’t have a clue. I just try to keep doing something. Sitting still and letting the world run you down isn’t the right thing, either.”
“Don’t ask me,” Sam sighs. “My picker is broken as far the next right thing, and I’m pretty sure we all know that. I do the wrong thing again and again, it never works out. So I’m taking a break from it for a while. I’m just trying to have faith.”
“In God?” Cas asks curiously. He’s well aware of the Winchester aversion to the Almighty.
“In Dean,” Sam snorts.
Cas watches Dean jerk forward slightly out of the corner of his eye.
“Dean’s better at making the right choices than anyone I know,” Sam adds. “Sometimes he’s off the mark, but when he is, it’s pretty obvious how he got that way. If he’s not available, then I’m going to try to follow Bobby’s lead for a while. I need to stop fighting so hard to prove I’m good enough. I just need to start believing what everyone else seems to already think.”
Dean nods hesitantly, and Cas watches as he and Sam share a small, tired smile.
There’s silence for a while.
“I am thinking of abandoning Heaven,” Cas blurts into the stillness. His chest seems to release a bit of tension with just him uttering the words aloud for the first time.
Neither Winchester says a thing in response. He finally opens his eyes and sees them both watching him carefully.
“Christo,” Dean whispers. Sam’s head turns quickly to look at Dean who snaps, “Don’t even act like you weren’t thinking it, Sam.”
“Dude,” Sam points out. “we’re in my head.”
Dean rolls his eyes.
“I am not possessed,” Cas pouts. “I’m merely exhausted and confused. I’m not certain this was the path my Father meant for me to walk, anymore.”
“Even if it is,” Dean offers haltingly. “Is it the one you want to walk?”
“I don’t understand,” Cas responds.
“We’re trying ask if you’re happy, Cas,” Sam says. “You don’t seem like you are.”
“Yeah,” Dean adds. “We’ve got our own share of daddy issues. Seriously, Cas, you have no idea. But what I’m starting to get is that our Dad made mistakes.”
“He didn’t know everything,” Sam agrees. “Even if we all thought he did.”
“And we’re grown, now,” Dean shrugs. “It’s part of growing up, I guess; to look around and decide if your life is what you want it to be.”
“What if it’s not?” Cas asks. “What do you do if you look around and only find misery and confusion?”
They look at each other for a long moment before turning back to him.
“We’re still working on that part ourselves, Cas,” Sam says.
“Yeah,” Dean nods. “We don’t have that part hammered out yet, but we’re making some progress on it, I think.”
“So what would you recommend that I do?” Cas asks.
“Do what you think might make you happy,” Sam offers.
“Or at least less miserable,” Dean adds.
“If I do that, there might be consequences,” Cas says slowly. “I might not be able to protect you from them.”
“There are always consequences,” Sam chuckles.
“And it’s not your job to protect us, either,” Dean snorts. “We’ll handle it.”
He nods as he turns to watch the waves caress the beach a few feet from where they are sitting. It’s a long time later that Dean asks, “What are you going to do, Cas?”
He sighs. “I would like to stay with you, if I could,” Cas asks. “I think I would like to try living as a human again for awhile, and see how that makes me feel.”
There’s some kind of silent communication behind him between the two Winchesters that he doesn’t see. Cas tries not to look too anxious as he waits for their response.
“We’re kind of a handful,” Dean says after a while.
“I’m well aware of that,” Cas snorts.
Session 14
“Tell me about your progress.”
No one speaks. Tension builds in the circle of their four chairs as they avoid each others eyes.
“Boys,” Dora sighs dramatically. “These group sessions are never going to work if you don’t talk. I’ve had total strangers say more to each other in group than the three of you.”
“I find this exercise tiresome,” Cas comments.
“Was that a complaint?” Dora asks.
“Yes,” Cas answers with a slow nod.
“Good,” Dora smiles. “You’re making progress.”
Dean swears the angel might be preening, Cas looks so please with himself in reaction to her praise.
“Now look,” Dean blurts before he can stop himself. He doesn’t miss the way Sam turns wide eyes onto him as if to beg him to stop talking. “We’re making progress, too.”
“Are you upset that Cas got positive feedback?” Dora asks him.
“Maybe,” Dean mumbles. “This shit ain’t easy, you know.”
“I’m well aware,” she chuckles. “Sam, why don’t you fill me in on this progress your brother is talking about.”
He flounders. Dean suspects Sam would prefer to take a back seat to being called on the carpet. But Dora gets what Dora wants. It’s just how it is.
“We’ve been using the buzzer less,” Sam starts slowly. “And it’s not because we’re fighting more. I mean, we honestly don’t need it as much. I know I’m making a point to avoid bringing up things that I know upset Dean, and I think he’s making the effort to do the same for me. When something does come up, we try to talk it out a little bit instead of yelling at each other. I’m not sure how successful we are in that department yet, but at least we’re trying, and afterwards we don’t end up on a bender or not talking for three or four days.”
“Progress, indeed,” Dora agrees as she smiles. “Dean? How do you feel about what Sam just said?”
“Pretty good, actually,” Dean says with a nod, and he watches Sam relax further into the chair. “I mean, it’s rough sometimes, but I think, with both of us working on it, it’s getting easier to see why some things upset us and some don’t. When we end up having to bring up a hot point, we try to do it as carefully as we can. We still disagree on some things, but the whole point of this wasn’t for us to run off into the setting sun together. He’s my brother; one of my favorite things to do with him is bicker.”
She turns to Sam who nods with a nostalgic kind of smile curving around on his face. “So, what are you focusing all of your negativity on if you aren’t taking it out on each other?”
There’s a few beats of silence before Sam asks, “Pardon?”
“With the two of you carrying around so much history, built up resentments, and aggression, there is no way a few months it just up and disappeared. I want you to tell me what kind of outlet you two have found for it, so I can judge the impact of those choices. Getting better is a process; negative behaviors just don’t disappear overnight.”
“Me,” Cas says softly. “They’re focusing it all on me.”
“We are not,” Dean exclaims with wide eyes before he looks to Sam for support. The look on his little brother’s face is a mixture of surprise and slowly dawning horror. Oh hell, Sam thinks Cas is telling the truth. Dean slumps back into his chair, defeated, and says more softly, “Are we really?”
“You don’t respect me,” Cas murmurs. “The more time I spend with you, the more you snap at me and order me around. It’s always ‘Do this, Cas’ or ‘Get that, Cas’ or ‘Shut up, Cas.’ He sighs before continuing, “You’re both demanding and petulant. You talk about each other behind the other’s back all the time, and expect me not to say anything about it. You act as though I don’t have feelings, and even when you are well aware that you have hurt me, you carry on as though you don’t care that you did.” He raises his gaze to glare at them. “I don’t understand it. You call me your friend, and yet you treat me as though you want me to leave all the time. You defend me and protect me while hunting and then, when we get home, you shove me down in the dirt behind Bobby’s house while you’re washing the Impala and dump filthy water over my head.”
“That was a joke,” Dean interrupts.
“I AM NOT DONE,” Cas yells. “I thought being with you would be different. I thought I would feel better being a part of your family than being a part of my own. But I don’t. It’s the same situation with different people. You abuse me, disrespect me, ignore me, and order me around. I hate it. I want you to stop. I’m starting to think Heaven might have been the better option.”
“Don’t say that,” Sam blurts with an abrupt shake of his head. “If we’re that out of control, I wouldn’t blame you for leaving, but don’t go back to Heaven if you don’t want to be there. You can go somewhere else. There are a lot of people in the world who would be better for you to be around, Cas. Dean and I are a mess, and we’re still figuring out how big a mess we are. Don’t let that color your belief about humans as a whole. We are not a good example.”
“Yes, you are,” Cas mutters as he looks at his boots and tugs on an old t-shirt that Sam had found for him to wear.
It’s still kind of weird for Dean to see him in anything other than his suit and stupid trench coat, but he had said he wanted to practice being more human, and changing his clothes was part of the process.
“You and Dean are the best of humanity,” Cas whispers. “Your actions and your efforts speak more than your relationship with me. Perhaps I’m the problem.”
Dean’s dimly aware of Cas talking. He’s still following the line of thought that came up when Cas started picking at that stupid old shirt he’s wearing. “Remember when he flooded Bobby’s laundry room?” He blurts with a grin on his face.
Cas, Sam and Dora turn to him with confused looks.
“You remember,” Dean urges to Sam who shrugs. “Dora, you should have seen it. Bobby’s yelling about how he’s going to kill all three of us, and Sam’s frantically trying sweep the soap bubbles back into the laundry room and off the hardwood floors. I’m laughing too hard to help, and there’s Cas, standing in the middle of the mess with his pants in one hand and Bobby’s pink-ass underwear in the other, and he’s covered in soap suds. It was hysterical.”
“Dean,” Dora sighs. “What does this have to do with what Cas is talking about?”
“I second that,” Sam adds.
“Third,” Cas grumbles as he crosses his arms.
“He doesn’t get it,” Dean says as he points. “Neither does Sam. It’s a rite of passage, Cas. I get what you’re saying, and you’re totally right. I know I’ve been an ass to you recently, and I need to stop -- I will I swear, I’ll start right now -- just don’t leave. I can do better. But some of that stuff you are upset about, it’s not us being mean.”
“What is it, then?” Cas snaps.
“It’s us saying welcome to the family,” Dean explains as he reaches over the chair arms separating them to nudge the angel’s shoulder. “It’s us making you part of us.”
“The water hose,” Cas comments skeptically. “The hot sauce.”
Dean nods.
“The gay porn.” Sam adds with a grin. “Flushing the toilet while you’re in the shower.”
Dora swipes a hand over her mouth to hide her smile.
“Teaching me how to change the oil on the Impala and then having it dump out all over me?” Cas sounds exasperated even as he starts to smile. “This is the way you welcome people to your family?”
“Well, honestly,” Sam shrugs. “We’ve never welcomed anyone to the family before. So we’re kind of flying by the seat of our pants here, Cas. You’re right though, it hasn’t all been about that. Some of it’s been cruel, and I can’t speak for Dean, but it’s getting hard for me to get close to people because people who are close to us get hurt a lot and die a lot, and I haven’t really been wanting to let people in because I’ve sort of thought it wasn’t worth it.”
“Isn’t it up to me to choose if I think you’re worth risking my life for?” Cas asks.
“I thought you wanted someone to tell you what to do,” Dora comments.
Cas looks at her for a long time before answering, “I have discovered that the act of making choices for myself is more fulfilling.”
“Even if they don’t turn out like you planned?” Dora asks.
“Especially so,” Cas nods. “I had expected friendship and perhaps tolerance when I asked to stay with Sam and Dean.”
“And instead you got hazing and aggravation,” Dora says with snort.
“Instead I got brotherhood,” Cas corrects her with a small smile. “Family is a precious gift.”
“Agreed,” Dora nods.
“I’m not going to stop heckling you,” Dean says warningly. “It’s how I love.”
Sam rolls his eyes.
“I can accept your oddly framed affection,” Cas says with a nod. “I will inform you when I have had enough, and I expect you to respect my limits. There will be consequences if you do not.”
“Like what?” Dean asks with no little amount of concern.
“I’ll endeavor to surprise you,” Cas threatens. “The same goes for you, Sam.”
“You got it,” Sam says with nod. “I’ll be more open, or whatever.”
Dora sits there stunned for a moment until they all ask, “What?”
“Nothing really,” she says with a grin. “I’m just starting to think you boys might be okay eventually.”
Dean’s a little shocked by how good that makes him feel.
Session15
“How has your focus been since our last session?” Dora asks.
Meg crosses her arms defensively. “Can you be obsessed and avoidant at the same time?” she asks.
“Is that what you think you are?” Dora questions.
“Do you answer every question with a question?” Meg snaps.
“Is that really the issue here?” Dora smiles.
It earns her a grin and a snort from the demon as Meg settles back into the chair more fully and says, “I’m having a hard time. I have tasks; most of them are beneath me, at this point. A newborn could do them. But my mind wanders, my attention is shot; I’m making stupid mistakes.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I think part of it is that I’m bored. There’s no excitement anymore. We had such a big year two years ago, and then last year was all scurrying around and setting up alliances, trying to figure out who the next big dog was going to be. But now, it’s all blah. I mean, I helped kill the Prince of Hell, and no one even gives me a better seat at the lunch table.”
“So when your mind wanders off, where does it go?”
“Around,” Meg says with a swirl of her finger. “I think about lots of things. I think about my father, and that makes me think about the Winchesters and how they fucked my life six ways to Sunday without even giving a shit. So I think about what I would do to them if I could just get them alone for ten minutes, and how much fun that would be. But then that makes me think of their little nerdy pet angel.”
“And what do thoughts of him make you think about?”
“I think about what I would do to him if I could get him alone for ten minutes,” Meg smiles. “And how it would be a totally different kind of fun from the kind I had plans for the Winchesters.”
“He excites you,” Dora comments.
“So?” Meg snaps as she pulls her feet up into the chair and curls up in a protective ball. “What if he does?”
“It’s interesting,” Dora says. “I suspect that it’s rare for a demon to find itself attracted to an angel. How exactly did that happen?”
Meg smiles as she looks out the window. “He pushed me down across a ring of fire and walked out of it over my back. I’m not going to lie, it was hot.”
“The fire, or the feeling?” Dora asks teasingly.
“Both!” Meg chuckles. “I like winding him up every time I see him. He comes across a little dim, you know? Like he’s not really sure what he’s supposed to be doing. I bet he’s trainable. That would awesome. I could show him all kinds of nasty things.”
“So he stomped all over you, and that’s lead to your current fascination?” Dora asks. “I’m a little lost.”
“It wasn’t just that,” Meg shrugs. “When I helped them find Crowley, he kissed me. I mean, like, full-out shoved me against the wall, tongue in the mouth kissed me.”
“How did that make you feel?”
She’s quiet for a long time. “Human,” Meg finally answers. “He made me feel small and safe and wanted. For just a second I wasn’t a demon and he wasn’t an angel. He was just a guy and I was a girl, and he was kissing me. I’d never felt like that before.”
“And you want to feel that way again?”
“Wouldn’t you?” Meg asks. “Doesn’t everyone just want to be wanted?”
Dora doesn’t get a chance to answer. The door to her office blows in and she and Meg turn to face down three angels as they rush into the room.
“Oh fuck,” Meg mutters before trying to disappear and finding out she can’t. “Shit!”
Dora’s hand waves toward Meg, asking her to keep her seat.
“Can I help you?” Dora says calmly though she is clearly not amused.
“You have information on the whereabouts of one of my brothers, and you’re going to tell me everything you know,” one of the angels commands.
“You’re Raphael, aren’t you?” Dora asks. “I thought you would be taller.”
“I’m not here to play games with you, woman,” Raphael snarls. “Tell me where Castiel is, and I might let you live.”
“Look,” Dora sighs as she shakes her head and crosses her legs. Meg watches her wide-eyed from where she is crouched in the chair. “I’m in session. This is confidential, and I don’t release information about my clientele to anyone under any circumstances; especially not threatening ones. If you would like to make an appointment, you should see my office manager. She’s the one at the desk in the lobby.”
“She’s dead,” Raphael snorts.
“I doubt that seriously,” Dora chuckles. “It’s hard to kill an eternal. In any case, I’m going to ask you once more to leave peacefully, or I’ll be forced to involve security, and trust me, you are not going to like that at all.”
He lunges forward then. Meg jerks back at the same time that Dora leans forward with her hand held out to brush across Raphael’s forehead. The therapist’s eyes glow amber for a second, and when she lowers her hand the angels are gone. Just the destruction left behind by their presence remains.
“What did you do?” Meg gasps as she looks around. “What are you?”
“My dear,” Dora sighs as she brushes at her pants before looking around, clearly disgruntled by the mess. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to reschedule our session to a time more conducive to us both. You won’t be charged for this appointment.”
Meg’s back on Earth before she even knows what’s going on.
Part 7