A Short Story, About a Short Story, About a Short Story

[gembobelse]

I wrote a story for Writer's craft, trying as much as possible not to write a story, and I would really appreciate some feedback, seeing as the comments I'm probably going to get back will include lots of "huh?"s and "I DONT GET IT!"s

I know at least three of you on my friends list are teachers and I'M WATCHING YOU!

Comments

[jeff2001]

Very impressive. Can't believe you're 17. You've got some tired usages here, of course ("thinks to herself"...have you ever seen someone think to someone else?) but you'll molt those eventually.

[gembobelse]

I think to other people all the time! They just can't hear me. Stupid bastards.

but thank you :)

[scaracetera]

it's kind of... i don't know. writing about someone doing exactly what you're doing, in exactly the same situation you're in, but giving her a different name. i don't know how to explain what's wrong with this but it's something that sticks out in a very jarring way. it's commonly done but it always takes you right out of the whole "reading a fictional story" thing and into the "i'm doing a writerly trick, look at me (the writer)" thing.

i like the quotes, though, and the thoughts you're giving your character, and the way you describe things. it's just the framework in which you're doing all this is, well, not wrong in a high school writing class. but that is decidedly its native environment.

[gembobelse]

I appreciate your honesty. Thank you. I was just drawing blank on creating a complete character in a couple of hours.

Psst, I'm secretly really self-centered.

Or maybe not so secretely, as it turns out...

[gembobelse]

Oh I have a question. Would it have bothered you as much if you didn't know I was writing about myself the whole time? Did it just become jarring at the end when you found out or did you know from the start?

[scaracetera]

i can tell you precisely where it kicked in and that's when you said she was writing for a writer's craft class. up until that point it could have been anything, she could have maybe been 35 and writing a novel in 1978, whatever, but then it was like "oh. she's you!"

[quartzie]

I only do math and science. if you need someone to look over some albegra or F=ma calcuations, I'm your girl.

[gembobelse]

My story had math in it!

Plus, you don't have to have a degree in something to have an opinion on it.

[sissymoonchild]

"stream of consciousness"???? I know where you got that!!
It went very well, by the way. Thank you for the practice.

For once, I really understood what you wrote. I like the idea of writing about you trying to write about something. Very original. I think you've finally found a way to balance all those adjectives you seem to like so much with, you know, nouns and verbs and what not. I can definitely feel the Chelsea vibe radiating off of this story.

See? I commented. Aren't you proud of me?

[gembobelse]

Thanks for the comment, lady. Keep it up and maybe I'll believe you still loove me.

I'm going to call you tomorrow, and I want to hear all about your play. So be prepared.

[sissymoonchild]

Colour me prepared.

Night lady.

[balistar]

you are the endless ive sometimes almost barely fallen into until always in which i actually make it