i think i've found a new home. more to come when i wake up tomorrow and find it's still real.

that is all.

i didn't sleep at all last night. i paced, i smoked one marlboro after another, i drank the rest of my stash of coffee, and i packed my things, what few there are. i also wrote a letter to fitz, telling him that even though he no longer gives a flying fuck about me, i'm leaving chicago for good. said i had a new job and new life and i was ( Read more... )

is there any place colder than chicago in the winter? perhaps, but i highly doubt it. at least not for me ( Read more... )

every now and again i come back here and see if there's anything new. and then i go to my archives and look at how much i used to write in this goddamn thing. i never go back and read what i've written. it's just too painful. i only look at the numbers.

being lost and alone in unbearable.

that is all.

i think i really miss kyle. and fitz. and everything about my old life.

how i know, i don't know, but i know that i've had many different lives. snatches of the past... generations... hundreds of years... they come to me now and then in my dreams. my most recent life, the one i just left, remains a mystery to me ( Read more... )

Part of Gabe's last wishes were to post a few things in his lj. I'm gonna try to do it now. Get through it while I'm still numb and before the cryin' starts ( Read more... )

it's the fourth of july. my sweet fitz arranged to have the children join us. kyle, too, is here with his family, and staying in a cottage a few miles away. they'll join us tonight for fireworks and s'mores ( Read more... )

I had a dream last night. A dream I still remember. A nightmare so lucid and so frightening that I'm still shaking. I don't know what induced it. Could be recent events or my choice in television of late, or it could even be that I'm not really in a cottage in a picturesque little hamlet in Maine, but in Hell, reliving over and over...

( I'm so very, very cold... )

we're back in chicago, but only for a short time. fitz has been on the phone all morning, calling various doctors and nursing agencies to set up my care. i'm glad he didn't wait around very long to do that. i'm a lot worse off than i told him. my emotions are a rollercoaster. the usual... anger, denial, bargaining, despair, hope, and ( Read more... )