The Empty Room - II/2
~*~*~ I sing of things that are ~*~*~
When I wake up in the dream, everything is the same as always, and everything is completely different.
I remember me. I remember myself, my life and I remember that this is just a dream.
But above all that I.don't.remember.him.
I'm standing in the hallway, not sure where I am headed, but now I'm just standing, trying to take in everything I know.
I know I'm dreaming. It doesn't exactly feel like it, but I know it.
I know that the doctor told me to make conscious decisions when I dream, and I do. I decide to turn around and this is what I do. I decide to make the steps into the kitchen and my feet are moving, just like they should, just like in real life.
I freeze when I hear footsteps on the stairs, growing louder when they reach the kitchen, reach me.
"Did you see my ... ." He stops midsentence, staring at me. "Jesus, Jared, are you okay?"
He's with me in a heartbeat, his hands on my shoulders and that's where I realize I'm crying. I've done it so many times over the last weeks, on screen and off, and I don't even feel it anymore.
I don't remember him.
And as much as I try, as much as I grasp for every memory in my head, it only gives me the things I've seen. Here, in my dreams. No knowledge of who he is, of what he meant to me before, no knowledge at all, except for the few pieces of time the dreams have given me.
Nothing like what the dream-Jared had known, what the dream-Jared had felt. Nothing like the deep, trusting, reassuring understanding that had been between us before.
And I want to know him. I want him back.
“Jared!” He shakes me and I can see fear in his eyes.
“I don’t remember you,” I breathe out.
‘I’ve lost you’, is what’s screaming in my head.
His brows furrow and he still hasn’t let go of my arms. “What?”
“I don’t remember you,” I repeat and look into his eyes, watch his face, and I want to know him so bad, want back what we had before, want this happy place back, even if it was just a dream and I could only watch, could only feel. “You’re a dream. You’re just a goddamn dream and I don’t even know you. You’re not even real.”
His face changes. He takes a step back, losing the grip around my biceps, his eyes getting smaller, and I can’t read him anymore, can’t even tell what it means when his face goes blank and cold.
“You don’t have to do this,” he whispers and I don’t know if he’s angry or hurt. “You could have just … said something.”
He looks up to me, his jaw set and his eyes guarded and I don’t know what’s beneath there and it’s killing me.
I wipe the tears off my face, try to get a hold of myself, but every time I look at him, it just fucking hurts. I've lost him. He’s standing right in front of me and I've lost him.
“Jared, if you didn’t want this …,” he gestures between us and it takes me some time until I realize that he’s talking about ‘us’. “You could have just said something.” He slowly shakes his head.
“I really thought … ,” he starts, disappointment now evident in his voice, “I thought our friendship was more than that. That you could talk to me if you didn’t want this. Hell, Jared, don’t you know? One word and I would have backed off!”
“You don’t understand.”
“But now you’re making this stupid … show, talking crap,” he continues, like he didn’t hear me, and he gets louder and angrier with every word. “You don’t have to make this shit up when you freak out about this, you could have just goddamn talked to me!”
“You don’t …,” I start again, but he just cuts me off.
“Of course I do!! Of course, I understand!” he shouts and all I can do is watch him, unable to talk, unable to explain.
“You’re not the only one freaking out here, Jay! Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I planned to fall in love with you? Because I fucking didn’t and it’s scares the fucking shit out of me! You’re my best friend, Jared, and I wouldn’t want to risk this for anything in the world and now I have and it’s fucking terrifying!” He’s still shouting and waving his hands, but my mind had just stopped at the part where he said that he loved me and it can’t process anything more than that.
“You’re not real. You’re a dream,” I mumble helplessly, “I don’t even know your name. I don’t even know your name.”
His shouting stops and now he’s just staring at me and his face tells me nothing.
“Jensen. My name is Jensen,” he finally says and his voice sounds wrecked and cuts right through my heart.
Jared woke up crying. The pillow beneath him was damp with tears and when the sounds came back to him, he could hear himself sobbing quietly.
When he opened his eyes the sun was already high up, illuminating the blank floor, the naked walls.
Harley and Sadie were standing by the door, waiting patiently to get out, get their breakfast and their morning run.
“Jensen,” Jared whispered, trying that name out, testing the feeling how it roll off his tongue.
Burying his face in the pillow again, he missed how his babies pointed their ears and started wagging their tails with excitement at that name.
I'm in my trailer. When I check the clock on the wall, I can see that it is late afternoon and I might be on a small break thanks to set changes. I see the script for the next scene lying on my table and the TV on the wall is on, tone low, and I'm sitting on the too small couch, Sadie at my side, Harley on the floor.
I remember what happened. I remember the fight and how Jensen had looked so hurt and disappointed. How he had shouted at me. How he had shouted that he loved me. I remember that this is just a dream.
There's a knock on my door but before I even react, it opens and Jensen steps in, closing the door behind him. His face is serious. He's chewing on his lip, his hands fidgeting nervously.
"I ... ." He clears his throat, not really looking at me and I can see him swallow.
'He's so beautiful', is what I think when I look at him and it doesn't really scare me anymore that I think that way about him. He's beautiful. And he loves me. And he's not real.
I fight against the lump in my throat and look up to him, waiting for him to tell me whatever he came here for.
He takes a last deep breath and then his eyes fall on me. "I’m in love with you, Jared. And this is not ... this should never be something to be shouted at you so I'm telling you again. I’m in love with you."
He gives me small smile, uncertain and still loaded with disappointment and anger. "Do with that whatever you want."
With these words and without giving me a chance to respond, he's out of my trailer and gone.
Jared was staring at the ceiling, trying to get back into sleep, into the dream. But his nerves kept him awake, his body telling him that he had already slept enough and lying around he only got more frustrated, more desperate.
It was some time at night. It had to be because it was dark outside and quiet, no sounds coming from cars or people. He couldn’t check it. There was no clock in this room, his watch and cell phone still in his bedroom, lying on the desk.
Sadie and Harley were gone. Some time earlier, Jared had heard Clif walking around in the house, had heard him come in and talk to him.
Jared couldn’t remember what Clif had said or if Jared had answered him. But he was sure he had taken his babies and taken care of them.
The twinge of guilt didn’t even make its way to Jared’s consciousness through the deep sadness, covering him like a blanket.
But an idea did, the memory of a small package of sleeping pills lying innocently in his drawer upstairs in the bedroom.
Jared didn’t need to think twice, just got up and into his own room, to get that package and bring it downstairs.
He needed to sleep. He needed to dream.
I lie curled up in my bed, eyes staring at nothing but air and I don't move, can't remember when I did the last time.
I know I'm in the dream and that Jensen is only gonna be here while I dream. But I can't make the conscious decision to get up and see him, because as much as I need to, as I physically need to see him, I don't know if I'm able to lose him again when I wake up.
There's only so much I can take and I know I'm reaching my limit.
When I feel his presence behind me, I can't tell how long he has been standing there without me noticing. A part of me doesn’t want to turn around, but the other part wants to pull him against me and never let go. That indecision makes me stay right where I am.
"You haven't eaten any dinner, Jared," Jensen tells me, his tone just low and indifferent. "You haven't moved in hours."
"I don't remember you," I say like it would explain everything to him, and my throat hurts with every word.
I can feel that he didn't move away, can sense his presence now like a moth can sense the light.
“You’re really not making this up, are you?” he whispers.
“No.” I bite my lips and close my eyes when I hear a choked off cry.
"I don't remember how we met, or whether you have siblings or not. I don't remember if you've lived here for years or just been here a week." I could go on like that for days about all the things I don't know about him and that I just wish I knew. "I don't know anything about you except for what I feel for you."
"What do you feel for me?" he asks and it's the first time that I can hear the strain in his voice.
"I love you."
That's all I tell him. That's all I know.
For a long time, I don't hear anything. Then he moves behind me and he's gone, the feeling of loss growing deeper and stronger until it crushes my lungs.
I don't know how much time has passed, but finally I can hear him coming back, and from the sound of it, my babies are with him. They're slowly walking around the bed so that I can see them and it's breaking my heart how confused and uncertain they look.
The same way they are looking at the empty room in my real life; in the dreams, I am making them feel like that.
They whimper and Sadie nudges my hand until I move it and touch her cold, wet nose, and then they both settle down, right in front of the bed and if there was anything left inside me, I would scream.
I don't see Jensen but I can hear him behind me, walking through the room, opening a window, closing the curtains, and switching the light off.
Then I feel the bed dip behind me and he's crawling up, his arm reaching for me and curling around my body. Soon, he's pressed up against me, all the way, his head in the crook of my neck and he smells like warmth and soap.
It's the best and the worst thing he could have done.
"The first time I saw you before the final audition for Dean and Sam I thought, 'hey, what a nice guy'," Jensen starts, his breath tickling my ear, and then he laughs quietly. "Okay, that's a lie. The first thing I thought was, 'wow, that guy's tall', and then I thought about how nice you are."
He's so close that his cheeks touch my neck and the wetness I can feel there, his tears, hurt me so much I can barely breathe. I can imagine what it all must sound like to him, how crazy I sound, how sick.
"My mother loves you. Hell, my whole family already does. After you broke up with Sandy and you went to that con where I couldn't be there, it was actually my mom's idea to see you. She just called the whole family and she didn't even have to force them. They all just jumped into the car to see you."
I cringe when I remember what had really happened. Jim had been there at the con with me and tried his best to cheer me up. It had worked for a while. I would have given so much just to let Jensen's words be the truth.
"I don't really know when I realized that I was in love with you." His voice has changed. He almost sounds shy now and I simply curl deeper into his warmth. "But I remember the exact moment when I knew that I loved you, that you had become family. That there was never gonna be a day I wouldn't wanna have you in my life."
He places a small, soft kiss under my ear, and his arm that is circling me, tightens. "It was when I did that stage-play back in Texas a couple of years ago. You were busy doing your own stuff and you had said that you wanted to come and see it, but I didn't really believe that you would actually show up. And then one day," I can hear the smile in his words and it burns inside my chest, "when I was backstage during the break, you called me and told me that you'd wanted to surprise me. It was the moment I heard your voice through that stupid cell, that I knew I loved you. After the break I spotted you sitting in the audience. You were smiling at me and laughing and when the play was over, you were the first to stand up. You made everyone get off their seats and give standing ovations that night. That was one of the best nights of my life."
I can feel the tears running over my cheeks the same as I can feel his tears, trailing over my neck.
"Jen."
"Shh," he makes. "We're gonna find you some help, tomorrow. We're gonna be okay. Just sleep now, okay? I'm here. I'm right here, Jared."
And the last thought I have before I’m drifting away, losing him again, is 'No. You're not.'
~*~next~*~