Closed Doors - Chapter 4/10
Jensen’s new address was only fifteen minutes away, and when Jared pulled into the parking lot in front of the building next to Jensen’s car, he had to admit that the neighborhood looked nice and the building seemed to be new.
Jensen had told him where he lived, apartment six on the third floor, but he hadn’t given Jared a key. Before, they’d always exchanged keys to one another’s apartments. It was just another thing that had changed between them.
Jared had no problem finding his friend’s apartment and hesitated only slightly before he knocked. There was a small doorbell with ‘Ackles’ written on it, but he had tried it and couldn’t hear the bell ringing behind the door. So he kept on knocking.
”Jensen? Are you in there? Open up, come on!“
There was still nothing, no answer, but Jared had seen Jensen’s car outside and since he knew that his friend wasn’t out with Tom, Mike or Chris, he had to be in there. The uneasy feeling Jared had carried around with him the last few hours bordered on pure fear now.
“Please, if you’re in there, open the door. I’m worried sick, man.”
When he heard someone moving on the other side, Jared couldn’t hold back a sigh of relief.
But that feeling faded when the other man opened the door.
Jensen looked terrible. His skin was pale, his eyes looked tired and terrified at the same time, and his hands were trembling so much that Jared could barely resist the urge to hold them, to make them stop.
“Jen? God, are you alright?” he gasped, stepping in and closing the door behind him.
Jensen didn’t answer. He just turned around and made his way back to the sofa and sat down. Looking like he might have been sitting there the last couple of hours.
“Tell me what’s wrong. Please.”
Jared moved forward. The living room which also seemed to be the kitchen, was filled with boxes, some of them opened, although most of them not. There was only the sofa, on which Jensen was sitting, a chair and a big TV; no other furniture, not even a table.
Jared moved the chair in front of Jensen and sat down, somehow sure that the other man wouldn’t want him sitting next and close to him on the couch.
“What’s wrong, Jensen? What happened to you? Please, tell me,” he tried again.
“Can’t,” Jensen answered this time and his voice sounded like it was overused or never used at all. And his eyes wouldn’t even meet Jared’s.
Jared sighed deeply and buried his face in his hands. He couldn’t think of anything else to do but plead with his friend to talk to him. If he didn’t know what all that was about, then how would he be able to help?
“Jesus, Jen, please! There must be something I can do! Hell, anything! I’m here for you, alright?”
He wanted to shake him, force Jensen to look into his eyes, but his friend wouldn’t look up, wouldn’t move at all.
When Jensen finally said something, all Jared wanted to do was scream and leave and swear that he was never letting himself get involved in a friendship like that again. Never. Not when he was getting hurt over and over again.
“Could you,” Jensen started, and it sounded like it was exhausting him to speak at all. “Could you call Steve? Ask him to come up here? And then, could you please go.”
Jared watched Jensen, not able to answer at all. His friend had his eyes closed and only that, only the knowledge that he was hurting more than himself right now, made him answer: “Sure. I can do that.”
***
It was the same game as always when Jared came back to his house. His dogs came running to him, as if they hadn’t seen him in years, but then, after Jared was inside and his shoes were off and his jacket was hanging next to the door, they would still stand there, watching, waiting.
For Jensen to come home.
Jared didn’t even try to hold back the tears.He hated that things could get to him so easily, but he felt exhausted and lonely, and above everything so confused. It felt like he was sitting in the dark, not knowing if there was ever going to be a light.
Steve had almost reacted the same way as Chris. He had seen some missed calls from Chris, but hadn’t been able to call him back before Jared spoke to him. And when Jared had told him that Jensen wanted him to come and that, no, he didn’t have any idea what was going on, just that it was bad, he only had said ‘I’m taking the next flight’ and then had ended the call.
Jared was standing in the middle of the kitchen, fumbling with his phone, and then he had Chad on the other line, asking how he was doing, before he had even reached the conscious decision to call him.
“It’s about me, I think,” Jared stated, not giving an explanation what he was talking about. Knowing, that it wasn’t neccessary.
“What makes you think that?” Chad sighed, as if he expected he had a long, heart-to-heart conversation to face.
“Because I was at his place and he was worse than I’ve ever seen him and he wouldn’t even look at me and then he made me call Steve, tell him he should come here, but he could have talked to me all the time, I was sitting right in front of him, but he wanted Steve and then he asked me to leave. If it’s not about me than I don’t know what the hell all this is about.”
“I have a theory,” Chad said carefully.
“Which would be?”
“You’re maybe not gonna like it.”
“Chad, anything. I just want an explanation and if you have one, then please, tell me.”
“He’s in love with you.”
Jared went quiet on his side of the line. It took a while before Chad’s words sank into him.
“Dude, don’t joke about this,” Jared all but threatened his friend.
“I’m not joking!” Chad replied and his voice had gotten a little higher. “Look, it’s the only thing that makes perfect sense.Why he would freak out, why he would move out, why he doesn’t wanna talk to you. I mean, look where this guy comes from, religious family and all that and you’re a guy, for god’s sake.”
“He’s not homophobic!” Jared wasn’t even aware that he was yelling. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that he could feel it in his fingertips.
“I never said he was!” Chad defended himself, yelling just as much. “But don’t you think there’s a little difference between being okay with other people being gay and then finding himself wanting to get in your pants?”
Jared’s face flushed bright red and he knew that if Chad would have been here he would have punched him right now. But Chad just kept on talking.
“Jesus, you’re a guy and he’s a Texas Boy and you’re his best friend and maybe he has the right to freak out, okay?”
“We don’t even know if that’s what this is all about,” Jared said, suddenly going silent and weak.
“Yeah, but it’s a damn good explanation and the only one you have.”
And Chad was right. Even hours after they had ended the call, Jared found himself thinking about that. The possibility.
But the idea raised so many questions, so many feelings, all so different and new and scary and confusing, that he couldn’t even begin to face them. Not tonight. Not when his head and his heart where spinning in different directions.
***
“And this is what I choose when it’s all left up to me”
Jensen tumbled with eyes half closed and more asleep than awake out of his bedroom into the living room/ kitchen. He couldn’t remember how he had ended up in his bed last night, but then again, he didn’t remember why Steve was standing in his apartment, offering him a cup of coffee.
“Who let you in?” Jensen asked, his voice felt raspy and he took the cup out of his friend’s hand and inhaled the scent before he took the first sip.
“Welling.”
Jensen looked up, confused.
“Jared called him after he called me, said he didn’t want you to be alone and since you practically kicked him out, Welling took his place.”
Jensen closed his eyes and groaned, everything rushing back to him now. He hated that sleep made you forget everything, that it made you feel like everything was okay. Because it was so much worse when you had to face it again and again every new morning.
“So Tom knows that something ... is wrong ... with me?”
Steve laughed, honest-to-god laughed and then gave him a pityful look. “You’re not hiding it very well.”
Jensen shrugged. “I’ve managed a week,” he replied dryly.
Steve took a sip from his own coffee. “Mike’s on his way, too. I think he’s staying with Tom right now. He feels really terrible that he didn’t do anything last weekend. And he got it pretty bad from Chris.”
Jensen looked up, alarmed. “Chris?”
“He’s coming, too.”
“Oh, god,” Jensen moaned.
“You okay so far?” Steve asked carefully.
Jensen nodded. So far. He didn’t have to face everything. Not now. This was why he wanted Steve here with him. Because he couldn’t be alone in this one, but he wouldn’t have to face it, not with Steve here.
He still had two weeks.
“So, what’s up with you and Jared?” Steve must have known that he wouldn’t get any answers, not this time, but he asked anyway and Jensen just shrugged his shoulders.
Jared. It all came back to that, to him.
He only had two weeks.
“You’re not gonna tell me anything, are you?” Steve face showed nothing but concern and love for his friend and Jensen couldn’t be more thankful right then.
And just like that, like you can’t see the light one moment and the next the solution was right in front of you, he made a decision.
He still had two weeks.
“Steve, just ... . Just stay here, if you can, please? I promise it’s all going to be okay. I’m dealin’ with this, I just need some time, okay? I promise.”
Steve just nodded. Then he smirked. “I brought my guitar. You know, just in case someone might not wanna talk.”
Jensen laughed for the first time in a long time.
***
Jared had spent the better part of the night thinking and trying to figure out what his feelings were. He had fallen asleep with nothing but questions and this was exactly the way he woke up again.
His feelings were riding a rollercoaster and his mind was spinning, and not just because of everything Jensen had said and done lately, but also because of the idea Chad had planted in his head.
Jensen could be in love with him.
The idea was still too strange, too unfamiliar, that Jared couldn’t identify the reaction he might have to this. It just wasn’t ... .
It was Jensen. Jensen. His best friend. His co-star. A guy. Jensen. His Jensen.
But with every passing second it made more and more sense, more and more puzzle pieces seemed to fit together.
Jared had spent the whole day trying to occupy himself with everything that turned his mind off of the situation. He had worked out in his gym, had taken the long route running with his dogs and even was about to start thinking about rearranging furniture when his cell phone rang.
Because it hadn’t all day. Almost nervously he had been glancing at the phone every other minute, expecting Chris to call, or Tom. Maybe Mike again. He felt terribly useless that there was nothing he could do but wait. Jensen had kicked him out, his friends were with him now and Jared was sitting at home and hoped to hear from them soon.
He constantly had to remind himself that nothing serious had happened; that nobody had had an accident and had been rushed off to the nearest hospital; that Jared wasn’t waiting for a call that answered life or death. Even though that was what it felt like.
Jared resisted the urge to call Chad again, even if it was just to tell him that he had been right all along; that Jared was emotional, a drama queen, and maybe very, very stupid.
So, when the phone rang at half past five in the evening, Jared answered the call after the first ring and didn’t even look at the caller ID.
“Hey.”
It was Jensen. Jensen’s voice washed over him and Jared could hear everything that he was saying with this one word: ‘I’m sorry. We’re okay’.
Jared couldn’t remember ever feeling as relieved as in that moment.
“Hey,” he simply replied.
“Look, the guys ... somehow ... decided that they were having a barbeque. Since we’re all in Vancouver and haven’t been in a long time. Thing is, they kinda decided to do it at your place.”
Jared laughed. Wholeheartedly and it felt awesome.
“Okay, how long do I have?”
“They’re grocery-shopping right now. But it’s not gonna take more than half an hour until they’re invading your house. Just wanted to give you a warning.”
“Okay,” he said and knew that Jensen was hearing the question in it.
“Steve and I are gonna join you later, okay?”
“Yeah, it’s cool.”
“Okay, bye.”
“Bye.”
When Jared put his phone back in the pocket of his jeans, he made the decision. Whatever feelings Jensen might have for him, they would make it work. Jared would do anything to make it easy on him; he would back off when Jensen needed his space and be there when he needed him. Jared might not be able to love him exactly like Jensen (maybe) loved him, but he damn well loved him and he would do anything to keep his best friend.
***
It turned out that Jared had less than twenty minutes until he heard a car being parked outside. He had the door open and was grinning at his friends before anyone was able to ring the doorbell.
“Aww, did Jenny tell you?” Mike pouted immediately when he saw Jared. “Where’s the fun in that?”
“Guys, for all you know I could have been out.”
Chris rolled his eyes at him and dumped two bags full of food on Jared before he let himself in. “Yeah, right. Now you better tell me where you keep your grill.”
“Garage!” Jared shouted, because Chris had already vanished into the house, accompanied by both of his dogs, who seemed to be excited about so many new people. Of course they knew the guys, but they had a thing for Chris since the first time they met him.
“Guys, should we really grill outside?” Mike started in a whining tone. “Couldn’t someone cook? I mean it’s like ... cold.”
“Get your ass in here, Rosenbaum!” came Chris’ voice from somewhere in the house.
“Okay!” Mike shouted back, then turned to Jared and made a face. “I’d better go before I get the ‘Real men can grill any time’-speech.”
Jared was still standing in the door, watching Mike disappear inside the house as well, when he heard Tom laughing, oviously at the look on Jared’s face. The man was busy dragging beer kegs out of the car.
“What’s up with these guys?” Jared asked and walked over to help Tom. Taking one keg himself, he added, “Yesterday, Mike was yelling at me and pissed as hell and Chris was ... well, different. And today everything’s back to normal?”
Tom shrugged his shoulders and both men made their way into the house.
“Chris and Jensen had a huge fight this morning. Been shouting at each other like crazy,” he explained. “I guess, Mike’s just happy Chris is no longer pissed at him.”
Jared frowned. “But they’re alright? Jen and Chris, I mean.”
Tom nodded. “Sure. It’s just what they do. I swear, I never heard Jensen shout at anyone, but Chris somehow manages to make him do it maybe three times a year. But once they get it off their chests, everythings fine again.”
This time it was Jared who nodded. He had experienced it once, maybe a year ago. They had been shouting at each other over the phone, Jared had been in Jensen’s trailer that time and had left immediately. When he had come back, they were joking and laughing like nothing had happened.
“Chris is just pissed that Jensen’s not gonna talk to him,” Tom interrupted his thoughts. “And that he wanted Steve there and not him. Hurt his feelings, I guess.”
Jared nodded. He could definitely relate.
***
About an hour later, when Mike had put the first steaks on the grill and Jared had opened the doors to the backyard so they could walk in and out, Jared saw his dogs getting suddenly excited first, before he heard someone coming in. Two seconds later, there was the unmistakable sound of paws scratching on the floor when Harley and Sadie started running for the front door, battling over who would be there first.
“Hey, you guys missed me, huh?” he heard Jensen say, before Jared entered the hall and saw the other man on the floor, doing a mixture of snuggling and wrestling with the dogs. Steve stood behind him, a bemused grin on his face.
“Hey, buddy.” Steve made his way carefully around the three on the floor and took Jared in a heartfelt embrace. “Good to see you.”
“Yeah, you too,” Jared replied and patted his friend on the shoulder.
“The others are in the back,” Jared told him when Steve went for the kitchen. Jared turned to Jensen.
“Hey.” Jared felt awkward and stupid. Suddenly the idea that Jensen might have feelings for him that were more than just platonic, seemed crazy. The whole day, Jared had been pretty sure, but now, with Jensen standing right in front of him, he wasn’t anymore.
“Hey to you too,” replied Jensen with a small smile as he got up from the floor and turned to face him.
Jared found himself considering if he should hug Jensen like he wanted to, hell, needed to; to make sure that they were okay. He barely ever had thought twice about hugging people; it was like part of his language. And now he wasn’t sure.
But Jensen decided for him, when he stepped forward and hugged Jared, tight and real, not one of this lazy half-hugs Jared never liked and never gave.
“They missed ya,” he whispered into Jensen’s hair, talking about the dogs, but meaning himself.
“’Course they did,” Jensen replied, laughing a little.
***
They were having a good time. A great time, actually. They were eating steaks and drinking beer and it was driving Jared insane.
Jared had spent a week guessing what was wrong with Jensen, blaming himself that maybe he had done something that made Jensen leave. He had lost sleep over the thought that Jensen might feel something for him that Jared couldn’t return. And on top of that, he felt guilty that he wasn’t able to put all the thoughts aside and just be happy that everything was getting back to normal.
But he wanted answers. He wanted to know.
And he didn’t want to wait another goddamn second, he wanted them now.
When Mike and Tom were busy fighting with Jensen and Chris over the best pranks ever pulled, Jared cornered Steve in the kitchen. And again he started to speak before he made the conscious decision to do so.
“Steve?”
“Yeah?” Steve leaned lazily against the fridge, sipping on his beer and giving Jared a curious look.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Is Jensen in love with me?” It was surprisingly easy to speak the words out loud, although Jared had feared that Steve would either laugh at him or get angry.
But if that question had shocked Steve at all, he must have been a better actor than Jared could ever dream of being. Because without making any different facial expression, he replied: “If he had told me, it wouldn’t be my place to tell you.”
Jared blinked at him and then realized that Steve hadn’t really said anything at all with his answer. “Jesus, just ... please. I need to know,” he sighed.
“Why?”
Jared frownend at him. “What?”
“Why do you need to know? What do you feel for him?”
“I ... . I love him. But I’m not in love with him.” And that was true. Jared had never questioned his sexuality, not ever, and he wasn’t going to start now.
“Then what would it matter?” Steve’s tone stayed indifferent.
“It would matter! Of course it would!” And it did matter. Jared couldn’t tell why or how, but he couldn’t understand either why Steve was asking him this. Feelings always mattered. Especially when it came to Jensen.
Jared sighed again and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. “I ... I don’t wanna be responsible for this mess. I don’t wanna be the reason why he feels so bad.”
“It wouldn’t be your fault,” Steve replied quietly. “There would be nothing you could do about it. Just be his friend.”
The last part had sounded like it had more meaning to it and Jared looked up and shot Steve a questioning look. “You really are not gonna tell me anything, right?”
Steve smiled and shook his head. “He really didn’t tell me anything.”
“What? But I thought ... .”
“He wanted you to call me ‘cause he knows I’m not gonna push it.”
So Steve didn’t know any more than he did. It meant that he didn’t know the answer either and Jared hadn’t made any progress in this situation. And, in an afterthought, it meant that Jensen still wasn’t talking to anyone.
Jared was halfway out of the kitchen when he stopped once again. He turned around and faced Steve again. “Do you think that he’s in love with me?”
Steve groaned and rolled his eyes. “Jared, come on.”
“Steve, please,” Jared repeated, a serious expression on his face.
But the older man just sighed and said, “Just be his friend, alright?” and Jared knew that that particular conversation was over. But maybe Steve saying nothing was more answer than he had hoped for.
Jared couldn’t help getting even more confused when he realized that he would have been disappointed if the answer had been no.
“Never planned on doing anything else,” Jared told the other man, meaning every word.
***
Jared made his way out in the backyard where Mike was still handling the steaks when Jensen came to him, a phone pressed to his ear and an unreadable look on his face.
“Yeah, okay. Great, see you soon,” he said into the phone and then handed it to Jared. “It’s your momma.”
And this time Jared was sure that something was different about his voice.
Still suspiciously eyeing Jensen he took the call. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hallo, honey. How are you?” The voice of his mother was familiar and sweet and Jared, as always, felt immediately better.
“Fine. I’m fine. How’s the family?”
“Oh, we’re great. Look, I just called because of Thanksgiving, you know, talking the logistics, but doesn’t seem like the right time now, huh, does it?” She laughed into the phone.
It wasn’t the first time that she had called when Jensen and him had been right in the middle of something; shouting at each other playing ‘Halo’, or being halfway out the door going out for dinner.
“What logistics?” Jared asked incredulously.
“Well, are you going to come home first or you flying down with Jensen and we’re gonna meet there?”
“What, I ...? What are you talking about?”
“Honey, we’re gonna spend Thanksgiving at Jensen’s home, didn’t he tell you? Donna called yesterday and it’s all set.” His mother sounded really excited over this.
“No, he ... . He just came in, forgot to mention it, I guess.” Jared glanced over to Jensen who had joined Steve but was also shooting glances at Jared. He seemed concerned.
“Yeah, well. That’s why I need to know if we’re driving with you from home or if we’ll meet there. Think about it, okay? And call me as soon as you know. Okay, hun?”
“Sure, Mom.” Jared was still trying to figure out why Jensen wouldn’t have told him this, when his brain started to kick in and he slowly became aware of what spending Thanksgiving at Jensen’s home - with his family - would mean.
“Okay, say hi to the boys and we’ll talk later, right?”
“Yeah, bye.”
“Bye, Jared.”
Jared went into the living room and put the phone back on the desk where it had been before, all the time looking over to Jensen, who watched him carefully.
The expression in his friend’s eyes was worried and somehow ... calculating.
Jared frowned at him and Jensen answered with a subtle shake of his head and a glance to the floor.
Mike groaned next to them. “Guys, could you please stop that? This silent communication is driving me nuts! Try to act like normal people, okay? Like talking by using actual words!”
Jared and Jensen grinned at each other and for that short second in time everything was right between them again. But then Jensen shrugged and went over to Jared, leaning against the couch next to him.
Jared understood the silent invitation to talk.
“So. We’re gonna spend Thanksgiving together?” he stated, loud enough for Jensen to hear but not for their friends to follow the conversation.
“Yep.” Jensen wasn’t looking at him. His eyes never resting, his look gliding over the floor and furniture in front of him.
“I’m gonna see your mom.”
Jensen snorted and replied sarcastically: “Yeah. Happens on Thanksgiving, you know? The whole family thing.”
Jared didn’t let himself get iritated by it and continued in the same quiet, serious tone. “Jen. I’m gonna know the ... your secret then, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want me ... not to come?” he offered and watched his friend closing his eyes briefly, before he answered.
“And how do you want to explain that?” Finally, Jensen turned his eyes to Jared, then he shook his head. “It’s not an option.”
“Then maybe, ... maybe you should tell me now?”
Jensen closed his eyes again, but this time, he kept them closed. “Jared, please. Give me these two weeks, okay?”
It took awhile until Jared heard himself whisper: “Okay.”
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