Closed Doors - Chapter 5/10
Jared caught himself staring at Jensen. Again.
His friend was just a couple of feet away, at the bar, waiting for the two bottles of beer he had ordered.
And Jared stared at him. Watched him move. But even more, watched him watch other people. Because he kept asking himself if Jensen looked at guys differently, or better, if he looked at them the same way he looked at girls.
Because if Jensen was in love with him, he had to be bisexual. Gay was out of the question since he had dated girls before and Jared knew that Jensen had really loved some of them. So if he was bisexual, he had to be attracted to guys. So, didn’t he have to, like, shoot glances at some good looking guys?
Didn’t he have to look at Jared in a different way?
But when Jensen looked up at that particular moment and met Jared’s eyes, all Jared could see was that small, warm smile Jensen gave him. A private smile. One that was as much shy as it was affectionate.
And maybe that was just it. That smile. Jared had never thought of it as something other than friendly and just ... Jensen. But when he really thought about it, he’d never seen Jensen give that smile to anyone else but him. Ever.
Jared shifted on his chair, his heart beating loud and strong in his chest. Because suddenly he got it. Got, what it would mean if Jensen was in love with him. He knew the feeling all too well; the excitement, the happiness, the warm, good sensation that was flowing inside you; the fear, the insecurity.
Jared watched Jensen as he made his way back to their table; with slower, more careful steps than usual, since he was a little buzzed; and he imagined that Jensen would feel all this. All this because of him.
"Hey, you okay there?"
Jensen’s voice was half concern half amusement as Jared buried his head in his hands and groaned.
Jared’s head was spinning. And not just from the alcohol. It was spinning because he still.didn’t.know.
If Chad hadn’t mentioned it, Jared would probably never have thought about it. But now, it got stuck in his head and it was making so much sense, explaining so many things, and Jared could just feel, that it was right. But he didn’t know.
How did you know if your best friend was in love with you? Know for sure, because you could guess and imagine all you wanted, but this was serious, this was Jensen. And Jared couldn’t just ask. If he was wrong, Jensen would laugh at him or get angry or think he was stupid. If he was right, well, Jensen was avoiding the subject like the plague and it certainly wouldn’t help him to be confronted with it.
"Dude!"
Jensen shook Jared, his hand gripping his shoulder, and all previous thoughts left Jared’s mind as he realized that this was the first time in weeks that Jensen had touched him on purpose.
Jensen must have had the same thought, because he drew back his hand immediately and tried to cover the shocked expression on his face.
"Jen." His friend’s name fell soft and pleading from Jared’s lips as he reached out, grabbed Jensen’s hand, and pulled his friend to him. "Please."
Jensen didn’t look at him. His other hand frozen in midair, wanting to take one of the beers he had placed on the table beside them, but stopped by Jared’s actions. His eyes focused on the ground, his lips pressed tightly together and his teeth clenched.
Jensen maybe was an expert at hiding his feelings and acting like he was okay while sober, but Jared got the feeling like he was finally getting through to him. He pulled him one more step closer, never letting go of his hand.
"Jen, look at me," he demanded, whispering. The bar was dark, loud and full of people but Jared could only concentrate on Jensen right now. His friend was in pain, fear even and the next day...
Well, the next day was Thanksgiving.
The last few days had been filled with lots of long hours and not enough sleep, but what really had been draining Jared was the emotional up and down he was going through whenever he was with Jensen. Which was almost every minute of every day.
Chris had left on Tuesday the week before, still a little angry that Jensen didn’t want to talk to him but he maybe had figured that he wasn’t going to get through to him once Jensen had made his choice. Steve had left on the following Monday, more because Jensen had asked him to than of his own free will. And Mike and Tom had called every other day but they also had to give up to the fact that if Jensen didn’t want help, they weren’t able to give him any. So, most of the time it had changed once again to just being Jensen and Jared.
Besides that, Jensen was always going back to his new apartment at the end of every day. They spent as much time together as they had done before. Jensen would come up with a new restaurant he wanted to try, or a new game to play on the Xbox and they would spend their evenings together until both of them were tired and exhausted. Jared had asked Jensen to just stay on the couch more than once, but he always went to his apartment, no matter how heavy-lidded and red his eyes already were.
And then there was the touching. Or better the lack of touching. Jensen had never been really physical; constantly patting their shoulder or touching their arm while he was talking to someone. But not touching at all, and flinching every time Jared came too close, was entirely new, even for him.
At first Jared thought he understood. Jensen got a little shy around him. Maybe being close to him was confusing and ... stirring. Hell, Jared couldn’t even imagine how he would react if he found himself suddenly in love with his best friend. But it got worse every day. And Jared was a lot more understanding than people might think but even he had his limits.
And Jensen was withdrawing from Jared the last few weeks more and more until he seemed to slip right through Jared’s fingers.
And all Jared could do was hold on to him and beg.
"Jen, please, look at me." Jared wasn’t even sure if Jensen had heard him. His friend’s eyes had shifted from the ground to the hand Jared was holding and the thumb that was caressing Jensen’s palm, slowly and tenderly.
It was right then when Jared felt something shift in the atmosphere. He became aware of the man in front of him. Not the friend or the co-star he knew. But the man.
The man who loved him.
Jared felt his heartbeat speeding up, riding the emotional rollercoster once again but he didn’t let go of Jensen’s hand, didn’t stop the gentle touch. He felt like he needed to keep that connection or Jensen would disapear right in front of him.
"Please, come home."
Jared knew that he was playing dirty. That he was playing Jensen. But more than anything he wanted for Jensen to just come back.
Jensen looked up. His eyes met Jared’s at his words.
"I can’t," he croaked.
"What are you so afraid of?"
Jensen’s face showed so many different emotions that Jared couldn’t even pick one to analyze.
"Jared, please."
Jared struggled. Jensen pleading like this touched him to the core of his being.
"Jen ... ."
"No." Jensen broke the eye contact, pulled his hand away, and turned around.
A chill ran through Jared’s body, but he couldn’t focus on the lost feeling inside him because Jensen was all but fleeing the bar.
Jared ran after him, the beer bottles still untouched on their table, and he caught his friend right outside, already opening the door to a cab.
"Wait!" Jared demanded but Jensen didn’t wait and Jared didn’t stop running. He jumped into the cab right after Jensen, and his friend had no other choice than to move over and give Jared space in the backseat of the car.
Jensen gave the driver both their addresses, and a second later, they were heading to Jared’s place first.
"What do you think is gonna happen tomorrow?" Jared asked his friend but Jensen stayed silent.
"What is this damn secret, Jen? And why can’t you come home, can’t even touch me?" He tried to keep his voice down, tried not to make a scene in front of the cab driver, but it was tough not to when Jensen still refused to answer or look at him.
"Do you think I’m not gonna be your friend anymore after I know it? Is that what this is about? Do you really think that little of me? Are you that stupid?"
Jared watched Jensen close his eyes in a pained expression and it was a sting to his heart. Guess I just nailed it.
"Please," Jensen whispered. And it was all too much.
"What happened? What did you do?"
Jensen looked up with guilty eyes.
"What? Did you burn down an orphonage when you were young? Because everything I can think of why you would act that way is something that you would never do in the first place."
"Jared, please, stop this. You don’t know what you’re talking about."
"I don’t?"
Jared looked at Jensen, trying to tell him silently that it was okay. That he already knew. That if Jensen loved him, he could tell him and Jared would be okay with it, they still could be best friends.
"No, you don’t. And you can’t even guess," Jensen answered and Jared was back to square one. Back to that he.just.didn’t.know.
The cab had stopped, and when Jared looked through the window, he saw their ... his house.
Jared sighed deeply. "Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. You’ll be here at nine?"
Jensen nodded and Jared looked at his friend one last time before he left the car and made his way to his house.
***
"And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge"
Jensen looked up to the windows of his apartment. The engine of the cab was still running, the driver watching him expectingly.
But Jensen didn’t move. And suddenly, a feeling so strong that his body started trembling, something like coldness and loneliness, was washing through him and he knew that nothing in the world would make him go up there.
The empty seat next to him seemed to scream, seemed to radiate heat that had been there not twenty minutes ago and it made Jensen feel only colder where he was sitting.
He wanted Jared. He wanted to be with Jared, couldn’t even stand the thought not to.
One last time.
Just spend the last hours with everything being okay between them.
Jensen closed his eyes as he caught himself lying to himself again.
They haven’t been okay for the last few weeks and it was Jensen’s fault. All of it. He was torturing himself and Jared but he didn’t know how to stop it. The need to be with him and the pain he felt when he was, was tearing him apart but he all he seemed able to do was to watch himself making the wrong choices over and over again.
"Sir? Uhm, don’t you wanna get out? The meter is still running, you know."
Like he could only watch himself making the wrong choice now.
"Can you please take me back?"
"To the bar?"
"No. To the address where we let my friend out."
***
Jared woke up at some point during the night. He shifted in the bed and was pulled out of his dreams when he felt another warm body next to him. He opened his eyes, expecting to see Sadie or Harley. They tended to jump into his bed during the night and he was so used to it that he didn’t even feel the added weight anymore when they did.
But when his eyes adjusted to the dim light and his mind was able to process what he saw, he saw ... Jensen.
His friend lay curled up on the very end of the bed, fully clothed and without a blanket. He was sleeping, his breathing deep and even.
"Oh my god," Jared whispered. He couldn’t even imagine what must have been on Jensen’s mind when he had decided to turn around, get all the way back to his house, sneak in and finally crawl into Jared’s bed.
Jared took his own bedcover, moved close to Jensen and draped it around Jensen’s body so both of them were under it.
Jensen startled awake, his eyes flittering before he finally focused on Jared, not a few inches away.
"Don’t ... . It’s okay," Jared reassured him when Jensen tried to struggle away from him. "It’s really okay, Jen."
Jensen’s eyes were huge; Jared couldn’t see the color in the dark, but he could see the scared expression on his friend’s face.
Jared moved one hand from under the cover, brought it up to Jensen’s face, until he cupped his cheek, gently caressing it with his thumb, just like he had his palm a few hours ago.
"It’s okay," he repeated, not even sure what he meant. It’s okay that you’re here? It’s okay that you love me? It’s okay that you’re scared?
Jared closed his eyes and snuggled even closer until their foreheads were pressed together and he could feel Jensen’s breath ghosting over his mouth.
He wanted to do more. Wanted to get closer somehow. Hold Jensen so tight and safe until that pained and scared look in his eyes vanished from his face and Jared’s memory.
He felt something soft press against his lips. A heartbeat later, he realized that it was Jensen’s lips, that it was Jensen kissing him.
Slowly, soft, barely moving. Just a press of lips against lips and when Jared sucked in a sharp breath through his nose, when his mind was struggling with the fact that Jensen.was.kissing.him, Jensen had broken the kiss.
But Jensen didn’t move away. Instead, he moved closer, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his face against Jared’s, ear to cheek, and so close, Jared could feel him trembling, his heart pounding against his chest.
Slowly, Jared shifted his arms from under Jensen and returned the desperate hug; one arm around his friend’s waist, the other around his neck.
He wasn’t freaking out. Jared waited for it; waited for the inevitable ohmygodJensenjustkissedme. The thoughts were there, swirling in his head. Jensen kissed me. A guy just kissed me.
But that were just thoughts. His feelings were concentrated on the shaking man who was clinging to him, fighting to keep himself together. But losing.
"You scare me so much," Jared whispered, his voice hoarse and broken.
***
The next morning, Jared woke up with a hand above his heart. He forced his eyes open, blinking against the light falling through the windows.
He discovered Jensen lying next to him, the bedcovers around his waist, his face turned to Jared and his hand resting on Jared chest, right above his heart. His face looked peaceful and Jared caught himself feeling peaceful too watching Jensen like this, having him sleeping so close.
His friend started stirring as if he was sensing Jared staring at him, and when his eyes blinked open, Jared could watch him going from disorientation to realization to pure shock. Jensen stilled. And a second later, he tried to pull his hand away, but despite the early hour, Jared’s reflexes were fully intact and he covered Jensen’s hand with his own, pressing both their hands to his chest.
"It’s okay," he whispered, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. He wanted to give Jensen time, all the time he needed, to realize that he meant what he said. That it was okay.
"Jared, let me go." The demand was firm, almost angry and Jared turned his head to find Jensen looking at him. Even though his jaw was clenched stubbornly tight, his eyes spoke of fear and pain.
Jared sighed. He just wished Jensen wouldn’t make it so hard on himself. "Is that it? Is that your secret?"
The kiss. It had been the first thing that had come to his mind this morning, even before he had been fully awake. Jensen loved him. Jensen had kissed him. Jared wasn’t disgusted by it, or uncomfortable and he couldn’t help but be a little bit insulted that Jensen was obviously thinking that he was. Jared didn’t feel the need to turn even one small step away from his friend.
Jensen blinked and turned his eyes down. "Please, stop."
Once again Jared could barely withstand the urge to strangle the man or just knock some sense into him. "It’s okay, Jen. You’re scared and I get that. But I’m not freaking out here, okay? I’m fine with it. I’m still your friend. Your best friend, if you let me."
Jensen looked up and stared at him for a long time.
Then he simply pulled his hand free of Jared’s tight grip and climbed out of the bed. "Jeez, it’s late. My mom is gonna kill us if we miss the flight," he mumbled and headed for the bathroom.
***
Jared loved going home to Texas, loved seeing his family, and since he’d known Jensen, he had been at his family’s home twice in the last few years and he knew that he loved spending time there, too.
But during the flight and the drive to the house, for the first time, Jared wished they could just turn around and leave Texas and never come back again. Wished they didn’t have to go home.
Not if Jensen was that miserable, like he was walking down the green mile, knowing he would be executed any minute now.
"Jeez, Jen, come on," Jared said to him when they left the cab in front of the Ackles house. Their bags beside them on the ground, Jensen seemed to hesitate to walk up to the door. There were four cars in the driveway, Jared recognized his parents’ and Jeff’s car, the other ones clearly belonged to the Ackles family. "It can’t be that bad, okay? It can’t."
How could Jensen still be so freaked out? Even though they hadn’t said too many words about it, in Jared’s mind they had have the conversation this morning, saying that he knew Jensen was in love with him but that it didn’t necessarily had to change anything between them. What else could he be so afraid of?
Jared didn’t have the opportunity to get Jensen’s answer as the front door burst open and Mackenzie and Megan were running towards them and falling in their brothers’ arms.
"God, it’s so good to see you!" Megan stated as she had untangled herself from her own brother and was now hugging Jensen like a best friend she hadn’t seen in years.
"Where are your dogs?" Mackenzie asked and seemed to mirror the hug on Jared.
"Uhm, left them in Vancouver."
Jared was slightly irritated from the change around him. Two teenaged girls were suddenly cheering and laughing, but over the last few weeks, Jared had only gotten used to a brooding and angsting Jensen who seemed like he was going to break apart at any moment and Jared had problems to process the alteration.
"Come on, guys," Mackenzie urged them on to get in the house. "We’re all just waiting for you and I’m starving."
Jared noticed the slight change in his friend, how he straightened himself up and took a deep breath before he followed the girls into the house.
"Oh, honey, it’s so good to see you." Suddenly Jared found himself in the arms of his mother and then Donna was hugging him tight and happy and he felt a little bit like he was being handed over between all the family members.
Jeff and his wife looked awesome, Jeff being all proud father and holding his little baby girl like it was the most precious thing in the world. Josh greeted Jared like the second big brother Jared never wanted but was now thankful to have. Jared had looked forward to meeting Josh’s wife and the little boys, but Josh told him that they were celebrating with her family and he had decided to be here, since it seemed to be very important to his mother. The girls were chatting and giggling and the whole atmosphere in the house was energetic and happy and cheerful.
After a couple of minutes of hugging and greeting, Jared could feel the knot in his stomach loosen up and he almost forgot that there was something deeply wrong with his friend.
Until the families were are all sitting around the table and Alan said grace.
The food on the table was a fine spread. Corn bread, fried chicken, creamed potatoes, a huge bowl of mixed salad and for dessert, Donna had made a pumpkin pie that was standing in the kitchen, still warm and hot. It all looked and smelt amazing, Mackenzie was already ripping off tiny pieces of corn bread and popping them into her mouth before her mother caught her red-handed and shot her a deadly glare just as Alan started speaking.
Except for Alan’s deep and gentle voice, the room was silent. Donna had placed them around the table so that everyone had their equivalent sitting next to them. Josh and Jeff were sitting across from Jared with Jeff’s wife between them, then Donna and his own mom. Mackenzie and Megan were sitting on Jared’s side of the table, just as Alan and his dad were sitting face to face on either end of it.
So this way, Jensen was sitting next to him.
And that was, maybe, the only reason why Jared knew that Jensen was about to freak out any minute now. On the outside he was showing a neutral face, even managed to smile when his mom looked at him. But underneath the table, his knees were practically shaking and Jared would swear he could feel the other man vibrating with nervousness.
Jared was surprised Mackenzie, who sat on his other side, didn’t say anything.
What the hell was going on? This couldn’t just be about Jensen’s feelings for Jared. But what else could it be?
Apparently, Jared didn’t have to wait any longer for an explanation.
Donna looked nervously at the family members after Alan had said grace. Everyone was about to start reaching for bowls and glasses when she cleared her throat and all eyes went to her.
"Uhm, there’s something, uhm. I’d like to announce something."
"Mom? Didn’t you wanna wait until after dinner?" Jensen’s voice was gentle and low, Jared almost didn’t hear it himself.
"Honey, I’ll burst if I wait any longer." She laughed and threw her son an apologetic look. "I know you wanted me to wait until I was sure, but we’re as sure as we can get without an actual test, so... ."
"Mom, are you pregnant?" Mackenzie shrieked and nobody at the table laughed at that except for Donna.
"No, honey. But if I were, don’t you think I would have told your father first?"
And then Jared noticed that everyone had a puzzled and confused look on their face, even Alan was shooting questioning glances at his wife. Everyone but Jensen, who smiled at his mother reassuringly. A smile that Jared could feel was all fake, even when his eyes didn’t give anything away.
"Mom, what’s going on?" Josh’s clear voice demanded an explanation as much as Alan’s would have done if his son hadn’t been faster. "And why does Jensen know something we don’t?"
"Uhm, I haven’t told any of you because Jensen asked me not to," Donna started to explain but Jensen interrupted politely.
"I didn’t want for them to get their hopes up when you weren’t sure." He defended himself in the same gentle-soft tone, and now Jared could see Megan shooting confused glances to his friend.
"And you were right, honey. But there’s a reason I invited you all to spend Thanksgiving together and now I want to announce something to all of you." She looked from one face to the other and then she turned her head to Jared’s dad, giving him a shy smile.
"A couple of months ago, I hired someone to find out more about my father. He had an affair in the early years of my parent’s marriage and, uhm, apparently, they had a child together."
Jared listened. He could hear the words very clearly. But his mind did not tell him what sense they made and how this could be connected to how Jensen felt beside him.
"And then, some weeks ago, the man found something. He’s not ... , he’s not entirely sure though, not without any tests, but every piece of evidence he found, everything lead him to ... . Well, this child might be you, Gerry."
The whole room was silent for five full seconds. Then everyone seemed to start talking at once.
Jared couldn’t follow. He saw his dad shocked, his mom smiling; he saw Josh and Jeff exchange astonished looks and Alan was laughing and shaking his head in disbelief. Jared still didn’t know what it all meant.
"What does that mean?" he asked, his mouth only able to let the words out unfiltered.
"It mean’s that we all have one same grandfather," Mackenzie answered.
And then Megan joined in, her tone off somehow. "It means that Jensen and you are cousins."
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