Closed Doors - Chapter 7/10
Jared made his way back to Chad’s car, his bag in one hand, the other hand clenched into a fist, his face angry. Not saying one word, he opened the backseat door and threw the bag carelessly in it, slammed the door shut, and let himself fall down next to Chad in the front passenger seat with an angry snort. Then he started to yell.
"It’s your damn fault, that I missed my flight!"
"It’s totally not!" Chad defended himself immediately. He had been yelled at over the phone when Jared had called him back five minutes after he had left the airport and seen the giant stomp over the parking lot.
"You had to stop to buy the cheeseburgers!"
"Like you weren’t hungry! You were bitching all night and I was just trying to get you shut up!"
"I told you I could eat on the plane!"
"You did not! You wanted to eat, I stopped to get us something to eat, now stop yelling at me like it’s all my fault! Nobody can stand to be around you when you’re hungry! I’m so not to blame!" Chad had never been more convinced that he was right about something, especially when Jared’s empty stomach was involved. And a whole crew back in Vancouver could totally second that. Hell, a couple of crews in L.A. too.
"Thank you, really. You’re an awesome friend," Jared snapped back.
"In fact I am, bitch."
Chad didn’t know exactly what to do next. After Jared had called him and announced that he wanted Chad back at the airport in a second and that his next flight was leaving in three hours, he hadn’t thought far beyond turning the car around and, well, preparing to getting yelled at.
He glanced over at his friend who was now hammering at the buttons on his cell phone.
"What now? Cancelling a date?" Chad asked and grimaced at Jared.
"Shut up. I’m texting Jensen I’m not gonna be home in time. Thanks to you, I’ll probably be there at midnight or something."
Chad frowned at Jared’s words. "Home? Jensen’s at your place?"
"Sure. He’s at home watching the dogs and stuff." Jared gave him an irritated look, then turned his concentration back to his phone.
Chad sighed inwardly. That didn’t sound good to him. "At home? Is this the same home he doesn’t call home anymore, ‘cause he moved out?"
"Yeah, it is! What’s wrong with that?" Jared snapped at him and put the cell phone back in his pocket.
Chad hesitated. He never was afraid to say what had to be said, but when it came to Jensen he liked to think about his words before he actually said them aloud. "Nothing, just ... . Jeez, don’t let him do this to you again."
"Do what?" The look on Jared’s face didn’t really tell him if the man was deeply annoyed or just confused.
"Hurt you? I don’t know!" Chad gestured with his hands. "Whatever he did the last time that made you end up on the phone, whining about how he doesn’t love you anymore."
Jared snorted. "You know what, Chad? Just shut the hell up. You have no idea what you’re talking about."
"You’re damn right!" Most of the time Chad didn’t get things when it came to Jensen and Jared’s friendship. He had been friends with Jared for a damn long while now and that meant that he was close to him in a way which would have made him really uncomfortable with any other guy. But Jensen and Jared were a whole other story.
"Just don’t come to me the next time Ackles dumps you and had enough of your stupid face. If you let him, he will just go on hurting you, man," he added.
"You have no idea what you’re talking about," Jared replied and suddenly his tone was low and calm and ... dangerous. "He’s not ... . I’m the one responsible for all of this. I’m the reason for everything, so don’t you blame him, you hear me?"
The new tone in Jared’s voice didn’t stop him. "How the hell are you the reason for the shit he’s been doing?"
"Shut up!"
"No, really, I’m curious! What the hell did you do that made him pack his stuff and leave, huh?"
"Jeez, Chad, shut up, I swear ... ."
"So what? So Ackles is in love with you or what?"
"Yes!"
Silence fell over them, so thick Chad wanted to cut it with a blade. Jared stared at him, then turned his head and looked away.
"Holy shit." Chad hadn’t really believed it. It had been a theory and a real funny one, but hell, life wasn’t fanfiction and this stuff just didn’t happen in real life. And now, it didn’t seem so funny anymore.
"Just ... drop it, okay?" Jared demanded, his voice hard.
"He told you?"
Jared turned back to him and answered angrily, "Yeah. I asked him. He told me. That’s it."
"Sure, I can see that," Chad deadpanned.
"What the hell do you want, Murray?" Jared’s voice grew louder again.
Chad knew he shouldn’t ask what he was about to ask, but the words came out of his mouth anyway. "What about you?"
"Huh?"
Chad groaned frustrated. "Don’t play stupid with me now, buddy. Are you in love with him, too?"
Jared turned on the seat, turning to face Chad even more. "What? What the hell makes you ask that?"
"I don’t know?" Chad threw his arms in the air. "It’s a normal question! Damn, Padalecki, are you in love with him or not?"
"No!"
"Okay!" Chad yelled back and then, a little quieter, "Man, would it be so bad? Are you homophobic now or what?"
"Shut up, Murray!" Jared glared.
"No, seriously, why would it be so bad? He loves you, half the world thinks you’re already doing it, so what? What would be so bad about it?"
"Because we’re cousins!" Jared exploded. "Because we’re fucking related! His grandfather is also my grandfather! Do you get it now? If I loved him back ... . If I fuckin' loved him like that I wouldn’t be able to control my... ."
Jared seemed to stop himself before he said something he didn’t obviously want to say.
"It would be bad," Jared continued, now very quiet. "Really bad. His family, his beliefs, I ... it’s hard enough for him as it is."
Chad stared at his friend. He hadn’t expected this mess. He had expected some sort of Jensen/ Jared crisis. But nothing like this. Nothing serious like this, with feelings and morals and beliefs.
"Forget I said anything," Chad whispered after what seemed like an eternity.
***
Some time after midnight, Jared finally opened the door to his house and sneaked inside. He saw the flickering lights of the TV from the hallway but the volume had to be on mute because he wasn’t hearing anything beside his own noises when he put his shoes in the corner and put the bag down.
"Jen? I’m home," Jared said quietly. He didn't know why he had said it. He was fairly sure Jensen was asleep on the couch and Jared didn’t really want to wake him.
And he didn’t know if he was ready to listen to the quiet voice inside his head that told him that it just felt good to say these words.
"Jeez, down, girl. Shhhh, baby." Sadie was suddenly on him, wagging her tail but thankfully not making any noise.
A second later, Harley came around the corner, happily greeting his daddy.
"Hey, Harley. Shhh," Jared whispered again and was glad his dogs seemed to be smart enough not to wake Jensen in their joy.
Avoiding making as much sound as he could manage, Jared entered the living room and found exactly what he had been expecting. Jensen was lying on the front end of the couch, one hand dangling off it and touching the floor. He was so far on the edge, it seemed like he would fall down any minute now. The dogs must have been sleeping behind him, two telltale cushions were wrinkled in just the right way.
The TV was on mute, showing some kind of commercial, and the light was mirrored in the glasses Jensen wore.
Jared moved forward and tried to carefully take Jensen’s glasses off without waking him up. He put them on a table near the TV and then grabbed a blanket and put it over him, making sure he was covered from shoulders to toes.
"Jay?" Jensen mumbled in a sleep drunken voice and without opening his eyes.
"Shhh, ‘s just me. Sleep." Jared smiled fondly down on his friend.
"’m cold. You stole the dogs. ‘s cold now," Jensen complained and made an attempt to cuddle himself deeper into the blanket.
Jared chuckled and tried to help his friend by tugging the blanket around his feet.
"Better?"
Jensen just shook his head, eyes still closed. Then a hand snuck out from under the blanket and grabbed Jared’s left arm.
"Jen? What?" Jared asked when his friend didn’t say anything.
"Just stay," came the sleepy reply.
Jared only hesitated for one second. He saw that the dogs had already found another place to sleep on the carpet and he checked Jensen’s cell phone that was lying on the couch table to make sure he had the alarm set for the next day. Then he just simply switched off the TV.
In the sudden almost complete darkness of the living room, he managed to throw a leg over his friend and then climbed behind him onto the couch. After some wriggling and tugging, he was also under the blanket and curled around his friend from behind; legs pressed together in that small space and one arm wrapped around his waist, his nose inches away from Jensen’s hair.
It felt good. It felt like home. The stress of the flight back from L.A. and the mixed feelings from the fight with Chad; it all just fell away from him and he felt himself starting to relax. His own body just sagged against his friend’s, Jensen’s body heat sweeped into him and made every muscle loosen up.
It was a good thing that Jared wasn’t in love with Jensen. So as long as Jensen let him, he could still have this. Still have this close contact with his friend, would still be able to touch him. As long as he didn’t love him it wouldn’t be wrong. There was nothing wrong in this contact, nothing bad, if he only loved him like a friend.
"When did you know that you were in love with me?" Jared’s words were quiet, whispered behind Jensen, and Jared was almost convinced that Jensen had fallen asleep again until he answered after a long silence.
"When my mother told me that we might be a family. And I realized that it wasn’t the kind of family I wanted us to be." Jensen’s voice was rough from sleep and it made Jared’s stomach flutter to hear him say something like that. To know that there was a person out there who wanted to spend his whole life with him.
"So, everytime you got sick ... ," Jared started but was interrupted by Jensen’s deep sigh.
"I can’t handle ... strong emotions that well," Jensen mumbled and Jared was surprised how honest Jensen suddenly was with him. "And when my mother called me that day, it happened all at once. I suddenly knew how ... how I felt about you and at the same time I knew that it could never happen even if you ... . And I freaked. I’m sorry."
"Don’t apologize," Jared told him in a low voice. "If things were different ... ."
Jared stopped, suddenly not sure how to say what he wanted to say. Not sure if he should.
"If things were different ... . Sometimes I wish I could be the one for you," he finally said and he felt the shiver that went through Jensen’s body, felt it against his own and heard him taking in a shaky breath.
"I still want you to come home, Jen," Jared whispered into the fine hair on Jensen’s neck. "Just come home."
He could feel Jensen tense just a little bit, his hand slowly caressing over Jensen’s heart, their skin only seperated by the thin shirt Jensen wore.
"Wouldn’t it look ... strange?" Jensen answered after a while.
"We could make something up. You had a problem with the landlord, or there was something wrong with the electrics. I don’t care how it looks. I want you to. If ... if you want to be here."
Jared nuzzled even closer, when he felt his limbs go heavy and sleep crawling up on him. He felt warm and loved and just plain good and he couldn’t remember having felt like this in a long time. Not since Sandy.
Deep down Jared knew that he should feel bad about what he was doing. That he should be worried by the fact that it felt so good to cuddle with his best friend, knowing that the man was in love with him and struggling with some really serious issues.
But right now it didn’t feel bad. Jared always needed to touch, needed physical contact in any way like air to breathe. And it might have been a disturbing thought for all the other straight guys of the rest of the world to get that physical affection from your male best friend. But the rest of the world wasn’t Jared. And the rest of the world didn’t have Jensen.
"Yeah, I’d like that. I want to come home, too," Jensen answered after Jared had been almost asleep and already forgotten the question.
***
Three days later, the whole crew plus Jared were waiting for Jensen after the lunch break. Jared was already on his mark, thinking about his first lines so he would easily get into the scene. Kim was shooting annoyed glances in the direction were Jensen had to appear any minute now.
But instead, a really nervous looking PA walked towards them. "Jensen asked for another ten minutes," she told them and looked from Kim to Jared and back.
"Something wrong?" Kim had turned to Jared, immediately expecting an answer.
Jared just shrugged his shoulders. When he had seen him twenty minutes before, he had been on the phone with Mike discussing the details about Jen moving back to Jared’s on the following weekend. Mike had been bitching about being asked to help again and had called Jensen a stupid, annoying Hollywood bastard who used his friends as slaves. But that was just a typical conversation with Mike and Jensen had offered him a whole lot of beer and had been laughing all the time. Nothing had been wrong right then. Well, nothing specifically new at least. But Jared was already three steps behind the PA, heading for his friend. He could hear Kim announce another ten minute break before he had left the hall and walked over to Jensen’s trailer.
When he opened the door without knocking, it was quiet. Like the quietness when he had come home and found Jensen motionless on the couch. The little hairs on Jared’s neck stood up and he felt an uncomfortable shiver run through his body.
"Jen?"
He could see his friend standing in the middle of his trailer, clutching the phone with one hand and his face full of sorrow.
"Jen, oh god, please, not again."
Jared was with him in a heartbeat, his hands gripping hold of Jensen’s shoulders and forcing the older man to look up.
"Come on, don’t do this to me again, Jen! Come on, talk to me!"
Jensen blinked and made an attempt to shake his head as if to clear his mind from whatever was bothering him.
"I’m sorry, I ... I’m sorry."
"God, I swear, if I ever find you like this again I will make sure that there will never be a phone in a two-mile radius wherever you are! I’m getting traumatised myself from always finding you like this!"
"Jason knows," Jensen stated like it was the end of the world.
"Jason knows what?"
"He ... he somehow ran into my mother the other day in Dallas, ... when he was in Dallas ... , and she told him ... told him that we’re related. It just a matter of time until ... until they all know."
"Why would he ... ? Jason is not a guy who gossips around, Jen, and you know that!" Jared hadn’t loosened the grip on Jensen and shook his friend a little, trying to get through to him.
"No, he isn’t!" Jensen suddenly yelled and Jared kind of thought that it was better than Jensen being all serious and quiet. "But according to my mother, he thought it was damn funny and he’s going to meet Steve today and, Jeez. He didn’t see me like I was that weekend, but he’s going to tell Steve and Steve knows! Steve saw me, and it’s like you said, there are only two reasons why I would freak out and everyone can see that I don’t hate you! They’ll know, Jared! They’ll figure it out, just like you did!"
Jensen’s eyes were huge, panic and desperation showing in them.
"Steve will know. And he’ll tell Chris because this is something he’ll have to talk about to someone and Chris will tell Mike and Tom, because he’ll think he kinda owes them the truth when they all came up here that weekend and when they were worried about me. They will all know." The last words had been nothing but a weak whisper.
"Maybe you should tell them yourself then?" Jared suggested, but regretted it immediately when Jensen looked at him in pure shock.
"I can’t, Jay. You can call me a coward all you want, but I just ... I can’t. They’re my friends, I’ve known them for years. I can’t lose them."
Jared looked at his friend, took in his fear and frustration, and then simply made a step towards him and wrapped him in a tight hug.
"You’re an idiot, Jen," he told him, his voice rich with affection. "You should start to have faith in your friends, man, give them some credit."
He felt the older man sigh in his arms, but then Jensen drew back and wiped one hand over his face, the other hand resting on his hip.
"This isn’t me, Jay!" he exlaimed, angry and exhausted. "I’m not this weak, vulnerable ... person! I hate being like this!"
Jared nodded at his friend. He understood. Jensen had always been this strong, immovable rock to him. He was shy, sure, and uneasy around bigger groups of people. But he had always been sure about himself, always known who he was and what he wanted.
Now Jensen was anything but strong and sure.
"Everytime the phone rings, I flinch," Jensen went on, frustration making his voice higher and croaky. "And when I see that it’s my mother I don’t wanna answer it." He made a move with his hand, pleading Jared to understand. "It’s my mother, Jay."
"I know," Jared whispered and let his eyes fall closed briefly. Then he straightened up and looked at Jensen. "I’m sorry, it’s all my fault."
"What? No! None of this is your fault!"
"It is, Jen. It is." Jared gave Jensen a serious look. "It’s all because I’m so awesome."
"What?" Jensen blinked several times.
"Yeah. I mean, you totally had to fall in love with me. I’m just so damn awesome and hot - don’t forget I’m hot as hell!" Jared had issues to keep a straight face at the way Jensen looked at him, gaping.
"I’m sorry, Jen. If I could make myself any less great, I would totally do it for you."
And, finally, Jensen started to laugh - really laugh, threw his head back and held his stomach as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
"You’re totaly insane," he told Jared when he was able to breathe again.
Jared grinned at him. "Yeah, maybe. But come on, you love it."
Jensen gave him a thankful smile. "Yeah, maybe that’s true," he smirked.
Jared was convinced that the flutter in his stomach was just because of the relief that he could make his friend smile and pull out of his misery, at least a little.
"So, your momma say anything about the blood test?" Jared asked after what felt like a safe amount of time.
Jensen turned serious again, but not to the heavy desperation he was showing minutes ago and Jared counted that as a victory. Jensen nodded. "They have an appointment sometime next week. Results will be ready around Christmas."
"That’s good, right?" Jared asked.
"Yeah," Jensen sighed. "I need to know, need to know for sure."
"And you will." Jared patted his friend’s shoulder. "But until then, you promise me not to think about it too much, okay? There’s no point in worrying about things you don’t know are true, you hear me?"
Jensen smiled at him and nodded obediently. "Yes, Jared, I hear you." Then he laughed. "God, Jay, you totally enjoy this, huh? Being all protective and shit?"
"Yeah, maybe. But you kinda love it, too." Jared grinned again.
"Man, you just want to hear me say it, right? Yes, I do love you." Jensen rolled his eyes and moaned. "God, you’re worse than a girl. Now, get your ass out of my trailer. My ten minutes are long over."
The warm, nice feeling in Jared’s stomach stayed for the rest of the day.
***
When Jared stopped at a red light, he reached for his phone and pressed button number one; a second later, Jensen answered.
"Dude, where the hell are you? You crash the van into a wall? What the hell’s taking you so long?"
Jared groaned in frustration. "I can drive, thank you very much!" he told his friend. "But I must have bad karma or something, I have to stop at every fucking red light this city has! Dude, I swear, they even put up some new ones while we were sleeping."
He heard his friend laugh at the other line. "As long as you get here some time today."
"Yeah, just ten minutes, I guess. Okay, see you there." Jared hung up again when the light turned green.
Two streets later, Jared suddenly gasped, reached for the phone, called Jensen’s number again and put him on speaker-phone.
"Dude, what?" Jensen sounded amused.
"Shit, Jen. I’m so sorry!"
"About what?"
"God, all the times I made fun of you! All the times I kept making jokes about how you had a crush on me ... on TV and shit!" Jared groaned. "I’m the worst person ever. I’m so sorry, man, really sorry!"
Jared stopped the apologies when he heard the other man laughing over the phone. "Dude, seriously? You were joking, so what? I might not be at my best right now, but you gotta give me some credit, man. I’m not some stupid school girl, who is drawing little hearts and writing ‘Jensen Padalecki’ everywhere."
"No, TVGuide did that for you." Jared couldn’t help but laugh.
"Ahh, don’t remind me," Jensen answered, but Jared could hear him laughing too.
"You sure I didn’t hurt you?" Jared asked.
"I’m sure, Jay. Don’t worry about it."
This time, Jensen hung up and Jared continued driving and stopping at every street light and stop sign he could find. He groaned again in frustration, cursing himself that he had offered to get the van and that Jensen could stay at the apartment.
Three minutes later he dialed Jensen’s number again.
"Dude! You’ll be here in, what, five minutes? Can’t you just wait till then?"
"Jen, am I the first guy? In ... in your life?" Jared asked, completely ignoring Jensen’s question from before.
There was silence on the other end. Then, Jensen answered. "You’re not. There were three guys before you. Two back in school and ... , and one before Danneel."
Jared’s eyes widened. He had figured that Jensen might have some experience, but again, hearing him say it was totally different. And the one before Danneel; Jared and Jensen must have already been friends by then. Jared didn’t know why, but it bothered him.
"You’re freaking out now?" Jensen asked, and his voice sounded empty.
"No! No." Jared hurried to say. "No, I’m just ... wow. You never told me. Does your family know? Steve and Chris? Jason? Mike and Tom?" Jared tried to convince himself that he was not asking because he wanted to know how many people in Jensen’s life knew Jensen better then him. He wasn’t. Not because of that. He was just curious.
He heard Jensen sigh. "Just Steve. It was kinda ... accidental. Look, I need you to understand something, okay? I never told anyone, not because I feared their reactions but because it was never important."
Jared snorted at that, but tried to stay silent.
"I might have exprience with guys, okay? But that’s it. It never was something important or serious. Not enough for me to introduce them to anyone. I always thought ... knew ... I would marry some girl and have kids and settle down and all that stuff. I always thought I ... wanted that."
Jared kind of understood. Jensen never wasted time and thought on things that weren’t important. Or that he thought weren’t important. It made a freaky kind of sense in his logic.
"But I ... ," Jensen continued on the other end. "I’ve never been in love with a guy before."
The feeling floated through Jared’s body again, and this time Jared didn’t deny himself the fact that it just felt good to hear Jensen say it.
"Jen, I ... I don’t know what to say."
"Just say that we’re okay. That you’re not angry at me because I didn’t tell you everything about me."
"I’m not. I’m really not."
"Good. Now can we stop this talk now? Please? You’ll be here in a minute and you’re keeping me from packing anyway."
Jared laughed. "Nah, it’s still ten minutes I guess, traffic’s a bitch today. And you’re not packing. You never unpacked anything. You’re just sittin’ on your lazy ass and waiting for Mike."
Shit.
Jared cringed and could have hit himself. He had sworn to himself that he wasn’t going to mention him or their friends today. On the slight off-chance that Mike wouldn’t show. Because they knew, that their friends knew the ... news. Jason had called right after he had met Steve. Jason had wondered why Jensen hadn’t told his friend about the ‘cousins - thing’, but he had been far more excited about the huge coincidence to notice how uncomfortable it made Jensen. But now they knew. They knew that he had told Steve and Jared silently agreed with Jensen that the other guys would know by now as well.
Nobody had called. The phone call with Jason had been two days ago and none of their friends had called. Jensen had avoided the phone like the plague, too, and so they had no idea if their friends had jumped to the right conclusion. And how they were taking it.
Jared didn’t really think that there would be any problems or hard feelings. But Jensen had been so nervous about it, that it kind of had affected Jared as well.
"Jay, get your ass here so we can start moving. We don’t have all day," came the reply from Jensen, sounding off and avoiding mentioning Mike completely.
***
It was fourteen minutes later, when Jared parked the van outside of Jensen’s apartment. (He had checked his watch so he could tell Jensen exactly how long he had been stuck in traffic just because he had to move out in the first place). There was another car in the parking lot he recognized as Tom’s and a wave of relief washed through him.
Tom had come too. That was a good sign.
Right?
Jared didn’t hesitate any longer, shut the van and made his way up to Jensen’s apartment.
He could hear them even from the stairs. He heard Chris’ voice, laughing and then Steve complaining. Jared actually looked towards the heavens and mouthed ‘thank you’, before he knocked on the door.
Tom opened the door, at the same time as rolling his eyes and making an annoyed face. "Maybe you can make them stop. I swear, if I had known they would be bitching at each other like an old married couple, I wouldn’t have come."
Jared stepped inside and watched Steve carrying three boxes on top of each other and Chris standing next to him and laughing. Jared couldn’t find any obvious reason for that, beside that Steve looked so gloriously pissed, but that wasn’t even that funny.
"Jay-man! Got the keys?" Chris had spotted him and stopped mocking his friend for awhile in order to grab the keys from Jared’s raised hand.
He made another step towards Jared, pushing right into his personal space. "I know this shit isn’t your fault," he whispered, the look in his eyes demanding attention and Jared had to admit that he was the tiniest bit intimidated by the shorter man.
"But if you do something that hurts Jensen, I’m gonna end you."
"Didn’t expect any less from you, Kane," Jared nodded and Chris face changed in an instant and a smile spread on his face.
"Good." He clapped Jared on the shoulder and then took two boxes himself and he and Steve made their way down.
"Uhm, shouldn’t we start with the big stuff?" Jared shouted after them. "Like the bed?"
He could see Chris shaking his head without turning around. "Nah, Jenny has so little stuff, we could have fit it all in my car," he shouted back over his shoulder.
Jared just shrugged and watched the two men turn around the corner before he turned around and saw Tom watching Jensen carefully lifting his guitarcases.
Jensen’s face was tight and when he spoke, his voice was just a little unsteady. "I’m gonna bring them down, before the two morons break any of this stuff."
"They’re musicians, Jensen. They’re going to break everything you have, except your instruments," Tom replied, smiling. But right then Jared realized what was wrong with the picture.
"Where’s Mike?" he asked, looking from Jensen to Tom and back.
He could have sworn right then, that the temperature in the room had just dropped a dozen degrees.
No. No way. Not Mike.
"I have problems dealing with it myself, Jay," Jensen told him in a small but serious voice. "I can’t expect anyone else to be okay with this."
And with that and a look Jared knew asked him to drop the topic, Jensen left the apartment and went down the hallway.
Jared turned to face Tom, who looked at him, barely hidden anger in his eyes.
"No. Not Mike." Jared shook his head in disbelief.
"He called me, told me he couldn’t make it today, that he needed some time. I swear, it took Steve and me and about an hour to convince Chris not to go to him and kick his ass." Tom’s tone was neutral, but the clenched teeth proved just how angry he was.
So they knew. It had happened just like Jensen had feared. Jason had told Steve and Steve had told the others. They had jumped to the right conclusion immediately and now they were all here, showing Jensen their support. Everyone but Mike.
"Is it ... ," Jared started hesitantly. "Is it because Mike is pissed that Jensen never told him he was bisexual. Or ... or is it because of me? Because of what Jensen feels for me?"
Tom shrugged his shoulders. "I don’t know what’s going on in his head. He didn’t tell me. And I never thought that Mike would be the kind of guy to judge someone. It’s heavy," Tom looked up, met Jared’s eyes and for the first time Jared got a hint of how big the issue really was, how scared and confused Jensen must really be. "This whole thing, it’s huge, when you think about it and not easy to deal with. The way we were raised, it’s tough. But there was not a second where I thought I wouldn’t be able to support him and I’m sure Chris and Steve feel the same way. But Mike, I don’t know."
"It’s just ... ." Jared trailed off, wiped his eyes and felt suddenly exhausted. "It’s just that I had fought so hard to make Jensen believe in his friends, make him believe that nothing would change."
"Jared, just give Mike some time," Tom advised caringly. "He will come to his senses, and if not, I’m gonna kick his ass myself."
They both could hear Steve, Chris and Jensen coming back up and with a silent agreement, they decided to ignore the topic for the rest of the day.
***
"And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don’t feel any pain"
The day had been long and exhausting. Not the moving - the moving had been quick, since Jensen hadn’t really unpacked anything and with five guys it hadn’t required much time.
But all this time he had been stuck in thoughts and doubts. His friends had done everything to cheer him up, to distract him and it had worked for most of the time. Most of. Not all the time.
The truth was, Jensen felt like a hypocrite. He had always feared that his friends would turn away from him once they learned the truth about him. Not just the truth about his sexuality, but also about the new feelings he had. The incestuous feelings towards Jared.
Jensen stood in their kitchen, the sun long down, and shuddered at the thought. Incest. That’s what it was. There was no point in denying it. They weren’t brother’s but they still shared the same blood and it was bad enough.
But now that Mike had turned away from him, Jensen had to realize, that he never had expected it. Not from any of his friends, but especially not from Mike.
And it hurt so damn much.
Jensen didn’t want to show it. He felt like he had to be grateful for every friend he still had and, above all things, that Jared was still there, still at his side, allowing and accepting him to be whoever he was.
Jensen put the bottles aside his friends had left and went back into the living room where Jared was sitting lazily on the couch. The guys had left just ten minutes before, Tom driving and complaining that he had to bring two totally drunk guys safely back to their hotel.
After they had finished, they had just sat together, watched a game and drank a couple of beers. Except for Tom, who was the driver and Jensen, who hadn’t felt like getting drunk. But Jared had had his fair share of alcohol and so he was sprawled across the couch and looking up to Jensen with that easy, affectionate smile on his face.
And that right there was one of the few times, when Jensen had to fight for selfcontrol.
He had told Jared that it was okay, most of the times, to love his best friend. That it didn’t bother him, most of the times. And it was true. But what he hadn’t told him was, that the few times, when it was not okay, it hurt ten times as much, it was like a punch in the guts and a knife through his heart.
It was those times when Jensen knew he couldn’t hide the longing and the want and the love showing in his eyes and when he could just hope Jared wouldn’t see, wouldn’t catch it.
But right now, Jared saw it. His smile faded and changed to a thoughtful look on his face.
Suddenly, Jensen didn’t know what to do. Glued to his spot in the middle of the room, he didn’t know if he wanted to leave or take the two steps towards Jared and sit with him on the couch.
Jared decided for him when he moved over a little bit to offer his friend some space. Jensen looked around the room. Harley and Sadie were lying on the other chairs so there was nowhere to sit except next to Jared.
Which Jensen knew was a bad idea, with Jared half drunk and with his guard down and Jensen ... a lovesick and horny fool.
Jensen sighed deeply and gave in to the inevitable. He sat down next to Jared, his friend’s bodyheat immediately prickling on his own skin.
Their legs pressed together and their forearms touching, Jared leaned back and looked at Jensen, almost studying him.
"You don’t deserve me," he stated, as if it was something obvious and Jensen frowned, not knowing which way Jared meant it.
"You’re so ... god, you’re so beautiful. And great. You’re that wonderful kind, loving, passionate person under all this caution. And you’re so goddamn gorgeous." Jared stopped, the studying glance never leaving his face, and Jensen’s heart was racing in his chest.
"You don’t deserve to love someone like me. Someone so ordinary and normal. You deserve someone who loves you back just as much." Jared had whispered the last words.
Jensen wanted to protest. Wanted to tell Jared that he was everything but ordinary or normal and that it was Jensen who was not good enough for Jared. But the reply got stuck in his throat and he was so overwhelmed by Jared’s words that he had to concentrate on fighting the urge just to lean over and kiss the man senseless.
Instead he grabbed his friend’s hand, pressed it to his heart once and breathed, "Thank you", not knowing what else he was supposed to answer to this. He felt like he had learned the gesture from Jared. And he had started to use it, because it said so much. It said ‘I love you’ and ‘Thank you’ and so many other things and it was still innocent and Jensen could still say all these things this way.
Jared smiled deeply at him and squeezed his hand, not letting go.
"You know, I do love it," Jared said and Jensen didn’t understand what he was talking about, but he was distracted with the way Jared was playing with Jensen’s hand, rubbing his palm and toying with his fingers.
"When you say that you love me," Jared added and that finally got Jensen’s attention. Jared made a face, half embaressement half apologeptic. "I know that it sucks for you, and I hope you won’t be angry when I tell you this."
Jared stopped as if waiting for Jensen to reply, but Jensen just nodded.
"I love that you love me," Jared confessed with a deep sigh. "I love the way you look at me and touch me and let me touch you."
Jensen knew he had to stop Jared. That he had to stop him saying these things. That Jared was crossing a line here even if he was too drunk to know. That Jared was probably saying things he would be embarressed about later or he didn’t mean the way they were coming out right now, the way Jensen was understanding them. But he couldn’t bring himself to say something.
"I’ve never felt so loved before in my life. And I know I shouldn’t like it so much, not when it hurts you so bad, but I love the way you are around me. I feel like we’ve grown even closer, like you opened the last door between us."
Jared looked at him with a smile, his face speaking of happiness and love.
Not that kind of love Jensen wanted, he had to remind himself. And shouldn’t want either.
And then he had to remind himself that there was still a closed door. That there had to be one or Jensen could just move closer until there lips would touch and this time the fight was too much for him to take and he moved closer and placed his lips against Jared’s forehead, innocent enough and only betrayed by his frantic heartbeat and the hint of pure lust rushing through his veines.
"I’ll go to bed, Jay," Jensen whispered against his skin. "It’s been a long day."
He kissed him again and then drew back, attempting to get up, but Jared stopped him, grabbing his arms and holding him in place.
Jared’s eyes were closed and he was holding his breath and Jensen didn’t know how he deserved this, why he was being punished with having all that he desired in front of him and not being able to take it.
"Too much, Jay," he managed to say into the small space between them and that seemed to reach to Jared, who opened his eyes and focused on Jensen, mouthing ‘Sorry’ and Jensen didn’t want to think about what he was seeing in his friend’s eyes.
But he gave in one last time, cupped his friend’s cheek with his right hand and placed a kiss on his friend’s temple, lingering just a bittersweet second too long, before he finally found the strength to get up from the couch and leave the room without looking back.
next