Closed Doors - Chapter 9/10
Jared balanced three almost empty plates in both hands and took them into the kitchen; proud of himself that he had managed not to stumble over his own two feet or one of the dozens of relatives who were squeezed into the house.
"Thanks, sweetie." His mother reached for the plates and buried them into the dishwasher, wearing an exhausted and concentrated look. "Bring the rest of it and I think I can start with the dessert then. Jen, Jeff and Josh can help you. And tell the girls I need them in here."
Jared nodded, his best handling-a-crisis-and/or-a-family-dinner-nod and vanished somewhere in the dining room. This room and the living room looked like a place currently holding a huge family-reunion and that was kind of the case, with close relatives from both the Ackles - and the Padalecki clan in there. From Jared’s great-grandmother, Jensen’s uncle Richard with his five kids, to Jeff, who had came for a visit with his wife and his baby girl and Josh, who had brought his wife and the boys. Everyone seemed to be there and Sherri and Donna were hosting the lunch/dinner/reunion like the best of them.
Jared spotted Jeff and Jensen already loading more dirty plates onto their arms and Josh, who was trying to get the leftover potatoes back into the kitchen, but one or another family member would hold the bowl and get another spoonful on their plates.
Jared delivered another round of plates into the kitchen and then went upstairs. First, to check on Harley and Sadie, who he had locked in his room, thinking, so many people might be too much for them and he had been sure to give them the promise of an extra long run in the evening. When he found them lazily curled up on his bed, he looked for ‘the sisters’ ( which is how they were called these days, because you couldn’t find one without the other).
Knocking on Megan’s door, he heard the previous low chatter stop and Mackenzie opened it, smiling.
"Thank god, I thought you were Mom," she said in a relieved tone and rolled her eyes. "I so don’t wanna go back down there. It’s way too crowded for my taste."
She took a step back into the room where Jared could see Megan sitting on her bed, the telephone to her ear.
"Hey, JT," she greeted, when she looked up and then handed him the phone. "It’s Chad."
"Chad?" Jared repeated, confused.
His sister nodded like it was totally normal for Chad to call on the house telephone.
"Momma wants you two back in the kitchen," he told them before he reached for the phone and heard two annoyed moans from the girls when they left the room, before he answered it.
"Hey, JT, man, how are you?" Chad’s voice came over the line cheerful as ever.
"Why the hell aren’t you calling my cell?" Jared asked in way of greeting.
"What’s wrong with that, buddy?"
"Dude, I’ll tell you this just one time," Jared started, his voice low and dangerous. "I love you like a brother, but if you don’t keep your hands off my sister or Jensen’s sister or any other girl in this family, I will rip your balls off myself."
"Whoa, chill, Dude," Chad replied, laughing and not sounding the slightest bit offended. "I just wanted to check on you and thought I might say hello to your folks while I was at it. Nothing wrong with that."
"Check on me?"
He heard Chad exhale on the other end. "Yeah. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay down there, with Ackles around and with this being the first Christmas without Sandy and all that."
Jared was silent for a moment. He didn’t know if he was more surprised by Chad sounding like he really cared, or about the fact that, not for one second, it had came to his mind that this was his first Christmas without Sandy. There had been so much going on in his life lately, that he didn’t have the time to even think about that.
"Dude, you still there?"
"Yeah. Well, I ... I didn’t even think of Sandy, to be honest."
"Hmm," Chad answered which made Jared listen more closely.
"What do you mean ‘Hmm’?"
"Just ... okay, I’m asking one more time, just to make sure. Jared, are you in love with Jensen?"
Jared went silent again. He hadn’t expected that question, hadn’t even thought about what he would answer if this would come up again and maybe he should have lied and said no, but the word that came out of his mouth was a simple, "Yes."
This time it was Chad who stayed silent for a long time. "Shit, man," he finally said, his voice low on the other end. "Shit, I’m sorry."
"Yeah." Jared closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could hear the sounds from downstairs but nothing could have sounded further away than that at this moment.
He still hadn’t talked to Jensen properly. They had parted earlier that night and ever since they’d gotten up again they hadn’t had one moment alone for themselves. Early in the morning, they had spent almost two hours looking for the perfect big, bushy, straight tree, with just the right amount of branches and just the perfect thickness of the trunk. Right after that the preparations for the dinner had begun and not an hour later, the first guests had arrived.
Jared craved a moment alone with Jensen. He didn’t know what he would say, what he would do. But seeing each other and not being able to talk about what had happened, not being able to sort out where they were going with this, made him crazy.
"Nothing you can do, though," he stated to Chad. "If the results are positive, there’s nothing you can do."
"When will you get them?" Chad simply asked.
"Around Christmas. Three or four days. They said we’re on a waiting list, said, that there are a lot of people who want to get tested these days, to know if they are the real father of someone or stuff like that. Yeah, we’re still waiting. They’ll send us the letter as soon as they can, maybe around Christmas, they said." Jared was aware that he was rambling again and that Chad was letting him, which made it clear how serious this really was.
"If they’re positive man, I ...," he started and Jared thought that maybe Chad was going to offer to be there for him, but Chad didn’t say that out loud. "But they can still come out negative, you know? I mean, how likely is that, that you’re related? You, of all people? I mean, come on!"
"Yeah, but what if we are? I don’t know what we’ll do. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to us. It was hard enough before I ... . It was hard enough then," Jared trailed off, not needing to express anything any further.
"You’ll have to wait until then, I guess. Don’t worry about stuff that didn’t happen yet, bro."
Jared laughed at that. "This is what I kept telling Jensen."
"And it’s true! Okay, dude, gotta go. Say hi to your momma."
"Will do."
Jared ended the call and not without taking a deep breath at first, he made his way back downstairs.
Loud laughter and chatting surrounded him when he got back, but it seemed everyone was having their dessert now and Jared even spotted his momma outside the kitchen, sitting next to Donna and talking to grandma Ackles.
Jensen was nowhere to be seen, but he found him alone in the kitchen when he was looking for his own share of dessert.
"Hiding?" he asked with a smirk and it was the first word spoken between them in private since the night before.
"Dude, whenever I tell you again I don’t like conventions because of the mass of people? Remind me of what’s outside that kitchen door, alright?"
Jensen was making a face and digging around in his chocolate pudding, but he was obviously not very hungry.
"Look I ... ," Jared started, still not sure what he was about to say. "I know that ... I know that, if the blood tests come out positive, we’ll never have a chance at this." Jared was vaguely motioning between himself and Jensen. "But I want you to know, that I’ll take everything you wanna give me. Everything. From friendship to ... to secret kisses in the kitchen, "he blushed but didn’t stop talking, " I just wanted to say that it’s not me, it’s you, your choice and, God."
Jared closed his eyes briefly. "God, I didn’t want it to come out like that. Damn. I just ... , I mean, I respect your beliefs, you know I do, and I just ... I just wanted you to know that, I guess."
Jensen stared at him. He had watched Jared through his entire speech, his look open, sad and raw.
"You’re not making this any easier, Jay," he whispered, barely loud enough for Jared to hear.
That moment, Jared’s cousin Jamie chose to come in and smiled at the men. "Hey, guys. Jared, your momma said you got more cream in here somewhere?"
Jared needed a moment before his brain had switched his attention from Jensen to Jamie and then he nodded and gave her another bowl from the fridge. Donna had made like ten bowls of homemade cream and they had stocked half the fridge with it.
"Thanks, guys," Jamie cheered and left them.
"Your cousin's a sweet girl," Jensen stated casually and Jared froze.
While he had still been watching her, Jensen had come up behind him, standing so close now, their bodies were almost touching. He could feel Jensen behind him with every nerve-ending in his body and his senses were vibrating.
"Yeah," he answered, his voice shaky. "She’s nineteen, wants to be a lawyer," Jared added, not knowing why, but he felt like talking to distract himself from the seductive presence behind him. Since when had Jensen such power over his own body?
"You wanna fuck her?"
The moment was gone in an instant and Jared swirled around, shocked, disgusted, and feeling an uneasy and unpleasant shiver running down his spine.
"What the hell was that for?" he asked, his voice angry and confused.
Jensen looked at him with a calm and serious expression. "I’m just trying to make a point here." His answer was sad and final sounding.
"Because that’s all they would see," he motioned to the closed door, talking about all the people on the other side. "Think about them, Jay! About what they would think. Maybe we would be able to keep it a secret for awhile, but not forever. They’ll know eventually. And imagine what they would think. About us. They wouldn’t understand. And even if they tried for us? You can’t expect them to be okay with this. It’s our families out there, Jay! Do you want your mother to go through that? To second guess herself for what she did wrong? To try not to be disgusted by her own son? To try to deal with a son who’s suddenly turned gay and fucking his own cousin? It would tear them apart, Jay, do you want that?"
"Stop it," Jared whispered, horrified, but Jensen didn’t stop.
"And think about our sisters. How people will look at them, talk to them. It’s bad enough because we’re guys, but cousins? They would suffer from this! They would try to support us but with the pressure of the whole world out there? How long do you think it will take before they’ll hate us for what we’ve done to them? They love us, Jay. They love us and they would try for us, but do you really want them to try? And then think about your little niece. How the people around her will talk about her two uncles, living in sin, how ... ."
"Stop it!" Jared hissed, trying so hard not to scream out loud. He was shaking and he felt sickness slowly crawling up his stomach.
Jensen was mirroring his emotions, though. Shaking just as much and the same look of fear and horror that Jared was sure was on his face too.
But now, Jared finally, finally, understood. This was what Jensen had been so horribly afraid of.
"I’m just trying ... ." Jensen’s voice had lost all of its sureness and strength, sounding weak now. "It’s not what I believe, Jay. It’s what everybody else does. I love you. And no one will ever be able to take that from me. But.We.Can’t."
Jared nodded fiercely. He felt like every muscle in his face was shaking, his jaw clenched so tight it hurt. But this time, he wasn’t crying again, this time, he had to fight it.
Because he feared if he started to cry this time, he wouldn’t ever be able to stop.
***
"Breathe your life into me, I can feel you, I’m falling, falling faster"
It got worse every day.
Jensen tried to convince himself that it was a good thing that he had finally gotten through to Jared, had gotten his point across.
What he hadn’t expected were the marks that it had left on Jared. He seemed to be deep in his thoughts most of the time. The other family members had already noticed the lack of his bouncing around the house and laughing so loud the entire street was able to hear him.
Sharon was constantly feeling his forehead and asking him if he was alright. Jared would always answer that he was just tired and maybe even exhausted.
Jensen didn’t know what to do. With everything he had intended to do, Jared falling apart hadn’t been one of them.
It was December twenty-fourth and Jensen’s dad and Gerald had finally set up the tree; a huge, impressive tree right in the middle of the living room. Sharon had laid out all the boxes on the table, filled with Christmas decorations and had left the girls and Jared and Jensen with the task of decorating the tree properly.
The mothers were in the kitchen, fixing another family meal and Jensen wondered how his own mom and Sherri could look so happy and content if they had nothing else to do but to spend almost two weeks solely in the kitchen. The fathers had left the house again, visiting another relative.
That had left Megan and Mackenzie facing Jensen, Jared and the tree, so Jensen felt the tension fall off of them a little bit. Jared was smiling and Jensen hoped that the Christmas spirit was enough to cheer him up a little.
"Okay, let’s do this people!" Mackenzie clapped her hands and chose the first of the little angel ornaments from a box.
They worked mainly in comfortable silence, only interupted by easy chatter and low chuckles. At home, Jensen hadn’t helped very often to decorate the tree, but in this house and together with Jared, it felt oddly right. And he felt that, not being able to be with Jared meant missing out on so much more than just the sex.
When it had just been him and his own feelings, he had always pictured them being best friends forever, in every cheesy and disgustingly cliche detail. How they would call each other regularly and visit after Supernatural had ended; how they would see each other on the holidays, sharing old stories and new ones. After the last few days, he wasn’t even sure if they would be able to get through another year.
"Mom?!" Mackenzie shouted suddenly, making the other three jump. "Didn’t you pack grandma’s crochet angels?"
"Still in the car, sweetie," Jensen’s mom answered, poking her head out the kitchen door.
"Let’s go get them," Megan proposed and the girls left the living room and the boys by themselves again.
The atmosphere changed in an instant. Thick, heavy tension was stirring the air and the room felt suddenly too silent now. Jensen could hear Jared breathe.
Jared was standing with his back to Jensen, facing the tree, one of the plastic snowflakes still in his hand and Jensen could see that his friend’s body was tensed. He was feeling it too.
It was like Jensen was watching himself taking the steps towards Jared, without ever having made the conscious decision, and then he was right behind him, not touching, but so.close.
Jared’s familiar scent was flaring through his nostrils and all Jensen could do was to clench his fists to make himself keep the last bits of control he still had.
Both men were breathing hard, staying perfectly still. Jensen couldn’t see Jared’s face, but he imagined his eyes closed and the lower lip sucked in between his teeth. He couldn’t say where this image had come from, but it was making him hard and that, here in the living room, was just plain wrong.
He sucked in a sharp breath, collected his strength and swayed one last time towards Jared before he finally made the steps back and turned around.
Trying to get some desperately needed air, he walked over to the study and had just reached the desk, when he was swirled around and slammed into the next empty wall, a warm body crashing into him.
Jared was hard. His erection pressing against Jensen’s in their jeans and Jensen had to bite down on his tongue not to groan out loud, but a small whimper made his way out of his mouth anyway.
Jared was holding him in place, both hands holding Jensen’s above his head and pressing them against the wall, their bodies flush together. His face was hovering just inches above Jensen’s, their lips only a breath apart.
Jensen wished, pleaded, prayed in his head, that Jared would make the final move and kiss him.
But he stayed there, his eyes closed, both men too close together to look each other in the eyes.
"You do this again," Jared said in a low, rumbling voice and Jensen had to bite back another moan, "and I’ll drag you upstairs and fuck you no matter what."
Jensen’s mind was shutting down and he was just seconds away from screaming ‘Yes!’ when Jared let go of him and went out of the room.
Jensen watched him, breathing hard and speechless, and a thought was worming its way into his conscious mind.
They had started to play a game here. And neither remembering that the only way to win was not to play.
***
"It’s here."
Jared heard the excitement in his mother’s voice when she came back into the living room, holding something in her hand and handing it over to Donna who blinked at her with a nervous expression on her face.
The tree was decorated, everything else was set, the family just had another perfect dinner and everybody was just sitting lazily on the couch or a chair or whatever surface was still available.
"The letter from the clinic where you got tested," Jared’s mother explained to the others, pointing at an ordinary white envelope in Donna’s hands and sounding a little out of breath.
Jared tensed immediately and his heart was beating rapidly in his chest. He shared a quick glance with Jensen who was sitting across the room but looking exactly like Jared felt at that moment.
Jared’s father got up and made some steps towards Jensen’s mother, looking down on the small letter in her hand.
"You want to open it now?" he asked her.
"No, I ... ." She smiled at the group of people. "I want to open it tomorrow. With all the presents, if you don’t mind."
Silence fell on the room, but nobody protested.
She nodded, hope and excitement showing on her face so clearly that it hurt Jared to see her, and when he looked over to Jensen again, he saw that his eyes were closed and one hand clenched to a fist.
This wasn’t fair. This so wasn’t fair, their parents’ happiness depending on their sons’ agony. They didn’t know about that, but that didn’t make it any less true.
"I’ll put it under the tree," Donna said and did as she had said, the small, life-changing envelope now lying innocently under the Christmas tree.
***
Late night on Christmas Eve, when the families were preparing to leave the house for the Midnight Mass, Jared knew that there was no way he would go with them. He couldn’t imagine himself sitting in a church and listening to all the holy spirits and thanks and prayers with Jensen right beside him. Not when all he could think of doing was kissing and licking and fucking the guy next to him and it was making his stomach twist because of the sheer sin his thoughts were in the eyes of the church or because he couldn’t have it, he didn’t know.
"I’m not coming with you, Momma," he told her in a weak tone.
"You okay, honey?" She asked, concern immediately lacing her voice.
"What’s up, Jared?" His father asked and Jensen looked up at him from behind them.
"I’m just not feeling too well. I think, maybe you were right and I’m getting sick. I don’t know. I just wanna go to bed and sleep." He knew he didn’t have to play this. He sounded wrecked and had looked horrible for days now, he didn’t need to fake any of it.
"I’ll stay here with you, honey," Jared’s mom stated and had already started to put off her shoes again.
"No, you go. I’ll be fine," Jared hurried to say. He didn’t want her to miss Mass because of him. He didn’t want her to stay here.
His mother shot him a sceptical look. "You sure, sweetie?"
Jared nodded and hoped that it was enough to convince his mother.
"I’m staying with him."
Jared’s head shot up, his eyes locking with Jensen’s immediately.
"You don’t have to. You can go, I’ll be fine," he told him.
Jensen just shook his head, putting off his shoes and his jacket. "I’m staying with you."
Jared wanted to say something else, wanted to protest, because it sure as hell wasn’t a good idea for them to be alone in this house for hours. But his mother was already kissing him goodbye and the other family members were out the door and eventually, it was only him and Jensen left.
They looked at each other in silence.
"You okay?" Jensen asked as if he wanted to make sure that Jared really had been lying to his mother, and not told the truth and was really getting sick.
Jared just nodded, didn’t trust his voice at first. "I’m going to bed," he told Jensen, not knowing what else he could do or should do with him around. He made his way upstairs, was enthusiastically greeted by Harley and Sadie and shut the door of his room. This was going to be a long night.
***
An hour later and it was like his feet were walking without his permission and Jared found himself in the living room in front of the tree on his knees.
The envelope was lying there. He just had to reach out for it, open it and then he would know the truth. Just one movement and all this would be over. He would have his answer and whatever the answer was, he could finally face the facts than just trying to deal with the what-ifs and maybes.
"Don’t open it."
Jared jumped at the quiet, pleading words and turned around to find Jensen standing on the other side of the room, watching him.
There was no need for a further exchange of words between them. Jared could see everything Jensen didn’t want to say right there on his face.
One more night of not knowing. One more night of having a chance.
He could see the want on his face, a want that got deeper than just touching, just sex. And Jared knew right then, that it was taking all of Jensen’s strength to withstand the need to just give in and take it. It was true, what Jared had told Jensen that one night. He had never felt so loved before in his life. And that alone seemed suddenly worth all this.
Jared nodded slowly, got up from his knees, and moved towards the other man. With every step, a deep calmness settled over him, like the final pieces of the puzzle had found their right place.
It was the same calmness people felt when they knew they were dying, knew that there was nothing they could do to fight the inevitable. Jared was aware of the strong, macabre image he was comparing this to, but it was still the truth.
Jared would always love Jensen and Jensen would always love him and there was just no point in fighting these feelings.
They would have to fight to act on them, but the feelings would still be there, strong and immovable and they simply had to learn to live with them.
In one sure motion, Jared closed the distance to his friend, cupped his cheeks with both hands and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.
It didn’t last long, Jared drew back right after a few seconds and Jensen was swaying a little towards him, unconscously seeking more.
"I don’t care what’s in that envelope," he whispered. "You’re right. You’re right and I’m not taking the chance of hurting our families. But I just don’t care what’s in that envelope."
"I hope you can forgive me that," he added, brushing his lips against Jensen’s one more time and then he made a step back and looked down on his friend’s face. His eyes were closed and it was a sting to his heart how he could now, when it was already too late, see everything that Jensen was, his whole ... beauty ... not just some random dude who happened to be his buddy.
One more look at Jensen and then Jared turned around and walked up the steps to his room. It was time to put some distance between them, time to collect some strength to face the things the next day would bring.
Jared had almost reached his own room, when he looked through the door of Jensen’s guest room and spotted both his dogs lying on Jensen’s bed.
He couldn’t help but laugh out loud and it felt almost good and almost liberating. He made two steps into the room and the dogs looked up and Jared would swear he could find guilt in their eyes.
"Get down from the bed," he told them in a low voice but he was sure Harley and Sadie could hear the smile behind the words, "If Jensen finds you here, he’ll get mad."
The dogs didn’t seem too impressed and Jared got closer, about to shove them down as gently as he could when he heard steps in the hallway.
"Harley, Sadie, out." Jensen’s voice wasn’t harsh but determined and both dogs didn’t hesitate and got right up and off the bed, trotting out of the room.
"Jen?" Jared faced his friend but didn’t have any clue about what he saw.
Jensen had closed the door after the dogs left the room and then, without looking away from Jared, he blindly reached for the lock and turned it.
Jared sucked in a deep breath and his heart sped up, beating so loud he was sure Jensen could hear it too. But his mind couldn’t catch up with what his body obviously already knew.
"Jen?" Jared asked again while he watched Jensen walk up to his bag, rummaging around it until he found something and then he turned around and the next thing Jared could process were Jensen’s lips on his and this ...
... was something totally different.
This was nothing like the gentle kisses they’ve shared before, not even like the heated kiss in the kitchen the other day. This was Jensen kissing him and holymotherofgod that was something entirely different.
Jensen licked his way into Jared’s mouth, careful but unyielding, humming low in his throat and Jared could just let himself get lost in the sensation.
They weren’t touching at all except for their tongues stroking each other, and for their teeth, biting on each others lips, and then Jensen pulled back and looked up at Jared, eyes blown wide already, Jared couldn’t do anything but moan at the sight.
"God, I didn’t know you could do this," Jared said, sucking in short, fasts breaths.
Jensen took a few steps back, looking dizzy and confused, his hands in fists, but not like he was angry, more like he was holding something in them.
"Stop," Jared told his friend and then, when it looked like Jensen was about to leave the room, he shouted, "Damn it, Jen, stop!"
Jensen did stop and looked at Jared with huge dark eyes and Jared only wanted him to come back and kiss him like that again.
"What’s in your hands?" he asked instead of doing anything.
Jensen hesitated a long, silent moment before he opened his hands and showed Jared.
"Holy shit," Jared’s knees got weak at what he saw and the implication these things held, and he couldn’t do anything but sit down on the edge of his bed and stare up at Jensen, his mouth suddenly dry.
Mike’s presents. A bottle of lube and a condom. Jensen wanted them to ... Holy Shit.
"And now you’ve changed your mind?" Jared’s voice had dropped an octave and felt scratchy in his own throat.
"No," Jensen croaked, his own voice wrecked and dark. The dirty note to the word did crazy things to Jared’s insides.
"I just realized that there’s no going back if we do this. This is crossing a line, a huge, huge line and we can’t take that back. And we only may have this once. I’m not sure if I can add this to all the things you want from me and I’m not able to give you."
This was crazy. They were talking about having sex in a guest room in his parent’s house while their families were at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. This was all sorts of crazy but Jared had only one answer.
"You don’t get to make my decisions for me, Jen," he said, gently and with a small smile on his face. Then he leaned back on the bed and smirked at his friend. "Come here," he whispered.
He could see Jensen blink, his eyes heated and his chest heaving but then something seemed to shift, like the final decision had been made, and Jensen was taking two long steps to Jared. The supplies were thrown onto the bed, one hand curled into Jared’s shirt, the other into his hair and Jensen’s lips were on his, all at the same time, and everything was were it belonged.
Jared moaned in his friend’s mouth and encouraged him to get closer. Letting himself fall back on the bed, Jensen had no other choice but to place his knees on either side of Jared’s hips and crawl over him.
They made out like horny teenagers, kissing, licking and biting at each other, their hands roaming over their bodies; or maybe it just felt like that for Jared because it was all new for him. That warm, strong weight on him; sure, strong hands handling him and moving him in all the right directions; Jared didn’t know how he could have lived without knowing that he wanted this.
It was when Jensen’s hand vanished under Jared’s shirt that Jared realized they were really doing this.
Jensen must have noticed the slight hesitation in Jared’s movements because he stilled and looked up at Jared. "You want to stop? Just say it, Jay," he said, his voice gravelly and Jared shivered just from the sound of it.
"No," he breathed his answer. "Don’t you stop. It’s just ... I have really no idea what to do here, man," he admitted, not ashamed, because it was still them and there was just no way he could feel ashamed with Jensen.
"Whatever you want," Jensen answered him and broke the eyecontact when he crawled a little down the bed. "Let me take care of the rest."
Jared let his head fall back and his eyes fall close. He could feel Jensen’s hand tugging up his shirt while his own hand was softly caressing through Jensen’s hair. "Sounds like a pla... ohmyGOD!"
Jared almost bucked off the bed as he felt Jensen lips on his stomach, trailing kisses all along the waistband of his pants and around his navel, now and then biting gently down, and Jared’s cock went from hard to rock-hard in an instant.
"You like that?" Jensen asked innocently, still nibbling on the thin, sensative skin just above his groin.
"You have no idea."
"Oh, I think I have."
Jared tried to lift his head up so he could see Jensen and found a mischievious grin on his friend’s face right before Jensen went back down and mouthed along the outline of his dick through his pants. Jared groaned loudly but Jensen held him with one hand on his hip this time to prevent him from kicking both of them off the bed.
"Jesus!" Jared moaned when he got back some air into his lungs and Jensen was crawling up his body again, somehow managing to get Jared and himself out of their shirts along the way.
Jensen shot him smug grin, laced with layers of lust and need and love before he started attacking Jared’s neck with open-mouthed kisses again, but there was no bite to his look, no hidden pain this time, and the way he was slowly grinding down on Jared, his dick just as hard as his, made Jared bolt and he flipped them around.
His breath got caught in his throat when he looked down, looked at Jensen lying under him, shirtless, with miles and miles of golden, perfect skin and a smile on his face, open and real and deep, like he was truly and unmistakably happy; and it was breaking Jared’s heart.
"God, you’re so fucking beautiful," Jared told him with a shaky breath.
"That’s sweet, Jay," Jensen chuckled, but his eyes spoke of pure lust and love and it was the best mix ever, "And I would love to tell you you could do with me whatever you wanted. But we’ve got no time and I need you the other way around."
"Okay." Jared sucked in a shaky breath, nervous this time, but he let himself be handled back in their previous position, with him lying on his back and Jensen resting between his thighs.
"Am I ... . Are you gonna ... you know ... me?" Jared couldn’t quite believe that he was too nervous to speak the words out loud but Jensen had reduced him to a stammering, shivering mess within minutes and maybe he shouldn’t be too hard on himself.
"No, Jay," Jensen breathed his answer over Jared’s navel, already tugging on Jared’s pants this time and Jared had to surpress a sound that was dangerously close to a girly whimper, when Jensen’s breath ghosted over his now free cock.
"You’re gonna fuck me."
"God, Jen, you’re killing me here," was about the last coherent sentence Jared said for a long time.
Jensen didn’t take any pity on him. He trailed kisses along Jared’s thighs, licking around his cock right down to his balls. After several minutes of totally ignoring Jared’s dick, Jared was ready to beg for it.
"Shh, Jay, I’ll get you there," Jensen chuckled low in his throat and Jared couldn’t remember if he had actually said something or if just a string of needy sounds had left his mouth. He didn’t care either way, because then Jensen’s lips were on his cock, around it, and all the blood must had left his brain because his mind had shut down completely.
The next time Jared looked up through a daze of almost unbearable need and pleasure, he noticed that he was naked now and Jensen was naked too, one hand was rubbing little circles on the inside of Jared’s thigh. Jensen’s other hand was out of sight, drawn behind his back and Jared suddenly realized what Jensen was doing, that he was using his fingers to make himself ready. For Jared.
With one or two brain cells left, he felt a little disappointed that he had missed Jensen undressing himself, but then again with Jensen blowing him, he would have missed it if Eric had come in and started painting the walls pink.
But then Jensen stopped and Jared couldn’t prevent the whimpering sound that left his throat.
Coming back to his senses a little, he watched in amazement as his friend climbed on him, his cock hard against his belly, leaking precum, and Jared wanted to pull Jensen closer, so close he could taste the head of his cock, could swirl his own tongue around it, but then he was mesmerized by the hand that was rolling a condom down his own dick and Jared snapped back into the moment.
"I don’t wanna hurt you," he told Jensen, panting, arousal rich in his voice.
"You won’t," Jensen assured him. "Just don’t move until I tell you to."
Jared could only nod, his eyes never leaving Jensen’s face as his friend started to position himself over Jared, and then slowly sinking down on him.
"Oh God, ohfuckfuck." Jared’s hands were curled into the sheets beneeth him and he needed all his willpower to keep himself still, not to rock up into the tight heat that was slowly surrounding him and then Jensen groaned and Jared could not only hear the sound but felt it vibrating around his dick and another string of broken curses rolled off his tongue.
"Jesus Christ," Jensen moaned above him and the sight was the hottest thing Jared had ever seen. "You’re fucking big, man."
Then, Jensen was seated fully on him, Jared’s cock, balls deep in his body, and Jared would never forget that feeling, didn’t even dare to compare that to any other person he ever had sex with. This was Jensen. This was his Jensen giving this to him.
"God," Jared moaned, his hands reaching out unconsciously, but Jensen grabbed them with his, held them tight.
"Okay, okay, you can move," he started after awhile, seconds or minutes later, Jared couldn’t tell, but it was like his body had been waiting for that signal and he was thrusting up slowly, carefully, before he even registered what Jensen had said.
Both men moaned in time, already lost in their rhythm of flesh against flesh. Jared lifted himself up, shifted into a sitting position and as soon as he could reach, his tongue was lavishing Jensen’s skin with open-mouthed kisses, starting with his nipples, over his collarbone up to his neck.
Then he had Jensen fully in his lap, Jared thrusting up, Jensen riding him and their mouths had found each other again, like it had been the last missing piece and both men forgot everything around them.
They were in and around each other, entangled so tight, no one could have told where one ended and the other began. Jensen’s hands buried in Jared’s hair, Jared’s hands around Jensen’s ass, both lost in a mix of kisses, thrusts, licks and harsh breaths.
"Fuck, Jen, fuck," Jared cursed, not really conscious of what he was saying in between breaths and devouring Jensen’s mouth.
"Anything you wanna tell me, Jay?" Jensen smirked, trying for cocky, but his voice was too strung out to sound convincing.
Using his height and strength on Jensen, he flipped them around again, Jensen lying on his back then, Jared over him, Jensen’s knees over his shoulder and the new angle had suddenly changed something, because this time it was Jensen who was cursing and shivering and bucking off the bed.
"Jared, again, come on, please," Jensen panted and his fingernails all but clawed into Jared’s biceps, trying to pull him closer, get him deeper, to hit that sweet spot inside him again.
Jared was lost. There was no trace of anything else left, just him and Jensen, right there and then, losing their rhythm with every desperate thrust, clinging to each other like their lives depended on it and their lips always found each other again. Like it always came back to one kiss.
"Oh, my ... !" Jared could feel his orgasm building, could already feel the tingling in his toes all the way up to his fingertips.
"Fuck, Jay, God!" Jensen groaned in response, their lips inches away from each other, both men too far gone to kiss properly, but trying it anyway.
It was when he felt Jensen fall apart underneath him, a shaking, withering mess; how he threw his head back and screamed Jared’s name in a hoarse cry and how he came between their bodies, making everything even more slick, more dirty and how he clenched around Jared’s cock, making the grip impossibly tighter; that Jared shot right over the edge, shooting his own release into the condom right inside Jensen’s body.
They were shivering and shaking, trading sloppy wet kisses and still connected, still one, when the violent bang of a car door being slammed shut ripped them back into reality.
They both gasped in time, both fought back a sob and tears and all the pain that was so low under the surface now.
"You gotta go," Jensen said with a broken voice, hoarse from sex and pain, his eyes not leaving Jared’s.
Jared just nodded, didn’t trust his voice just yet and Jensen hissed between his teeth when Jared pulled out, got up, got out of bed and searched for his clothes in a hurry.
They could hear their families downstairs. Could hear them in the driveway in the yard talking to each other.
Jared looked down on Jensen, on his friend and lover lying naked and still breathing hard on the bed and Jared wanted to scream about all the torture they had to go through.
Already hearing the front door being opened, Jared gave in one last time, climbed up that bed, up Jensen and sealed his lips with one last kiss, putting everything in it he had, all his love, all his desperation, his whole life.
He broke the kiss, hovering inches above Jensen’s face, whose eyes told him he wasn’t alone in this, at least. Not alone.
"I love you so goddamn much, don’t you ever forget that," Jared whispered into Jensen’s lips and then, with the last bit of strength that was left in him, he got up again, pressed the bundle of clothers against him, and fled the room, hiding in his own, before his family could notice anything.
He knew that they had changed everything. That he hadn’t gotten out of this room completely. That he had ripped a part out of Jensen and taken it with him. And that half of him had been left behind in there.
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