harumph.  got caught in the throws of panic from a dissociative episode this evening.  it's been awhile since it has induced panic. threw me off guard. 20 minutes of sentence repeating and focusing calmed me down luckily.  i had some grave concern that it might have been something different this time around. (hypochondria, anyone?)  oooooh look at ( Read more... )

i am awash with insecurities, uncertainty, and a heart that hangs heavy with emotion. connect here. disconnect there. the wiring is all faulty. it didn't use to be this hard, did it? underbellies exposed to each other's  pointy defenses.  armor goes up, armor falls back down... and all at the exact wrong moments ( Read more... )

welcome to the beginning of week 4 ( Read more... )

putting up more walls. feeling left out and abandoned. i suppose it's time to move on. 

shut all the doors
close all the shades
there is no getting in today
this time you can not stay

it's the same old story
that you just can't grasp
i'm tired of concessions
drawing lines in the sand

close up shop and bankrupt my heart
give up on resolutions
and stop waiting for a someday that never comes

move. slowly. at my own pace. pick a pace, any is ok ( Read more... )

holding the world back
by more than just arm's length
choosing my moments
perhaps not so wisely
falling into and opening
only to those who will keep me
just out of reach
at arm's length

holding these cards so
close to my chest
i forget what i have
this time i may
choose to fold

so here it goes again. another turn of the page, another spin of the wheel. waiting for the next part to be better, different from the last. flip flip flip. it's the choose your own adventure book when you realize you've read through almost all of the options. click click click. it's the sound of the roulette wheel spinning 'round. the book seems ( Read more... )

i really think i'm just depressed.  perhaps with a better handle on it than i've had previously, but, man... i keep coming back to this hole that i keep digging.  i'm not exactly sure how to break the pattern.  i can't really afford any kind of therapy.  drugs never really worked to help me find any kind of an even keel.  if anything they just made ( Read more... )