even if you believe in god you should live your life like there isn't one.

at this moment
i may not be testing the limits of a track car
and i am not getting laid
but
i am swaddled in the fluffy robe my mother bought me.

i have fished a work wine key out of an apron because i cannot find my favorite one. i know it is not lost permanently i just am unable to locate it now. my darling was kind and i find the bottle i bought the other day in the refrigerator where i asked her to put it when i called home from work three hours ago. the plan was that it be in the fridge ( Read more... )

this is the winning scratch ticket for sure this time, wow the car usb chargers are $15 US here?! convenience store not bargain store, right? is that my order? no, its the wrong number and its flat. my food will (in theory) be less flat than that. wait. what is that on the stereo... oh no. QUICKLY SHEETZ CLERK! FINISH CONSTRUCTING MY NASTY ( Read more... )

little bunny foo foo hopping thru the forest ( Read more... )

to the tune of fall out boy's 'sugar, we're going down':

i go downtown and i hang around
at the convenience store gas station
where i'm not the only one w/ a mullet
i get parts for my camaro at the local u-pull-it
to the tune of gaga's 'bad romance' from the perspective of my overweight cat ( Read more... )

has had blackheads on it since i was 13
i was told and believed they would go away as i got older
they hav-ent

at first i thought they may be bats ( Read more... )

"hello, welcome to the pub. my name is steaksandwich mcdogfucker and i'll be your server tonight. our soups today are spiced rabbit cum and eel foreskin bisque. ah! i see by your ugly baby you qualify for our ugly baby discount. because your baby's ugly.
now what can i get you to drink while you're deciding?"

an overheard conversation 'tween two (2) of my cowerkers went something like this:

annoying vapid princess A: i got my wedding photos the other day and she (the friend who was the photographer) was terrible. like there was only one picture of the cake!

annoying vapid princess B: oh my god. i would have been livid ( Read more... )