Jackpot, Tie Breaker

[gildedage]

The first time it happened, it terrified her. She’d been standing in front of the mirror after her shower, trying to see herself in the steamed over glass. Instead, she saw him, with straw colored hair and gray green eyes, gangly as a teenager could get where her reflection should have been.

Comments

ConCrit!

[gildedage]

This piece is actually longer than what I usually write, but any constructive criticism you have would be appreciated.

Re: ConCrit!

[gildedage]

Thanks! Sorry I didn't reply earlier. The Kelsey bit is less realistic, I agree. If I go back to this, I'd work on that more.

Re: ConCrit!

[blueashke]

I really enjoyed this piece from you! A bit stronger of a break between perspectives (either consistent paragraph breaks, or a star or something) would be my only criticism.

I could see this working as a longer piece, but it also works how it is, letting the reader decide what comes next, what the significance of when/where/why/how they connected is, etc.

Good job!

[pachakuti]

I want to point out that I read the little bit before the cut, reading my flist as the final thing I'm doing before I go to bed, and hadn't planned to click the link right away... but read the actual starting sentences and decided to read to the end. Your first paragraph is a good hook!

The shift between the two of them is occasionally a little jarring and not very smooth for the reader... but this also kind of works with the story you're telling, so I acknowledge it's a hideously nit-picky point.

There are a whole lot of commas goin' on in this short story... I'm not sure all of them are necessary, and sometimes the "breath" the comma has my brain doing disrupts the flow of the sentences or descriptions you're working with.

I feel like I don't think this would work as a super short story? I like it and I would like to see it lengthened, actually, a little bit; keeping the pacing you have now, because your pacing is great, but elaborating a little more on their lives and the reality of time passing... the passage of time is very

[gildedage]

Commas are actually good thing to remember- I tend to write as I speak, so every time I stop and think, I put in a comma. <--- But it can be jarring and very stop and go! People have said that before and I'll put that on my remember to proof list.

I've been thinking about going back and lengthening other stories I've done, because I feel like there's more there, but I've been trying to keep it to a page single spaced for Idol. This could be one to go back to!

I debated putting in 'four years later' for the time jumps, but left them out, and tried to make it clear where they were in time in the first sentence- but for such a shorter story, it might have been better to slip them in. Also, I like the ambiguity of Auggie seeing her in the mirror while he's in the hospital. But, in hindsight, time change titles would have made it flow better!

Thanks for your comments! They were super helpful!

[dawnstar4idol]

I second the bit about this story just pulling you in. I almost never read Idol fiction, but I couldn't help it!

[gildedage]

Thanks! I write mostly fiction, which gets debated a lot because it's not truly a *journal* entry, and I'm glad I pulled you in. I have an Aunt that always said that if the first line doesn't make you want to read more, then don't.

[theafaye]

What I liked about this was the fact that they turned out to be in the same time stream in the same place and not an alternate time/universe situation. That, for me, was the pay off.

However, I'm not sure that I agree that this would work as a longer piece, purely because too long and you run the risk of becoming too similar to stories like The Lake House. Right now, it stands alone as its own piece. I'm not so sure that this would be true if you expanded it.

Your competition is going to have a tough job for the tie breaker.

[gildedage]

I think I might like to expand it, just a bit. I was really inspired by, of all things, this week's People magazine. They had this article about a plastic surgeon in a VA hospital that repairs soldiers' faces who have been hurt or 'mangled' in IED explosions. There was something really jarring about their before and after shots, and how grateful they are to look more normal than before. I think that would be and interesting thing to explore.

And yes, to the alternate universe/time period. Yeah. I was debating making it two girls to look at different periods of women, but that's been done before and probably done better by other people.

Thanks for your comments! This has been the first time since highschool that I had concrit done for a piece of fiction! They were very helpful!

[hosticle_fifer]

This was cute, I liked it! A little bit twilight zone. You definitely caught me and kept me reading.

I'm not certain if it would benefit from further fleshing out of the paranormal connection that drives the story - even a thread of detail or explanation - or if it's better left as a macguffin.

I think the answer would lie in whether further detail would add to the story. Like if the reason the mirror events happen come back around into a great twist or punch, then it would be worth doing. It would, of course, then become the focus of the story, which may not be what you wanted.

The only suggestion I would make on the writing aspect is to echo what someone said above - there were a couple of points where I read half a paragraph from the wrong character's perspective, and had to shift gears and back up a bit when I realized. Just a slightly more obvious flag when the narrative changes would clear that straight up.

Great job!

[gildedage]

Thanks! These are helpful things to know- especially the flagging. I liked telling the story from different persepectives, so I'll make sure to have definite switches and flags. I tried to start stuff with 'he' or 'she', but the switches get fast and furious sometimes.

[gildedage]

No idea! I just wanted to do an entry where a mirror acts like a window, and where one of the characters was/is a veteran.