My Truth

[gillo]

Or my perception of events. But it’s true for me.

Life this year has had highs and deep lows. I’m writing this to try to set some of it in context, mostly for myself.

Comments

[slaymesoftly]

Well, fewer kerfuffles in fandom is a good thing, but they are no less upsetting when they happen. I'm so sorry this happened to you, the whole thing sounds ridiculous - including the initial dust up over the Queen's death. I almost feel like this might be a generational thing. I often sense a disconnect between some of the newer and/or younger members of fandom and myself. Based on past experience, a perhaps less fraught view of issues, and not being willing or interested in becoming involved in discussions with people I don't actually know about things we see differently. I find myself sitting on my fingers, or deleting responses before clicking "post" fairly often. Again, based on past experiences, my view of the new archive and reasons for it was a bit skewed.... (although I agreed that the abrupt removal of the fic in question was both undeserved and much too dictatorial). While I do sometimes miss the days of LJ and the communities there, I don't miss the kerfuffles

[gillo]

I almost feel like this might be a generational thing.

Possibly - though that really only applies to the original Twitter spat, when a clearly rather silly young girl described the Queen as "a crusty old bitch" - phrasing that really hit me harder than I would have thought it could. The whole SAD implosion is different, and two months down the track it feels to me more deliberate and cold-hearted than at the time, though their repeated assurances that they "really do" care about my well-being still make my teeth grind.

I still wake up most days with brain circling round and round about it. I wish I could make it stop. Thank you for being so supportive - sorry about the delay in responding - on bad days this last couple of weeks I haven't even felt capable of opening the laptop, let alone going over this stuff again. <3

[slaymesoftly]

Well, I was definitely addressing the twitter person, but I believe many of the mods are also younger (perhaps much younger, in my case), and react to things differently. However, it's got to be grating to hear how much they care about you when nothing they've done has given you reason to believe that.

[gillo]

In their 30s, I believe, at least in the case of two of them whom I consider most likely to have been the leaders in this. Old enough to know better, you might say, especially when it comes to what one private message to me described as "weaponising your mental health against you".

I'll get over it. And they have finally refunded the costs of the site to the other person and she has forwarded me my share. PayPal has made a significant profit from us!

Sending virtual hugs and love

[pfeifferpack]

I am so sorry especially that you are distraught over the events you encountered. I understand fully that it is NOT a small thing emotionally. So much that occurred with the pre-new site situation (aka EF) was not and WILL not ever be discussed by me as there was far more than was "publicly" put out and we preferred not to make things worse with discussing many factors behind a whole slew of choices that happened. Sad to say, you got a taste of how the "behind the scenes" can work. Distressing doesn't begin to cover it

[speakr2customrs]

I have deleted all my fics from the site; I only posted them there as a favour to you and without you they can't have my fics. In fact they can get stuffed.

[gillo]

I can't express how grateful I am to you, Paul. I really wanted your fics to reach a wider audience, so in one sense I'm sorry you deleted them, but the nasty part of me is pleased. This probably demonstrates their view of me was correct? Dunno, but thank you again.

[sartorresartus]

I’m so upset on your behalf. I’ve had the same (kind of) thing happen to me, and I entirely understand how devastated (hate that word, but I think it’s correct here) you are feeling

[gillo]

I've been told: "I've read your LJ post a while ago now. I think, quite expectedly, it's very inaacurate. I'm not going to dissect anything because it's all been said, and nothing can be gained going over it again. I understand that you need to see this a certain way to deal and to that end, I'm not going to comment. I wish you'd been able to see the other side of this because honestly, all of us have been traumatised by this.".

So it's all my fault for not seeing things correctly. And the above account is "inaccurate". You can probably guess how calming I found this response - from the person in the Antipodes who also left the group. So presumably the account on the SAD site is fair and accurate?

Moving through the Kubler-Ross stages to sheer anger now. But that person has been paid in full, so at least I need no longer consider her exploited, merely an accessory.

Thanks for your care and support, love. It means a lot.

So sorry

[xrseyre]

I haven't touched LJ in years, but sartorresartus told me of your post, and I've read it (in full) - and I am SO sorry to hear that.

As you know, I'm no stranger to MH collapses. I'd be very glad to have a chat.

It's probably not useful, but you can do without this group. I know only too well that losing a group of acquaintances which has been a significant part of your life is traumatic - I'm coming to terms at the moment with the fact that various groups I've been part of are no more, and am feeling rudderless as a result.

Re: So sorry

[gillo]

Thank you, love. We are going with Mary P* to meet James Hargrave in about an hour, but I might give you a ring tomorrow. I enjoyed chatting to Nel on Sunday and was glad to hear your health has improved somewhat. Long my that continue!

* Dave P has the same lurgy that my Dave had over Christmas and that all of the Othen-Waleses seem to have had. Not covid, but nasty. Take care of yourself.

The loss of groups to which one has given a lot of time is always disorienting. In this instance I had a significant emotional investment too, which made it more of a challenge. But I will get there in due course.