I hate telling people I'm feeling depressed. Friends and family, anyway. Their reactions always suck. I fucking bombed my math midterm today and got rejected from the CS major. I think those are reasonable things to feel shitty about, but when I tell my parents they put me on fucking suicide watch. When I tell my friends that I'm feeling pretty ( Read more... )

I went to sleep ridiculously early last night, and here I am wide awake before six AM. Well maybe wide awake is a bit of an overstatement. Too awake to go back to sleep, then. I had weird dreams last night of a type that I don't think I should share in this journal. I mean I don't expect anyone I know to ever read this, but it is possible that they ( Read more... )

Whenever I listen to the soundtracks of Miyazaki movies I get all emotional in a way that sort of surprises me. Other than Totoro and Nausicaa, I didn't see any of those movies until I was middle school aged, and yet Joe Hisaishi's music makes me nostalgic and weepy in a way that you would usually expect from songs your mother sang to you as an ( Read more... )

I need to force myself to write with some regularity just to get readjusted to writing. Writing papers for classes in the past couple of years has been like pulling teeth. With a wrench. Like, seriously every individual word I write for some papers has to be dredged up from the bottom of the fucking ocean ( Read more... )

I don't know why I enjoy putting together playlists so much. Every month or so I will spend several hours trying to put together a list of songs that fit some theme in my head. I used to be obsessive about it, actually. I'd spend days trying to find songs with a particular quality like especially drone-y guitar or something. Then once I'd found a ( Read more... )

The whole god damn internet has changed since last time I wrote in this thing regularly. I don't like it. Everything has gone and changed and left me beind. I miss time before social networks really took over when the web still had a slightly untame feeling to it ( Read more... )

I think at some point I made the decision to be interested in computer science because I knew that attempting to write would be the death of me. I feel that there really are stories worth telling bouncing around in my head somewhere, but the process of extracting those stories and putting them down on paper would destroy me utterly before I ever ( Read more... )

I woke up at five in the morning because I had a dream in which my friends told me that I was wrong about everything I have ever done and they hated me for it. That was unpleasant. I don't know why I'm so paranoid about people I have called friends for the better part of a decade. I think it all comes back to middle school in a way. I can only ( Read more... )

There were a couple of hours there where I was horrified and disgusted by the notion that I haven't had an original thought in years and everything since then has been a revisiting of some knowledge I gained years ago and have expressed to other people far better in the past. Part of it comes down to the fact that I am very nearly a hermit. If I ( Read more... )

I feel like, right now, I can't sleep because there's too much hating internet people to do. Fuck everything about people on the internet. I've reached a point where I frequently can't tell if people are real or if they're just spambots and it depresses me. Also I've been thinking about how American culture seems like it's caught in this crazy ( Read more... )