Eh?

[glockgal]

I'm Sorry
I've felt there are two categories of 'I'm sorry' which many people (including me!) have used:

TYPE 1: the true apology, where the apologist is genuinely interested in changing their actions and/or perspectives. They are generally willing to listen, to learn, to progress, to practice further conscientious behaviour.

TYPE 2: the false

Comments

[furiosity]

I don't know that I've encountered other types of apologies, precisely -- thing is, I hate that "I'm sorry" can be both an apology and an expression of sympathy (or condescending pity, which can even turn "I'm sorry" into an insult). It adds so much ambiguity to situations, like -- you know I was in a collision last Wednesday, and if I ever saw the woman who caused it again, I would say to her that I was sorry she got hurt in the accident, because I really feel terrible for her. But this would not be an apology because I didn't do anything wrong and I took every humanly possible measure to avoid a collision (whereas she did not; she was gunning to make the turn instead of braking, it turns out D:). But I am still sorry that she got hurt, even though I am not the least bit apologetic (nor do I feel I ought to be, in this case

[glockgal]

Oh yes - the condolence apology is one used a lot. I don't consider it false either, because it's more using the words 'I'm sorry' in a completely different way, like. It's as if the English language doesn't have enough 'colloquial' structures to differentiate between 'I was wrong, I'm sorry' and 'I sympathise, I'm sorry'. Saying things like 'my condolences' or 'my sympathies' can sound at best like what a person would say at a funeral; at worst, it can sound patronizing.

Good point about the online differentiation. It's sort of a sub-set of Type 2 - it's false in that the person has no real intention of learning or empathising. It's very much...imperialistic, like. 'Oh you poor savages who struggle so hard, but oooh aren't you just noble for trying! Not that I care about why you're struggling. So yeah, good luck with that kbai!'

[ashkitty]

I don't mind at all that the language is used this way--it's just how it is, isn't it? But I do get a little frustrated when dealing with people who don't seem to recognise the difference and insist on saying 'oh, it's not your fault' at every 'sorry' whether it's appropriate or not. Obviously it's not my fault a seagull stole your sandwich (or whatever misfortune occurred)--I'm not taking responsibility, just offering sympathy. :p

Your BFF isn't English, by any chance? Because I've never heard people say 'sorry' so much about every little thing ever! ("You trod on my foot! I'm sorry!") I'm afraid it's starting to rub off a bit, but oh well.

[glockgal]

don't mind at all that the language is used this way--it's just how it is, isn't it?

Having English as my only language, I sometimes do feel frustrated when I see how many nuances other languages have for things (and I have no brain to learn new languages, lol), but this is just a general annoyance. Which, being my mother tongue, I feel qualified to complain about every now and again. :)

dealing with people who don't seem to recognise the difference and insist on saying 'oh, it's not your fault'

Ha, this is interesting, because I've had people do this to me as well, which made me feel annoyed because I was like 'that was a sympathetic sorry, not a blame-me sorry!', but. I've never thought about why someone would feel compulsed to respond that way? Hmmmm thinky thinky!

Your BFF isn't English, by any chance?Nope, BFF immigrated from Russia-via-Israel. Her apologies are founded in personal insecurity; I don't think it's cultural. Although now that she's lived in Canada for nearly 20 years (and us Canadians are famous for our

[gallo_de_pelea]

I used to do this too, but it was my husband (then-boyfriend) who would stop it short with "rargh don't apologize when you have nothing to be sorry for!" Which, while not as efficient and concise as "zap!", had the same effect :)

It took a few years, but that was a big part of stopping the belief that everything wrong is my fault.

[glockgal]

*hee* I started out warning her that every time she would say off-handed (or extremely guarded) apologies, I'd point it out. But I also wanted to try and figure out why it annoyed me in the first place, particularly if I understood why she was doing it, y'know? I wanted to explain to her how it felt from my side, instead of just giving her yet another reason to feel bad about herself (ie, constantly apologizing) and further into her depression. It's awesome that, with the help of your buddies, you were able to see the pattern on your own!

You're sorry? For WHAT? That it's raining?

AHAHAH this is, I find, very Canadian as well. In a similar vein - Someone will push me in a crowd and I'll immediately say "I'm sorry!" as if I should be apologetic for, um, being there. I'm trying to stop the instinctive 'don't wanna rock the boat' style of apologies, myself

[glockgal]

But that means you are sorry you did X BECAUSE it hurt them, rather than being sorry that you did X.

I think excusing Type 2 really depends on what X is. In situations where the Offended is trying to demonstrate a point/thought/concept/idea/opinion and apologist uses Type 2, it only serves to frustrate the Offended because it's like' The Offended isn't looking for your pity (or your pity-party), they are looking for understanding, or at least a willingness to understand.

However, I can see situations where Type 2 apologies can be done in a 'for your own good'...like. A very mild example: a parent making a child do their homework even if the kid doesn't want to. The parent can feel bad for the child's agony over fractions, but not sorry for making them do their homework.

Or something? Is that what you're getting at?

though they may have only realized they ought not to do X upon seeing how it hurt someoneWhich, imo, is one of the best ways to learn. We need people pointing out that 'hey that behaviour might not be appropriate',

[ashkitty]

I think I know what you mean about those Type 2s, and if it's what I'm thinking of I wasn't really including them in Type 2. Because there is another apology and I considered it a subset of 1, because it's not false. When you say or do something that has unintended consequences, but you really don't think you did something wrong, you can still be genuinely sorry for those consequences

[glockgal]

The host or the other guests feel bad and uncomfortable and the night is basically spoiled. You can be genuinely sorry that it ended up being a bad night without saying or feeling that you were actually in the wrong.

This is a really good example! And definitely one that a lot of people have trouble wrestling with because they can't separate the two emotions - if they 'ruined' the night, then they must have then also been wrong. Which isn't necessarily true, but it takes a lot of personal insight to see the difference and make that call.

[_inbetween_]

I think there are way more and this mainly applies to the racebending issues? I apologise to my cats :/ that would be type 1 but not really.

Tone makes it none of those types but a sneer.

Politeness when bumping someone or intro to asking someone something. I miss my one good linguistics class.

I do type 3 a lot, had to start it this decade whenever I felt I'd spoken too much about myself, ie. failed at shutting up again, so maybe it's a subtype: I'm sorry I'm still me. Not an insecure apology at all.

[glockgal]

Definitely more types! And no, this wasn't specifically related to racebending, actually. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, RIGHT? lol

Tone (irl, because I will never attribute tone online) and absent-minded politeness, for sure.

Out of curiousity - how do you react/feel when people people give you an 'I'm sorry I'm still me' sort of apology?

[_inbetween_]

Heheheh, well, just *currently* I'd say, or lately, and the definitions for 1+2 fitted all the arguments

[glockgal]

Haaaa yeah emoticons can be so passive-aggressive! It's hard to trust them when you're embroiled in a debate, that's for sure.

OMG NOW TYPE 3 IS NOT INSINCERE, GOOD GRACIOUS. I don't think I could call my BFF my BFF if I thought her apologies were insincere. I'd be her enemy. I don't want to be her enemy. Neither do I want her to be a victim to any perceived evil I might have caused her. O.o

[glockgal]

Meeee tooooo. It particularly irritates me when it comes from friends. From strangers - fine, whatever. But if a friend sounds genuine at the moment about being contrite and interested in learning and how to progress and then two weeks later does a repeat performance of their mistake and then rushes a flood of apologies yet again, I get suspect. Fool me once, etc. I have a strong aversion to dishonesty, even if it's subconscious or 'not intended'.