holiday from real - part II
Title: Holiday From Real
Author: gluckspirat
Artist: loverstar
Fandom: CW RPF
Genre: Slash, AU.
Pairing: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The following story is fiction and it never happened. I don't know nor own the characters.
Word count: 39,975
Summary: Jared's life finally seems to be on track: he's living with his friend Chad, studying what he loves, and now that he's working for his mother, he can afford both things. Even the introduction of Jensen Ackles to the picture doesn't appear to shake things up much - he's charming and hot and funny, and Jared feels an instant attraction, but it's just another crush on a straight guy and Jared's positive he'll get over it. That is, until Jensen starts flirting back and sending Jared mixed signs - which would be great, really, if it wasn't for the tiny little fact that Jensen's getting married, and that he's chosen Jared's mom's catering business to serve at his wedding.
"Picture this." Jensen holds the phone between his head and his left shoulder as he rummages through the fridge looking for some ketchup. "You want to do something, which you know you shouldn't do."
"That sounds familiar," Misha's voice drifts from the other side of the line. "I remember this one time when I-"
"No, no, stay focused, this isn't about you."
"But you said 'you'," Misha points out, and then without giving Jensen any time to answer, he asks, "So is this about you, then?"
"Er, no." Jensen takes the phone back in his hand and goes to finish preparing his sandwich. "This isn't about anyone in particular."
"If it isn't about anyone, then it's about everyone. So it is about me."
That doesn't even make any sense, and Jensen closes his eyes for a second and lets out a long breath through his nose. "No. Dude, let's just say this is about some guy. Jerry."
"How original. Because Jerry doesn't sound like Jensen at all."
"Fine, not Jerry, let's say Paul." Jensen takes a bite of his sandwich, chews, then goes on. "Let's say Paul wants to do something, and he knows he shouldn't do it."
"Why?"
"Because it's wrong."
"Why?"
Jensen sighs. "Because it is. Misha." His friend's name leaves his mouth in a pleading tone, and he hears the other sigh.
"Okay. I was just asking to try to make your example more easy to relate to so I could give better advice, but forget it. Go on."
"Yeah, so Jerry--"
"Paul."
"Paul knows he shouldn't do it, but he really really wants to. And he believes that, if he does this, nobody will ever have to find out what's going on."
"I insist that knowing what it is would make this easier."
Jensen ignores him. "A part of him tries to convince himself that the consequences of it wouldn't be so bad, but he knows that if he does it, it'll unchain a whole load of shit he doesn't really want to deal with."
"Because he's a coward."
"No, he's - wait, what?"
Misha lets out a chuckle that surprises Jensen. "He's a coward. He doesn't have the balls to resist against doing something he knows is wrong, and if he does it, he doesn't want to deal with the results. He's a motherfucking coward, that's what."
"Oh." Jensen frowns slightly. "Well, I suppose you could say that. But... maybe Paul doesn't have a choice."
"Of course he does. We always do." Misha says. "You just said it, he wants to do it, not has to. Would it be so bad not to do it? Or is he just really that selfish and idiotic that he's willing to turn all the knobs that open the shower of shit that will cover everyone around him just to feel good for, what? A couple of hours? A day?"
Jensen feels like he's just been punched in the stomach, and he leaves his sandwich to a side, not hungry anymore. "Perhaps it goes beyond the idea of just feeling good."
"Yeah, well," Misha makes a pause, then Jensen can almost hear him shrug, "maybe Paul should care about fixing the things that make it wrong in the first place, so that he can deal with the consequences in a less... shitty way."
"Both options mean dealing with a truckload of shit," Jensen mumbles, and he's not entirely sure he's not making up excuses for himself.
"Then Paul needs to learn that every decision in his life will have results, and those results, whether good or bad or shit, will need to be dealt with. And maybe he should make the decision that involves less people walking out of it hurt."
Jensen swallows around the knot in his throat. "Who said anything about people getting hurt?"
Misha makes an almost unnoticeable pause. "A truckload, Jensen. A truckload of shit falling over you. I'm no expert on shit weight and density, but man, that's got to hurt."
Jensen forces out a laugh. "Yeah. We should, um... stop talking about Paul for today."
"You're right, I don't really like him," Misha says. Jensen hears some rustling in the background, and Jensen is about to say something when his friend cuts him off. "Hey, Jensen?"
The hand that's holding the phone starts shaking slightly, and he wonders for a fleeting second if he's made a mistake in asking Misha about this. He'd spent at least fifteen minutes staring at the phone, asking himself if he should tell someone about the whole Jared deal, and now he's kind of regretting ever calling his friend in the first place. It was probably stupid to assume Misha wouldn't be able to tell Jensen's talking about himself.
"Yeah?"
Another pause. "Did I lend you that book on ants? I can't find it anywhere, I swear someone's out to get me and my books."
An incredible relief flows through Jensen's body, and he throws his head back and smiles at the ceiling. "No, man. You didn't give it to me."
After the conversation with Misha and the guilt that follows it, Jensen spends the entire night awake, turning around restlessly, all the time trying not to disturb Danneel. She's finally relaxed a bit and has started smiling and joking and being nice again instead of snapping at him for not reason, and Jensen thinks it's in part due to the fact that he too is pretending everything's alright, just for the sake of their relationship.
Right now, he doesn't know if he's still going through with this marriage because he's in love with Dani or because he feels it'd be stupid to call everything off when they're so close to doing it. What's more important, he doesn't know when he started doubting his reasons for getting married, or if he even loves his fiancee. He's never been so scared in his entire life.
In a way, Jensen thinks it's fear alone - plus his sudden longing to see Jared again - what pushes him to do what he does. Knowing that Danneel has an appointment with her dressmaker, he makes up an excuse at his office and drives home early, all the time an insistent weight in his stomach trying to pull him back to reality and sensibility.
Jensen does his best to ignore it. Remembering what Jared had told him, he changes out of his suit and into a pair of jeans and a simple plain button-down on top of a t-shirt, and he even pulls out his boots from the back of the closet, where they'd been for months, unused. He feels nervous in these clothes and he doesn't know why.
His brain keeps coming up with the most ridiculous scenarios, like Jared realizing he doesn't really like Jensen when he's not wearing a suit, or Jared noticing Jensen's trying too hard, and Jensen has to remind himself that he's not even sure Jared likes him to begin with. He's pretty sure he does, if Jared's blushing and general nervousness around him are anything to go by.
But in the end, Jensen's only sure of one thing, and it is that he can no longer deny that he likes Jared way more than he should.
Half an hour later - almost, almost, as if he knew at what time Jared's shift ends - he's standing outside Padalecki Delight, hands in his pockets and sunglasses on, trying to calm down his nerves.
When Jared walks out, he looks both sides with a frown as if he's waiting for someone before his eyes fall on Jensen. It takes him a few seconds to recognize him, and when he finally does, his face flushes and his eyes widen.
"What are you doing here?"
His tone isn't a hundred percent friendly like it's always been, and Jensen is slightly taken aback. He rubs the back of his neck and looks around, trying to buy some time. "I'm, uh. Just hanging out."
"Just hanging out?" Jared repeats amused, and Jensen has to admit that's probably the lamest excuse he's ever come up with. "Seriously, Jensen?"
Seeing a hint of a smile on Jared's lips, Jensen relaxes a bit and he shrugs. "It's just - I'm having a bad day, and you said I could meet your dogs, so..." he trails off with a small grin, and when Jared doesn't say anything, he hastily adds, "If you're busy or anything, or you don't want to, I can leave."
Jared looks as lost as Jensen's ever seen him. He's holding his bag on one shoulder with his right hand, and fidgeting with the hem of his shirt with the other, all while squinting against the sun and staring at a spot over Jensen's shoulder.
"I thought you'd forgotten, you... I told you that two weeks ago." Jared's voice is quiet and Jensen almost has to lean forward to get the last part.
"Yeah, I've been busy with work and everything. But, uh... I'm here now, right?"
Everything meaning my wedding, with my girlfriend, whom I love and doesn't know I'm here, hanging out with you. That's okay with you, though, yeah? The same thought seems to go through both their minds, and when Jared meets his eyes, looking vulnerable and confused, Jensen's suddenly reminded of how young the other is.
"I've got plans," Jared says. "Chad's supposed to pick me up, we're going out."
"Oh." Jensen feels silly for not having considered that possibility. He clears his throat. "No, yeah, that's fine, I just didn't know where you lived, or your number, and I didn't want to call the shop 'cause I don't know if that'd be okay, so..."
"Yeah."
Almost with perfect timing - or awful one, the way Jensen sees it - a beaten up truck pulls up in front of the shop. He can see a blond guy behind the wheel, sunglasses on but his eyes clearly set on him, and Jensen feels slightly uncomfortable under the other's scrutinizing gaze.
"That Chad?" Jensen asks.
Jared waves his hand at the guy inside the truck, who raises his hand in response, eyes still fixed on Jensen. "I should go."
Jensen nods and looks down at his boots, and God, he suddenly feels so stupid, leaving work early and going to Jared's shop all dressed up like that, like assuming Jared would actually put everything aside to hang out with him.
He clears his throat awkwardly. "Alright."
Jared takes a few steps toward him hesitantly. "Sorry, I... if I'd known you'd come, I wouldn't have made plans."
"Yeah, I guess showing up here unannounced wasn't the smartest thing."
Jared smiles at him. "No, probably not. But listen, um... I'm free tomorrow, if you want to come over or whatever."
Jensen's heart picks up at those words and at the sight of Jared's dimples, and he already feels better knowing that Jared's still up for hanging out. Fuck, he's so screwed.
"Sure, I'm free."
"Awesome." Jared smiles shyly at him, and then, as Chad blows his car horn, he winces and ducks his head. "I should really go."
Jensen can't seem to stop smiling, but to be honest, he's not even trying to stop. "Alright. So, should I give you my number so you can text me your address? I mean, so you don't have to come here to meet with me and stuff."
"Yeah, that's... yeah."
So Jared hands him over his phone so that he can enter his number, and Jensen wants to ask for Jared's too, but he can't come up with a good excuse for it, and the next thing he knows, Jared is waving at him and walking over to Chad's truck. His face is still a bit red as he gets in, and he waves at Jensen once more as they drive off.
When Jensen gets back to his house, Danneel isn't there yet, so he has time to change back into his suit to pretend he's just arrived from work, and to try to wipe off the huge grin that has been plastered to his face since he watched Jared leave.
If sending Jensen a text message after lunch to settle a time and confirm he's still free proves to be nerve-wrecking enough, by the time Jared's kicked Chad out of the apartment and has checked there's nothing out of place, he's totally freaking out.
He hasn't come to terms yet with the idea of Jensen being in his apartment and of what it all means, because sure, Jensen obviously has some sort of interest in him, otherwise he wouldn't have showed up to the shop like that. But still, Jared doesn't know if Jensen's intentions are the same as his.
Because if it's friendship what Jensen's looking for - someone he can bitch to about his wife, someone he can ask to be his best man at his wedding - then Jared can't give that to him.
So he tries to look calm and relaxed and like this doesn't really affect him too much. He puts on a pair of jeans and a grey t-shirt, and he doesn't even wear shoes because, hey, he's totally relaxed, and in his own apartment, and there's no need for any. He does pick his fanciest pair of socks, though, and spends a good five minutes smelling them and submitting them to his dogs' judgement to make sure they're clean.
"You're gonna meet Jensen today, you two excited?"
Harley barks and wags his tail excitedly, but Sadie merely glances at him from her spot next to the couch before closing her eyes again. Jam, as usual, is nowhere to be seen.
Jensen shows up only three minutes after four, and he still apologizes for being late.
"I'm sorry, I got a bit lost on my way here." He explains as he walks in. Jared slowly takes him in - the green shirt with the first buttons open that brings out Jensen's eyes, the washed down jeans that wrap perfectly around his ass, the few leather bracelets he has around his left wrist - and he feels his heart miss a beat.
Fuck, Jensen really is perfect.
As if he could read what he's thinking, Jensen smiles gently at him with his cheeks barely flushed before continuing. "I'm not too familiar with this side of Austin, yet, despite the fact that I've lived here-"
He gets cut off by a pair of paws landing on his chest as Harley finally catches up on what's going on. Jared can almost know what he's thinking. New people. New people. New people. Doggy treats? New people.
With a laugh, Jensen pushes Harley off him, and then crouches down to scratch the dog behind his ears. "Hey there, big guy." Harley whines happily and his tail starts thumping on the floor rhythmically. The sounds attract Sadie's attention, who looks up from her spot in the floor, this time with curious and interested eyes.
"She's a bit shier," Jared explains, and he's already moving to call Sadie and coax her to approach Jensen when she gets up on her own and goes up to him, still a bit wary, but way more relaxed Jared's ever seen her with unknown visitors. "Wow. Or not."
"Sadie, huh? What's up, girl?" Jensen grins and uses his free hand to pet Sadie's head, and soon she joins Harley on the spot next to Jensen as they both receive his love.
Jared feels his chest swell at the image. "They seem to really like you."
"And you sound actually surprised," Jensen tells him with a smirk. He then turns back at the dogs and goes back to using his baby-voice for them, which makes Jared feel less embarrassed at the fact that he always talks to his dogs like that when they're alone. "You know, your daddy won't shut up about you two, I think you mean something special to him. Actually, your daddy won't shut up about anything, really."
Jensen looks up at Jared and gives him a teasing grin, which Jared returns with a slight blush.
"Yeah, I'm sure you've both had to suffer the Padalecki Rant of Doom." As if on cue, Harley lets out a loud bark in response that has Jensen and Jared laughing.
"Hey, you traitor, he may be pretty, but don't forget I'm the one who feeds ya."
Jared doesn't realize what he says until the words are already out of his mouth, but if Jensen notices, he doesn't act like it. He gives the two dogs a final pat in their heads and stands up, then arches his back with a soft groan.
"Man, two seconds kneeling down and my back aches. I'm getting old," he says with a sigh, but Jared can tell by the glint in his eyes that he's joking. It's weird how he knows these things about Jensen, these little details he's learnt during the few times they've talked that make him feel he's known him for a lifetime.
"You wanna sit down?" Jared offers, pointing to the couch. "I'll bring a couple of beers."
"Yeah, sure." Jensen grins again. "Are you legal to drink those, though?"
Jared laughs and ignores his comment, and goes to the kitchen to bring something to drink. They spend the following hour and a half sitting on the sofa, working their way through a six pack as they talk about everything that comes up, from politics to sports - Jensen is quite amused when Jared swears he'll never talk to him again when he finds out Jensen is a Mavs fan - and from food to music.
They have the most pointless but obligatory discussion on favorite colours - Jensen's is blue, Jared's is green -, films - in the end they both admit to being huge dorks and fans of Star Wars, even if they try to play it cool and also mention others as Terminator and Apocalypse Now - and video games. Jared's surprised to hear Jensen hasn't played for two years, and ends up promising to drag him back to the good life some time with some proper ass-kicking at Madden.
He finds out Jensen plays guitar, that that was what he wanted to be when he was a kid before real life hit him and his parents so kindly told him he needed to have a real job to make it through.
"My friend Chris, though. He's in a band," Jensen tells him, his mouth half-full of peanuts and his beer hanging from his hand. "And they're quite good, too, I'm telling you. They've played at some bars here and there. Some of the other guys from the band have second jobs, I think one of them works at a bank or something, but not Chris. No, he refuses to live off anything else that isn't his music."
Jared smiles a little. "That sounds pretty cool."
But Jensen scoffs. "Yeah, except his philosophy doesn't include living off anyone else. I tried to put some limits, tried to convince him to take a job at Burger King or something, Dani wasn't happy with the whole money lending deal, but the bastard refuses to. And there's days where he's just starving, you know. But then he'll have a show, and earn some bucks, because of course everyone else lets him keep the majority of what they make, and he's fine again."
"He sounds pretty awesome," Jared says with a chuckle.
This time, Jensen nods in agreement. "He is. I make him sound crazy whenever I talk about him, but he's probably the most down to earth guy I know." He falls silent for a few seconds, looks like he's hesitating on whether to say something or not, and then goes on. "I sometimes envy him, you know? His strong convictions, the way he just does what he wants to and not what he's supposed to." His voice has gone softer and his eyes are focused on a spot at the wall, like he's totally forgotten where he is and with who. Harley chooses that exact moment to nudge his leg with his nose, causing him to snap out of it and flush lightly. He excuses himself with a half shrug. "Sorry. I don't know."
"Don't apologize," Jared says. "I guess we all kind of want that, right? Doing what we want. Just... I don't know. Sometimes, you just can't. You have to think of other people before thinking about yourself."
Jensen nods but adds nothing more. His hand is now absently stroking Harley's fur, and the next minutes go by in a comfortable silence. Jared doesn't know how to break it, but he's not sure he wants to, either. He figures he'll have plenty of time to find out more about Jensen, but this, sharing this moment of peace with him, he's not sure if he'll have the chance to live it again.
"Dude, is that your camera?" Jensen asks some time later.
Jared glances to his right and sees his case poking out from inside his bag. "Yeah."
He stands up to take it, then returns to his spot in the sofa. Turning it on, he points it at Jensen, who quickly covers his face with his free hand and turns away from him.
"I hate getting my picture taken," Jensen says, his voice slightly muffled.
"Huh." Jared stares at him for a while. Jensen's other hand is still stroking Harley, while Sadie is laying down next to the front door, staring at him with droopy eyes. Jared smiles and snaps a picture of her, then turns so that he's facing Jensen on the couch.
"Stop," Jensen says.
Jared chuckles. "I'm not even doing anything."
"Well, put it away, then."
"Hey, you brought it up," Jared protests with a smile, but he doesn't put the camera away. Instead, he scoots closer until he's only a few inches away from Jensen and can feel the heat radiating from his body. Harley barks happily and his tail starts moving quicker.
With a quick movement, and barely being able to hold back his laughter, Jared plants the camera barely two inches away from Jensen's face and snaps a shot.
"Ugh, you idiot," Jensen says, shoving him away with his hand back to the other side of the couch. "That fucking flash, you blinded me!"
"Don't be so dramatic," Jared tells him between laughs, and takes the opportunity of Jensen's guard being down to shot another photo. "Sorry, you're just really photogenic."
"No, I'm not." Jensen's smiling, though, and he twists so that he's sitting against the armrest of the sofa, facing Jared, who is in the same position.
"Sure you are." The moment Jensen's hand goes back to petting Harley, Jared takes one last picture, then smiles innocently at Jensen when he glares at him.
"Jerk." A grin breaks through Jensen's face as he says it, and he uses his left foot to kick Jared's leg.
He doesn't move it after that, though. His foot stays right there, one of his red and white striped socks - which Jared teased him endlessly about as he took off his shoes - contrasting against Jared's jeans, the warmth making its way through the denim and heating up Jared's skin. His eyes move up to find Jensen staring right back at him, all traces of smiles gone, and Jared's face begins to flush.
After a few seconds, almost as if he could feel Jared's heartbeat picking up from the pressure he kept against his leg, Jensen's lips quirk upwards almost shyly and he looks away.
"That bad, hm?"
Jensen looks up from the cup of coffee he's been staring at for the past minutes and meets Chris' gaze. His friend's eyes are slightly worried, and Jensen sighs.
"No, it's not bad."
"Yeah? So Dani's not wiping your ass around to get everything ready?" Chris asks him, flashing an amused smile that Jensen doesn't return. He lets out a slow breath. "Did you get your new tux yet?"
"No." Jensen tries to keep his voice steady and his mind clear of thoughts that shouldn't be there, but he's not very successful. Chris has always been the person he goes to whenever something's wrong or he needs some advice that doesn't include doing weed as a solution - which rules out Misha - and it's as if his brain is urging him to let it all out now that he has a chance before he implodes. "Dude, do you... you think it's possible to fall out of love with someone?"
Chris' expression darkens instantly. "How?"
"I mean, as in, you're in love with someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them. And you've always had some doubts, you've made mistakes before, but deep down maybe you've always known, or thought, that this person is the one for you. And then..."
When Jensen trails off, Chris' eyebrows raise slightly. "And then you just don't?" he finishes, his tone neutral.
Jensen shrugs. He doesn't really know what the hell's going on, or when he admitted that something is going on. He believes that maybe he's always convinced himself that Dani was the person he's meant to be with - and he's in love with her, sure, or at least he thinks he is. But there's also the chance that it's just him settling for the safe way out, and to be honest, Jensen's always been okay with that. The option now, though, sounds quite disturbing and wrong in a way it never had before.
He's spent nights laying awake, thinking, and he hasn't reached any conclusions. Or not the ones he wants to reach, at least. Because Jensen wishes for things that he's never wished for before, and he's questioning others that have always been unquestionable, the only few things that have been certain for the most part of his life. Jensen wants to marry Danneel, he truly wants it, but then he looks at other people - hell, he'll just say it, he looks at Jared - and he hates himself for not being able to take the risk of going after what he wants.
Maybe that'd be easier if he knew exactly what he wants, in the first place.
"You think it's selfish?" he asks Chris, a frown settling on his brow. "Going after what I want, I mean."
Chris looks like he's struggling to keep up with Jensen's train of thoughts. "Look, man, I don't know where these doubts are coming from, but it's normal to be scared before your wedding, you know? To have doubts about tying yourself to someone for the rest of your life."
"It's not that, Chris, I just-"
"No, listen," Chris cuts him off. "You and Dani, everyone sees you as the perfect couple, all of us knew since the moment you two met that you'd end up together, because you work together. But that - Jen, it doesn't mean we're right. We're not there, nobody knows what it's really like except for you and her."
Jensen looks down at his coffee again. He knows what it's like, he knows Danneel loves him no matter how much they've argued lately, and he loves her back. He thinks he does. And he was sure that that was okay, not being certain about his feelings, until this kid walked into his life and changed everything, and now he doesn't know if he wants to continue being with someone and doing things just because he's heard that it's the right way to go.
"Is there someone else?"
Chris' question makes Jensen feel a bit sick. "No," he answers quickly. He takes his hand up to the bridge of his nose and rubs slightly, then drops it with a sigh. "There's... I met this guy."
Chris nods his head, his expression serious and a bit distant, but when Jensen doesn't go on, he asks, "Does Dani know?"
"She doesn't know because there's nothing to know about," Jensen says. "Nothing's happened. Hell, I don't even know the guy, I've talked to him a couple of times for some minutes, I was at his apartment last Saturday, and I just..."
Jensen's chest tightens and an unexplainable surge of emotions goes through him at the thought of Jared, his eyes looking at him almost expectantly. He thinks of Dani right after that, and he buries his face in his hands as he feels the tears stinging his eyes. He doesn't know when everything in his life got this fucked up.
Chris reaches out and grips Jensen's left wrist to pull his hand away from his face. "Jen, calm down, breathe for a second, dude. What's happening to you has happened to thousands of guys before, and nobody died because of it. It sucks, I know it does, but you really need to chill so you can think clearly."
Letting out a shaky breath, Jensen nods.
"So tell me, who is this guy? Where do you know him from?"
"His name's Jared," Jensen says, and feels ridiculous at the way his face flushes at the mention of his name. "He... he works at the catering company."
He looks up just in time to see Chris' eyes widen. "The catering company? The one you're hiring for the wedding?" Jensen nods and an amused smile tugs at Chris' lips. "Man, that's a whole new level of douche, even for you."
Jensen doesn't smile. He thinks of how he'd feel if he found out that Danneel was flirting with someone supposed to help him with their wedding, and he knows he wouldn't be smiling. At all.
"Is he really that special, then?"
There it is. Chris' question carries an entire package of doubts and fears and responsibilities that Jensen could just avoid by saying no, by denying the whole thing and saying that of course there's nothing special about Jared, he's just a hot guy who has a certain charm to him, and that Jensen's only attracted to him because of the whole adrenaline and confusion previous to his wedding. His heart's last attempt at feeling for someone who isn't Danneel.
If he says no, the whole thing's over. Chris and him will never talk about it again, and he'll be able to go back to pretending there's nothing wrong. Danneel won't even have to know about this little slip.
But Jensen can't bring himself to deny it, because his entire body and his heart and his mind are begging to let out all he's feeling. Because denying Jared suddenly sounds like something unforgivable.
"He's... he represents everything I've ever wanted," Jensen replies simply, his eyes falling shut at the effort of getting those words out. "You should see him, Chris, he's full of energy and determination, he knows what he wants and he goes for it, even against his mother's wishes. He enjoys life, and just... he irradiates happiness and freedom."
He doesn't care if he sounds stupid or girly, because there truly aren't other words to describe how amazing Jared is. When he opens his eyes again, Chris has looked away, like he's embarrassed of being let into Jensen's most private thoughts and secrets.
"I'm sorry, I don't want to make you feel like you're somehow responsible for knowing, or to throw my weight over your shoulders, man," Jensen says with a short sigh.
Chris looks at him and frowns. "Jen, what else do you think I'm here for if not to help you share that weight you're carrying?"
Jensen smiles gratefully, and he's a bit surprised to realize he does feel lighter, a bit more calm and relaxed, and he wonders if it's due to finally admitting to someone that he feels something for Jared that goes beyond simple attraction.
"I have to say, though, I thought that you couldn't get any more instant crushes once you got out of high school," Chris points out with a small smirk. "I'm worried about my own safety, now."
Jensen chuckles slightly. "Yeah, I... I think this is more than a high school crush."
Chris simply nods, understanding. "What are you gonna do, then?"
With a sigh, Jensen shrugs. "I have no fucking idea."
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Author: gluckspirat
Artist: loverstar
Fandom: CW RPF
Genre: Slash, AU.
Pairing: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The following story is fiction and it never happened. I don't know nor own the characters.
Word count: 39,975
Summary: Jared's life finally seems to be on track: he's living with his friend Chad, studying what he loves, and now that he's working for his mother, he can afford both things. Even the introduction of Jensen Ackles to the picture doesn't appear to shake things up much - he's charming and hot and funny, and Jared feels an instant attraction, but it's just another crush on a straight guy and Jared's positive he'll get over it. That is, until Jensen starts flirting back and sending Jared mixed signs - which would be great, really, if it wasn't for the tiny little fact that Jensen's getting married, and that he's chosen Jared's mom's catering business to serve at his wedding.
"Picture this." Jensen holds the phone between his head and his left shoulder as he rummages through the fridge looking for some ketchup. "You want to do something, which you know you shouldn't do."
"That sounds familiar," Misha's voice drifts from the other side of the line. "I remember this one time when I-"
"No, no, stay focused, this isn't about you."
"But you said 'you'," Misha points out, and then without giving Jensen any time to answer, he asks, "So is this about you, then?"
"Er, no." Jensen takes the phone back in his hand and goes to finish preparing his sandwich. "This isn't about anyone in particular."
"If it isn't about anyone, then it's about everyone. So it is about me."
That doesn't even make any sense, and Jensen closes his eyes for a second and lets out a long breath through his nose. "No. Dude, let's just say this is about some guy. Jerry."
"How original. Because Jerry doesn't sound like Jensen at all."
"Fine, not Jerry, let's say Paul." Jensen takes a bite of his sandwich, chews, then goes on. "Let's say Paul wants to do something, and he knows he shouldn't do it."
"Why?"
"Because it's wrong."
"Why?"
Jensen sighs. "Because it is. Misha." His friend's name leaves his mouth in a pleading tone, and he hears the other sigh.
"Okay. I was just asking to try to make your example more easy to relate to so I could give better advice, but forget it. Go on."
"Yeah, so Jerry--"
"Paul."
"Paul knows he shouldn't do it, but he really really wants to. And he believes that, if he does this, nobody will ever have to find out what's going on."
"I insist that knowing what it is would make this easier."
Jensen ignores him. "A part of him tries to convince himself that the consequences of it wouldn't be so bad, but he knows that if he does it, it'll unchain a whole load of shit he doesn't really want to deal with."
"Because he's a coward."
"No, he's - wait, what?"
Misha lets out a chuckle that surprises Jensen. "He's a coward. He doesn't have the balls to resist against doing something he knows is wrong, and if he does it, he doesn't want to deal with the results. He's a motherfucking coward, that's what."
"Oh." Jensen frowns slightly. "Well, I suppose you could say that. But... maybe Paul doesn't have a choice."
"Of course he does. We always do." Misha says. "You just said it, he wants to do it, not has to. Would it be so bad not to do it? Or is he just really that selfish and idiotic that he's willing to turn all the knobs that open the shower of shit that will cover everyone around him just to feel good for, what? A couple of hours? A day?"
Jensen feels like he's just been punched in the stomach, and he leaves his sandwich to a side, not hungry anymore. "Perhaps it goes beyond the idea of just feeling good."
"Yeah, well," Misha makes a pause, then Jensen can almost hear him shrug, "maybe Paul should care about fixing the things that make it wrong in the first place, so that he can deal with the consequences in a less... shitty way."
"Both options mean dealing with a truckload of shit," Jensen mumbles, and he's not entirely sure he's not making up excuses for himself.
"Then Paul needs to learn that every decision in his life will have results, and those results, whether good or bad or shit, will need to be dealt with. And maybe he should make the decision that involves less people walking out of it hurt."
Jensen swallows around the knot in his throat. "Who said anything about people getting hurt?"
Misha makes an almost unnoticeable pause. "A truckload, Jensen. A truckload of shit falling over you. I'm no expert on shit weight and density, but man, that's got to hurt."
Jensen forces out a laugh. "Yeah. We should, um... stop talking about Paul for today."
"You're right, I don't really like him," Misha says. Jensen hears some rustling in the background, and Jensen is about to say something when his friend cuts him off. "Hey, Jensen?"
The hand that's holding the phone starts shaking slightly, and he wonders for a fleeting second if he's made a mistake in asking Misha about this. He'd spent at least fifteen minutes staring at the phone, asking himself if he should tell someone about the whole Jared deal, and now he's kind of regretting ever calling his friend in the first place. It was probably stupid to assume Misha wouldn't be able to tell Jensen's talking about himself.
"Yeah?"
Another pause. "Did I lend you that book on ants? I can't find it anywhere, I swear someone's out to get me and my books."
An incredible relief flows through Jensen's body, and he throws his head back and smiles at the ceiling. "No, man. You didn't give it to me."
After the conversation with Misha and the guilt that follows it, Jensen spends the entire night awake, turning around restlessly, all the time trying not to disturb Danneel. She's finally relaxed a bit and has started smiling and joking and being nice again instead of snapping at him for not reason, and Jensen thinks it's in part due to the fact that he too is pretending everything's alright, just for the sake of their relationship.
Right now, he doesn't know if he's still going through with this marriage because he's in love with Dani or because he feels it'd be stupid to call everything off when they're so close to doing it. What's more important, he doesn't know when he started doubting his reasons for getting married, or if he even loves his fiancee. He's never been so scared in his entire life.
In a way, Jensen thinks it's fear alone - plus his sudden longing to see Jared again - what pushes him to do what he does. Knowing that Danneel has an appointment with her dressmaker, he makes up an excuse at his office and drives home early, all the time an insistent weight in his stomach trying to pull him back to reality and sensibility.
Jensen does his best to ignore it. Remembering what Jared had told him, he changes out of his suit and into a pair of jeans and a simple plain button-down on top of a t-shirt, and he even pulls out his boots from the back of the closet, where they'd been for months, unused. He feels nervous in these clothes and he doesn't know why.
His brain keeps coming up with the most ridiculous scenarios, like Jared realizing he doesn't really like Jensen when he's not wearing a suit, or Jared noticing Jensen's trying too hard, and Jensen has to remind himself that he's not even sure Jared likes him to begin with. He's pretty sure he does, if Jared's blushing and general nervousness around him are anything to go by.
But in the end, Jensen's only sure of one thing, and it is that he can no longer deny that he likes Jared way more than he should.
Half an hour later - almost, almost, as if he knew at what time Jared's shift ends - he's standing outside Padalecki Delight, hands in his pockets and sunglasses on, trying to calm down his nerves.
When Jared walks out, he looks both sides with a frown as if he's waiting for someone before his eyes fall on Jensen. It takes him a few seconds to recognize him, and when he finally does, his face flushes and his eyes widen.
"What are you doing here?"
His tone isn't a hundred percent friendly like it's always been, and Jensen is slightly taken aback. He rubs the back of his neck and looks around, trying to buy some time. "I'm, uh. Just hanging out."
"Just hanging out?" Jared repeats amused, and Jensen has to admit that's probably the lamest excuse he's ever come up with. "Seriously, Jensen?"
Seeing a hint of a smile on Jared's lips, Jensen relaxes a bit and he shrugs. "It's just - I'm having a bad day, and you said I could meet your dogs, so..." he trails off with a small grin, and when Jared doesn't say anything, he hastily adds, "If you're busy or anything, or you don't want to, I can leave."
Jared looks as lost as Jensen's ever seen him. He's holding his bag on one shoulder with his right hand, and fidgeting with the hem of his shirt with the other, all while squinting against the sun and staring at a spot over Jensen's shoulder.
"I thought you'd forgotten, you... I told you that two weeks ago." Jared's voice is quiet and Jensen almost has to lean forward to get the last part.
"Yeah, I've been busy with work and everything. But, uh... I'm here now, right?"
Everything meaning my wedding, with my girlfriend, whom I love and doesn't know I'm here, hanging out with you. That's okay with you, though, yeah? The same thought seems to go through both their minds, and when Jared meets his eyes, looking vulnerable and confused, Jensen's suddenly reminded of how young the other is.
"I've got plans," Jared says. "Chad's supposed to pick me up, we're going out."
"Oh." Jensen feels silly for not having considered that possibility. He clears his throat. "No, yeah, that's fine, I just didn't know where you lived, or your number, and I didn't want to call the shop 'cause I don't know if that'd be okay, so..."
"Yeah."
Almost with perfect timing - or awful one, the way Jensen sees it - a beaten up truck pulls up in front of the shop. He can see a blond guy behind the wheel, sunglasses on but his eyes clearly set on him, and Jensen feels slightly uncomfortable under the other's scrutinizing gaze.
"That Chad?" Jensen asks.
Jared waves his hand at the guy inside the truck, who raises his hand in response, eyes still fixed on Jensen. "I should go."
Jensen nods and looks down at his boots, and God, he suddenly feels so stupid, leaving work early and going to Jared's shop all dressed up like that, like assuming Jared would actually put everything aside to hang out with him.
He clears his throat awkwardly. "Alright."
Jared takes a few steps toward him hesitantly. "Sorry, I... if I'd known you'd come, I wouldn't have made plans."
"Yeah, I guess showing up here unannounced wasn't the smartest thing."
Jared smiles at him. "No, probably not. But listen, um... I'm free tomorrow, if you want to come over or whatever."
Jensen's heart picks up at those words and at the sight of Jared's dimples, and he already feels better knowing that Jared's still up for hanging out. Fuck, he's so screwed.
"Sure, I'm free."
"Awesome." Jared smiles shyly at him, and then, as Chad blows his car horn, he winces and ducks his head. "I should really go."
Jensen can't seem to stop smiling, but to be honest, he's not even trying to stop. "Alright. So, should I give you my number so you can text me your address? I mean, so you don't have to come here to meet with me and stuff."
"Yeah, that's... yeah."
So Jared hands him over his phone so that he can enter his number, and Jensen wants to ask for Jared's too, but he can't come up with a good excuse for it, and the next thing he knows, Jared is waving at him and walking over to Chad's truck. His face is still a bit red as he gets in, and he waves at Jensen once more as they drive off.
When Jensen gets back to his house, Danneel isn't there yet, so he has time to change back into his suit to pretend he's just arrived from work, and to try to wipe off the huge grin that has been plastered to his face since he watched Jared leave.
If sending Jensen a text message after lunch to settle a time and confirm he's still free proves to be nerve-wrecking enough, by the time Jared's kicked Chad out of the apartment and has checked there's nothing out of place, he's totally freaking out.
He hasn't come to terms yet with the idea of Jensen being in his apartment and of what it all means, because sure, Jensen obviously has some sort of interest in him, otherwise he wouldn't have showed up to the shop like that. But still, Jared doesn't know if Jensen's intentions are the same as his.
Because if it's friendship what Jensen's looking for - someone he can bitch to about his wife, someone he can ask to be his best man at his wedding - then Jared can't give that to him.
So he tries to look calm and relaxed and like this doesn't really affect him too much. He puts on a pair of jeans and a grey t-shirt, and he doesn't even wear shoes because, hey, he's totally relaxed, and in his own apartment, and there's no need for any. He does pick his fanciest pair of socks, though, and spends a good five minutes smelling them and submitting them to his dogs' judgement to make sure they're clean.
"You're gonna meet Jensen today, you two excited?"
Harley barks and wags his tail excitedly, but Sadie merely glances at him from her spot next to the couch before closing her eyes again. Jam, as usual, is nowhere to be seen.
Jensen shows up only three minutes after four, and he still apologizes for being late.
"I'm sorry, I got a bit lost on my way here." He explains as he walks in. Jared slowly takes him in - the green shirt with the first buttons open that brings out Jensen's eyes, the washed down jeans that wrap perfectly around his ass, the few leather bracelets he has around his left wrist - and he feels his heart miss a beat.
Fuck, Jensen really is perfect.
As if he could read what he's thinking, Jensen smiles gently at him with his cheeks barely flushed before continuing. "I'm not too familiar with this side of Austin, yet, despite the fact that I've lived here-"
He gets cut off by a pair of paws landing on his chest as Harley finally catches up on what's going on. Jared can almost know what he's thinking. New people. New people. New people. Doggy treats? New people.
With a laugh, Jensen pushes Harley off him, and then crouches down to scratch the dog behind his ears. "Hey there, big guy." Harley whines happily and his tail starts thumping on the floor rhythmically. The sounds attract Sadie's attention, who looks up from her spot in the floor, this time with curious and interested eyes.
"She's a bit shier," Jared explains, and he's already moving to call Sadie and coax her to approach Jensen when she gets up on her own and goes up to him, still a bit wary, but way more relaxed Jared's ever seen her with unknown visitors. "Wow. Or not."
"Sadie, huh? What's up, girl?" Jensen grins and uses his free hand to pet Sadie's head, and soon she joins Harley on the spot next to Jensen as they both receive his love.
Jared feels his chest swell at the image. "They seem to really like you."
"And you sound actually surprised," Jensen tells him with a smirk. He then turns back at the dogs and goes back to using his baby-voice for them, which makes Jared feel less embarrassed at the fact that he always talks to his dogs like that when they're alone. "You know, your daddy won't shut up about you two, I think you mean something special to him. Actually, your daddy won't shut up about anything, really."
Jensen looks up at Jared and gives him a teasing grin, which Jared returns with a slight blush.
"Yeah, I'm sure you've both had to suffer the Padalecki Rant of Doom." As if on cue, Harley lets out a loud bark in response that has Jensen and Jared laughing.
"Hey, you traitor, he may be pretty, but don't forget I'm the one who feeds ya."
Jared doesn't realize what he says until the words are already out of his mouth, but if Jensen notices, he doesn't act like it. He gives the two dogs a final pat in their heads and stands up, then arches his back with a soft groan.
"Man, two seconds kneeling down and my back aches. I'm getting old," he says with a sigh, but Jared can tell by the glint in his eyes that he's joking. It's weird how he knows these things about Jensen, these little details he's learnt during the few times they've talked that make him feel he's known him for a lifetime.
"You wanna sit down?" Jared offers, pointing to the couch. "I'll bring a couple of beers."
"Yeah, sure." Jensen grins again. "Are you legal to drink those, though?"
Jared laughs and ignores his comment, and goes to the kitchen to bring something to drink. They spend the following hour and a half sitting on the sofa, working their way through a six pack as they talk about everything that comes up, from politics to sports - Jensen is quite amused when Jared swears he'll never talk to him again when he finds out Jensen is a Mavs fan - and from food to music.
They have the most pointless but obligatory discussion on favorite colours - Jensen's is blue, Jared's is green -, films - in the end they both admit to being huge dorks and fans of Star Wars, even if they try to play it cool and also mention others as Terminator and Apocalypse Now - and video games. Jared's surprised to hear Jensen hasn't played for two years, and ends up promising to drag him back to the good life some time with some proper ass-kicking at Madden.
He finds out Jensen plays guitar, that that was what he wanted to be when he was a kid before real life hit him and his parents so kindly told him he needed to have a real job to make it through.
"My friend Chris, though. He's in a band," Jensen tells him, his mouth half-full of peanuts and his beer hanging from his hand. "And they're quite good, too, I'm telling you. They've played at some bars here and there. Some of the other guys from the band have second jobs, I think one of them works at a bank or something, but not Chris. No, he refuses to live off anything else that isn't his music."
Jared smiles a little. "That sounds pretty cool."
But Jensen scoffs. "Yeah, except his philosophy doesn't include living off anyone else. I tried to put some limits, tried to convince him to take a job at Burger King or something, Dani wasn't happy with the whole money lending deal, but the bastard refuses to. And there's days where he's just starving, you know. But then he'll have a show, and earn some bucks, because of course everyone else lets him keep the majority of what they make, and he's fine again."
"He sounds pretty awesome," Jared says with a chuckle.
This time, Jensen nods in agreement. "He is. I make him sound crazy whenever I talk about him, but he's probably the most down to earth guy I know." He falls silent for a few seconds, looks like he's hesitating on whether to say something or not, and then goes on. "I sometimes envy him, you know? His strong convictions, the way he just does what he wants to and not what he's supposed to." His voice has gone softer and his eyes are focused on a spot at the wall, like he's totally forgotten where he is and with who. Harley chooses that exact moment to nudge his leg with his nose, causing him to snap out of it and flush lightly. He excuses himself with a half shrug. "Sorry. I don't know."
"Don't apologize," Jared says. "I guess we all kind of want that, right? Doing what we want. Just... I don't know. Sometimes, you just can't. You have to think of other people before thinking about yourself."
Jensen nods but adds nothing more. His hand is now absently stroking Harley's fur, and the next minutes go by in a comfortable silence. Jared doesn't know how to break it, but he's not sure he wants to, either. He figures he'll have plenty of time to find out more about Jensen, but this, sharing this moment of peace with him, he's not sure if he'll have the chance to live it again.
"Dude, is that your camera?" Jensen asks some time later.
Jared glances to his right and sees his case poking out from inside his bag. "Yeah."
He stands up to take it, then returns to his spot in the sofa. Turning it on, he points it at Jensen, who quickly covers his face with his free hand and turns away from him.
"I hate getting my picture taken," Jensen says, his voice slightly muffled.
"Huh." Jared stares at him for a while. Jensen's other hand is still stroking Harley, while Sadie is laying down next to the front door, staring at him with droopy eyes. Jared smiles and snaps a picture of her, then turns so that he's facing Jensen on the couch.
"Stop," Jensen says.
Jared chuckles. "I'm not even doing anything."
"Well, put it away, then."
"Hey, you brought it up," Jared protests with a smile, but he doesn't put the camera away. Instead, he scoots closer until he's only a few inches away from Jensen and can feel the heat radiating from his body. Harley barks happily and his tail starts moving quicker.
With a quick movement, and barely being able to hold back his laughter, Jared plants the camera barely two inches away from Jensen's face and snaps a shot.
"Ugh, you idiot," Jensen says, shoving him away with his hand back to the other side of the couch. "That fucking flash, you blinded me!"
"Don't be so dramatic," Jared tells him between laughs, and takes the opportunity of Jensen's guard being down to shot another photo. "Sorry, you're just really photogenic."
"No, I'm not." Jensen's smiling, though, and he twists so that he's sitting against the armrest of the sofa, facing Jared, who is in the same position.
"Sure you are." The moment Jensen's hand goes back to petting Harley, Jared takes one last picture, then smiles innocently at Jensen when he glares at him.
"Jerk." A grin breaks through Jensen's face as he says it, and he uses his left foot to kick Jared's leg.
He doesn't move it after that, though. His foot stays right there, one of his red and white striped socks - which Jared teased him endlessly about as he took off his shoes - contrasting against Jared's jeans, the warmth making its way through the denim and heating up Jared's skin. His eyes move up to find Jensen staring right back at him, all traces of smiles gone, and Jared's face begins to flush.
After a few seconds, almost as if he could feel Jared's heartbeat picking up from the pressure he kept against his leg, Jensen's lips quirk upwards almost shyly and he looks away.
"That bad, hm?"
Jensen looks up from the cup of coffee he's been staring at for the past minutes and meets Chris' gaze. His friend's eyes are slightly worried, and Jensen sighs.
"No, it's not bad."
"Yeah? So Dani's not wiping your ass around to get everything ready?" Chris asks him, flashing an amused smile that Jensen doesn't return. He lets out a slow breath. "Did you get your new tux yet?"
"No." Jensen tries to keep his voice steady and his mind clear of thoughts that shouldn't be there, but he's not very successful. Chris has always been the person he goes to whenever something's wrong or he needs some advice that doesn't include doing weed as a solution - which rules out Misha - and it's as if his brain is urging him to let it all out now that he has a chance before he implodes. "Dude, do you... you think it's possible to fall out of love with someone?"
Chris' expression darkens instantly. "How?"
"I mean, as in, you're in love with someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them. And you've always had some doubts, you've made mistakes before, but deep down maybe you've always known, or thought, that this person is the one for you. And then..."
When Jensen trails off, Chris' eyebrows raise slightly. "And then you just don't?" he finishes, his tone neutral.
Jensen shrugs. He doesn't really know what the hell's going on, or when he admitted that something is going on. He believes that maybe he's always convinced himself that Dani was the person he's meant to be with - and he's in love with her, sure, or at least he thinks he is. But there's also the chance that it's just him settling for the safe way out, and to be honest, Jensen's always been okay with that. The option now, though, sounds quite disturbing and wrong in a way it never had before.
He's spent nights laying awake, thinking, and he hasn't reached any conclusions. Or not the ones he wants to reach, at least. Because Jensen wishes for things that he's never wished for before, and he's questioning others that have always been unquestionable, the only few things that have been certain for the most part of his life. Jensen wants to marry Danneel, he truly wants it, but then he looks at other people - hell, he'll just say it, he looks at Jared - and he hates himself for not being able to take the risk of going after what he wants.
Maybe that'd be easier if he knew exactly what he wants, in the first place.
"You think it's selfish?" he asks Chris, a frown settling on his brow. "Going after what I want, I mean."
Chris looks like he's struggling to keep up with Jensen's train of thoughts. "Look, man, I don't know where these doubts are coming from, but it's normal to be scared before your wedding, you know? To have doubts about tying yourself to someone for the rest of your life."
"It's not that, Chris, I just-"
"No, listen," Chris cuts him off. "You and Dani, everyone sees you as the perfect couple, all of us knew since the moment you two met that you'd end up together, because you work together. But that - Jen, it doesn't mean we're right. We're not there, nobody knows what it's really like except for you and her."
Jensen looks down at his coffee again. He knows what it's like, he knows Danneel loves him no matter how much they've argued lately, and he loves her back. He thinks he does. And he was sure that that was okay, not being certain about his feelings, until this kid walked into his life and changed everything, and now he doesn't know if he wants to continue being with someone and doing things just because he's heard that it's the right way to go.
"Is there someone else?"
Chris' question makes Jensen feel a bit sick. "No," he answers quickly. He takes his hand up to the bridge of his nose and rubs slightly, then drops it with a sigh. "There's... I met this guy."
Chris nods his head, his expression serious and a bit distant, but when Jensen doesn't go on, he asks, "Does Dani know?"
"She doesn't know because there's nothing to know about," Jensen says. "Nothing's happened. Hell, I don't even know the guy, I've talked to him a couple of times for some minutes, I was at his apartment last Saturday, and I just..."
Jensen's chest tightens and an unexplainable surge of emotions goes through him at the thought of Jared, his eyes looking at him almost expectantly. He thinks of Dani right after that, and he buries his face in his hands as he feels the tears stinging his eyes. He doesn't know when everything in his life got this fucked up.
Chris reaches out and grips Jensen's left wrist to pull his hand away from his face. "Jen, calm down, breathe for a second, dude. What's happening to you has happened to thousands of guys before, and nobody died because of it. It sucks, I know it does, but you really need to chill so you can think clearly."
Letting out a shaky breath, Jensen nods.
"So tell me, who is this guy? Where do you know him from?"
"His name's Jared," Jensen says, and feels ridiculous at the way his face flushes at the mention of his name. "He... he works at the catering company."
He looks up just in time to see Chris' eyes widen. "The catering company? The one you're hiring for the wedding?" Jensen nods and an amused smile tugs at Chris' lips. "Man, that's a whole new level of douche, even for you."
Jensen doesn't smile. He thinks of how he'd feel if he found out that Danneel was flirting with someone supposed to help him with their wedding, and he knows he wouldn't be smiling. At all.
"Is he really that special, then?"
There it is. Chris' question carries an entire package of doubts and fears and responsibilities that Jensen could just avoid by saying no, by denying the whole thing and saying that of course there's nothing special about Jared, he's just a hot guy who has a certain charm to him, and that Jensen's only attracted to him because of the whole adrenaline and confusion previous to his wedding. His heart's last attempt at feeling for someone who isn't Danneel.
If he says no, the whole thing's over. Chris and him will never talk about it again, and he'll be able to go back to pretending there's nothing wrong. Danneel won't even have to know about this little slip.
But Jensen can't bring himself to deny it, because his entire body and his heart and his mind are begging to let out all he's feeling. Because denying Jared suddenly sounds like something unforgivable.
"He's... he represents everything I've ever wanted," Jensen replies simply, his eyes falling shut at the effort of getting those words out. "You should see him, Chris, he's full of energy and determination, he knows what he wants and he goes for it, even against his mother's wishes. He enjoys life, and just... he irradiates happiness and freedom."
He doesn't care if he sounds stupid or girly, because there truly aren't other words to describe how amazing Jared is. When he opens his eyes again, Chris has looked away, like he's embarrassed of being let into Jensen's most private thoughts and secrets.
"I'm sorry, I don't want to make you feel like you're somehow responsible for knowing, or to throw my weight over your shoulders, man," Jensen says with a short sigh.
Chris looks at him and frowns. "Jen, what else do you think I'm here for if not to help you share that weight you're carrying?"
Jensen smiles gratefully, and he's a bit surprised to realize he does feel lighter, a bit more calm and relaxed, and he wonders if it's due to finally admitting to someone that he feels something for Jared that goes beyond simple attraction.
"I have to say, though, I thought that you couldn't get any more instant crushes once you got out of high school," Chris points out with a small smirk. "I'm worried about my own safety, now."
Jensen chuckles slightly. "Yeah, I... I think this is more than a high school crush."
Chris simply nods, understanding. "What are you gonna do, then?"
With a sigh, Jensen shrugs. "I have no fucking idea."
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