holiday from real - part IV
Title: Holiday From Real
Author: gluckspirat
Artist: loverstar
Fandom: CW RPF
Genre: Slash, AU.
Pairing: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The following story is fiction and it never happened. I don't know nor own the characters.
Word count: 39,975
Summary: Jared's life finally seems to be on track: he's living with his friend Chad, studying what he loves, and now that he's working for his mother, he can afford both things. Even the introduction of Jensen Ackles to the picture doesn't appear to shake things up much - he's charming and hot and funny, and Jared feels an instant attraction, but it's just another crush on a straight guy and Jared's positive he'll get over it. That is, until Jensen starts flirting back and sending Jared mixed signs - which would be great, really, if it wasn't for the tiny little fact that Jensen's getting married, and that he's chosen Jared's mom's catering business to serve at his wedding.
Jensen walks into his house after more than half an hour of aimless driving. He's been dreading this moment in which he has nothing to busy his mind with and has to finally face what's happened with Jared, what's happening with Danneel, what's happening with his entire fucking life, really.
It doesn't help that Danneel is home and waiting up for him. He can see the flickering light and hear the voices of the TV coming from their bedroom, and the moment he shuts the door, the sounds are muted.
"Jen?"
Jensen freezes, his back against the door, feeling like an intruder in his own place, like he's been caught doing something wrong. "I thought you were going out," he calls.
There's silence for a few seconds, and then Danneel emerges from their room, wearing nothing but a small, cute piece of lingerie - that at one point in Jensen's life would have made him hard the second he saw it, and now only brings a frown to his face - and a pissed off expression to go with it. She folds her arms across her chest.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing." Jensen shrugs helplessly. "You said you had plans with your friends, that you were going out."
She narrows his eyes at him. "Well, I did, but I then decided to stay home instead and spend some time with my boyfriend." She motions with her hand at him, and only then takes in his dishevelled appearance. "God, look at the state of you! Where were you?"
He hasn't looked at himself in a mirror, and his entire body freezes at the idea that his hair is messy, or that he has a hickey, or even worse, a white stain in his pants that couldn't be confused with anything else.
He's quick to come up with a lie. "I was with Chris. You said you wouldn't be here, so we got together for dinner and..." he trails off as she sees her face change so abruptly that it's almost scary.
"Yeah?" She asks, and Jensen instantly knows he's fucked. "Because Chris called earlier, asking where you were and if you had plans for tomorrow." Danneel makes a pause, giving Jensen the chance to explain, but he's got no excuses for that, and he's had a quite crappy day to get his brain to work around it. "But I guess you two meet on a daily basis, now," she goes on. "How did you like being the third wheel, by the way? Chris said to warn you not to call him on his phone because he had a date."
Jensen's stomach is getting heavier and heavier, his entire body feels worn out, and his brain is screaming for a rest or a fucking release. So he just stands there; he stands there and looks at her, until she throws her arms in the air and storms into the room, only to come out fifteen minutes later, fully dressed and with a messy layer of make-up on.
As she approaches, Jensen moves away from the door. "Don't wait up," she spats in his direction.
He's too tired for this. He's too tired of this. "Where are you going?"
She pauses and turns around, her face completely blank. "Out."
"But where?"
"Seriously, Jensen?"
She stares at him with her eyebrows raised for a few seconds, then turns around and leaves, slamming the door behind her.
Jensen wakes up to find Danneel curled up under a blanket in the sofa, her make-up smeared across her face, hair all over the place, and shoes standing next to the door. That must've been why he didn't hear her last night, and he can't help but realize how good she's getting at sneaking out during the night and returning at God knows what time.
It's been going for more than a week, now. Jensen thinks he should be worried - he's not stupid, after all, and there's only so many things she can be doing alone at night that make her come back silent and tired and... satiated. And he didn't really need Danneel's friend calling to ask where she was to confirm his suspicions.
At times, Jensen wonders if he should just apologize and get it over with, since it's clear Danneel's still bitter over that night with Jared. But truth is, Jensen's not sorry for it - if anything, he's sorry he hasn't had the chance to see Jared again, just so much as glance at him, see his eyes or his smile, and it only takes that thought for him to realize how screwed he is. If there is anyone he feels he should apologize to, then it certainly isn't Danneel.
Apparently - and with good reasons, Jensen knows - Jared is, too, still bitter about that night and about Jensen bailing on him. Again. Which is totally understandable, really.
But Jensen doesn't know how to fix it. He cherishes mornings like this, when there's quiet and calmness and nothing but Danneel's soft snores coming from the living room, which he finds almost soothing - whether it's the sounds themselves he finds relaxing or because it's the only moment in which the two of them are at peace, he doesn't know. He sits at the kitchen table with his coffee and thinks of all the possible ways out of this. He'd call Misha or Chris, but deep down he knows he has to deal with this by himself.
Things are harder than that, though, because thinking of a solution is perfectly fine until he has to actually do it. Of course, the first option that comes to him is cutting everything off with Jared and going on as if he'd never met him - naturally, only seconds after thinking that, he finds himself hearing Jared's voicemail message before cowardly hanging up, and tells himself that it's going to be pretty hard to let go of him when he's falling quite hard for the guy.
Admitting that leads him to his second choice: calling off his marriage with Danneel. However, the idea of doing it, of facing Danneel and his parents and his friends, of giving up everything he's been building for years just for this thing with Jared that only has been going on for - what, weeks? - is terrifying as hell. Plus, he's not even sure he wants to.
There's a voice at the back of his head that speaks to him all the fucking time, reminds him of every single reason he wanted to marry Dani in the first place. Those reasons are still there, somewhere, even if he can't see them right now, he knows that. Or, at least, that's what he wants to believe.
In the end, mornings like this usually end up with him going out for a walk to clear his mind, then returning home to find Danneel ignoring him or, more often than not, gone and nowhere to be found. He has to admit that this is not doing anything to solve the situation he's put himself into. He's not moving in any direction, and honestly, if that's not Jensen being a coward, then he doesn't know what is.
So that morning, he tries to do something different and cooks up a large breakfast for his girlfriend - coffee, orange juice, bacon, cut-up fruit - which he leaves on the coffee table next to her as he leans down to wake her up.
"Dani?" He gives her shoulder another wake. "Hey, wake up."
With some groaning and muttering, Danneel's eyes open and she stares up at him groggily. She frowns at him instantly.
"'The fuck are you doing?"
Jensen can't help but smile - he'd always found Dani's aversion to mornings endearing. "I made you some breakfast," he says, nodding to the tray in front of them.
She does nothing but stare at the food for some seconds. "Are you fucking serious?" She tugs the blanket over her head. "I'm hungover, Jensen, not hungry. You should know this from all those times you've come home drunk after hanging out with your friends."
"Fine." Jensen bites back his answer and breathes deeply through his nose, trying to cool himself down. "Do you want me to bring you water and some pills for your headache?"
"I just want you to let me sleep."
Jensen can't hold back his sigh this time and he stands up and returns to the kitchen, taking the breakfast with him and dumping it all in the trash. There's a dull pressure against his heart that tells him he deserves this; he's done nothing but fuck people up lately, and he's fucked himself up in the process.
When Danneel finally gets up around half an hour later, she heads straight to the bathroom and spends some good time locked up there. She comes out showered and wearing clean clothes, make-up trying to cover up how shitty she feels, but Jensen sees right through it.
"You going out again?"
She stares at him for a couple of seconds, then nods. "Yes. You've got a problem with that?"
Jensen says nothing. He keeps glaring at the newspaper, moving his eyes randomly to pretend he's interested in some celebrity scandal. He sees her, out of the corner of his eyes, standing a few feet away, clutching her bag tightly against her chest. She looks vulnerable - scared, almost.
"Jensen. I'm going to spend the weekend at my parents' house."
Her voice is calm and steady, like there aren't a thousand meanings underneath her words that sting Jensen like poisoned needles. His glare shifts from the paper to her.
"Is their place closer to your favorite bar or something?" He snaps, and the moment her face instantly shuts down, he reminds himself he was trying to make things better, not worse. He raises one hand to rub the bridge of his nose, then drops it heavily over the table. "Listen, I... I'm sorry. You don't have to leave."
"I know that, but I want to. Jensen," she takes a few steps towards him, but stops when she's still out of his reach. Fuck, is this really what they've become? "I need some time, some space. I think we both do."
"No, we don't, Dani, dammit!" He sighs. "I can fix this, I know I can. But not when you're at the other side of town."
Her face is impassive as she shakes her head. "It's not something you have to fix. We've both made mistakes and we need to work on this together."
"I just don't see how us being apart is going to solve anything."
"It's not like living together is doing us any better, either."
Jensen doesn't answer. He stares at his lap, fidgets with a hole in his jeans, runs his finger over a stain at the table and, after a couple of minutes, he hears Danneel leave without saying another word.
He's alone. Okay, then.
The first thing Jensen does - after checking his voicemail in case Jared's called during the night - is turn his phone off. If Danneel wants to talk to him, she'll have to call to the house phone, and then he'll consider answering or not. He's being stubborn, he knows that, but he can't bring himself to care right now.
He orders two boxes of pizza for lunch, even if he only gets through three slices before feeling sick, and picks a couple of action DVDs that will require no thinking at all, other than man, that was a huge ass explosion.
It's nearly five, and he's starting his third movie, when he hears a knock on the front door, and the first person he thinks of is Jared - but since Jared obviously doesn't know where Jensen lives, he then thinks it's probably Danneel. Maybe she forgot something, maybe she came to realize that the only way of making things better is staying here and not running away.
He runs a hand through his hair before pulling the door open, only to find probably the last person he expected to see.
"What the - Chad?"
The blond man shoves Jensen out of the way and walks inside his apartment without waiting for an invitation, and by the time he reaches the middle of the room and turns around, Jensen's still standing by the door, jaw slack and eyebrows raised.
"Quit with the fucking staring and open up your fucking ears, pal, because I'm only going to say this shit once."
Jared hates this.
In extreme life-or-death situations which Jared knows will never come, he'd trust Chad with his life - he's sure of that, and he's sure Chad knows this, too. But things like these - forcing Jared into a car and driving him to some place without telling him where or why, only repeating over and over that it's the best for both of them - make Jared feel uneasy. He just wants to get back home and curl up in his bed like he's been doing for the past week.
They park in front of a nice house only eight or nine blocks away from Padalecki Delight, and Jared can't help but frown. Chad's plans of cheering Jared up have always included Chad picking up a guy for his friend - with time you'll learn, Jay-boy, that sex is always the best solution - so Jared was expecting something more like a bar. It's a Saturday night, after all, and he doesn't know why they're in front of what could possibly be some shady guy's house.
Until an idea hits him.
"Chad."
His friend looks innocently at him. "Yeah?"
"Dude, swear to me this isn't Tom's house," Jared practically growls, his stomach already turning unpleasantly at the thought. "Me and him will never work out, and the poor guy doesn't deserve to be treated as rebound."
But Chad smiles at him and raises both hands defensively. "Fine, I swear. It's not Tom's house."
"It better not be," Jared says, but he feels slightly better already.
"Just trust me, yeah?"
Jared does. Pushing his doubts aside, he watches Chad drive off, then walks up to the entrance door. The front yard is slightly unkempt, and the lack of garden gnomes and other must-be's that Jared's always hated contrast with the rest of the houses in the block, which he's grateful for. There's probably very few things that Jared finds creepier than flamingos coming out from the ground as if they were plants.
Once he reaches the doorway, he stares at the house number trying to see if he can make anything from it, but it doesn't ring any bells in the slightest. He tries to think whose place this could be, and his mind goes through the craziest options until he gives up and decides to knock.
There's nothing but silence. He waits for a few seconds, then knocks again. This time, a gruff voice carries from the other side of the door.
"Alright, I'm coming! Jesus."
Jared panics and his legs freeze. He recognizes that voice, would recognize it through the thickest walls - it's Jensen's. Chad brought him to Jensen's house, the fucker.
Jared considers fleeing, and actually looks around to see if there are any bushes he could hide behind until Jensen thought there was nobody there, and so then he could run away. But there's absolutely nothing - not even one fucking flamingo to crouch next to, not that Jared could be disguised by a plastic flamingo, anyway - and the next thing he knows, the door is being pulled open and Jensen's standing there, wearing a tight, black shirt and worn-out jeans that are long enough to cover most of his bare feet.
"Jared?"
He actually sounds surprised, Jared will give him that. Jared feels his throat closing. "You told Chad to bring me here?"
"What?" Jensen's eyes widen in confusion. "What're you - aw, fuck. Chad." Jensen looks down and rubs the back of his neck, then throws a glance over his shoulder at the inside of his house. "Guess I now get why he told me to clean up."
Jared frowns. "Wait, you weren't in on this with Chad? You didn't know he was bringing me here?"
It's unbelievable that Jared hasn't seen Jensen in more than a week, and that, when he finally does, they end up talking about Chad again. Jensen looks ten times hotter than Jared remembered, and seeing him like this, all... domestic and relaxed, makes Jared's stomach flip. He wants to get out of there before Jensen fucks him over once more, but at the same time, he wants to stay, wants to get to know Jensen's house and spend some time with him in there.
"He paid me a visit earlier," Jensen says, pulling Jared out of his thoughts. "Asked me a couple of stuff, wanted to know if I cared about you and everything, and..." Jensen chuckles, then rubs the back of his neck again. Jared wants to take his hands in his and stop him from doing that. "Sorry. I would've told him not to if I'd known."
"Oh. Right." Of course; under the current circumstances, Jared can never spend time at Jensen's house. "I'll just, um. I'll go, before Danneel gets the wrong idea or something."
Jensen suddenly grips Jared's arm to stop him, even if Jared hasn't moved at all. "Hey, no, wait, I didn't mean it like that. Danneel - she's not even here, I just - I thought you didn't want to see me again, so... I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or anything."
"Oh." Jared can feel his heart picking up under the heat of Jensen's hand.
"You want to come in, then?"
Jared's being pulled inside before the idea of saying no even crosses his mind. Jensen closes the door behind him and pushes Jared against it, bringing their faces close together.
"I know I'm a jerk, and that I owe you an explanation, I just-"
But Jared doesn't want to hear it. Because really, what could Jensen possibly say to make this any better? Nothing will make up for the fact that Jensen's going to marry Danneel, and Jared's too gone for him already to try and pretend he's better than that - but he can push the thought to the back of his mind and try to make the most of it while he can.
Jensen apparently reads all the thoughts going through Jared's head and, wasting no more time, he brings their lips together. To Jared, it feels like he's finally getting something he's addicted to - which is probably what it is, anyway. Jensen's lips are slightly chapped and warm, and he kisses Jared like there's no tomorrow, holding his hands over his head and keeping their hips pressed together.
After some minutes, Jensen pulls back and lets his forehead drop on Jared's shoulder, his own heaving up and down as he tries to catch his breath.
"Fuck, I missed that," he mumbles against Jared's jacket. "I missed you."
Jared tries to ignore the giddiness inside him and chooses not to answer. He frees one of his hands and runs it through Jensen's hair, down his back and to Jensen's hips, and he squeezes gently. Glancing over Jensen's shoulder, he catches the flickering of a turned on TV.
"Did I interrupt you in the middle of a movie or something?"
Jensen lifts his head up and looks at Jared. "Yeah, but I've only seen it like thirty times before," he says with a smile. "Tour of the house?"
"Uh, sure."
Jensen's place is something Jared instantly falls in love with. It's not too big, not at all presumptuous - it's warm and welcoming, with some family pictures on the walls and a couple of plants, a large kitchen which Jared's mom would love, and a neat guestroom that apparently Jensen uses to put in all his stuff that hasn't found its own place somewhere else in the house.
There's a queen bed in the middle, and against one of the corners stands a huge CD tower that, Jared notices, is mostly 80's rock and metal, and a couple of country artists. A few feet away, in a stand that makes it look almost too majestic, is Jensen's guitar. Jared approaches it and goes to pick it up when he notices the thin layer of dust covering it.
He remembers the passion with which Jensen had talked about his music one afternoon at Jared's place and frowns. "When was the last time you played?" he asks.
Jensen shrugs, pushes himself off the frame of the door he's leaning against and walks up to Jared. One hand naturally curls around Jared's hip as Jensen stands behind him.
"Couple of months, give or take," Jensen tells him, and though he tries to come off as nonchalant, Jared doesn't miss the slight hint of resentment in his tone. "With the whole wedding shit, and Danneel moving in, there just - I haven't had time to sit down and play something."
"We have time now."
"I, uh," Jensen lets out a soft chuckle. His cheeks flush, and he shakes his head with a grin, almost shy. "I don't know. We'll see."
Jared's stomach reacts at Jensen looking so adorable, and he grins teasingly. "Why? You're that bad, Ackles?"
"Only as bad as you in photography."
Jared throws his head back in a laugh. "If I had my camera here, I'd prove you wrong."
Jensen hums in response and then, with a small grin, starts poking Jared's side with something that Jared discovers to be Jensen's phone when he looks down. "Next best thing, huh?"
Jared stares at the phone for a few minutes, confused. Jensen continues to look at him with a grin, and then, when Jared still doesn't react, lets out a short sigh and nudges Jared's hip with his at the same time he raises up his arm. Jensen's cheeks are still flushed slightly, and Jared, who's never seen Jensen not being his usual confident self, feels a selfish delight run through him at the sight.
"Smile," Jensen tells him, even if he doesn't have to - they're both wearing identical grins on their faces as the phone lets out a barely audible click. Jensen turns the phone around again and looks at the screen. "I'm quite the photographer," he points out.
Jared rolls his eyes. "I bet. Let me see."
But Jensen puts the phone back in his pocket. "Nope," he says, and reaches out to grip Jared's wrist. "We gotta finish the tour."
It's a strange night. They sit at Jensen's couch eating pizza and watching one of Jensen's movies, talking and catching up as if it hadn't been a quite bad situation what had kept them apart, and it almost feels like one of those nights they used to spend at Jared's, hanging out with the dogs and hearing about the other's lives, getting to know each other. Those days that seem to Jared like they were years ago.
When Jared glances at Jensen, he sees how relaxed he looks, a small smile dancing along his lips, and he can't help but wonder where Danneel is. She's not there, and Jared is, and it makes his stomach twist unpleasantly. Jared remembers how he used to hate those people, the kind that mess with others' relationships, who get involved with someone knowing they're with somebody else. Now he's one of them, and he hates himself a bit for it.
So the question is out of his lips before he can stop it. "Where's Danneel?"
Jensen looks at him from the other end of the sofa, still smiling a bit - Jared now thinks it might be for all the empty beer bottles scattered around them. "Not here," Jensen murmurs.
"Clearly," Jared answers, and he doesn't try to stop the smile that forms at his lips at the way Jensen's looking at him - a bit drunk, a bit dazed, a smirk at his lips, completely sexy. "But is she coming back?"
Jared hates how hopeful his question sounds, how bad it actually is that he's willing to break this girl's heart just to get what he wants, but when it comes to Jensen, Jared just feels incredibly selfish. It doesn't ease the discomfort inside him, though.
"Who knows?" Jensen says after a while.
And Jared doesn't fight back when Jensen takes him upstairs to the guest bedroom and pushes him down to the bed. He does nothing to stop him as Jensen unbuttons his shirt and tugs down his jeans, pulls off his socks, and sucks bruises into Jared's neck and chest.
Jared tangles his fingers in Jensen's hair and pulls slightly, tries to let himself enjoy this just because he can - just because he can have this right here and right now, and probably not ever again. However, a voice in the back of his head doesn't let him fully relax. It's too weird, knowing this is Jensen's and Danneel's house, that this is where they plan their wedding, where they sit and talk for hours - even if it's just the guestroom, Jared knows they've been in here together, that they've kissed in this very same room. Being in Jensen's place is suddenly making everything too real. He has to make a huge effort to keep Danneel out of his head, and he wonders if Jensen's having the same problem.
He gets his answer when he feels something dampen the skin of his neck - something most definitely not coming from Jensen's mouth - and he finds himself gripping Jensen's hair tighter, his other hand going around his shoulders to hold him as Jensen's entire body shakes with his sobs.
"I'm sorry. I can't - can't do this to her," Jensen chokes out.
Jared feels his heart clench both at Jensen's pain and at his own. He wishes he hadn't shown up there, wishes Chad had never tried to make things better for him, because this right here is the confirmation to what Jared knew deep down all along. He's no better than Danneel, he's never going to get chosen over her, and the worst part of it all? Jared might not even want to.
Not if it makes Jensen hurt like this, not if it destroys him and rips him apart with guilt and sorrow, thinking he's ruining both Jared's and Danneel's lives. And maybe he is. Maybe that's all they've been doing, just hurting each other, pointlessly hurting each other as they head down a road they both know is a dead end.
And Jared wants Jensen with all his heart - he wants to be able to be there for him, wants to grow old with him, wants the chance to prove him how much love he can give him. He knows they could make each other so happy if they ever have the chance. But that's the thing - they don't. Jensen's going to marry Danneel one way or another, whatever happens, and the best they can do is put an end to this. The best Jared can do is be the smarter one and leave.
His arms tighten around Jensen's body, now considerably more relaxed, though Jared can still feel the tears falling against his neck.
But maybe he can allow himself to have this one last thing, he thinks. Just a little longer of this, of Jensen, and of comforting him and trying to comfort him. Maybe he can enjoy this night before stepping out of Jensen's life for good.
Jensen wakes up to find himself all alone in a strange bed, the sun entering the room through windows without curtains and from the wrong direction, and the memories from the previous night hit him straight to the chest and leave him breathless and choking for air. He shuts his eyes tight and tries to push down the feeling of emptiness that is spreading through all his body.
Jared was here. Jared was here, in this room, and he fucked up. Again. And Jensen's somehow sure that this was the last time. No more chances, he doesn't deserve them - not from Jared.
He rolls to his back and stares at the ceiling, and his fingers twitch in desire to reach out for the warmth that was next to him last night and is now gone. In between all the uncomfortable and painful feelings flowing throw his body, Jensen vaguely registers something poking him in the leg and reaches out to pull it out of his pocket to ease the slight sting. He stops himself from tossing the object away when he sees it's his phone.
His heart suddenly speeding up, he goes through the menu and into his files, scrolls down pictures of him and Danneel, him and Chris, and finally reaches the last one. Looking up at him with a wide grin, breathtaking dimples deep into his cheeks and eyes shining, Jared, gorgeous as ever. Jensen's standing behind him, an arm around his waist, face looking flushed and cracked in a smile Jensen hasn't seen in himself for a long time. The photo is beautiful and makes his heart ache, and he doesn't hesitate and sets it as the screen background so that he can see it whenever he uses his phone. A reminder of the best thing that has happened to him. A reminder of what he could've had - of what he doesn't deserve.
He's still staring at his phone, thumb clicking the 4 button every now and then to stop the screen from going black, when he catches the shadow of someone standing at the door of the room, and he looks up quickly, heart pounding.
"Hey."
The voice is soft and gentle and conciliatory, and Jensen hates it because it's the last thing he wants to hear right now. Not the person he was expecting to see at all. Danneel is wearing one of his old shirts, the one that looks huge on her and that goes down to the middle of her thighs, and a pair of blue slippers. She holds two coffee cups in her hands, and offers Jensen a smile.
"You're here," he says with a frown. He's still clutching his phone in his hand, his fingers closing around the screen as if the photo were to suddenly disappear to never be seen again. "I thought you said - you're here too soon."
If Danneel senses the unwelcoming tone in Jensen's voice, she doesn't show it. "I know, I know, I just - my parents were being a pain in the ass, and I... I missed you. Missed being with you."
She crawls up the bed and hands him one of the cups, which Jensen takes hesitantly and places on the nightstand, untouched. She's looking at him in a strange way, as if caught between her love and her hate for him, and Jensen almost understands her.
And then a thought hits him. "When did you get here?"
"Early," she replies, and looks down at Jensen with the smile still firm in her face. "Early enough to catch your boy just leaving."
Jensen feels the colour drain from his face and he sits up a bit, eyes searching hers. "I..."
"Don't worry, you don't have to explain anything to me," she tells him, and Jensen doesn't like in the least how relaxed she looks, how okay with the whole situation she seems. She's been suspicious of this for a long time, and she's not throwing it in Jensen's face? She's not using it to blame him now and for eternity? Something's definitely off. "I know nothing happened," she goes on. "Judging by the look on his face, I mean. Poor kid. Must've gotten his hopes so high."
Jensen feels sick. He can actually feel the bile making its way up his throat and he forces it down, taking a hand to his mouth and staring at his girlfriend's eyes. She knows - she knows everything, everything that happened between him and Jared, and this is what she's doing with it? Acting as if nothing had ever happened? And Jensen wants to defend Jared, wants to stand up for him because he's not some stupid kid who just read all the signs wrong - he's more than that, so much more, and he wants the whole world to know it. But he's lost and doesn't know how to act. He wasn't expecting this from Danneel.
"Jared's not some kid," he says, surprising himself. But Danneel looks down at him with what looks like a pitying expression in her face.
"I know," she answers. "Drink your coffee, Jensen."
He doesn't. He continues to stare at her for the entire half hour she sits at the bed, her fingers drumming against her thigh, eventually moving up to twirl her hair. She doesn't say anything else to Jensen and he doesn't break the silence, either.
After a while, Danneel gets up. She walks around the bed to grab Jensen's coffee and then leaves the room, her slippers dragging across the floor in a gesture that's so familiar to Jensen that it throws him off slightly.
This is Danneel trying to make things right. This is her willing to look past all the times he's fucked up just so they can still have that future they've dreamt of so many times, and Jensen, again, doesn't know what to do with it. He glances down at his phone, the screen fogged from his sweaty hand, and he wipes it with his finger to stare at Jared again.
He can't do this to Jared - go to him again and ask for forgiveness, ask for a second chance knowing that Jared will give it to him out of the love and the trust he holds for Jensen. He can't do it because he knows, in the end, he'll keep coming back to this. This safety he and Danneel have built for themselves, this routine of loving each other they've fallen into just because it's the easiest thing. In the end, he'll always come back to this because it's what he knows, what he's familiar with, and it doesn't scare him like being with Jared does - where it's all new and different.
And Danneel's here, just wanting to fix things. Doesn't he owe her at least that? She's giving him the chance to move past everything, and doesn't he owe her taking it and trying one more time?
Jensen runs a hand through his hair, ignores the pounding ache in his chest, and walks downstairs to join his fiancee.
He finds out the truth two days later, and he isn't surprised or shocked. Not even hurt. He thinks he's accepted what's been going on a long time ago without really realizing he has, and now the confirmation of his suspicions makes him feel, if anything, slightly less guilty for considering it, for doing the same thing himself.
Danneel's parents call two nights after her return. She's upstairs going through their DVD collection while Jensen's been left to keep an eye on the boiling pot that will be their dinner. Another evening in, pretending everything between them is alright. Jensen has both hands deep down his pockets, one of them gripping his phone, unconsciously waiting for it to vibrate with a message from Jared - but he knows it'll never come. A part of him wants to convince himself that maybe he missed it, that he should take his phone out to check, but he knows that the only reason he has to do that is to stare at the picture again, and that would only make the hole in his chest bigger, so he doesn't.
That's when the phone rings, and Jensen goes to the living room and picks it up quickly just to keep his mind busy with something else. A rough voice greets him from the other side of the line.
"Jensen, it's nice to hear from you," Richard, Danneel's father, tells him calmly. "It's been quite a while."
"Yes, it has," Jensen says, his heart speeding up uncomfortably. This is the man he's grown up wanting to be liked by, almost wanting to be like. The man that trusted his daughter to him. Jensen remembers how his kindness towards Jensen had disappeared completely the moment he'd found out Jensen was seeing Danneel, and how long it had taken Jensen to win that trust back. Just to lose it again. What is he doing?
"I don't blame you. I bet you two kids are busy with the preparations, right?" Richard goes on. "But I hope you can take a few hours off one of these days. Julia and I want to see you two at least once before the wedding." Jensen stays silent. "It's been months, if I'm not mistaken."
A pause that extends for too long makes Jensen force some words out of his mouth. "Yeah. Um, yeah, I'll - we'll definitely go see you as soon as possible."
"Great! Now, is Danneel around? I'd like to talk to her."
Jensen can barely register something close to fear and dread in his stomach, can feel his hand shaking. His eyes fall shut without him even noticing. "No. I, uh, she's out buying some things. Groceries. I'll tell her to call you when she gets back."
"That'd be great, thanks," Richard says, and then Jensen can hear him talking to someone on the other end. "Pleasure talking to you, son. Call us when you decide a date to come over here."
Jensen holds back a sigh. "Of course. Nice talking to you, too."
Danneel's father says a few more goodbyes and then they hang up, and Jensen remains standing there, eyes closed and leaning against the back of the couch. The faint sound of something in the pot gurgling reaches him from the kitchen.
"Who was that?"
Jensen opens his eyes and looks at Danneel, standing there in her most comfortable clothes, the ones she only wears when she's with him, the ones that used to make his whole body tingle pleasurably. She's holding a couple of DVD boxes in one of her hands, the other rubbing absently at her neck. She's beautiful. Jensen stares at her for what seems like hours, expressionless and numb. He should be angry, upset, disappointed, but he's not. He's just... there.
"It was your dad," he says, and watches Danneel's face closely to catch the exact moment in which all colour drains away and she visibly swallows. "He said he and your mom want to see us at least once before the wedding since it's been months any of us have been over there."
Danneel starts shaking her head. "Jen, baby, I-"
He cuts her off. "I was thinking we could go there next weekend. I've got my tux thing on Saturday morning, we can drive to theirs after that."
The room is silent for a split second, sizzling sounds coming from the kitchen, before Danneel pulls herself together and nods decisively. It's that gesture alone what represents what has just happened between them. They're doing this, then. They're putting everything to a side and ignoring all the shit they've both done, and they're doing it. Jensen doesn't know if it's for the best or not, but he doesn't even want to go there.
"I think something's burning," he points out, and a small smile appears in Danneel's face.
"Take out? Pizza?"
Jensen nods. "Definitely. You set the movies up, I'll go make the call."
Masterpost | Previous | Next
Author: gluckspirat
Artist: loverstar
Fandom: CW RPF
Genre: Slash, AU.
Pairing: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The following story is fiction and it never happened. I don't know nor own the characters.
Word count: 39,975
Summary: Jared's life finally seems to be on track: he's living with his friend Chad, studying what he loves, and now that he's working for his mother, he can afford both things. Even the introduction of Jensen Ackles to the picture doesn't appear to shake things up much - he's charming and hot and funny, and Jared feels an instant attraction, but it's just another crush on a straight guy and Jared's positive he'll get over it. That is, until Jensen starts flirting back and sending Jared mixed signs - which would be great, really, if it wasn't for the tiny little fact that Jensen's getting married, and that he's chosen Jared's mom's catering business to serve at his wedding.
Jensen walks into his house after more than half an hour of aimless driving. He's been dreading this moment in which he has nothing to busy his mind with and has to finally face what's happened with Jared, what's happening with Danneel, what's happening with his entire fucking life, really.
It doesn't help that Danneel is home and waiting up for him. He can see the flickering light and hear the voices of the TV coming from their bedroom, and the moment he shuts the door, the sounds are muted.
"Jen?"
Jensen freezes, his back against the door, feeling like an intruder in his own place, like he's been caught doing something wrong. "I thought you were going out," he calls.
There's silence for a few seconds, and then Danneel emerges from their room, wearing nothing but a small, cute piece of lingerie - that at one point in Jensen's life would have made him hard the second he saw it, and now only brings a frown to his face - and a pissed off expression to go with it. She folds her arms across her chest.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing." Jensen shrugs helplessly. "You said you had plans with your friends, that you were going out."
She narrows his eyes at him. "Well, I did, but I then decided to stay home instead and spend some time with my boyfriend." She motions with her hand at him, and only then takes in his dishevelled appearance. "God, look at the state of you! Where were you?"
He hasn't looked at himself in a mirror, and his entire body freezes at the idea that his hair is messy, or that he has a hickey, or even worse, a white stain in his pants that couldn't be confused with anything else.
He's quick to come up with a lie. "I was with Chris. You said you wouldn't be here, so we got together for dinner and..." he trails off as she sees her face change so abruptly that it's almost scary.
"Yeah?" She asks, and Jensen instantly knows he's fucked. "Because Chris called earlier, asking where you were and if you had plans for tomorrow." Danneel makes a pause, giving Jensen the chance to explain, but he's got no excuses for that, and he's had a quite crappy day to get his brain to work around it. "But I guess you two meet on a daily basis, now," she goes on. "How did you like being the third wheel, by the way? Chris said to warn you not to call him on his phone because he had a date."
Jensen's stomach is getting heavier and heavier, his entire body feels worn out, and his brain is screaming for a rest or a fucking release. So he just stands there; he stands there and looks at her, until she throws her arms in the air and storms into the room, only to come out fifteen minutes later, fully dressed and with a messy layer of make-up on.
As she approaches, Jensen moves away from the door. "Don't wait up," she spats in his direction.
He's too tired for this. He's too tired of this. "Where are you going?"
She pauses and turns around, her face completely blank. "Out."
"But where?"
"Seriously, Jensen?"
She stares at him with her eyebrows raised for a few seconds, then turns around and leaves, slamming the door behind her.
Jensen wakes up to find Danneel curled up under a blanket in the sofa, her make-up smeared across her face, hair all over the place, and shoes standing next to the door. That must've been why he didn't hear her last night, and he can't help but realize how good she's getting at sneaking out during the night and returning at God knows what time.
It's been going for more than a week, now. Jensen thinks he should be worried - he's not stupid, after all, and there's only so many things she can be doing alone at night that make her come back silent and tired and... satiated. And he didn't really need Danneel's friend calling to ask where she was to confirm his suspicions.
At times, Jensen wonders if he should just apologize and get it over with, since it's clear Danneel's still bitter over that night with Jared. But truth is, Jensen's not sorry for it - if anything, he's sorry he hasn't had the chance to see Jared again, just so much as glance at him, see his eyes or his smile, and it only takes that thought for him to realize how screwed he is. If there is anyone he feels he should apologize to, then it certainly isn't Danneel.
Apparently - and with good reasons, Jensen knows - Jared is, too, still bitter about that night and about Jensen bailing on him. Again. Which is totally understandable, really.
But Jensen doesn't know how to fix it. He cherishes mornings like this, when there's quiet and calmness and nothing but Danneel's soft snores coming from the living room, which he finds almost soothing - whether it's the sounds themselves he finds relaxing or because it's the only moment in which the two of them are at peace, he doesn't know. He sits at the kitchen table with his coffee and thinks of all the possible ways out of this. He'd call Misha or Chris, but deep down he knows he has to deal with this by himself.
Things are harder than that, though, because thinking of a solution is perfectly fine until he has to actually do it. Of course, the first option that comes to him is cutting everything off with Jared and going on as if he'd never met him - naturally, only seconds after thinking that, he finds himself hearing Jared's voicemail message before cowardly hanging up, and tells himself that it's going to be pretty hard to let go of him when he's falling quite hard for the guy.
Admitting that leads him to his second choice: calling off his marriage with Danneel. However, the idea of doing it, of facing Danneel and his parents and his friends, of giving up everything he's been building for years just for this thing with Jared that only has been going on for - what, weeks? - is terrifying as hell. Plus, he's not even sure he wants to.
There's a voice at the back of his head that speaks to him all the fucking time, reminds him of every single reason he wanted to marry Dani in the first place. Those reasons are still there, somewhere, even if he can't see them right now, he knows that. Or, at least, that's what he wants to believe.
In the end, mornings like this usually end up with him going out for a walk to clear his mind, then returning home to find Danneel ignoring him or, more often than not, gone and nowhere to be found. He has to admit that this is not doing anything to solve the situation he's put himself into. He's not moving in any direction, and honestly, if that's not Jensen being a coward, then he doesn't know what is.
So that morning, he tries to do something different and cooks up a large breakfast for his girlfriend - coffee, orange juice, bacon, cut-up fruit - which he leaves on the coffee table next to her as he leans down to wake her up.
"Dani?" He gives her shoulder another wake. "Hey, wake up."
With some groaning and muttering, Danneel's eyes open and she stares up at him groggily. She frowns at him instantly.
"'The fuck are you doing?"
Jensen can't help but smile - he'd always found Dani's aversion to mornings endearing. "I made you some breakfast," he says, nodding to the tray in front of them.
She does nothing but stare at the food for some seconds. "Are you fucking serious?" She tugs the blanket over her head. "I'm hungover, Jensen, not hungry. You should know this from all those times you've come home drunk after hanging out with your friends."
"Fine." Jensen bites back his answer and breathes deeply through his nose, trying to cool himself down. "Do you want me to bring you water and some pills for your headache?"
"I just want you to let me sleep."
Jensen can't hold back his sigh this time and he stands up and returns to the kitchen, taking the breakfast with him and dumping it all in the trash. There's a dull pressure against his heart that tells him he deserves this; he's done nothing but fuck people up lately, and he's fucked himself up in the process.
When Danneel finally gets up around half an hour later, she heads straight to the bathroom and spends some good time locked up there. She comes out showered and wearing clean clothes, make-up trying to cover up how shitty she feels, but Jensen sees right through it.
"You going out again?"
She stares at him for a couple of seconds, then nods. "Yes. You've got a problem with that?"
Jensen says nothing. He keeps glaring at the newspaper, moving his eyes randomly to pretend he's interested in some celebrity scandal. He sees her, out of the corner of his eyes, standing a few feet away, clutching her bag tightly against her chest. She looks vulnerable - scared, almost.
"Jensen. I'm going to spend the weekend at my parents' house."
Her voice is calm and steady, like there aren't a thousand meanings underneath her words that sting Jensen like poisoned needles. His glare shifts from the paper to her.
"Is their place closer to your favorite bar or something?" He snaps, and the moment her face instantly shuts down, he reminds himself he was trying to make things better, not worse. He raises one hand to rub the bridge of his nose, then drops it heavily over the table. "Listen, I... I'm sorry. You don't have to leave."
"I know that, but I want to. Jensen," she takes a few steps towards him, but stops when she's still out of his reach. Fuck, is this really what they've become? "I need some time, some space. I think we both do."
"No, we don't, Dani, dammit!" He sighs. "I can fix this, I know I can. But not when you're at the other side of town."
Her face is impassive as she shakes her head. "It's not something you have to fix. We've both made mistakes and we need to work on this together."
"I just don't see how us being apart is going to solve anything."
"It's not like living together is doing us any better, either."
Jensen doesn't answer. He stares at his lap, fidgets with a hole in his jeans, runs his finger over a stain at the table and, after a couple of minutes, he hears Danneel leave without saying another word.
He's alone. Okay, then.
The first thing Jensen does - after checking his voicemail in case Jared's called during the night - is turn his phone off. If Danneel wants to talk to him, she'll have to call to the house phone, and then he'll consider answering or not. He's being stubborn, he knows that, but he can't bring himself to care right now.
He orders two boxes of pizza for lunch, even if he only gets through three slices before feeling sick, and picks a couple of action DVDs that will require no thinking at all, other than man, that was a huge ass explosion.
It's nearly five, and he's starting his third movie, when he hears a knock on the front door, and the first person he thinks of is Jared - but since Jared obviously doesn't know where Jensen lives, he then thinks it's probably Danneel. Maybe she forgot something, maybe she came to realize that the only way of making things better is staying here and not running away.
He runs a hand through his hair before pulling the door open, only to find probably the last person he expected to see.
"What the - Chad?"
The blond man shoves Jensen out of the way and walks inside his apartment without waiting for an invitation, and by the time he reaches the middle of the room and turns around, Jensen's still standing by the door, jaw slack and eyebrows raised.
"Quit with the fucking staring and open up your fucking ears, pal, because I'm only going to say this shit once."
Jared hates this.
In extreme life-or-death situations which Jared knows will never come, he'd trust Chad with his life - he's sure of that, and he's sure Chad knows this, too. But things like these - forcing Jared into a car and driving him to some place without telling him where or why, only repeating over and over that it's the best for both of them - make Jared feel uneasy. He just wants to get back home and curl up in his bed like he's been doing for the past week.
They park in front of a nice house only eight or nine blocks away from Padalecki Delight, and Jared can't help but frown. Chad's plans of cheering Jared up have always included Chad picking up a guy for his friend - with time you'll learn, Jay-boy, that sex is always the best solution - so Jared was expecting something more like a bar. It's a Saturday night, after all, and he doesn't know why they're in front of what could possibly be some shady guy's house.
Until an idea hits him.
"Chad."
His friend looks innocently at him. "Yeah?"
"Dude, swear to me this isn't Tom's house," Jared practically growls, his stomach already turning unpleasantly at the thought. "Me and him will never work out, and the poor guy doesn't deserve to be treated as rebound."
But Chad smiles at him and raises both hands defensively. "Fine, I swear. It's not Tom's house."
"It better not be," Jared says, but he feels slightly better already.
"Just trust me, yeah?"
Jared does. Pushing his doubts aside, he watches Chad drive off, then walks up to the entrance door. The front yard is slightly unkempt, and the lack of garden gnomes and other must-be's that Jared's always hated contrast with the rest of the houses in the block, which he's grateful for. There's probably very few things that Jared finds creepier than flamingos coming out from the ground as if they were plants.
Once he reaches the doorway, he stares at the house number trying to see if he can make anything from it, but it doesn't ring any bells in the slightest. He tries to think whose place this could be, and his mind goes through the craziest options until he gives up and decides to knock.
There's nothing but silence. He waits for a few seconds, then knocks again. This time, a gruff voice carries from the other side of the door.
"Alright, I'm coming! Jesus."
Jared panics and his legs freeze. He recognizes that voice, would recognize it through the thickest walls - it's Jensen's. Chad brought him to Jensen's house, the fucker.
Jared considers fleeing, and actually looks around to see if there are any bushes he could hide behind until Jensen thought there was nobody there, and so then he could run away. But there's absolutely nothing - not even one fucking flamingo to crouch next to, not that Jared could be disguised by a plastic flamingo, anyway - and the next thing he knows, the door is being pulled open and Jensen's standing there, wearing a tight, black shirt and worn-out jeans that are long enough to cover most of his bare feet.
"Jared?"
He actually sounds surprised, Jared will give him that. Jared feels his throat closing. "You told Chad to bring me here?"
"What?" Jensen's eyes widen in confusion. "What're you - aw, fuck. Chad." Jensen looks down and rubs the back of his neck, then throws a glance over his shoulder at the inside of his house. "Guess I now get why he told me to clean up."
Jared frowns. "Wait, you weren't in on this with Chad? You didn't know he was bringing me here?"
It's unbelievable that Jared hasn't seen Jensen in more than a week, and that, when he finally does, they end up talking about Chad again. Jensen looks ten times hotter than Jared remembered, and seeing him like this, all... domestic and relaxed, makes Jared's stomach flip. He wants to get out of there before Jensen fucks him over once more, but at the same time, he wants to stay, wants to get to know Jensen's house and spend some time with him in there.
"He paid me a visit earlier," Jensen says, pulling Jared out of his thoughts. "Asked me a couple of stuff, wanted to know if I cared about you and everything, and..." Jensen chuckles, then rubs the back of his neck again. Jared wants to take his hands in his and stop him from doing that. "Sorry. I would've told him not to if I'd known."
"Oh. Right." Of course; under the current circumstances, Jared can never spend time at Jensen's house. "I'll just, um. I'll go, before Danneel gets the wrong idea or something."
Jensen suddenly grips Jared's arm to stop him, even if Jared hasn't moved at all. "Hey, no, wait, I didn't mean it like that. Danneel - she's not even here, I just - I thought you didn't want to see me again, so... I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or anything."
"Oh." Jared can feel his heart picking up under the heat of Jensen's hand.
"You want to come in, then?"
Jared's being pulled inside before the idea of saying no even crosses his mind. Jensen closes the door behind him and pushes Jared against it, bringing their faces close together.
"I know I'm a jerk, and that I owe you an explanation, I just-"
But Jared doesn't want to hear it. Because really, what could Jensen possibly say to make this any better? Nothing will make up for the fact that Jensen's going to marry Danneel, and Jared's too gone for him already to try and pretend he's better than that - but he can push the thought to the back of his mind and try to make the most of it while he can.
Jensen apparently reads all the thoughts going through Jared's head and, wasting no more time, he brings their lips together. To Jared, it feels like he's finally getting something he's addicted to - which is probably what it is, anyway. Jensen's lips are slightly chapped and warm, and he kisses Jared like there's no tomorrow, holding his hands over his head and keeping their hips pressed together.
After some minutes, Jensen pulls back and lets his forehead drop on Jared's shoulder, his own heaving up and down as he tries to catch his breath.
"Fuck, I missed that," he mumbles against Jared's jacket. "I missed you."
Jared tries to ignore the giddiness inside him and chooses not to answer. He frees one of his hands and runs it through Jensen's hair, down his back and to Jensen's hips, and he squeezes gently. Glancing over Jensen's shoulder, he catches the flickering of a turned on TV.
"Did I interrupt you in the middle of a movie or something?"
Jensen lifts his head up and looks at Jared. "Yeah, but I've only seen it like thirty times before," he says with a smile. "Tour of the house?"
"Uh, sure."
Jensen's place is something Jared instantly falls in love with. It's not too big, not at all presumptuous - it's warm and welcoming, with some family pictures on the walls and a couple of plants, a large kitchen which Jared's mom would love, and a neat guestroom that apparently Jensen uses to put in all his stuff that hasn't found its own place somewhere else in the house.
There's a queen bed in the middle, and against one of the corners stands a huge CD tower that, Jared notices, is mostly 80's rock and metal, and a couple of country artists. A few feet away, in a stand that makes it look almost too majestic, is Jensen's guitar. Jared approaches it and goes to pick it up when he notices the thin layer of dust covering it.
He remembers the passion with which Jensen had talked about his music one afternoon at Jared's place and frowns. "When was the last time you played?" he asks.
Jensen shrugs, pushes himself off the frame of the door he's leaning against and walks up to Jared. One hand naturally curls around Jared's hip as Jensen stands behind him.
"Couple of months, give or take," Jensen tells him, and though he tries to come off as nonchalant, Jared doesn't miss the slight hint of resentment in his tone. "With the whole wedding shit, and Danneel moving in, there just - I haven't had time to sit down and play something."
"We have time now."
"I, uh," Jensen lets out a soft chuckle. His cheeks flush, and he shakes his head with a grin, almost shy. "I don't know. We'll see."
Jared's stomach reacts at Jensen looking so adorable, and he grins teasingly. "Why? You're that bad, Ackles?"
"Only as bad as you in photography."
Jared throws his head back in a laugh. "If I had my camera here, I'd prove you wrong."
Jensen hums in response and then, with a small grin, starts poking Jared's side with something that Jared discovers to be Jensen's phone when he looks down. "Next best thing, huh?"
Jared stares at the phone for a few minutes, confused. Jensen continues to look at him with a grin, and then, when Jared still doesn't react, lets out a short sigh and nudges Jared's hip with his at the same time he raises up his arm. Jensen's cheeks are still flushed slightly, and Jared, who's never seen Jensen not being his usual confident self, feels a selfish delight run through him at the sight.
"Smile," Jensen tells him, even if he doesn't have to - they're both wearing identical grins on their faces as the phone lets out a barely audible click. Jensen turns the phone around again and looks at the screen. "I'm quite the photographer," he points out.
Jared rolls his eyes. "I bet. Let me see."
But Jensen puts the phone back in his pocket. "Nope," he says, and reaches out to grip Jared's wrist. "We gotta finish the tour."
It's a strange night. They sit at Jensen's couch eating pizza and watching one of Jensen's movies, talking and catching up as if it hadn't been a quite bad situation what had kept them apart, and it almost feels like one of those nights they used to spend at Jared's, hanging out with the dogs and hearing about the other's lives, getting to know each other. Those days that seem to Jared like they were years ago.
When Jared glances at Jensen, he sees how relaxed he looks, a small smile dancing along his lips, and he can't help but wonder where Danneel is. She's not there, and Jared is, and it makes his stomach twist unpleasantly. Jared remembers how he used to hate those people, the kind that mess with others' relationships, who get involved with someone knowing they're with somebody else. Now he's one of them, and he hates himself a bit for it.
So the question is out of his lips before he can stop it. "Where's Danneel?"
Jensen looks at him from the other end of the sofa, still smiling a bit - Jared now thinks it might be for all the empty beer bottles scattered around them. "Not here," Jensen murmurs.
"Clearly," Jared answers, and he doesn't try to stop the smile that forms at his lips at the way Jensen's looking at him - a bit drunk, a bit dazed, a smirk at his lips, completely sexy. "But is she coming back?"
Jared hates how hopeful his question sounds, how bad it actually is that he's willing to break this girl's heart just to get what he wants, but when it comes to Jensen, Jared just feels incredibly selfish. It doesn't ease the discomfort inside him, though.
"Who knows?" Jensen says after a while.
And Jared doesn't fight back when Jensen takes him upstairs to the guest bedroom and pushes him down to the bed. He does nothing to stop him as Jensen unbuttons his shirt and tugs down his jeans, pulls off his socks, and sucks bruises into Jared's neck and chest.
Jared tangles his fingers in Jensen's hair and pulls slightly, tries to let himself enjoy this just because he can - just because he can have this right here and right now, and probably not ever again. However, a voice in the back of his head doesn't let him fully relax. It's too weird, knowing this is Jensen's and Danneel's house, that this is where they plan their wedding, where they sit and talk for hours - even if it's just the guestroom, Jared knows they've been in here together, that they've kissed in this very same room. Being in Jensen's place is suddenly making everything too real. He has to make a huge effort to keep Danneel out of his head, and he wonders if Jensen's having the same problem.
He gets his answer when he feels something dampen the skin of his neck - something most definitely not coming from Jensen's mouth - and he finds himself gripping Jensen's hair tighter, his other hand going around his shoulders to hold him as Jensen's entire body shakes with his sobs.
"I'm sorry. I can't - can't do this to her," Jensen chokes out.
Jared feels his heart clench both at Jensen's pain and at his own. He wishes he hadn't shown up there, wishes Chad had never tried to make things better for him, because this right here is the confirmation to what Jared knew deep down all along. He's no better than Danneel, he's never going to get chosen over her, and the worst part of it all? Jared might not even want to.
Not if it makes Jensen hurt like this, not if it destroys him and rips him apart with guilt and sorrow, thinking he's ruining both Jared's and Danneel's lives. And maybe he is. Maybe that's all they've been doing, just hurting each other, pointlessly hurting each other as they head down a road they both know is a dead end.
And Jared wants Jensen with all his heart - he wants to be able to be there for him, wants to grow old with him, wants the chance to prove him how much love he can give him. He knows they could make each other so happy if they ever have the chance. But that's the thing - they don't. Jensen's going to marry Danneel one way or another, whatever happens, and the best they can do is put an end to this. The best Jared can do is be the smarter one and leave.
His arms tighten around Jensen's body, now considerably more relaxed, though Jared can still feel the tears falling against his neck.
But maybe he can allow himself to have this one last thing, he thinks. Just a little longer of this, of Jensen, and of comforting him and trying to comfort him. Maybe he can enjoy this night before stepping out of Jensen's life for good.
Jensen wakes up to find himself all alone in a strange bed, the sun entering the room through windows without curtains and from the wrong direction, and the memories from the previous night hit him straight to the chest and leave him breathless and choking for air. He shuts his eyes tight and tries to push down the feeling of emptiness that is spreading through all his body.
Jared was here. Jared was here, in this room, and he fucked up. Again. And Jensen's somehow sure that this was the last time. No more chances, he doesn't deserve them - not from Jared.
He rolls to his back and stares at the ceiling, and his fingers twitch in desire to reach out for the warmth that was next to him last night and is now gone. In between all the uncomfortable and painful feelings flowing throw his body, Jensen vaguely registers something poking him in the leg and reaches out to pull it out of his pocket to ease the slight sting. He stops himself from tossing the object away when he sees it's his phone.
His heart suddenly speeding up, he goes through the menu and into his files, scrolls down pictures of him and Danneel, him and Chris, and finally reaches the last one. Looking up at him with a wide grin, breathtaking dimples deep into his cheeks and eyes shining, Jared, gorgeous as ever. Jensen's standing behind him, an arm around his waist, face looking flushed and cracked in a smile Jensen hasn't seen in himself for a long time. The photo is beautiful and makes his heart ache, and he doesn't hesitate and sets it as the screen background so that he can see it whenever he uses his phone. A reminder of the best thing that has happened to him. A reminder of what he could've had - of what he doesn't deserve.
He's still staring at his phone, thumb clicking the 4 button every now and then to stop the screen from going black, when he catches the shadow of someone standing at the door of the room, and he looks up quickly, heart pounding.
"Hey."
The voice is soft and gentle and conciliatory, and Jensen hates it because it's the last thing he wants to hear right now. Not the person he was expecting to see at all. Danneel is wearing one of his old shirts, the one that looks huge on her and that goes down to the middle of her thighs, and a pair of blue slippers. She holds two coffee cups in her hands, and offers Jensen a smile.
"You're here," he says with a frown. He's still clutching his phone in his hand, his fingers closing around the screen as if the photo were to suddenly disappear to never be seen again. "I thought you said - you're here too soon."
If Danneel senses the unwelcoming tone in Jensen's voice, she doesn't show it. "I know, I know, I just - my parents were being a pain in the ass, and I... I missed you. Missed being with you."
She crawls up the bed and hands him one of the cups, which Jensen takes hesitantly and places on the nightstand, untouched. She's looking at him in a strange way, as if caught between her love and her hate for him, and Jensen almost understands her.
And then a thought hits him. "When did you get here?"
"Early," she replies, and looks down at Jensen with the smile still firm in her face. "Early enough to catch your boy just leaving."
Jensen feels the colour drain from his face and he sits up a bit, eyes searching hers. "I..."
"Don't worry, you don't have to explain anything to me," she tells him, and Jensen doesn't like in the least how relaxed she looks, how okay with the whole situation she seems. She's been suspicious of this for a long time, and she's not throwing it in Jensen's face? She's not using it to blame him now and for eternity? Something's definitely off. "I know nothing happened," she goes on. "Judging by the look on his face, I mean. Poor kid. Must've gotten his hopes so high."
Jensen feels sick. He can actually feel the bile making its way up his throat and he forces it down, taking a hand to his mouth and staring at his girlfriend's eyes. She knows - she knows everything, everything that happened between him and Jared, and this is what she's doing with it? Acting as if nothing had ever happened? And Jensen wants to defend Jared, wants to stand up for him because he's not some stupid kid who just read all the signs wrong - he's more than that, so much more, and he wants the whole world to know it. But he's lost and doesn't know how to act. He wasn't expecting this from Danneel.
"Jared's not some kid," he says, surprising himself. But Danneel looks down at him with what looks like a pitying expression in her face.
"I know," she answers. "Drink your coffee, Jensen."
He doesn't. He continues to stare at her for the entire half hour she sits at the bed, her fingers drumming against her thigh, eventually moving up to twirl her hair. She doesn't say anything else to Jensen and he doesn't break the silence, either.
After a while, Danneel gets up. She walks around the bed to grab Jensen's coffee and then leaves the room, her slippers dragging across the floor in a gesture that's so familiar to Jensen that it throws him off slightly.
This is Danneel trying to make things right. This is her willing to look past all the times he's fucked up just so they can still have that future they've dreamt of so many times, and Jensen, again, doesn't know what to do with it. He glances down at his phone, the screen fogged from his sweaty hand, and he wipes it with his finger to stare at Jared again.
He can't do this to Jared - go to him again and ask for forgiveness, ask for a second chance knowing that Jared will give it to him out of the love and the trust he holds for Jensen. He can't do it because he knows, in the end, he'll keep coming back to this. This safety he and Danneel have built for themselves, this routine of loving each other they've fallen into just because it's the easiest thing. In the end, he'll always come back to this because it's what he knows, what he's familiar with, and it doesn't scare him like being with Jared does - where it's all new and different.
And Danneel's here, just wanting to fix things. Doesn't he owe her at least that? She's giving him the chance to move past everything, and doesn't he owe her taking it and trying one more time?
Jensen runs a hand through his hair, ignores the pounding ache in his chest, and walks downstairs to join his fiancee.
He finds out the truth two days later, and he isn't surprised or shocked. Not even hurt. He thinks he's accepted what's been going on a long time ago without really realizing he has, and now the confirmation of his suspicions makes him feel, if anything, slightly less guilty for considering it, for doing the same thing himself.
Danneel's parents call two nights after her return. She's upstairs going through their DVD collection while Jensen's been left to keep an eye on the boiling pot that will be their dinner. Another evening in, pretending everything between them is alright. Jensen has both hands deep down his pockets, one of them gripping his phone, unconsciously waiting for it to vibrate with a message from Jared - but he knows it'll never come. A part of him wants to convince himself that maybe he missed it, that he should take his phone out to check, but he knows that the only reason he has to do that is to stare at the picture again, and that would only make the hole in his chest bigger, so he doesn't.
That's when the phone rings, and Jensen goes to the living room and picks it up quickly just to keep his mind busy with something else. A rough voice greets him from the other side of the line.
"Jensen, it's nice to hear from you," Richard, Danneel's father, tells him calmly. "It's been quite a while."
"Yes, it has," Jensen says, his heart speeding up uncomfortably. This is the man he's grown up wanting to be liked by, almost wanting to be like. The man that trusted his daughter to him. Jensen remembers how his kindness towards Jensen had disappeared completely the moment he'd found out Jensen was seeing Danneel, and how long it had taken Jensen to win that trust back. Just to lose it again. What is he doing?
"I don't blame you. I bet you two kids are busy with the preparations, right?" Richard goes on. "But I hope you can take a few hours off one of these days. Julia and I want to see you two at least once before the wedding." Jensen stays silent. "It's been months, if I'm not mistaken."
A pause that extends for too long makes Jensen force some words out of his mouth. "Yeah. Um, yeah, I'll - we'll definitely go see you as soon as possible."
"Great! Now, is Danneel around? I'd like to talk to her."
Jensen can barely register something close to fear and dread in his stomach, can feel his hand shaking. His eyes fall shut without him even noticing. "No. I, uh, she's out buying some things. Groceries. I'll tell her to call you when she gets back."
"That'd be great, thanks," Richard says, and then Jensen can hear him talking to someone on the other end. "Pleasure talking to you, son. Call us when you decide a date to come over here."
Jensen holds back a sigh. "Of course. Nice talking to you, too."
Danneel's father says a few more goodbyes and then they hang up, and Jensen remains standing there, eyes closed and leaning against the back of the couch. The faint sound of something in the pot gurgling reaches him from the kitchen.
"Who was that?"
Jensen opens his eyes and looks at Danneel, standing there in her most comfortable clothes, the ones she only wears when she's with him, the ones that used to make his whole body tingle pleasurably. She's holding a couple of DVD boxes in one of her hands, the other rubbing absently at her neck. She's beautiful. Jensen stares at her for what seems like hours, expressionless and numb. He should be angry, upset, disappointed, but he's not. He's just... there.
"It was your dad," he says, and watches Danneel's face closely to catch the exact moment in which all colour drains away and she visibly swallows. "He said he and your mom want to see us at least once before the wedding since it's been months any of us have been over there."
Danneel starts shaking her head. "Jen, baby, I-"
He cuts her off. "I was thinking we could go there next weekend. I've got my tux thing on Saturday morning, we can drive to theirs after that."
The room is silent for a split second, sizzling sounds coming from the kitchen, before Danneel pulls herself together and nods decisively. It's that gesture alone what represents what has just happened between them. They're doing this, then. They're putting everything to a side and ignoring all the shit they've both done, and they're doing it. Jensen doesn't know if it's for the best or not, but he doesn't even want to go there.
"I think something's burning," he points out, and a small smile appears in Danneel's face.
"Take out? Pizza?"
Jensen nods. "Definitely. You set the movies up, I'll go make the call."
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