I wish I'd stopped in Colby, Kansas to see that 8,000 pound prairie dog of which the billboards were warning. Some people think it was probably a statue, but I've decided to believe in 8,000 pound prairie dogs.

Herein lies the reason that I am the best amateur indoor soccer trashtalker who has ever trashtalked across the amateur indoor soccer trashtalkosphere ( Read more... )

Thing the First: If you have to sneeze while shaving, it is best to take a momentary reprieve from shaving while you sneeze. Trying to push on through generally results in open wounds ( Read more... )

Greatest thing everWoman on the Common begging for money, mumbling that she couldn't get a job because she didn't have a skull. "Go on, feel it. Feel my brains. They're mushy ( Read more... )

Dear Becca,

Do you believe in premarital sass?

Love, gavin

In "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," has anyone ever noticed that they call a suicide squeeze with two outs?

There's something seriously wrong with the world today.

Love,
gavin

I wish that I could do the first twenty-three years of my life over again ( Read more... )

Okay, this is getting absurd:

Last night I dreamt that I was the script-writer in a porno starring Oscar the Grouch.

I had a nightmare last night. It's going to sound like a funny dream, but it wasn't. It was a nightmare ( Read more... )

During the last half hour of work yesterday, I learned that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are an item, that Paris Hilton is getting married, and the identity of Deep Throat.

It was one of the most surreal half hours of my life.