I used to be very much the same, but it was more like a 98/2 split. I still get hit by intense waves of "oh my god, that was horrible" where I remember every bad detail from the better majority of my life, but they're less frequent. I'm not entirely certain what changed. Maybe it was that I went on a rash wave of intentionally doing stupid things (mostly in harmless circumstances) until I realized that life does in fact go on. Volume dulls the pain somewhat. At any rate, I hope you find your way through. You're funny and bright, but you're just like everyone else: human.
"Homer: You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human. Ned: Ho ho, now why would I be afraid of that? Homer: Because humans are obnoxious, sometimes. Humans hate things. Ned: Well, maybe a few of them do... back East."
Boy, I found myself identifying a *lot* with that episode, let me tell ya.
There's a lot of sense behind what you say there, about volume. It's the *initial* shock to the system that has me so timid, I guess.
Also, please don't feel pressured to make every post the most awesome post it ever could possibly be. I know I do that sometimes, and then I end up not posting anything because it doesn't live up to my impossible standards. It's okay if it's not perfect. Really and truly. And even if you might not think something's your best post, others might completely love it.
I try, but gosh, it is *so* difficult for me sometimes. About half the time, I'm ridiculously pleased with my writing (at times, far past the point it merits); the rest of the time, I feel like burning it as soon as the ink is dry (metaphorically speaking, where applicable).
Sometimes I flip back through my old papers from middle school, high school, even college. There are a few gems in there, but oftentimes, I start feeling *physically* squeamish:
"Ugh. ...Did *I* write *this*? This is *garbage*! Oh, I even got an 'A' on this, too. Jeez...how bad would it have to have been to get a 'C'? ...Quick, hide it! Bury it back in the pile!"
One positive thing to come out of this feeling, though, is that it is an irrefutable proof that I *have* been changing, and learning, over the years.
If it makes you feel any better, I think this caution and tendency to remember every instance of negative social reinforcement is a side-effect of being more intelligent than normal people.
Honestly, I hadn't realized how common these feelings apparently are. It changes the social calculus quite a bit if I go in with the working assumption that *most* people are thinking like this to some degree, instead of just me.
Since you mentioned it, I've also heard that alcohol consumption has, among its many effects, the tendency to lower sensitivity to negative social stimuli.
So, I--being a teetotaller--am still screwed. Ah, well.
Comments 7
<3
Reply
Ned: Ho ho, now why would I be afraid of that?
Homer: Because humans are obnoxious, sometimes. Humans hate things.
Ned: Well, maybe a few of them do... back East."
Boy, I found myself identifying a *lot* with that episode, let me tell ya.
There's a lot of sense behind what you say there, about volume. It's the *initial* shock to the system that has me so timid, I guess.
Anyway, thanks very much for your support.
Reply
Mainly, though, I wanted to comment and say that it's good to see you on LJ again. I've missed seeing you and your awesomeness, so welcome back!
Reply
Reply
I try, but gosh, it is *so* difficult for me sometimes. About half the time, I'm ridiculously pleased with my writing (at times, far past the point it merits); the rest of the time, I feel like burning it as soon as the ink is dry (metaphorically speaking, where applicable).
Sometimes I flip back through my old papers from middle school, high school, even college. There are a few gems in there, but oftentimes, I start feeling *physically* squeamish:
"Ugh. ...Did *I* write *this*? This is *garbage*! Oh, I even got an 'A' on this, too. Jeez...how bad would it have to have been to get a 'C'? ...Quick, hide it! Bury it back in the pile!"
One positive thing to come out of this feeling, though, is that it is an irrefutable proof that I *have* been changing, and learning, over the years.
"And that is an encouraging thought."
Reply
If it makes you feel any better, I think this caution and tendency to remember every instance of negative social reinforcement is a side-effect of being more intelligent than normal people.
We're depressed because we're geniuses!
God, I need a drink.
Reply
Since you mentioned it, I've also heard that alcohol consumption has, among its many effects, the tendency to lower sensitivity to negative social stimuli.
So, I--being a teetotaller--am still screwed. Ah, well.
Reply
Leave a comment