Fic: A Hole in the World (part 2/4)
part 1
When SGA-4 makes it back to Atlantis, a technician has already gathered for them the video feed of the gate room of the last 28 hours and they've seen Rodney effectively go out with the team the previous afternoon, and not one image of him coming back. In fact, the gate had not opened again until much later that evening, when SGA-2 came back from their own mission.
John's fear is that a solar flare has played the same trick it had done to him a couple of years ago, and that it sent Rodney to Atlantis at some other time. If so, they are way more than fucked because John can't dedicate his life to program a hologram to save Rodney's ass. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he's no Rodney and he'd never succeed. It enrages him, but John knows his limitations. But Radek is assuring everyone that he has triple checked that there has been no unusual activity that could have messed with the wormhole.
"If he wasn't displaced in time, then where the hell is he?" John asks.
"Not on Atlantis," Radek says, crossing his arms defensively. He knows it's not the answer John wanted to hear.
"Okay, so let's go through this again. Let's start by the beginning. Major?"
Major Kersey has been competently leading SG-4 for three years now, and John has complete trust in his judgment, usually. He wonders what the hell went wrong, here.
"Dr. McKay met us in the locker rooms, already geared up. He announced that he'd be coming with us to YY7-636." Major Kersey reports.
"When was this?" John asks.
"1330, fifteen minutes before the mission. It surprised me because it was the first time I heard that he was supposed to come with us, but Dr. McKay just insisted again and again on how we had to go, to get ready already, that he didn't have all day," Kersey says.
"It didn't seem weird?" John asks.
"Not to be impertinent, Sir, but from my experience it's pretty much the usual."
He might not be wrong.
"So he was in a hurry to leave, did he act strangely?" John asks.
"Well he was out of breath and a bit red, as if he had run around, and kept looking at his watch. Again I just thought he was in a hurry, as always," Kersey says.
"Did he take anything? Say something else?" John asks.
He fidgets a bit.
"I must admit that I don't always listen to all of the muttering Dr McKay does," he says.
John is fighting the urge to throttle him, but if he's honest with himself, he zones out on McKay all the time, too.
"He was swearing quite creatively," Coleman, the team's scientist says. "I was a bit surprised because he insults and raves, but he's rarely crass. He did notice my interest and glared daggers until I minded my own business."
Having been on the receiving end of those glares, John can understand the reflex to back up and he doesn't have Rodney as a boss.
"This is important, whatever you heard, we need to know," Woolsey insists.
Coleman sighs.
"He was mostly cursing the Ancients and I maybe heard something about dreams becoming nightmares. That he'd show the son of bitches whatever, I didn't get what. He didn't seem scared, but really, really pissed off."
Coleman stops talking, and throws a look at her team leader for support.
"That's true, nothing in Dr McKay's attitude spoke of imminent danger, save from the fact he was in a hurry to go," Kersey confirms.
John grits his teeth: he knows that Rodney overcomes his panic if he's in a dangerous situation, becoming highly focused on the task at hand, so it doesn't mean anything. What speaks to John more is how fucking fast he's gotten out of Atlantis, from the message about the machine left on the computer to getting out the gate, all geared up.
"What did he have on him?" John asks. "When he got in the locker room?"
Major Kersey frowns at him.
"In gear you mean? He was in full uniform, thigh holster too, and had a backpack. He took the tac vest from his locker and then he doubled checked his P-90 before strapping it on too."
Sergeant Smith pipes up.
"He put a couple extra P-90 clips in his backpack. And some for his handgun in his tac vest."
John meets Ronon's eyes over the table and he's pretty sure they have matching raised eyebrows.
"McKay took extra ammo?" Ronon asks. Rodney always has to be forced to take ammo, which takes precious space that would better used, if you believe him, by electronic equipment. "To go to the market on YY7-636?"
Said like that, it speaks volumes. Major Kersey looks stricken.
"I... I didn't realize it was unusual. I just thought he..." he trails off.
"You just thought he was paranoid," John spat. Kersey avoids his eyes.
Sergeant Smith takes the relay.
"I did his buddy check, all was fine, and helped him put on his backpack. He almost bit my head off, urging me to be careful with it and that there was a computer in there. It was kind of heavy."
"He had his tablet too, right?" Zelenka asks.
"Yes, in his hands. And a life sign detector in his tac vest."
It's a lot of gear for an errand. Obviously Rodney knew he would not get back to Atlantis right away, and was preparing for the worst. It makes everything even more confusing. Why hasn't he talked to anyone?
"So in fifteen you were all geared up and went to the gate room," Lorne says.
"Yes. Then we got to YY7-636, and walked to the market."
"Where was Rodney?" Teyla asks. When met with confused stares, she patiently explains what she means. "As you walked towards the market, what was Dr. McKay's position in the group?"
"In front, he was walking first in line, and fast at that. Kept muttering that he didn't have all day and just fucking hurry already. Sorry ma'am, his words," Smith says.
Teyla looks at John pointedly. Yeah, John agrees with a nod, it's once again out of character for Rodney, who rarely walks in front unless he's running for his life.
"So you got to the market and then what?" John urges him on.
"We were going to the negotiation tents, as planned, but then Dr. McKay turned right around saying what he needed was a bit further down that particular lane," Smith says. He must sense that John is about to berate them for letting him go, so he quickly continues. "Major Kersey gestured me to be his shadow, and when Dr. McKay turned around after maybe 10 meters and saw I was following him, he started protesting that he was able to shop without a bodyguard and generally tried to get me to go. I was having none of that and he quickly realized it, and then went about his business, only stopping at the shop he was looking for."
John is starting to think that going to the market and whatever Rodney bought was not something he needed for his job or even for himself. All evidence hints that Rodney was just trying to find a way to get the hell out of dodge without raising too much suspicion on Atlantis. But that doesn't tell John why, and maybe what Rodney bought is a clue.
"And? What was it?"
"He bought a knife with its sheath. Didn't even bargain with the weapon merchant, who knew him by the way," Sergeant Smith says.
Ronon perks up.
"Alorian?"
"Yes, that's what Dr. McKay called him," Smith confirms.
Alorian is a survivor from Sateda, and they meet him from time to time in the markets that move from planet to planet upon a schedule and itinerary that John has never grasped. He keeps quality equipment, but it's generally not something Rodney's interested in.
"That's weird," Ronon says. "My birthday is not even close."
There's no birthday soon, not Team anyway, and if Rodney buying a knife as a gift is imaginable, that he'd get one for himself seems ridiculous. On the other hand, Rodney stocking on ammo is even more far-fetched and he'd done it.
"Once he paid Alorian, Dr. McKay said he was done and we finally could go to the negotiation tents."
"But that's when he said he wanted to go back to Atlantis, since he was wasting his precious time," Lorne deduces.
"Yes. As I said over the comm. earlier, I never left him one second until we reached the gate. He didn't speak to anyone either. As soon as he got to the DHD he punched an address, then fiddled with his IDC, and went through the puddle."
"You assumed it was Atlantis," Zelenka speaks up.
"I had no reason to think otherwise," Smith says defensively.
"But you did not take notice of the symbols he pressed down," Zelenka asks.
"I was not looking, no. I was watching the perimeter, making sure that no one was in range to see the address McKay was punching, to be certain that Atlantis' addy is not diffused."
It's standard procedure, a procedure John has set up himself and insisted on again and again. It makes the fact that they have no clue what address Rodney has used even more frustrating. McKay certainly knows about perimeter watch, and has most probably used that knowledge to slip out. The only thing that is clear in the whole situation is that everything happened really fast, that Rodney obviously wanted out of Atlantis and that he has not told anyone the reason behind that choice.
"Well guys, it seems that Rodney tricked us all. And I want to know why," John says.
***
The more they talk in circles, the less John understands why Rodney has left without saying anything. It seems to originate from the Ancient machine with the warning, and the hour at which the message had been typed makes it the last thing Rodney worked on before leaving. For Rodney to go back to his room - even by transporter -, change, pack and be in the locker room in thirty minutes means that he had basically not lost a second.
"What did that computer tell you, Radek?" John asks.
"Rodney had been working on that Ancient machine for several days. There's data from testing, but from what I have gathered, this was not the only computer in the experiment."
John frowns.
"Meaning?"
"This computer was hooked to the Ancient machine and used for testing and basic simulations," Zelenka explains. "But a second computer was there too, there is evidence of a network and how the link was severed about at the time of the warning. I think the second computer was monitoring the way data flowed from the device to this one."
"Could it be the one Rodney was carrying in his backpack?" John asks.
Radek nods.
"Probably."
"Any idea what that Ancient machine does, yet? Is there need to have a contingency plan?" Woolsey asks. He's been mostly silent through the procedures, asking for details here and there.
Everyone that has been in Atlantis from the beginning or read the reports remembers the nanovirus when they lost Wagner, Dumais and Johnson; the exploding tumor device, too.
"If we stay out of the laboratory, I am sure it is safe. If I understand correctly the notes and data, the Ancient device can most probably read your mind," Zelenka explains.
"Come again?" John says, surprised.
"It could be possible that the machine literally reads the thoughts of the person it is connected to. Rodney seemed to be testing how to translate the impression the machine gathered from his head to be rendered in a digital form."
John didn't like the idea that a device could get in his head and see what's in there. He's always considered himself a very private person and having his thoughts read? No thank you.
"Does it work?" he asks warily.
"I cannot say for now. I need more time. But we know there is a strong mental component for a lot of technology here, and already it has access to your thoughts."
Funny how John had never seen it from that angle before. Atlantis has probably been reading all of their minds since they've gotten here. John wonders if she regrets opening up for them.
"So what is the difference with this machine, then?" Woolsey asks.
"You think of something, and it is processed by the Machine, and then appears on the computer."
Zelenka has several windows open and pulls a couple on to the projector.
"I went chronologically through the results, at least the ones in this computer."
The first image Zelenka shows them is so complex, it's useless. The second is a perfectly rendered 3D cube. Then an office chair, with labeled parts.
"After a false start, Rodney was testing the device with increasingly complex objects."
Zelenka goes through several files, and when John sees the puddle jumper, he has to take a breath. It's incredibly detailed, as much with the physical components as the systems making the jumper work, with various bubbles for auxiliary functions, but on the whole, remains extremely organized, with color codes. It's magnificent.
"That's how Rodney pictures it in his mind?" John says, awed.
"Yes," Zelenka says. "Rodney, he... he always brags at how much of a genius he is but this..."
Yeah. Well it sure proves that without a doubt. The sheer amount of detail is staggering, and how one person can remember all of it is in itself a feat.
"From here, there's a couple of tries at concepts," Zelenka says, showing pages of equations, going from basic theorem proofs to increasingly difficult math. If the writing is jumbled at first, the more they scroll in the file, the clearer it becomes.
"No wonder he was so bouncy. If he could get at ease enough with the machine to have it transcribe automatically what's in his head..." John says.
"Yes, exactly. I am surprised he even left it to go to sleep. The last known file on this computer dates from yesterday morning, 30 minutes before noon."
Just before lunch, and he'd gone to the mess for coffee, at least.
"Nothing after that?" John asks.
Zelenka shakes his head.
"No. Only the message at one o'clock."
"It doesn't tell us anything," John says, frustrated. Nothing on why Rodney ran away from it.
"I agree. I will try to find the machine in the database," Zelenka says.
"What? You mean that no one is on this already?"
Zelenka has an half smile.
"Of course there is, I have five people searching. I will be in contact if we find anything."
"Thanks Dr. Z," John says.
After a comforting pat on John's arm, Zelenka starts typing on the laptop and John looks at the people around the table he calls friends. Who are Rodney's friends, too, and surely want him to come back as much as he does.
"Anyone have a theory on what's going on?" John asks the room at large.
"I believe that Rodney would only leave like this if he was convinced it was for the best of Atlantis," Teyla says.
John agrees with her.
"I think so, too, but why? And how do we find him?" John says.
"He would not have chanced a random address, out of YY7-636," Ronon says. "There would be a chance he could end up going through a space gate."
Very true, and John nods at Ronon. At last some information that can be used.
"Good call. Lorne, I want to have a list of all the planets we've made contact with since we've gotten to Pegasus, with a basic description. Highlight each ones where Rodney has gone himself on missions, with SGA-1 or otherwise. We'll set up search teams after that," John says.
"Yes Sir," Lorne says.
There are a lot of things to set up before search teams can go out, though. He'd better get on that.
"Anything else to add?" John asks.
Woolsey seems about to say something but stays silent. Since no one else pipes up, Jon stands up.
"Dismissed everyone," John says. "Go eat, rest a bit, and if you have an idea or find out something, call me immediately."
As one by one they leave the room, John rubs a hand over his face. His head is pounding with one hell of a headache, as if John needs that on top. He checks his watch, sees it's already 1900, and wonders for the thousandth time where the hell Rodney is and if he's okay. John sure hopes he is, and if they're lucky he'll be back with a perfectly logical explanation real soon.
***
John was going to get something to eat, but got distracted turning everything over. He ends up at Rodney's door without any conscious decision to go there at all. He blinks and decides to go in: maybe he'll find a hint. Atlantis once more obliges and opens the door without a fuss.
Earlier when he'd come to check if Rodney was in his room, the only thing John had noticed was that he wasn't and the way the room looked had barely registered. Rodney's room is never particularly tidy, especially when he's on a binge, so John hadn't really stopped to observe. Now that he does look more closely, he can see that there are definitely signs of Rodney having rapidly packed, drawers still half opened and clothes a bit all over the place. The biggest mess is the bed, where there are more clothes, but even more interesting are several wires and random diagnostic equipment. It's stuff Rodney usually takes off-world, so John figures that what's on the bed has been discarded from the backpack to make more space for whatever Rodney thought he'd need. Like ammo, a little voice nags.
John checks the top drawer of Rodney's work desk, and he doesn't know if he's relieved or worried when he sees that ALL of the Epipens are gone. Rodney usually keeps something like six of them in there. Shit. That could mean Rodney had thought he'd be away for a while. Or that or he was planning to go to a planet full of bees, the stupid little voice says again, completely unhelpful. There are no powerbars in sight either, so they must have been packed too. The desk itself is stacked with journals, various printouts and sheets scribbled with Rodney's blocky writing, but at first glance there's no message, no note on how there was an emergency, nothing explaining why he was about to run out of Atlantis.
A laptop, one of the old-ish ones, is on the desk but John knows it's the entertainment one, with games, movies and music. Just to be thorough John opens it - he knows the password since they often watch movies on it - but there's no screen waiting especially for him either. John realizes that he's especially bummed at that, as if until he didn't find a note, his subconscious had been sure that Rodney would have took the time to at least tell him what was going on.
Rodney must have known he'd worry and that John would want to know what happened at all cost, so... taken by a sudden inspiration, John frantically clicks on the email system, but he's in for another disappointment when there are no relevant messages in Rodney's email. The last one was sent to Kavanagh just before lunch the day before, and if it's mightily entertaining in the insult department, it's just business as usual. Rodney even said he'd see Kavanagh later in the day to tell him just how wrong he was, again. Further proof that he had not planned his little dash and disappear act more than minutes before it happened. Just to be sure John logs in with his own account to find a slew of emails but none from Rodney.
With a sigh, John sags in the chair and looks at the ceiling, wondering what he should check next. The problem is that he has no idea. Through the control chair, Atlantis had been really clear that Rodney was not anywhere in the city itself, and he's definitely not on YY7-636 anymore. That means that there's a whole galaxy to search now, and just the thought makes him dizzy.
But John will find Rodney, or he'll come back. There are no other alternatives.
***
Woolsey agrees that a missing Chief Scientist is a bad thing, and that search parties to try and find Rodney have to be set up. John doesn't manage to eat much, even less to sleep that night, and right now he's revising the list of planets they've visited since they came to Pegasus. Four teams were given the green light for the search, which had been a frustrating compromise between John's suggestion of six - they had the personnel, and there were no other crises or critical missions ongoing - versus the two Woolsey thought would be enough. The mere fact that he had had to negotiate with Woolsey on the matter had raised John's hackles, and he's in a bad mood. It makes going over the roster for each team and their designated list of planets with Woolsey a bit tense.
"Each team will radio Atlantis every three hours at most for status reports, directly to Lorne and the coordination unit he’s set up. I will check in every ninety minutes myself," John explains. He has a series of planets to explore with his own team, but will go check out the most promising info when it arises.
"For how long?" Woolsey asks, looking at John seriously. "I understand that we must cover as much ground as possible, but each list counts fifteen planets, and you say that is just a start."
The answer to that is obvious.
"As long as it takes," John says, leaning on the table towards Woolsey.
Woolsey presses his hand over his mouth.
"I understand that you want to find Dr. McKay, Colonel," Woolsey says, "we all do. Let's see what we can gather in three days, and evaluate."
It's like the man is suddenly speaking Chinese.
"Three days?" John must not have heard that right. "That's it? Rodney is only worth three days of effort?" he adds, and his voice is rising now. This is ridiculous.
"I never said that. I said let's go with a wide search for three days, and then see what we have. We need to keep Atlantis running..." Woolsey says, calm and collected.
"Atlantis needs Rodney, we need Rodney!" John interjects over Woolsey, his voice low and strained, but that doesn't stop Woolsey.
"And I agree with you. But let's do this methodically and rationally. Is that possible Colonel Sheppard?" he asks, casually.
Oh, that's a low blow; John feels his blood run cold with retained fury.
"Are you implying that I can't do my job properly?" John says, icily.
Woolsey sighs, and for a moment he looks at John with so much sympathy under his resolve that it feels a bit too much like pity.
"Of course not, John," he says, sitting back. "I know you're very close to Dr. McKay, and this must be really difficult for you and your team. I understand that. I'm just here to say the things no one wants to hear but that have to be said."
John looks to the side, his anger still strong, but Woolsey does have a point even if John doesn't want to hear it. At the same time he's totally wrong.
"I would do exactly the same for anyone on this expedition. I did it for Ford," John says. For whatever good it had given, too. But he didn't want to think about that.
"I know. I wish you luck, let's hope we bring Rodney home safe and sound ASAP," Woolsey says.
This is the good thing to say right now, at least. John sighs.
"Yes. Thank you."
Three days. They will find him.
****
To complete his team, John decides to bring Zelenka. It's in part because he wants to piss off Woolsey, but Zelenka seemed antsy to do something himself. Further studies of the laptop (and examination of the database) have not given any more clues on why the Ancient machine is so dangerous that Rodney had to go. Usually Zelenka doesn't like to go off world, is even more skittish than Rodney had been when they got in Pegasus, but now he just wants to get going. The lab personnel has sworn to be good, and meanwhile Miko will supervise. It will be a test of her character, too, Zelenka had told John, since he's considering delegating her more supervision soon.
So after checking with Lorne every detail about the coordination personnel on Atlantis who'll cross reference any info gathered, John sends out the 3 other teams with their respective planet list to investigate. John made his Team's list of planets with some of the most promising - friendly, that Rodney had been on himself, no mission gone bad at the time - that had, as far as he remembered, landscape that would permit them to save time traveling with the jumper. Woolsey is in the gate room when they leave and nods gravely at John.
On the other side of the wormhole, John cloaks and takes a bit of altitude before turning in his seat.
"First things first, let's check if we can detect McKay's subcutaneous transmitter," he asks.
Zelenka nods, then after a minute shakes his head.
"Nothing into range."
Of course, it would have been too easy and John never thought they'd be so lucky.
"He could have taken it out," Ronon says.
John raises his eyebrows.
"McKay playing in his own arm with a knife?" John asks. It's a bit far fetched.
"He did buy a knife. And he could have asked someone else to do it," Ronon counters.
John sighs. He hopes that not the case, because it would make Rodney that much harder to find.
"But we can still ask if he has been on this planet in the last few days. Surely a man like Rodney will not have been inconspicuous, at least not for a whole day," Teyla adds.
"Okay, let's go, then," John says. He flies to the first village near the gate, and sets down the puddle jumper where it should not gather to much attention.
Armed with a short vid of McKay on Zelenka's tablet, caught au naturel gesticulating at someone while talking, they start their quest for Rodney.
***
It's been two days, searching methodically eight planets so far where SGA-1 is concerned, thirty two total, and John has gone from cautiously optimist to totally on edge. He's been checking with Lorne almost on the dot every 90 minutes and so far there have been no concrete leads on Rodney's whereabouts. It's like he went through the wormhole and vanished into thin air. It's actually pretty impressive. Of course, they visited a lot of planets since they had made it to Pegasus, and they aren't even sure that Rodney has decided to limit himself to those. John is fairly sure that Rodney must have a file on his computer with a list of addresses of potentially interesting planets to explore.
After a couple of planets, the Team has gotten into a groove. John and Teyla visit the village leaders to make their quest official, while Ronon and Radek go see the merchants and taverns. The reactions vary from indifference to sympathy and they leave each time asking that if anyone hears something, or sees Rodney, to contact Tso who set an information relay camp in the village of Oriaje of P4E-472 for that purpose alone. The safety of Atlantis still comes first, and they cannot afford to tell their address to everyone.
John walks briskly through the woods with Teyla towards the castle and he can't say that he's particularly looking forward to see Queen Harmony again. On the other hand, she seems delighted to see him and basically flings herself in his arms, with a delighted squeal.
"Colonel Sheppard!" she says, grinning, then seems to remember proper Queen etiquette, and steps back and curtsies.
It's been two years since she's been crowned, but she's still only fifteen and John can't help but feel a little sad that she never could be a kid. But at fifteen in Pegasus, you're practically all grown up and she's turning into a beautiful young woman. Harmony exchanges a courteous nod with Teyla.
"Miss Emmagan, it's a joy to see you again," she says, easy and poised.
"All the pleasure is mine, your Highness," Teyla says, smiling back.
Harmony then frowns, looking towards the door.
"But Doctor McKay, he is not with you?" she says, sounding disappointed.
John has to refrain a sigh, since that means she has not heard about Rodney being on her planet, then. He forces a smile.
"No, my Queen, and it's why we're visiting. I understand you haven’t seen Rodney lately?" he asks.
"Not since the last time he came to examine the mini-drones, which has been too long ago." Harmony says, looking at John with narrowed eyes. "You are searching for Dr. McKay?"
"Yes, your Highness," Teyla says. "We're visiting planets we know he favors in hope of finding him."
It's definitely a good way to present their problem because it makes Harmony smile - she still hasn't gotten over her infatuation with McKay, John kept ribbing him about it - but then she becomes thoughtful. Her eyes go round, alarmed.
"Has he been kidnapped by a villain? Captured and sold for slavery? And when you got to his keeper he had, of course, used his staggering intelligence to escape but is now amnesic, trying to survive? Or he's..."
Whoa, that's some imagination, and John has to refrain from letting his bewilderment show on his face. He coughs to snap Harmony out of her romance novel plot and when she turns to him he explains.
"No, nothing like that. He left our world four days ago, without saying where he was going. He hasn't come back yet, so we're trying to find him."
"He left? Just got up and left?" Harmony says.
John grits his teeth.
"Yes."
She points an angry finger at John.
"Oh, that's surely all your fault, Colonel Sheppard. You always mock him and taunt him. He must have been hurt one time too many," Harmony says, all but vibrating in outrage on Rodney's behalf.
"Hey!" John says, defensive. That's not fair. "I don't do that; it's the way we are. We're friends, best friends. And he gives as much as he gets, if not more."
Harmony crosses her arms over her chest and glowers.
"You do not realize how sensitive Dr. McKay is, under the bluster. He's a gentle soul."
It takes all that John's got not to roll his eyes. He knows Rodney is affected by what is said about him way more that he wants everyone to believe. Everything shows up on his face, it's not like it's hard to read. But John doesn't try to hurt him, and if he ever did, it was unintentional.
"Okay, yes, I'll give you that. But are you sure you haven't seen him?" John asks.
Rodney can have asked for secrecy and Harmony, smitten as she is, maybe agreed. He'll probably ask questions to the castle's staff later, with the promise of money, just to narrow the searches or get a frigging clue. Sighing dramatically, Harmony slumps on her throne.
"No, I haven't seen him nor heard of him," Harmony says, before slanting a look at John below her eyelashes. "I'm sure that he would have loved to visit me, well us, more often but he was rescheduled by some other people," she adds.
John's going to throw his hands in the air in frustration real soon. He schools his face as neutral as he can, then steps towards the young girl. He stops when the hulking body guards seem about to step out and come for help.
"Okay. Look, Harmony, there's nothing I'd like more than finding Rodney right now. If I could drag him over here? I would. But cut the attitude," John says.
John's used to the fact that people recoil at this kind of looming, but Harmony just looks at him thoughtfully.
"I believe you. How can I help? If I hear anything at all about Dr. McKay, what should I do?" she asks.
John explains their methods of communication to Tso on P4E-472 for data gathering to Harmony, who seems serious about it. More eyes looking out are good; it means it increases the chances of learning something.
---
"Do you think I tease Rodney too much?" John asks Teyla, as they're making their way back to the jumper.
Teyla slants a look at him, and then shakes her head.
"I do not believe he minds, John. It relaxes him, the familiarity of it."
"It's not like he doesn't insult me right back," John says.
"And you enjoy it," Teyla teases.
John smiles, wistful.
"Yeah. He's one of a kind."
"That is for sure. I believe he will be right back with us where he belongs very shortly," Teyla says, putting her hand briefly on John's arm.
"I'm worried. Rodney, alone, out there..." John says. It's a given that everyone who knows John even a little bit is aware that he's not taking this well, but saying it aloud is kind of big for him.
"We are all worried. But Rodney is very resourceful. Do not underestimate him," Teyla reasons.
That's true, too. Put Rodney with a tough problem and he does his best work. John nods, and spots Ronon, leaning on the Jumper. He looks up and when John tilts his head in question, Ronon shakes his before entering the jumper. Another dud, then.
It's time to call Atlantis for a status report; maybe someone has been luckier elsewhere.
He hopes.
***
They had their three whole days searching with four teams, but it gave absolutely nothing at all, not even the hint of a clue. John is barely sleeping anymore, grabbing twenty minutes here and there out of sheer exhaustion and not always on his bed. He has to force himself to act as normal as possible and to not snap at anyone, especially when they come to him with nothing he wants to hear. The morning of the fourth day, John has already drained his third cup of coffee in order to have a simulacrum of brain function at the meeting in Woolsey's office.
Lorne passes around a listing of the planets considered, the ones visited crossed with the name of the team that went to it beside. The number of planets is slowly coming down, but not fast enough to John's liking. Lorne does a succinct but clear report: they have fuck all. Zelenka doesn't have much more on the alien device, since it's hard to do tests without going close to it, as it's still heavily quarantined. On the other hand, Forsberg has carefully studied the gate room footage and is now pausing and zooming on McKay's forearm.
"I was about to fall asleep yesterday, looking at this footage again, when a flare in the camera caught my attention. It's right about here," Forsberg says, before slowing the images until it advances frame by frame.
There is indeed a small flare and it seems to be from Rodney's left arm.
"His watch," John says, shrugging it off.
"That's what I thought too, until I got here," Forsberg says, and right on cue, there's two different flares. He rewinds, then pauses right on that moment, then zoom the image.
The footage is extremely grainy at that level of close up, and John squints, wishing his head would stop pounding for a minute. One of the flares does seem to come from the watch, but the other one comes from a thin metallic object right next to it.
"A bracelet?" Woolsey asks. "How is it relevant?"
But Zelenka is shaking his head.
"No, it is not a bracelet," he sounds so sure.
"Maybe he just got it," John says, but at the same time he wonders who'd give Rodney a bracelet, since he's not seeing anyone at the moment.
"Impossible," Zelenka adds. "Pass the footage again."
While Forsberg puts the whole gate room sequence at the start, Woolsey looks confused.
"And why would you say that, Doctor Zelenka?"
It suddenly dawns for John, and he looks more closely at the sequence, too. He answers Woolsey himself.
"Safety. No jewelry when playing with machinery. The only thing Rodney wears is his damn watch with the zillion and one alarms set up on it."
But if it's something other than his watch, what could it be? Rodney's wearing long sleeves but definitely looking at his watch a lot. Unless he's not looking at his watch at all. Rodney grows more agitated by the minute, until they go off-world.
Major Kersey is there, and he's tilting his head at the screen.
"Doctor McKay did look at his watch, or at this bracelet, right after we stepped off on YY7-636", he says.
"And?" John can't believe he has to ask for elaboration.
"He sighed deeply. At the time I thought it was in exasperation, but now that I think of it, it could have been relief," Kersey says.
"If I am not mistaken, I would say that the bracelet is made of the same material that composes the protuberance of the machine we found in the lab," Zelenka muses.
John remembers vaguely wires everywhere, shiny and with no apparent purpose. So what happened? It's all conjectures, but something gets attached to Rodney, he figures he's compromised, feels the need to get out of Atlantis ASAP... Plausible but why didn't he say anything to anyone? That's what John wants to know. Needs to know. Rodney just left, like that, and it doesn't make any sense.
"Okay, thanks for the info Forsberg. Zelenka, I want you to really isolate that machine, no more poking at it when you think I won't know about it," John says. It's a long shot, but the way Zelenka blushes and looks to the side lets John know he hit the bulls-eye. John can't get it in him to be mad though, they all want to know what happened. "So what are the planets that didn't get explored on the original list?"
Lorne is about to answer when he's cut out by Woolsey.
"Before we discuss what is coming next, I suggest we take a pause," he says, but his smile is forced and John has a bad feeling about what is to come. It's like Woolsey said the magic words, though, because everyone is getting up and stretching, some probably dashing to the mess hall to get some coffee. John crosses his arms, staying in place.
Woolsey meets his gaze full on. As soon as they're alone in the room, he says:
"We have to scale down the search, Colonel."
John knew that was coming. He has to take a deep breath before he answers, so he doesn't get in Woolsey's sneaky little face.
"No," John says.
With a sigh that sounds as if he was expecting just as much from him, Woolsey then tries the gentle approach.
"John..."
John springs up from his seat, gets as close and looming as he wants to be.
"Richard," he parrots, icy cold. "It's very simple: we keep looking."
Unfortunately, Woolsey got tougher over the years, and he doesn't look impressed at all. All on the contrary, he sounds steely and determined.
"I am saying that we cannot scatter our best elements all over the galaxy forever, Colonel!" Woolsey hisses.
"It's only been three days! Come on!" John says, throwing his arms in the air.
"You know as well as I do that the search could be totally futile. Obviously, Dr. McKay had a good reason to leave. When he can, he'll come back," Woolsey says, unmoved.
It's not like John didn't hope for that to happen, but what if it's not enough? What if Rodney has been hurt, that this bracelet has incapacitated him in some way?
"I want the search teams as they are for another four days. A week, total." John can't believe he has to negotiate this.
It doesn't seem to please Woolsey, but he nods.
"Agreed. But I will scale the search down if we get to that limit, Colonel. And I want your word you won't fight me on this."
It doesn't please John at all, but he knows that he has to make some concessions.
"Fine. We'll scale it down then," John agrees. He'll fight teeth and nails so it's not too much of a drop though, but he stays hush on that. "But ‘til we get there, we do this my way."
John really wishes he could slam the door as he leaves. It does swish closed extra fast, though. He hopes it's in Woolsey's face.
***
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
The week ends with absolutely no progress. Four teams drop to two, of course John's being one of them, but he has to leave Zelenka in Atlantis, which annoys him to no end. Simpson knows what she's doing, though, so he can't complain too much. John knows that soon he'll have no argument to continue the search, except from asking for Rodney on every planet they visit on missions, so he ups the tempo on the searches while he can. They leave Atlantis at 0600 every morning and are rarely back before 2200, empty handed and frustrated. They operate like a well oiled machine, question key members of the community, barely go through the basic acts of politeness specific to the culture they visit, and when it's clear that's its another dud, they leave for the next address on the list.
One night, John realizes he barely said a dozen words all day unless it was interrogations. Ronon and Teyla give him space, which he needs, and Simpson knows better than to start inane chatter with him. In fact, most of Atlantis' personnel give him a wide berth if they can these days. John knows he's cranky, but he's not sleeping well and the few times he does sleep for a bit more he wakes up gasping from nightmares he doesn't remember. His appetite is shot to hell, too. He considered going to Keller to get some pills, but he's afraid she'll take one look at him and send him to the shrink, or worse, ground him. He’s barely slept four hours at night for the last three days and when he staggers back to his quarters that night, head pounding, he's so weary he just want to lay down and never move again. John hopes he's going to pass out from exhaustion, and that it will be enough not to dream.
John's stripping off his shirt and toeing his boots on auto-pilot when he blinks at the bed, wondering why there's so much stuff on it. Stuff preventing him from facepalming right there and then. It takes way too long for his brain to process that it's not his bed at all. Somehow, he ended up in Rodney's room. He has no idea why, it was not conscious at all, but to be faced with Rodney's things, so familiar for the hundreds of times when he’s come over to play computer games or watch a movie is like a punch to John's gut. He sits down heavily on the bed, fully intending to put his boots back on, but then he just stays there, elbows on his thighs, face in his hands, focusing on breathing because he's so tired he's afraid his brain might forget the basics. After a minute, the mere idea of reaching for the boots, putting them on and then walking to his room seems overwhelming. Instead he pushes stuff further down the bed, lifts the covers and slips in.
He's out like a light as soon as his head hits the pillow.
***
The alarm on his watch wakes John up and he stretches, brain foggy with sleep. It would be good, so good, to just turn around and let everything fall away for a little bit more. He's comfortable, warm, and maybe he could get away with it. As awareness comes creeping back, though, little details are off. The bed, for one, is hard and definitely long enough to stretch on, which is a luxury. It all clicks into place, then: Rodney's room, Rodney's bed and John feels a freak out coming on, fast. Not because he fell asleep in Rodney's room, he was exhausted enough to fall asleep anywhere quiet, but what makes alarm bells go off in John's brain is that for the first time in weeks he slept well. John knows, deep in his chest, that it's because he was surrounded by Rodney's smell on the pillow case, in his sheets.
This is huge. This is not "I miss my best friend/teammate" behavior. Or more specifically it's exactly that, with a hearty side of "look at that, I might have feelings for my best friend/teammate" behavior. And where did that come from? They're friends, close too, more than John ever let happen in so long, he'll agree to that. They do spend a lot of time together, have a nice banter going on, and he enjoys it. And yes, he misses Rodney like a phantom limb right now. But from there to want to burrow in Rodney's bed for the foreseeable future because it smells like him is a whole different story.
Of course, John has noticed that Rodney's not bad looking at all, in the objective way that he checks out everyone he meets. Piercing blue eyes, wide shoulders, that special McKay spark that comes from being so brilliant and snarky; John's not even surprised that Rodney, with all of his astringent personality, managed to have two somewhat serious girlfriends on Atlantis while John never got past a couple of nights. Not that he ever pursued anything more.
So okay, Rodney's attractive, but John's convinced he never thought about him, at least consciously, in a physical way before. In fact, John's sole homosexual baggage consists of a couple of hurried handjobs in summer camp when he was fourteen. It had been thrilling at the time but then life went back to normal, school and girls and after a while John had chalked it up to experimentation. Over the years he'd felt some sort of attraction to nice looking guys a couple of times, but had never acted on it, as the risk at the time far outweighed his curiosity.
John's absolutely certain that he feels more for Rodney than love for a friend, or even family. But he's not even sure that he wants Rodney, that he'd want to have sex with him. He tries to picture it, wonders if he'd want to get touched and the sudden flash of Rodney's big square hand closing around his cock makes him hard so fast there's no way to deny that he's attracted to Rodney anymore. Shit, he's totally screwed. Groaning, John mashes his face in Rodney's pillow and tries to think of anything else, but other images come to him, Rodney on his knees before him, looking up as he sucks him in and fuck, John shoves a hand in his pants and he's jerking off with no finesse, hard and punishing and barely five strokes later he's coming, curling on himself with the intensity of it. Panting as his heartbeat comes back to normal, John is kind of shocked at what just happened. Okay, so it answers the question: he'd totally be up for sex with Rodney.
But then again, for that to happen, Rodney would need to be interested back, and yeah, little chance of that. Sighing, John just hits his head on the bed a couple of times.
Way to make your life even more complicated, Sheppard, he thinks to himself.
***
Part 3
When SGA-4 makes it back to Atlantis, a technician has already gathered for them the video feed of the gate room of the last 28 hours and they've seen Rodney effectively go out with the team the previous afternoon, and not one image of him coming back. In fact, the gate had not opened again until much later that evening, when SGA-2 came back from their own mission.
John's fear is that a solar flare has played the same trick it had done to him a couple of years ago, and that it sent Rodney to Atlantis at some other time. If so, they are way more than fucked because John can't dedicate his life to program a hologram to save Rodney's ass. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he's no Rodney and he'd never succeed. It enrages him, but John knows his limitations. But Radek is assuring everyone that he has triple checked that there has been no unusual activity that could have messed with the wormhole.
"If he wasn't displaced in time, then where the hell is he?" John asks.
"Not on Atlantis," Radek says, crossing his arms defensively. He knows it's not the answer John wanted to hear.
"Okay, so let's go through this again. Let's start by the beginning. Major?"
Major Kersey has been competently leading SG-4 for three years now, and John has complete trust in his judgment, usually. He wonders what the hell went wrong, here.
"Dr. McKay met us in the locker rooms, already geared up. He announced that he'd be coming with us to YY7-636." Major Kersey reports.
"When was this?" John asks.
"1330, fifteen minutes before the mission. It surprised me because it was the first time I heard that he was supposed to come with us, but Dr. McKay just insisted again and again on how we had to go, to get ready already, that he didn't have all day," Kersey says.
"It didn't seem weird?" John asks.
"Not to be impertinent, Sir, but from my experience it's pretty much the usual."
He might not be wrong.
"So he was in a hurry to leave, did he act strangely?" John asks.
"Well he was out of breath and a bit red, as if he had run around, and kept looking at his watch. Again I just thought he was in a hurry, as always," Kersey says.
"Did he take anything? Say something else?" John asks.
He fidgets a bit.
"I must admit that I don't always listen to all of the muttering Dr McKay does," he says.
John is fighting the urge to throttle him, but if he's honest with himself, he zones out on McKay all the time, too.
"He was swearing quite creatively," Coleman, the team's scientist says. "I was a bit surprised because he insults and raves, but he's rarely crass. He did notice my interest and glared daggers until I minded my own business."
Having been on the receiving end of those glares, John can understand the reflex to back up and he doesn't have Rodney as a boss.
"This is important, whatever you heard, we need to know," Woolsey insists.
Coleman sighs.
"He was mostly cursing the Ancients and I maybe heard something about dreams becoming nightmares. That he'd show the son of bitches whatever, I didn't get what. He didn't seem scared, but really, really pissed off."
Coleman stops talking, and throws a look at her team leader for support.
"That's true, nothing in Dr McKay's attitude spoke of imminent danger, save from the fact he was in a hurry to go," Kersey confirms.
John grits his teeth: he knows that Rodney overcomes his panic if he's in a dangerous situation, becoming highly focused on the task at hand, so it doesn't mean anything. What speaks to John more is how fucking fast he's gotten out of Atlantis, from the message about the machine left on the computer to getting out the gate, all geared up.
"What did he have on him?" John asks. "When he got in the locker room?"
Major Kersey frowns at him.
"In gear you mean? He was in full uniform, thigh holster too, and had a backpack. He took the tac vest from his locker and then he doubled checked his P-90 before strapping it on too."
Sergeant Smith pipes up.
"He put a couple extra P-90 clips in his backpack. And some for his handgun in his tac vest."
John meets Ronon's eyes over the table and he's pretty sure they have matching raised eyebrows.
"McKay took extra ammo?" Ronon asks. Rodney always has to be forced to take ammo, which takes precious space that would better used, if you believe him, by electronic equipment. "To go to the market on YY7-636?"
Said like that, it speaks volumes. Major Kersey looks stricken.
"I... I didn't realize it was unusual. I just thought he..." he trails off.
"You just thought he was paranoid," John spat. Kersey avoids his eyes.
Sergeant Smith takes the relay.
"I did his buddy check, all was fine, and helped him put on his backpack. He almost bit my head off, urging me to be careful with it and that there was a computer in there. It was kind of heavy."
"He had his tablet too, right?" Zelenka asks.
"Yes, in his hands. And a life sign detector in his tac vest."
It's a lot of gear for an errand. Obviously Rodney knew he would not get back to Atlantis right away, and was preparing for the worst. It makes everything even more confusing. Why hasn't he talked to anyone?
"So in fifteen you were all geared up and went to the gate room," Lorne says.
"Yes. Then we got to YY7-636, and walked to the market."
"Where was Rodney?" Teyla asks. When met with confused stares, she patiently explains what she means. "As you walked towards the market, what was Dr. McKay's position in the group?"
"In front, he was walking first in line, and fast at that. Kept muttering that he didn't have all day and just fucking hurry already. Sorry ma'am, his words," Smith says.
Teyla looks at John pointedly. Yeah, John agrees with a nod, it's once again out of character for Rodney, who rarely walks in front unless he's running for his life.
"So you got to the market and then what?" John urges him on.
"We were going to the negotiation tents, as planned, but then Dr. McKay turned right around saying what he needed was a bit further down that particular lane," Smith says. He must sense that John is about to berate them for letting him go, so he quickly continues. "Major Kersey gestured me to be his shadow, and when Dr. McKay turned around after maybe 10 meters and saw I was following him, he started protesting that he was able to shop without a bodyguard and generally tried to get me to go. I was having none of that and he quickly realized it, and then went about his business, only stopping at the shop he was looking for."
John is starting to think that going to the market and whatever Rodney bought was not something he needed for his job or even for himself. All evidence hints that Rodney was just trying to find a way to get the hell out of dodge without raising too much suspicion on Atlantis. But that doesn't tell John why, and maybe what Rodney bought is a clue.
"And? What was it?"
"He bought a knife with its sheath. Didn't even bargain with the weapon merchant, who knew him by the way," Sergeant Smith says.
Ronon perks up.
"Alorian?"
"Yes, that's what Dr. McKay called him," Smith confirms.
Alorian is a survivor from Sateda, and they meet him from time to time in the markets that move from planet to planet upon a schedule and itinerary that John has never grasped. He keeps quality equipment, but it's generally not something Rodney's interested in.
"That's weird," Ronon says. "My birthday is not even close."
There's no birthday soon, not Team anyway, and if Rodney buying a knife as a gift is imaginable, that he'd get one for himself seems ridiculous. On the other hand, Rodney stocking on ammo is even more far-fetched and he'd done it.
"Once he paid Alorian, Dr. McKay said he was done and we finally could go to the negotiation tents."
"But that's when he said he wanted to go back to Atlantis, since he was wasting his precious time," Lorne deduces.
"Yes. As I said over the comm. earlier, I never left him one second until we reached the gate. He didn't speak to anyone either. As soon as he got to the DHD he punched an address, then fiddled with his IDC, and went through the puddle."
"You assumed it was Atlantis," Zelenka speaks up.
"I had no reason to think otherwise," Smith says defensively.
"But you did not take notice of the symbols he pressed down," Zelenka asks.
"I was not looking, no. I was watching the perimeter, making sure that no one was in range to see the address McKay was punching, to be certain that Atlantis' addy is not diffused."
It's standard procedure, a procedure John has set up himself and insisted on again and again. It makes the fact that they have no clue what address Rodney has used even more frustrating. McKay certainly knows about perimeter watch, and has most probably used that knowledge to slip out. The only thing that is clear in the whole situation is that everything happened really fast, that Rodney obviously wanted out of Atlantis and that he has not told anyone the reason behind that choice.
"Well guys, it seems that Rodney tricked us all. And I want to know why," John says.
***
The more they talk in circles, the less John understands why Rodney has left without saying anything. It seems to originate from the Ancient machine with the warning, and the hour at which the message had been typed makes it the last thing Rodney worked on before leaving. For Rodney to go back to his room - even by transporter -, change, pack and be in the locker room in thirty minutes means that he had basically not lost a second.
"What did that computer tell you, Radek?" John asks.
"Rodney had been working on that Ancient machine for several days. There's data from testing, but from what I have gathered, this was not the only computer in the experiment."
John frowns.
"Meaning?"
"This computer was hooked to the Ancient machine and used for testing and basic simulations," Zelenka explains. "But a second computer was there too, there is evidence of a network and how the link was severed about at the time of the warning. I think the second computer was monitoring the way data flowed from the device to this one."
"Could it be the one Rodney was carrying in his backpack?" John asks.
Radek nods.
"Probably."
"Any idea what that Ancient machine does, yet? Is there need to have a contingency plan?" Woolsey asks. He's been mostly silent through the procedures, asking for details here and there.
Everyone that has been in Atlantis from the beginning or read the reports remembers the nanovirus when they lost Wagner, Dumais and Johnson; the exploding tumor device, too.
"If we stay out of the laboratory, I am sure it is safe. If I understand correctly the notes and data, the Ancient device can most probably read your mind," Zelenka explains.
"Come again?" John says, surprised.
"It could be possible that the machine literally reads the thoughts of the person it is connected to. Rodney seemed to be testing how to translate the impression the machine gathered from his head to be rendered in a digital form."
John didn't like the idea that a device could get in his head and see what's in there. He's always considered himself a very private person and having his thoughts read? No thank you.
"Does it work?" he asks warily.
"I cannot say for now. I need more time. But we know there is a strong mental component for a lot of technology here, and already it has access to your thoughts."
Funny how John had never seen it from that angle before. Atlantis has probably been reading all of their minds since they've gotten here. John wonders if she regrets opening up for them.
"So what is the difference with this machine, then?" Woolsey asks.
"You think of something, and it is processed by the Machine, and then appears on the computer."
Zelenka has several windows open and pulls a couple on to the projector.
"I went chronologically through the results, at least the ones in this computer."
The first image Zelenka shows them is so complex, it's useless. The second is a perfectly rendered 3D cube. Then an office chair, with labeled parts.
"After a false start, Rodney was testing the device with increasingly complex objects."
Zelenka goes through several files, and when John sees the puddle jumper, he has to take a breath. It's incredibly detailed, as much with the physical components as the systems making the jumper work, with various bubbles for auxiliary functions, but on the whole, remains extremely organized, with color codes. It's magnificent.
"That's how Rodney pictures it in his mind?" John says, awed.
"Yes," Zelenka says. "Rodney, he... he always brags at how much of a genius he is but this..."
Yeah. Well it sure proves that without a doubt. The sheer amount of detail is staggering, and how one person can remember all of it is in itself a feat.
"From here, there's a couple of tries at concepts," Zelenka says, showing pages of equations, going from basic theorem proofs to increasingly difficult math. If the writing is jumbled at first, the more they scroll in the file, the clearer it becomes.
"No wonder he was so bouncy. If he could get at ease enough with the machine to have it transcribe automatically what's in his head..." John says.
"Yes, exactly. I am surprised he even left it to go to sleep. The last known file on this computer dates from yesterday morning, 30 minutes before noon."
Just before lunch, and he'd gone to the mess for coffee, at least.
"Nothing after that?" John asks.
Zelenka shakes his head.
"No. Only the message at one o'clock."
"It doesn't tell us anything," John says, frustrated. Nothing on why Rodney ran away from it.
"I agree. I will try to find the machine in the database," Zelenka says.
"What? You mean that no one is on this already?"
Zelenka has an half smile.
"Of course there is, I have five people searching. I will be in contact if we find anything."
"Thanks Dr. Z," John says.
After a comforting pat on John's arm, Zelenka starts typing on the laptop and John looks at the people around the table he calls friends. Who are Rodney's friends, too, and surely want him to come back as much as he does.
"Anyone have a theory on what's going on?" John asks the room at large.
"I believe that Rodney would only leave like this if he was convinced it was for the best of Atlantis," Teyla says.
John agrees with her.
"I think so, too, but why? And how do we find him?" John says.
"He would not have chanced a random address, out of YY7-636," Ronon says. "There would be a chance he could end up going through a space gate."
Very true, and John nods at Ronon. At last some information that can be used.
"Good call. Lorne, I want to have a list of all the planets we've made contact with since we've gotten to Pegasus, with a basic description. Highlight each ones where Rodney has gone himself on missions, with SGA-1 or otherwise. We'll set up search teams after that," John says.
"Yes Sir," Lorne says.
There are a lot of things to set up before search teams can go out, though. He'd better get on that.
"Anything else to add?" John asks.
Woolsey seems about to say something but stays silent. Since no one else pipes up, Jon stands up.
"Dismissed everyone," John says. "Go eat, rest a bit, and if you have an idea or find out something, call me immediately."
As one by one they leave the room, John rubs a hand over his face. His head is pounding with one hell of a headache, as if John needs that on top. He checks his watch, sees it's already 1900, and wonders for the thousandth time where the hell Rodney is and if he's okay. John sure hopes he is, and if they're lucky he'll be back with a perfectly logical explanation real soon.
***
John was going to get something to eat, but got distracted turning everything over. He ends up at Rodney's door without any conscious decision to go there at all. He blinks and decides to go in: maybe he'll find a hint. Atlantis once more obliges and opens the door without a fuss.
Earlier when he'd come to check if Rodney was in his room, the only thing John had noticed was that he wasn't and the way the room looked had barely registered. Rodney's room is never particularly tidy, especially when he's on a binge, so John hadn't really stopped to observe. Now that he does look more closely, he can see that there are definitely signs of Rodney having rapidly packed, drawers still half opened and clothes a bit all over the place. The biggest mess is the bed, where there are more clothes, but even more interesting are several wires and random diagnostic equipment. It's stuff Rodney usually takes off-world, so John figures that what's on the bed has been discarded from the backpack to make more space for whatever Rodney thought he'd need. Like ammo, a little voice nags.
John checks the top drawer of Rodney's work desk, and he doesn't know if he's relieved or worried when he sees that ALL of the Epipens are gone. Rodney usually keeps something like six of them in there. Shit. That could mean Rodney had thought he'd be away for a while. Or that or he was planning to go to a planet full of bees, the stupid little voice says again, completely unhelpful. There are no powerbars in sight either, so they must have been packed too. The desk itself is stacked with journals, various printouts and sheets scribbled with Rodney's blocky writing, but at first glance there's no message, no note on how there was an emergency, nothing explaining why he was about to run out of Atlantis.
A laptop, one of the old-ish ones, is on the desk but John knows it's the entertainment one, with games, movies and music. Just to be thorough John opens it - he knows the password since they often watch movies on it - but there's no screen waiting especially for him either. John realizes that he's especially bummed at that, as if until he didn't find a note, his subconscious had been sure that Rodney would have took the time to at least tell him what was going on.
Rodney must have known he'd worry and that John would want to know what happened at all cost, so... taken by a sudden inspiration, John frantically clicks on the email system, but he's in for another disappointment when there are no relevant messages in Rodney's email. The last one was sent to Kavanagh just before lunch the day before, and if it's mightily entertaining in the insult department, it's just business as usual. Rodney even said he'd see Kavanagh later in the day to tell him just how wrong he was, again. Further proof that he had not planned his little dash and disappear act more than minutes before it happened. Just to be sure John logs in with his own account to find a slew of emails but none from Rodney.
With a sigh, John sags in the chair and looks at the ceiling, wondering what he should check next. The problem is that he has no idea. Through the control chair, Atlantis had been really clear that Rodney was not anywhere in the city itself, and he's definitely not on YY7-636 anymore. That means that there's a whole galaxy to search now, and just the thought makes him dizzy.
But John will find Rodney, or he'll come back. There are no other alternatives.
***
Woolsey agrees that a missing Chief Scientist is a bad thing, and that search parties to try and find Rodney have to be set up. John doesn't manage to eat much, even less to sleep that night, and right now he's revising the list of planets they've visited since they came to Pegasus. Four teams were given the green light for the search, which had been a frustrating compromise between John's suggestion of six - they had the personnel, and there were no other crises or critical missions ongoing - versus the two Woolsey thought would be enough. The mere fact that he had had to negotiate with Woolsey on the matter had raised John's hackles, and he's in a bad mood. It makes going over the roster for each team and their designated list of planets with Woolsey a bit tense.
"Each team will radio Atlantis every three hours at most for status reports, directly to Lorne and the coordination unit he’s set up. I will check in every ninety minutes myself," John explains. He has a series of planets to explore with his own team, but will go check out the most promising info when it arises.
"For how long?" Woolsey asks, looking at John seriously. "I understand that we must cover as much ground as possible, but each list counts fifteen planets, and you say that is just a start."
The answer to that is obvious.
"As long as it takes," John says, leaning on the table towards Woolsey.
Woolsey presses his hand over his mouth.
"I understand that you want to find Dr. McKay, Colonel," Woolsey says, "we all do. Let's see what we can gather in three days, and evaluate."
It's like the man is suddenly speaking Chinese.
"Three days?" John must not have heard that right. "That's it? Rodney is only worth three days of effort?" he adds, and his voice is rising now. This is ridiculous.
"I never said that. I said let's go with a wide search for three days, and then see what we have. We need to keep Atlantis running..." Woolsey says, calm and collected.
"Atlantis needs Rodney, we need Rodney!" John interjects over Woolsey, his voice low and strained, but that doesn't stop Woolsey.
"And I agree with you. But let's do this methodically and rationally. Is that possible Colonel Sheppard?" he asks, casually.
Oh, that's a low blow; John feels his blood run cold with retained fury.
"Are you implying that I can't do my job properly?" John says, icily.
Woolsey sighs, and for a moment he looks at John with so much sympathy under his resolve that it feels a bit too much like pity.
"Of course not, John," he says, sitting back. "I know you're very close to Dr. McKay, and this must be really difficult for you and your team. I understand that. I'm just here to say the things no one wants to hear but that have to be said."
John looks to the side, his anger still strong, but Woolsey does have a point even if John doesn't want to hear it. At the same time he's totally wrong.
"I would do exactly the same for anyone on this expedition. I did it for Ford," John says. For whatever good it had given, too. But he didn't want to think about that.
"I know. I wish you luck, let's hope we bring Rodney home safe and sound ASAP," Woolsey says.
This is the good thing to say right now, at least. John sighs.
"Yes. Thank you."
Three days. They will find him.
****
To complete his team, John decides to bring Zelenka. It's in part because he wants to piss off Woolsey, but Zelenka seemed antsy to do something himself. Further studies of the laptop (and examination of the database) have not given any more clues on why the Ancient machine is so dangerous that Rodney had to go. Usually Zelenka doesn't like to go off world, is even more skittish than Rodney had been when they got in Pegasus, but now he just wants to get going. The lab personnel has sworn to be good, and meanwhile Miko will supervise. It will be a test of her character, too, Zelenka had told John, since he's considering delegating her more supervision soon.
So after checking with Lorne every detail about the coordination personnel on Atlantis who'll cross reference any info gathered, John sends out the 3 other teams with their respective planet list to investigate. John made his Team's list of planets with some of the most promising - friendly, that Rodney had been on himself, no mission gone bad at the time - that had, as far as he remembered, landscape that would permit them to save time traveling with the jumper. Woolsey is in the gate room when they leave and nods gravely at John.
On the other side of the wormhole, John cloaks and takes a bit of altitude before turning in his seat.
"First things first, let's check if we can detect McKay's subcutaneous transmitter," he asks.
Zelenka nods, then after a minute shakes his head.
"Nothing into range."
Of course, it would have been too easy and John never thought they'd be so lucky.
"He could have taken it out," Ronon says.
John raises his eyebrows.
"McKay playing in his own arm with a knife?" John asks. It's a bit far fetched.
"He did buy a knife. And he could have asked someone else to do it," Ronon counters.
John sighs. He hopes that not the case, because it would make Rodney that much harder to find.
"But we can still ask if he has been on this planet in the last few days. Surely a man like Rodney will not have been inconspicuous, at least not for a whole day," Teyla adds.
"Okay, let's go, then," John says. He flies to the first village near the gate, and sets down the puddle jumper where it should not gather to much attention.
Armed with a short vid of McKay on Zelenka's tablet, caught au naturel gesticulating at someone while talking, they start their quest for Rodney.
***
It's been two days, searching methodically eight planets so far where SGA-1 is concerned, thirty two total, and John has gone from cautiously optimist to totally on edge. He's been checking with Lorne almost on the dot every 90 minutes and so far there have been no concrete leads on Rodney's whereabouts. It's like he went through the wormhole and vanished into thin air. It's actually pretty impressive. Of course, they visited a lot of planets since they had made it to Pegasus, and they aren't even sure that Rodney has decided to limit himself to those. John is fairly sure that Rodney must have a file on his computer with a list of addresses of potentially interesting planets to explore.
After a couple of planets, the Team has gotten into a groove. John and Teyla visit the village leaders to make their quest official, while Ronon and Radek go see the merchants and taverns. The reactions vary from indifference to sympathy and they leave each time asking that if anyone hears something, or sees Rodney, to contact Tso who set an information relay camp in the village of Oriaje of P4E-472 for that purpose alone. The safety of Atlantis still comes first, and they cannot afford to tell their address to everyone.
John walks briskly through the woods with Teyla towards the castle and he can't say that he's particularly looking forward to see Queen Harmony again. On the other hand, she seems delighted to see him and basically flings herself in his arms, with a delighted squeal.
"Colonel Sheppard!" she says, grinning, then seems to remember proper Queen etiquette, and steps back and curtsies.
It's been two years since she's been crowned, but she's still only fifteen and John can't help but feel a little sad that she never could be a kid. But at fifteen in Pegasus, you're practically all grown up and she's turning into a beautiful young woman. Harmony exchanges a courteous nod with Teyla.
"Miss Emmagan, it's a joy to see you again," she says, easy and poised.
"All the pleasure is mine, your Highness," Teyla says, smiling back.
Harmony then frowns, looking towards the door.
"But Doctor McKay, he is not with you?" she says, sounding disappointed.
John has to refrain a sigh, since that means she has not heard about Rodney being on her planet, then. He forces a smile.
"No, my Queen, and it's why we're visiting. I understand you haven’t seen Rodney lately?" he asks.
"Not since the last time he came to examine the mini-drones, which has been too long ago." Harmony says, looking at John with narrowed eyes. "You are searching for Dr. McKay?"
"Yes, your Highness," Teyla says. "We're visiting planets we know he favors in hope of finding him."
It's definitely a good way to present their problem because it makes Harmony smile - she still hasn't gotten over her infatuation with McKay, John kept ribbing him about it - but then she becomes thoughtful. Her eyes go round, alarmed.
"Has he been kidnapped by a villain? Captured and sold for slavery? And when you got to his keeper he had, of course, used his staggering intelligence to escape but is now amnesic, trying to survive? Or he's..."
Whoa, that's some imagination, and John has to refrain from letting his bewilderment show on his face. He coughs to snap Harmony out of her romance novel plot and when she turns to him he explains.
"No, nothing like that. He left our world four days ago, without saying where he was going. He hasn't come back yet, so we're trying to find him."
"He left? Just got up and left?" Harmony says.
John grits his teeth.
"Yes."
She points an angry finger at John.
"Oh, that's surely all your fault, Colonel Sheppard. You always mock him and taunt him. He must have been hurt one time too many," Harmony says, all but vibrating in outrage on Rodney's behalf.
"Hey!" John says, defensive. That's not fair. "I don't do that; it's the way we are. We're friends, best friends. And he gives as much as he gets, if not more."
Harmony crosses her arms over her chest and glowers.
"You do not realize how sensitive Dr. McKay is, under the bluster. He's a gentle soul."
It takes all that John's got not to roll his eyes. He knows Rodney is affected by what is said about him way more that he wants everyone to believe. Everything shows up on his face, it's not like it's hard to read. But John doesn't try to hurt him, and if he ever did, it was unintentional.
"Okay, yes, I'll give you that. But are you sure you haven't seen him?" John asks.
Rodney can have asked for secrecy and Harmony, smitten as she is, maybe agreed. He'll probably ask questions to the castle's staff later, with the promise of money, just to narrow the searches or get a frigging clue. Sighing dramatically, Harmony slumps on her throne.
"No, I haven't seen him nor heard of him," Harmony says, before slanting a look at John below her eyelashes. "I'm sure that he would have loved to visit me, well us, more often but he was rescheduled by some other people," she adds.
John's going to throw his hands in the air in frustration real soon. He schools his face as neutral as he can, then steps towards the young girl. He stops when the hulking body guards seem about to step out and come for help.
"Okay. Look, Harmony, there's nothing I'd like more than finding Rodney right now. If I could drag him over here? I would. But cut the attitude," John says.
John's used to the fact that people recoil at this kind of looming, but Harmony just looks at him thoughtfully.
"I believe you. How can I help? If I hear anything at all about Dr. McKay, what should I do?" she asks.
John explains their methods of communication to Tso on P4E-472 for data gathering to Harmony, who seems serious about it. More eyes looking out are good; it means it increases the chances of learning something.
---
"Do you think I tease Rodney too much?" John asks Teyla, as they're making their way back to the jumper.
Teyla slants a look at him, and then shakes her head.
"I do not believe he minds, John. It relaxes him, the familiarity of it."
"It's not like he doesn't insult me right back," John says.
"And you enjoy it," Teyla teases.
John smiles, wistful.
"Yeah. He's one of a kind."
"That is for sure. I believe he will be right back with us where he belongs very shortly," Teyla says, putting her hand briefly on John's arm.
"I'm worried. Rodney, alone, out there..." John says. It's a given that everyone who knows John even a little bit is aware that he's not taking this well, but saying it aloud is kind of big for him.
"We are all worried. But Rodney is very resourceful. Do not underestimate him," Teyla reasons.
That's true, too. Put Rodney with a tough problem and he does his best work. John nods, and spots Ronon, leaning on the Jumper. He looks up and when John tilts his head in question, Ronon shakes his before entering the jumper. Another dud, then.
It's time to call Atlantis for a status report; maybe someone has been luckier elsewhere.
He hopes.
***
They had their three whole days searching with four teams, but it gave absolutely nothing at all, not even the hint of a clue. John is barely sleeping anymore, grabbing twenty minutes here and there out of sheer exhaustion and not always on his bed. He has to force himself to act as normal as possible and to not snap at anyone, especially when they come to him with nothing he wants to hear. The morning of the fourth day, John has already drained his third cup of coffee in order to have a simulacrum of brain function at the meeting in Woolsey's office.
Lorne passes around a listing of the planets considered, the ones visited crossed with the name of the team that went to it beside. The number of planets is slowly coming down, but not fast enough to John's liking. Lorne does a succinct but clear report: they have fuck all. Zelenka doesn't have much more on the alien device, since it's hard to do tests without going close to it, as it's still heavily quarantined. On the other hand, Forsberg has carefully studied the gate room footage and is now pausing and zooming on McKay's forearm.
"I was about to fall asleep yesterday, looking at this footage again, when a flare in the camera caught my attention. It's right about here," Forsberg says, before slowing the images until it advances frame by frame.
There is indeed a small flare and it seems to be from Rodney's left arm.
"His watch," John says, shrugging it off.
"That's what I thought too, until I got here," Forsberg says, and right on cue, there's two different flares. He rewinds, then pauses right on that moment, then zoom the image.
The footage is extremely grainy at that level of close up, and John squints, wishing his head would stop pounding for a minute. One of the flares does seem to come from the watch, but the other one comes from a thin metallic object right next to it.
"A bracelet?" Woolsey asks. "How is it relevant?"
But Zelenka is shaking his head.
"No, it is not a bracelet," he sounds so sure.
"Maybe he just got it," John says, but at the same time he wonders who'd give Rodney a bracelet, since he's not seeing anyone at the moment.
"Impossible," Zelenka adds. "Pass the footage again."
While Forsberg puts the whole gate room sequence at the start, Woolsey looks confused.
"And why would you say that, Doctor Zelenka?"
It suddenly dawns for John, and he looks more closely at the sequence, too. He answers Woolsey himself.
"Safety. No jewelry when playing with machinery. The only thing Rodney wears is his damn watch with the zillion and one alarms set up on it."
But if it's something other than his watch, what could it be? Rodney's wearing long sleeves but definitely looking at his watch a lot. Unless he's not looking at his watch at all. Rodney grows more agitated by the minute, until they go off-world.
Major Kersey is there, and he's tilting his head at the screen.
"Doctor McKay did look at his watch, or at this bracelet, right after we stepped off on YY7-636", he says.
"And?" John can't believe he has to ask for elaboration.
"He sighed deeply. At the time I thought it was in exasperation, but now that I think of it, it could have been relief," Kersey says.
"If I am not mistaken, I would say that the bracelet is made of the same material that composes the protuberance of the machine we found in the lab," Zelenka muses.
John remembers vaguely wires everywhere, shiny and with no apparent purpose. So what happened? It's all conjectures, but something gets attached to Rodney, he figures he's compromised, feels the need to get out of Atlantis ASAP... Plausible but why didn't he say anything to anyone? That's what John wants to know. Needs to know. Rodney just left, like that, and it doesn't make any sense.
"Okay, thanks for the info Forsberg. Zelenka, I want you to really isolate that machine, no more poking at it when you think I won't know about it," John says. It's a long shot, but the way Zelenka blushes and looks to the side lets John know he hit the bulls-eye. John can't get it in him to be mad though, they all want to know what happened. "So what are the planets that didn't get explored on the original list?"
Lorne is about to answer when he's cut out by Woolsey.
"Before we discuss what is coming next, I suggest we take a pause," he says, but his smile is forced and John has a bad feeling about what is to come. It's like Woolsey said the magic words, though, because everyone is getting up and stretching, some probably dashing to the mess hall to get some coffee. John crosses his arms, staying in place.
Woolsey meets his gaze full on. As soon as they're alone in the room, he says:
"We have to scale down the search, Colonel."
John knew that was coming. He has to take a deep breath before he answers, so he doesn't get in Woolsey's sneaky little face.
"No," John says.
With a sigh that sounds as if he was expecting just as much from him, Woolsey then tries the gentle approach.
"John..."
John springs up from his seat, gets as close and looming as he wants to be.
"Richard," he parrots, icy cold. "It's very simple: we keep looking."
Unfortunately, Woolsey got tougher over the years, and he doesn't look impressed at all. All on the contrary, he sounds steely and determined.
"I am saying that we cannot scatter our best elements all over the galaxy forever, Colonel!" Woolsey hisses.
"It's only been three days! Come on!" John says, throwing his arms in the air.
"You know as well as I do that the search could be totally futile. Obviously, Dr. McKay had a good reason to leave. When he can, he'll come back," Woolsey says, unmoved.
It's not like John didn't hope for that to happen, but what if it's not enough? What if Rodney has been hurt, that this bracelet has incapacitated him in some way?
"I want the search teams as they are for another four days. A week, total." John can't believe he has to negotiate this.
It doesn't seem to please Woolsey, but he nods.
"Agreed. But I will scale the search down if we get to that limit, Colonel. And I want your word you won't fight me on this."
It doesn't please John at all, but he knows that he has to make some concessions.
"Fine. We'll scale it down then," John agrees. He'll fight teeth and nails so it's not too much of a drop though, but he stays hush on that. "But ‘til we get there, we do this my way."
John really wishes he could slam the door as he leaves. It does swish closed extra fast, though. He hopes it's in Woolsey's face.
***
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
The week ends with absolutely no progress. Four teams drop to two, of course John's being one of them, but he has to leave Zelenka in Atlantis, which annoys him to no end. Simpson knows what she's doing, though, so he can't complain too much. John knows that soon he'll have no argument to continue the search, except from asking for Rodney on every planet they visit on missions, so he ups the tempo on the searches while he can. They leave Atlantis at 0600 every morning and are rarely back before 2200, empty handed and frustrated. They operate like a well oiled machine, question key members of the community, barely go through the basic acts of politeness specific to the culture they visit, and when it's clear that's its another dud, they leave for the next address on the list.
One night, John realizes he barely said a dozen words all day unless it was interrogations. Ronon and Teyla give him space, which he needs, and Simpson knows better than to start inane chatter with him. In fact, most of Atlantis' personnel give him a wide berth if they can these days. John knows he's cranky, but he's not sleeping well and the few times he does sleep for a bit more he wakes up gasping from nightmares he doesn't remember. His appetite is shot to hell, too. He considered going to Keller to get some pills, but he's afraid she'll take one look at him and send him to the shrink, or worse, ground him. He’s barely slept four hours at night for the last three days and when he staggers back to his quarters that night, head pounding, he's so weary he just want to lay down and never move again. John hopes he's going to pass out from exhaustion, and that it will be enough not to dream.
John's stripping off his shirt and toeing his boots on auto-pilot when he blinks at the bed, wondering why there's so much stuff on it. Stuff preventing him from facepalming right there and then. It takes way too long for his brain to process that it's not his bed at all. Somehow, he ended up in Rodney's room. He has no idea why, it was not conscious at all, but to be faced with Rodney's things, so familiar for the hundreds of times when he’s come over to play computer games or watch a movie is like a punch to John's gut. He sits down heavily on the bed, fully intending to put his boots back on, but then he just stays there, elbows on his thighs, face in his hands, focusing on breathing because he's so tired he's afraid his brain might forget the basics. After a minute, the mere idea of reaching for the boots, putting them on and then walking to his room seems overwhelming. Instead he pushes stuff further down the bed, lifts the covers and slips in.
He's out like a light as soon as his head hits the pillow.
***
The alarm on his watch wakes John up and he stretches, brain foggy with sleep. It would be good, so good, to just turn around and let everything fall away for a little bit more. He's comfortable, warm, and maybe he could get away with it. As awareness comes creeping back, though, little details are off. The bed, for one, is hard and definitely long enough to stretch on, which is a luxury. It all clicks into place, then: Rodney's room, Rodney's bed and John feels a freak out coming on, fast. Not because he fell asleep in Rodney's room, he was exhausted enough to fall asleep anywhere quiet, but what makes alarm bells go off in John's brain is that for the first time in weeks he slept well. John knows, deep in his chest, that it's because he was surrounded by Rodney's smell on the pillow case, in his sheets.
This is huge. This is not "I miss my best friend/teammate" behavior. Or more specifically it's exactly that, with a hearty side of "look at that, I might have feelings for my best friend/teammate" behavior. And where did that come from? They're friends, close too, more than John ever let happen in so long, he'll agree to that. They do spend a lot of time together, have a nice banter going on, and he enjoys it. And yes, he misses Rodney like a phantom limb right now. But from there to want to burrow in Rodney's bed for the foreseeable future because it smells like him is a whole different story.
Of course, John has noticed that Rodney's not bad looking at all, in the objective way that he checks out everyone he meets. Piercing blue eyes, wide shoulders, that special McKay spark that comes from being so brilliant and snarky; John's not even surprised that Rodney, with all of his astringent personality, managed to have two somewhat serious girlfriends on Atlantis while John never got past a couple of nights. Not that he ever pursued anything more.
So okay, Rodney's attractive, but John's convinced he never thought about him, at least consciously, in a physical way before. In fact, John's sole homosexual baggage consists of a couple of hurried handjobs in summer camp when he was fourteen. It had been thrilling at the time but then life went back to normal, school and girls and after a while John had chalked it up to experimentation. Over the years he'd felt some sort of attraction to nice looking guys a couple of times, but had never acted on it, as the risk at the time far outweighed his curiosity.
John's absolutely certain that he feels more for Rodney than love for a friend, or even family. But he's not even sure that he wants Rodney, that he'd want to have sex with him. He tries to picture it, wonders if he'd want to get touched and the sudden flash of Rodney's big square hand closing around his cock makes him hard so fast there's no way to deny that he's attracted to Rodney anymore. Shit, he's totally screwed. Groaning, John mashes his face in Rodney's pillow and tries to think of anything else, but other images come to him, Rodney on his knees before him, looking up as he sucks him in and fuck, John shoves a hand in his pants and he's jerking off with no finesse, hard and punishing and barely five strokes later he's coming, curling on himself with the intensity of it. Panting as his heartbeat comes back to normal, John is kind of shocked at what just happened. Okay, so it answers the question: he'd totally be up for sex with Rodney.
But then again, for that to happen, Rodney would need to be interested back, and yeah, little chance of that. Sighing, John just hits his head on the bed a couple of times.
Way to make your life even more complicated, Sheppard, he thinks to himself.
***
Part 3