Fic: "A Hole in the World", (3/4)
Part 1, Part 2
After three weeks, they stop the systematic every day search. For the next two, John fights with Woolsey almost non-stop, finding the most inane things to snarl over. Even Lorne's keeping his distance by now, and the only ones who seem to be - still - seeking his company are Teyla, Ronon and Zelenka. John doesn't know why they bother because he's definitely acting like an asshole most of the time. He hasn't gone back to Rodney's room, and he won't either it because it's creepy to sleep and then get off in your missing best friend's bed.
It's quite incredible that they didn't manage to find any info at all on Rodney. In the middle of running Atlantis and the regular contact missions, John still devotes a couple of hours a day to the search, going over reports and the database of planets they have, although he manages only occasionally to go out himself in the field. The few rumors they had were just that, a sighting that after investigation was months old, or someone who'd heard about the search and tried to sell them false info. When he stepped out of YY7-636, Rodney all but dematerialized and didn't show up anywhere else. John had Zelenka check one more time if there had not been a solar flare, or any gate dysfunction, but there was no evidence of it at all. Carter even came as a consultant, through the gate, and it soothes John's nerves a little that the SGC authorities find it as important as he does to find Rodney. She left without it giving anything new, though.
It's been five weeks and John knows that Woolsey will look the other way at the searches he's doing now for a little while, but every instinct in John demands that he does more. When Ford had left Atlantis, they had looked for a while too, and it was not enough. John doesn't want to make the same mistake twice. And this is for Rodney, and Atlantis needs him. They're lucky there hasn't been a life or death situation since he left, or at least nothing that Zelenka could not handle. But it will come, and then they'll need Rodney. John admits it to himself that he needs Rodney to come back, too; he can't go on like he's doing now, with a couple of hours of sleep a night and unable to concentrate on his job.
He overheard once, as he entered the locker room, a marine telling another that it was unlikely McKay would have made it on his own that long in Pegasus. John had just stood there, frozen, and when the guy had looked up and saw him, there must have been something in the way John looked because he turned white and scared. John then proceeded to tell him just exactly who he was talking about, and all the ways he was wrong, so very wrong. It wasn’t just words: John is convinced that Rodney is still out there, alive and kicking.
Anyway, the alternative is inconceivable.
***
John stays in his chair once the weekly staff meeting is over and he realizes he doesn't remember half of what was said. Woolsey, who's the last in the room with him, throws him an assessing look.
"How are you doing, John?"
Woolsey's not a bad guy most of the time. John sighs deeply.
"I'm tired," he admits.
"Maybe..." Woolsey starts, but John interrupts him. He's thought about what to do next, considered all of his options, and this one seems the best.
"I need some vacation time," John says.
Woolsey looks surprised, but schools his face pretty fast after that and nods.
"It's been a tough time, it could be an idea. The Daedalus..."
The Daedalus is expected in a couple of days and will leave in two weeks towards Earth. John knows that.
"Yes. I've been piling up vacation days for a while now," John says. It's true, they never have any time to take them.
Head tilting to the side, Woolsey considers him.
"How long are you thinking of?"
"A month," John says, definitive. He knows that Woolsey won't want to see him leave that long, plus the Daedalus runs. "A month, total," John clarifies. "I don't want to go back to Earth."
Woolsey's not stupid.
"You don't want a vacation, you want to go look for Dr. McKay," he says.
There's no reason to deny it. John shrugs.
"Yeah. I need to get out of here," John says. He feels like Atlantis is oppressing lately, as if she senses he's unhappy and tries too hard. "It will give everyone a breather, and we'll avoid a mutiny."
"It won't be a vacation. You need to rest, John."
"I'll rest when he's back." John declares.
Woolsey turns and John knows that it's because he doesn't want John to see the pity. But to be honest, John doesn't care all that much anymore if he appears pathetic.
"I guess we could live without one of the puddle jumpers for a month," Woolsey says, fiddling with his tablet, as if musing out loud.
The unexpected offer makes John's jaw drop. Woolsey turns and catches his expression, and has a rueful smile.
"I do care, Colonel. Believe me," he says.
"Thank you," John says, heartfelt. He hadn't counted on that, it will make his life way easier. "I'll check with Lorne and I'll leave tomorrow. If it's okay, I'll check in every day."
For leads. In case he's back. To see if you guys are okay, he doesn't have to say. Woolsey nods.
"Yes, best of luck, Colonel. I hope you bring him home."
John does too.
***
John tosses his duffel in the jumper next to a couple of crates of MREs, and goes back to the armory to get a bit of ammo when he finds Ronon filling a bag with enough explosive to put a small moon off course. He raises his eyebrows.
"Planning fireworks, buddy?" John asks him.
"You never know what could be useful," Ronon says with a shrug. He straightens up, slings the bag over his shoulder and looks at John expectantly. "Are we going or what?"
John had said he was taking some time off - no one had been fooled - but he didn't expect anyone to come with him.
"I'm doing this on my own, pal," John says. There is no need to drag anyone into his obsessive compulsive search.
"No you're not," Ronon says, as if it's obvious.
"You don't need..." John starts.
"Don't be stupid, Sheppard. Let's go," Ronon says, passing near him and going for the door, as if John has nothing to say to that. And he guesses he doesn't.
John grabs a Wraith stunner and a couple of clips for his gun and sighs, before following him. In the jumper bay, he sees that Zelenka, Woolsey, Carson, Lorne and Teyla came to see him go.
They look a little quiet, watching him approach. John musters a smile.
"Hey guys, stop looking as if I'm going to my death or something. It's just a little vacation, exploring the Pegasus galaxy," he says, smirking.
"Looking for Rodney," Zelenka adds. He doesn't look like he disapproves, but as if he's worried about John. In fact they all look worried about him, that's why they are his friends. His family. He does appreciate it, even if it's smothering at times. John's always been a loner, before.
"That too, while I'm there," John finally says with a nod. He exchanges a glance with Woolsey who nods back.
"We all hope you can find something," Woolsey says.
"But you really need to rest a bit, lad," Carson says. He's always been a worrier.
The thing is that John won't have a choice to take it slow, he is pretty exhausted. He just doesn't want to have to worry about running Atlantis while he looks for Rodney, it will be easier that way. John smiles at Carson.
"I'll take it easy, I promise," John says.
"I'll make sure of it," Ronon adds, loading his backpack after having secured the explosives under the jumper's benches.
"See?" John drawls, exaggerating his cool, "if I overdo it, he'll sit on me or something."
"I'll make sure the gate room technicians always have the latest status report on Atlantis and the search, Sir," Lorne says. And he will, he's dependable like that. John shakes his second's hand. He's damn lucky to have someone like him he can trust to make things run smoothly while he's gone.
"Thanks. The place is safe with you. I'll check in often," John says.
He was expecting something like this could happen, so John tries not to be too stiff when Teyla hugs him. In fact, he hugs her back, trying to leech in a bit of her Zen. They part, after doing the Athosian salute.
"Be safe, John," she says, serious and solemn.
"I will," he swears.
Suddenly, John finds himself with an armful of tiny Czech, which throws him off a little. It's mercifully quick, though, but fierce and completed by pats on the back.
"Bring him home. Tell him I am tired of doing his job on top of mine," Zelenka says, voice lower than normal, before he dashes out of the jumper bay, muttering under his breath.
John watches Radek go, a bit stunned, and then starts backing into the jumper, hoping no one else is planning surprise hugs. It's time to get out of here.
"Okay, well, bye gang. See you."
He closes the door on their goodbyes and goes to sit in the pilot chair, under Ronon's scrutiny. John is touched that so many people care about him, but it's a bit overwhelming. He looks back at Ronon, who of course doesn't offer what is on his mind. They end up looking at each other for a minute, and John's the first to break, looking at the commands, bringing up the first address he has on his new list.
"Let's do this," John says.
***
As he promised Carson, John searches but it's not the frantic pace that he had set up before. Most days they only visit one planet, getting the interrogation done in the morning, then just looking around for a while. John always asks questions just before leaving, too, usually the next morning, in the off chance that someone will have remembered something after talking to them. No one ever does.
On the planets they visit, they run into very little trouble and frankly John sees wonders: breathtaking mountains and gorgeous scenery, oceans with waves to die for, animals so exotic he just looks at them in awe. Too bad he can't appreciate it, not fully. But slowly, paced down by Ronon's quiet presence by his side, John gets a bit of his equilibrium back. He's not as enraged every minute anymore.
Two weeks in, on a planet that's full of fireflies, John's poking despondently at the logs in their campfire with a stick.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
The low rumble of Ronon's voice startles John out of his fascination with the sparks, and his heart speeds up. He shakes his head.
"No," John says. It would probably help, but he can't. "Maybe another time." It's his way to say thank you for caring.
After that, Ronon gets in the habit of asking the same question every day, although never at the same time, so John can't prepare for it. It's sneaky, because John thinks about it, now, about spilling his guts, or at least voicing his worries. Ronon's way more tactful and sensitive than people give him credit for.
So Ronon asks, and John shakes him off, but it's more and more difficult.
***
It's mid afternoon, and the sun is harsh while they paddle on the otherwise still lake. Ronon has managed to barter the use of what amounts to be a two-man kayak to go check out a small island covered with too much forest to land the jumper. On it there are ruins of a tower similar to a lighthouse that was clearly built by the ancients. Even on vacation, if there's a chance to find a ZPM, they're going to have a look.
John's paddling in front and he can feel Ronon's eyes on the back of his head. He fidgets, knowing that Ronon could ask again real soon and John has no defense today, not hammered like this in the sun. His sunglasses are not even dark enough to protect his eyes properly. John speaks first.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" John says, and he feels like an asshole not having asked before. Way to be self-involved.
"I miss him," Ronon says, easy.
John nods and sighs. Maybe it's that simple.
"Yeah. Yeah, me too," he admits. "I didn't realize..." and that's where the words dry up, his throat closing around them.
"It's like the noise level on Atlantis dropped by half," Ronon says and John snorts. "Doesn't feel right."
Maybe it's because John's not expected to look back at Ronon, as he's paddling for the island, but it makes it easier somehow to admit it too.
"No, it doesn't. I don't feel right," John says. There. He doesn't feel right at all.
"S'normal, you love him," Ronon says and John’s easy elliptic movement with the oar is derailed for a second, before he remembers to breathe.
"Yeah," John whispers after a couple of strokes. Admitting this in the light of day, out loud, is huge. But it's Ronon, and he trusts him. "I didn't even know, before he left."
The sound of Ronon's paddle in the water is steady like a metronome.
"Now you do," he says.
John sighs. Yes he does.
***
John's new Zen is shattered to tiny pieces three days later when they barely escape being mauled by bears, or some beast close enough to call it that. Once safe in the jumper, John's high on adrenaline and fear, and he starts kicking almost empty crates and he punches the jumper's wall, only succeeding in making his hand throb. Ronon's quiet in the front, sitting down in his seat and not even looking at him, waiting for John to get his control back. John almost wishes for an ill timed remark, anything, so it would justify a punch, start a fight. But no, this is fucking Ronon, who's way too good at this, at handling him. John's blood is running hot in his veins and he wants to hurt and not just inside. Maybe another kind of pain would numb everything enough so he could fucking breathe normally.
John goes to sit in his seat and starts the pre-flight check up. He considers for a moment using a drone on the sorta-bears that are just there, in the clearing before them, looking at the puddle jumper with curiosity. He wants to pulverize them. At last, Ronon looks at him, and there's the hint of a quirk to his lips; it's enough.
"What? You find this funny? What the fuck is your problem?" John hisses.
That grants him the eyebrow raise.
"You want me to beat you up, don't you?" Ronon asks, nonchalant.
Way, way too perceptive, that kid. John scowls and makes the jumper take off instead, and flies almost straight up, then drops it in a controlled spiral straight down. The ground is rushing towards them fast, and John pulls up towards the sky at the last second, before diving again. The inertial dampeners take away most of the sensation but it's still acrobatics with a ship he controls with his mind, and after ten minutes of it John feels way better, calmer and focused. It's only when he's back to flying in a straight line that John looks at Ronon, who is unusually pale. Ha. Take that, smartass.
"Should have beaten you up," Ronon says, swallowing hard.
It startles a laugh out of John.
"Maybe," John admits, and he open and closes the hand that is still throbbing. It's probably better this way, just the hand.
"McKay's okay," Ronon says.
"You don't know that," John says. "He maybe came face to face with bears, too, but had no jumper to hide in." That's what had enraged him so much. The reminder that this fucking galaxy always throws you a curve ball when you least expect it.
"He's smart, and he can take care of himself."
That makes John shakes his head.
"Rodney? He's too distracted, he'd get ambushed," John argues.
"That's when he relies on us to check out for him. He's tougher than you think. Tougher than he knows," Ronon says.
"He's a scientist," John says.
"McKay's not a frail duilah, Sheppard."
Of course he's not a wilting flower. In fact, Rodney's stronger than him, physically, although he doesn't want to make the effort to develop it. The edge John keeps on Rodney is because of his years of training. But it doesn't matter if Rodney could bench press more than him if he just put a little heart into it and stop complaining about his back. Wherever he is, John should be there to protect him anyway.
"He didn't even take a tent. What if he got stung by a bee or something? Or if he pissed someone off and got thrown in jail? There are always the Genii, or even worst the Wraiths. We don't know, Ronon. We don't know if he's okay and I have to find him."
"We won't find him," Ronon says.
"What?" John says. He can't believe Ronon would say something like that.
"Not if he doesn't want us to."
The worst thing is that John's starting to believe that. Their search is not even tracking; they don't have one single clue. It's master dissimulating, and John would be impressed if he was not so worried.
"Then what? We stop looking?" John asks.
Ronon shrugs.
"I never said that."
"Then we'll keep looking," John says with resolve.
Maybe they'll get lucky.
***
John's been contacting Atlantis every night, before setting camp. So far, it seems he didn't miss much action, apart from someone blowing up a thankfully empty-at-the-time lab. He's not expecting anything different tonight, though he's surprised when he connects and he's greeted by Lorne.
"How's it going Evan?"
"Fine Sir, thanks. All is under control," he says, but there's an undercurrent to his second's voice. "I might have something for you, Sir"
John blinks.
"What? About McKay?"
"Yes, although it's pretty weak. Billick overheard something, in a market on Thalio. Two guys, buying supplies, and one was complaining to the other that it better do this time, because he was tired of getting his head bitten off."
Hope rises in John's chest. Shit, it could be. And at the same time, Rodney's not the only cranky person in the galaxy.
"Tell me Billick interrogated them?" John says.
Evan sighs.
"Yes, he did, but they shut up like clams. Played stupid. Then they got the hell out of dodge."
It could be a huge lead.
"Did Billick follow them?" John asks.
"He tried, but they lost him." Lorne sounds as annoyed by this as John is. Shit, it could have been good.
"Why could this help, then?" John says, demoralized.
"Billick asked around," Lorne says. "Turns out they were Travelers. They were looking for specific spaceship parts."
It's like John's been hit right between the eyes, it makes so much sense.
"Son of a bitch," John exhales.
***
Suffice to say, the vacation was cut short and John goes right back to Atlantis. John calls for a meeting for 2000, which gives him just enough time to grab a bite, shower and shave. In Woolsey's office, there's a thrumming sense of expectation that has long been lacking. John nods at everyone.
"Okay, so, Travelers," John says, cutting to the chase. He can't believe they didn't think to contact them. "First thing first, is it possible to contact them at the moment?"
"Yes, we located them and were just waiting for you, Sir," Lorne says. "They're expecting a communication tonight."
"Everyone okay with that?" John asks.
He's met with nods.
"Of course," Woolsey says. "But since their ships are falling apart, I am sure that they are in great need of Dr. McKay's assistance, and I would not necessarily believe if they said they don't know where he is."
John has to say that Woolsey has a point, there.
"Agreed." He tilts his head towards the control room. "How about we make the call right now and see what they have to say?"
Everyone gets up and they crowd around the console, while Chuck dials the gate, and then send the signal that will make it to the ships. At the same time, he brings online on the video screen feed. As John expected it's Larrin who appears on screen, smirking.
"Travelers, this is Atlantis," John says.
"Colonel Sheppard," she practically purrs, "it has been a long time."
"Hey, Larrin. Sure has. Everything okay for you guys?" John asks, trying to be civil and biting his cheek.
"Never better, thanks," she says with a cheeky grin and that's it, John's too tired to pretend.
"Good. Dr. McKay would not be with you, by any chance?" he asks, trying to look cool and collected.
She shrugs.
"No, Dr. McKay finished his contract today and has left the ship."
John tries very hard not to tense. First, that means Rodney's okay. Second, it's one hell of a fresh lead.
"Okay, so do you know how to contact him?" John asks.
Larrin eyebrows shoot up.
"Because you don't?" She looks honestly surprised and it seems Rodney must have fed the Travelers some story about why he's not on Atlantis anymore that's quite different from the reality. Larrin starts to smile but must see John's very strong intention to strangle her, because she immediately adds. "We don't contact him, he contacts us."
Under the circumstances, it makes sense, so John tries to smile without showing to many teeth.
"Okay then, tell me where you dropped him, and we'll take it from there," John says.
She looks to the side, then back at the screen.
"That would be Polvin," she says and John's stomach drops. It's a deserted planet, and if it's true, obviously Rodney's covering his tracks again.
"Okay, thanks. Could you do me a favor, if you talk to him before I do?" John asks.
"Sure," Larrin says, throwing her hair over her shoulder and propping her chin on her hand, the very picture of someone listening intently.
"Tell McKay he needs to update us on his situation," John says, going for casual.
"Because he isn't? How interesting." She looks fascinated, and not a little smug about it. "What did you do, Sheppard, to make your Chief Science Officer leave Atlantis and not contact you?"
"That's none of your business, Larrin. Just give him the message." John says, gritting his teeth. "That will be all. Be safe out there."
She scoffs.
"What, that's it? No new strategy to strike against the Wraiths? You contact us just to speak with your precious McKay? Who's lucky he's as good as he says fixing my ships, by the way, so I didn't space him. I was tempted."
"Try living for six years with the guy," John counters and she makes a face. "Yeah, that's the only reason I called. You better not be lying to my face, not saying where he is, though. Because if I find out, I'll come and kick your ass myself."
When he sees Lorne make a face from the corner of his eyes, John figures that was maybe a bit over the line. It makes Larrin laugh, though.
"Ohhh, I am scared. Remember, I usually kick your ass, Sheppard," she says.
"That's because I never hit back before," John growls.
When she starts laughing again, John hits the button almost savagely, ending the transmission. Larrin always has had this gift for getting him riled up, and not always in the good way.
"What do we do now?" Zelenka asks. "A visit to Polvin?"
John sighs.
"I guess," he says. They had been there on the search, in the first days, and it hadn't given anything.
In the spirit of thoroughness, Chuck dials and John, Ronon and Zelenka gear up and go through the wormhole. They're about to walk down the ramp, sun high noon here even if it's nighttime in Atlantis, when Ronon grabs their arms.
"What is it?" John says, and immediately scans the horizon, P-90 at the ready.
Ronon points at the ground that is covered by sand. There's one set of footprints, military issue boots the right size for Rodney, that go down to the DHD, then right back up to the ring. John lets his head fall backward, shutting his eyes, and the hope he had tried so hard not to feel vanishes. Oh, Rodney was most probably here, but only long enough to dial right back out, going anywhere.
And with that, they're back to square one.
***
The next day, John's sparring with Teyla, maybe overdoing it a little, when she decides to play Doctor Phil at her turn.
"At least we know that Rodney is well," she says, deflecting his stick easily.
"Yeah," John says, not biting.
He doesn't want to talk, he wants to fight, damnit. He launches another attack but it's disconcertingly easy how Teyla dances away from it without even one blow touching.
"I am sure he has a reason for staying away, John. A good one," she says, relentless.
This time, John doesn't even answer. And what if he does? John's sick and tired of playing hide and seek.
That's it, he's done.
He goes in too fast and John can feel the sharp hit on his shoulder resonate right down to his fingers.
****
Part 4
After three weeks, they stop the systematic every day search. For the next two, John fights with Woolsey almost non-stop, finding the most inane things to snarl over. Even Lorne's keeping his distance by now, and the only ones who seem to be - still - seeking his company are Teyla, Ronon and Zelenka. John doesn't know why they bother because he's definitely acting like an asshole most of the time. He hasn't gone back to Rodney's room, and he won't either it because it's creepy to sleep and then get off in your missing best friend's bed.
It's quite incredible that they didn't manage to find any info at all on Rodney. In the middle of running Atlantis and the regular contact missions, John still devotes a couple of hours a day to the search, going over reports and the database of planets they have, although he manages only occasionally to go out himself in the field. The few rumors they had were just that, a sighting that after investigation was months old, or someone who'd heard about the search and tried to sell them false info. When he stepped out of YY7-636, Rodney all but dematerialized and didn't show up anywhere else. John had Zelenka check one more time if there had not been a solar flare, or any gate dysfunction, but there was no evidence of it at all. Carter even came as a consultant, through the gate, and it soothes John's nerves a little that the SGC authorities find it as important as he does to find Rodney. She left without it giving anything new, though.
It's been five weeks and John knows that Woolsey will look the other way at the searches he's doing now for a little while, but every instinct in John demands that he does more. When Ford had left Atlantis, they had looked for a while too, and it was not enough. John doesn't want to make the same mistake twice. And this is for Rodney, and Atlantis needs him. They're lucky there hasn't been a life or death situation since he left, or at least nothing that Zelenka could not handle. But it will come, and then they'll need Rodney. John admits it to himself that he needs Rodney to come back, too; he can't go on like he's doing now, with a couple of hours of sleep a night and unable to concentrate on his job.
He overheard once, as he entered the locker room, a marine telling another that it was unlikely McKay would have made it on his own that long in Pegasus. John had just stood there, frozen, and when the guy had looked up and saw him, there must have been something in the way John looked because he turned white and scared. John then proceeded to tell him just exactly who he was talking about, and all the ways he was wrong, so very wrong. It wasn’t just words: John is convinced that Rodney is still out there, alive and kicking.
Anyway, the alternative is inconceivable.
***
John stays in his chair once the weekly staff meeting is over and he realizes he doesn't remember half of what was said. Woolsey, who's the last in the room with him, throws him an assessing look.
"How are you doing, John?"
Woolsey's not a bad guy most of the time. John sighs deeply.
"I'm tired," he admits.
"Maybe..." Woolsey starts, but John interrupts him. He's thought about what to do next, considered all of his options, and this one seems the best.
"I need some vacation time," John says.
Woolsey looks surprised, but schools his face pretty fast after that and nods.
"It's been a tough time, it could be an idea. The Daedalus..."
The Daedalus is expected in a couple of days and will leave in two weeks towards Earth. John knows that.
"Yes. I've been piling up vacation days for a while now," John says. It's true, they never have any time to take them.
Head tilting to the side, Woolsey considers him.
"How long are you thinking of?"
"A month," John says, definitive. He knows that Woolsey won't want to see him leave that long, plus the Daedalus runs. "A month, total," John clarifies. "I don't want to go back to Earth."
Woolsey's not stupid.
"You don't want a vacation, you want to go look for Dr. McKay," he says.
There's no reason to deny it. John shrugs.
"Yeah. I need to get out of here," John says. He feels like Atlantis is oppressing lately, as if she senses he's unhappy and tries too hard. "It will give everyone a breather, and we'll avoid a mutiny."
"It won't be a vacation. You need to rest, John."
"I'll rest when he's back." John declares.
Woolsey turns and John knows that it's because he doesn't want John to see the pity. But to be honest, John doesn't care all that much anymore if he appears pathetic.
"I guess we could live without one of the puddle jumpers for a month," Woolsey says, fiddling with his tablet, as if musing out loud.
The unexpected offer makes John's jaw drop. Woolsey turns and catches his expression, and has a rueful smile.
"I do care, Colonel. Believe me," he says.
"Thank you," John says, heartfelt. He hadn't counted on that, it will make his life way easier. "I'll check with Lorne and I'll leave tomorrow. If it's okay, I'll check in every day."
For leads. In case he's back. To see if you guys are okay, he doesn't have to say. Woolsey nods.
"Yes, best of luck, Colonel. I hope you bring him home."
John does too.
***
John tosses his duffel in the jumper next to a couple of crates of MREs, and goes back to the armory to get a bit of ammo when he finds Ronon filling a bag with enough explosive to put a small moon off course. He raises his eyebrows.
"Planning fireworks, buddy?" John asks him.
"You never know what could be useful," Ronon says with a shrug. He straightens up, slings the bag over his shoulder and looks at John expectantly. "Are we going or what?"
John had said he was taking some time off - no one had been fooled - but he didn't expect anyone to come with him.
"I'm doing this on my own, pal," John says. There is no need to drag anyone into his obsessive compulsive search.
"No you're not," Ronon says, as if it's obvious.
"You don't need..." John starts.
"Don't be stupid, Sheppard. Let's go," Ronon says, passing near him and going for the door, as if John has nothing to say to that. And he guesses he doesn't.
John grabs a Wraith stunner and a couple of clips for his gun and sighs, before following him. In the jumper bay, he sees that Zelenka, Woolsey, Carson, Lorne and Teyla came to see him go.
They look a little quiet, watching him approach. John musters a smile.
"Hey guys, stop looking as if I'm going to my death or something. It's just a little vacation, exploring the Pegasus galaxy," he says, smirking.
"Looking for Rodney," Zelenka adds. He doesn't look like he disapproves, but as if he's worried about John. In fact they all look worried about him, that's why they are his friends. His family. He does appreciate it, even if it's smothering at times. John's always been a loner, before.
"That too, while I'm there," John finally says with a nod. He exchanges a glance with Woolsey who nods back.
"We all hope you can find something," Woolsey says.
"But you really need to rest a bit, lad," Carson says. He's always been a worrier.
The thing is that John won't have a choice to take it slow, he is pretty exhausted. He just doesn't want to have to worry about running Atlantis while he looks for Rodney, it will be easier that way. John smiles at Carson.
"I'll take it easy, I promise," John says.
"I'll make sure of it," Ronon adds, loading his backpack after having secured the explosives under the jumper's benches.
"See?" John drawls, exaggerating his cool, "if I overdo it, he'll sit on me or something."
"I'll make sure the gate room technicians always have the latest status report on Atlantis and the search, Sir," Lorne says. And he will, he's dependable like that. John shakes his second's hand. He's damn lucky to have someone like him he can trust to make things run smoothly while he's gone.
"Thanks. The place is safe with you. I'll check in often," John says.
He was expecting something like this could happen, so John tries not to be too stiff when Teyla hugs him. In fact, he hugs her back, trying to leech in a bit of her Zen. They part, after doing the Athosian salute.
"Be safe, John," she says, serious and solemn.
"I will," he swears.
Suddenly, John finds himself with an armful of tiny Czech, which throws him off a little. It's mercifully quick, though, but fierce and completed by pats on the back.
"Bring him home. Tell him I am tired of doing his job on top of mine," Zelenka says, voice lower than normal, before he dashes out of the jumper bay, muttering under his breath.
John watches Radek go, a bit stunned, and then starts backing into the jumper, hoping no one else is planning surprise hugs. It's time to get out of here.
"Okay, well, bye gang. See you."
He closes the door on their goodbyes and goes to sit in the pilot chair, under Ronon's scrutiny. John is touched that so many people care about him, but it's a bit overwhelming. He looks back at Ronon, who of course doesn't offer what is on his mind. They end up looking at each other for a minute, and John's the first to break, looking at the commands, bringing up the first address he has on his new list.
"Let's do this," John says.
***
As he promised Carson, John searches but it's not the frantic pace that he had set up before. Most days they only visit one planet, getting the interrogation done in the morning, then just looking around for a while. John always asks questions just before leaving, too, usually the next morning, in the off chance that someone will have remembered something after talking to them. No one ever does.
On the planets they visit, they run into very little trouble and frankly John sees wonders: breathtaking mountains and gorgeous scenery, oceans with waves to die for, animals so exotic he just looks at them in awe. Too bad he can't appreciate it, not fully. But slowly, paced down by Ronon's quiet presence by his side, John gets a bit of his equilibrium back. He's not as enraged every minute anymore.
Two weeks in, on a planet that's full of fireflies, John's poking despondently at the logs in their campfire with a stick.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
The low rumble of Ronon's voice startles John out of his fascination with the sparks, and his heart speeds up. He shakes his head.
"No," John says. It would probably help, but he can't. "Maybe another time." It's his way to say thank you for caring.
After that, Ronon gets in the habit of asking the same question every day, although never at the same time, so John can't prepare for it. It's sneaky, because John thinks about it, now, about spilling his guts, or at least voicing his worries. Ronon's way more tactful and sensitive than people give him credit for.
So Ronon asks, and John shakes him off, but it's more and more difficult.
***
It's mid afternoon, and the sun is harsh while they paddle on the otherwise still lake. Ronon has managed to barter the use of what amounts to be a two-man kayak to go check out a small island covered with too much forest to land the jumper. On it there are ruins of a tower similar to a lighthouse that was clearly built by the ancients. Even on vacation, if there's a chance to find a ZPM, they're going to have a look.
John's paddling in front and he can feel Ronon's eyes on the back of his head. He fidgets, knowing that Ronon could ask again real soon and John has no defense today, not hammered like this in the sun. His sunglasses are not even dark enough to protect his eyes properly. John speaks first.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" John says, and he feels like an asshole not having asked before. Way to be self-involved.
"I miss him," Ronon says, easy.
John nods and sighs. Maybe it's that simple.
"Yeah. Yeah, me too," he admits. "I didn't realize..." and that's where the words dry up, his throat closing around them.
"It's like the noise level on Atlantis dropped by half," Ronon says and John snorts. "Doesn't feel right."
Maybe it's because John's not expected to look back at Ronon, as he's paddling for the island, but it makes it easier somehow to admit it too.
"No, it doesn't. I don't feel right," John says. There. He doesn't feel right at all.
"S'normal, you love him," Ronon says and John’s easy elliptic movement with the oar is derailed for a second, before he remembers to breathe.
"Yeah," John whispers after a couple of strokes. Admitting this in the light of day, out loud, is huge. But it's Ronon, and he trusts him. "I didn't even know, before he left."
The sound of Ronon's paddle in the water is steady like a metronome.
"Now you do," he says.
John sighs. Yes he does.
***
John's new Zen is shattered to tiny pieces three days later when they barely escape being mauled by bears, or some beast close enough to call it that. Once safe in the jumper, John's high on adrenaline and fear, and he starts kicking almost empty crates and he punches the jumper's wall, only succeeding in making his hand throb. Ronon's quiet in the front, sitting down in his seat and not even looking at him, waiting for John to get his control back. John almost wishes for an ill timed remark, anything, so it would justify a punch, start a fight. But no, this is fucking Ronon, who's way too good at this, at handling him. John's blood is running hot in his veins and he wants to hurt and not just inside. Maybe another kind of pain would numb everything enough so he could fucking breathe normally.
John goes to sit in his seat and starts the pre-flight check up. He considers for a moment using a drone on the sorta-bears that are just there, in the clearing before them, looking at the puddle jumper with curiosity. He wants to pulverize them. At last, Ronon looks at him, and there's the hint of a quirk to his lips; it's enough.
"What? You find this funny? What the fuck is your problem?" John hisses.
That grants him the eyebrow raise.
"You want me to beat you up, don't you?" Ronon asks, nonchalant.
Way, way too perceptive, that kid. John scowls and makes the jumper take off instead, and flies almost straight up, then drops it in a controlled spiral straight down. The ground is rushing towards them fast, and John pulls up towards the sky at the last second, before diving again. The inertial dampeners take away most of the sensation but it's still acrobatics with a ship he controls with his mind, and after ten minutes of it John feels way better, calmer and focused. It's only when he's back to flying in a straight line that John looks at Ronon, who is unusually pale. Ha. Take that, smartass.
"Should have beaten you up," Ronon says, swallowing hard.
It startles a laugh out of John.
"Maybe," John admits, and he open and closes the hand that is still throbbing. It's probably better this way, just the hand.
"McKay's okay," Ronon says.
"You don't know that," John says. "He maybe came face to face with bears, too, but had no jumper to hide in." That's what had enraged him so much. The reminder that this fucking galaxy always throws you a curve ball when you least expect it.
"He's smart, and he can take care of himself."
That makes John shakes his head.
"Rodney? He's too distracted, he'd get ambushed," John argues.
"That's when he relies on us to check out for him. He's tougher than you think. Tougher than he knows," Ronon says.
"He's a scientist," John says.
"McKay's not a frail duilah, Sheppard."
Of course he's not a wilting flower. In fact, Rodney's stronger than him, physically, although he doesn't want to make the effort to develop it. The edge John keeps on Rodney is because of his years of training. But it doesn't matter if Rodney could bench press more than him if he just put a little heart into it and stop complaining about his back. Wherever he is, John should be there to protect him anyway.
"He didn't even take a tent. What if he got stung by a bee or something? Or if he pissed someone off and got thrown in jail? There are always the Genii, or even worst the Wraiths. We don't know, Ronon. We don't know if he's okay and I have to find him."
"We won't find him," Ronon says.
"What?" John says. He can't believe Ronon would say something like that.
"Not if he doesn't want us to."
The worst thing is that John's starting to believe that. Their search is not even tracking; they don't have one single clue. It's master dissimulating, and John would be impressed if he was not so worried.
"Then what? We stop looking?" John asks.
Ronon shrugs.
"I never said that."
"Then we'll keep looking," John says with resolve.
Maybe they'll get lucky.
***
John's been contacting Atlantis every night, before setting camp. So far, it seems he didn't miss much action, apart from someone blowing up a thankfully empty-at-the-time lab. He's not expecting anything different tonight, though he's surprised when he connects and he's greeted by Lorne.
"How's it going Evan?"
"Fine Sir, thanks. All is under control," he says, but there's an undercurrent to his second's voice. "I might have something for you, Sir"
John blinks.
"What? About McKay?"
"Yes, although it's pretty weak. Billick overheard something, in a market on Thalio. Two guys, buying supplies, and one was complaining to the other that it better do this time, because he was tired of getting his head bitten off."
Hope rises in John's chest. Shit, it could be. And at the same time, Rodney's not the only cranky person in the galaxy.
"Tell me Billick interrogated them?" John says.
Evan sighs.
"Yes, he did, but they shut up like clams. Played stupid. Then they got the hell out of dodge."
It could be a huge lead.
"Did Billick follow them?" John asks.
"He tried, but they lost him." Lorne sounds as annoyed by this as John is. Shit, it could have been good.
"Why could this help, then?" John says, demoralized.
"Billick asked around," Lorne says. "Turns out they were Travelers. They were looking for specific spaceship parts."
It's like John's been hit right between the eyes, it makes so much sense.
"Son of a bitch," John exhales.
***
Suffice to say, the vacation was cut short and John goes right back to Atlantis. John calls for a meeting for 2000, which gives him just enough time to grab a bite, shower and shave. In Woolsey's office, there's a thrumming sense of expectation that has long been lacking. John nods at everyone.
"Okay, so, Travelers," John says, cutting to the chase. He can't believe they didn't think to contact them. "First thing first, is it possible to contact them at the moment?"
"Yes, we located them and were just waiting for you, Sir," Lorne says. "They're expecting a communication tonight."
"Everyone okay with that?" John asks.
He's met with nods.
"Of course," Woolsey says. "But since their ships are falling apart, I am sure that they are in great need of Dr. McKay's assistance, and I would not necessarily believe if they said they don't know where he is."
John has to say that Woolsey has a point, there.
"Agreed." He tilts his head towards the control room. "How about we make the call right now and see what they have to say?"
Everyone gets up and they crowd around the console, while Chuck dials the gate, and then send the signal that will make it to the ships. At the same time, he brings online on the video screen feed. As John expected it's Larrin who appears on screen, smirking.
"Travelers, this is Atlantis," John says.
"Colonel Sheppard," she practically purrs, "it has been a long time."
"Hey, Larrin. Sure has. Everything okay for you guys?" John asks, trying to be civil and biting his cheek.
"Never better, thanks," she says with a cheeky grin and that's it, John's too tired to pretend.
"Good. Dr. McKay would not be with you, by any chance?" he asks, trying to look cool and collected.
She shrugs.
"No, Dr. McKay finished his contract today and has left the ship."
John tries very hard not to tense. First, that means Rodney's okay. Second, it's one hell of a fresh lead.
"Okay, so do you know how to contact him?" John asks.
Larrin eyebrows shoot up.
"Because you don't?" She looks honestly surprised and it seems Rodney must have fed the Travelers some story about why he's not on Atlantis anymore that's quite different from the reality. Larrin starts to smile but must see John's very strong intention to strangle her, because she immediately adds. "We don't contact him, he contacts us."
Under the circumstances, it makes sense, so John tries to smile without showing to many teeth.
"Okay then, tell me where you dropped him, and we'll take it from there," John says.
She looks to the side, then back at the screen.
"That would be Polvin," she says and John's stomach drops. It's a deserted planet, and if it's true, obviously Rodney's covering his tracks again.
"Okay, thanks. Could you do me a favor, if you talk to him before I do?" John asks.
"Sure," Larrin says, throwing her hair over her shoulder and propping her chin on her hand, the very picture of someone listening intently.
"Tell McKay he needs to update us on his situation," John says, going for casual.
"Because he isn't? How interesting." She looks fascinated, and not a little smug about it. "What did you do, Sheppard, to make your Chief Science Officer leave Atlantis and not contact you?"
"That's none of your business, Larrin. Just give him the message." John says, gritting his teeth. "That will be all. Be safe out there."
She scoffs.
"What, that's it? No new strategy to strike against the Wraiths? You contact us just to speak with your precious McKay? Who's lucky he's as good as he says fixing my ships, by the way, so I didn't space him. I was tempted."
"Try living for six years with the guy," John counters and she makes a face. "Yeah, that's the only reason I called. You better not be lying to my face, not saying where he is, though. Because if I find out, I'll come and kick your ass myself."
When he sees Lorne make a face from the corner of his eyes, John figures that was maybe a bit over the line. It makes Larrin laugh, though.
"Ohhh, I am scared. Remember, I usually kick your ass, Sheppard," she says.
"That's because I never hit back before," John growls.
When she starts laughing again, John hits the button almost savagely, ending the transmission. Larrin always has had this gift for getting him riled up, and not always in the good way.
"What do we do now?" Zelenka asks. "A visit to Polvin?"
John sighs.
"I guess," he says. They had been there on the search, in the first days, and it hadn't given anything.
In the spirit of thoroughness, Chuck dials and John, Ronon and Zelenka gear up and go through the wormhole. They're about to walk down the ramp, sun high noon here even if it's nighttime in Atlantis, when Ronon grabs their arms.
"What is it?" John says, and immediately scans the horizon, P-90 at the ready.
Ronon points at the ground that is covered by sand. There's one set of footprints, military issue boots the right size for Rodney, that go down to the DHD, then right back up to the ring. John lets his head fall backward, shutting his eyes, and the hope he had tried so hard not to feel vanishes. Oh, Rodney was most probably here, but only long enough to dial right back out, going anywhere.
And with that, they're back to square one.
***
The next day, John's sparring with Teyla, maybe overdoing it a little, when she decides to play Doctor Phil at her turn.
"At least we know that Rodney is well," she says, deflecting his stick easily.
"Yeah," John says, not biting.
He doesn't want to talk, he wants to fight, damnit. He launches another attack but it's disconcertingly easy how Teyla dances away from it without even one blow touching.
"I am sure he has a reason for staying away, John. A good one," she says, relentless.
This time, John doesn't even answer. And what if he does? John's sick and tired of playing hide and seek.
That's it, he's done.
He goes in too fast and John can feel the sharp hit on his shoulder resonate right down to his fingers.
****
Part 4