Kamen /// Third Feeling: Deceit
banner by naomi0211
Title: Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings...
How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
Okay, who wrote "Jin, you idiot" for the last chapter? *raises hand*
This definitely turns out different from what you've expected to happen I guess.
Huge credits go to naomi0211 this time, since she inspired me a lot and gave me maaaany ideas to write this and change the direction into this.
I hope you'll like it ♥♥♥
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Feeling: Love
Second Feeling: Desire
Third Feeling: Deceit
“This is better than any meal.”
Kazuya frowned as Ueda titled his head back and drank the energy cocktail he had just mixed himself in one go. The brunette didn’t believe this could be healthy.
“Hah”, Ueda sighed and put his glass to the table. “That’s enough for today.”
Koki glanced at him and frowned, just as Kazuya had before. “For the whole day? Honestly, Ueda, you should eat something.”
“That’s enough. I don’t feel hungry.”
“What doesn’t mean that you aren’t hungry”, Nakamaru threw in and shook his head. “You’re just bones and skin.”
“And muscles”, Ueda added. “Shall I show you?”
Nakamaru reached his hand out to stop Ueda from pulling up his shirt. “We’ve all see it often enough already, Tatsuya.”
Ueda flashed him a smile and then put his arms back to the table. “I thought you were in Osaka already, Kame.”
“I’m leaving tomorrow morning”, Kazuya said and flipped his cell phone open. “Where are Jin and Junno?”
Koki shrugged his shoulders. “Taguchi’s probably still sleeping.”
In that moment, the door opened and Jin rushed in, mumbling a “Good evening”, before he sat at the table next to Nakamaru.
Kazuya threw him a look, saw those tired eyes and wondered what had happened. The older one looked troubled.
After Taguchi came in, too, the band meeting started. Kazuya had had the week off, mostly, so he wasn’t that tired yet. But their meeting lasted longer than expected and it was already dark outside when they left the Jimusho.
In silence, Kazuya walked Jin to his car. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”
Jin nodded and leaned against the cool sheet metal. “I know. When exactly?”
“I have to be at the train station at about ten.”
“Shall I come to yours or do you want to come over?” Jin simply asked.
Kazuya smiled. “I guess, I’d like to sleep in your bed tonight.”
Gently, the older male stroked his cheek and smiled back. “Okay, then we’ll meet at my place.”
Kazuya watched him getting into his car and driving off, before he went over to his own and fallowed.
“You’re driving too fast”, Kazuya commented at the car park place, after he had gotten out of his car, taking his things with him.
Jin just threw him a look. “Spare me, Kazuya.”
“Well, as long as I won’t have to end up like Yamapi after Ryo had his little car accident.”
“I’m not driving like that; don’t worry”, Jin just said.
They didn’t talk any more as they got into the elevator and up to Jin’s floor. The older one unlocked his door and let Kazuya go in first.
They were both silent and Jin was quite happy with that.
He wasn’t in a good mood, actually. First, this morning, he had found pictures of him in a club with a woman in some gossip rag once again. The article hadn’t been too nice on him, so he figured he’d get some trouble.
And additional to that, he didn’t like the thought of Kazuya being not around for almost two weeks.
Jin looked at the younger one now, as he opened Jin’s fridge as if this was his home. In point of fact, Jin liked it this way. He liked Kazuya being here and behaving as if this was his home.
Jin would never say it, would never admit it, but he was going to miss Kazuya badly.
He always had done so the years before.
The first year, after they had just gotten together, it had been a different feeling of missing. Their love had been just fresh and everything had been new, so he had missed the feeling of excitement to even just see Kazuya.
Jin had definitely missed the sex.
By now, it had developed into something else. He still missed the sex in those two weeks without Kazuya, but more than that he missed Kazuya’s sheer presence.
The fact to come home together, sit side by side while having dinner; those simple things Jin had gotten used to.
He hated how Kazuya’s scent would fade away from his sheets with every night he didn’t sleep in them.
Last year, Jin had driven over to Kazuya’s place after a week and had slept in his bed there. Kazuya had never found out.
Jin wouldn’t ever let him, however. It was his own weakness to love Kazuya that much; Kazuya needn’t have to know how much control he actually had of Jin; how much he owned the older one’s soul.
He jumped a little, as he now felt a hand gripping his arm. Kazuya was looking at him with sorrowful eyes.
“What’s wrong, Jin?”
The older one smiled and shook his head. “I’m okay.”
Kazuya stepped closer now and pulled him close into an embrace. “You look exhausted.”
“I am”, Jin admitted and let Kazuya hold him; leaned against the younger one, seeking comfort.
“Did you get into trouble because of the gossip?”
Jin remained silent. Of course, Kazuya had heard about it, too. Pictures and stories had popped up regularly lately. “I’m just tired of it”, he murmured and drew back. “I don’t see what’s wrong with having some fun in the clubs.”
Kazuya drew back and shrugged his shoulders. “Nothing, if it’s only that.”
“What else is it?”
“You’re always drunk, always a woman in your arms. Jin…”
“Oh, wait”, Jin interrupted him. “You said you weren’t jealous.”
Kazuya shook his head. “I’m not. Well, after that many pictures lately, I’d be quite a careless lover if I wasn’t, but I know I can trust you. I know you’re at least not serious about them.”
“We’re just having some fun, Kazuya. You know I don’t have that kind of interest in them.” Jin gripped his shoulders and made Kazuya look at him.
“I know, I said I trust you.” And he really did. He knew Jin was just using every chance to get to know as many people as possible and was easily impressed when someone talked English. That was mostly all interest he had in them. “It’s just…”, he started and made a helpless gesture. “No one else knows you the way I do.”
“What means?”
“That your image is too bad, Jin”, Kazuya said carefully. Just because he knew Jin so very well, he was aware of how much he could criticize him.
“Bad?” Jin repeated.
“You are an idol, Jin. It doesn’t go along with all those alcohol filled nights, parties, clubbing until early in the morning and…” Kazuya swallowed. “Giving of the impression of changing your lovers like your underwear.”
Jin just looked at him for a moment; unbelieving. “Do you really think that?”
“It’s what you make people believe, isn’t it?”
Jin let go of the younger one’s shoulders and snorted. “This is unbelievable.”
“Really, Jin, you shouldn’t…”
“Don’t”, Jin just said and turned away. “Don’t you dare telling me what to do and what not.”
“I’m just saying the truth”, Kazuya said calmly.
“Oh, sure. Since you are the perfect idol.” Jin left the kitchen. “You’re never seen in a club, drunk or with women; you always behave perfectly fine and you’re always polite and everyone just loves you so much.”
Kazuya had followed him. “Jin…”
“Everyone loves you, because you wouldn’t take photos in bed with a nude model; you wouldn’t let anyone see you stumbling down the street, drunk after partying all night.” Jin looked at Kazuya with a cold glare. “Don’t even try making me like that.”
Kazuya tried to keep his cool. Jin was moody; he didn’t actually mean it. “It’s not my fault you’re getting bad publicity, Jin.”
“No, it isn’t. So don’t interfere.”
“I’m just meaning to help you”, Kazuya said and came closer. “You’re not satisfied like that, are you?”
Jin rolled his eyes. “Don’t give me that psycho crap. You’re driving too fast, Jin”, he repeated Kazuya’s words then. “You’re drinking too much, your image is too bad. Really, save your breath; I don’t need you lecturing me.”
It hurt; hearing Jin talking to him like that, acting in front of him like that, Kazuya couldn’t take it. “I think I shouldn’t stay here tonight.”
“Only if you have some more of those super-idol-advices for me”, Jin answered and tried to ignore Kazuya’s hurt look.
He knew he wasn’t fair.
But somewhere deep within him he hated how Kazuya managed to be the perfect idol to everyone while he, Jin, gave off the impression of a Bad Boy.
He had wanted it that way, but with that image he had lost to Kazuya again and again and his ego couldn’t take that.
So he stayed and just watched as Kazuya collected his things again without looking at Jin at all.
He went to the door and got into his shoes, turning to Jin just once more. “I’ll see you in two weeks. Take care.”
Jin didn’t answer, didn’t even move as Kazuya left. His expression remained indifferent until the door closed with a silent sound.
He should follow Kazuya, he knew that.
He should fallow and tell him he was sorry, make him come back, make him forgive Jin for his stupid words; for his stupid pride being more important than his love once again.
And even though Jin knew he should, he once again couldn’t.
He had planned to love Kazuya tonight; intense and slow, to show him all of his love, to compensate for the next two weeks they wouldn’t meet.
Now, he would spend the night alone, feeling bad and lonely, regretting what he had said and done.
He would spend two weeks without Kazuya, missing him every second and would realize once again, as always, that as long as Kazuya wasn’t in his arms his pride was worth nothing.
They all weren’t the type to talk a lot, Kazuya figured.
Sometimes, they could, when others asked them questions and made them talk. But other than Taguchi, Yokoyama and Koyama they wouldn’t start to talk from themselves. They were all rather passive in that.
So it was silent on their train ride to Osaka.
Subaru was sleeping on a blue pillow with their label on it, a glittering eight. He had mumbled in his sleep earlier, complete nonsense and Kazuya and Tegoshi had exchanged grins.
He had talked to Tegoshi for a while, but they had both gotten tired of it. It wasn’t that they didn’t know what to talk about; it was just that they both felt more relaxing doing their own things.
So Tegoshi had gotten out a Nintendo DS to play for a bit. Kazuya had figured it already; Tegoshi easily got bored of everything, so by now he wasn’t playing anymore. The younger one had a mini soccer ball with him and that was probably the only thing Kazuya had never seen him getting bored of. He could kick that ball for an eternity.
Kazuya closed his eyes to the kicking sound. Tap, tap, tap. It almost sent him into sleep, as well.
But he couldn’t fall asleep at all. Whenever he was about to, Jin would pop up in his head, as usual, but at the moment the image of Jin was hurting and confusing.
Jin hadn’t followed him to apologize or to even try making up. He hadn’t called either.
And because they both were stubborn, Kazuya hadn’t made any attempt as well. This way, they really had parted fighting and the brunette didn’t like the fact at all. But he didn’t want to give in, either.
He would miss Jin badly; as always. Each year, since they’d become a couple, Kazuya wasn’t looking forward to Osaka at all. He’d spend his nights longing for Jin by his side and thinking of him during the days.
Subaru raised his head quickly, as a mobile started ringing and looked confused from his left to his right. Apologizing, Tegoshi made a calming gesture with his hand. “It’s mine, go back to sleep. I’m sorry.”
Kazuya watched him checking the caller’s ID and Tegoshi’s face brighten up.
“Are you already missing me?”
Kazuya smiled. He had answered the same when Jin had called him last year; half an hour after their departure from Tokyo.
“Not yet. I am still in the train”, Tegoshi said and put a finger to his lips. “Shhh”, he whispered. “Subaru-kun is sleeping.”
Subaru opened an eye and looked at Tegoshi, who didn’t notice. The younger one was hooked up in that call, completely.
“It’s okay; I’m not too bored, really. I can talk to Kamenashi-san and I have my toys.” He giggled. “Yes, a soccer ball…. Right, it’s fine.”
Kazuya listened without really wanting, too. He imagined Tegoshi’s mother at the other end, worrying about her cute son being away from home all on his own for so long. He would keep an eye on Tegoshi, Kazuya decided, so that his mother wouldn’t have to worry.
After all, Tegoshi really had some talent to fall from higher places, as Kazuya had already noticed during their practices.
“Really?” Kazuya noticed Tegoshi’s voice getting more muffled, and a gentle smile traced his lips. “I’ll call tonight. Yeah, promise.”
That, Kazuya thought now, was something he had promised, too; and would have done tonight as well. Calling Jin, telling him he was doing fine, that he would buy some nice souvenir for him and asking what he would like best.
Tegoshi mumbled an affectionate “Bye”, before he hung up.
“Ah”, Subaru sighed and sat up. “When I was your age my mother called me, as well, every time we got on a longer trip with the band.”
Kazuya leaned back and smiled. “My mother did, too. Now she thinks I’m grown up, so she doesn’t have to call anymore.”
Tegoshi titled his head and blushed a bit, avoiding looking at them.
Subaru frowned. “It wasn’t your mom.”
Tegoshi flashed him a grin, shrugging his shoulders. “I didn’t say that.”
“Kame-chan, it wasn’t his mom!”
Kazuya laughed slightly. “Your partner?”, he teased then.
Reaching out his hand, Tegoshi managed to slightly push Kazuya. “Stop calling him like that!”
Subaru grinned even wider now. “Masuda-kun talks to you like your mother does?”
“Not like my mother”, Tegoshi corrected. “He’s my best friend.”
Subaru laughed and held his tummy, and Kazuya just stared at Tegoshi for a moment as he recognized the shy look, the blush that was just deep enough to tell he was lying. Then he faked a laugh to join Subaru’s.
Kazuya knew those words quite well; knew that behaviour.
He’d been acting like that, as well. Blushing when someone mentioned their special bond, talked about how close they were. Kazuya had always claimed they were only best friends, they still claimed to be just friends; no one knew about them.
Apparently, judging from how he acted, Tegoshi was in the same situation as he was; felt the same, had the same to hide.
But, somehow, Kazuya thought and looked out of the window again, he still felt different from that.
And he wished he could be back to it, as well. Back to that time when he and Jin had felt so in love that it had been difficult to hide it from everyone else.
It’s almost been a week now that Kazuya was gone.
Jin had quite a lot of work, so he didn’t really manage to think much about him during the days. But every evening when he got home, he would start to. He would think about Kazuya, would miss him, and would want to call him.
So Jin had decided he had to distract himself at night, as well. He couldn’t sleep missing Kazuya, so he had to get exhausted and tired to fall asleep despite that empty feeling inside of him.
“Jin, I invited some more friends over!” Ryo leaned in to him and pointed at some people with his thumb.
Jin only nodded and went ahead.
The music was loud, making his ears go numb, rushing the beat through his body. He loved it.
As they reached the little back room, the music was muted to a dumb beat and they could talk in a normal volume again.
“I’ll order beer”, Yamashita said.
“Get some champagne for the girls.” Ryo sat down first, as more people entered the room. They were two more men and a few girls, dressed up in short skirts, low-cut dresses and high heels.
Jin didn’t actually like their looks, but he didn’t really care, anyway. As long as they were entertaining and nice to talk to. Most of them were a bit dumb in his eyes, however.
A long-legged waitress in short pants brought them drinks and she accidentally bumped into Yamashita’s side, apologizing over and over again.
“She definitely likes you, Pi.” Ryo grinned.
“I didn’t really take notice of her. You take her”, Yamashita just said.
Ryo and Jin both started to laugh and Jin leaned in to fill their glasses. “You know, Pi, it’s not that much fun to hang out with you anymore, lately. Since you’ve gotten yourself a girlfriend…”
Yamashita shrugged his shoulders. “Ah, I’m just happy now.”
“So you won’t even look at any other girls?” Ryo shook his head. “That’s something to be sad about.”
A girl sat down next to Jin and he handed her a glass of sparkling champagne. “Enjoy your drinks, sweethearts.”
They giggled and made cute moves, at least Jin thought they were what people would consider cute; he wasn’t impressed at all. But they were easy to have fun with.
So, it didn’t take him too long to get into a good mood, to have had enough alcohol to flirt with them and do what he knew they would like.
An arm around one of the girls’ shoulders, Jin emptied his glass, giving her shoulder a soft pat as he got up.
“Excuse me, guys”, he said and winked at the girl who had sat next to him. “I’ll be back.”
As soon as he had left the room, he dropped his shoulders and let out a sigh. He walked into the direction of the back door and as he got out of the club, fresh air hit him, the music got almost muffled completely from the walls and Jin leaned against them, looking up to the sky.
There was no moon to be seen, thick and black clouds hid it.
Jin got some cigarettes out of his pocket and lightened one up.
He hated the taste; it was not his brand. But he had always some of them at home.
They were the ones Kazuya smoked--- when he smoked. The younger one wasn’t smoking often anymore, but from time to time, and Jin always had the package at home; just in case.
Now, he was smoking them because their taste reminded him of Kazuya. Back then, he had often tasted them mixed with Kazuya’s so very own taste and had gotten addicted to them in that way.
But whenever he actually smoked them, he noticed he didn’t like them.
“Hey, pretty”, someone said and Jin turned his head, heard the door closing again and saw the girl who’d been sitting next to him. “Did you get tired of us?”
Jin smirked at her. “I just wanted to smoke and have a moment to myself.”
She leaned closer, ran a finger over his arm. “Why? Did I make you nervous?”
She didn’t provoke the slightest feeling in him, except for annoyance right now. “I’m not getting nervous, honey.”
Smiling at him, she held up a cigarette. “Do you have fire?”
Jin got out a lighter out of his pocket and helped her out. He tried to ignore how obviously she tried to turn him on.
An image of Kazuya popped up in Jin’s head, a memory of how he had smoked in front of Jin once. It didn’t suit him at all in Jin’s mind, so even just the memory still made him smile.
“You know, if the guys in there bore you, we could just leave now.”
Jin turned to the girl again, giving her a cold smile. “I don’t want to leave yet.”
“I want to.”
Raising an eyebrow, Jin stepped away and got over to the door again. “Well, then. Take care; until next time.”
He opened the door and ignored her shocked eyes. He didn’t like girls like her at all; acting so cheap and giving themselves away like that. It was kind of disgusting and ugly to him.
The only reason, Jin could still let them stay close, was that he knew he’d never have to give them what they wanted; he’d never have to get down to their level, because he had Kazuya.
It was simple like that.
Kazuya was only looking at Jin and Jin would always just look at Kazuya.
“We’ll just have one show tomorrow evening, so let’s have some fun tonight”, Subaru said and raised his glass.
Kazuya and Tegoshi raised their glasses as well. “Cheers!”
“It’s going quite well, isn’t it?”
“It’s going just like in Tokyo”, Subaru answered Tegoshi and leaned back on his feet.
They were in a quite traditional old shop that sold typical Osaka food and was some kind of bar, as well. Subaru had suggested the place, of course, since he knew the place.
“It has a nice feeling to it”, Kazuya said and looked around. “It feels more private than in Tokyo.”
Subaru smiled. “It’ll feel much more private in a few minutes. I invited some friends over.”
“Oh”, Tegoshi said and sat up. “Really?”
Subaru nodded and pointed at the door, as it opened and Yokoyama, Maruyama and Murakami came in. Instantly, it got way louder in the room.
Tegoshi and Kazuya exchanged a quick glance, but both smiled and greeted the other ones politely then.
“Hey, Kame-kun”, Yokoyama greeted back and sat down next to Kazuya, looking at Tegoshi. “Ah, and the kid who plays pranks on everyone…” He obviously searched for the name.
“It’s Tegoshi-kun”, Subaru helped him out.
The youngest one bowed slightly to them and Kazuya gave him a pitying smile. It was rather disappointed when even your own seniors didn’t know your name; he knew that too well.
“Where is Yassan?” Subaru looked at the ones who just joined them.
“He and Ohkura are busy with the drama; they still have to catch up from the days they were missing.” Murakami raised a hand to order more drinks.
“I’m to pity. I was so looking forward to meet him again.”
Maruyama leaned in and the hug seemed completely natural. “You have us now.”
Again, Tegoshi and Kazuya exchanged a look.
“Isn’t Ryo-kun in town, too?”, Tegoshi asked.
“Oi!” Yokoyama leaned over the table to face Tegoshi. “You are so rude!”
The younger one just giggled at him and raised his glass. “I just asked out of curiosity.”
“Ah, don’t kid me. You’re not happy with having us as company.”
“That’s really not it”, Tegoshi started and turned then, as someone else took the seat next to him. Hi eyes got round. “Uchi-kun?”
The brunette smiled at him and nudged Tegoshi’s shoulder with his. “Then you’re probably happy to see me?”
Tegoshi’s face brightened up. “Of course I am. It’s been some time!”
Uchi poked the younger male’s cheek. “You haven’t changed a bit.”
The others laughed at Tegoshi’s pouting face and as he tried to tell them that he actually had. But no one really listened, everyone was talking, somehow.
Kazuya watched it with a smile, saw Subaru quarreling with Maruyama, while Murakami and Tegoshi suddenly talked about soccer and Yokoyama interfered with nonsense comments. Tegoshi next to him got up after a while and sat next to Murakami, so Uchi smiled at him and sat closer.
“It’s been a while, Kame”, he said and raised his glass to Kazuya.
He smiled and returned the gesture, before he took a sip from the drink. “We meet once every year.”
Uchi nodded. “I’m always looking forward to it.” He then pointed at Subaru. “Are you guys working well together?”
Kazuya nodded. “I think we’re a good team.”
“I’m glad then. They’re both good singers, aren’t they?”
Kazuya flashed him a grin. “Does that mean, I’m not?”
Uchi laughed. “That’s not what I meant. It makes it fun to work with them.”
Now, Kazuya nodded. “That’s true. It’s different.”
Actually, Kazuya liked talking to Uchi. They didn’t meet often and they wouldn’t consider as close friends, or even just simple friends, but they got along well and somehow understood each other.
It was probably their age, but they seemed to know how the other one’s mind was working pretty well and that made it easy to talk.
In addition, Uchi knew a lot about baseball and it was relaxing to have someone to talk to about that. He never actually talked to Jin about baseball; not that he could remember, at least.
“Drink some more, Kame”, Maruyama said and Kazuya didn’t comment on how the older one addressed him so unformally out of a sudden. He had already figured that those Osaka boys just were like that.
So, Kazuya smiled and let him refill the glass. He easily got hooked up in a conversation with Uchi and without really noticing it they weren’t really participating in the conversation the others had, but only to themselves.
“It’s always nice to talk to you, Kame.” Uchi gave him a warm smile. “It’s sad we only get to do so once a year.”
“Only like this. If it’s work related we actually meet every now and then.”
Uchi nodded. “But I’d like to meet you like this. More often.”
Kazuya just nodded at Uchi’s request, as his mobile started ringing, but he didn’t notice since he had put it to his things at the table and he and Uchi had taken some distance from it.
“Kamenashi-kun”, Tegoshi said and held the phone up. “It’s ringing.”
Kazuya turned his gaze away from Uchi’s eyes and hurried over then. It stopped ringing when he just grabbed it from Tegoshi’s fingers.
“I think it flashed Akanishi-kun’s name.”
“Is there a reason why you’re that formal and polite with them and so rude to us?” Yokoyama jumped on Tegoshi again and made the younger one laugh with that.
Kazuya frowned and checked the call list, finding Jin’s number at the top.
“Kame?”
He turned at looked at Uchi, who gave him a questioning look.
“Are you coming back?”
Kazuya fought with himself whether he should go back or should leave the room to call Jin back. He flipped the mobile closed and put it to his pocket.
If it was important, Jin would call him again.
“So, how about you give me your mail address and phone number?” Uchi fiddled his own cell phone out of a bag. “I’ll give you a call then when I’m in Tokyo and we’ll meet up for a drink.”
“That would be nice”, Kazuya answered and gave Uchi his number. He looked at his glass. “I guess I had a bit too much. I’m feeling dizzy.”
“I had too much, too”, Uchi agreed and pointed at the other men then. “It’s always like that when we all go out together. We’re drinking way too much, because no one’s responsible.”
Kazuya frowned. “We shouldn’t let them give Tegoshi too much.”
“He’s old enough”, Uchi just answered.
Kazuya gave him a grin. “I can perfectly see what you meant when you’ve said no one was feeling responsible.”
Uchi laughed. “Ah, I really do like you, Kame.”
Kazuya got up, noticing that it felt good to hear that. “Thanks, I like you, too.” Then he moved into the direction of the door. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
Uchi nodded and turned to refill their glasses, while Kazuya made his way out of the bar. The street was completely empty and the fresh air was hitting his senses.
It felt a little cold and like it would rain pretty soon, but Kazuya was okay with that, as long as he got some minutes to himself.
He had had too much to drink. Whenever he had so, he’d get sentimental. He wasn’t a noisy drunk person; he was just getting all quiet and would get lost in thoughts.
Getting out some cigarettes, he leaned against the wall of the building and lightened one up.
He had bought a package of Jin’s cigarettes some days ago, even though he didn’t like them at all.
Of course he missed Jin a lot. Though, they had fought before Kazuya had left a week ago, he couldn’t stop himself from missing Jin. The urge to call him was huge, but he resisted.
Evenings like this one were good and distracting.
Uchi was distracting. Kazuya had noticed that he liked that feeling of being told so many nice things. He had noticed those looks Uchi gave him and wondered what they meant, actually.
Jin had given him those looks back then for a while. Back then, when they were still only friends, but apparently had feelings for each other already. When he’d been secretly in love with Jin and Jin had secretly had a crush on Kazuya.
Kazuya snorted at the thought. He most likely misinterpreted them, since he felt Jin had somehow changed; had probably stopped loving him as much. That’s why he sought for that in other people’s affection.
He got his mobile out of his pocket again and looked at the display. Flipped it close and open, again and again. It was probably best to just call Jin finally.
He missed him; he needed him, feeling as if Jin didn’t love him anymore was the worst and he knew Jin would take his words back, wouldn’t know what to say and finally would just murmur a soft I love you to Kazuya.
He turned his head as the door opened again and Uchi looked around the corner.
“Hey, there. You’re okay?”
Kazuya nodded. “I just wanted to be for myself for a bit and get my head clear.”
“You smoke?”
Shrugging his shoulders, Kazuya dropped the cigarette. “Just sometimes. When I’m drunk.”
“I know that brand. I don’t like it at all.” Uchi got an own small package out of his pocket. “I prefer these.”
Kazuya looked at the brand he usually smoked. It was a bit ironical. “I like those better, too.”
Uchi nodded and then fell quiet. “Are you tired of those guys in there?”, he finally asked then. “Would you rather want to leave?”
Kazuya shook his head. “No, no. Not at all. Don’t get me wrong. I like all of them; it’s nice to meet them.”
“They really are”, Uchi agreed and looked at the ground again, kicking a small stone.
It was awkward, Kazuya thought. Something between them was suddenly awkward and he felt like it was his fault, because he had had those thoughts earlier.
“I guess I’ll go back.”
Uchi stepped away and to the door, but before he could open it, Kazuya approached him from behind and gripped his wrist.
“Wait a moment, Uchi.”
Uchi turned and looked at the brunette in confusion. “What is it, Kame?”
“When you said earlier that you really like me, I…” He stumbled over his own words and shrugged his shoulders. “It really made me happy.”
Uchi gave him a gentle smile. “You don’t get to hear that often, do you?”
Kazuya bit his lip. “Not from people who mean it seriously, at least.”
Uchi just hesitated for a second, then he pulled Kazuya closer and embraced him. “But you do deserve so much more.”
For a moment, Kazuya wasn’t able to move, then Uchi’s words got through to him and he wondered why he hadn’t ever figured that himself.
He deserved more than Jin’s words. He deserved someone who proved he really loved him, not just said it, but somewhere deep in his heart didn’t feel Kazuya was special to him.
When had Jin last told him that he honestly liked him the way he was? He said I love you, whenever it was appropriate, but only because he was used to it.
Did Jin really still love him?
Kazuya drew back a bit from Uchi’s embrace to look at him. He knew what would come next; he could see in Uchi’s eyes that he knew it very well, too.
But Kazuya didn’t stop it.
Slowly, he leaned in again and brushed his lips against Uchi’s, looked into the other male’s eyes as he repeated the move.
It was soft, gentle and reassuring. Different from how Jin had ever kissed him and Kazuya titled his head, letting the kiss get deeper and longer. They just lightly held each other, didn’t push or change it. It just remained a soft kiss.
Kazuya could taste the alcohol at those lips, mixed with Uchi’s own taste when their tongues met.
A cheering melody made them both jump and pull away.
Kazuya automatically reached his fingers up to his lips and touched them, while he looked at his mobile, knowing it was Jin already. The fingers at his lips felt numb and cold, as he stared at the display.
Uchi stared at Kazuya, eyes looking just as unbelieving as his own. “You…” He cleared his throat. “You should pick up.”
Kazuya lifted his head to Uchi, looked at him. He held the cell phone in his hand, tried to muffle the sound this way. His eyes met Uchi’s.
“I… can’t.”
Now, the brunette bit his lip. “Oh, wow… okay, that’s bad.”
Kazuya swallowed thickly, tasted Uchi on his lips and suddenly felt sick. The taste was wrong.
It wasn’t Jin’s.
The melody stopped playing.
“Uchi…”
“I guess the person called in just the right moment to hold you back from making a huge mistake.” Uchi said calmly.
“I’m sorry. I should not have done that. It was stupid”, Kazuya said.
He didn’t see the hurt look as Uchi turned his head to look at the wall. “It was just a kiss and we both drank too much tonight.”
“It wasn’t actually what I wanted. It just happened.”
“It’s okay, Kame.” Uchi turned and gripped the door knob. “We’ll just forget about it.”
Kazuya let him go, stayed outside and stared at the ground. Following Uchi would have been a huge mistake right now.
How could he have done that?
He couldn’t just blame the alcohol. He had definitely had feelings for Uchi in that moment; feelings he couldn’t quite grab now anymore.
They were gone, as well as the logic that Jin would never be that gentle with him, would never hold him, would never truly love him.
Jin did love him.
That’s why they still managed this relationship. Their feelings weren’t fresh and new anymore, they had gotten used to each other, but that didn’t mean they didn’t love each other as much anymore.
Kazuya still loved Jin like he had used to. He had just gotten used to that feeling; he had just realized that no matter what, Jin was always there and cared for him the most.
And he cared most for Jin.
Palming his face, Kazuya hunkered down and muffled a whining.
What he’d done to Jin with this was something he couldn’t ever let him know. It was not just the kiss; it was what had led him to that kiss.
He had doubted Jin’s love for him and that was worse than anything else.
He’d sleep over at Kazuya’s tonight, Jin decided.
After yesterday night he had realized how much he missed Kazuya and how guilty he felt for letting him leave like that.
Kazuya didn’t call back, what made it worse.
In a way, it made Jin angry the younger one ignored his calls like that. He knew Jin; he knew it had coast him a lot courage to call; to make the first step to apologize. And even if he just didn’t have his cell with him, by now, he could have called back already.
On the other hand, it worried Jin. What if Kazuya was that mad that he still didn’t want to talk to Jin? What if Kazuya was okay like that and didn’t miss Jin at all.
The thought alone made Jin feel uneasy, but he couldn’t bring himself to call again. He didn’t want to seem desperate.
So, as he had come home tonight, he had turned Yamashita’s offer to meet down and had gotten a few things together.
Jin would just eat and then leave to spend the night at Kazuya’s.
His smell had already faded from Jin’s sheets by now and he knew he’d be better able to sleep, engulfed in Kazuya’s scent.
He had just cooked up some rice and a simple side dish, as his mobile started to ring. Hurrying over, Jin still held the bowl with rice in his hand he had just filled and fumbled his mobile out of his bag then.
His heart skipped a beat as he noticed Kazuya’s ID.
“Kazuya”, he answered, but calmed down instantly, since he didn’t want the other one to hear he had waited for this call.
“Jin”, Kazuya said, and something in his voice was off.
“You took your time to call back.” Jin set the bowl to the table and sat down. “I thought you were still mad at me.”
“I am.” Kazuya remained silent for a moment. “I’m sorry.”
Some heavy last fell from Jin’s shoulders as he heard those words. “Just…”
“I tried to tell myself that you’re an idiot; that you’re not worth feeling guilty”, Kazuya spilled out then and Jin wondered if he heard sobs in the younger one’s voice. “You behaved unacceptable, you were selfish and mean and I deserve something better than that.”
Now, Jin felt something clenching his heart. “What’s that about? Kazuya, don’t do anything stupid…”
“I told myself”, he was interrupted from Kazuya again. “I told myself all that. I was really mad and disappointed. But…” His voice sounded suffocated and Jin couldn’t help the feeling of knowing Kazuya needed him desperately right now. “I still love all that. Even when you’re behaving like an idiot, selfish and mean and kick my feelings like that; I still love you and won’t ever be able to let go of you.”
“Kazuya, what’s happened?”, Jin asked calmly. Something was completely off. Even though those were all the words Jin had wanted to hear, something was odd about it. Kazuya’s desperation was odd.
Kazuya remained silent, and Jin wasn’t sure if he really was crying, then he almost just whispered: “I miss you, Jin.”
It made Jin get up and rush to the door without thinking about it twice. He grabbed his jacket and looked for his keys.
“I’ll be there, Kazuya.” He felt something was wrong and he couldn’t possibly leave Kazuya alone right now; the telephone was not enough. “Just stop that, okay? You scare me.”
The younger one didn’t answer anymore and Jin started to panic. This was so unusual for Kazuya. He got the most important things together, mumbling reassuring words into his cell phone while opening the door.
And he froze. “Kazuya.”
Kazuya looked at him. His eyes didn’t seem swollen, they were dry. But he trembled, looked pale and cold. “I miss you, Jin”, he repeated.
Jin just closed the distance between them and pulled Kazuya into his arms, felt the younger one sink against him and lean close. “I’ve missed you, too.”
Kazuya nuzzled close, let Jin tug him into his apartment. “You really did. You wanted to go to Osaka right now”, he realized.
“Do you think I’d lie?” Jin smiled at him, rubbed his arms. “You’re cold, Kazuya.”
He’s been downstairs for a while. Waiting in front of the building; seeing Jin coming home, looking tired himself.
“What happened?”, Jin asked again, raising Kazuya’s chin, so that he would look at Jin.
“As I’ve said, Jin. I missed you.”
“That’s why you came all the way from Osaka?”
“I couldn’t possibly take it any longer”, Kazuya answered and stared at Jin’s face. “Is that a problem?”
Jin shook his head. “No. Not at all; of course, it isn’t. You just sounded so off and you look so tired and pale. You scared me, Kazuya. I thought something had happened.” He slowly leaned in and brushed his lips against Kazuya’s, gently kissed him then. It was a reassuring and calm kiss. Soft and gentle.
Kazuya felt like crying. After all, Jin did kiss him like that, because he loved Kazuya. He couldn’t even give a proper response to it.
“It’s okay, Kazuya”, Jin said quietly and leaned his forehead against the younger one’s. “You’re here now. How about a hot shower?”
“You don’t have to treat me like a child”, Kazuya said and smiled at Jin; weak, but he smiled.
Jin brushed his hair out of Kazuya’s sight and smiled back. “I don’t, Kazuya”, he answered then and placed another gentle kiss to his lips.
“I treat you like a lover; the only one I love and would ever treat like this.”
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Surprise!!! The Angst is back v.v
Thanks so much for reading! <3