Fade Into The Background Chapter 9
Banner by naomi0211 ♥
Title: Fade into the Background //You can't lose what you never had//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin X Kamenashi Kazuya (Akame to make it short XD) //KAT-TUN//
Genre: Romance, ANGST, lots of Fluff
Rating: from PG-13 to NC-17
Disclamer: Do not own them. If anybody I'd like to own Ueda. But well... one can't have everything, right?
Summary: Kazuya is getting married and while watching him from the background Jin suddenly remembers their story. His thoughts are going back in time and he starts to regret and realize....
A/N: First of all: English isn't my mother tongue, but I tried my best and since I'm living in the UK at the moment I'm pretty much used to write and speak it. But you're welcome to correct mistakes.
After finding to each other as they did in the last chapter, this turns out not so happily, I guess. Akame is facing overwhelming problems. Oh man, this is angsty, it really is v.v I hope, you'll like it, though.
And this point, I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who read it so far!
Special Thanks are going to Audrey for always encouraging me to go on and Brini of course. After all, this fanfiction is written just for the two of you~ Kame Girl and Jin Girl XD Yay!
And then Lia, for helping out with my bad English v.v You're awesome, dear!!
Okay, now I let you read XDD
Thank you so much, guys!!! *happy*
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Memory: A Winter Illusion
Second Memory: All I want for Christmas
Third Memory: Broken Promise
Fourth Memory: Losing Faith
Fifth Memory: Confessions
First Flashback: Still on my Mind
Sixth Memory: Missing
Seventh Memory: Powder Happiness
Eighth Memory: Best Friends and Lovers
Ninth Memory: Treat me right
“With Yamapi?” Jin asked, as he had lunch with Kazuya. They had met up to spend some time together, since their schedules were quite separate again lately.
They had spent almost half a year being together now; half a year in which they had met every day. Now it was late spring, almost summer and those times were long gone.
Jin regretted it a bit that he couldn’t have Kazuya around anymore. Though they had been busy at the drama set, it had felt quite comfortable to have Kazuya by his side. They were a couple after all, even if it was just in secret; having Kazuya around him made him feel so much more relaxed and even more confident.
Jin could remember the day pretty well, when they had been called to Johnny himself. They had both been nervous, thinking their relationship had been revealed, but then Johnny had told them that he wanted them to go to an audition for Gokusen. He had suggested them and wanted them to do their best to get those roles.
So, of course, they had been relieved it hadn’t been about their relationship, but work.
After they’d been accepted, they had started to spend even more time together than they already had. Sometimes they had found time between filming to disappear into a room and spend a twenty minutes break with kissing instead of lunch, since they’d always been hungrier for the other one than for food.
They had worked together filming Gokusen and after work they went home together, spent the nights together and went to work together the next day.
There wasn’t much they hadn’t done together trough that time. Promotions, advertisements, TV shows, radio shows; Kazuya had always been with him.
The younger one picked a piece of meat out of his bowl of Ramen and nodded. “Yeah, we’re both chosen for the main roles in that drama. And again, it revolves around school.”
Jin didn’t tell Kazuya, but he knew perfectly what that drama was about. What it revolved around and what the main characters were like. He’d been to the audition for the second main role, but apparently Yamapi had made it. After all it suited him better, Jin thought and tilted his head. After all, he supposed, not much time had passed since Gokusen, so starring in a drama together again was probably too much.
But it would have been nice.
“Oh.” Jin frowned. “Are you okay with that?”
“Well…” Kazuya shrugged one shoulder. “I can’t be picky, I guess. One day they’re going to let me act a more grown-up role; I just have to continue to show off that I’m a good actor.”
He was, Jin thought and watched Kazuya eating, forgetting his own meal. “I didn’t mean that” he said then. “I was talking about Yamapi.”
“Yamashita-kun?” Kazuya now looked at Jin. “Why not?”
“You don’t seem to like him too much.”
“I don’t know him so well.”
“You refuse to ever really talk to him.”
Kazuya stopped eating now and lifted a brow. “And that bothers you.”
It was not a question, Jin knew that, but he answered it, though. “Not particularly.”
“I know you like him a lot.”
The dark brunette rested his chin on his hand. “Of course; we’re friends.”
“Close friends.” Kazuya corrected.
In that moment a waitress appeared at their table. “You’re finished?” and as Kazuya nodded she took their bowls.
“Let’s pay and then get back to the rehearsals.” The brunette stood up, taking his jacket and looked at Jin who was apparently caught in his thoughts. “Jin.”
The older one lifted his head and looked at Kazuya. He was standing just right in front of him, looking as usual. Those light shadows beneath his brown eyes that told Jin he didn't have much sleep lately; the light brunette hair he knew smelled of lemon and lime, sweet and fresh, was reflecting the light of the dazzling sun outside; the lips, soft and full, Jin had kissed for uncountable times by now and he knew they’d always taste of Kazuya’s so very own flavour. A flavour he couldn’t get enough of.
There was no smile, not in his eyes, not on his lips. But even so, his look was gentle and Jin knew he was the only one Kazuya looked at like that. He hadn’t ever said it, but Jin supposed it was love in that look. Or something like that.
He couldn’t quite tell what it was Kazuya felt for him, since whenever Jin told him “I love you” everything he got in response was a smile, a hug, a kiss. Kazuya never said what he felt towards him.
And that was what surprised Jin most. Usually Kazuya was the one who told his feelings straight away, who didn’t play, who didn’t hide anything of himself. Jin on the other hand was the one who couldn’t be loving and his true self when others were around. He always put on that mask that would hide his real feelings.
So, when they were in public Jin would never treat Kazuya any different from everyone else; then Kazuya was just a friend, a band mate like the others.
But when he had Kazuya for himself he would always tell him, show him, how much he meant to him.
It was Kazuya who was withdrawn in both aspects of their lives.
But since he didn’t reject Jin and definitely showed feelings towards him, Jin supposed the younger one had to feel something deeper than friendship for him.
And that knowledge was enough for him. It had to be.
As Kazuya paid, Jin got up and into his jacket, watching the other one waiting at the desk for his change.
So, he would spend a lot of time with Yamapi in the next months, Jin thought and bit his lower lip. They’d probably get to know each other better then and Kazuya would find that Yamapi wasn’t a bad guy; that he actually was one of the best out there.
Jin really liked Yamapi. They got along well from the beginning and it bothered him a bit that Kazuya didn’t like the older one, apparently.
Jin had never been too sure what the reason for his dislike was, but their conversation earlier made him think about Kazuya being probably jealous.
What was stupid, actually, but then again… that look in his eyes, those words. He wondered if Kazuya really had that attitude towards Yamapi just because he got along with Jin so well.
He threw the younger male a look as they left the shop and walked down the street towards the Jimusho. None of them said anything and they didn’t really have to; it felt comfortable just walking next to each other, having the other one close.
“Ne Jin.” Kazuya said and for the first time Jin noticed that his voice had changed; that he didn’t say it in that annoying tone anymore, with that childish voice, he had used to call him like. “Would you have liked to act in that drama with Yamashita-kun?”
Jin didn’t look at him and didn’t stop. He just looked in the direction they were walking; his hands in his front pockets, his hair lightly messed up from the warm spring breeze. With you, he thought, but didn’t say it, I would have liked to do it with you. “Not really.”
“And is it okay for you if I’m going to spend so much time with him?”
“Sure; if it’s okay for you.”
Kazuya tilted his head to the side, looking at Jin now. “You’re not jealous?”
“Not yet. Probably when he’s going to tell me he kissed you” Jin joked.
“I mean, jealous of me.”
Now Jin stopped and looked at Kazuya. He just grabbed the brunette’s hand and tugged him into a small back road, where no one else was. They stood there for a while, Jin holding on to Kazuya’s hand and staring at him, not knowing what to say and lightly upset.
Then Kazuya spoke up. “You like him.”
Jin couldn’t help his jaw dropping open. He clicked his tongue, but firmly held Kazuya’s hand. “What is that about?” But even before he asked that, that image from years ago came back to Jin’s mind. Kazuya sitting on a hotel bed, drunk, and staring at him with serious eyes. Saying exactly the same.
“It’s simply that you and Yamashita are so…” Kazuya was in search for words, couldn’t quite describe what he meant.
“Kazuya” Jin just said and looked at him, waiting for him to return the look. “I like him, sure. I like Ryo, I guess, in a way I even like Taguchi. But it’s different from the way I like you.”
As he saw that look in Kazuya’s eyes, he knew, he was so sure he would have bet his life on it, that Kazuya loved him back. Why else would he be so concerned about Yamapi, why else would he be so worried, if it was not because he loved Jin?
“They are friends” He tangled his fingers with Kazuya’s, gently pulled him closer, secure in the corner of the back street where no one could see them and he could do so, just for a few seconds. “You are the one I love.”
And again, Kazuya gave him that smile. That smile that revealed his love. He returned the firm squeeze of Jin’s hand and nodded.
They both didn’t dare to lean in and kiss, so they stayed like that for another few seconds, close, but just with their hands touching.
As they walked out of the street they had that distance between them again. Jin was sighing and then gave Kazuya a grin. “I didn’t think you could be jealous.”
“It’s not being jealous…” Kazuya started, but shut his mouth as he saw Jin chuckling. He decided not to talk about that anymore. There was nothing to be afraid of, he thought, as Jin had told him so often that he loved him. Being afraid of losing him was stupid.
He loved Jin, and Jin loved him back. The rest were details.
“You’re going to work well together. I think Yamapi likes you.” Jin said then. “At least, he never said anything against you.”
“There’s nothing anyone could have against me” Kazuya grinned.
Only details, Kazuya thought and joined Jin’s laughter as they walked down the street together; a distance between them, but still feeling as close as possible.
To be lovers, Kazuya was convinced, you had to be able to be friends as well.
He watched Yamashita acting out a scene with Maki-chan, the girl that had taken the female leading role in the drama. He would join that scene just later.
Sitting at the side of the set, a bottle of water in his hand and watching them, gave him some room to drift off in his thoughts. He had learned his text, so he didn’t have to repeat it in his mind.
After all, his role wasn’t so different from his real self, he thought. Thinking of his image and doing things in a way so that others would like him. Wasn’t that what being an idol was about?
After all, he thought, he was hiding his feelings, his real thoughts from everyone.
A silent sigh left his lips. He was even hiding from Jin, who was his best friend, but also, by now, his lover.
Usually, he should be able to open up to that person, but something kept him from doing so. He couldn’t quite figure it out for himself, but letting Jin know what was bothering him, what was somewhere there deep inside of him, made him afraid to scare Jin off.
Somehow he knew that that wouldn’t happen; that, no matter what he did, Jin would never refuse him. He said he loved Kazuya, so wouldn’t he still love him?
But, Kazuya thought and took a sip of his water, what was difficult about it was, you couldn’t be lovers without being able to be good friends as well; but if you’ve been lovers once, it made it much more difficult to go back to just be friends again.
If they’d make a mistake, if they broke up one day the consequences would be huge.
Kazuya knew Jin, and Kazuya knew himself. They were both too deep involved in this, feeling too deep for each other and if it ever ended, they wouldn’t be able to keep their friendship up.
Because, now that Kazuya thought about it, they had never been simply friends. He had had those complicated feelings for Jin right from the beginning and he was sure it wasn’t any different for Jin.
A smile traced his lips as Yamashita came over to him. If Jin knew Kazuya was already thinking of the end of their relationship he’d get really pissed. The smile got a little brighter.
“Thinking of someone?” Yamashita asked, as he sat down next to Kazuya.
Strangely, he had started to like the older one. Of course, Kazuya thought, as he turned to Yamashita. Jin liked him a lot, so it was most likely Kazuya would like him as well, but he was still a little sceptical about them.
“Mhm. Sort of.”
“We’ll be done quite soon. Shall I give you a ride back home?” Yamashita took his own water and opened the buttons of his school uniform jacket.
Kazuya smiled politely. “Thank you, but you don’t have to.”
“It’s not a problem at all. I’d be happy to.”
“Well…” Kazuya remembered that he had wanted to drop by at Jin’s before going home.
“We could talk a bit.”
Yamashita really was eager to get along well, Kazuya thought and gave him another smile, a honest one, this time. “Okay, sure. Thanks.”
They were both called over to film the next scene and as Kazuya got up from his chair, he noticed his mobile phone making a little noise.
He wanted to check his messages, but had to postpone it to later, since he first had to do the filming.
It was easy for him to get into the role and he didn’t have to concentrate too hard, so while acting he could still observe his surrounding.
Actually, Maki-chan was quite a cute girl. Of course she looked scary in that uniform and with her hair covering her face, but as soon as she heard the “Cut!” she would start to make jokes and fool around with them.
It wasn’t like Kazuya didn’t get along with girls, but mostly, girls he knew were more shy and reserved. She didn’t hesitate to talk to him and Yamashita and he liked that.
Apparently, Kazuya thought as she made a mistake and started to laugh, Yamashita liked her as well. He patted her head and made a joke, making her laugh even more.
That made the atmosphere at the set quite comfortable and it was easy to work with them.
After they did the scene once more, they were done for the day and saying their thanks, Kazuya and Yamashita left.
“Dance rehearsals for the whole day tomorrow, huh?” Yamashita said, as he opened his car. “I can’t really say I’m looking forward to it.”
Kazuya grinned. “You don’t like to dance? As a Johnny’s?”
“It’s not that… I’m just not much motivated lately.”
Of course, Kazuya thought, as he turned his head and watched the street. He knew that Uchi had just been forced to leave Yamashita’s band, News, and that they all were most likely more than shocked about it. A little mistake, Kazuya thought, could destroy everything.
“You were lucky back then.” Yamashita said without looking at Kazuya. They both knew he was talking about that night more than two years ago when they had been out together.
“Not really.” Kazuya responded and leaned back comfortably. He somehow had the feeling it was okay to tell Yamashita; the older one seemed so trustworthy to him. And in some way he had been involved with the whole story. “Takizawa saw us.”
Now Yamashita was looking at him, just briefly, turning his eyes back to the street then. “Did he tell him?”
“No, but he did tell me, and I never felt as bad as I felt when he told me how completely disappointed he was of me.”
“I can imagine.” The other one nodded. “We all know the rules. But even though, I think that Uchi’s punishment was way too strict.” His look got a little sad, but he seemed to abandon it and shrugged his shoulders. “However, it can’t be helped.”
Kazuya nodded, but nervously fidgeted with his fingers. “I’m sorry about it, though.”
Yamashita smiled slightly. “Thanks.” It remained silent for a while, before he spoke up again, obviously trying to change to a more cheerful topic. “How is Jin? I haven’t heard from him in a while.”
“I suppose he’s fine. I don’t see him often lately.” Kazuya said. Of course he saw Jin more often than anybody else, but after all, he didn’t see him as often as he usually did. “But we’re talking on the phone, have a walk with the dogs together, or meet up for lunch or dinner from time to time.”
Yamashita grinned. “So, he has time to go out for dinner with Kame, but not with me.”
Not commenting on that sudden change to call him so informal by his nickname, Kazuya rubbed the back of his head. “Well, you probably tried the wrong days.”
The older one shrugged his shoulders. “You have a dog?” he asked then.
“Yeah, a dachshund. She’s about two now.”
“I have two dachshunds, as well.”
Kazuya gave him a surprised look. “Oh, really? I didn’t know.”
“Yeah. P-chan and Hime-chan. They’re so cute, but it’s sometimes hard to take good care of them when it’s really busy with the band. Though, I would never give them away.”
Kazuya understood perfectly and nodded.
They kept talking about their dogs, until they reached Kazuya’s home and both of them spotted Jin at the same time. He was sitting at the stairs to the entrance of the house, Pin to his feet.
“It seems, he’s waiting for you.” Yamashita commented.
“Well… apparently.” Kazuya got out of the car and Jin to his feet, both, looking at each other, knowing with Yamashita around they couldn’t do or say too much.
He came around his car and greeted Jin with a short hug. “So, you’re still alive after all?”
Jin had just finished the filming for a drama, so his schedule wasn’t as busy as theirs lately. He grinned at Yamashita and picked up Pin. “Sure, I’m not the one, working himself to death.”
“Working hard to keep a good image for the band.” Yamapi just answered and shrugged his shoulders. Jin didn’t answer, his look said everything.
He leaned to his left a bit, looking at Kazuya who stood still by the car and watched them. “You let Yamapi take you home? You’re so spoiled.”
Kazuya gave him a grin. “Yamashita asked to, and who am I to refuse?”
“When will you finally stop calling me so formal?”
Jin gave Yamashita’s shoulder a little push. “I’d be embarrassed if all the world would call me such a stupid name.”
“Says the boy they call Bakanishi.” Yamashita and Kazuya answered in sync and burst out into laughter.
Jin held back to join them and just raised a brow at them, not commenting that at all.
“Okay, I’d better get going now.”
Kazuya nodded. “See you tomorrow, then. Thanks for taking me home, Yamapi.”
The older one gave him a grin as he opened the door to his car. “See you tomorrow. Bye, Jin.”
They waved him off and as they were alone, Kazuya turned to Jin. “What are you doing here?”
“I wrote you a message, that I’d come by today.”
“You…” Kazuya remembered and tangled his cell phone out of his bag. He had forgotten about it.
“You and Yamapi are doing well, aren’t you?”
Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “It’s okay. He’s nice.”
“I told you.”
“I never said he wasn’t.”
Jin shook his head, turning back to the steps. “Just don’t get too close.”
Kazuya frowned, not knowing how to understand that. “Don’t worry; he’ll always like you better than me.”
Jin put Pin back to his feet, and picked up the bags he brought, as he got there. He had bought Ramen in Kazuya’s favourite shop. “It’s more about you liking me better than him” he just answered, before he went inside.
Kazuya stayed, watching the door falling close again. Then he opened the text message he’d gotten earlier.
I’ll drop by after you’re finished. Will bring some Ramen. And Pin.
How is it going? I haven’t heard from you in a while.
Miss you.
Jin.
So simple, Kazuya thought. It was so typically Jin, those simple sentences; and he knew the older one had thought about typing that Miss you for an eternity, finally deciding to send it, since he really did miss Kazuya and wanted to let him know.
And then what he had said about Yamapi just a minute ago.
They’ve always been friends, and that had helped them a lot to become lovers, but, Kazuya thought, it didn’t work the other way around.
They were more lovers now than friends; they were attached to each other. Not just friends, who were there for each other, who spent time together and could talk.
Jin was his, and he was Jin’s.
So, being lovers once, they weren’t able to get back to that state when they’ve been only friends.
A detail, Kazuya thought and went to the door. It was just another detail. He loved Jin, and he always would, because if he didn’t, he’d lose him and that, Kazuya was convinced, was the worst thing to happen to him, as he followed Jin inside to tell him he had missed him, too.
“Shuji to Akira “, what meant Yamapi and Kame became the most loved artists of the year. Kazuya’s popularity had increased in this year and now that the drama was almost over, he and Yamapi got everyone’s attention.
Like a dream team. The perfect match.
Jin hated it.
Not Yamapi or Kazuya in particular, more the fact that Kazuya spent much more time with the other one than with him. He wasn’t jealous; just concerned.
After all, Kazuya was his boyfriend, wasn’t he? So, how came he spent most of his time with another boy? Jin really didn’t get it.
Of course, Kazuya hadn’t decided to spend so much time with Yamapi; it was all due to the drama and that single they had released together.
Why did they have to release a single together anyway? And why was it so successful?
Because both of them were two of the most popular Johnny’s recently, Jin thought and kicked the chair in front of him.
“What’s wrong, Jin?” Koki asked, sitting across the room and waiting to get ready for the TV show they’d appear in later.
“Nothing.”
“As if.” Koki just said and gave him a sorrowful look. Nakamaru joined him from Jin’s left side. “You’re in such a bad mood today.”
Annoyed he threw Koki a glance, then Nakamaru. “I’m not in a bad mood.”
“It’s because Kame is not here.” Junnosuke commented and grinned at Jin. “Am I right?”
“You’re not.”
“I am. You’re jealous because he gets more attention lately than the rest of us.”
He wasn’t jealous. Not because of that, not because of Yamapi, not because of anything. He wasn’t. Jin glared at Taguchi. “I don’t care for what Kazuya does.”
“But for what he gets.” Ueda commented.
Koki threw him a look and then looked back to Jin again who had given up to argue with them.
Jin noticed the look and his eyes returned it. He was still sure Koki was the only one knowing what was going on. They had both kept it as a secret from the others, but Koki seemed to look through them. Koki had somehow known it from the start.
On the other side, Kazuya had spent a lot of time with Koki lately, what made the situation not better in Jin’s eyes. They didn’t have much time to meet and if Kazuya was free he’d spent his time with Koki. He knew the two of them got along quite well, and he didn’t see Koki as a rival, but Kazuya had probably told him more about his relationship to Jin.
But even if, Jin thought now and looked away again, he didn’t even mind it, since in a way he knew they could both trust Koki. And he himself hadn’t kept it as a secret between them, either. When everything had started back then, he had talked about it to Yamashita.
As his cell phone rang and he saw Kazuya’s number, he forgot his thoughts about it and picked up.
“Hey.”
“Hey. I’m sorry, I don’t have much time, but they changed our schedules for tonight. We’re having a little party; just a few of us because of the end of the drama. Are you coming?”
Jin thought about it. A few of them, he thought, so he wouldn’t be alone with Kazuya. But at least he’d have him around. “Yeah, sure.”
He could hear Yamapi calling Kazuya’s nickname and his boyfriend laughed. “I’ll be right there.” He told Jin when and where to meet them and with a short “Bye” he hung up.
Jin frowned at his cell phone and shut it close, as they were called to get ready to go on stage.
“Jin.” Nakamaru said from behind him. “Don’t kick anyone out there, okay?”
The younger one just threw him a deadly glare. “Shut up or I’ll kick you.”
The call hadn’t upgraded his mood at all.
It was late when Jin finished and he didn’t think he would make it in time to meet Kazuya. He hurried, though, to be not too late at least.
By the time he arrived at the concerted place, Kazuya was standing there, wearing just a light jacket and rubbing his hands together.
“Sorry.” Jin said, as he reached him.
Kazuya lifted his head and smiled at him. They hadn’t seen each other for the past three days and Jin was happy no one else was around that moment.
Kazuya looked around him, there was just one streetlight a few meters away, it was already dark and no one else was walking in this park to that time.
Without saying anything, he wrapped his arms around Jin’s neck and buried his face at his collar. Jin pulled his arms around him, noticing how cold Kazuya was.
As the younger one drew back and Jin gently brushed his cheek with his thumb. He then pulled off his scarf and wrapped it around Kazuya’s neck.
“Thanks.”
“You look like you’re terribly freezing.”
“I am.” Kazuya admitted. “Didn’t know it would get so cold in the night.”
Jin smiled at him and took his hand, before they went off. “So, you’ve finished the filming?”
“Yeah, it’s over, but I guess, we’ll have to perform that song every day until I’m thirty.”
He laughed and could understand how Kazuya felt. If the song was a hit, you’d sing it for the rest of your life, every now and then, at least.
They left the park to Yamashita’s apartment that was near by. Jin’s was not too far from his place, so they agreed that Kazuya would stay with him afterwards; then he wouldn’t have to walk that far or take a train.
As they reached the apartment, Ryo was opening the door for them and Kazuya went in first.
“You’re late, Akanishi.”
“Yeah, sorry I’m working.”
Ryo gave him one of his big, bright smiles and went ahead to the living room, where Yamashita was sitting with a few other people; apparently other friends of him and some people from the drama’s staff.
Kazuya greeted all of them, then he took the glass of beer, Yamapi offered him and sat down. Jin didn’t feel uncomfortable; he never had problems to get into a group or just have some fun with others. So he sat down as well, joining their conversation.
He noticed after a while, that Kazuya took his time with drinking his beer. It was not the first time he noticed it, though, since Kazuya had been careful since that incident a few years ago.
As the younger one noticed Jin’s look, he smiled at him, lifting his glass a bit and Jin returned the gesture.
It was already late night, almost morning again, when the first people left. But since they were all off the next morning, they all didn’t really mind to stay up that long.
Ryo was the first one to fall asleep, however, sprawled out on Yamashita’s couch.
Kazuya, Jin and Yamashita were still sitting around the table in the living room, talking. Jin noticed that his friend got quite drunk, while Kazuya was still all normal. He himself felt a little dizzy, so he had stopped to drink an hour ago, to keep his mind.
“Kon!” Yamapi said in a high pitched voice, looking at Ryo who didn’t react at all.
Jin laughed and got over to him. “Let’s draw something on his face.”
The other one went for it, grabbed a pen and then leaned in, placing a loving peck to Ryo’s lips, before he said: “Sorry, sweetheart.”
Kazuya wasn’t quite sure if Yamapi had done that just because he was drunk, or if he was used to do that to Ryo. Not that drawing, he was currently doing, but more that kissing he did before. He frowned as Jin joined him and leaned it, but apparently only to draw on Ryo’s face, not to kiss him.
Even so, Yamapi seemed to get it wrong and gave Jin’s shoulder a little push. “You can kiss Kame.”
Jin stared at him. “Eh?”
“Well, I kiss Ryo, because he’s my boyfriend. You kiss Kame, because he’s your boyfriend.” Yamapi concentrated on drawing little circles to Ryo’s cheek. “That’s simple, isn’t it?”
Jin’s head turned to Kazuya, staring at him and Kazuya just lifted a brow, getting to his feet then.
“I’m going home.”
Yamapi turned to him now as well. “Aren’t you going to Jin’s?”
Kame got his jacket and the scarf; dropped the scarf again then. “Not anymore.”
Confused Yamapi threw Jin a look, looked back at Kazuya then and seemed to realize something was wrong.
Jin bit his lower lip, knowing Kazuya hadn’t mentioned anything about their relationship to Yamashita, so it was obvious, he knew it from Jin.
And apparently, Kazuya was mad about that.
Before he could leave, though, Jin followed him into the corridor and gripped Kazuya’s wrist before he opened the door.
“What’s the matter?”
Kazuya just threw him an angry glare, then he pulled himself free from Jin’s hand and got out of the apartment.
“Wait!” Jin yelled, then quickly got back to the living room to pick up his things. “Sorry, Pi, we’ll be leaving.”
The other one just stared at him. “He’s mad. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to....”
“Not your fault.” Jin just said and then made it out of the apartment as well.
In his anger, Kazuya seemed to take quite big steps, since Jin couldn’t see him anymore, but he knew which direction the other one must have taken and started to run.
As he reached him, he was out of breath, but managed to keep up with Kazuya’s pace, though.
“We need to go left, Kazuya, left.”
“You don’t really think I’m going to spend the night with you after this?”
Jin blinked twice, trying to understand what was going on. “Well, it’s quite far to your place.”
“I don’t care. I’d rather walk all night than to stay with you.” Kazuya just stated, without giving Jin any further attention. He headed to the train station.
Clueless, Jin followed him and not knowing why Kazuya was that upset, he got upset himself.
They had finally time to spend some time together and Kazuya wasted it with getting angry over such details?
“Kazuya, stop!” Jin said as they reached the platform and gripped the other one’s hand again, turning him around, so that they nearly crushed together.
Kazuya was out of breath, staring madly at Jin. “You’re such an idiot!”
“Just because Yamapi knows about it? What’s so bad about that?”
“What’s so bad? What’s so bad?” Kazuya repeated angrily. “Fuck off, Jin, he just talked about it as if it was normal!”
“Well, I guess, this is more than just about that Yamapi knows?” Jin concluded. “We’re not normal?”
“It’s not that. But he’s not supposed to know.”
“He didn’t tell the whole world, did he?” Jin asked with his voice a bit too loud now.
“But he didn’t think about saying it, either. What if the next time he says it he’s with other people?” Kazuya wanted to know and once again freed himself of Jin’s grip to get his hair out of his eyes. “Why the hell, did you have to tell him?”
The train arrived and Jin couldn’t answer over the loud sounds and noises, but when it ended, he was just as mad as Kazuya was. “It’s not like I went to his house one morning, knocked the door and said ‘Hi, Pi, lovely weather today. Oh, by the way, I’m fucking with Kame’.”
Kazuya yelped quietly at that comment, trying to calm himself, but definitely not being able to, since it hurt badly Jin reduced them to this. “It’s our secret, Jin. Telling it to others may ruins us. Not just what is between you and me, but also our careers. If you’re okay with that, go ahead and tell it to whoever you’d like to tell it to.”
He turned to enter the train, leaving Jin with a bad feeling, because they both knew Kazuya was right.
Jin made a step towards him, as Kazuya turned once more, standing in the door frame.
“And just to let you know; we’re not fucking.”
The doors closed, Jin stepped back and as the train started to move, he couldn’t do anything else than to let Kazuya go.
Jin felt bad.
It was almost two in the middle of the night and he just wanted to sleep. But he couldn’t. He was thinking of Kazuya, of the fact that he hadn’t had him here, in his bed, in his arms for more than a week by now.
It was painful; it hurt badly and he just wanted to get rid of those feelings.
He wanted Kazuya back.
After their fight they hadn’t talked to each other at all. Sometimes, when it was work-related, but not in private. And of course everyone else had taken notice of it. They were asking questions, they were talking about them behind their backs and concerned if they would manage to make up again.
It was obvious their fight had been huge, terrible and had left a large impact. But no one dared to ask what happened or even tried to get them together, so that they could make up.
Jin sighed and stared at the ceiling of his bedroom.
They were both too stubborn to make the first step, but also, they were both not able to make the step into the other direction. The safe one, the one that would get them out of this farce.
Jin had been afraid Kazuya would break up with him. For the first two days he had watched his cell phone with paranoia, awaiting a message from Kazuya every three minutes that would tell him the other one was fed up with him.
But it didn’t happen. Even so, Jin jumped every time he got a new message or when a call came in, frightened it could be from Kazuya.
He depended too much on Kazuya, Jin realized. Way too much. Kazuya hold his heart and he could do anything to him. When Kazuya decided to hurt him, he could; Jin had no protection, no defence. He was completely Kazuya’s.
And that wasn’t good, he thought. But though he knew his state, he couldn’t change anything about it. Not as long as things were like this between them. Not as long as nothing was certain.
Nothing else than the fact that he loved Kazuya.
With a heavy sigh, Jin got out of his bed and dressed. He’d get over now, sort things out, tell Kazuya that he wouldn’t let things go on like this. And get back into his bed.
The streets were empty, not many people were out and Jin turned up the heater in his car to get rid of the cold. He could have stayed in his warm bed, but, he thought, without Kazuya next to him it wasn’t that much warmer. It was a different cold, but just as freezing and all-consuming.
His watch was almost three, when he got out of his car and took the stairs to Kazuya’s apartment. He took a deep breath, before he pressed the door bell, preparing himself for another fight, but this one he would definitely end with Kazuya in his embrace.
Ten seconds pasted and Jin bit his lower lip. The younger one was most likely asleep. So Jin pressed again, longer this time.
He waited again, but nothing moved. Once more he pressed the bell, longer, then in frequent intervals, before he gave up and slammed his fists against the door.
“Open up.” He begged, as he leaned against the wood. “Kazuya, please.”
But he didn’t get any response.
Jin went back to his car, but instead of giving in and going back home, he grabbed his cell phone and pressed the button for the first number in his quick-dial.
“Where the hell are you?” Kazuya answered the phone.
“You’re asking?” Jin snorted and leaned against his car. “It’s fucking three in the morning and you’re not home.”
“Are you at my place?”
Obviously pissed off, the older one replied: “If you’re at Koki’s right know, I swear I’m going to kill him!”
He heard Kazuya laugh gently and he wished he could be with him right now, to see him, since he hadn’t heard that laugh in a while, nor had he seen it. “I’m not at Koki’s. I’m at yours.”
“You are…” Jin gasped and opened his car again, getting in quickly. “Don’t go anywhere. Stay there. Wait.”
Kazuya shut his mobile with a slight smile, as Jin hung up and put it back to his back pocket. He should have known Jin would get the same idea as he got. Making up in the middle of the night, because they were both in the lack of sleep.
It was cold, and even though he wore enough this time, he started to rub his hands to get warmer.
Yamashita had apologized a thousand times to him, but just as Jin had, Kazuya had kept telling him it wasn’t his fault. Though, now that he knew Yamapi knew about them, he was much more careful talking to him.
As he heard Jin’s car, Kazuya turned his head and with an indifferent impression he watched him getting out of his car and coming over to him.
Jin didn’t say anything, he just gripped Kazuya’s hand and tugged him inside, closing the door before he pressed Kazuya against it and kissed him.
There was no gentleness, no tenderness, nothing slow about it. It was rough and hard and Kazuya could feel Jin’s desperation in that kiss.
Unable to resist he returned the kiss, slightly moaned against Jin’s lips and nipped them, before he shoved him back, gasping for breath. At least he felt much warmer now.
“That’s not what I came here for.”
Not entirely ready to let go of Kazuya yet, Jin left his hands at Kazuya’s hips, staring into his eyes, before he turned and went ahead to his living room.
“I’m sorry.” He said, because he knew, no matter how hard it was for him to say those words, they were what Kazuya wanted to hear. So he’d say them.
“You’re not.” The younger one just said in a slightly cold voice, before he sat down. “But I know you don’t want to fight anymore, so it’s okay.”
They were both remaining silent for a few minutes, fighting with their selves to give in and say what needed to be said.
“Listen…” Kazuya started then and Jin turned his head to him. “If they find out about us, we’re really going to lose everything.”
Jin nodded, standing at the window and watching Kazuya, who refused to look at him. “I needed someone to talk to.”
“Why didn’t you just talk to me?”
“Well…” Jin laughed bitterly. “I had just found out that I was in love with you and I didn’t know if you felt the same. It was about you, Kazuya, I couldn’t possibly talk to you about it.”
The brunette sighed, walking over and leaning against the wall across from Jin. “I see.”
“He’s not going to tell anyone. Don’t you think he knows how difficult the situation is?”
Kazuya knew Jin was talking about Yamashita’s relationship to Nishikido. They obviously were more than friends as well, if Kazuya understood it right what Yamapi had been saying to Jin that night. “Well, as long as he’s not drunk.”
“But he was talking to me, he was secure he could talk about it.” Enraged, Jin made a step towards him. “Because he knows about us, and well, at least I knew about them.”
“He knew it all the time we were working together… what else did you tell him about me?”
Jin sighed. “Nothing. It’s so long ago that I told him I had feelings for you, apparently. And when it worked out, I told him it did. I knew about him and Ryo, I knew he would understand, so I talked to him.”
Kazuya nodded and it remained silent again. “You should have told me.”
“Well, you got mad as you found out. So, telling you would not have been the best idea.”
“There’s a difference between not telling me and keeping it as a secret until I’d find out.”
Jin sighed heavily and threw his hands up, let them fall down again. “I’m sorry.”
Kazuya shook his head. “I know. I just don’t like you lying to me.”
“I wasn’t lying.”
“Keeping important things from me.” Kazuya corrected.
“Kazuya…” Jin started and got over to him, until he could look him straight into the eyes. He embraced him and felt Kazuya’s body pressing to his, apparently just as longing for him as he was for the younger one. “It’s too much.”
They both knew he wasn’t talking about their fight, but they were both too afraid to acknowledge it. Too depending on each other to give in and abandon their feelings.
They had to draw a line and stop it. They had to end this; it would lead them into disaster otherwise.
It was too much.
But they both couldn’t, weren’t able to let go of each other.
Kazuya raised his head, brushed his lips against Jin’s. “I know” he murmured and lifted his arms to pull Jin into another kiss.
“Didn’t you say you weren’t up for this?” Jin asked with a slight smile, as Kazuya pushed him to the couch.
The younger one smiled at him seductively and crouched down on Jin’s lap before he framed his face with his hands and kissed his minds out.
“That was a lie.”