Kamen Sequel /// Done with Feeling /// Oneshot (Part I)
banner by naomi0211 ♥♥♥
Title: Done with Feeling
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG
Warning: Uchi.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Once, they promised to move on, after everything that had happened between them, but suddenly, moving on seems hard to do. At least, when it's about moving on together.
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
A/N#3: This is a sequel to Kamen.
Okay, I suppose most of you guys follw Jin on Twitter? You'll get the hints in this XD
Anyways, I decided to part it, since the oneshot tunred out longer than expected. @_@ So much drama!!
I hope you all enjoy it.
kristen_erika , I wanted to do this for the Drabble already, but I messed up and forgot ;_; This is a late birthday present for you ♥ I hope you enjoy the angst and I hope you even still want to read about this fic! <333 Happy belated birthday!
Done with Feeling
(make sure to read this drabble first!)
Jin rubbed the frown on his forehead with his fingers, staring at the paper in front of him.
He had come back to Japan only a few days ago and wasn’t sleeping well at night. For the past few days, he had slept in the afternoon and thus, he was wide awake at night.
But that was okay, since this way, he could work much better.
He sat on his bed in his apartment now, a pen between his teeth and a paper in his hand. He scrabbled a few words down and crossed those above, staring at words for a while again after that.
It was raining outside and the dripping against his window was the only sound in the room.
Jin raised his look for a moment, staring at the window, listening to the rain’s melody, before he lowered his eyes again.
Briefly, they glanced at the picture next to his bed and he sighed.
It’s been four months and Jin had always taken that damn frame with him. He had thought about leaving it in his room in L.A., but as he had left for the first time, he could not have left it behind, so he had brought it along to Japan.
As he had left Japan after that again, he had taken it with him, too. And now that he was back again, the picture Kazuya had given to him had been in his luggage once again.
He should probably not take it back to L.A. Taking it back would mean he’d look at it each day, even unconsciously and it would remind him of where his heart was.
Still feeling attached to Kazuya was something that should stop.
They had broken up for good and Jin betrayed himself in being unable to let go finally. Kazuya surely had put everything away already, had forgotten about it.
With a slight smile, Jin put the paper and pen to his night stand and leaned back on his bed.
Kazuya hadn’t.
He probably held on to this even more than Jin did and the chances for Kazuya being over them already were pretty small.
It’s where I want you to be and where I want you to return to someday, Jin remembered the words from the letter. With that, Kazuya had made their break-up meaningless.
To Jin, it was obvious that in a given time, not long from where he was now, he and Kazuya would be together again.
They did belong together, they always had.
Jin just needed a bit more time to get this straight, to figure out the workload this needed. It needed a lot and he couldn’t risk neglecting his solo career.
Kazuya understood, Jin was sure Kazuya did. He knew this wasn’t about Jin falling out of love. It was how he had said it: there was no room for a relationship in his life right now.
But Jin had realised himself by now that, just because he hadn’t room didn’t mean he also didn’t want one. He missed Kazuya and he missed the plain feeling of being loved by someone, of coming home.
Each time he returned from L.A., it didn’t feel like coming home, at all. Jin knew he would go to this empty apartment, spending his nights and days alone.
He wanted to wake up next to Kazuya again, wanted to be able to open up that door and find his boyfriend smiling at him, receiving a warm Welcome Home.
Jin closed his eyes and listened to the sound of the rain. Days like these were made to spend them with the one you love, he thought and sighed slightly.
Rainy days were made to be spent together with someone.
Jin turned and curled up to fall asleep.
He had had enough time to think about it and sort things out. By now, he knew what his decision would be and that he had to do something about it.
Next time it would rain, he would spend the day with Kazuya.
Kazuya looked up at a perfect blue sky, as he was led from a car to a backstage entry of the stadium.
Today, they’d record the show in the stadium, commenting on the game. He was looking forward to it, as the game promised to be really exciting and had actually placed a few bets on one of the teams.
It was mid of January and the snow had melted into rain mostly, but it was still cold.
As Kazuya reached the room they stay in, he was left alone and went to the window, checking the view. The window was quite huge and displayed a large view over the city.
He noticed a shopping mall, where lots of small people could be seen, cars filled the streets and in between all the huge, modern houses, there was an old shrine.
Kazuya’s eyes kept being attached to it.
A few people were on the yard, they surely came for prayers. They were too small to actually make out what they were doing. Kazuya looked at the small building next to the shrine, knowing it’d be a stand selling lucky charms and the like.
He still couldn’t forget about New Years’. About what Jin had written to his plaque, his wish of changing his decision.
It wasn’t fair; he must have known Kazuya would read it, would see it and that he wouldn’t be able to just ignore those words.
How on earth was Kazuya supposed to get over them that way?
It had been so long, almost four months by now, since their break-up. But it still hurt as much as it did the first day, when Kazuya just thought about Jin.
When he had made his decision, when he had decided to let Jin leave him, Kazuya had never thought it would get as hard as it was now.
They had been separated before, been without any contact.
But still, this was different.
Before, he knew Jin had been there. It had even been a bit like a game, because Kazuya had known that at any time, he could have returned to Jin and Jin would have not rejected him for a second.
They had always been lovers, so matter the circumstances, no matter the troubles.
But now, they had agreed on stop being lovers and Kazuya felt himself falling apart upon realising it more and more.
He needed Jin; he needed his presence in his own life like he needed this job.
But, it was not on him to change their situation. Jin had the keys; Jin was the one the decision was up to. And Jin had not yet used his key again.
Sighing, Kazuya turned around again and sat down at a table, waiting until his co-workers appeared.
As the game was finally over, he wasn’t in the best mood. It had been a good game, but the team he had bet on had lost.
His mobile made a buzzing sound in his pocket and Kazuya quickly got it out, as they were led through the backstage halls of the stadium to get back to the room they stayed in before.
As he saw the mail he had just received was from Jin, he didn’t know what to do for a moment. He stopped and stared at the display, reading Jin’s name over and over again.
“Kamenashi-san, are you coming?”
He looked up and nodded. “I’ll be there in a second.”
Slowly, he moved his thumb over the buttons and it stopped over the right one to open the message.
He knew it was childish, but Kazuya’s heartbeat pounded loudly in his hears and he hadn’t been as nervous in a long while.
“Kame.”
He stopped upon hearing that voice, lowering his mobile phone, as he turned around.
“I thought it was you.” Uchi approached him with a smile.
Kazuya flipped his mobile shut and mustered a smile, as he put it back to his pocket. “Hey, it’s nice to see you”, he said. “How did you get here?”
“They let me past”, Uchi simply answered. “How are you doing?”
Kazuya shrugged. “Quite fine. I’m here for work.”
“It shouldn’t be that much of a stressing job for you to talk about baseball.”
Kazuya laughed quietly. “Not at all. Did you watch the game?”
Uchi nodded. “A friend had tickets and asked me to come along.”
They both kept quiet for a moment, then they burst into a loud discussion about the game and about how it had gone and ended.
“I couldn’t believe he didn’t make that one.” Kazuya shook his head. They stood next to each other now, leaning against the wall.
Uchi agreed with a nod. “It’s such a pity.” Then, he looked at his watch. “What do you think? Would you like to have a late lunch with me?”
Kazuya looked a bit puzzled, but then, he smiled. “Ah, sorry, but I can’t. We’ll go to the studio now and shoot the rest of the show.”
“Oh, I see”, Uchi answered. “I’m here for a little longer, though.”
Kazuya lowered his look.
“We could have dinner again sometime?”
“Sure”, he answered friendly. “I can call up Tegoshi and...”
“No, Kame, I mean...”, Uchi interrupted him, “just you and me.”
Kazuya stared for a moment, his eyes big.
“You broke up, didn’t you?”
For a moment, Kazuya thought he would break down right there. But nothing happened, only his heart ached, so much like it hadn’t ached in months.
He and Jin were over.
That was a fact he had to acknowledge, that he couldn’t keep secret.
Swallowing thickly, Kazuya shrugged a shoulder, managed a weak laugh. “Yeah, we did.” He wished he didn’t have to say that.
“I thought so”, Uchi just said.
Kazuya didn’t know what else to add, so he just stayed silent.
“I could help you, you know”, Uchi said then, not looking at Kazuya, either. “I could help you forget and get over it.”
“Don’t make it sound like you were okay with being a substitute”, Kazuya just murmured.
“I’m not”, Uchi agreed. “Did you even ever have another relationship?”
Kazuya hesitated, before he shook his head.
“No wonder the two of you couldn’t last any longer.” Uchi shrugged his shoulders. “You didn’t think you’d stay with that one person for all your life, did you?”
Those words were harsh and Kazuya wanted to tell him, wanted to tell Uchi that he and Jin actually could stay together for a whole life time.
Then, he realised his mistake, as well. He and Jin weren’t together anymore and wouldn’t stay with each other for forever. They had both once thought that, had believed in it for so long, but by now, all that was gone.
“I’m not forcing you into anything. But we’re friends”, Uchi pointed out. “So, while I’m still here in Tokyo, let’s have dinner someday, okay?”
Kazuya looked at him now, before he nodded. “Yeah, sure. That’d be nice.”
Uchi smiled, before he reached out and shortly touched Kazuya’s arm. “You better move on, Kame.”
Watching him leave, Kazuya stayed for a little longer, thinking about those words.
That was said so easily, but hard to do.
He had loved Jin, ever since had even known what love was, it had been ever only Jin he had felt that way for. And that hadn’t changed with their break-up.
He wouldn’t ever stop loving Jin in that way, Kazuya was pretty well aware of that, but he probably had to realise that it couldn’t stay like that forever.
As he turned to go back to the room, he remembered the mail and quickly got out his mobile to check on it.
He opened the message without a second thought now.
Hey.
You probably think it’s weird I’m writing now. But I haven’t seen you in a while. Can we talk? I would like to see you sometime, if that’s okay.
Jin.
Kazuya stared at the message for a moment, before he put his mobile away again.
He didn’t think he should answer that mail.
“I’m happy you came”, Uchi said, as Kazuya approached him.
They had texted each other for the past days and Kazuya had decided to have dinner with Uchi, after all. They were friends, this didn’t have to get a deeper meaning.
He was just meeting up with a friend for dinner.
“Did you wait?”, he asked, as they walked into the restaurant.
Uchi shook his head. “Not long, I just came a few moments ago.”
They were led to a table and sat down, giving their orders for drinks. As the waiter was gone, Uchi leaned in a bit and tilted his head.
“So, how are you doing?”
“Fine”, Kazuya said with a smile. “It’s busy lately. We’re working on a new single.”
“Is it weird?” Uchi took his napkin and folded it in his hands. “Being just five suddenly?”
Kazuya shrugged. “It’s probably weirder for me than it is for the other guys. They...”
Uchi smiled, as Kazuya didn’t finish his thought. “They didn’t have the same relationship to him.”
Over that, Kazuya just had to laugh. “That would have been weird.”
They got the menu and talked about what to eat and to order, about what food they liked and what was their favourite.
As their dishes were served later, they kept talking in that light atmosphere, in an unforced manner. Kazuya noticed himself actually enjoying the time he spend with Uchi and felt grateful he hadn’t decided against it.
Uchi’s company was really enjoyable and he was easy to talk to. He understood Kazuya well and Kazuya could tell he didn’t lie, whenever they were of the same opinion.
Uchi was a lot like him; they had many things in common and got along more than well. And Kazuya hadn’t just realised that today, he had been aware of that for a long while. But he had never given it deeper thoughts, because thinking of Uchi in that way...
Kazuya took a sip from his wine and tried to sort his thoughts.
He had thought of Uchi like that before. It had started all of his problems with Jin, because Kazuya had kissed Uchi that one night.
It had been so long by now and still, Kazuya remembered that night vividly. And everything that ahd followed.
Uchi had always been the only rival Jin had ever had.
“Are you okay?”
Kazuya snapped out of his thoughts and mustered a smile. “Yeah, sure. Sorry, I got lost in a thought.”
Uchi grinned. “I noticed. I stole some of your chicken.”
Kazuya gaped and stared at his plate.
“You didn’t notice at all.”
“Give me some of your pork”, Kazuya just demanded.
“No way!”
They got lost in a fight over Uchi’s meat and when they left the restaurant later, they were still laughing.
“We should come here again”, Uchi suggested. “I’ll order chicken then and you can order pork.”
“I’ll order both”, Kazuya corrected. “And you can watch me eating.”
Uchi stopped at his car and gave Kazuya an asking look. “Where did you park yours?”
“Oh”, Kazuya looked around as if he was searching for something. “I didn’t come by car. I took the train.”
Uchi leaned against his car and played with the keys in his hands. “Shall I give you a ride?”
Kazuya shook his head. “I can...”
“I really should.”
They both fell silent after that, until Kazuya took a deep breath and walked towards Uchi. “Okay.”
Uchi smiled and turned, before he got into the driver’s seat.
Kazuya got in next to him and didn’t say a word, until Uchi turned on the radio.
“I can’t stand such awkward silence”, he pointed out.
Kazuya smiled slightly. “Sorry.”
“I’m just driving you home, Kazuya.”
“Kame”, he said automatically. Raising his look, he added: “Don’t call me Kazuya.”
“Still not?”
Kazuya shrugged. “Kazuya feels more like a pet name to me than Kame does. No one else calls me Kazuya.”
Uchi didn’t argue, he just nodded. “Fine, so I’ll stay with calling you Kame.”
Kazuya smiled slightly. “Thank you.”
For the remaining time, they kept silent again, but this time, it was a rather comfortable silence. So Kazuya just listened to the music on the radio and watched the street lights outside.
As they arrived in front of his apartment building, Kazuya turned to Uchi and smiled. “Thanks for bringing me home.”
Uchi looked at him, too. “You’re welcome.”
They kept staring at each other for a little longer. Kazuya bit his lip, insecure of what to do. He should turn away, get out of the car and walk up to his flat.
Instead, he stayed and held Uchi’s eyes with his, waited for what the other man would do.
He didn’t pull back, as Uchi slowly leaned in. He thought he should, he was ought to pull back and say it went to fast, that he couldn’t yet do that.
But Kazuya did neither and just stayed, let Uchi press his lips slowly to his own.
It was different.
Different from how Jin had used to kiss him, but also different from how he remembered that one kiss he had shared with Uchi before.
Hesitant and slow, the kiss spun out and they both kept their eyes open, watching the other one. Kazuya couldn’t take his look off of Uchi’s. He felt a wave running through his whole body, tracing a shiver behind and leaving a warm, almost hot tingling feeling.
Uchi slowly pulled back and Kazuya bit his lip again, giving him an insecure look. Uchi returned it, seemingly just as nervous.
Uchi had been in love with him for so long, had been hurt by Kazuya’s insecurity and selfishness. He could make up for that now, he could take that chance and be with someone who really cared for him and would help him forget the pain.
It could definitely be that easy, Kazuya was sure it could. He just had to let it happen.
“I...”, Uchi started and took a trembling breath. “Good night, Kame.”
Kazuya hesitated for only a second. “Would you like to come upstairs?”
He could see the shock in Uchi’s eyes, the stare, the disbelief, but it was all replaced by something Kazuya could only interpret as hope.
And in that moment, he knew he had made the only right decision.
It probably wasn’t that easy, Jin thought, as he got out of his car. He had thought he could just write Kazuya a message, meet up with him and everything would fall into place naturally.
Apparently, nothing was even close to its usual place, however.
He walked into the office and pressed the button for the lift, waiting with his hands in his pockets and one foot tipping in a slow rhythm.
Kazuya had not answered his mail and he had been too afraid to send other one. Jin didn’t know how to handle all this; his feelings and Kazuya’s ignorance.
It was just a few days until Kazuya’s birthday and Jin had already planned that, if Kazuya shouldn’t answer before that, Jin would give him a call.
Somehow, he would get through to Kazuya.
The doors of the elevator opened and Jin wanted to get in, but stopped, as he saw Kazuya inside, staring back at him.
Slowly, Jin got in and frowned slightly, as the doors closed and Kazuya just stayed where he was.
“Didn’t you come from upstairs?”
Kazuya winced at that and Jin noticed how that gesture stabbed his heart.
“Ah, yeah”, Kazuya answered and ran a hand through his hair.
Jin didn’t answer that; he really didn’t know what to say.
“How are you doing?” Kazuya shortly glanced at him.
“Fine”, Jin answered. “It’s going well.”
The doors opened and for a moment, both of them hesitated. But then, Jin took Kazuya’s wrist and pulled him along and down the corridor.
Kazuya didn’t put up a fight. He let Jin have his head and followed him, until Jin opened a room and tugged Kazuya inside.
“You didn’t answer my mail”, he said, as soon as the door was closed.
Kazuya avoided Jin’s eyes. “I... I didn’t know what to answer.”
“Yes or No would have been enough.”
Looking up, Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “I probably didn’t want to answer.”
Jin had expected that answer. “Kazuya, listen...”
“No, wait. Before you say anything”, Kazuya interrupted him and finally pulled his hand from Jin’s. He couldn’t have Jin hold his hand, while Kazuya would tell him what was going on. “I have to tell you something.”
Jin just shook his head and leaned in, framing Kazuya’s face, before he kissed him. Kazuya whined, but he didn’t bring up the strength to push Jin back.
It felt too familiar and he had missed it way too much.
Jin withdrew after a moment, looking at Kazuya’s face. “You looked so unhappy.”
Kazuya just gave him an asking look, still puzzled from what just happened.
“Your whole presence seems so unhappy, Kazuya”, Jin explained. “I can’t stand that.”
Kazuya took a deep breath, before he finally got to his senses back and took Jin’s wrists, pulling his hands from Kazuya’s cheeks. “I’m not unhappy.”
Jin smiled slightly, as if he knew better.
What made Kazuya even angrier. “You can’t just pull me off into some room and suddenly kiss me, Jin.”
Jin took a step back. “Sorry.”
“We broke up”, Kazuya reminded him. “You decided there’s no room for me in your life, didn’t you?”
Jin shook his head. “We both know it was a mistake to...”
“But it’s done.” Kazuya tried to calm down his anger. “I told you to listen to me first.”
Jin fell silent to that. He had thought Kazuya would want to go back as much as he did, but apparently, Kazuya didn’t want that at all.
He felt all blood rushing from his face, as he realised that Kazuya probably was over him.
Kazuya didn’t look at Jin. “You can’t just kiss me.”
Jin swallowed thickly, knowing what would come now.
“I’m in a relationship, Jin.”
He should have known that, should have known it from the moment, the doors to the lit had opened. That guilty look in Kazuya’s eyes - Jin should have read it in an instant.
But he had only seen what he had wanted to see.
“We broke up and...” Kazuya trailed off, as he looked at Jin. He turned, before he continued: “I got sick of waiting for you and missing you. I was sick of being so damn love sick.”
Jin frowned slightly. He couldn’t say it, but it was strange to him that he and Kazuya once again had felt exactly the same and yet, had decided on different solutions.
Jin had realised that he had to get back to Kazuya, while Kazuya had decided he needed someone new.
Slowly, Jin sat down on a chair and just stared with that frown at the floor.
Kazuya turned back to him and bit his lip. “Don’t you have anything to say?”
Jin just shrugged.
“I was afraid of telling you”, Kazuya admitted. “I thought....”
“What?” Jin looked up at him. “What did you think, Kazuya? That I would throw a fit? That I would hate you? That I would say hurting stuff?”
Kazuya didn’t know why, but suddenly, he was afraid. Jin didn’t act like he had expected him to. He didn’t get angry, didn’t say words to hurt him. He just sat there and looked at Kazuya with so much pain in his eyes.
“You should know me better, Kazuya. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.”
Kazuya bit his lip, still didn’t know what to answer.
“So”, Jin just continued quietly, “he finally got you.”
Kazuya knew he was talking about Uchi. Jin must have figured that much himself. Who else would it be?
He just nodded. “I can’t spend my time longing for you, Jin.”
Jin got up and ran a hand through his hair, letting go of his breath. “Yeah, I suppose you can’t.”
“We broke up”, Kazuya just repeated in a weak voice, as if he was trying to defend his decision.
Jin smiled slightly, buried his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, we did.” He shrugged. “I just... I thought with that letter you said you were waiting.”
He had; Kazuya knew he had written it indirectly.
“What am I supposed to say, Kazuya?” Jin just gave him another look, his eyes demanding a clear answer. “What could I say? What should I say?”
Kazuya stared back for a moment, then he looked down and his look got firm again, decided. “That’s not the question, Jin. It’s not about what you should say or what you could say or what anyone expects you to say.”
He looked up and held Jin’s eyes with his, didn’t let him off the hook this time.
“Tell me what it is that you want to say.”
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Thanks for reading!
Next part is up as soon as possible! After all, nothing's solved... And Jin surely wants to say A LOT!