Maintaining the Distance, Part 1/9
Title: Maintaining the Distance 1/9
Characters: Steve McGarrett/Adam Noshimuri, Kono Kalakaua/Adam Noshimuri; also featuring Danny Williams and Chin Ho Kelly.
Rating: M
Beta: The always generous siluria, who probably doesn't know how much she helps me! Thanks, babe!
Word Count:This part: 2,044 words of 16,162 for the total fic.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, haven't a hope in hell of any of this story being canon.
Warnings: Angst by the bucket-load, an emotionally challenged Steve, and a little unable-to-resist-each-other cheating in one chapter, so if that kind of thing isn't to your taste, you may not want to read any further. Also be aware that there is no real Happy Ever After here, although my muses tell me a third instalment should be written. It has been started but is not progressing very quickly.
Summary: Adam is back in town, and Steve finds out that Kono and Adam are now together. He's not sure how he feels about that considering what Adam and Steve were to each other last time Adam was in town.
Author's Notes: This is the very late sequel to Blinking Against the Distance, about a short-lived relationship between Steve and Adam that happened around the time Adam's father was missing, presumed dead. This new part takes up in canon where Steve comes back from Japan with Wo Fat, and Adam reappears on the scene (Season 2-3?). Expect that to be the only real thing it has in common with canon.
Can also be found here on AO3
Steve looked between the gun in his own hand and the one Adam Noshimuri had pointed at Wo Fat.
He was back. Adam was back.
A million questions went through Steve's head as the team tried to convince Adam not to shoot the man who'd killed his father. But he couldn't ask any of them; not right now; not right here.
It was Kono's words that convinced Adam that Five-0 had control of things; that Wo Fat would pay for what he'd done without Adam serving life imprisonment.
Steve couldn't react to Adam openly any more than Adam could to him. It was clear he hadn't come back for Steve, but for Kono. When had that relationship had time to happen? Steve was lost in the implication of how long they must have been dating for her to be able to talk him down like that. And no matter that both Chin and Danny knew how things had stood last time Steve had seen Adam, no one else did.
Not even Kono.
Unless Adam had told her, and Steve could see from the look in his eyes when Steve faced him that he hadn't, and probably never would. After all, he'd never told Steve that he was interested in women, let alone that he was back in Hawaii, or that he was seeing Kono.
In fact, going by everything Steve was seeing and hearing now, Adam had wanted Kono to keep it all secret. From Steve especially.
And that hurt more than the fact that Adam had found someone else.
But Steve put on the face he needed to when both Wo Fat and Adam were taken away; the face that was grateful to see his team - and in all honesty, he was grateful. He could push away his feelings for Adam and not think about them at all while he reunited with Danny, Chin, and even Kono, in the way he wanted to; the way they deserved. Jealousy was nowhere in his vocabulary as he hugged her as easily as he did the rest of them. After all, how could she know how Steve felt?
He refused to consider the churning in his gut as his eyes briefly met Adam's when he was being loaded into a squad car.
There was nothing left between them; there couldn't be.
~//~
It was much later when Danny caught up with Steve, dangling the keys of the Camaro in one hand as he smiled crookedly at Steve and murmured, "Black cargoes."
Steve laughed, throwing an arm around Danny's shoulder again, and swiped the key from his hand as they headed for the car. It felt good to be close to Danny again - to feel his solid strength against him - when after all Steve had gone through with Adam before, they had been wary of such proximity. But now it seemed as natural as it had the months before that, when Danny hadn't known about Steve; hadn't been aware that he and Adam had slept together.
In the car, Danny looked across at Steve. "You okay, babe?"
Steve offered him a questioning look as he started the car. "I'm good. Well, nothing a soak in a hot tub and a few band-aids won't cure."
"I didn't mean that."
Steve knew what he had to be referring to, but decided to play dumb. He studied the road as if he didn't know it, rather than look back at Danny. "What did you mean?"
"Come on, Steve." Danny's voice was soft. "Adam... and Kono."
Steve licked his lips carefully before replying. "It was over between Adam and me months ago; you know that. He can see whoever he likes. He doesn't have to tell me..." His voice faltered and he swallowed hard before going on, "He doesn't have to tell me his movements, or who he's seeing."
Danny was uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. All Steve could hear was the beating of his heart and the low whooshing of the air passing the car as they sped along the roads of Oahu.
When Danny spoke again, his voice held the pain that Steve couldn't express. "It's gotta hurt, babe. Firstly, knowing how close you two got, and then to find out he didn't even get in touch when he came back here, and then... then Kono..."
Steve was tired, so damned tired. It had been a long day, an even longer night, and he hadn't slept in... he wasn't even sure how long; the time difference between Hawaii and Japan was screwing with his mind.
He felt like he'd had squashed all his emotions about Adam into a tiny box in the corner of his mind for months now. Catching Wo Fat had taken up a much bigger place. Now that Wo Fat was caught and Adam was on his way to jail, that tiny Adam box was growing of its own accord; Steve's churning emotions threatening to make it spill over.
Danny's gentle pity was not helping matters.
"Look, Danny," Steve finally got out, offering him a pleading look, "I'm okay. Adam and Kono..." He almost couldn't go on, but he made himself, tamping the looming explosion back down into the tiny box that had held it tightly all this time. "They have every right to see each other, and I don't figure in any way in it. And that's okay. I've moved on."
Danny nodded and said nothing further. The rest of their journey was travelled in silence, and Steve could feel Danny's bewilderment, and his retraction back into the awkward place the two of them had occupied since Danny had found out about Steve's sexuality.
At Steve's place, they both got out of the car, and Steve handed Danny the key, nodding his thanks as he collected his belongings from the trunk and stood awkwardly beside the car.
"I'll call you tomorrow," Danny said as he climbed into the driver's seat.
"You don't have to," Steve told him.
"I do," Danny said, and gunned the engine before Steve could reply again.
Steve watched the Camaro pull away from the curb, and sighed as the taillights grew smaller. He shook his head and made his way to the front door.
~//~
Some twenty minutes later, standing in the shower with his head under the spray and his eyes closed, Steve took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders out before twisting off the faucet and stepping out of the cubicle. He grabbed a towel and was tucking it around his waist when he heard the doorbell.
Frowning to himself, he pulled another towel off the rack and rubbed it across his head as he went through to his bedroom, ditching the towels on the end of the bed and pulling on a pair of sweatpants. He pulled a t-shirt from the drawer and donned it as he ran downstairs, stopping before he opened the door.
"Who is it?"
"It's me." Chin's disembodied voice sounded vaguely apologetic.
Steve opened the door, his mouth setting into a line as he imagined what had brought his friend and ex-lover here tonight of all nights, when he should be at home with his wife.
Chin looked up from under a worried brow as their eyes met. "Hey."
"Hey yourself." Steve tilted his head slightly, inviting Chin inside, and gazed over his shoulder as if checking for spies in the bushes as the man moved quietly past him. He closed the door behind himself and held out a hand to offer Chin a seat in the living room.
Chin smiled unevenly and lowered himself to the edge of the couch as Steve sat down in a chair perpendicular to it.
"Are you okay?" was the first thing Chin asked, one eyebrow raised slightly higher than the other in a worried look that Steve knew only too well.
Steve shook his head. "I've been through all this with Danny already, Chin. I'm fine."
Chin leaned forward, both hands dangling between his legs as he spoke earnestly. "But are you? I know it can't have been easy realizing that Adam and Kono are together now. I… I was surprised when I found out, especially knowing what I did about Adam, but for you… I can't even imagine how much more of a shock it was."
Studying the floor for a moment while he considered what to say, Steve took a slow breath in, and then let it out again gently, trying not to leap to anger about the over-concern both of his friends had shown him. Exactly how weak did they think he was emotionally?
"Look, Chin," Steve began at last, lifting his head to meet Chin's eyes. "Just because Adam and I had a thing once doesn't mean he can't… choose a woman this time around. I told Danny, and I'll tell you too: I've moved on. Evidently he has too, and I can…" He hesitated for a moment, licking his lips and glancing at the familiar room around them. "I can deal with it. The last thing Kono needs to find out is that the man she is seeing was once… with me. Maybe he'll tell her, and if he does…"
He frowned into Chin's eyes, seeing the compassion in their depths. "I hope he doesn't, for both of their sakes, but if he does, then she needs to know that I'm no threat to what they have now. Adam and I made no promises to each other - pretty much the reverse, in fact. So… you don't need to worry about me, okay?" He gave Chin a tight smile, rubbing at his nose with his knuckles.
Chin snorted softly and shook his head. "You act so tough, but it's only been a few months. You can't tell me that you're not hurting, Steve. I can see it. I don't know that I can help any, but I… I get what it's like. God knows, there have been times…"
"Times when what?"
Chin took a breath and heaved it out with effort, rubbing at his head. "When you and I first split… I know you like to think it was because of me connecting with Malia again, but we both know you were the one who moved away first. And I… I wondered then…" Chin stopped like he'd let too much out and wondered if he was making a mistake.
"No, go on." Steve gave him a 'gimme' motion. "What did you wonder? You can't tell me you were heart-broken when I called it off? Malia… Malia is the love of your life and you knew… We both knew what you and I had was going nowhere beyond the friendship that I still value a whole lot more than the brief interlude we had together. It was the right thing then and it still is. Don't make this out to be any different; it's not.
"Look, Adam may not be Kono's soul-mate, but they obviously have something special, and if Adam and I had that, he never would have left when he did."
Chin studied Steve's face quietly for a few moments and then nodded. "Okay. But don't keep this inside and think you have to deal with it alone, Steve. If you need someone to talk to, ever, about this or… how you're feeling - yeah, yeah, laugh that off like the tough guy you always pretend to be - just… know I'm here. Any time. I mean it."
Steve had started to smile when Chin mentioned how he was feeling, but he sobered at the next words, knowing they were heartfelt and honest. He swallowed back the protest he'd been about to reiterate and simply nodded, standing up as Chin did, and taking a step towards him.
"Thanks, brah," Steve finally got out, allowing Chin to draw him into a half-hug with a slap on the back before they parted and Chin headed for the door. "See you tomorrow at HQ."
Chin cocked a brow at him. "You're not taking a day off to catch up on sleep?"
Steve shrugged, and frowned incredulously. "Have I ever?"
Shaking his head and smiling, Chin replied, "No, so why would you start now, right?"
"Absolutely." Steve gave Chin's shoulder one last slap as he opened the door.
~//~
Part Two
Characters: Steve McGarrett/Adam Noshimuri, Kono Kalakaua/Adam Noshimuri; also featuring Danny Williams and Chin Ho Kelly.
Rating: M
Beta: The always generous siluria, who probably doesn't know how much she helps me! Thanks, babe!
Word Count:This part: 2,044 words of 16,162 for the total fic.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, haven't a hope in hell of any of this story being canon.
Warnings: Angst by the bucket-load, an emotionally challenged Steve, and a little unable-to-resist-each-other cheating in one chapter, so if that kind of thing isn't to your taste, you may not want to read any further. Also be aware that there is no real Happy Ever After here, although my muses tell me a third instalment should be written. It has been started but is not progressing very quickly.
Summary: Adam is back in town, and Steve finds out that Kono and Adam are now together. He's not sure how he feels about that considering what Adam and Steve were to each other last time Adam was in town.
Author's Notes: This is the very late sequel to Blinking Against the Distance, about a short-lived relationship between Steve and Adam that happened around the time Adam's father was missing, presumed dead. This new part takes up in canon where Steve comes back from Japan with Wo Fat, and Adam reappears on the scene (Season 2-3?). Expect that to be the only real thing it has in common with canon.
Can also be found here on AO3
Steve looked between the gun in his own hand and the one Adam Noshimuri had pointed at Wo Fat.
He was back. Adam was back.
A million questions went through Steve's head as the team tried to convince Adam not to shoot the man who'd killed his father. But he couldn't ask any of them; not right now; not right here.
It was Kono's words that convinced Adam that Five-0 had control of things; that Wo Fat would pay for what he'd done without Adam serving life imprisonment.
Steve couldn't react to Adam openly any more than Adam could to him. It was clear he hadn't come back for Steve, but for Kono. When had that relationship had time to happen? Steve was lost in the implication of how long they must have been dating for her to be able to talk him down like that. And no matter that both Chin and Danny knew how things had stood last time Steve had seen Adam, no one else did.
Not even Kono.
Unless Adam had told her, and Steve could see from the look in his eyes when Steve faced him that he hadn't, and probably never would. After all, he'd never told Steve that he was interested in women, let alone that he was back in Hawaii, or that he was seeing Kono.
In fact, going by everything Steve was seeing and hearing now, Adam had wanted Kono to keep it all secret. From Steve especially.
And that hurt more than the fact that Adam had found someone else.
But Steve put on the face he needed to when both Wo Fat and Adam were taken away; the face that was grateful to see his team - and in all honesty, he was grateful. He could push away his feelings for Adam and not think about them at all while he reunited with Danny, Chin, and even Kono, in the way he wanted to; the way they deserved. Jealousy was nowhere in his vocabulary as he hugged her as easily as he did the rest of them. After all, how could she know how Steve felt?
He refused to consider the churning in his gut as his eyes briefly met Adam's when he was being loaded into a squad car.
There was nothing left between them; there couldn't be.
~//~
It was much later when Danny caught up with Steve, dangling the keys of the Camaro in one hand as he smiled crookedly at Steve and murmured, "Black cargoes."
Steve laughed, throwing an arm around Danny's shoulder again, and swiped the key from his hand as they headed for the car. It felt good to be close to Danny again - to feel his solid strength against him - when after all Steve had gone through with Adam before, they had been wary of such proximity. But now it seemed as natural as it had the months before that, when Danny hadn't known about Steve; hadn't been aware that he and Adam had slept together.
In the car, Danny looked across at Steve. "You okay, babe?"
Steve offered him a questioning look as he started the car. "I'm good. Well, nothing a soak in a hot tub and a few band-aids won't cure."
"I didn't mean that."
Steve knew what he had to be referring to, but decided to play dumb. He studied the road as if he didn't know it, rather than look back at Danny. "What did you mean?"
"Come on, Steve." Danny's voice was soft. "Adam... and Kono."
Steve licked his lips carefully before replying. "It was over between Adam and me months ago; you know that. He can see whoever he likes. He doesn't have to tell me..." His voice faltered and he swallowed hard before going on, "He doesn't have to tell me his movements, or who he's seeing."
Danny was uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. All Steve could hear was the beating of his heart and the low whooshing of the air passing the car as they sped along the roads of Oahu.
When Danny spoke again, his voice held the pain that Steve couldn't express. "It's gotta hurt, babe. Firstly, knowing how close you two got, and then to find out he didn't even get in touch when he came back here, and then... then Kono..."
Steve was tired, so damned tired. It had been a long day, an even longer night, and he hadn't slept in... he wasn't even sure how long; the time difference between Hawaii and Japan was screwing with his mind.
He felt like he'd had squashed all his emotions about Adam into a tiny box in the corner of his mind for months now. Catching Wo Fat had taken up a much bigger place. Now that Wo Fat was caught and Adam was on his way to jail, that tiny Adam box was growing of its own accord; Steve's churning emotions threatening to make it spill over.
Danny's gentle pity was not helping matters.
"Look, Danny," Steve finally got out, offering him a pleading look, "I'm okay. Adam and Kono..." He almost couldn't go on, but he made himself, tamping the looming explosion back down into the tiny box that had held it tightly all this time. "They have every right to see each other, and I don't figure in any way in it. And that's okay. I've moved on."
Danny nodded and said nothing further. The rest of their journey was travelled in silence, and Steve could feel Danny's bewilderment, and his retraction back into the awkward place the two of them had occupied since Danny had found out about Steve's sexuality.
At Steve's place, they both got out of the car, and Steve handed Danny the key, nodding his thanks as he collected his belongings from the trunk and stood awkwardly beside the car.
"I'll call you tomorrow," Danny said as he climbed into the driver's seat.
"You don't have to," Steve told him.
"I do," Danny said, and gunned the engine before Steve could reply again.
Steve watched the Camaro pull away from the curb, and sighed as the taillights grew smaller. He shook his head and made his way to the front door.
~//~
Some twenty minutes later, standing in the shower with his head under the spray and his eyes closed, Steve took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders out before twisting off the faucet and stepping out of the cubicle. He grabbed a towel and was tucking it around his waist when he heard the doorbell.
Frowning to himself, he pulled another towel off the rack and rubbed it across his head as he went through to his bedroom, ditching the towels on the end of the bed and pulling on a pair of sweatpants. He pulled a t-shirt from the drawer and donned it as he ran downstairs, stopping before he opened the door.
"Who is it?"
"It's me." Chin's disembodied voice sounded vaguely apologetic.
Steve opened the door, his mouth setting into a line as he imagined what had brought his friend and ex-lover here tonight of all nights, when he should be at home with his wife.
Chin looked up from under a worried brow as their eyes met. "Hey."
"Hey yourself." Steve tilted his head slightly, inviting Chin inside, and gazed over his shoulder as if checking for spies in the bushes as the man moved quietly past him. He closed the door behind himself and held out a hand to offer Chin a seat in the living room.
Chin smiled unevenly and lowered himself to the edge of the couch as Steve sat down in a chair perpendicular to it.
"Are you okay?" was the first thing Chin asked, one eyebrow raised slightly higher than the other in a worried look that Steve knew only too well.
Steve shook his head. "I've been through all this with Danny already, Chin. I'm fine."
Chin leaned forward, both hands dangling between his legs as he spoke earnestly. "But are you? I know it can't have been easy realizing that Adam and Kono are together now. I… I was surprised when I found out, especially knowing what I did about Adam, but for you… I can't even imagine how much more of a shock it was."
Studying the floor for a moment while he considered what to say, Steve took a slow breath in, and then let it out again gently, trying not to leap to anger about the over-concern both of his friends had shown him. Exactly how weak did they think he was emotionally?
"Look, Chin," Steve began at last, lifting his head to meet Chin's eyes. "Just because Adam and I had a thing once doesn't mean he can't… choose a woman this time around. I told Danny, and I'll tell you too: I've moved on. Evidently he has too, and I can…" He hesitated for a moment, licking his lips and glancing at the familiar room around them. "I can deal with it. The last thing Kono needs to find out is that the man she is seeing was once… with me. Maybe he'll tell her, and if he does…"
He frowned into Chin's eyes, seeing the compassion in their depths. "I hope he doesn't, for both of their sakes, but if he does, then she needs to know that I'm no threat to what they have now. Adam and I made no promises to each other - pretty much the reverse, in fact. So… you don't need to worry about me, okay?" He gave Chin a tight smile, rubbing at his nose with his knuckles.
Chin snorted softly and shook his head. "You act so tough, but it's only been a few months. You can't tell me that you're not hurting, Steve. I can see it. I don't know that I can help any, but I… I get what it's like. God knows, there have been times…"
"Times when what?"
Chin took a breath and heaved it out with effort, rubbing at his head. "When you and I first split… I know you like to think it was because of me connecting with Malia again, but we both know you were the one who moved away first. And I… I wondered then…" Chin stopped like he'd let too much out and wondered if he was making a mistake.
"No, go on." Steve gave him a 'gimme' motion. "What did you wonder? You can't tell me you were heart-broken when I called it off? Malia… Malia is the love of your life and you knew… We both knew what you and I had was going nowhere beyond the friendship that I still value a whole lot more than the brief interlude we had together. It was the right thing then and it still is. Don't make this out to be any different; it's not.
"Look, Adam may not be Kono's soul-mate, but they obviously have something special, and if Adam and I had that, he never would have left when he did."
Chin studied Steve's face quietly for a few moments and then nodded. "Okay. But don't keep this inside and think you have to deal with it alone, Steve. If you need someone to talk to, ever, about this or… how you're feeling - yeah, yeah, laugh that off like the tough guy you always pretend to be - just… know I'm here. Any time. I mean it."
Steve had started to smile when Chin mentioned how he was feeling, but he sobered at the next words, knowing they were heartfelt and honest. He swallowed back the protest he'd been about to reiterate and simply nodded, standing up as Chin did, and taking a step towards him.
"Thanks, brah," Steve finally got out, allowing Chin to draw him into a half-hug with a slap on the back before they parted and Chin headed for the door. "See you tomorrow at HQ."
Chin cocked a brow at him. "You're not taking a day off to catch up on sleep?"
Steve shrugged, and frowned incredulously. "Have I ever?"
Shaking his head and smiling, Chin replied, "No, so why would you start now, right?"
"Absolutely." Steve gave Chin's shoulder one last slap as he opened the door.
~//~
Part Two