So, you've decided to have a child

[hearth_spirit]

Being a brief, incomplete, and hopefully humorous guide for the non-parent to being a new parent, in a stepwise manner.

Comments

[blue_duck]

<3

[sorcycat]

I have to say vomit and spit-up are actually different. Spit up still looks like what the child ate and vomit looks and smells much worse... and there is more of it. Also, vomit actually means illness, so I hope it's really spit up.

[tatternym]

I am terrified by your very clear distinctions, which sound like experience! Eek! May I never need to define gastrointestinal pyrotechnics with such practicality!

[sorcycat]

Practically speaking :) spit up is the stuff that didn't make it all the way down, because of failed swallowing or gas bubbles. So, not so much with gastrointestinal. Practicality is what being a new parent is all about. (You want me to rub what, where? Okay, it's for him.)

[bigby]

Clarification: Spit-up refers to anything from milk/formula held in the mouth and then drooled through to similar returned to the outside by burping or reflux. Vomit comes fully from the stomach and is A: putressant and B: projectile.

The imprecise and/or impractical parent is one of two things: a liability, or a funding source for a nanny.

[kneesroverrated]

I am highly entertained by this (whilst being even more convinced that I do not want one of my own).

[hearth_spirit]

Excellent, then. The post performed its desired purpose in entertaining y'all. ;)

[bigby]

And at some point you will MISS the scatological stage..

[bigby]

If you can swing it, Izaraven liked taking showers when she was small.. ok liked may be strong. She did well with showers for getting clean and baths for play. In the ideal (for the first months) one parent gets the shower running (too cold for them is right for baby most often) and the other hands in and takes out to dry. Later once the little one has some head and neck stability you can do it one parent only as needed

[treebones]

*grin*

Once I make it past the event horizon of my little neurochemical gravity well, I will be seeing if you folks still need fed, or laundry assistance. Oh, and I has Teh Books In Case of Sudden Onset Infant Literacy.

[bigby]

Infant literacy should start with big people reading books to small squirmy things quite early on. The two biggest things are talking around and with the baby using real talking not just babytalk. ask questions and fill in the true answer.. The other (an issue not seen till a few months from now when they start being self mobile) is limit setting: I encountered some research that links early, reasonable, and clear limit setting by parents with children's ability to self regulate, their verbal and reading skills, and math reasoning. Have fun :)

[hearth_spirit]

:) Look forward to seeing you when you've found escape velocity/translated enough kinetic energy into potential energy.