In which Xaldin does not appreciate nature.
Title: Of Conception and Hearts
Author: PendragonU
Rating:
One for the MPreg which is never explained at all; one for the spontaneously-returning hearts; one for bad, bad romance that is bad; one for making the heartless scientists cry (in the fic, I mean--and when they saw it, too); one for the complete and total destruction of Vexen's character. Minus one because it's technically decent, and there's no smut--believe me, if there were, we'd be heading for Ansem territory.
Full Name (including any titles): Marluxia/XI/The Graceful Assassin; Vexen/IV/The Chilly Academic/Snowflake (Whyyyyyy?); Sesha and Shinen.
Full Species(es): Nemo (?) Amatorius Deficeror (Romantic FAILURE Nobody); Nemo (?) Amatorius Gravidus (Romantic Pregnant Nobody); Noncanonici Infantes (Noncanonical Babies).
Hair Color (include adjectives): pink (as canon); blond (as canon, and even masculine), 'pretty'.
Eye Color (include adjectives): not described (presumed as canon) ; 'blazing emerald'.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Vexen is 'pale'. Also...you know what? Out of concern for his dignity, I won't repeat the part about what he's like in bed.
Special Possessions (if any): Hearts. Also, a uterus. DO NOT WANT.
Origin: Vexen's personal hell.
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their credit cards and are using their identities.
Special Abilities: BEING PREGNANT. Also, having hearts for no apparent reason. Apparently it's catching. Oh, and Vexen is 'normally calm and collected'. Could've fooled me...
Other Annoying Traits: Crying. Gestating. Snuggling. Proposing. LOVING. Being misogynistic without actually having any female characters. Really, really pissing me off.
I Say/Notes: Um. Well. Marluxia occasionally has flashes of being in character and thrown off by the sheer WTFery. But Vexen...That...thing...has absolutely nothing in common with Vexen anymore. NOTHING. I'd say he was turned into a woman, except that if he were turned into a woman he wouldn't be like that either, and anyway that's an insult to women. This is pretty much everything I hate about badfic. Except for the grammar and spelling--I can read it just fine, but I wish I couldn't.
Part One: 'Discovery and Revelation'.
Part Two: 'Of Babies and Hearts'.
Part Three: 'The Father'.
Part Four: 'Surprise and Explanation'.
Sample:
[Scene: The sporking theatre. Currently in residence are Vexen, Xaldin, and Marluxia. Xaldin and Vexen are sullenly sipping orange juice and glaring at the screen. Marluxia is drinking tea and looking smug.]
Marluxia: You brought it on yourselves, you know.
Xaldin: *croakily* Shut up.
Marluxia: There’s no need to act angry at me. I’m not the one who decided screaming at the badfic was more important than retaining a voice.
Vexen: *frog* Shut up.
Xaldin: *gestures at screen to indicate that it’s starting again*
Marluxia: For anyone just joining us now, last chapter introduced the cast (you’re looking at it) and the story’s main plot point:…The hell with this; I’m not repeating it. If you want to know, which you don’t, you can go find out yourself and spare me the humiliation.
Vexen: Spare you? You’re practically IC! *cough*
Chapter 2
Xemnas stared at his subordinate. A fertile male? How could such a thing be?
Vexen: It can’t.
Xaldin: See also: male, definition of.
Yet Xemnas knew that Vexen wasn’t lying, there was no reason for him to do such a thing. And it was highly unlikely that he was wrong.
Marluxia: And yet, since it’s impossible for a man to become pregnant, he must be one or the other.
Xaldin: Xemnas would know that. *cough* Either Vexen is telling a lie, or he is mistaken and probably out of his mind, or he is telling the truth. The truth is absolutely impossible, and anyone can see he is not out of his mind (more than usual). Therefore, and until any other explanation presents itself, one must assume that he is lying. *storm of coughing*
Vexen: Thank you, Professor Kirke.
Vexen and Xemnas might not always see eye to eye, but the blonde was a very competent scientist.
Vexen: On the one hand, finally someone remembers. On the other hand…”the blonde”.
Xaldin: What can we say? You have a blonde soul.
Vexen: Can it, Linda.
Xaldin: *sulk*
To add to the mystery of male conception, there was the matter of regaining a heart.
Xaldin: *headwall* Don’t remind us.
Vexen: *exceptionally eloquent gesture indicating what the story can do with “the mystery of male conception”*
Marluxia: That’s not physically pos-
Vexen: Neither is it. They should get along.
If Vexen had truly regained his heart through the pregnancy, the Organization may have found a way to have hearts once more without the sacrifice of other lives.
Marluxia: In the benefits column, no sacrifice of other lives. In the costs column, severe personal discomfort and possible death. I personally would rather go on as we’ve been doing.
Xaldin: Possibly the author is la--*cough*--Fuck. *drinks Potion* Ah. Much better. As I was saying, possibly the author is laboring under the misapprehension that we would value these other lives.
Vexen: *drinks Potion likewise* At least Xemnas’s plan had a chance of working.
Marluxia: It did not.
Vexen: Yes, it did. A better chance than “get pregnant and hope”, that’s for sure!
Marluxia:…Possibly.
“Number IV, are you absolutely sure of the results of both tests? If there is any possibility of a mistake, please tell me now.” Xemnas waited with baited breath.
Xaldin: Isn’t it “bated breath”? “Baited breath” makes him sound like an anglerfish.
Vexen: Maybe this is all taking place in Atlantica.
Xaldin: This would certainly make more sense if you were a seahorse.
Vexen shook his head.
“There is no mistake. I have done the tests a hundred times over, and the results stay the same with absolutely no indication of error. I know that this is hard to believe but I would not lie to you.
Vexen: Yes, I would.
I am going to have Marluxia’s child. And I am so very…afraid…”
Xaldin: What of?
Marluxia: The very real possibility that this “child” is going to start devouring him from the inside like the parasite it is?
Xaldin: That’s disgusting.
Marluxia: You just have no appreciation for the wonders of the natural world.
Xaldin: No, no I don’t. If you want someone to appreciate the wonders of the natural world, get Lexaeus.
Vexen shivered. He was now exhausted and feeling emotionally drained.
Vexen: Because my emotions have drained out of me, leaving me a shell of my former self?
The stress of having to deal with this pregnancy combined with the hormones that came with being pregnant was wearing the icy Nobody down.
Vexen: Oh. That.
Xemnas observed Vexen closely after the man shivered. He looked exhausted and pale, like he could faint any moment.
Marluxia: Looks like somebody’s corset is too tight.
Vexen: I hope you died screaming.
“Can you hold out for a few minutes more? I want to ask Marluxia what he thinks of this occurrence.”
Marluxia: I think it’s nothing to do with me, because it’s not like I would go anywhere near him if you paid me, la-la-la-dee-dee-dah! *fingers in ears*
Xaldin: Let us know if that denial starts working out for you.
Vexen felt his jaw tighten. The fear was replaced by anger, and the exhaustion was banished by a sudden rush of adrenaline.
Xaldin: Vexen, thinking about Marluxia is bad for your blood pressure.
Vexen: Shush. I’m enjoying the only IC reaction I’m ever going to have in this story.
“I can tell you what he thinks! He wants me to get rid of it!”
Xaldin: Now there’s a thought.
Vexen: I haven’t started to show yet! It’s not too late!
Marluxia: Actually, I suggested he keep it. I was hoping it would provide some entertainment and then kill him in a messy yet satisfying way.
Vexen: No wonder I was trying to strangle you.
Xemnas looked vaguely startled at the venom in Vexen’s voice when he rejected the idea of abortion.
Marluxia: Xemnas always looks vaguely startled. I think he made that face too many times and it froze that way.
Xaldin: No comment.
He had not anticipated that the anger in Vexen’s eyes would be due to a desire to keep the child.
Vexen: And for good reason.
He had guessed that the anger at Marluxia was due to the blame assigned to him as the sire of the child.
Xaldin: *snicker*
Marluxia: What? *suspicious*
Xaldin: “Sire” makes it sound like Xemnas is a horse breeder.
Marluxia: Does that make Four the broodmare?
Vexen: I will kill you! *lunges at Marluxia*
Xaldin: *restrains* That took longer than expected.
It seemed that Vexen truly had regained his heart and wanted to keep the child. It was almost humorous that the first feelings Vexen experienced were the need to protect a child and anger. It was very ironic that the Chilly Academic was a passionate mother with strong maternal instincts.
Vexen: Change of plans. I’m going to kill this author! Kill her DEAD! And then bring her back to life so I can kill her again!! *throws icicles at screen*
Screen: *not affected*
Vexen: *Saïx* If I had a heart, this would be the part where I died of apoplexy. *eyetwitch* I am not anybody’s mother.
“You were attempting to strangle number XI because he suggested terminating the pregnancy? Is that not a little extreme?
Xaldin: *eyebrow* Has Xemnas not seen these two interact before?
It was a suggestion likely put forth in the sense of practicality. This will not be easy to deal with number IV.
Vexen: *drama* Is that all I am to you? A number?! I thought we had something special, Xemnas! I thought you cared!
Xaldin: *Xemnas* Don’t be like that, baby! You know I didn’t mean it that way!
Marluxia: Maybe he’s better suited for this “emotional woman” role than I thought…
Vexen: *long stabby icicle of death*
Xaldin: *sigh*
If you truly wish to keep the child, you must be prepared to be extremely vulnerable.
Vexen: Why?
Xaldin: You have to protect the baby. You can’t go letting the Heartless kick you in the stomach.
Vexen: Yes, because ordinarily I do let Heartless knock me around. It’s what I do for fun. Oh, wait: no.
You will have to be protected by others and you can no longer spend days in your laboratory without eating or sleeping.”
Vexen:…I eat.
Xaldin: And I quote, “Even, caffeine and granola bars are not an acceptable substitute for real food and sleep. Now go to bed before I’m forced to knock you out and carry you there myself.”
Vexen: That was a terrible imitation.
Xaldin: *shrug* You want imitations, ask Lexaeus.
Xemnas looked into Vexen’s vivid green eyes. He was looking for some doubt or some indication of hesitance.
Marluxia: *Xemnas* Ah, there it is.
He would not have the Organization slow its’
Marluxia: FAIL.
Vexen: Apostrophes do not work that way.
progress towards Kingdom Hearts if Vexen was unsure about keeping this child. The sacrifice would not be worth it if Vexen changed his mind a few months down the road and terminated the child.
Marluxia: I’m still not entirely sure what it is we would be sacrificing here. Doctor Frankenstein over there hardly ever leaves the lab, much less the castle.
Xaldin: Our peace of mind?
Marluxia: We had that?
If Vexen was sure, then Xemnas would make every effort to ensure the safety of both mother and child.
Xaldin: *eerily* Are you my mummy?
Vexen: *Doctor* Nope. No mummies here.
Xaldin: *to Marluxia, confidentially* It’s just a matter of distracting him.
When Vexen boldly met his gaze, Xemnas was a little surprised. He caught a glimpse of the long gone Even in those eyes.
Vexen: Now you leave my former self out of this!
Xaldin: He wouldn’t approve of this bullshit either.
It confirmed everything for Xemnas. There was indeed a heart, and that heart was set on having that child.
Marluxia: Maybe if you make him abort, he’ll lose his heart and get back into character.
Vexen: It’s worth a try….I just agreed with you. The world is coming to an end.
Marluxia: Good. I hope it does.
Xemnas sighed softly. The coming months were not going to be easy.
“I hope that you are prepared for an extremely hard pregnancy. You are far too slender male for bearing children.”
Marluxia: Fixed that.
Xemnas sat in a chair opposite Vexen. “I’m sure that you realize that you can no longer go out alone against the Heartless.
Vexen: 404 Error: Downside not found.
Any missions that you could possibly have will be group missions. It would be far too dangerous to have you out in the field with two hearts in a powerful body. You have become a prime target for heartless attacks.”
Marluxia: If the Heartless devour him again, will the fic stop?
Vexen: Don’t get any ideas.
Vexen swallowed audibly. He had also discovered an interesting fact about his pregnancy while running his tests.
“Superior, I also know something else of my… condition. According to certain hormone levels in my body I am carrying more than one child. I have three hearts in my body because my tests indicate twins.”
All: *facepalm*
Marluxia: Next time on “All My Nobodies”: Vexen discovers that the father of his children is not in fact Marluxia, but Marluxia’s evil twin. Meanwhile, what will happen when Zexion finds out that his brief teenage affair with Larxene resulted in a daughter-Naminé, the girl he’s about to marry?
Portal: *opens above Marluxia’s head*
Very Heavy Book: *smites*
Portal: *closes*
Marluxia: Ow.
Vexen: Is Zexion spying on-
Xaldin: Of course he is. Five munny says Xigbar’s lurking somewhere watching us suffer too.
Vexen: I’m not stupid enough to bet against that. Try Eleven.
Marluxia: *too concussed to respond*
Xemnas raised an eyebrow. That was interesting.
Xaldin: “May you live in interesting times” kind of interesting.
“So you are quite fertile or Marluxia is extremely virile. I wonder which it is…”
Vexen: Neither! *waves hands about* I cannot be fertile; I do not have ova!
Xemnas smirked at Vexen. “Perhaps once you have given birth to this set of children you should try this again; maybe make an experiment out of it.”
Marluxia: *expression of horror* No! Don’t you dare!
Vexen: Why would I?
Marluxia: You’re absolutely positive that phrasing it as an experiment would not make you forget its inherent idiocy?
Vexen: Yes!!
Vexen’s eyes widened comically. He had not considered the future beyond having his children.
Xaldin: He hasn’t considered the future up to having his children, either, or he’d be a lot more terrified.
Marluxia: I’m still thinking of those wasps which lay their eggs in caterpillars. When the eggs hatch, the caterpillar is the babies’ first lunch.
Vexen: *grimace* Charming mental image.
Marluxia: Well, I thought so.
While the thought of the children in his belly brought him joy,
Vexen: WHY?!!
the thought of repeating the labor process more than once was not a prospect that the scientist relished. The involvement of Marluxia in his life again was also not something he wanted to contemplate.
Marluxia: And vice versa, let me assure you.
This brought Vexen to an uncomfortable place in his train of thought. Would the twins need their father, and what would happen if only one parent had the ability to love them?
Marluxia: One-they better not; Two-ask any single parent.
Would he need to make peace with the arrogant Neophyte for the sake of his children?
Xaldin: Hear that, you two? You better stop fighting. Think of the children!
Vexen & Marluxia: NO!
Vexen didn’t know. He supposed that the whole mess might have been so much easier if both of the Nobodies involved in the conception had regained their hearts. He was puzzled at the sadness in his heart at the thought of Marluxia’s’ inability to love.
Vexen: “Puzzled” is exactly the word, for once.
Marluxia: I wish I were puzzled. Instead, I can see exactly where this is going.
Xaldin: Twu Wub?
Marluxia: By express mail.
“Superior, I have a request to make concerning Marluxia.” Vexen looked at his boots. ”I don’t want him interfering with my prenatal cycle.
Xaldin: A bit late for that, isn’t it?
Vexen: *smack*
Xaldin: I’m just mentioning it!
If he expresses a continued desire to have my pregnancy terminated, I want him to stay away from me.
Vexen: Actually, I mostly just want him to stay away from me, full stop.
He will not be welcome in my presence if he wishes to harm my children.
Marluxia: If I was “welcome” in Vexen’s presence before this, I would hate to see what “unwelcome” would look like.
Vexen looked back up and into Xemnas’s eyes. “If he tries to hurt myself or my children me, I will kill him.”
Vexen: It’s fixed now.
Marluxia: You only wish. *edits*
“If he tries to hurt myself or my children me, I will try and fail pathetically to kill him.”
Vexen: Now who’s the one indulging in wishful thinking?
Marluxia: You. I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back.
Vexen: You actually believe that I would stoop to physical violence to get rid of you?
Marluxia: In a word: yes.
Xaldin: Not likely. I remember once, back in Radiant Garden, Even-never mind; I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise.
Marluxia: Note to self: test (possibly on Axel) all food and drink for poison before consuming.
Xaldin: If you think that will save you, feel free.
Marluxia: *suspicious* What is he planning?
Vexen: Me? I thought I was too “pathetic” for you to worry about, Eleven. By the way, I know where you sleep.
Marluxia: What’s that supposed to mean?
Xaldin: *reading an academic periodical* You should really be glad that Lexaeus isn’t the one out for your blood. He went through this phase where…actually, maybe that’s why we haven’t seen Axel in a while.
Vexen: If it is, I owe him one.
Xaldin: Apparently, my contract only requires me to sit through two chapters of this dreck. I’ll see you around.
Marluxia: Not if I see you first.
Xaldin: *portals out*
Marluxia: All right, what are you plotting against me this time?
Vexen: *smirking* Oh, you’ll find out in good time.
To be continued…
Author: PendragonU
Rating:
One for the MPreg which is never explained at all; one for the spontaneously-returning hearts; one for bad, bad romance that is bad; one for making the heartless scientists cry (in the fic, I mean--and when they saw it, too); one for the complete and total destruction of Vexen's character. Minus one because it's technically decent, and there's no smut--believe me, if there were, we'd be heading for Ansem territory.
Full Name (including any titles): Marluxia/XI/The Graceful Assassin; Vexen/IV/The Chilly Academic/Snowflake (Whyyyyyy?); Sesha and Shinen.
Full Species(es): Nemo (?) Amatorius Deficeror (Romantic FAILURE Nobody); Nemo (?) Amatorius Gravidus (Romantic Pregnant Nobody); Noncanonici Infantes (Noncanonical Babies).
Hair Color (include adjectives): pink (as canon); blond (as canon, and even masculine), 'pretty'.
Eye Color (include adjectives): not described (presumed as canon) ; 'blazing emerald'.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Vexen is 'pale'. Also...you know what? Out of concern for his dignity, I won't repeat the part about what he's like in bed.
Special Possessions (if any): Hearts. Also, a uterus. DO NOT WANT.
Origin: Vexen's personal hell.
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their credit cards and are using their identities.
Special Abilities: BEING PREGNANT. Also, having hearts for no apparent reason. Apparently it's catching. Oh, and Vexen is 'normally calm and collected'. Could've fooled me...
Other Annoying Traits: Crying. Gestating. Snuggling. Proposing. LOVING. Being misogynistic without actually having any female characters. Really, really pissing me off.
I Say/Notes: Um. Well. Marluxia occasionally has flashes of being in character and thrown off by the sheer WTFery. But Vexen...That...thing...has absolutely nothing in common with Vexen anymore. NOTHING. I'd say he was turned into a woman, except that if he were turned into a woman he wouldn't be like that either, and anyway that's an insult to women. This is pretty much everything I hate about badfic. Except for the grammar and spelling--I can read it just fine, but I wish I couldn't.
Part One: 'Discovery and Revelation'.
Part Two: 'Of Babies and Hearts'.
Part Three: 'The Father'.
Part Four: 'Surprise and Explanation'.
Sample:
[Scene: The sporking theatre. Currently in residence are Vexen, Xaldin, and Marluxia. Xaldin and Vexen are sullenly sipping orange juice and glaring at the screen. Marluxia is drinking tea and looking smug.]
Marluxia: You brought it on yourselves, you know.
Xaldin: *croakily* Shut up.
Marluxia: There’s no need to act angry at me. I’m not the one who decided screaming at the badfic was more important than retaining a voice.
Vexen: *frog* Shut up.
Xaldin: *gestures at screen to indicate that it’s starting again*
Marluxia: For anyone just joining us now, last chapter introduced the cast (you’re looking at it) and the story’s main plot point:…The hell with this; I’m not repeating it. If you want to know, which you don’t, you can go find out yourself and spare me the humiliation.
Vexen: Spare you? You’re practically IC! *cough*
Chapter 2
Xemnas stared at his subordinate. A fertile male? How could such a thing be?
Vexen: It can’t.
Xaldin: See also: male, definition of.
Yet Xemnas knew that Vexen wasn’t lying, there was no reason for him to do such a thing. And it was highly unlikely that he was wrong.
Marluxia: And yet, since it’s impossible for a man to become pregnant, he must be one or the other.
Xaldin: Xemnas would know that. *cough* Either Vexen is telling a lie, or he is mistaken and probably out of his mind, or he is telling the truth. The truth is absolutely impossible, and anyone can see he is not out of his mind (more than usual). Therefore, and until any other explanation presents itself, one must assume that he is lying. *storm of coughing*
Vexen: Thank you, Professor Kirke.
Vexen and Xemnas might not always see eye to eye, but the blonde was a very competent scientist.
Vexen: On the one hand, finally someone remembers. On the other hand…”the blonde”.
Xaldin: What can we say? You have a blonde soul.
Vexen: Can it, Linda.
Xaldin: *sulk*
To add to the mystery of male conception, there was the matter of regaining a heart.
Xaldin: *headwall* Don’t remind us.
Vexen: *exceptionally eloquent gesture indicating what the story can do with “the mystery of male conception”*
Marluxia: That’s not physically pos-
Vexen: Neither is it. They should get along.
If Vexen had truly regained his heart through the pregnancy, the Organization may have found a way to have hearts once more without the sacrifice of other lives.
Marluxia: In the benefits column, no sacrifice of other lives. In the costs column, severe personal discomfort and possible death. I personally would rather go on as we’ve been doing.
Xaldin: Possibly the author is la--*cough*--Fuck. *drinks Potion* Ah. Much better. As I was saying, possibly the author is laboring under the misapprehension that we would value these other lives.
Vexen: *drinks Potion likewise* At least Xemnas’s plan had a chance of working.
Marluxia: It did not.
Vexen: Yes, it did. A better chance than “get pregnant and hope”, that’s for sure!
Marluxia:…Possibly.
“Number IV, are you absolutely sure of the results of both tests? If there is any possibility of a mistake, please tell me now.” Xemnas waited with baited breath.
Xaldin: Isn’t it “bated breath”? “Baited breath” makes him sound like an anglerfish.
Vexen: Maybe this is all taking place in Atlantica.
Xaldin: This would certainly make more sense if you were a seahorse.
Vexen shook his head.
“There is no mistake. I have done the tests a hundred times over, and the results stay the same with absolutely no indication of error. I know that this is hard to believe but I would not lie to you.
Vexen: Yes, I would.
I am going to have Marluxia’s child. And I am so very…afraid…”
Xaldin: What of?
Marluxia: The very real possibility that this “child” is going to start devouring him from the inside like the parasite it is?
Xaldin: That’s disgusting.
Marluxia: You just have no appreciation for the wonders of the natural world.
Xaldin: No, no I don’t. If you want someone to appreciate the wonders of the natural world, get Lexaeus.
Vexen shivered. He was now exhausted and feeling emotionally drained.
Vexen: Because my emotions have drained out of me, leaving me a shell of my former self?
The stress of having to deal with this pregnancy combined with the hormones that came with being pregnant was wearing the icy Nobody down.
Vexen: Oh. That.
Xemnas observed Vexen closely after the man shivered. He looked exhausted and pale, like he could faint any moment.
Marluxia: Looks like somebody’s corset is too tight.
Vexen: I hope you died screaming.
“Can you hold out for a few minutes more? I want to ask Marluxia what he thinks of this occurrence.”
Marluxia: I think it’s nothing to do with me, because it’s not like I would go anywhere near him if you paid me, la-la-la-dee-dee-dah! *fingers in ears*
Xaldin: Let us know if that denial starts working out for you.
Vexen felt his jaw tighten. The fear was replaced by anger, and the exhaustion was banished by a sudden rush of adrenaline.
Xaldin: Vexen, thinking about Marluxia is bad for your blood pressure.
Vexen: Shush. I’m enjoying the only IC reaction I’m ever going to have in this story.
“I can tell you what he thinks! He wants me to get rid of it!”
Xaldin: Now there’s a thought.
Vexen: I haven’t started to show yet! It’s not too late!
Marluxia: Actually, I suggested he keep it. I was hoping it would provide some entertainment and then kill him in a messy yet satisfying way.
Vexen: No wonder I was trying to strangle you.
Xemnas looked vaguely startled at the venom in Vexen’s voice when he rejected the idea of abortion.
Marluxia: Xemnas always looks vaguely startled. I think he made that face too many times and it froze that way.
Xaldin: No comment.
He had not anticipated that the anger in Vexen’s eyes would be due to a desire to keep the child.
Vexen: And for good reason.
He had guessed that the anger at Marluxia was due to the blame assigned to him as the sire of the child.
Xaldin: *snicker*
Marluxia: What? *suspicious*
Xaldin: “Sire” makes it sound like Xemnas is a horse breeder.
Marluxia: Does that make Four the broodmare?
Vexen: I will kill you! *lunges at Marluxia*
Xaldin: *restrains* That took longer than expected.
It seemed that Vexen truly had regained his heart and wanted to keep the child. It was almost humorous that the first feelings Vexen experienced were the need to protect a child and anger. It was very ironic that the Chilly Academic was a passionate mother with strong maternal instincts.
Vexen: Change of plans. I’m going to kill this author! Kill her DEAD! And then bring her back to life so I can kill her again!! *throws icicles at screen*
Screen: *not affected*
Vexen: *Saïx* If I had a heart, this would be the part where I died of apoplexy. *eyetwitch* I am not anybody’s mother.
“You were attempting to strangle number XI because he suggested terminating the pregnancy? Is that not a little extreme?
Xaldin: *eyebrow* Has Xemnas not seen these two interact before?
It was a suggestion likely put forth in the sense of practicality. This will not be easy to deal with number IV.
Vexen: *drama* Is that all I am to you? A number?! I thought we had something special, Xemnas! I thought you cared!
Xaldin: *Xemnas* Don’t be like that, baby! You know I didn’t mean it that way!
Marluxia: Maybe he’s better suited for this “emotional woman” role than I thought…
Vexen: *long stabby icicle of death*
Xaldin: *sigh*
If you truly wish to keep the child, you must be prepared to be extremely vulnerable.
Vexen: Why?
Xaldin: You have to protect the baby. You can’t go letting the Heartless kick you in the stomach.
Vexen: Yes, because ordinarily I do let Heartless knock me around. It’s what I do for fun. Oh, wait: no.
You will have to be protected by others and you can no longer spend days in your laboratory without eating or sleeping.”
Vexen:…I eat.
Xaldin: And I quote, “Even, caffeine and granola bars are not an acceptable substitute for real food and sleep. Now go to bed before I’m forced to knock you out and carry you there myself.”
Vexen: That was a terrible imitation.
Xaldin: *shrug* You want imitations, ask Lexaeus.
Xemnas looked into Vexen’s vivid green eyes. He was looking for some doubt or some indication of hesitance.
Marluxia: *Xemnas* Ah, there it is.
He would not have the Organization slow its’
Marluxia: FAIL.
Vexen: Apostrophes do not work that way.
progress towards Kingdom Hearts if Vexen was unsure about keeping this child. The sacrifice would not be worth it if Vexen changed his mind a few months down the road and terminated the child.
Marluxia: I’m still not entirely sure what it is we would be sacrificing here. Doctor Frankenstein over there hardly ever leaves the lab, much less the castle.
Xaldin: Our peace of mind?
Marluxia: We had that?
If Vexen was sure, then Xemnas would make every effort to ensure the safety of both mother and child.
Xaldin: *eerily* Are you my mummy?
Vexen: *Doctor* Nope. No mummies here.
Xaldin: *to Marluxia, confidentially* It’s just a matter of distracting him.
When Vexen boldly met his gaze, Xemnas was a little surprised. He caught a glimpse of the long gone Even in those eyes.
Vexen: Now you leave my former self out of this!
Xaldin: He wouldn’t approve of this bullshit either.
It confirmed everything for Xemnas. There was indeed a heart, and that heart was set on having that child.
Marluxia: Maybe if you make him abort, he’ll lose his heart and get back into character.
Vexen: It’s worth a try….I just agreed with you. The world is coming to an end.
Marluxia: Good. I hope it does.
Xemnas sighed softly. The coming months were not going to be easy.
“I hope that you are prepared for an extremely hard pregnancy. You are far too slender male for bearing children.”
Marluxia: Fixed that.
Xemnas sat in a chair opposite Vexen. “I’m sure that you realize that you can no longer go out alone against the Heartless.
Vexen: 404 Error: Downside not found.
Any missions that you could possibly have will be group missions. It would be far too dangerous to have you out in the field with two hearts in a powerful body. You have become a prime target for heartless attacks.”
Marluxia: If the Heartless devour him again, will the fic stop?
Vexen: Don’t get any ideas.
Vexen swallowed audibly. He had also discovered an interesting fact about his pregnancy while running his tests.
“Superior, I also know something else of my… condition. According to certain hormone levels in my body I am carrying more than one child. I have three hearts in my body because my tests indicate twins.”
All: *facepalm*
Marluxia: Next time on “All My Nobodies”: Vexen discovers that the father of his children is not in fact Marluxia, but Marluxia’s evil twin. Meanwhile, what will happen when Zexion finds out that his brief teenage affair with Larxene resulted in a daughter-Naminé, the girl he’s about to marry?
Portal: *opens above Marluxia’s head*
Very Heavy Book: *smites*
Portal: *closes*
Marluxia: Ow.
Vexen: Is Zexion spying on-
Xaldin: Of course he is. Five munny says Xigbar’s lurking somewhere watching us suffer too.
Vexen: I’m not stupid enough to bet against that. Try Eleven.
Marluxia: *too concussed to respond*
Xemnas raised an eyebrow. That was interesting.
Xaldin: “May you live in interesting times” kind of interesting.
“So you are quite fertile or Marluxia is extremely virile. I wonder which it is…”
Vexen: Neither! *waves hands about* I cannot be fertile; I do not have ova!
Xemnas smirked at Vexen. “Perhaps once you have given birth to this set of children you should try this again; maybe make an experiment out of it.”
Marluxia: *expression of horror* No! Don’t you dare!
Vexen: Why would I?
Marluxia: You’re absolutely positive that phrasing it as an experiment would not make you forget its inherent idiocy?
Vexen: Yes!!
Vexen’s eyes widened comically. He had not considered the future beyond having his children.
Xaldin: He hasn’t considered the future up to having his children, either, or he’d be a lot more terrified.
Marluxia: I’m still thinking of those wasps which lay their eggs in caterpillars. When the eggs hatch, the caterpillar is the babies’ first lunch.
Vexen: *grimace* Charming mental image.
Marluxia: Well, I thought so.
While the thought of the children in his belly brought him joy,
Vexen: WHY?!!
the thought of repeating the labor process more than once was not a prospect that the scientist relished. The involvement of Marluxia in his life again was also not something he wanted to contemplate.
Marluxia: And vice versa, let me assure you.
This brought Vexen to an uncomfortable place in his train of thought. Would the twins need their father, and what would happen if only one parent had the ability to love them?
Marluxia: One-they better not; Two-ask any single parent.
Would he need to make peace with the arrogant Neophyte for the sake of his children?
Xaldin: Hear that, you two? You better stop fighting. Think of the children!
Vexen & Marluxia: NO!
Vexen didn’t know. He supposed that the whole mess might have been so much easier if both of the Nobodies involved in the conception had regained their hearts. He was puzzled at the sadness in his heart at the thought of Marluxia’s’ inability to love.
Vexen: “Puzzled” is exactly the word, for once.
Marluxia: I wish I were puzzled. Instead, I can see exactly where this is going.
Xaldin: Twu Wub?
Marluxia: By express mail.
“Superior, I have a request to make concerning Marluxia.” Vexen looked at his boots. ”I don’t want him interfering with my prenatal cycle.
Xaldin: A bit late for that, isn’t it?
Vexen: *smack*
Xaldin: I’m just mentioning it!
If he expresses a continued desire to have my pregnancy terminated, I want him to stay away from me.
Vexen: Actually, I mostly just want him to stay away from me, full stop.
He will not be welcome in my presence if he wishes to harm my children.
Marluxia: If I was “welcome” in Vexen’s presence before this, I would hate to see what “unwelcome” would look like.
Vexen looked back up and into Xemnas’s eyes. “If he tries to hurt myself or my children me, I will kill him.”
Vexen: It’s fixed now.
Marluxia: You only wish. *edits*
“If he tries to hurt myself or my children me, I will try and fail pathetically to kill him.”
Vexen: Now who’s the one indulging in wishful thinking?
Marluxia: You. I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back.
Vexen: You actually believe that I would stoop to physical violence to get rid of you?
Marluxia: In a word: yes.
Xaldin: Not likely. I remember once, back in Radiant Garden, Even-never mind; I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise.
Marluxia: Note to self: test (possibly on Axel) all food and drink for poison before consuming.
Xaldin: If you think that will save you, feel free.
Marluxia: *suspicious* What is he planning?
Vexen: Me? I thought I was too “pathetic” for you to worry about, Eleven. By the way, I know where you sleep.
Marluxia: What’s that supposed to mean?
Xaldin: *reading an academic periodical* You should really be glad that Lexaeus isn’t the one out for your blood. He went through this phase where…actually, maybe that’s why we haven’t seen Axel in a while.
Vexen: If it is, I owe him one.
Xaldin: Apparently, my contract only requires me to sit through two chapters of this dreck. I’ll see you around.
Marluxia: Not if I see you first.
Xaldin: *portals out*
Marluxia: All right, what are you plotting against me this time?
Vexen: *smirking* Oh, you’ll find out in good time.
To be continued…