In which I abuse polysyllables.
Rating: 
One for the MPreg which is never explained at all; one for the spontaneously-returning hearts; one for bad, bad romance that is bad; one for making the heartless scientists cry (in the fic, I mean--and when they saw it, too); one for the complete and total destruction of Vexen's character. Minus one because it's technically decent, and there's no smut--believe me, if there were, we'd be heading for Ansem territory.
Full Name (including any titles): Marluxia/XI/The Graceful Assassin; Vexen/IV/The Chilly Academic/Snowflake (Whyyyyyy?); Sesha and Shinen.
Full Species(es): Nemo (?) Amatorius Deficeror (Romantic FAILURE Nobody); Nemo (?) Amatorius Gravidus (Romantic Pregnant Nobody); Noncanonici Infantes (Noncanonical Babies).
Hair Color (include adjectives): pink (as canon); blond (as canon, and even masculine), 'pretty'.
Eye Color (include adjectives): not described (presumed as canon) ; 'blazing emerald'.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Vexen is 'pale'. Also...you know what? Out of concern for his dignity, I won't repeat the part about what he's like in bed.
Special Possessions (if any): Hearts. Also, a uterus. DO NOT WANT.
Origin: Vexen's personal hell.
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their credit cards and are using their identities.
Special Abilities: BEING PREGNANT. Also, having hearts for no apparent reason. Apparently it's catching. Oh, and Vexen is 'normally calm and collected'. Could've fooled me...
Other Annoying Traits: Crying. Gestating. Snuggling. Proposing. LOVING. Being misogynistic without actually having any female characters. Really, really pissing me off.
I Say/Notes: Um. Well. Marluxia occasionally has flashes of being in character and thrown off by the sheer WTFery. But Vexen...That...thing...has absolutely nothing in common with Vexen anymore. NOTHING. I'd say he was turned into a woman, except that if he were turned into a woman he wouldn't be like that either, and anyway that's an insult to women. This is pretty much everything I hate about badfic. Except for the grammar and spelling--I can read it just fine, but I wish I couldn't.
Part One: 'Discovery and Revelation'.
Part Two: 'Of Babies and Hearts'.
Part Three: 'The Father'.
Part Four: 'Surprise and Explanation'.
Part Five: 'How Do You Know!'.
Sample:
[Scene: The sporking theater. Vexen and Marluxia have been left in it alone. Fortunately for the structural integrity of the building, this has not been the case for very long, and they’re still at the “pretend to ignore each other” stage.]
Vexen: *cracks first* You don’t suppose we’re going to be stuck here together for the rest of the fic?
Marluxia: Not even the Ironic Overpower would be so cruel. …No, surely not.
Vexen: Well, now that you’ve drawn its attention-! Would you like to make an optimistic prediction while you’re at it? Again?
Marluxia: What’s that supposed to mean?
Vexen: You know perfectly well what it means! It means that you said ‘How bad could it possibly be?’ back when this whole thing started! It’s absolutely your fault.
Marluxia: My fault?
Vexen: Are you deaf? Your fault!
[Of course it was too good to last. Before they get to the violent portion of our evening, a portal appears.]
Xemnas: Four? Eleven? I would not have expected to find the pair of you together.
Vexen: It’s not like that!
Xemnas: What is it unlike exactly?
Vexen: *facepalms* Oh, gods above, the badfic’s infecting my mind…
Marluxia: What he means, as far as I can surmise, is that neither of us are here of our own free will. We’ve been trapped here for two chapters now.
Xemnas: Would either of you care to provide an explanation for my appearance at this most inconvenient of times? I was contemplating the glory of Kingdom Hearts when I found myself here, as though I had no more control over my location than the smallest of inanimate objects upon the earth.
Vexen: *shrugs* Xaldin just left. Maybe you’re his replacement.
Xemnas: And what is the nature of the narrative in the destruction of which I am replacing him?
Vexen:…Maybe it’s best if you just see for yourself.
The Father
Marluxia: --Son, and Holy Ghost do not approve of this bullshit.
Marluxia was pacing in his bedroom. He was sure that by now the Superior was aware of exactly what had caused the fight between himself and Vexen.
Xemnas: Not precisely. Enlighten me.
Vexen: *beats Marluxia to the explanation* He’s a filthy, power-grubbing traitor.
Marluxia: You’re the one who tried to clue the Keybrat in on our plan.
Vexen: You mean your plan. You were using the plan to betray us, so by attempting to derail the plan, I was in fact acting out of loyalty. QED.
Marluxia: Yeah, well-you started it!
Xemnas: *sighs* It remains, unfortunately, a mystery to me why the darkness stole from our brains the chemicals necessary to feel true emotion but left behind those which cause headaches.
The pink haired botanist halted his steps a moment and stared into space.
Vexen: *Xigbar* Dude, stop staring at me!
How on earth could Vexen have conceived?
Xemnas: Conceived…what? An idea?
Marluxia: Um…no. Actually…what they’re claiming happened-but completely didn’t-was…how should I put this?
Vexen: *deadpan* Help, I’m trapped in a bad mpreg.
Xemnas: *0.0*
It wasn’t like Vexen was a hermaphrodite with latent female reproductive organs. He was a male plain and simple.
Xemnas: But then, surely, he would be unable to conceive a child, having neither egg cells nor womb nor any way of sperm coming into contact with either of the above should he have them.
Vexen: Oh, didn’t we mention, Superior? They’re doing unspeakable things to biology. It’s causing physical pain.
Xemnas: Really?
Vexen: It hurts the place where my heart used to be. Although maybe that’s from the fact that they’re claiming I’ve spontaneously regained my heart because of some pseudo-romantic claptrap.
Xemnas: *stunned* But-Kingdom Hearts, our goal and driving force, the only means by which we can become complete?
Marluxia: Haven’t seen so much as its footsteps in the snow.
A smirk graced the Neophytes lips. Well, at least he could say that his seed was potent enough to impregnate a male and it wouldn’t be an idle boast. Now… what to do with said pregnant male.
Marluxia: The words ‘abortion’, ‘murder’, and ‘shallow grave’ spring to mind.
The suggestion of getting rid of the children had not been met with the kind of reaction Marluxia expected; his neck was still sore from the outcome.
Marluxia: Somebody should do something about that poor semicolon. It deserves better than this fic.
Xemnas: It strikes me through the veil of memory that the most preferable choice for a romantic partner would decidedly not be an individual who would react to an undesired suggestion with attempted strangulation.
Vexen: We’re in a badfic. All relationships are healthy by authorial decree.
The Neophyte supposed that Vexen was intent on keeping the child, and that was why his idea had been discarded with such vehemence.
Vexen: Either that or I just don’t like you and would reject all your suggestions out of hand.
Xemnas: Vexen, we have discussed this repeatedly. There are a sufficiency of Dusks on which to experiment. It is not actually required to grow your own test subjects.
Marluxia frowned slightly and resumed pacing. It was puzzling. Why would someone without a heart want to raise a child?
Marluxia: You say ‘raise’, I hear ‘dissect’.
What possible benefit was there for the blonde scientist?
Vexen: Let me see…physical discomfort for months, culminating in probable death due to lack of a birth canal…That would be a straightforward ‘none’.
Why had he looked so hurt before rage set in?
Xemnas: Why is this night different from all other nights? On all other nights we eat bread-oh, my apologies. I seem to have turned two pages at once.
All of those questions were quite important to Marluxia because they represented something that all of the Nobodies were obsessed with; emotion.
Marluxia: The colon got run over by a semi.
Vexen: Why do I hear that to the tune of ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’?
Marluxia: Don’t be-aaargh, now I hear it too! You bastard, if I hadn’t been pretending to hate you before, I would be now!
Xemnas: To what does this refer?
Marluxia: A particularly kitschy Christmas song.
Speakers: *begin playing said song*
Xemnas: That is truly a foul excrescence upon the world of music. The sound is reminiscent of a mosquito’s buzz.
It seemed like Vexen actually felt the emotions that had flitted across his face, like he was actually hurt by the thought of an abortion.
Marluxia: It always seems like we feel, but we still don’t.
Marluxia sighed quietly. He would have been better off if he had stayed out of Vexen’s bed.
Vexen: You would’ve been better off?!
Xemnas: That was perhaps more insight into your personal lives than I truly wished. I never would have thought it of either of you.
Marluxia & Vexen: *falling over themselves to protest*
“Sooooo, what’s goin’ on between you and our resident skinny blonde?
Marluxia: Which one? They’re all skinny.
Xemnas: As tragic as it is to admit, this story would become infinitely more plausible if the blonde in question were Larxene.
Marluxia: For one thing, I don’t actively despise her.
It almost looked like a lovers spat.” Marluxia stopped pacing to look at the speaker in his doorway.
Speaker in (well, over) the doorway: *continues playing music*
Marluxia: That was not what I meant.
There stood the ever agitating Axle, and behind him stood Roxas.
Vexen: *ksnert* I almost wish he were here, if only to see his face.
Marluxia: *Axel* How can they get my name wrong? It’s four freakin’ letters, and I spell it for them, for cryin’ out loud!
Xemnas: That would presume that the individual writing this story has ever played Chain of Memories, which events attest is not the case in any particular.
Wonderful. Now he was going to be interrogated by two of the most annoying members of the Organization. All he needed was for Demyx to show-
“You know, Marluxia, it isn’t very nice to take advantage of people with low self esteem.”-up.
Xemnas: I fail to see the relevance of this statement.
Vexen: Well, obviously he took advantage of me, because it’s not like I’m capable of making a refusal absolutely clear, and gods forbid the uke actually want sex! *pause* I just defended possibly sleeping with Marluxia of my own free will. Kill me now.
Marluxia: Gladly. *produces scythe*
Xemnas: Eleven, put that away, or I will take the opportunity to investigate these reports of sedition in great detail.
Marluxia: *puts it away*
“I didn’t take advantage of Number IV. He was perfectly willing to be in my bed. We sought physical release from one another, just as others do.”
Vexen: This is actually the least uncanonical thing anyone’s said all fic. *bangs head against armrest*
Xemnas: I question your standards of ‘canonical’.
Vexen: ‘Not involving feelings’.
Xemnas: Ah. Proceed.
Marluxia glared at the three youths. “Not that what I do is of any concern to you three.”
Marluxia: Wow, I seem to be batting at least five hundred here.
Vexen: See how you like being the only person marginally IC while everyone else ignores you.
Marluxia: Are you still on about that?
Vexen: What made you think I forget these things easily?
Xemnas: The remnants of recollections of emotion cause a part of my soul to shrink from asking what it is you speak, but as neither memory nor emotion have power over me, I will nevertheless request elucidation.
Marluxia:…What?
Vexen: It was a badfic. You really don’t want to know more.
Marluxia turned away from the Nobodies in his doorway. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must order my thoughts before I see the Superior.” A Portal opened and Xemnas stepped through it.
Xemnas: It seems that this time will not be vouchsafed to you.
“I hope that you can put you thoughts in order quickly XI, because I want an explanation from you.”
Xemnas: Several, as a matter of fact. But first-will somebody turn that blasted music off?!
Marluxia: With pleasure. *kills speaker with thorny death*
Music: *so turned off, it won’t be in the mood ever again*
Xemnas: Now. Reports have reached me that you were the responsible party in the Castle Oblivion debacle, which became so solely because you were more engaged in spearheading an attempt at a coup. Truly this was a foolish action, to seek to be the greatest nothingness within the void-
Vexen: *snickers* No, it’s nothing. Carry on.
Xemnas: *does, at length* *some time later* …And so it has been given to me, it seems, to find an appropriate punishment for these transgressions.
Vexen: You don’t have to, actually. It’s already in progress.
Xemnas: ‘Anticipating my order’?
Vexen: That was Xigbar. I was just interested in revenge on my own account.
Xemnas: Well, then, feel free to do as you will, so long as it causes no excessive quantity of collateral damage.
Vexen: It won’t. *smirk*
To be continued…
One for the MPreg which is never explained at all; one for the spontaneously-returning hearts; one for bad, bad romance that is bad; one for making the heartless scientists cry (in the fic, I mean--and when they saw it, too); one for the complete and total destruction of Vexen's character. Minus one because it's technically decent, and there's no smut--believe me, if there were, we'd be heading for Ansem territory.
Full Name (including any titles): Marluxia/XI/The Graceful Assassin; Vexen/IV/The Chilly Academic/Snowflake (Whyyyyyy?); Sesha and Shinen.
Full Species(es): Nemo (?) Amatorius Deficeror (Romantic FAILURE Nobody); Nemo (?) Amatorius Gravidus (Romantic Pregnant Nobody); Noncanonici Infantes (Noncanonical Babies).
Hair Color (include adjectives): pink (as canon); blond (as canon, and even masculine), 'pretty'.
Eye Color (include adjectives): not described (presumed as canon) ; 'blazing emerald'.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Vexen is 'pale'. Also...you know what? Out of concern for his dignity, I won't repeat the part about what he's like in bed.
Special Possessions (if any): Hearts. Also, a uterus. DO NOT WANT.
Origin: Vexen's personal hell.
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their credit cards and are using their identities.
Special Abilities: BEING PREGNANT. Also, having hearts for no apparent reason. Apparently it's catching. Oh, and Vexen is 'normally calm and collected'. Could've fooled me...
Other Annoying Traits: Crying. Gestating. Snuggling. Proposing. LOVING. Being misogynistic without actually having any female characters. Really, really pissing me off.
I Say/Notes: Um. Well. Marluxia occasionally has flashes of being in character and thrown off by the sheer WTFery. But Vexen...That...thing...has absolutely nothing in common with Vexen anymore. NOTHING. I'd say he was turned into a woman, except that if he were turned into a woman he wouldn't be like that either, and anyway that's an insult to women. This is pretty much everything I hate about badfic. Except for the grammar and spelling--I can read it just fine, but I wish I couldn't.
Part One: 'Discovery and Revelation'.
Part Two: 'Of Babies and Hearts'.
Part Three: 'The Father'.
Part Four: 'Surprise and Explanation'.
Part Five: 'How Do You Know!'.
Sample:
[Scene: The sporking theater. Vexen and Marluxia have been left in it alone. Fortunately for the structural integrity of the building, this has not been the case for very long, and they’re still at the “pretend to ignore each other” stage.]
Vexen: *cracks first* You don’t suppose we’re going to be stuck here together for the rest of the fic?
Marluxia: Not even the Ironic Overpower would be so cruel. …No, surely not.
Vexen: Well, now that you’ve drawn its attention-! Would you like to make an optimistic prediction while you’re at it? Again?
Marluxia: What’s that supposed to mean?
Vexen: You know perfectly well what it means! It means that you said ‘How bad could it possibly be?’ back when this whole thing started! It’s absolutely your fault.
Marluxia: My fault?
Vexen: Are you deaf? Your fault!
[Of course it was too good to last. Before they get to the violent portion of our evening, a portal appears.]
Xemnas: Four? Eleven? I would not have expected to find the pair of you together.
Vexen: It’s not like that!
Xemnas: What is it unlike exactly?
Vexen: *facepalms* Oh, gods above, the badfic’s infecting my mind…
Marluxia: What he means, as far as I can surmise, is that neither of us are here of our own free will. We’ve been trapped here for two chapters now.
Xemnas: Would either of you care to provide an explanation for my appearance at this most inconvenient of times? I was contemplating the glory of Kingdom Hearts when I found myself here, as though I had no more control over my location than the smallest of inanimate objects upon the earth.
Vexen: *shrugs* Xaldin just left. Maybe you’re his replacement.
Xemnas: And what is the nature of the narrative in the destruction of which I am replacing him?
Vexen:…Maybe it’s best if you just see for yourself.
The Father
Marluxia: --Son, and Holy Ghost do not approve of this bullshit.
Marluxia was pacing in his bedroom. He was sure that by now the Superior was aware of exactly what had caused the fight between himself and Vexen.
Xemnas: Not precisely. Enlighten me.
Vexen: *beats Marluxia to the explanation* He’s a filthy, power-grubbing traitor.
Marluxia: You’re the one who tried to clue the Keybrat in on our plan.
Vexen: You mean your plan. You were using the plan to betray us, so by attempting to derail the plan, I was in fact acting out of loyalty. QED.
Marluxia: Yeah, well-you started it!
Xemnas: *sighs* It remains, unfortunately, a mystery to me why the darkness stole from our brains the chemicals necessary to feel true emotion but left behind those which cause headaches.
The pink haired botanist halted his steps a moment and stared into space.
Vexen: *Xigbar* Dude, stop staring at me!
How on earth could Vexen have conceived?
Xemnas: Conceived…what? An idea?
Marluxia: Um…no. Actually…what they’re claiming happened-but completely didn’t-was…how should I put this?
Vexen: *deadpan* Help, I’m trapped in a bad mpreg.
Xemnas: *0.0*
It wasn’t like Vexen was a hermaphrodite with latent female reproductive organs. He was a male plain and simple.
Xemnas: But then, surely, he would be unable to conceive a child, having neither egg cells nor womb nor any way of sperm coming into contact with either of the above should he have them.
Vexen: Oh, didn’t we mention, Superior? They’re doing unspeakable things to biology. It’s causing physical pain.
Xemnas: Really?
Vexen: It hurts the place where my heart used to be. Although maybe that’s from the fact that they’re claiming I’ve spontaneously regained my heart because of some pseudo-romantic claptrap.
Xemnas: *stunned* But-Kingdom Hearts, our goal and driving force, the only means by which we can become complete?
Marluxia: Haven’t seen so much as its footsteps in the snow.
A smirk graced the Neophytes lips. Well, at least he could say that his seed was potent enough to impregnate a male and it wouldn’t be an idle boast. Now… what to do with said pregnant male.
Marluxia: The words ‘abortion’, ‘murder’, and ‘shallow grave’ spring to mind.
The suggestion of getting rid of the children had not been met with the kind of reaction Marluxia expected; his neck was still sore from the outcome.
Marluxia: Somebody should do something about that poor semicolon. It deserves better than this fic.
Xemnas: It strikes me through the veil of memory that the most preferable choice for a romantic partner would decidedly not be an individual who would react to an undesired suggestion with attempted strangulation.
Vexen: We’re in a badfic. All relationships are healthy by authorial decree.
The Neophyte supposed that Vexen was intent on keeping the child, and that was why his idea had been discarded with such vehemence.
Vexen: Either that or I just don’t like you and would reject all your suggestions out of hand.
Xemnas: Vexen, we have discussed this repeatedly. There are a sufficiency of Dusks on which to experiment. It is not actually required to grow your own test subjects.
Marluxia frowned slightly and resumed pacing. It was puzzling. Why would someone without a heart want to raise a child?
Marluxia: You say ‘raise’, I hear ‘dissect’.
What possible benefit was there for the blonde scientist?
Vexen: Let me see…physical discomfort for months, culminating in probable death due to lack of a birth canal…That would be a straightforward ‘none’.
Why had he looked so hurt before rage set in?
Xemnas: Why is this night different from all other nights? On all other nights we eat bread-oh, my apologies. I seem to have turned two pages at once.
All of those questions were quite important to Marluxia because they represented something that all of the Nobodies were obsessed with; emotion.
Marluxia: The colon got run over by a semi.
Vexen: Why do I hear that to the tune of ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’?
Marluxia: Don’t be-aaargh, now I hear it too! You bastard, if I hadn’t been pretending to hate you before, I would be now!
Xemnas: To what does this refer?
Marluxia: A particularly kitschy Christmas song.
Speakers: *begin playing said song*
Xemnas: That is truly a foul excrescence upon the world of music. The sound is reminiscent of a mosquito’s buzz.
It seemed like Vexen actually felt the emotions that had flitted across his face, like he was actually hurt by the thought of an abortion.
Marluxia: It always seems like we feel, but we still don’t.
Marluxia sighed quietly. He would have been better off if he had stayed out of Vexen’s bed.
Vexen: You would’ve been better off?!
Xemnas: That was perhaps more insight into your personal lives than I truly wished. I never would have thought it of either of you.
Marluxia & Vexen: *falling over themselves to protest*
“Sooooo, what’s goin’ on between you and our resident skinny blonde?
Marluxia: Which one? They’re all skinny.
Xemnas: As tragic as it is to admit, this story would become infinitely more plausible if the blonde in question were Larxene.
Marluxia: For one thing, I don’t actively despise her.
It almost looked like a lovers spat.” Marluxia stopped pacing to look at the speaker in his doorway.
Speaker in (well, over) the doorway: *continues playing music*
Marluxia: That was not what I meant.
There stood the ever agitating Axle, and behind him stood Roxas.
Vexen: *ksnert* I almost wish he were here, if only to see his face.
Marluxia: *Axel* How can they get my name wrong? It’s four freakin’ letters, and I spell it for them, for cryin’ out loud!
Xemnas: That would presume that the individual writing this story has ever played Chain of Memories, which events attest is not the case in any particular.
Wonderful. Now he was going to be interrogated by two of the most annoying members of the Organization. All he needed was for Demyx to show-
“You know, Marluxia, it isn’t very nice to take advantage of people with low self esteem.”-up.
Xemnas: I fail to see the relevance of this statement.
Vexen: Well, obviously he took advantage of me, because it’s not like I’m capable of making a refusal absolutely clear, and gods forbid the uke actually want sex! *pause* I just defended possibly sleeping with Marluxia of my own free will. Kill me now.
Marluxia: Gladly. *produces scythe*
Xemnas: Eleven, put that away, or I will take the opportunity to investigate these reports of sedition in great detail.
Marluxia: *puts it away*
“I didn’t take advantage of Number IV. He was perfectly willing to be in my bed. We sought physical release from one another, just as others do.”
Vexen: This is actually the least uncanonical thing anyone’s said all fic. *bangs head against armrest*
Xemnas: I question your standards of ‘canonical’.
Vexen: ‘Not involving feelings’.
Xemnas: Ah. Proceed.
Marluxia glared at the three youths. “Not that what I do is of any concern to you three.”
Marluxia: Wow, I seem to be batting at least five hundred here.
Vexen: See how you like being the only person marginally IC while everyone else ignores you.
Marluxia: Are you still on about that?
Vexen: What made you think I forget these things easily?
Xemnas: The remnants of recollections of emotion cause a part of my soul to shrink from asking what it is you speak, but as neither memory nor emotion have power over me, I will nevertheless request elucidation.
Marluxia:…What?
Vexen: It was a badfic. You really don’t want to know more.
Marluxia turned away from the Nobodies in his doorway. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must order my thoughts before I see the Superior.” A Portal opened and Xemnas stepped through it.
Xemnas: It seems that this time will not be vouchsafed to you.
“I hope that you can put you thoughts in order quickly XI, because I want an explanation from you.”
Xemnas: Several, as a matter of fact. But first-will somebody turn that blasted music off?!
Marluxia: With pleasure. *kills speaker with thorny death*
Music: *so turned off, it won’t be in the mood ever again*
Xemnas: Now. Reports have reached me that you were the responsible party in the Castle Oblivion debacle, which became so solely because you were more engaged in spearheading an attempt at a coup. Truly this was a foolish action, to seek to be the greatest nothingness within the void-
Vexen: *snickers* No, it’s nothing. Carry on.
Xemnas: *does, at length* *some time later* …And so it has been given to me, it seems, to find an appropriate punishment for these transgressions.
Vexen: You don’t have to, actually. It’s already in progress.
Xemnas: ‘Anticipating my order’?
Vexen: That was Xigbar. I was just interested in revenge on my own account.
Xemnas: Well, then, feel free to do as you will, so long as it causes no excessive quantity of collateral damage.
Vexen: It won’t. *smirk*
To be continued…