I ache. jeff is melancholy and preoccupied. very clear he doesn't think of me romantically. trev is distant and who can blame him. I don't know what I want. so scared to make a move and yet have orchestrated things so they will hit wallls. I just want to have an honest conversation with him. that would be helpful.

FUCKfuck fuck fuckfuckfuck!!!!!! I feel completely unfunny and the burden of having all the serious bits. trev sounds forlorn he is having to deal with so much crapband I am going to dump more on him. if I have another sex dream with !eff I am going to lose my shit! I don't even like sex that much and I keep dreaming about it. and why don't I care ( Read more... )

spent most if the day dazed and tired. nobody has smacked me or beat me up in a few days and I am feeling lonely. trev, I love you but what turns you on doesn't turn me on. I would just like tonspew about Jeff's biceps. God, wow. and his singing makes me weak in the knees. he's home. must run.

so, costumes are awesome! and it was so great seeing Debra. god she is so good. she's leaving post. now there is no reason to go back at all. falling in love with Jeff again. sigh. talked to deb, about trev and me and stuff. no answers. like this part of the process. need to balance check book and deposit money. somehow. definitely lost apt. ( Read more... )

okay. so due to drunkenness I lott the previous post. lots of untoward sharing about relationships. was cruel with jeff. but it was just hard not to be. he called me a cunt, which I deserved. oh, crap. really reinforced that we are just doing a show and nothing more. perhaps I can convince him that sex would be fun in italy. amy, if you read ( Read more... )

crap rehearsal. sometimes I want to smack ed. it's not that I don't understand the joke it is that I am worried about the set up or thar it is crap. arg. jeff is sort of seeing someone. trev and I had a better conversation than last night. I wanted to run away today. I just don't know what i'm doing. I miss the feeling of new love. also I feel ( Read more... )

Moonstruck. What a great film. I long for that passion. Leave nothing but the skin over my bones. I want that possibility. take me! NOW! oh, God. ITALY! Breathe, live, love. oh, yeah, and rehearsal went well. good bits. bell bit. question bit. If bit. find my inner Prunella Fawelty. peace.

when I listen to the quiet I get "just trust". I have this schoolgirl crush on jeff just to fill space. the young heather wants to manipulate it into something it is nto or wishing he feels strongly so I can be the center of attention. like a five year old that hasn't learned to share yet. or well. my heart says about trevor "just love him" my ( Read more... )

ok, so this is day four but yesterday was way too sad and angry and emotional to type. Mike's prognosis is not good. CRAP of all the stupid things. and it all makes me wonder on a selfish level what am I doing ! also I am PMS'ING and so decisions to become a hermit should not be made this week. jeff is feeling better, thank god. antibiotics ( Read more... )

so, lost the other entry 'cause Trev called. I am so distracted by the show and Jeff that I don't know what to say! hypocrite! I suck. but back to the day... worked 7 hours on scenario and we might have something maybe. feel like ed & dave see eye to eye and Jeff and I are on the same wave length. all part of the getting to know each other ( Read more... )