Comments | heraclitus: (без темы)

heraclitus

(Untitled)

Mar 30, 2007 03:51

I am no longer in love. It started two weeks ago, and the process of falling out of love is pretty much finished at this point. It was prompted when a friend informed me that the girl in question had made a comparison between me and a fictional character. The comparison wasn't insulting (though I will admit it's to a character I don't like, but am ( Read more... )

Comments 18

jimboboz March 30 2007, 09:41:01 UTC

Yeah, basically you've just got to be nice to them. You know, in a simple day-to-day sort of way. It's not really very complicated. Responding not merely to their expressed needs like some sales clerk, but to their unexpressed needs, too - which means you have to take the time to get to know them, etc.

So, patience, effort and day-to-day kindness and thoughtfulness. Pretty simple, really.

heraclitus March 30 2007, 16:33:02 UTC

The problem isn't that I don't do those things, but rather that I do them in ways that people find unsettling or potentially dishonest. This is at least partly because I take an ironic and somewhat condemnatory attitude towards my own actions and the justifications I provide for them because I find it funny to do so. People seem to agree - they laugh - but they then also become worried that I think something similar about them.

selfishgene March 30 2007, 15:45:22 UTC

Your plan makes sense to me. I have also learned the hard way to tone it down. People look for conventional behaviors before trusting someone. Once you have their trust, you can show people your non-mainstream attributes, not before.

pharminatrix March 30 2007, 18:53:29 UTC

How long would you say you were in love? By what qualities did you distinguish it from limerence, infatuation, or similar states? What about her inspired this particular sentiment? Were you concerned ever about having to discuss your feelings with her, or did you feel any pressure to do so?

heraclitus March 30 2007, 19:16:14 UTC

I was in love for six years. I distinguish it from limerence and infatuation (which I also felt for her at various times) due to its duration, and due to the specific expression of the emotion in question. The emotion, whatever it was, was expressed in that I wished to be a better person for her, and to in fact rise to the apex of competency in all fields (including moral conduct such as kindness) when she was around. I was a nicer person in love, and in her presence, than I was out of it ( ... )

the23 March 30 2007, 22:23:28 UTC

I did tell everyone in our social circle (between thirty and forty people by now) that I was in love with her, but none of them have ever passed the information along to her so far as I know.

sounds hugely implausible that not one out of 30 people would have passed the info on unless she was moving in completely different circles.

if you had shown your hand you would have likely provoked a response which would have led to a very similar conclusion as the comparison to the fictional character did. were you deliberately addling your brain for six years?

heraclitus March 31 2007, 03:08:51 UTC

It is implausible, but it is the case nonetheless for its implausibility. I am avoiding speculating as to why it is the case because I do not wish to appear bitter.

As to the delay, I am remarkably patient about many things. My desire at the time was to permanently secure the lady in question, and I realised that this was not about to happen at this point in her life. Better to wait five or so years until it was more likely than bung things up through rashness and impatience. This was an important matter to me, and I didn't want to fuck it up.

notthebuddha March 31 2007, 06:19:40 UTC

the girl in question had made a comparison between me and a fictional character.

Spock? House?

it just struck me that anyone who would compare me to that character didn't really know me all that well.

It strikes me that hiding your feelings from people prevents them from knowing you well.

heraclitus March 31 2007, 22:17:42 UTC

I only hid the love thing. I was pretty open about everything else. I'm not a guy who defines himself by his emotions for the most part anyhow. When I describe myself, and when others describe me, they tend to draw on my tastes, habits, and positions, rather than my emotions to find accurate terms.

I won't name the fictional character because then it'd reveal who the girl was.

notthebuddha April 1 2007, 02:52:08 UTC

I won't name the fictional character because then it'd reveal who the girl was.

but you said

it's to a character I don't like, but am often compared to

I'm not a guy who defines himself by his emotions for the most part anyhow.

That's nice, but you were talking about how other people know you, or don't know you. Emotional makeup is fairly high on many people's lists, especially wrt prospective love interests. How many people are going to consider emotional concealment an advantage in a lover?

heraclitus April 1 2007, 19:27:26 UTC

I don't mean that a huge number of people compare me to this character, but rather that a half-dozen or so people frequently compare me with him.

As for emotional concealment, I think that's the wrong term. It's emotional control. I do value that in people, including in my girlfriends. People for whom feeling and action are synonymous are pretty ridiculous, in fact. Nor am I completely aberrant in this - the basic idea behind a seduction is that both parties are in control of their emotions to begin with and only gradually let down their guard. Seductions have been some of the great love affairs of Western history and literature, so I don't think there's some great possibility of happiness that's closed off to me.

Thread 5

givenscissors April 2 2007, 04:34:55 UTC

I am doing a good job avoiding bitterness. It's true, I am not as charitable towards her character as I was when I was in love, but neither do I abhor her. I am capable of seeing her flaws as well as her good points, and of forming a critical but fair evaluation of her character. I understand her more now than I ever did when I was in love with her.This passage struck me. I was in love with someone for four years, it was love at first sight. Though I believe he knew it, nothing was ever said about my love for him and we remained just close friends for years. Eventually, I got enough courage to tell him how I felt but he stated that he wasn't interested in having a relationship with me other than friendship. Hence, the process of falling out of love had to begin. At first all I could see were the negative aspects of his character that, yes, I had noticed before but let slip by because of my adoration for him. This made spending time with him difficult, and an underlying "spark" to our conversations had now disappeared. Time has ( ... )