jaina
in
herdedcats
[Bleach] Undertow 2/2
( Part One.)
---
"You're brooding." Miyako jabs her chopsticks in his face. "Are you sick?"
Kaien jumps back, looking up from the bento he's been concentrating so hard on. Sentaro and Kiyone went to a lot of trouble to make them these lunches (or maybe they went down the block to buy them, close enough) and it would be rude to eat them thoughtlessly. "I am not."
"You are," Miyako says flatly. "It's not like you. I don't like you when you do it. Stop it."
"Maybe I'm just having a thoughtful day." He squints through the bright sunlight. They could have eaten lunch together in his office, like they sometimes do, but he doesn't want to be there today.
"A thoughtful day?" She sounds amused. "Darling man, if thinking makes you look so dour, I suggest you leave it to myself and Captain Ukitake and concentrate on looking attractive. Every office needs decorations."
He can't help but chuckle and lean into her hand as she ruffles his hair affectionately. Here in the daylight, everything's normal, and there are no secrets lurking in the shadows, ready to weigh him down. It should be easy to pretend that yesterday was a dream.
But Miyako deserves better than that sort of foolishness from him. He watches her work on finishing her own bento and wonders, as he was been doing all morning, whether to tell her what he's done. Miyako is always the one person he can count on to be absolutely honest with him, whether he likes it or not. She is his wife and he should honor her with the same. But that could just be his guilty conscience talking and not his brain. Saying it out loud could hurt her. That's the last thing he's ever wanted to do.
He can't even think about Kuchiki at this moment. She's been on assignment all morning. It's probably for the best.
He sets down his chopsticks. "Miyako--"
She stands up. "Come on. Let's go."
"Eh? Where?"
"To get your zanpakutou," she says. "If you're going to think so much, you should think about something worthwhile. We're going to spar."
Most of their divisionmates not out on assignment are out somewhere enjoying lunch, but a few gather around the edges of the thirteenth's practice field as their vice-captain and third seat face off against each other. Kaien has fought with Miyako using swords more than often than he has with words since they've been married, and as always, it's a challenge. Just because they aren't fighting to the death doesn't mean she'll take it easy on him. As she's so fond of reminding him, he has to earn his rank, over and over.
They draw their swords and bow. Miyako grins at him once before rushing him, and from then on, Kaien really can't think about anything except this battle, such as it is. Miyako is fast and ruthless, and even at his quickest, it's only his flesh that escapes her sword as they shunpo around one another; his uniform is not so lucky. He'll have to darn some holes tonight.
"You're too slow, Kaien," Miyako calls out as he dodges another blow from her, then just misses with one of his own.
"Can I help it if I want to admire the view?" he shoots back, and the laughter the bubbles up from inside is genuine. He wonders how he could forget how much he enjoys this, crossing swords with the woman he admires for her fierce competency as much as he loves her for her heart.
Between the sun and the activity, they're both sweaty by the time they're finished. A few of the shinigami still watching offer light applause as they leave. Miyako bows and Kaien offers a grin and a wave.
The grin freezes in place when he catches sight of a small, pale figure turning to leave her vantage point up on the east ridge. It seems Kuchiki's returned from her assignment.
***
Another late night when Kaien should be at home and he's back at his desk, scanning and signing officer reports without really reading them. If nothing else, Ukitake will probably commend his hard work when the captain returns from bedrest in a day or so.
He sets his pen down when he reaches the bottom of the first stack of paperwork. He could go home, but he can feel that he's not entirely alone.
Kuchiki is alone in one of the private training rooms when he steps inside. She has to know here's here, but she doesn't turn to look at him, just continues to practice forms, her sword slicing through the air. Her technique is flawless, and he wonders if that's due to his efforts to help, her own natural grace or her fierce desire to live up to Byakuya's standards. "Kuchiki."
He waits for her to finish a series of flurried movements and lower her sword, but she doesn't sheathe it. "Kaien-dono," she says, looking at the wall. "I am sorry if I've disturbed you at this hour."
"Don't be stupid," he says, walking over. "I'm the one interrupting your practice. But it is late, Kuchiki. You should go home. Your brother will be worried.
She shakes her head. "No, he won't," she says hoarsely.
The raw note of emotion in her voice is unmistakable. He fumbles for the right thing to say. "Kuchiki..." Of all the times to be at a loss for words. He touches her shoulder. "You're shaking."
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
"I saw you out by the practice field earlier," he says. "You should have come said hello. Miyako wanted to know how your mission went."
She cringes at his wife's name and Kaien knows faking normal conversation was the wrong move. "I didn't want to interfere," she says. "I didn't--I shouldn't--I'm so sorry, Kaien-dono." She bows her head so her hair falls limply in her face. "I admire you and Miyako-dono so much, I would never want to hurt you."
"You haven't," he says immediately, but she goes on like she didn't even hear him.
"I can go on without our training sessions, or request a transfer to another division. Let me fix this."
"Stop it, Kuchiki, you didn't do anything wrong--"
"Yes I did!" She cries, and when she finally looks at him, she's barely holding back the tears. "I did this! You shouldn't have to be around someone like me anymore! You should--"
He never gets to hear what he should do, because she's in his arms and his mouth is on hers. She gasps against him before kissing back, eventually bringing her arms up around him. He can feel the flat of her sword against his back but doesn't really care.
"It's all right," he says when the kiss ends, still holding her. "I promise. It's all right."
"How do you know?" she asks softly.
"Because I'm the wonderful Vice-Captain Kaien, and I say so!" The grin hurts his face a little, but gets easier as he holds it. "And there's no way I'm letting another division get your talent, Kuchiki. Thirteenth is the best, so this is where you belong!"
She smiles, despite herself. "You should be more serious, Kaien-dono."
"I am being serious," he says, and he is. "This is where you belong, Kuchiki. I promise. Don't worry about anything, just keep doing the good job you're doing." After a moment, she nods. "Good." He kisses the top of her head before letting her go. "Now go home. I mean it. I can't have you falling asleep on me in training because you work too hard at night."
She flushes at that, but nods again. "Good night, Kaien-dono."
"Good night," he says softly. When she's gone, he returns to his desk. He's made enough headway for the evening; he should get his things and go home.
He sits back down.
***
Kaien gets so far ahead on things that when Ukitake returns to reclaim his desk and the suddenly-small piles of paperwork on it, he's left with not much to do for a day or two, when things will build up again. Instead of taking the afternoon to nap or go visit his siblings and Ganju's new pig, he sits above a practice yard, watching his wife run a squad through its paces. Assessment is coming up; they'll all need to be at their best if they want a chance at a seat, and Miyako lets them know this with scolds that spur them to work harder without bruising their egos so much that they won't try.
Miyako is really good with people. It's something Kaien's known nearly as long as he's known her, but somehow he never stops being surprised at how well she can get people to be faster, stronger, better than they were before. It's no wonder everyone loves her. It's no wonder he does. To this day, he's never met anyone so open and loving yet still with such a strength within. When they were married, Kaien promised to love her forever. He has no doubt that he will. But is promising to always love her the same as promising never to love another?
They'd talked about it before. Sort of.
"Do you think we'll still be like this in a hundred years?" she'd asked one day shortly after their wedding, rolling over in bed to lie on her back.
He hadn't taken his eyes off her body when he'd answered--in those days, they'd spent most of their time together naked. "Of course. That's what getting married means. I'll always think you're hot."
"How about two hundred?"
"Yes, even in two hundred years."
"What about...five hundred?"
"Miyako..." He'd rolled his eyes and tackled her. "Yes, even in five hundred years," he'd said when they came up for air. "What about me?"
"Mmm, I suppose," she'd said, "You know, after that much time, I suppose you could have the occasional...sample. As long as I'm the main dish."
"Oh, come on, Miyako," he'd said. "Don't be silly."
"What? Nothing wrong with adding some spice for variety. Forever is a long time to be married, and I'd be selfish not to let you try new things." She'd winked. "But only if I get to watch."
He'd laughed at her like she was joking, even though Miyako rarely said anything she didn't mean. It had been a joke. And hell, even if it hadn't been, he'd never imagined it'd happen now. They haven't even been married that long. And even if this were just a matter of wanting to try something new, with or without Miyako's full consent...Kuchiki's not just a good screw. She's not recreation.
And yet... His eyes fall to Kuchiki, training with the squad. The way he feels about her isn't what he thinks of when he thinks of being in love. But it's still something precious to him. And neither one takes away from the other. Is it so strange that he should have room in his heart for more than one person? Is something wrong with him that his guilt is for the deception and not the act?
He watches the squad for the rest of the afternoon but never quite figures it out.
***
Life goes on. Kuchiki doesn't stop training with him. Kaien doesn't stop doing his best to bring out her potential. She really is coming along well, though she still does her best when there are fewer people around to make her self-conscious.
"Come on, Kuchiki," he calls out, holding Nejibana's released form ready. "Come at me!"
To her credit, she no longer hesitates before attacking. Shikai to shikai, they're more evenly matched. They're both faster, sharper; they both have their own dances of sorts. The area of Rukongai they've come to for training today is lined by a shallow, slow-moving river, and as their mock battle gets faster and fiercer, Kaien has to move smartly to make sure he doesn't end up in the drink. Though it is a warm day and they've been working all morning. The idea of soaking a little doesn't sound too bad.
Kaien grins and rushes at Kuchiki, Nejibana whirling around his wrist, and she's forced to jump back once, then again--she knows he'll never really hurt her, but she also knows he'll knock her around a bit if it serves her training. He can see her getting ready to counterattack, but a quick dodge to the right that forces her back once more ends that when she ends up in the river, wet almost to her knees. She's so surprised, she falls backwards, soaking her hakama.
He props Nejibana over his shoulder and smirks at her. "You've got to be aware of your surroundings, Kuchiki. Use the landscape!"
She glares up at him, but nods her understanding. Useful knowledge passed from mentor to rookie; it's a pretty normal training session, just like they've always done. "I understand, Kaien-dono." He reaches a hand out to help her up, and it's his turn to be surprised when she yanks him down into the water beside her. Face-first.
"Kuchiki!" He laughs and scolds at the same time when he comes up for air. "That wasn't very nice. Now we're both soaked. You're throwing my training schedule completely off, you know."
"You'll think of something, Kaien-dono," she says, smiling gently. It makes something catch in his throat.
Well. It's a mostly normal training session.
There's a nearby copse of trees growing close to the riverbank that provides enough cover for them to make love while their clothes dry in the sun. Afterwards, with some coaxing, Kaien is able to persuade her to bathe with him in the river to get them mud off their skin.
"You missed a spot." He swipes a wet hand over a dark mark on her lower neck only to find that it won't rub off. "Ah, damn. It's a bruise. Sorry about that, my fault."
"Mmm, it's not a problem." She's far more relaxed here than he'd have expected. Public nakedness doesn't seem like her thing, even if there's not actually anyone around for miles. "I'll heal it before we return to Seireitei."
"I never thought about using kidou for that." He pulls her into a hug from behind, enjoying the slick feel of her skin against his, and kisses her temple. "Where were you when I was in the Academy? I could have used the help."
She doesn't react to the suggestive comment. She's more occupied with another bit of his skin, tracing the Shiba crest tattoo on his arm. "When did you get this?"
"After I was acccepted to the academy, before my first term started," he says. "My little brother didn't want me to go away from home, so I took him with me and got it done to show him even when I was away from home, I wouldn't forget my family."
"How old was he?"
He shrugs. "Dunno. Four?"
"Kaien-dono!" But she's laughing. "It must be nice to feel so strongly about your family."
"Yeah." He wraps her tighter in his arms. "What about you? Ever want to get some ink?"
"Not me, no. I do not believe my brother would approve." It's the understatement of the year. "I had a friend who did, though. He tattooed his forehead. Here." She turns in his arms and traces his forehead to illustrate the exact placement.
"That's an unusual spot. He must have funny eyebrows now."
"Probably," she says. "He just said it was something he felt he should do. He couldn't explain why."
"Interesting guy." She looks a little wistful now, so he leans down to kiss away any traces of sadness. She responds with vigor. "Ready to head back to land?"
"Yes, Kaien-dono," she whispers against his mouth.
***
"'scuse me, pardon me, coming through!" Kaien dodges a couple of lower-seated officers on his rushed way to Ukitake's office. He's not hurrying because he's late. He just can't wait to get there. It's a week after assessment, the period in which all division members whose skills have progressed are judged individually and against each other to see who's worthy of moving up a seat, and who might be deserving of their first numbered position. Kaien can think of one person in particular for that last part.
He can't even pretend not to be unbiased, and didn't bother to act like he was during the long meetings he and the captain held to discuss officer evaluations. He wants Kuchiki to advance. Luckily, so does Ukitake, if Kaien read his smile right, and he always has before. Moreover, Kuchiki deserves to advance. There's no one in this division who's worked harder since the last assessment. And while he might be biased, Kaien's also the person in the best position to be dead certain of the fact that Kuchiki has earned her seat.
"Yo!" He plops down in a seat across from his captain in Ukitake's office. "Hand it over."
"Good morning to you, too, Kaien." Ukitake smiles wryly and passes over a sheet of paper. "You shouldn't see any surprises. We went over the evaluations together."
"I'm just an attentive vice-captain." He scans the list of names and ranks on the paper. They're all pretty in line with what they'd discussed--not a lot of major changes this assessment, but a few people distinguished themselves. But as he gets to the lower seats, something looks wrong, or rather, the lack of something. "This is it?" He checks both sides of the paper. Ukitake just nods. "You've got to be kidding me. You don't think something's missing?"
"Kaien..." Ukitake looks pained. "I know you've worked very hard with her, but there were many strong shinigami vying for seats. Perhaps next time--"
"No!" He jumps to his feet. "With all due respect, sir, that's bullshit. Kuchiki's come far because she put the work in. She deserves a ranked seat. You know it and I know it. So why aren't you giving her one?"
"There are other factors to consider," Ukitake says, looking like he doesn't quite believe it himself. "Other opinions I must take into account."
"Well, you've got mine!" he snaps. "Who else do you want to ask? The officers she's competing against? People who've never even seen her fight? Who would care--" He stops cold as the realization hits him. "Shit. Her brother. Byakuya did this, didn't he?"
Ukitake sighs. "It's more complicated than that."
"No. It isn't." He starts to leave.
"Kaien, stop!" Ukitake's command rings sharply in the room. "You are not to confront Byakuya with this. That is an order, Vice-Captain."
Kaien almost wants to scrub his ears out to make certain he's heard correctly. It's been a long time since his captain has seen the need to give him an order. Trust normally suffices. "Someone should," he says. "It's not like Byakuya even knows how good she is. He's never asked for a progress report. Why's he doing this? Is he that doubtful about her skills?"
"No."
"Then what?" He's not even trying to keep the anger from his voice. Captain to vice-captain, they've never had a fight, but this is bullshit. "Why are you trying to protect her, sir? She doesn't need that from you or her brother."
"I am not trying to protect her," Ukitake says, and there are equal amounts of patience and sadness in his voice. "I am trying to protect him."
Kaien stops.
"I know you and Captain Kuchiki have known each other a long time, but you didn't see him when Hisana died."
"I tried," Kaien says. "He wouldn't see anyone. When he showed his face in public again, he was just...closed off. It's how he does things."
Ukitake nods. "Yes, it is," he says. "But when you've lived a long time, you learn to read people. And I did see him after the funeral. He wouldn't turn me away." He closes his eyes for a moment. "He is not a truly different person since his wife's death. But he...hardened with the loss. I fear further loss would simply shatter him. What else could I do when he asked me to promise to protect his sister, Kaien? Knowing what it must have cost him to make the request?" He spreads his hands wide. "What would you have done?"
Silence fills the air for a long moment. "Not that," he says finally.
"No, probably not," Ukitake says. "But I am asking you to respect the choice I have made."
"I can accept it," he says. "Don't ask me to respect it. Byakuya is wrong. And this is a mistake."
"Perhaps," Ukitake says. "But for the moment, it is one I am prepared to accept responsibility for."
And there's really nothing left to say.
***
He sees her, briefly, at the edges of the crowd that gathers when the assessment results are announced, but the rowdiness of congratulatory friends surrounding those whose efforts have been rewarded prevent him from getting close enough to read her. It's not until that evening that he detects her reiatsu in a training facility, alone. He wonders if she's waiting for him. They've never planned any trysts in this...whatever this is...but he doesn't figure he should leave the topic for their next training session. "Hey."
"Kaien-dono." She nods at him from where she kneels, carefully polishing the blade of her sword, which she has taken apart for maintenance.
"Sorry I couldn't find you earlier," he says. "I was hoping to talk to you first."
"What for?"
From anyone else, he'd expect to hear sarcasm in the words, or recrimination at the very least. He told her she could do it--he promised her she could. And she did, not that she's getting what's coming to her. Either way it makes him a liar. "About the assessment results," he says. "A lot of people have improved this year--you're doing wonderfully, Kuchiki, it's not a reflection on your work that you didn't get promoted this time." The half-lie tastes like ashes on his tongue.
She sets down the blade to turn her attention to him. "I don't understand," she says. "Did you expect me to be angry?"
"Well...kinda." He rubs at the back of his neck. "Upset. Something."
"Not at all." She folds her hands neatly in her lap. "I have so far to go, Kaien-dono."
"You've come so far."
She smiles briefly. "So have others. And I did not even pass the proper tests before I joined the ranks, so of course I could not expect--"
"But you should." Before he knows what he's doing, he's crouched beside her, one hand on her shoulder. "Expect something. Kuchiki, you deserve something."
"I appreciate you saying so, Kaien-dono." Gently, she shrugs off his hand and returns to her sword. "I really must finish this. My brother is expecting me for dinner."
Kaien stares, a little stunned. He'd felt certain that Kuchiki would be disappointed, that she'd need to hear from him--need him to tell her why, need his reassurance that she hasn't worked for nothing. That he'd need to prop up those wavering pieces of self-confidence he's been encouraging.
He takes a step to leave, and that's when he sees it--the nearly indiscernable tremor in her shoulders that most people would miss. Without a word, it tells him that she is not holding herself up as easily as it seems.
Kuchiki does need him. But she is trying very hard not to.
***
Miyako puts up with his brooding for nearly a day before cornering him in his office. "Tell me who did it."
"Did what?" He's got paperwork in his hands, but his wife calmly takes it from him and sets it aside.
"I don't know what," she says. "But I know something caused that look on your face, and I know it's not something you did or you'd be off doing something very brave and very silly to fix it."
If only she knew. "It's the captain," he says. "Well. Not exactly him--I don't blame him. But he went along with it, and I really don't know what I can do to get him to change his mind."
She reaches out to touch his face. "Tell me."
He does. Not about every reason he has to look like this, more the coward him. He tells her about his expectation that Rukia would have a seat, about Byakuya's agreement with their captain. About how torn he feels over seriously disagreeing with Ukitake for the first time since he's been vice-captain.
"I can't say I'm surprised," she sighs when he's finished. "I don't know Captain Kuchiki as well as you do, but he's never struck me as being the warmest person."
"Hell no he's not," Kaien retorts. "And these days he's even worse. I just wish I could do something, Miyako. I mean--he shouldn't be interfering with our division."
She just chuckles. "Oh, Kaien. Do you think I don't know what you've been doing?"
He nearly chokes. "You do?"
"Of course," she says, and she's not furious. She's smiling. "It's all well and good to feign objectivity, but everyone knows that girl is your favorite. You wanted her to earn a seat for her own sake. It's not interdivisional meddling that has you upset."
"Oh." He lets out a long breath. "Yeah, that's it. You're right."
"I've got to go now, though," she says, looking regretful. "I'm taking a unit out to deal with a troublesome Hollow."
"A whole unit? They'll get bored watching you do your thing."
"No doubt." She stands. "I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Kuchiki Byakuya is a dutiful man, but I don't think he knows how to be a brother. Not like you do." She shakes her head. "I've watched Rukia-chan. She's doing better since her first days here, but it's plain to see she's not getting any kind of love from her family. I'm glad she's got you."
He goes very still. "Miyako...?"
"Trust your heart, Kaien," she says. "It hasn't steered you wrong yet. And I believe in it. It's one of the things I love about you. And trust me, too. You're not the only one who cares." She leans over to kiss him softly. "We'll talk when I get back. All right?"
"Okay," he says. "Goodbye."
***
He finds Kuchiki sitting by herself next to the lake. It's the same spot where they've had many lunches together, along with Sentaro, Kiyone and the rest, but there's no one about at the moment.
"Hey." He plops down beside her.
"Hello." She smiles in greeting. The atmosphere isn't private enough for her to lose her mask of propriety, but even with it, she seems more settled today. Kaien guesses she really does accept that there has been no injustice, that it's ineptitude and not injustice that she must cope with. The thought doesn't make him feel any better. Today, he feels like he's the one who needs comforting. Not that he'd put that on her.
"What are you up to?"
"Just thinking, Kaien-dono." She twirls a wildflower in her hand as they look out at the peaceful waters. "And you?"
"The same, I suppose." He leans back on his hands. "Paperwork's done and Miyako's off on a mission. I'm just taking a break."
"Oh." She glances at him sideways. He can see her eyes cloud over a little and wishes they wouldn't. They've never talked about his wife since just after their first time together, but he knows they've both been acutely aware of her, always. It doesn't help that Rukia has never and, he's sure, would never ask for more from him. She's taken what he's been willing to give. Happiness in stolen moments doesn't count for much when it's not something you can keep. "Is there anything I can help you with, then?"
There's so much he wants to say to her. Could say, if he could get his thoughts and mouth in working order. That he thinks his wife might know about them. That he can't even begin to process what her reaction means if she does. That Kuchiki deserves more than she's getting, and she should ask for it. That he loves her--but that she deserves more than what he can offer, too. "No, Kuchiki." He pats her hand. "You're just fine right here."
Kuchiki opens her mouth to say something, but they're interrupted by the sound of someone's approach. It's Ukitake, moving quickly. "Kaien, come quickly," he says, sounding gravely serious. "Something's happened."
***
Miyako is dead. The world as Kaien knows it ends.
"Her entire squad was obliterated. Even the observational personnel..."
He's only vaguely aware of the events that pass by in a blur. Ukitake's attempts to calm him, Kuchiki's quietly devastated grief, his brief glance at his wife's body--what's left of it. That's not her anymore. Miyako's not that thing, those pieces lying under a sheet. Miyako will never be anything again. And through it all is the anger that burns white-hot within him, leaving a hole inside that makes him want to howl.
"You want me to just sit here like an idiot and wait?!"
The rational part of his mind that's not in control knows that Ukitake is right. It's sensible to wait for backup and return to wreak vengeance that the Hollow will not be able to escape. Kaien doesn't care about sensible. Some things are more important. He's failed Miyako in so many ways. He won't fail her now.
The three of them go together, Kaien and the two remaining people he trusts the most in this world. They're all able to hold down their emotions behind deadly calm, but Kuchiki keeps throwing him anguished glances. He'd like to tell her not to feel guilty, that it's no one's fault but the thing he's about to kill, and just because they were together when he should have been fighting by his wife's side doesn't mean she she should blame herself that he wasn't. He can't. Not now. Maybe when this night is done--when he can allow himself to fall apart.
When they arrive at its lair, the Hollow is waiting for them.
***
It only hurts a little when the Hollow takes control of his body. Kaien feels the pain, but from a distance--he's as detached from it as he is from control of his actions from then on. There's nothing he can do, though dammit, he tries. But in the end he can't even fight for control because he can't move.
"Am I that special to you, little girl?"
He can only watch as the thing inside him warps his body and attacks his captain. He can only cheer Ukitake on inside his soul, because this thing he's become must be stopped, and he can only scream as he's forced to leap past the captain towards Kuchiki, who looks small and terrified and he knows he's going to kill her; his body flies at her with murderous intent and Kaien prepares to see everything he's ever wanted for her go down in flames.
It doesn't hurt at all when Kuchiki's blade pierces his heart.
As he collapses into his lover's arms, it strikes him that this isn't such a bad way to die. He just wishes he hadn't hurt Kuchiki in the process. He tries to tell her so, but he's pressed against her shoulder and he's not sure if she hears him. He doesn't have the strength to lift his hand, but he can still move his arms, so he lifts them to hold her one more time.
"Kuchiki...thanks..."
Things get fuzzier and Kaien finds that death isn't cold, it's warm. But there's so much left unsaid, and not enough time to say all of it. She's clever and brave and strong enough to move past this and do better for herself. He wants to let her know he's sorry to leave her this way, with so much unresolved, but he's not sorry he knew her; of all Kaien's regrets, Kuchiki Rukia is not one of them. These are things she needs to know. As he takes his last breaths, Kaien promises himself: if there's another life after this one, if he ever gets the chance to see her again, he will tell her.
---
"You're brooding." Miyako jabs her chopsticks in his face. "Are you sick?"
Kaien jumps back, looking up from the bento he's been concentrating so hard on. Sentaro and Kiyone went to a lot of trouble to make them these lunches (or maybe they went down the block to buy them, close enough) and it would be rude to eat them thoughtlessly. "I am not."
"You are," Miyako says flatly. "It's not like you. I don't like you when you do it. Stop it."
"Maybe I'm just having a thoughtful day." He squints through the bright sunlight. They could have eaten lunch together in his office, like they sometimes do, but he doesn't want to be there today.
"A thoughtful day?" She sounds amused. "Darling man, if thinking makes you look so dour, I suggest you leave it to myself and Captain Ukitake and concentrate on looking attractive. Every office needs decorations."
He can't help but chuckle and lean into her hand as she ruffles his hair affectionately. Here in the daylight, everything's normal, and there are no secrets lurking in the shadows, ready to weigh him down. It should be easy to pretend that yesterday was a dream.
But Miyako deserves better than that sort of foolishness from him. He watches her work on finishing her own bento and wonders, as he was been doing all morning, whether to tell her what he's done. Miyako is always the one person he can count on to be absolutely honest with him, whether he likes it or not. She is his wife and he should honor her with the same. But that could just be his guilty conscience talking and not his brain. Saying it out loud could hurt her. That's the last thing he's ever wanted to do.
He can't even think about Kuchiki at this moment. She's been on assignment all morning. It's probably for the best.
He sets down his chopsticks. "Miyako--"
She stands up. "Come on. Let's go."
"Eh? Where?"
"To get your zanpakutou," she says. "If you're going to think so much, you should think about something worthwhile. We're going to spar."
Most of their divisionmates not out on assignment are out somewhere enjoying lunch, but a few gather around the edges of the thirteenth's practice field as their vice-captain and third seat face off against each other. Kaien has fought with Miyako using swords more than often than he has with words since they've been married, and as always, it's a challenge. Just because they aren't fighting to the death doesn't mean she'll take it easy on him. As she's so fond of reminding him, he has to earn his rank, over and over.
They draw their swords and bow. Miyako grins at him once before rushing him, and from then on, Kaien really can't think about anything except this battle, such as it is. Miyako is fast and ruthless, and even at his quickest, it's only his flesh that escapes her sword as they shunpo around one another; his uniform is not so lucky. He'll have to darn some holes tonight.
"You're too slow, Kaien," Miyako calls out as he dodges another blow from her, then just misses with one of his own.
"Can I help it if I want to admire the view?" he shoots back, and the laughter the bubbles up from inside is genuine. He wonders how he could forget how much he enjoys this, crossing swords with the woman he admires for her fierce competency as much as he loves her for her heart.
Between the sun and the activity, they're both sweaty by the time they're finished. A few of the shinigami still watching offer light applause as they leave. Miyako bows and Kaien offers a grin and a wave.
The grin freezes in place when he catches sight of a small, pale figure turning to leave her vantage point up on the east ridge. It seems Kuchiki's returned from her assignment.
***
Another late night when Kaien should be at home and he's back at his desk, scanning and signing officer reports without really reading them. If nothing else, Ukitake will probably commend his hard work when the captain returns from bedrest in a day or so.
He sets his pen down when he reaches the bottom of the first stack of paperwork. He could go home, but he can feel that he's not entirely alone.
Kuchiki is alone in one of the private training rooms when he steps inside. She has to know here's here, but she doesn't turn to look at him, just continues to practice forms, her sword slicing through the air. Her technique is flawless, and he wonders if that's due to his efforts to help, her own natural grace or her fierce desire to live up to Byakuya's standards. "Kuchiki."
He waits for her to finish a series of flurried movements and lower her sword, but she doesn't sheathe it. "Kaien-dono," she says, looking at the wall. "I am sorry if I've disturbed you at this hour."
"Don't be stupid," he says, walking over. "I'm the one interrupting your practice. But it is late, Kuchiki. You should go home. Your brother will be worried.
She shakes her head. "No, he won't," she says hoarsely.
The raw note of emotion in her voice is unmistakable. He fumbles for the right thing to say. "Kuchiki..." Of all the times to be at a loss for words. He touches her shoulder. "You're shaking."
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
"I saw you out by the practice field earlier," he says. "You should have come said hello. Miyako wanted to know how your mission went."
She cringes at his wife's name and Kaien knows faking normal conversation was the wrong move. "I didn't want to interfere," she says. "I didn't--I shouldn't--I'm so sorry, Kaien-dono." She bows her head so her hair falls limply in her face. "I admire you and Miyako-dono so much, I would never want to hurt you."
"You haven't," he says immediately, but she goes on like she didn't even hear him.
"I can go on without our training sessions, or request a transfer to another division. Let me fix this."
"Stop it, Kuchiki, you didn't do anything wrong--"
"Yes I did!" She cries, and when she finally looks at him, she's barely holding back the tears. "I did this! You shouldn't have to be around someone like me anymore! You should--"
He never gets to hear what he should do, because she's in his arms and his mouth is on hers. She gasps against him before kissing back, eventually bringing her arms up around him. He can feel the flat of her sword against his back but doesn't really care.
"It's all right," he says when the kiss ends, still holding her. "I promise. It's all right."
"How do you know?" she asks softly.
"Because I'm the wonderful Vice-Captain Kaien, and I say so!" The grin hurts his face a little, but gets easier as he holds it. "And there's no way I'm letting another division get your talent, Kuchiki. Thirteenth is the best, so this is where you belong!"
She smiles, despite herself. "You should be more serious, Kaien-dono."
"I am being serious," he says, and he is. "This is where you belong, Kuchiki. I promise. Don't worry about anything, just keep doing the good job you're doing." After a moment, she nods. "Good." He kisses the top of her head before letting her go. "Now go home. I mean it. I can't have you falling asleep on me in training because you work too hard at night."
She flushes at that, but nods again. "Good night, Kaien-dono."
"Good night," he says softly. When she's gone, he returns to his desk. He's made enough headway for the evening; he should get his things and go home.
He sits back down.
***
Kaien gets so far ahead on things that when Ukitake returns to reclaim his desk and the suddenly-small piles of paperwork on it, he's left with not much to do for a day or two, when things will build up again. Instead of taking the afternoon to nap or go visit his siblings and Ganju's new pig, he sits above a practice yard, watching his wife run a squad through its paces. Assessment is coming up; they'll all need to be at their best if they want a chance at a seat, and Miyako lets them know this with scolds that spur them to work harder without bruising their egos so much that they won't try.
Miyako is really good with people. It's something Kaien's known nearly as long as he's known her, but somehow he never stops being surprised at how well she can get people to be faster, stronger, better than they were before. It's no wonder everyone loves her. It's no wonder he does. To this day, he's never met anyone so open and loving yet still with such a strength within. When they were married, Kaien promised to love her forever. He has no doubt that he will. But is promising to always love her the same as promising never to love another?
They'd talked about it before. Sort of.
"Do you think we'll still be like this in a hundred years?" she'd asked one day shortly after their wedding, rolling over in bed to lie on her back.
He hadn't taken his eyes off her body when he'd answered--in those days, they'd spent most of their time together naked. "Of course. That's what getting married means. I'll always think you're hot."
"How about two hundred?"
"Yes, even in two hundred years."
"What about...five hundred?"
"Miyako..." He'd rolled his eyes and tackled her. "Yes, even in five hundred years," he'd said when they came up for air. "What about me?"
"Mmm, I suppose," she'd said, "You know, after that much time, I suppose you could have the occasional...sample. As long as I'm the main dish."
"Oh, come on, Miyako," he'd said. "Don't be silly."
"What? Nothing wrong with adding some spice for variety. Forever is a long time to be married, and I'd be selfish not to let you try new things." She'd winked. "But only if I get to watch."
He'd laughed at her like she was joking, even though Miyako rarely said anything she didn't mean. It had been a joke. And hell, even if it hadn't been, he'd never imagined it'd happen now. They haven't even been married that long. And even if this were just a matter of wanting to try something new, with or without Miyako's full consent...Kuchiki's not just a good screw. She's not recreation.
And yet... His eyes fall to Kuchiki, training with the squad. The way he feels about her isn't what he thinks of when he thinks of being in love. But it's still something precious to him. And neither one takes away from the other. Is it so strange that he should have room in his heart for more than one person? Is something wrong with him that his guilt is for the deception and not the act?
He watches the squad for the rest of the afternoon but never quite figures it out.
***
Life goes on. Kuchiki doesn't stop training with him. Kaien doesn't stop doing his best to bring out her potential. She really is coming along well, though she still does her best when there are fewer people around to make her self-conscious.
"Come on, Kuchiki," he calls out, holding Nejibana's released form ready. "Come at me!"
To her credit, she no longer hesitates before attacking. Shikai to shikai, they're more evenly matched. They're both faster, sharper; they both have their own dances of sorts. The area of Rukongai they've come to for training today is lined by a shallow, slow-moving river, and as their mock battle gets faster and fiercer, Kaien has to move smartly to make sure he doesn't end up in the drink. Though it is a warm day and they've been working all morning. The idea of soaking a little doesn't sound too bad.
Kaien grins and rushes at Kuchiki, Nejibana whirling around his wrist, and she's forced to jump back once, then again--she knows he'll never really hurt her, but she also knows he'll knock her around a bit if it serves her training. He can see her getting ready to counterattack, but a quick dodge to the right that forces her back once more ends that when she ends up in the river, wet almost to her knees. She's so surprised, she falls backwards, soaking her hakama.
He props Nejibana over his shoulder and smirks at her. "You've got to be aware of your surroundings, Kuchiki. Use the landscape!"
She glares up at him, but nods her understanding. Useful knowledge passed from mentor to rookie; it's a pretty normal training session, just like they've always done. "I understand, Kaien-dono." He reaches a hand out to help her up, and it's his turn to be surprised when she yanks him down into the water beside her. Face-first.
"Kuchiki!" He laughs and scolds at the same time when he comes up for air. "That wasn't very nice. Now we're both soaked. You're throwing my training schedule completely off, you know."
"You'll think of something, Kaien-dono," she says, smiling gently. It makes something catch in his throat.
Well. It's a mostly normal training session.
There's a nearby copse of trees growing close to the riverbank that provides enough cover for them to make love while their clothes dry in the sun. Afterwards, with some coaxing, Kaien is able to persuade her to bathe with him in the river to get them mud off their skin.
"You missed a spot." He swipes a wet hand over a dark mark on her lower neck only to find that it won't rub off. "Ah, damn. It's a bruise. Sorry about that, my fault."
"Mmm, it's not a problem." She's far more relaxed here than he'd have expected. Public nakedness doesn't seem like her thing, even if there's not actually anyone around for miles. "I'll heal it before we return to Seireitei."
"I never thought about using kidou for that." He pulls her into a hug from behind, enjoying the slick feel of her skin against his, and kisses her temple. "Where were you when I was in the Academy? I could have used the help."
She doesn't react to the suggestive comment. She's more occupied with another bit of his skin, tracing the Shiba crest tattoo on his arm. "When did you get this?"
"After I was acccepted to the academy, before my first term started," he says. "My little brother didn't want me to go away from home, so I took him with me and got it done to show him even when I was away from home, I wouldn't forget my family."
"How old was he?"
He shrugs. "Dunno. Four?"
"Kaien-dono!" But she's laughing. "It must be nice to feel so strongly about your family."
"Yeah." He wraps her tighter in his arms. "What about you? Ever want to get some ink?"
"Not me, no. I do not believe my brother would approve." It's the understatement of the year. "I had a friend who did, though. He tattooed his forehead. Here." She turns in his arms and traces his forehead to illustrate the exact placement.
"That's an unusual spot. He must have funny eyebrows now."
"Probably," she says. "He just said it was something he felt he should do. He couldn't explain why."
"Interesting guy." She looks a little wistful now, so he leans down to kiss away any traces of sadness. She responds with vigor. "Ready to head back to land?"
"Yes, Kaien-dono," she whispers against his mouth.
***
"'scuse me, pardon me, coming through!" Kaien dodges a couple of lower-seated officers on his rushed way to Ukitake's office. He's not hurrying because he's late. He just can't wait to get there. It's a week after assessment, the period in which all division members whose skills have progressed are judged individually and against each other to see who's worthy of moving up a seat, and who might be deserving of their first numbered position. Kaien can think of one person in particular for that last part.
He can't even pretend not to be unbiased, and didn't bother to act like he was during the long meetings he and the captain held to discuss officer evaluations. He wants Kuchiki to advance. Luckily, so does Ukitake, if Kaien read his smile right, and he always has before. Moreover, Kuchiki deserves to advance. There's no one in this division who's worked harder since the last assessment. And while he might be biased, Kaien's also the person in the best position to be dead certain of the fact that Kuchiki has earned her seat.
"Yo!" He plops down in a seat across from his captain in Ukitake's office. "Hand it over."
"Good morning to you, too, Kaien." Ukitake smiles wryly and passes over a sheet of paper. "You shouldn't see any surprises. We went over the evaluations together."
"I'm just an attentive vice-captain." He scans the list of names and ranks on the paper. They're all pretty in line with what they'd discussed--not a lot of major changes this assessment, but a few people distinguished themselves. But as he gets to the lower seats, something looks wrong, or rather, the lack of something. "This is it?" He checks both sides of the paper. Ukitake just nods. "You've got to be kidding me. You don't think something's missing?"
"Kaien..." Ukitake looks pained. "I know you've worked very hard with her, but there were many strong shinigami vying for seats. Perhaps next time--"
"No!" He jumps to his feet. "With all due respect, sir, that's bullshit. Kuchiki's come far because she put the work in. She deserves a ranked seat. You know it and I know it. So why aren't you giving her one?"
"There are other factors to consider," Ukitake says, looking like he doesn't quite believe it himself. "Other opinions I must take into account."
"Well, you've got mine!" he snaps. "Who else do you want to ask? The officers she's competing against? People who've never even seen her fight? Who would care--" He stops cold as the realization hits him. "Shit. Her brother. Byakuya did this, didn't he?"
Ukitake sighs. "It's more complicated than that."
"No. It isn't." He starts to leave.
"Kaien, stop!" Ukitake's command rings sharply in the room. "You are not to confront Byakuya with this. That is an order, Vice-Captain."
Kaien almost wants to scrub his ears out to make certain he's heard correctly. It's been a long time since his captain has seen the need to give him an order. Trust normally suffices. "Someone should," he says. "It's not like Byakuya even knows how good she is. He's never asked for a progress report. Why's he doing this? Is he that doubtful about her skills?"
"No."
"Then what?" He's not even trying to keep the anger from his voice. Captain to vice-captain, they've never had a fight, but this is bullshit. "Why are you trying to protect her, sir? She doesn't need that from you or her brother."
"I am not trying to protect her," Ukitake says, and there are equal amounts of patience and sadness in his voice. "I am trying to protect him."
Kaien stops.
"I know you and Captain Kuchiki have known each other a long time, but you didn't see him when Hisana died."
"I tried," Kaien says. "He wouldn't see anyone. When he showed his face in public again, he was just...closed off. It's how he does things."
Ukitake nods. "Yes, it is," he says. "But when you've lived a long time, you learn to read people. And I did see him after the funeral. He wouldn't turn me away." He closes his eyes for a moment. "He is not a truly different person since his wife's death. But he...hardened with the loss. I fear further loss would simply shatter him. What else could I do when he asked me to promise to protect his sister, Kaien? Knowing what it must have cost him to make the request?" He spreads his hands wide. "What would you have done?"
Silence fills the air for a long moment. "Not that," he says finally.
"No, probably not," Ukitake says. "But I am asking you to respect the choice I have made."
"I can accept it," he says. "Don't ask me to respect it. Byakuya is wrong. And this is a mistake."
"Perhaps," Ukitake says. "But for the moment, it is one I am prepared to accept responsibility for."
And there's really nothing left to say.
***
He sees her, briefly, at the edges of the crowd that gathers when the assessment results are announced, but the rowdiness of congratulatory friends surrounding those whose efforts have been rewarded prevent him from getting close enough to read her. It's not until that evening that he detects her reiatsu in a training facility, alone. He wonders if she's waiting for him. They've never planned any trysts in this...whatever this is...but he doesn't figure he should leave the topic for their next training session. "Hey."
"Kaien-dono." She nods at him from where she kneels, carefully polishing the blade of her sword, which she has taken apart for maintenance.
"Sorry I couldn't find you earlier," he says. "I was hoping to talk to you first."
"What for?"
From anyone else, he'd expect to hear sarcasm in the words, or recrimination at the very least. He told her she could do it--he promised her she could. And she did, not that she's getting what's coming to her. Either way it makes him a liar. "About the assessment results," he says. "A lot of people have improved this year--you're doing wonderfully, Kuchiki, it's not a reflection on your work that you didn't get promoted this time." The half-lie tastes like ashes on his tongue.
She sets down the blade to turn her attention to him. "I don't understand," she says. "Did you expect me to be angry?"
"Well...kinda." He rubs at the back of his neck. "Upset. Something."
"Not at all." She folds her hands neatly in her lap. "I have so far to go, Kaien-dono."
"You've come so far."
She smiles briefly. "So have others. And I did not even pass the proper tests before I joined the ranks, so of course I could not expect--"
"But you should." Before he knows what he's doing, he's crouched beside her, one hand on her shoulder. "Expect something. Kuchiki, you deserve something."
"I appreciate you saying so, Kaien-dono." Gently, she shrugs off his hand and returns to her sword. "I really must finish this. My brother is expecting me for dinner."
Kaien stares, a little stunned. He'd felt certain that Kuchiki would be disappointed, that she'd need to hear from him--need him to tell her why, need his reassurance that she hasn't worked for nothing. That he'd need to prop up those wavering pieces of self-confidence he's been encouraging.
He takes a step to leave, and that's when he sees it--the nearly indiscernable tremor in her shoulders that most people would miss. Without a word, it tells him that she is not holding herself up as easily as it seems.
Kuchiki does need him. But she is trying very hard not to.
***
Miyako puts up with his brooding for nearly a day before cornering him in his office. "Tell me who did it."
"Did what?" He's got paperwork in his hands, but his wife calmly takes it from him and sets it aside.
"I don't know what," she says. "But I know something caused that look on your face, and I know it's not something you did or you'd be off doing something very brave and very silly to fix it."
If only she knew. "It's the captain," he says. "Well. Not exactly him--I don't blame him. But he went along with it, and I really don't know what I can do to get him to change his mind."
She reaches out to touch his face. "Tell me."
He does. Not about every reason he has to look like this, more the coward him. He tells her about his expectation that Rukia would have a seat, about Byakuya's agreement with their captain. About how torn he feels over seriously disagreeing with Ukitake for the first time since he's been vice-captain.
"I can't say I'm surprised," she sighs when he's finished. "I don't know Captain Kuchiki as well as you do, but he's never struck me as being the warmest person."
"Hell no he's not," Kaien retorts. "And these days he's even worse. I just wish I could do something, Miyako. I mean--he shouldn't be interfering with our division."
She just chuckles. "Oh, Kaien. Do you think I don't know what you've been doing?"
He nearly chokes. "You do?"
"Of course," she says, and she's not furious. She's smiling. "It's all well and good to feign objectivity, but everyone knows that girl is your favorite. You wanted her to earn a seat for her own sake. It's not interdivisional meddling that has you upset."
"Oh." He lets out a long breath. "Yeah, that's it. You're right."
"I've got to go now, though," she says, looking regretful. "I'm taking a unit out to deal with a troublesome Hollow."
"A whole unit? They'll get bored watching you do your thing."
"No doubt." She stands. "I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Kuchiki Byakuya is a dutiful man, but I don't think he knows how to be a brother. Not like you do." She shakes her head. "I've watched Rukia-chan. She's doing better since her first days here, but it's plain to see she's not getting any kind of love from her family. I'm glad she's got you."
He goes very still. "Miyako...?"
"Trust your heart, Kaien," she says. "It hasn't steered you wrong yet. And I believe in it. It's one of the things I love about you. And trust me, too. You're not the only one who cares." She leans over to kiss him softly. "We'll talk when I get back. All right?"
"Okay," he says. "Goodbye."
***
He finds Kuchiki sitting by herself next to the lake. It's the same spot where they've had many lunches together, along with Sentaro, Kiyone and the rest, but there's no one about at the moment.
"Hey." He plops down beside her.
"Hello." She smiles in greeting. The atmosphere isn't private enough for her to lose her mask of propriety, but even with it, she seems more settled today. Kaien guesses she really does accept that there has been no injustice, that it's ineptitude and not injustice that she must cope with. The thought doesn't make him feel any better. Today, he feels like he's the one who needs comforting. Not that he'd put that on her.
"What are you up to?"
"Just thinking, Kaien-dono." She twirls a wildflower in her hand as they look out at the peaceful waters. "And you?"
"The same, I suppose." He leans back on his hands. "Paperwork's done and Miyako's off on a mission. I'm just taking a break."
"Oh." She glances at him sideways. He can see her eyes cloud over a little and wishes they wouldn't. They've never talked about his wife since just after their first time together, but he knows they've both been acutely aware of her, always. It doesn't help that Rukia has never and, he's sure, would never ask for more from him. She's taken what he's been willing to give. Happiness in stolen moments doesn't count for much when it's not something you can keep. "Is there anything I can help you with, then?"
There's so much he wants to say to her. Could say, if he could get his thoughts and mouth in working order. That he thinks his wife might know about them. That he can't even begin to process what her reaction means if she does. That Kuchiki deserves more than she's getting, and she should ask for it. That he loves her--but that she deserves more than what he can offer, too. "No, Kuchiki." He pats her hand. "You're just fine right here."
Kuchiki opens her mouth to say something, but they're interrupted by the sound of someone's approach. It's Ukitake, moving quickly. "Kaien, come quickly," he says, sounding gravely serious. "Something's happened."
***
Miyako is dead. The world as Kaien knows it ends.
"Her entire squad was obliterated. Even the observational personnel..."
He's only vaguely aware of the events that pass by in a blur. Ukitake's attempts to calm him, Kuchiki's quietly devastated grief, his brief glance at his wife's body--what's left of it. That's not her anymore. Miyako's not that thing, those pieces lying under a sheet. Miyako will never be anything again. And through it all is the anger that burns white-hot within him, leaving a hole inside that makes him want to howl.
"You want me to just sit here like an idiot and wait?!"
The rational part of his mind that's not in control knows that Ukitake is right. It's sensible to wait for backup and return to wreak vengeance that the Hollow will not be able to escape. Kaien doesn't care about sensible. Some things are more important. He's failed Miyako in so many ways. He won't fail her now.
The three of them go together, Kaien and the two remaining people he trusts the most in this world. They're all able to hold down their emotions behind deadly calm, but Kuchiki keeps throwing him anguished glances. He'd like to tell her not to feel guilty, that it's no one's fault but the thing he's about to kill, and just because they were together when he should have been fighting by his wife's side doesn't mean she she should blame herself that he wasn't. He can't. Not now. Maybe when this night is done--when he can allow himself to fall apart.
When they arrive at its lair, the Hollow is waiting for them.
***
It only hurts a little when the Hollow takes control of his body. Kaien feels the pain, but from a distance--he's as detached from it as he is from control of his actions from then on. There's nothing he can do, though dammit, he tries. But in the end he can't even fight for control because he can't move.
"Am I that special to you, little girl?"
He can only watch as the thing inside him warps his body and attacks his captain. He can only cheer Ukitake on inside his soul, because this thing he's become must be stopped, and he can only scream as he's forced to leap past the captain towards Kuchiki, who looks small and terrified and he knows he's going to kill her; his body flies at her with murderous intent and Kaien prepares to see everything he's ever wanted for her go down in flames.
It doesn't hurt at all when Kuchiki's blade pierces his heart.
As he collapses into his lover's arms, it strikes him that this isn't such a bad way to die. He just wishes he hadn't hurt Kuchiki in the process. He tries to tell her so, but he's pressed against her shoulder and he's not sure if she hears him. He doesn't have the strength to lift his hand, but he can still move his arms, so he lifts them to hold her one more time.
"Kuchiki...thanks..."
Things get fuzzier and Kaien finds that death isn't cold, it's warm. But there's so much left unsaid, and not enough time to say all of it. She's clever and brave and strong enough to move past this and do better for herself. He wants to let her know he's sorry to leave her this way, with so much unresolved, but he's not sorry he knew her; of all Kaien's regrets, Kuchiki Rukia is not one of them. These are things she needs to know. As he takes his last breaths, Kaien promises himself: if there's another life after this one, if he ever gets the chance to see her again, he will tell her.