Einstein (to dictophone): Don't maturbate, Albert. It uses up too much of your time und energy. You must not touch yourself today ( Read more... )

Well, I just got back from a trip to Rhinelander. Fifty degree nights and alternating rain and shine every half hour or so. That's the Northwoods I remember. Plus my mom's a kick-ass cook, so I put on five to ten pounds within three days. But I did shave my face today, so that totally balances it out, right?

Centuries ago, baby Sleezus lay asleep in a vacant lot, surrounded by his foster parents and the three buzzed hoboes, the black hole in the crab nebula descended upon them and bestowed upon baby Sleezus the power to grant people's sex fantasies, provided that they involved only consenting adults and occassionally farm animals. And Sleezus would go ( Read more... )

I know how much you all love neologisms, so here's one my friend Prescott and I coined the other day:
Sleezus - (n.) the deity you pray and give thanks to for all boot-knocking matters.
Feel free to use it in all appropriate situations.

Well, I'm slowly climbing the ladder. I'm currently in second-most-favored position on the crew of landscaping workers. If anyone needs a little mulch tossed...you know your man.

All right, you Hitler-lovin' queers! You people have disparaged the US of A enough. I love my country, and anyone who doesn't probably has fundamentalist coke orgies with crazy mooslim fighters. Eat some freedom fries like a normal American you filthy liberals!

Well, today I have a day off thanks to the inclement weather. What am I doing with my day off? Well, probably some work for the lit mag I work for, father's day present shopping, maybe do a little writing, and, of course, hours and hours of internet porn. Woo-hoo!

So, one week of landscaping down, eleven to go ( Read more... )

Despite what anyone says, I actually am pretty good at Kid Icarus.

Yes, I stopped by last Friday. I almost thought about telling Kevin to tell you, but I figured, "Nah, I'm sure he'll mention it." Then I figured you must've still been out when I didn't hear from you. Good times, good times.